Monday, December 17, 2012

No blogging until something actually happens

No entries for a while. I've been taking the holidays off. If life sends me something worth writing about I'll be back.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Monthly entry - I'll try to blog more.

It has been a very busy month. As I've said before, "living life means blogging less". That has been somewhat true for me lately. My day to day life is about the same. My work has been overwhelming and there appears not end it site. That is until Sandy blew through. Plenty of down time but no electricity and no gas for the car. I spent the better part of a week watching radio. My boat, which road out the storm in the water, made it through fine. I needed to tie it up well and batten down the hatches but in the end it was probably more luck that allowed me to escape with no damage. There was a wind shift prior to high tide so the horrific events that occurred on the South Shore of Long Island were not nearly as bad on the North Shore.
I survived having no lights or heat and now I'm finally back at work, although we don't seem to have a working application system until at least tomorrow, so I don't have very much to do. That why I can blog.
I've had quality time with all the women in my life and I now have very little to do with any of them. I helped Carolyn out with some fuel so she could run her generator. But when the lights came on she didn't have heat. There was something wrong even before the storm, but it wasn't anything I could fix. It seems like she wanted me to come by but I wasn't about to use the last of my gas to look at something I knew I couldn't fix. It isn't as if she would be willing to keep me warm at night.
Lisa had to work at the Red Cross for an obscene number of hours, and while it was a worthy cause, it left me with taking care of her cat. She would text me now and then but I almost never saw her.
There was some bad news prior to storm that I will need to expand on later. Her sister Ellen went to the doctor about a cough she can't seem to shake. The diagnosis may be cancerous lymph nodes. So it is very scary.
Coleen has been coming around although she needs to take a hike. She left her abusive boyfriend, but then went back to him so I really need to let her be.
Janet called me to ask me to come out for a drink but I had only just gotten the lights on so I said no.
All the women would rather sit alone at home in the dark than spend some time with me. I don't think I want to spend any more quality time with any of them.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

New Post about old stuff

I seem to be a once a week blogger now. Not sure if that can change but this is the best I can do for now. It isn't as if there is nothing happening. There have been days where I can't keep up with things/
I still spend most of my time lately with Lisa, but Coleen has been also getting my attention. Neither one is ever going to get to be anything but I still can't seem to resist either one.
Even after my feeble attempt at seduction with Lisa she still wants me around. We talk each and every day if only to say hello. At least I don't need to feel lonely.
Coleen and her BF are no longer living together but she has not completely let go. We had dinner out one day last week and it felt like the fastest meal I'd ever had. But when we were in the car afterwards she broke down and told me how upset she was about  it. I just wanted to go home. But I listened and waited for her to calm down. So of course the next night I saw them talking in the bar. I gave up at that point. She texted me Sunday and Monday but I know I should just leave her be. I see from Facebook she went ot dinner at the restaurant her BF likes, so I'm assuming they had a date.
So then we have Carolyn. Poor sweet Carolyn. Still my best chance for sex. At least we have kissed although I'm just not feeling like I want to give her any more of my time. The lat time I saw her was over a month ago, but she called me on Sunday and we made a date for Friday. In my mind I'm going to either sleep with her or just tell her I don't have room for her any more. Is that cold? Probably but I don't seem to care.
I have Friday off from work. Lisa is having an operation to remove a cyst from her foot and I agreed to drive her. She will be off her feet for a few days. I probably should not have made the plan with Carolyn for the same day but it's too late for that.
I expect I'll be waking up alone on Saturday morning no matter what I try. But I'm still trying even if I'm not optimistic.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I got a question.

It's been so long since I've been able to post. Work is consuming all my time and energy. It's been as crazy as any time i can remember. And it's not as if I don't have a lot to blog about either. I've been very busy socially. I don't have time to get into all of it so for now I want to lay out a scenario and ask if I missed something.
Last Friday I took Lisa out for drinks that including dancing. Slow dancing to Sinatra. And lots of drinks that I paid for. Like it was a date. Now I know we are never going to really have a date as we know each other way too long. Still I felt like I wanted to change the dynamic, or at least try. But I wasn't really think of doing anything but take her home and say goodnight at the door. So we park the car and I walk her home, which is only 100 feet or so from my house. Lisa opens her door and immediately goes up the stairs without closing her door, like an invite to come up. I did. For some reason I figured if she wanted me in her house she must want me in her bed. At least I was willing to consider it. So I went for it. I got her in her bed room and laid on the bed. Well, that did not go well. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Trying to sleep with you." I'm not totally sure if that's what I said but I was out the door in about 30 seconds. Which ultimately was fine as I wanted to go home anyway. But I'm thinking, did I do anything different than what any normal male would do? I'm thinking I was assertive and I need to be more that way.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I get distracted so easily.

There is no time in my life for blogs right now. So I will only give highlights. Okay, maybe I'll embellish a little bit.
First of all I have my tooth fixed. Mostly. I have a temporary replacement and I have something more permanent scheduled for October. The temp actually looks better than what I had so I'm good with it. I needed that since my birthday was Thursday and I thought there may be photo-op moments. There really weren't so no pictures for the blog. Sorry.
For my birthday I took a day off from work and spent the day on the water with Carolyn. We had a friend of hers with us as well so I figured we would just enjoy fishing and swimming in the sun. It was a great day weather-wise. We motored here and there and found ourselves anchored off a small island off of Connecticut. This island is a park and there are no people living on it and since it was a weekday it was pretty much uninhabited. I swam onto the beach ... a good 200 yard distance. Carolyn followed and her friend stayed with the boat. We wandered along the beach and found ourselves alone. Before I knew it we were making out in the water like in From Here to Eternity. It was only a moment but for me it made my birthday. Unfortunately it was pretty much downhill from there. Our evening ended with Carolyn and I in my house and rather than stay she chose home instead. Nothing happened. Oh well. At least I put it out there.
Friday I went to work but the plan after work was to see Lisa and go see music. We had some wine and when the music started we danced for the entire time. Lisa was having a ball. I tried to get Carolyn to come but she bowed out. I moved on. I saw Coleen there and she was annoyed at her BF because he bailed on her. More on that later.
Friday night ended with use going to eat with my cousin and her husband. It was so late when got home I just collapsed into bed. I got an early morning text from Coleen to go to the gym. I decided to suck it up and go meet her there. Afterwards we got coffee and she told me she was considering her relationship a lost cause. I figured she was just having a bad day and didn't think any more of it.
After that I was home and I checked in with Lisa. We decided to make a day of sailing. It was supposed to be with her sister and bro-in-law. But they bailed and it was just us. There was no wind so we just relaxed and swam for a few hours. Then late in the afternoon the wind did pick up and we got a good three hour sail in. Lisa was loving it. She knows what to do. I want so badly to have those moments with her turn into something better but it's never happened. I told her about Carolyn and our kiss. No reaction. We ended the night having a nice dinner and again I'm home alone.
Sunday morning I get a phone call early. It is Coleen. She told me she had moved out from her BF's house. She had woke up there and he went off on her about making noise and she just had enough I guess and packed her clothes and left. I'm not sure how that will play out for for the moment they broke up. I ended up spending most of the day with her. I know I shouldn't do that but I just went with it.
So my weekend just had me bouncing around. By Tuesday I can't figure out where any of this is going. I know I've been here before and these things so rarely turn into anything but a distraction.

Monday, August 27, 2012


I am having the strangest month. Very manic. I'm up then I'm down, never just in the middle. For starters I'm having some issues at work. Apparently my director has it in his head I am not working up to par. I guess coming in early and working late is not good enough. I'm not going to vent about this too much but I'm feeling a little persecuted.
I went to see a minor league baseball game last week. The event was really about my Uncle Jack, who threw out the first ball. It was fun to see and there were cousins all over the place. The gave was at Coney Island in Brooklyn so that in itself was eventful. I no sooner get off the train when I see 3 cousins and my uncle heading away from the stadium. They wanted to ride the Cyclone, a really old roller coaster, which is a Coney Island icon. Oh and did I mention the first stop I made before this was to order a hot dog at Nathans? Yeah, I ate the hot dog and I joined them and rode the Cyclone. It was fun but it rattled my teeth a bit because I loosened a tooth. Well, not really a tooth, but a cap. Yeah, and it is now gone.
On Sunday I was swimming in the Long Island Sound and somehow lost the cap. It is somewhere at the bottom of the ocean. It's not just any tooth, but one of my front four. There will be no pictures of me for a while. I pretty much look like a redneck.
I hope to get an appointment and get it fixed quickly. At least by Thursday. This ended was was a fairly eventful weekend. It was the strangest thing. I felt like everyone wanted me to join them for something. I was outside on Friday night with Lisa to hear a summer concert. I saw Janet there and she wanted me to go to a new place, but since I had been doing the driving and Lisa and Eleen were not staying out late I begged off. But then she called me Saturday morning and I thought I'd see her later. It didn't happen.
I had planned to sleep in on Saturday morning, but at 7:30 my cell phone started ringing. I figured it was work or something and I ignored it until I finally got up at 8:15. Turns out it was Coleen of all people. She was going to the gym and I knew I should go and of course I wanted to see Coleen. So I went at 9 o'clock and she was there waiting for me. While there I'm getting text messages from Lisa and Janet. It was crazy. Why is everyone needing to talk to me at the same time. And not one of them actually likes my in "that" way.
So I try to take the advice I get and not spend more time than I need to with any of them but I inevitably give in and find myself with some one. Saturday it was Coleen. Sunday it was Lisa. And in between I was getting more text messages from Carolyn.
Nothing is going to come of any of it. I refuse to plan on anything with any of them. Mostly because none of them will commit to anything anyway. I will not get myself to caught up in any of their shit. Yet here I am writing about it all. Maybe things will work out but it just looks like this is how it is. And now to get that tooth fixed.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I need a miracle to change my ways.

August us half gone and this is just my second post. Oh well, that's summer. If there was any thing going on I for sure would post it. I have not really taken advantage of the warm weather too much and gotten out. Seems like work has taken over my social life for the moment even though I'm not doing too well at the job. I got stuck in the office late the last 2 nights.
I have had some time to think, which is probably never a good thing. But my thoughts lately have been how I seem to follow a pattern of getting myself close to the women I'm attracted to but only as a friend. I sit and wonder if I do this and it isn't just an accident. Like my attraction grows if a woman is just nice to me but not in a sexual way. I don't know how to fix that.
I've also been thinking about the patterns other seem to have. I've been around long enough to see how the women around me seem to repeat the same mistakes just as I do. I'm watching as Lisa gets close to this guy who already has a wife and it feels like she seems like she wants it to go somewhere although it's likely not. Then there is Janet who can pretty much have what ever she wants but she only seems to be attracted to men who are the opposite of what she wants. Guys that don't have a good job and no money and don't seem to care. She said to me recently that she thinks she may be keeping herself from anything substantial without knowing she is doing it. Well, yeah, I see that.
So as I approach another birthday and I am still pretty much in the same position as when I wrote my first post some 8 years ago it may be I will never be able to change anything. I am stuck in an endless loop like an episode of the twilight zone. All I have are these moments in time where someone came into the picture and pushed me off the tracks but in the end I find myself right back where I started.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Rocking this past Tuesday

It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been unable to get to where I need to be to put anything here. The Anon who comments about flushing all the ladies isn't something I don't consider each and every day. With that in mind I went out on Tuesday night to see some music. I knew some older friends that I knew since grade school would be there.
This is Bob. Or Mr. K. He was there with Karen, but I think they are friends. Both were married but no to each other. Still don't know if they just hang out or if there is more. I'm just glad I got out and saw people. Again we all know each other but over the years I rarely ever see them.  This what Facebook has done for us. Now we can keep in touch with old friends and see them some times.
It was a little awkward but for the most part I enjoyed myself. Bob and I were once very close, I was in his wedding party all those years ago. But after he got married we never really had time for each other so I went my own way.
Karen on the other hand is not someone I knew well at all. But she did give me a nice hello and I felt like I was welcome. There was also Leslie Ryan who I wasn't introduced to but she took a picture and posted it in FB. I may try to get it into this but thus far haven't.
So I'm still out plugging away. It's be tough to see summer end. It always goes by so quickly.
The reason I have been so slow to post on here is due to recent bouts of insomnia. Yes. I can't sleep. or at least for the last 5 days or say. But last night I slept really well. I feel like I need to start exercising again. I typically pick that up again after Labor Day. Which is just 3 weeks away.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Are these the good times?

Not too many things went right this past weekend but I've only myself to blame. But even from my mistakes I learn. First of all I couldn't get myself into the office on Friday but I was able to work from home so at least I didn't need to use up a vacation day. It all goes back to Wednesday night when I took Lisa out for dinner. We enjoyed a nice meal at a Thai food restaurant she introduced me to. But when I got home I had one more cocktail and then dragged my ass out of bed and went to work with a wicked hangover. This was Thursday and you might think I would have gotten over it by Friday morning but I had such a bad night sleep I just decided to stay home.
I consider calling in sick altogether. I knew from my last conversation with Carolyn that she would have been available on Friday for a day of boating but waking up I knew I just didn't think I could. For some reason I was holding out for Lisa. I know I need to stop doing that. So I worked from home on Friday and didn't reach out to anyone all day. It wasn't until after 6 that Lisa sent me a text asking if I was interested in going downtown to hear the live music show they have every Friday night. I said I would be there, but she said she was at her sister's and would be down later. I had the feeling she wasn't going to show and I was right. I should feel that way but I did feel a little like I'd been blown off. While I was there I saw Roberta and ended up having a drink with her. It was a pleasant one on one. I briefly saw Coleen, but after a quick hello she disappeared into the crowd. So I watched the music feeling a little alone.
I wasn't feeling like going home so when Roberta suggested doing something I went along and had one drink. I was home by 11. I considered talking to Carolyn. The last time I spoke to her she was in the middle of something and was supposed to call me back but since she never did I'd decided I wouldn't call her for a while. Her fault, not mine. I think.
On Saturday Lisa called me at about 11. She was scheduled to go for CPR training. She told me she was waiting to be picked up by one of her co-workers. I knew what that means. Pretty much every time Lisa says co-worker that means the married guy Mark. It's like her dirty little secret she hopes that no one knows about. Except she let's it slip to me every now and then. So I get to see little tells that can only mean one thing. She suddenly has gin in the house. She doesn't ever drink gin but she said she wanted a change. I know I should mind my own but sometimes I'm too smart for my own good. So when I didn't hear from her at the end of the day Saturday I could only speculate how she was spending her evening. I don't know anything for sure but if it quacks like a duck....
So anyway on Sunday I heard from my friend Chris and we enjoyed sailing for most of the afternoon. Not much wind and not much sun but it was alright. I really want to go on a short weekend trip. I feel like i want to get away.
After the boat was back at the dock I dropped into the bar for a drink. I met Coleen there along with her somewhat annoying friend Barbara. She wanted me to join them at dinner but I told her right up front I was just not up to it. Still she insisted on calling me again to see if I'd come meet them. It's rare for me to say no but I just wasn't interested.
I may have shot myself in the foot but I'm trying to distance myself from some of these women. I've pretty much looked at all the women I know and I've been pushing them all away. I just wish some one new could walk into my life but I know that's not really a solution. I even have Janet sort of waiting for me to get back to her and I've been putting it off. And she might be someone who is most pleasant to be with right now. She has reached out to me twice and I've been somewhat unreceptive. She is probably the one person I need to call back.
Early this morning I started getting texted by Lisa. Really early, like before I got to work. I felt this need to explain why I didn't call her Sunday night, even though there is no reason for us to talk. I have this urge to ask her about what is going on with her "co-worker" friend. Rule number one is: never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Not very inspired.

I'm having a bit of a down day. It's hard to put my finger on why. Some of it is that I'm still reeling from the loss of my nephew. I called my brother just to see how he was doing and he was unable to talk for more than a few seconds. He sounds like he is fine although from just a short conversation it's impossible to tell. I hoe we can have a longer talk tonight.
I was having although time at work earlier this week but yesterday I took care of what i needed by staying a little late and finishing something. I'm not feeling very motivated right now and want to take a day.
It is probably more that the Mets are in a losing streak? But that can't really set me off, right?
I guess I've been sitting around the house waiting for something to happen. I need to get moving. I guess it's time for me to reach out to friends I haven't spoken to since the funeral. I need more to happen if only so I have something more interesting to put into the blog.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Beautiful Life.

As may have already seen from my prior post I spent my Saturday out with Lisa and her sister seeing KC and the Sunshine Band at a free event. It was a fun relaxing evening. I like Lisa's sister because she and I are the same age (Lisa is 10+ years younger) and Ellen is my biggest fan. She has a husband and three adult children so her life tends to revolve around them. Ellen and Lisa a very close though so they tend to come as a package. Ellen's husband was away visiting his elderly mother so it was just the three of us.
It was tons of fun even though it was so crowded. But it all worked out and we enjoyed our little wine and cheese party before the show. It was a long walk back to the car afterwards and I thought Lisa was about to hit the wall before we got there, but she sucked it up and we made it to the car and home without incident. By that time she was done. I said goodnight to her at her door and that was that.
Prior to that I pretty much confirmed what I suspected, which is that she went out with her work friend Mark on Thursday night. She said she had gone out with "work friends" but I know better than that. I was at her house on Friday and I noticed she had a bottle of gin. Lisa has NEVER had gin before. She claimed it was just for a change of pace but I know her better than that. She had company the night before.
Now I could be wrong about this but I think I'm pretty good about connecting the dots. Especially when she told me that Mark gave the cat a new toy. But he's married, did I forget to mention that? So Lisa still has plenty of time on the weekends because married guys can't commit their weekends. Even when they have a loveless marriage.
While I am fairly sure about what I think I only have suspicions. I'd prefer not to know for sure and Lisa will probably try to keep it that way until something concrete happens, like he leaves his wife. I won't deny that is bothers me. It's just more and more obvious that no matter how things go I'll never be anything significant other than what I am now.
So with that in mind I stopped at the bar on Sunday afternoon. It's not like anything could happen there but I just needed to get out. While there I saw Coleen. She was bitching about her boyfriend, which I honestly don't want to hear about. But she did give me a nice hello and I will always keep a soft spot for her. I wasn't there very long. I was home watching TV by 7 which pretty much sucked.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A night out

I saw KC and the Sunshine Band on Saturday night.

Went with Lisa and her sister Ellen. I took some pictures. I'll have some more details later in the week.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Getting back to normal what ever that is

I spent last night playing on my laptop pc. I finally recieved the new power supply cord that I'd about given up on. But I found it in my mailbox when I got home and plugged it in and viola, I am online once again. So I played some games on it and updated my iTunes and not much else.
There was a big rainstorm that came through in the afternoon. I left work on time and the train did fairly well getting me home only 10 minutes late. Reading the paper I see all kinds of damage from it and some of it was very close to home. I considered taking a ride to the boat to check on it but decided to remain at home.
I did get a call from Lisa, who I've been teasingly calling her "tuna". Seems she caught wind of a conversation that her ex where by he said the tuna he caught was just finished off. Lisa thought she was the tuna... which I don't really get, but I've decided she will get that nickname for a while. She just called to say hello and I thought maybe I could go visit but I decided to stay home and play with my lappy. Part of me thinks that is a slightly healthier thing to do.
Tonight Lisa told me she has "plans" after work. I don't know what that means. I know I shouldn't let my imagination get the best of me but I can't help but think she is going out with Mark from her office. I need more distance.
Late last bight after I'd gone to bed I lost power. It did not go back on until about 5 AM. So ther was not air conditioner or fan. No clocks to tell me how late it was either. I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep. It was tough getting up this morning.
I'm either going to get my laundry done tonight or I'll go down to the bar and say hello to anyone who is there. I would prefer not to spend time feeling miserable but I'm not sure how to snap out of it.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dog Days

I had a lot of time to myself last night. Not really sure if that is a good thing or bad. I found myself thinking about how I kind of told Lisa I still have hopes for her, which I'm sure she is reacting to by pretty much putting some space between us. While I've always known she will never look to me for anything sexual I will never be able to understand why she needs me to be so close to her all the time. I don't think this is the reason but I often wonder if that is keeping me from getting close to someone who will see me in that light. I haven't had any affection in so long it's scary. The prospect of one day having that is all I have left.
I guess this will be a short post today. There isn't much more I can say. Things get better a little each day. I feel connected to so many people but then I'm alone so much. Maybe somewhere deep inside that is how I want it. But I long to be touched. What I wouldn't give just to have someone hold my hand.
In closing I'd just like to add a thank you to those who commented in my prior posts. It might not seem like much but it does feel good knowing there are people who care enough to give me words of encouragement.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I do not understand

Bath salts?
I had dinner at my sister's last night because my mom was there and she will be heading home to Florida today and it was my last chance to see her. While there my niece Kate was talking about how bath salts are being added to drugs being used and at Bonnaroo more than half the drugs found there were laced with the stuff. From reading about it's effects it would appear that was the ingredient that may have caused my nephew William to become so different. The description of the drug fits what happened to a tee.
None of this really helps now. But at least I feel a little more like I can understand.
I really want to have things in my life that are joyful and happy, but as I reminisce over the past I feel like all my iconic moments revolve around loss and sadness. Is this what my life is becoming? In the past few years I've seen my best friend Joe die of a heart attack, my ex-wife die from overdose of pills, my dad pass away from lung disease and now my nephew William die. Even when I do find a little excitement it comes tainted with negativity. I thought Carolyn might end up being a good thing, and mostly it is but she is under such a black cloud I don't see that ending well.
Last night after I returned home from my sister's I stopped in and saw Lisa. We relaxed with a cocktail and I told her about the bath salts. It's news to her as well. She uses bath salts to soak in, which is what it supposed to be for. As we sat and talked about life and death I found myself telling her how much she means to me and how I feel. It was not a good moment. I could see she was not responding to it. What I want I'll never have. No matter how lonely she is she is just never going to see me as an option. I know I need to not have those feelings for her and I will try to push them out of my head.
I feel like i need to chase a new dream. I have no idea where that might be.

Monday, July 16, 2012


My nephew died. He was 20 years old and had his whole life ahead of him. He killed himself. I am beyond grief. My poor brother is heartbroken. I want to write a big long post about it but I'm not sure if I can. But I'll just give some details just so I can remember what happened.
A month ago my nephew went to Bonnaroo, which is a three day music festival in Tennessee. He had gone 2 years ago and enjoyed it and was fine. He went with his older sister. They also had many other friends there. But something happened. While there he took LSD. When he came home he was changed. He could not shake out of this depression. I only found out about this after he died. The depression was so bad my brother had him in a hospital for three days. The prescribed medication and therapy. After three weeks he seemed to be doing better. No one thought anything like this would happen.
On Monday night he came home from work at about 10 PM. My brother checked on him in his bedroom just before going to bed. He was playing his guitar and was on his computer. Everything seemed fine.
A little past midnight my brother was awakened by a phone call from someone who read a post on facebook from my nephew where he seemed to say good bye to everyone. Before my brother and sister-in-law could even get down the stairs of the house there was a pounding knock on the door. It was the police and emergency ambulance. Someone had made a 911 call from the house. It was my nephew's last act. The police found him in the garage. We was gone.
We are not sure how long he planned to do what he did, but we think in was an impulse brought on by the depression. We will never know if he planning for a few minutes or a few weeks. We only know that at that moment his pain was more than he could bare.
I don't understand it. He had so many friends and had so many plans for his life. He was about to finish college. He was a good student. He wanted to go to Italy and was learning the language. He could play the piano and guitar. He was in a band he helped start. He was writing songs. He was learning how to brew his own beer. He had 2 summer jobs. He never seemed like he would ever do this.
I am in shock. I may never get over this.

Monday, July 9, 2012

5 days of no work

I'm back. I was away from the office for the weekend after 4th of July. It was basically just me alone other than those moments where I went out. That's not totally true but to me it feels that way.
I saw my sister on July 3rd. It was hot so I invited her to come out on the boat with Lisa and I. Lisa was going then not going then suddenly she was. This is starting to become typical.
So after spending the entire day enjoying the swimming off the boat I went to my sister's for barbecue and Lisa went to her sister's. So I didn't see her at all for fireworks.
At 7:30 I have a boat load of mostly family go out to the harbor and see the fireworks. It was a good show. Not a single stressful moment even though there are more people on the boat than I can count. It looked like everyone had a good time, I know I did. As the fireworks ended God added a little lightning to the show. So we wasted no time getting back to the dock, but my good luck held out as the showers went east of us.
The next harbor over got the storm. I mention this because in the news the next day was the tragic store of a boat the capsized and sank. Three children died. The boat was almost as big as mint, 34 feet. But there were 27 people on boat, twice as many as I had. There were also caught in the storm and on top of that the boat was not a sailboat, but a power boat with an elevated cockpit. I'm sure all those things had a lot to do with it.
So that accident has me thinking a lot about how quickly things can go wrong and adding to whatever stress I get. But I also have years of experience and should know better. I spent the rest of my time using the boat as much as I can. It has been extremely hot so it has been the best relief other than the A/C at home.
Thursday night I was home alone, as I was all day Friday. At night I joined Lisa and her sister Ellen at an outdoor oldies concert. That was fun but it was an early night.
The rest of the weekend kind of went along without too many things worth writing about. I did see Carolyn, but only briefly. We made a plan to go boating, but she has too many obligations to commit to anything. We may get together one night this week.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Independently Free.

And here comes another holiday. Tomorrow is Fourth of July. I will be out of the office Thursday and Friday as well. I'm not sure how I will spend my time away from the work, but I'm going to try and enjoy all that I can. No one will be off that i know if so I will be flying solo pretty much like always.
Last night I had a total me time, as I grabbed my book and read while also watching a great sunset, followed by a moonrise. It makes me say to sit alone for these things but that is how is has to be then I accept it. At least I'm in a place where I can have a serene moment.
Prior to heading down to the water Lisa called me. She needed to borrow a small fan that was hoping would keep her laptop from over heating. I would have like her to join me but she had pretty much planned a quiet evening at home. Perhaps it's a good thing as we have spent more than enough time together. I need to give her more time without me around.
I have made plans to see my sister over the holiday. We are planning to use the boat during the day and then barbecue with the rest of the family at her house. Then everyone will jump on the boat for the fireworks. I only home we don't over crowd the boat again. Seems like all the kids want to bring a friend, and everyone is getting older and bigger. Makes for a very messy scene, especially for me. I try not to get stressed but I do anyway. With all these people coming I have pretty much decided none of my friend are being invited. It really isn't something they want anyway. Problem is that leaves me with the task of driving the boat and also trying to entertain. I had hopes that Lisa would come aboard, but she seems to want to do things with her own family.
So I get to spend my Independence Day totally independent. I will once again make an effort to get some pictures.

Friday, June 29, 2012

What I planned to say yesterday.

I spent the better part of Wednesday getting the engine running on my boat. I had a service guy coming to look at it since I couldn't seem to figure out exactly what happened. Since I needed to be there I figured I would get my dinghy inflated and into the water. That process takes a bit of time and energy. I got that done but it was not easy. I was just about finished when the repair guy arrived. It wasn't more than 15 minutes before he knew exactly what the problem was. There was water in the diesel fuel. A lot of water. He told me I should pump out the tank with a hand pump and change out the filter. Since I didn't have either one on board and I was paying the guy $75 per hour I figured I would let him go and get it done later. I called the parts place and they had the filter, then I borrowed a pump and by 5 o'clock the engine was running. I was exhausted by this time. By the time I cleaned up the boat or mostly cleaned it up, I was sweaty and smelled of diesel fuel. So naturally I went down to the bar and had a drink. I needed it. It was a long day.
My boat is now up and running and I can pretty much look forward to a summer of being out on the water. I'm fairly confident it will be fine from here on out. I just hope I can relax and enjoy it with people. The forecast is for hot and sunny this weekend and then there is the Fourth of July. Not sure how that's going to be.
I can go to my sister's pool for her barbecue but if I have my way I would rather be out on the boat. I really want to bring Lisa but she may decide to bow out from virtually everything. I'm not really sure how she is right now. When she first moved into her new place, which is only a few dorrs away from my home, we were seeing each other every day. I was starting to feel like Lisa wanted my company, but I also don't want to start a pattern where I wait for her to call and just go there every night. So this week I only paid her a visit once and just for an hour of so. I sort of wanted to be in my own space a little so I glad to not go there.
But it is Friday and I'd really like to plan something around Lisa. I know I shouldn't and Lisa hasn't made her Friday night open to me so I need to consider whether she even wants to be around. I may just take a ride down to the boat and relax there for a little while.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Boat fix tomorrow - I hope.

I have a boat mechanic coming to see why my engine won't start. I hope it's something that can be resolved quick and easy. Having the boat out of commission in July is as bad as it gets. I feel like there are only 10 to 12 good weekends on a boat and to lose any is precious. Lucky I have some funds to get anything done that isn't huge. With luck I'll be sailing by Saturday because temps are predicted to be in the mid to high 80's.
Last night I made a conscious effort to relax at home alone. I am starting to feel myself getting used to the idea of going over to Lisa's and just making myself at home. She eventually gave me a call at about 9-ish. While she sounded a little lonely she knows the same thing. We need to live in our own space and not start becoming interdependent. When I mentioned planning something later in the week she was a little evasive. Best we could do was Friday.
I called my mom in Florida this morning just to catch up on things. She reminded me of what I already know. She told me she likes Lisa, but she is a little flaky and I need to make my own way. I think her exact words were don't fall in love with someone who is never going to commit to me. I think when my mom gives me advice she thinks of me as 15 and not the adult that I am. It can be a little bizarre.
So no work tomorrow as I plan to spend my day at the boat. Hope for good news.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Getting what I need

Yes. It has been ten days since I last said any thing. It's so bad I actually got poked by Krissy just to make sure I am still around. There is so much going on I don't really know where to start. I had planned to spend last week off from work and had hoped to spend some time getting Lisa settled into her new home. Then work got in the way. There was a deadline moved up so instead of taking 5 days off I only got 2 and then I needed to login from home for 2 half days so I really didn't get any. My plans were to get my boat in ship shape for the summer but I never got to any of it done. Still I had Lisa and her sister's family come out for a sail on Saturday. That was great right up until we were about to get into the marina. The boat stalled just a half a mile from home. I never got the boat going and it is still not fixed. I guess if you put things off long enough it causes problems. I probably never should have left the dock until I did my "due diligence". The phrase "pay me now or pay me later" comes to mind. I'd been having some issues with my boat for a while so it's due for some one to look at it.
In other news I've been spending most of my free time with Lisa. Either she call me or I call her but it's been fun having her so close to me. I'm sure eventually we will find a happy medium because she will want to start dating and we don't seem to connect like that. She actually was crying about missing the ex after we ended our sailing on Saturday. She actually took her car and ran over the curb and knocked the wheel well off. It should go right back on but she just got more upset anyway. Hopefully she will get better soon. I spent some time with her yesterday trying to make it okay.
I've been ignoring most of my other friends and family lately. I don't even care. It is so nice to have someone who just likes to sit back and enjoy doing nothing. Still I find myself planning and trying to make things happen, Last night I convinced Lisa to come to the Tiki Bar for a cocktail. It near the water on a golf course so it tends to be an older crowd that are mostly people who finished a round of golf. We walked onto the patio and we got an odd reaction from one of the tables. I didn't recognize any of them but I did see some other people I knew that I stopped and said hello to. What I didn't see was something that Lisa told me about later. One of the older men who I knew but didn't initially recognize made an indication to Lisa that she should come over, which she did not do. It was Nester, who is someone who thinks he is a ladies man and always thinks he can get "the girl". When Lisa told me how this happened when I couldn't see I started to get a little more mad about it, although since she had already defused the situation I thought the best thing is to let it go. For now. Nester even had the nerve to come over and talk to me like he was my friend. Not sure if I'll run into him again any time soon but I will not let him think he is my friend.
Okay - so there it is. Right now I am still alone but not as lonely. My boat needs to have a mechanic look at it and with 4th of July just 10 days away everything is a little unsettled. hopefully soon all my dreams will come true. Or maybe just some.

Friday, June 15, 2012

It's Hard Work.

A couple days go by so fast. I don't need to update but I will. For starters I'm not on vacation next week. I'll be working trying to get a program finished. I kind of knew it may be an issue and thought I should mention it to one of the analysts, when then made it a big issue and it got pushed up to the director. So now I need to work all next week trying to get it done.
Meanwhile Lisa will be off trying to get moved. Finally. As that day grows closer I sense she is getting a little more independent. I think she has a plan she doesn't want exposed. Lisa has these text conversations that she tries to hide. It is with her married co-worker. Lisa says his marriage is tanking and I just leave it at that. While I don't make any judgements I just can't see how this ends well for her. Nor for me either.
And now we are neighbors.
I started reading a new book. It's a book that was a movie I'd seen and always liked. In Her Shoes. It is kind of a girlie book but I always seem to like them. It's a life I wish I had. I'll never lose hope.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Deja vu all over again.

Now, where was I? Yesterday? Same things as the day before pretty much. I find myself really looking forward to being off for a week. I know I should make concrete plans or at least ask Lisa what she might plan but I feel that things need to be loose and unspecified. I have tons of little projects that I've been putting off so I really hope to get a lot of those done. I may need to create a check list of sorts. I had been putting things off while I helped Lisa get herself situated.
I was heading home last night and Lisa sent a text telling me to stop in once I was home. She has gradually been spending more and more time at her new home. She pretty much just goes back to the old place just to sleep. So I get there and her place is empty. I figured she was running an errand so I sent a brief text and headed back to my place. Then I saw Lisa's sister Ellen waving to me from her car across the street. It seems they were moving furniture that have been divvied up between three cars. Ellen's, Lisa's and Carmine's. Yes - it was the "trailer park" moving company experience. With that, I helped get all the pieces of furniture up the stairs and put together. Since there were so many I did need to do much. However it was the first time there was a comfortable place to sit at her house.
I had not had dinner yet but even though I was hungry I figured dinner would be optional. Lisa has been stressing and with that she is missing meals a lot. It took a little longer than an hour before everything was in it's place and everyone started to leave. I wasn't sure what I should so and I considered heading home but I delayed and then Lisa poured 2 drinks so I stayed for a bit. I'm starting to feel this is becoming a routine. Then she once more lamented about how she wishes things could have been better between her and C. I just listened and let her talk. I told her it may take a while before she settles in and embraces her new home. I have trouble when she is like this because I am feeling like I want to celebrate and she is sad.
So to lighten the mood or at least change the context I told her I needed some help at my house. Is that the best thing? I don't know. What I really want to do is take her into the bedroom and have my way with her.
I went to my house and it has been very neglected. I have boxes that needed to be stored and other boxes that needed to be taken to dumpster. I was half done when Lisa came by to help. By the time we were done I'd worked up a bit of sweat. Okay, it was a lot of sweat. No making any moves like that. Don't expect that will ever happen. She left for home at about 9. I wasn't unhappy to see her go. I keep hearing her telling me years ago that I should not have hopes when it comes to her. Besides I needed to make dinner. Same old, same old.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Where did the weekend go?

The weekend felt more like a single day off than 2. I actually found myself late on Sunday thinking it was only Saturday. Of course I knew it was Sunday but I was so busy the weekend being over just felt wrong. The only good thing I can look towards is I'll be off for a week once this week ends.
I am still spending a lot of time with Lisa. Now that she is my neighbor I can just walk over and see her. She isn't quite there yet since she hasn't moved in yet. She only needs to get some furniture moved and then her cat needs to join her. She is putting it off. She was saying last night how sad she is about leaving C. No one else is sad about it. Next week it will be official. 
I did do other things. I spent some time at Carolyn's house on Saturday trying to fix her lawnmower. I couldn't get that to run. It was just a short visit since she is totally dedicated to passing her summer school work. She doesn't not seem like she has directions but she is driven. I just know she and I will never connect. I get the distinct feeling she will slip away by the end of summer.
I also got my boat out with my friend Chris. It started with a whimper as there was not a hint of breeze. Then the wind picked up and we enjoyed a great time out on the water. Then as we pulled down the sails and headed for home my engine stalled. I briefly tried to start it but then called TowBoat and got back to the slip. Once in the slip I made a few more attempts to start up the engine and low and behold, it fired up. I may have had some water in the gas or I may need to get some substantial work done. Either way I will have it looked at next week while I am off.
Just another crazy weekend.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

What is the opposite of Indian Summer?

Today is Tuesday and I made it into work. I have this urge to take a day. I only have 8 more working days before I get a week off to relax and take care of some home project I'd like to get done. Feels like forever before it gets here.
My laptop at home is broken. Probably not going to be noticeable from here since I never seem to use it on weekends. But I tried to use it and it seems like it is dead. I'm hoping it's just the power cord and I'll replace that and hope for the best. It may also be the batter has reached the end of it's life but that seems less likely. I don't get any indications from plugging it in that it's charging. I hope it is okay. I can afford to replace it but I can't deal with getting all the software working again.
Not much else going on. Last night I stopped in to see Lisa at her new place. Still not moved yet but like every night she is getting things ready. It seems like she is about done. Move in day will either be this weekend or next weekend. She is delaying most out of concern for her cat. At least that is what she is saying. I also think she just doesn't want to leave C just yet. He was there last night putting up her window treatments. My visit was very brief. I had errands to run and didn't want to intrude.
I had a Mother's Day card that I thought I might give to my sister but never did. I also though Carolyn might like it but when Mother's Day came and went I realized I still had the card. So I added birthday wishes to it and mailed it to Carolyn. Even though it's late for both I have a hope she will like the thought.
There is this little voice in my head that tells me Carolyn is still my best chance for romance. That chance is small. Very small.
The weather has been very cold and rainy. Not even close to what you might expect for June. Hopefully that changes soon. I was coming home last night and as I was walking to my door I got this sensation that is was October. I almost expect to see the leaces on the trees start to change. I guess you could almost call it Indian Winter.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Weekend recap.

Weekend was spent helping Lisa get her new place in order. She doesn't have much to do but still hasn't made the move yet. So we finished up early on Friday and Lisa, her sister Ellen and I went to my house for snacks and vodka tonics. At about 9:30 I flipped the TV to the Met game and kept the sound off. Then I saw Baxter smash into the wall and turned the sound on. The announcer said the catch preserved the no-hitter! I looked at Lisa and Ellen and exclaimed that nobody was going anywhere until there was either a hit or the last out. With each pitch the excitement grew. All the years I've been watching Met games I'd always wanted to see a no-hitter pitched by my guys. Finally it happened. I went outside to my neighbor across the street and was jumping up and down. Lisa and I once had Saturday Season tickets for the Mets so it was great she was there to share it.
I celebrated pretty hard. But Ellen had a bit more to drink than she should have so I convinced her to leave her car and I gave her a ride. Her husband Frank was visiting his sick mother so she considered staying on my couch but I was fine so I took her home. I had a very strange vibe like Ellen has an attraction for me. She once told me that Lisa and I should to get together. Why is it always the wrong sister? Twenty minutes after dropping off Ellen I was home.
Next morning Lisa starts texting me before my alarm was even going off. We knew we needed to get Ellen's car back to her and Lisa wanted to take care of it even though I had promised I would. At 6 AM I would agree to anything. I went back to bed and didn't wake again until about 9. I spent the rest of the morning getting my A/C units into the windows. Of course now that it is done is gone cold and rainy.
By the afternoon I was again with Ellen and Lisa helping with the move. All of a sudden I am getting random text messages from everyone. Coleen, who I haven't heard from or seen in a month suddenly wanted me to join her and her friend Barbara for dinner. But Lisa asked me to have dinner so I told Coleen no. Then I got a text from Carolyn who I had promised to go boating with. It was her birthday on Sunday as well. Then I got calls from Jimmy and Chris. It is either feast of famine.
I ended my night in the drive way of Lisa's old house that she still shares with her ex-fiance. I reluctantly gave her a quick good night kiss before she went into her house. It is so strange that she still stays there. Still morning the dead relationship while I am home alone.
It is for this reason I felt no remorse taking Carolyn out for the day on Sunday. I am perplexed by Carolyn. She indicates she want to see more of me. She just refuses to get sexual with me even though I tell her I'd like to see her more often and want it to lead to something. It is very frustrating.
We had a nice day but the weather got crummy and I took her home early. She wanted me to stay for dinner, but she also wanted to work and I figured I would just go hand out at the bar.
That was my weekend.... nothing new or exciting but for me it was a lot crammed into just 2 days.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Many options but few choices

Good morning. It's another Friday. The beginning of another weekend. And another month. June is finally here.
It is Carolyn's birthday today. She is 50. I texted her this morning and her response was that she is officially old. I want to give her a reason to celebrate but how can I do that when she reacts like that. I'll have to wait and see. Right now I'm thinking she just wants to be left alone.
Last night I got home and made myself dinner and not much else. I thought I might be helping Lisa get the rest of the painting done at her house. She never called me and I peaked out the window and saw Carmine's car parked. I figured if her was helping her and she wasn't calling me I should just stay home. I didn't want to be the second rooster in the hen house. Turned out to be a good thing as she did eventually call me after Carmine had left. Turns out she had new Mark there with Carmine. I am left wondering if that was tense. The new guy and the old guy both there at the same time. While I doubt Lisa planned it I've seen her make the most of those kind of situations. I was glad to have not been there.
I did go there and helped her take the garbage out to the dumpster. She seems to be about done. Yet she won't move for at least another week and maybe 2 weeks. She will still be doing stuff so we will see.
With that I am not sure what to expect. I may get Carolyn to go out for her birthday. Or I may just help Lisa with whatever she may do. Or I may just do something like what I did last week and see Janet. Or I could do none of them and just stay home.

Thursday, May 31, 2012


I just put in for a week off starting June 18th. If you include the weekends I will vacation from June 16 through June 24. I don't have any real plan but I have a conversation with Lisa last night and she was planning her vacation the same week. She should have moved by then although she may put it off until then. She wants to wait until then so she can be around to help her cat transition to the new home. I also figure since no one will commit to spending vacation with me I will just take that week off and see how things develop. Worse case I will just relax and work on my tan all week.
Tomorrow is June 1. Carolyn's birthday. She will be 50. You might think she wants to celebrate but I don't think so. I sent her a message about making plans and she could only respond that she was in court. Another message has gone unanswered. It's up to her for now. I'm not making a big deal of it.
I've been going to Lisa's new home the last 2 nights and helping her with whatever she needs. She briefly touched on having a housewarming party but stopped short on who to invite and then said "I have no other friends except for you, Mike". What is that about? Is that part of the fallout from ending an engagement? I'm sure she exaggerates but I am hard pressed to think of who she spends her time with outside of C and myself.
Where am I going with this? I wish I knew. It feels validating but it isn't really getting me anything. I am in this place I don't want to be. I'm not going to dwell on it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Memories of Memorial Day

As typical for me I either had multiple opportunities or none. Things started on Friday. Lisa was finally in her new place right near my house, but I also heard from Janet who wanted me to come out and share dinner with her. I wasn't sure what Lisa wants so I went for dinner with Janet after stopping in to see Lisa. She was prepping for the paint she was going to do on Saturday. I was very conflicted but I also figured she would have her sister for company and also she had told me she was having someone from work who would help.
I was feeling that a lot the entire weekend. I wasn't sure about anything. What I really wanted from Lisa was to share the experience, but I also knew she has an agenda that does not include me. I will probably expand on that later in the week.
I guess can just recap all that I did without any embellishments. Went to help Lisa on Saturday morning. I got one wall painted. Then went to pick mom up at airport. On the way back I stopped at Home Depot to buy more paint.. Helped Lisa paint the rest of her living room. Went to a neighborhood barbecue with Lisa so she could meet the neighbors. Talked to the mayor of Glen Cove. Left an exhausted Lisa laying on my couch to go see the fireworks. Lisa was too tired to go. Saw the most awesome display of fireworks ever. Got home to find Lisa had left a note. Early Sunday Lisa texted me that C was helping. She said she didn't need me to help. Went to the boat and spent morning cleaning from night before. Brought lunch to Lisa and C. Helped them a little. Took a ride with Lisa to Home Depot. Bought plants. Called it a night by 6. Monday I went to see Memorial Day Parade. Snoozed the afternoon away on the boat. Went to barbecue and saw Janet and other friends.
And that was my weekend. Just moving from one thing to another. I am like a rat in a maze. I just keep turning one corner then the next without any idea where I'm going or where I'll end up. Even this post has taken me 2 days.

Friday, May 25, 2012

New beginning or same old same old.

Here it is again. The Memorial Day Weekend has arrived. I consider this to be the best party weekend of the year. At least it is for me. The summer is about to start and we all look at the coming months with hope and optimism. Maybe this will be the summer where everything goes my way. For me, usually by July 4th I've fallen into the familiar pattern for the summer that usually means things will be the same as all the other summers. By then I've become jaded.
But let's not dwell on that. It's a three day weekend!!! My focus is on Saturday. There is a barbecue and fireworks scheduled. In past years I've hosted a picnic/bbq in the park near my boat. For me it involved starting early getting things set up and then waiting for everyone to show up, which would not occur until almost dark. I got tired of that and last year enjoyed a day out on my boat. Seemed like no one even noticed. That is until later. People showed up expect me to have reserved the space in the park only to find me entertaining people at my boat.
This year my mom is arriving from Florida on Saturday morning and she indicated she wanted to see the fireworks. I started to set something up but then my family had other ideas. First Sue and Brian were having it at their house, now my sister says she wants everyone to come there. So I'm off the hook.
Which brings me to the other big event. Lisa is closing on her co-op apartment today. I may just find myself there doing whatever I can to help her. I'm not sure what I will be able to do with all the other things going on but I will be happy to see her as my neighbor once she actually moves. She has indicated to me how much she is looking forward to us doing things we both love. We will see if that actually happens, but at the very least we can just see each other a few times a week.
I think I need to get my camera out and get some pictures into this blog. Stay tuned for that.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Love Rollercoaster

How badly have I started this day .... I don't know but I can tell you this ... somehow I managed to get dressed this morning with my underwear on backwards. So I'm in the bathroom at work, really early so it was just me, and I can't seem to find the opening so I could pee. I finally pull my pants down and I see the tag... Was I even awake this morning when I got dressed? At least I wasn't somewhere in public. I wonder if this is one of those old man things that will be hounding me for the rest of my days. I may need to lock this one in the vault and not tell anyone.
I have been so busy lately it seems I have errands to run everyday after work. Nothing huge, but I needed to go to the grocery store last night. I also have tons of dirty clothes that need to go into laundry. Maybe tonight but I also want to get some things for BBQ this weekend. I may need to hold off laundry until Saturday morning. That will be fun way to start my holiday weekend.
Last night's big event was Lisa calling me about what she needs to do for her new place. She has only 2 more days until she closes. She seems like she is still thinking about what she has lost (her engagement) and is not as excited about her future. She sent me an email and specifically mentioned that. Maybe once she has herself in her new environment she will start to feel better. 
But this needs to be about me. How would I prefer things to be? I don't want to fool myself into thinking Lisa will suddenly appear at my door and confess her love to me. If I've learned anything since I started this blog it is that I'm most likely not going to change anything. If she was even a little in love with me she would not be moving into another place, rather she would just move in to my place. There is this feeling I get that I want her. It never goes away. There has never been anyone that I could get this close to and I kind of don't want anyone else. At least until Lisa finds her next thing. I will consider other things more as a response than me actually wanting someone. I think that is how I've felt about Carolyn. Although she hasn't exactly looked to heat things up either.
I guess I will never get any movement until I get off the ride make it happen. But for now I'm still just on the ride.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Which way to go.

I am going in so many different directions I'm not sure where to start. Friday night started just like the others lately. I get home from work and I have no specific plans. I considered going to the bar but I pretty much have been staying out of there and looking for other options. I also considered staying in and having dinner at home and then going down to the marina and enjoy relaxing there. Then the phone rang and before I knew it I was having dinner with Lisa. We went for sake and sushi.
We were going to just have a nice dinner and then call it a night but I casually mentioned there was a canival going on down at the beach near the boat. Lisa said she would love to go check it out. Next thing I knew I was going on rides with Lisa with all these kids. She was loving it and I was afraid I was going to lose my dinner. I know Lisa for more than 10 years and I had no idea how much she loves these rides. I was easily the oldest one there. And getting sick was a very real problem, but I managed to survive. I want to blame the dinner, but nothing bothered Lisa.
I really enjoyed the feeling of doing these things with Lisa. I don'y want to start bonding too much with her again but it's really hard. I've totlally gotten away from anything else. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
I know we are only going to be friends and that is the limit. I'm sure she has her own things she wants. So when she called me on Saturday from her sister's just to see how I was doing I invited myself there for dinner. Probably should not have done that. By Sunday I think she had enough Mike time. I sent her a message to see if she wanted to do something I got no response until 5 PM. She said she had left her phone on the changer so didn't know I'd texted. By then I was enjoying a glass of wine with Carolyn, of all people. I hadn't seen her in weeks and she had come down to her boat to clean. I helped her a bit but not too long. It was a nice distraction.
So like I said ... many directions.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Basic Thursday

I noticed the other day that in the ariel font the letters "r" and "n" seem to meld into an "m" and the word torn looks way too much like Tom. Maybe it's my eyes.
It finally Friday. I want that to mean something but I'm also thinking about how little I have accomplished lately. Last Friday I was hanging around the house and ended up having Lisa for company. It wasn't the perfect evening but it was way better than anything else I could have come up with. I want more but I hesitate to ask her if she'd like to plan an evening. I think last Friday was all about how nothing else came up for her so she went to me as a last resort. I am tempted to spend tonight doing laundry. It may be the better option than going out as the lone wolf or hoping for a repeat of last weekend.
Last night I was feeling especially trapped inside so after I finished cleaning up from dinner I went to the boat, which was the only place I could think of. I got there only minutes before sunset and I could feel a chill in the air by the time the sun had gone down so I wasn't there very long. There is a carnival in the park this weekend and last night was day one. It is one of those things where these truck based rides are set up with lots of light and noise. There was also a band playing old Beatle songs. I noticed Carolyn's sister Nancy leaving in her car as I was coming in but I passed by without her seeing me. It's just as well. That was as close to seeing anyone. I considered going in and seeing the band but they ended their set before I could get over there and I felt better about going home. And that was my evening. It should be easy to top.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Man In the Mirror

Tons of work to do. But I need to post today. Lots going on and yet nothing going on. Because it is mostly in my head. As time goes by I feel less and less like calling Carolyn. Right now she is so absorbed in her troubles she can't really focus on anything else. I have too much I want to do other than feel bad for her. She made her own mess and I'd rather not get sucked into it. Besides, she has made it clear she is never looking at me as anything but someone to kill time with and nothing more.
With that I am feeling more and more like I am the lone warrior. I mean I can always find someone who wants to have dinner or enjoy a night out but as I feel every one of my 55 years I seem to care less and less whether it leads to anything or not. I am more content at home with my cat than anywhere else right now. I was once jealous of couples but now I kind of look at them as stuck. Maybe that is just me being jaded or rationalizing my current situation to where I can cope. But right now I feel like no one has it better then I do.
Lisa moving had me worried that I was going to get obsessive but I'm trying to check that at the door. It will be good that my closest friend is my neighbor. My suspicions that she is looking to spend time with her married co-worker are proving to be more on the money lately. That will play out and I won't get emotional about it no matter what.
As I grow older I see women my age doing things like that more and more. All the rules they have get thrown to the side whenever it is convenient. I have tried to remain true to myself. It's not keeping me very warm at night but I look in the mirror every morning and like what I see.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I was off from work on Monday so I could attend the funeral for my sister's father-in-law. All my siblings were there so while it was a somber day it wasn't sad. We always enjoy getting together. I had hopes of getting the process completed and getting a few other things done that should have been done over the weekend. So I ran errands all afternoon. I still need to do laundry but that needs to wait.
Friday night I had no real plan so I started to make sauce from a jar for spaghetti when my phone rang. Lisa was passing by and wanted to drop by. I was fine with that. I shut off the stove and put everything away. I made us a snake and we processed to enjoy a cocktail while watching the Mets. It was deja vu from more than 5 years ago. We chatted until about 10. We also met for coffee in the morning after the gym.
I continue to enjoy what I have and make no attempt at changing things. Lisa will soon be my neighbor and we will see each other more than we have. But I need to keep other options open. Years ago when i tried to make things romantic with her she said I should hold on to those feelings and I've spent a considerable amount of energy trying not to expect anything. Because of this I rarely initiate anything we do together. But Sunday I changed that a little.
I was planning to get the boat out and it was a nice warm day. I had already gotten my friend Chris to go so it wouldn't be just us. So away we went and had one of my nicer boat days. Considering that it's not even the middle of May it is one of my earliest starts. I wonder if that means I can finally have the boating season I've always wanted?
Which brings me to last year. I got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn last year and that was great. But we seem to have a distance between us now that I'm pretty sure I'm more responsible for than she is. Thing is it feels to me she liked the status quo and I am starting to feel like I want something more. I wanted to make things romantic and she pushed me away. And I was pretty straight forward about it. She hasn't called me except when she needs something. But perhaps I'm doing that. I have spent time with Lisa and have told Carolyn about what I do so maybe she figured I'm not as available as I might be.
I'm not thinking I've blown anything but there is for sure a communication blockage right now. I still like to see Carolyn but it feels like she is not wanting me around. Maybe I should call her tonight. Stay tuned.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Forever Young

It appears I've completely lost all interested readers. I have zero views on my last post so I guess I really am just doing this for me.
The only news I have is that my sister's father-in-law passed away earlier this week. He was 93 so it's not as if he was so young. But it was sudden and he wasn't sick so it is a bit of a shock for them. The funeral is Monday so I'm taking a day off from the office to attend.
Howie (short for Howard) loved sailing, just like my dad and he was part of the crew my dad organized to sail to Bermuda in 1986. I was also a part of that. I got to know him fairly well during that trip. There is a picture of us at the end of that rip on the wall in my house. Of the 6 men in the picture I think only my brother Barry and I are still breathing.
I don't know what the to expect this weekend. No real plans are being made. Sunday is mother's day but since my mom is in Florida there will only be a phone call then the rest of the day will be free to do what ever I want.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Lost and Found

I received my tax refund from both the Fed and NYS. I made my deposit via ATM, because I wanted the paper check. I didn't want to give the Gov direct access to my account. I'm still a little "old school". So as I'd finished that and I headed to the office early this morning and I saw a piece of paper laying on the sidewalk that caught my eye. I almost walked past it. I picked it up and saw it was a check. Uncashed and unendorsed.  The amount was more than $2000. Who drops something like that? Well the name was a woman. It looked like it was a draw from a retirement account so I am sure it is needed. I spent more than a little time trying to return it. There is an address I can send it to and that looks to be the only method although I did a name search for an email or phone number. The Internet is so secure now that getting some one's contact information without paying some search company is near to impossible.
So I'll stop the the Post Office and get a stamp and put it in an envelope and mail it. I was curious who could be so wealthy that they could toss aside a check to that much money and not be running up and down 8th Avenue screaming. I guess since it is a bank check it theoretically can't be cashed and a new one can be cut. But I imagine that must be quite a hassle.
Not a lot of other activity to speak of. I did place a call down to mom in Florida. I hadn't spoken to her in a while so I was anxious to hear how she was. She told me she would be here in NY for Memorial Day weekend. So I am now considering having a family gathering on that Saturday. I've had them before but the last time I did that it was more work than it was worth. I felt as if no one really cared weather or not they came. I was at the picnic area early so we would have a good spot and no one would show up until 4 hours later. Last year I just had people at the boat. Maybe this year I'll do it up again.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Yuck - It's Monday already

I am 15 minutes from a meeting. I really want to add something but this will need to be very short.
I took Lisa and her sister to dinner on Friday and then Lisa and I went to see the Mets on Saturday. It was a good weekend for me. Lisa expect to close on her new co-op apartment in about 10 days. The more I think about it the more I am realizing how great it will be to have her as a neighbor. We will both own so it's like a life time friendship now. Neither one of us will be going anywhere anytime soon. I am very pleased about that even though it probably makes anything more than that pretty much impossible.
I did manage a phone call to Carolyn. She was scheduled to have her boat put into the water on Saturday and I though if she needed help I should let her know. Turns out there is a delay and it will be rescheduled. I guess what will happen is I will just show up one day and it'll just be there. We have no plans to see each other.
I did the gym on Saturday and Sunday. It wore me out a bit. I was having trouble moving off the couch on Sunday afternoon. The price I pay for skipping most of the last 2 weeks. I want to say I will go again on Tuesday but Wednesday is more likely.
I am getting ready for my meeting. Yuck. Meeting on a Monday... who wants that.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Good week so far.

Some times I think I want to start making things up just so that I can make life more interesting and then increase the number of readers I may have. I would do it but then I'd have trouble remembering truth from fiction and if I get nothing else out of this at least I can maintain a level of sincerity even if it's more than a little uninteresting.
Yesterday Lisa went to see the co-op board. It appears she will be my neighbor in the very near future. After the meeting she stopped by to tell me how it went. She looked great as she was dressed to the nines to give the best impression. At the very least I was impressed. As things are lining up she has a huge work event on Thursday that has taken almost all of her attention for the last few weeks. With the completion of that she will shift gears into closing and moving. She said to me how good she feels that she  can manage all these things and seem as if they all can work out. She said she has surprised herself. I told her I've always felt she was a mover and a shaker, but it was been quite a busy few months. I told her when she finally has some down time she may need a little R & R.
Not long after Lisa left I got a knock on the door from my neighbor Esther who could wait to give me her news. She was re-hired back to the civil service job that she liked so much. I must say it has been a good week for most everyone.  It is only Wednesday.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Looking forward to the month of May.

I am enjoying a day of working from home today. In addition to getting my work done I am getting some of my laundry done and hopefully I can get the things from winter stored away and get the summer stuff out. I guess that's all I need to say about that.
Last weekend was another in a long line of every other weekend, I spent Friday night out to dinner with Carolyn listening to how messed up her life is and me trying to say I can help but not committing to anything. I finally made a case for myself and came up empty, but then there is Carolyn talking about planning a summer trip together. Very mixed messages. Anyone with any self-respect at all would just take off and never look back.
Good news. Yesterday I heard from Lisa and her move to my co-op is back on. I pretty much figured that since no one would benefit if she was turned down for a mortgage based on the insurance documentation that the maintenance company needed to supply. She has a meeting with the co-op board tonight and then from there she should have a closing date within a week or so.
My days  now consist on work and tv and I alway hold out hope that once the weather warms there will be more fun and adventure. It's May 1. This has always been my most optimistic month. I am already planning my Memorial Day weekend. I look forward to seeing a Met game with Lisa this Saturday. And it is Cinco de Mayo. I don't know what that will bring but it is something to look forward to.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The One Who Got Away.

I've been sitting on this for a couple of days. I've been on FB for a long time but up until recently I never pay it much attention. Every now and then I would post a picture or make a comment. Then last year I got a Droid phone and now I find myself checking things out almost obsessively. As time has gone on I've been friending people I haven't seen in years. Mostly old friends from when I grew up, but no one I ever wanted to actually see. That is until the other day.
I had a "friend" request waiting for a response. Typically I hate those because more often than not they are people I'd just a soon not have contact with. But there is was ... Winnie requesting to be friends. Win was my next door neighbor from when I was 12 until I was 24. When we met she was the kid next door but some how I got infatuated with her. We never did anything except hang out but I always wished we could date. We used to go to movies and the beach together but could never be romantic. Eventually she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend and that was that. But she was always the one who got away. When I was 24 she met her soon to be husband and she was gone from my life.
I always find myself thinking about what her life must be like now. She moved away and she has her life with a son and a husband. Through the Internet I am able to reach out to her but I rarely do because I'm pretty sure her husband looks at me like I'm the enemy, which basically, I am. Every so often a get a junk email from an address that I think she shares with her husband. I responded a few times. For the most part it's silence. Once about 6 years ago I got a direct email from her and we went back and forth chatting for a few hours. Her father had died recently and she was coming to NY with her family to for a memorial and visit other family and she made the mistake of telling me where. So I went. I managed to talk Lisa into going with me so I wouldn't feel like a stalker. There are pictures on an old blog post here somewhere.
That was the last time I'd seen or heard from her. I got the feeling I may have caused her an embarrassing moment. But I did get to see lots of her family again who I hadn't seen since we were all kids.
Now she was on FB and asking to friend me. So I did. Then sent her a short note saying hello and asking how she was. No response which I expected. From her wall I could see she isn't spending much time in there. There were a few new pictures so it was nice to see what she looks like now. If she has changed at all since high school I don't see it. I know I should put up a picture but I'm not.
I often wonder if she ever looks back at her high school days and remembers me. When she got married I went to the wedding I was surprised that she had no one else there from our high school. Which made me her oldest friend. She was always my oldest friend. I'd love it if she could check in on FB with me every now and then. I'm only mildly interested. Now if my first girlfriend sent me a "friend" request... yikes, that'll have to be another post.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I can't wait for tomorrow

I've been unable to get a new entry for a while. Not as if I've no news. I've just been staying away from distractions and this has fallen into that category as of late. But today I can make a point.
Friday night I took Carolyn out to dinner. Somewhere after the first glass of wine we talked about sleeping together. And it was her who brought it up. With that in mind and we finished dinner I took her home and we relaxed on her couch together. I was trying to get to second base but SHE SHUT ME DOWN. She explained how messed up and complicated her life is and all I wanted to do was get her into bed. I left there feeling very frustrated but also I made my intentions pretty clear. I guess if we did start something I would be looking for commitment. It may not have helped that her 15 year old son arrived home in the middle of all this. He didn't interrupt anything since there really wasn't much to interrupt. It was late so he just aid hello and went to bed. I knew it was time to either make a move or go home. The last thing that happened I tried to go upstairs to her bedroom but she directed me out the front door instead.
The rest of my weekend was pretty much just me doing nothing. I have lots of work to do to get the boat ready so I set about that. I'm a little disappointed that Lisa my not become my neighbor after all. It seems there is a complication with her mortgage and she may just walk away from the whole process. It is a situation that has nothing to do with her ... seems the co-op has what may be invalid insurance. It can probably be fixed but it may not happen in time for Lisa to secure the mortgage. It will be worked out one way or another by the end of the week I think.
The week is off to a great start. Rainy Monday. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I can't wait!

Trying this again for the second day. I really wanted to post since I've gotten a comment from Cindy. When I get feedback it always inspires me. But I am swamped at work and at home I have been avoiding the computer. And there is stuff to write about.
Late last week I made plans to get together with Carolyn for dinner or something, but I was unable to get in touch with her. I feel that may be my fault since I didn't try too hard to make it happen. I didn't reach out to confirm with her until the very last minute so of course she made herself unavailable by not answering or responding. This went on until Sunday when I sent an email asking if she even still had a working phone. She called and said she had been busy with kids. I'm fine with that and we have rescheduled tentatively, but I get the feeling I'll have to make it either happen or not. And I'm feeling so indifferent.
The reason is I once again feel the Lisa attraction. I know I shouldn't have hopes but I feel like she is about to gain her freedom from the bf and we are spending more and more time doing the things that I know we both enjoy. But I feel like I still need to maintain a safe distance. So I keep letting her come to me which she does. Sunday night I was prepping some left-overs for dinner when the phone rang and it was Lisa. she wanted to go to get dinner and would I like to come. So I threw the food I had in the trash and out the door I went. We met at a Sushi restaurant. We finished eating and we kept on talking long after the food had been cleared and the check paid. I kept expecting her to say it was time. It ended up me saying it. It was one of those odd moments where I felt like I never wanted the moment to end. She is so good at confusing me.
It would be so easy for me to just dive into crazy and do a full on seduction but when I've tried that before it's been disastrous. So I am trying to convince myself it's nothing and I need to make other plans. Bet I really don't have any. At least not now.
One of the things I have been finding myself do at work when ever someone asks me a question about a work project and I have yet to start it I will reply "I can't wait to get started". What this really means is "I have so many things on my plate I can't even see a day when this will ever get done". But if I say that I'll have managers and directors all up in my face about what I need to do. So that is my little joke to myself. I can't wait until my next blog.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Sugar and spice

Out of nowhere I heard from Carolyn earlier this week. So, of course we made plans to have dinner this weekend. She reached out to me via email and she wants to get together so I said yes. Maybe this is my chance to take some advice from VJ and make a stand. Thing is I'd about lost interest in Carolyn and I am actually thankful we kept some distance. Right now she is all about her troubles that have nothing to do with me. She has been screwed by her ex-husband, her family, and her job. And on top of that before we started spending time together her bf, Andy died from cancer. That was more than a year ago. She is so wounded.
Carolyn is also very attractive and she used to be fun. She would flirt with me and make me think I was a man who had something. But then as I got to know her better she has shut me down. I'm not sure if she looked at me different or I was just getting into a comfort zone that meant we didn't have that spark any more. Regardless the dynamic between us was changed. And not for the better. Although I was filling a need for her I started to feel like my needs were never being addressed. So I've been letting her go.
I would like to put these thoughts out there with her but I'm not sure I'm prepared for what commitment might be needed. She may have to move out of her house and I'm not sure I can make room in my life for that. I'm not sure I can put someones whole life under my roof.
And all these things are spinning around in my head. I know I shouldn't over think this but all I have is my thoughts. What is funny is it was almost exactly a year ago since I had my little thing with Doreen. She liked me enough to want to go to AC with me but I needed to go slower. Then she went with her ex-bf and I just blew her off after that. She just needed to have someone take care of her. She wanted a sugar daddy and I am never looking to be that.  

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mid-week and mid-life crisis

I managed to file my taxes this week. I'm receiving more than $4000 if I did my forms right. That's why I bought a new home. Once I get my money I should be fine for the foreseeable future. I can even start to think about getting a new car. But probably will wait.
Lisa came by and I helped her with the tax return she needed to as well. Her return was much simpler that mine, but that will change for her next year. We were done fairly quick so we sat back with a drink and she tald me about her Easter. She is easily stressed and a huge family gathering was no exception. Her soon-to-be ex went with her and she was telling me how easy it is for her to slip into being part of a couple. For a while she had enjoyed herself, but then she got annoyed at the men who pretty much at and ignored the clean-up process. She said she couldn't even vent because her bf never really gets it.
So we then talked about her future and I found myself trying to reassure her that things will be great. She is afraid of being alone and I was trying to make her feel better about it. Later I was thinking how I hypocritical because I have been struggling and I'm only more optimistic now because I may get to spend more time with her. She will probably have other men before too long and that will bother me. And yet there I am telling her how there will be a good future for her even though deep down I hope not. I need to find words that are more honest and sincere and yet are helpful.

Monday, April 9, 2012


I'm not real happy with my Blog lately. Seems that it has been under attack buy spammers. I've been getting dozens of comments but none with keeping or even reading. It has me considering other options.
I do use facebook, but I don't feel comfortable telling the whole truth there. To many know me and might not feel good about everything I say.
Sunday was Easter and I had a family dinner at my sister's along with 3 of my 4 siblings. My sister pulled out all the stops making a ham, lamb and lasagna. There wasn't enough room on one plate for everything. We are now quite an assortment .... there was my sister Maryliz, her husband Ken, and her three who are all over 20 now. Her oldest introduced her new bf Jordon. He seems okay. Only time will tell for her.
My older brother Barry was there but was without his wife or 2 kids. He has them all away, the kids are at school and the wife is visiting her mom in Florida.
Another brother Sean was there with his 2 girls. His marriage is slowly coming to an end and his soon to be ex-wife (who he is still living with btw) was with her family. I didn't even ask where.
Then there was my nephew James and is new wife Linda. They chose to spend Easter with us rather than going to his own sister's house along with his parents, my other brother Brian.
The weather turned out nice so there was an Easter egg hunt ... which you might think we are all a little old for but I guess not. We pooled some money and there was a winning egg which I did not get.
Speaking of money, I started doing my taxes on Saturday and I can't find some of my documents. I know I had them and I thought I put them in a safe place but now I can't find them anywhere/ I tore my house apart looking too. So now I need to see if I can get copies. I need to get it done by next Monday.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It's all pretty lame right now.

I updated the look of my blog and my initial response is it's pretty lame. But to me it's all about content but I'm not sure that's much different. But it's my blog so I'll make changes when I feel the urge, otherwise this is it.
I got home from work last night and all I could do was crash on the couch. No gym, no going to the bar, no phone calls in or out. It's the hermits life for me. It was fairly warm outside as well. I considered going for a walk but didn't.
Easter is coming and I have plans for dinner at my sister's along with who ever else from my family shows up. I'm not sure what I'll bring but I need to do something. Maybe some kind of dessert.
Work has been keeping me busy and I haven't been updating as frequently as I once did. It's work and little else going on right now. I'm really just biding my time waiting for the baseball season to start and for Lisa to move to her new place right across the street from me. I also have to start getting the boat in order too. That typically starts now.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Another weekend has come and gone. I did little to nothing. I was out with Janet and Roberta on Friday and before we even had a drink in front of us but who walks in none other than Coleen. She was there with Tommy, he's a jerk. Last time I saw him he had fallen over in the bathroom of the bar. And it wasn't even 3 PM yet. Well, I'd decided I wasn't going to spend any more of my time with stupid idiots like them. And what happens, they find me when I go out to dinner. Coleen did stop by and say hello, and wanted to meet me at the gym. But I've been stood up enough to know she's not doing that.
After than I enjoyed an okay dinner and we moved on to have a drink at the bar. I was home by 10. But I still couldn't get my ass out of bed for the gym. Eventually my phone rang and that got me out of bed. Lisa needed to stop by. I can't wait until she moves. I may be more excited about her move than I was about mine. I need to not be.
No word from Carolyn for a while. I guess she is doing what she needs to do get get her life back on track. I hope. I have a feeling at the end she will be leaving town.

Friday, March 30, 2012

It's a free ride when you've already paid.

Friday. Yay. I think. I haven't done much this week to be proud of. I've blown off the gym and have no excuse. I just go home and get on the couch and can't move. No where to go. March needs to end now. Spring is here but it is still kind of cold. The 70 degree weather that teased us a week ago is just a memory now.
At least tonight I have a plan I reached out to Janet and she and her friend Roberta and I are going to a seafood restuarant for dinner tonight. I recently found out that Janet's daughter will have her first grandchild in September and it's a secret. The rest of my weekend is kind of up in the air. I wouldn't mind doing nothing. I know I need to stay away from the bar.
I called Carolyn last night but could only get her voicemail. I'm not even sure if she even still has the phone since it may have been tied to her job that she no longer has. I don't even care that she never called me back.
What does bother me is I don't hear much from Lisa lately. I know she has to focus on a big project at work so I've been trying to let her come to me. But I also still continue to be nagged by this feeling she has something going on at work besides the project. His name is married Mark and that is all I know.
I read with keen interest the tips from VJ on getting laid and while she does have good advice, there wasn't really anything there I don't already know. Unfortunately like Alanis Morrissette says in her song Ironic, there's good advice that you just can't take.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

My dreams are not coming true.

I overslept this morning so I had to take the later train. It was nice to get the extra sleep but I don't have my usual morning time to create a big post. My plan was to create a list of things that no one here probably knows. I'll try but it will definitely be shorter than originally planned.

  1. I was an English major in college but flunked out because I couldn't write well enough.

  2. I didn't have a girlfriend either in high school or college.

  3. From the time I was 24 until I was 44 I moved 14 times. Always less than 5 miles away.

  4. I play Strat-o-matic baseball since I was 12, first with cards and dice and now with computer. The factory is located less than a mile from the house I grew up in.

  5. In almost 20 years at my job I've taken less than 10 sick days.

  6. I have more than 3000 cd's. Seems like I never listen to them though.

  7. Up until 10 years ago I would go skiing in Vermont at least 10 weekends in winter each year. Since then I've skied exactly once. And I was VERY afraid.

  8. I own a guitar but I don't know how to play it.

  9. In three years I learned how to scuba dive and logged over 100 dives. I haven't gone on a dive in over 8 years.

  10. I own a boat that my mom and dad traveled everywhere from Maine to the Bahamas and the Florida Keys. When I first got it I took it out to Martha's Vineyard and Newport, but I have not gone overnight on it in about 8 years.

I have dreams and I have what I need to get to where I want to go but I have been so stuck in life I'm not sure if I'll ever find what I want. I know it's 99 percent my doing and I guess I need to make my own way.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Blog about nothing.

I made a small mistake while paying my bills. Seems I did pay my cell phone bill and it is not overly late. I found the payment in my online statement. But I'd already written out the check, put it in the envelope, sealed and stamped it. Lucky I did not mail it. I can still send it, just not yet. I can put it in the mail in 10 days or so and it can go towards next month's bill.
Other than the fact that I am ahead on my bills right now I am feeling very unmotivated. Spring is here and there is lots to do but I have not prepared myself for anything. I will need to get the boat ready soon and I expect it will start this weekend. I'm just not sure I'm up to it.
I've also decided that I'm staying away from the bar for the foreseeable future. I'm just not feeling like it's worth the money I've spend there. Lately I'm much happier at home or making plans with other friends. But mostly I've been staying in.
It's been especially tough getting out of bed lately. And I feel like I need a nap most of the day. I'm afraid it may be sleep apnea. It feels like I may be snoring a lot more than usual, which may be related to my congestion. There is no one there so I can't be too sure. I guess it is that time of year. I am considering taking a day off soon just to sleep in a bit. Thus far this year I've taken just one single paid day and I have about 9 weeks in the bank so it isn't like I can't. I really wish I had a vacation plan.