Friday, March 10, 2006

As if

Don't know what I'm doing. I'm a little unsure of myself right now. It's Friday and I am having dinner with Lee and her friends. I'm already looking forward to being done with it and getting on the train. Spoke to Janet and she will be having drinks in Westbury. We both anticipate going to Stangos later. Then tomorrow we will have dinner with Roberta and Judy and anyone else who might decide to be there. Sunday there is a wake for someone I know from the beach in Glen Cove. Janet will be there too. Janet, Janet, Janet. Is it possible to spend too much time with someone who probably is only interested in friendship?

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Facing my life a little each day

Plans get made. Thank God I have friends. Losing my closest friend has left me scared but also reassured that I am not alone. All my friends have been there for me and I cannot say enough for how that makes me feel.

I have not been intimate with someone in so long it barely even in my memory, but the people that I call friends are all so caring I should never feel unloved. Especially Lisa. She held me while I cried, calls me almost every day or emails me just to make sure I'm good. I know this will be temporary but it makes me fall more and more in love with her . I can't see how I will ever have a love for someone else like I feel about her. When my life ends and flashes before my eyes she will be the star.

I'm also getting a little closer to Janet all the time. She has been including me in her plans and we are in contact most every day. When I've called her the last few weeks we talk much longer than I would expect. I want to tell her how much I'm attracted to her but I can't seem to find the words. My heart is telling me something that my head says it can never have.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Last weekend

I got out last Friday and spent some time with Janet at the Italian restaurant we like. I enjoyed her attention. She gave me a nice hello and we talked more than we had in a long time. It was just a nice relaxing evening. First fun I'd had since Joe died.

On Monday morning Janet sent me an email with some old pictures of herself from years ago. The oldest was from the 60s!

Friday, March 3, 2006

My best friend died last week

That's right. My friend Joe died suddenly on February 20th, 2006. I am feeling very lost and alone. I last saw him the night before which was a Sunday. Since I was off for Presidents' Day and he had to work I told him I would call him at his office and said good night at 10:00 PM. At 9 the next morning Tracy from his office called and said that the whole office was saying that Joe's family had called to say her had died. I was in disbelief so I immediately got into my car and went to his house where I saw his oldest son Michael who told me he died in his sleep over night.

I was in shock. I've spent the last 2 weeks morning his loss. I've never felt such grief. How could he just be gone. I can't believe I won't hear the sound of his voice again when I keep hearing it in my head. This is more sadness than I have ever felt.

I never buried a friend before. At least not someone who I could say was a close friend. We knew each other for 8 years. Not a day went by where we didn't talk. I feel so bad ... like I need to tell him something but he's not there anymore. During his wake I cried uncontrollably.