Happy New Years Eve - almost

In all likelihood this will be my last post for 2011. No reminiscing for me here. I do not like to look back as I always think it's better to keep looking ahead. What I seem to have it in my mind is that I want to spend more time in 2012 with Lisa. I am not sure what that will be but it is something that I want.


Taking Lisa out to dinner last Wednesday has been in my thoughts constantly. She has a way that makes me want to be with her all the time. I thought I had pushed that out of my head when she moved in with Carmine and then got engaged. But now she is telling me how they aren't ever moving to marriage and how badly she wants out. She described in detail how cold their relationship is. I can't even imagine how that is. She said they are now sleeping in separate rooms.


But she hasn't ended it. She is still wearing his ring and as long as I see that I'd better not assume anything. I certainly won't plan anything. Even our dinner was spontaneous. I mentioned it after she started by sending me a text.


Carolyn on the other hand seems to be drawing away. Not sure if I've pushed her aside or she is just going on her own. But I called her last night and she didn't answer or return my call. Now I want to make plans without her. As I dialed the phone I was thinking how difficult it is to muster up the energy to make that call. You would think I would want to talk to her but most of the calls I've made to her I felt worse after the call than before. She can't seem to get optimistic about anything much less the plans I might suggest. So much negativity.


It got me thinking that if I call Lisa or even the rare times I call Coleen it is never like that. I would think if she really liked me she would be happier when I call. Is the black cloud around her so think that nothing can come through.


I'm probably better off on my own and I need to get more content with that. The more I think about it the more I want to spend NYE relaxing at home. If I go out I'll just be forcing myself to try and have fun. That actually works sometimes but I'm just not sure I want to this time.

Just a word or two today.

I went to dinner with Lisa last night. The entire dinner she was moaning about how she wants out of her engagement. I suspect there is another man involved but she won't tell me about that yet. I wish it was me but I can't see it. Still it was an enjoyable evening. I will probably text more about that when I have a better perspective, which will happen over time.
Today my new television came. It was sad to see the old one go out the door but after a few hours of high def I'm over it. At least I get to see one Jet game on a good picture. Meanwhile the cable box in the bedroom seems to be on the fritz. Always gotta be something.
Still no real NYE plan. I sent an email to Carolyn and her reply was short so I'm not really expecting any real plans to be made unless it's the last minute. With a new TV I could just stay in and be just as happy.
That's it for today. Tomorrow I should have more to say.

Armageddon in 2012?

For the days that so many things happen I never have the opportunity to post, but now that nothing much is going on I can post every day. Like I always say, "Live more, blog less".
Today is Wednesday and we are half way between Christmas and New Years. As each day goes by I grow more anxious and I don't even know why. I have no real plans. I am hesitating to make any. The only girl even willing to make a plan with me is Carolyn and I think I will see if I can make something happen there. But in my mind I almost want to leave my options open until the last minute. As I write this I realize how stupid that must sound. Compared to last year I am way ahead of the game. It was a year ago I agreed to go with Chris to a "movie event" at the Huntington Cinema. The thought was there would be a cocktail party afterwards that might include some highbrow discussions about the movie and maybe I could mix it up a bit. Pretty much all I saw were a bunch of sixty and seventy year-olds. Then I found out the "cocktails" were alcohol free. I made the best of that but I'm not doing that again. I want music and dancing.
I also want to use the end of the year to assess where I've been and where I'm going. I would like to turn up the heat on Carolyn. Either we move towards being a couple or I start spending my time elsewhere. I need to feel close to someone.
It's not like me to push the issue. One of the things that I've always felt is that the answer to those questions are usually answered before they are even asked. I believe by just talking about these things mean they will not go the way I hope. I just want what everyone else wants. I know I read the comments and I know what has been suggested is probably the best way to go. I should let go of what is not working and try to find something new. I've done singles events and joined online dating sites. I may do that again but my past experiences have been very disappointing. Maybe I'm too jaded or old but I just feel so fake when I see people in those kind of situations. Everyone looks at the surface and it's just so easy to move on that I never feel like I can connect. I'll never be the hot guy in the room so I never really feel like I can attract.
So here comes 2012 ... the last year on the Mayan calendar. Maybe End of Days? Or maybe the start of a new era. We will see.

Wonderful Christmas Time

Christmas did not end until I got myself a gift. I bought a 46" Sony TV. I was determined to spend no more than $700 and when the sales guy said the price was $899 I said forget it. I asked if it was the one on sale before Christmas for $698. He said he wasn't sure. I was ready to give up and half-hearted-ly looked around at some others. After 10 minutes he came back and said they would give me the sale price... woohoo! I said wrap it up. I decided to get it delivered because they would take away the old one. I put it on my store credit card which means one year interest free. I can pay for it all now but I'm thinking I'll pay $200 a month and have it paid off by the start of baseball.
From there I figured I needed something to put it on.The old TV is a huge console plasma thing but the way the new one is I needed something better to use. My TV bookcase is probably my best piece of furniture so I wanted something that would match to it. The first place I went to had something too small and too expensive. But the second place had what I thought was my exact same bookcase with the middle piece that would be perfect right on display. I was pretty much ready to pay whatever it would cost, but it turned out to be exactly the number I had budgeted... $200. I can't pick it up until a week from Wednesday but it should fit in my car so I'll just go get it then.
So it turned out to be a very good Christmas for me. At least the after Christmas was. The stuff before and during Christmas was all about food and drink. On Friday night I went to my brother's house for a cocktail party. One of his guests was a girl I dated way back in 1980 something. I want to say '82 but maybe I'm off a year or two. Her name is Gina and when we broke up (her idea, but I was fine with it) she found a guy who would be her husband. He was also there. It was nice to see her at first but she seemed more glad to see me than I expected. She was taking to me for a long time. Her hubby was there so it was just seeing al old friend and catching up. I forgot how much fun she was to talk to. She could always make me laugh. It's funny that as we get older and we see someone we once had feelings for they can kind of still be there even 30 years later. I almost wanted to give her my number just so we could talk more, but I thought that wouldn't be anywhere near appropriate.
I spent most of Saturday wrapping and getting ready. I stopped by Lisa's and she let me borrow a pocket printer so I could print pictures for the family. I told her to have a great Christmas to which she just rolled her eyes and said she would talk to me later. There is trouble in paradise and she is not enjoying the holiday at all. I should have hopes but I still do. It looks like she has her next thing lined up. She has dropped the name of a guy she works with a few times and I know she has a plan, twisted as it may be. As details are revealed I will relay them in the blog. For starters I know he is married.
Lisa stopped by on Christmas day and I decided not to give her the nice jewelery I bought for her. She didn't have a gift for me so I held my gift back. I will either return it or her birthday is just 6 weeks away so I can always give it to her then. Meanwhile I we made a plan to get together on Monday.
After Lisa left I went to Carolyn's for dinner. I considered not giving her the jewelry I got for her since I am rethinking our time together. She had bought me a present and it wasn't anything really special is was something nice. So I broke and gave it to her anyway. And of course she loved it. We had a nice dinner with her kids.

Good times bad times.

I am having what I hope will be a quiet day in the office. Not a lot of people are in since we start our 4 day Christmas holiday after today. Most people with any time left are taking the day. Not me. I'm here like always.
Last night I recieved a text message from a co-worker I rarely see anymore. Mariana has been a friend since I first started here and when I met her she was single but now she is married and has year-old twins. We have always been friends although there was a time I really wanted to date her. I let that go more than 10 years ago but we always seem to re-connect about once a year. Maybe we can have a laugh over lunch today.
I was feeling especially lonely last night so I reached out by phone to Carolyn. I knew right away she was not happy. That's not something I can fix but I tried anyway. But I kept the conversation short and avoided making any plans. She was having a tough time with work and I think she almost quit. I sensed she was having her own little pity party. After like 3 "my life sucks" comments I told her we will get together for Christmas and then said goodbye. After I hung up I was feeling really bad. I'm so tired of being the fixer and want something that will give me a little joy.
Between Lisa and Carolyn it doesn't seem there is a whole person there. They both seem so broken and I wonder if I should be around them right now. It's not like either one of them see me as a solution to what their problems are. But then I feel so alone and need someone to talk to. It's tough right now.

Early Bird

I dragged myself out of bed an hour early today. That would be 5:15 AM. This was in order to make the train at 6:08 getting me into NYC by 7:10. I used this time to make it into Macy's and finish my shopping. Whew. It worked out well as I beat the crowds and took care of presents for mom, my sister, Lisa and Carolyn. It was more than $500 but I figure it's been a good year and maybe I can start the next year off on the right foot.
Then I stopped at the men's department and treated myself to a few things. Just some shirts that were marked down somewhere between 50 and 75 percent. Total was less than $60. Yay me!
I have to work today and tomorrow but then I am off for Friday and again on Monday. I guess I can get all my last minute things done Friday and get my wrapping done too. Saturday the plan is to spend Christmas Eve with my extended family. I accepted invite from Carolyn for Christmas dinner. I don't know how I feel about that but I couldn't say no.
Not much else today. I am feeling good and for once I am looking forward to a Christmas of friends and family. I've come so far to get here. I'm still alone but I feel lucky and blessed.

Santa is coming to town

I have 15 minutes to post before I go to a meeting. There isn't much to say so I can fit this in. I am working my way through getting all my money issues out of the way. Now that I've got the cash from my retirement account I can pay my VISA bill off, and pay my brother the money he is owed. I'll have enough to take care of any other expenses between now and spring. I will still try to keep a budget but at least I can make any payments that come due.
I spent last evening home doing very little. There were no phone calls in or out. I just made myself a nice dinner and chilled in from of my broken tv. I will consider getting a new one but not until at least after Christmas. I plan to get a few more presents for people over the next 3 days. I can't decide if presents for Carolyn or Lisa is warranted. I'd like to get something appropriate. My status is somewhat in limbo with each of them. My plan is to stop in Macy's at least one more time and see if something in the jewelry counter strikes me. I'm considering earrings for under $50 might be just the thing.

Life Goes On

Living life has been keeping me too busy for the blog. This will be an all too brief update. I finally received the money I'd been waiting for. So like a sailor on leave or an inmate who was just paroled I've been out living it up a bit. I was out to dinner three times last week which cost me in the neighborhood of $300. It was sort of worth it. I took Lisa out twice and Carolyn out once. Spending more time with Lisa is always worth while for me. The event with Carolyn was Friday night in the City and I enjoyed it but there was a moment that I am a little peeved about and I feel like i need to make a point about it although for now I've just let it go.
I will start with Lisa. We both needed to do some Christmas shopping so after that we went to our favorite Indian restaurant. It was so good. She talked about how much she misses the things we do. I still adore her and I realized how much more I enjoy her company than anyone else. I wish I didn't because she doesn't seem to ever want to see me in a sexual way. Even after more than 10 years of knowing her I am more attracted to her than ever.
On Friday night she called me and we met for dinner again. She has reserved her Friday's for her fiance for as long as I can remember so this was very unusual. I asked her about that and she told me just how bad things are right now. I should not have any expectations but if she needs a place to go I want to be there.
But I am not going to put all my eggs on one basket. So I also spent some time with Carolyn. We were at a Christmas Concert on Thursday night in NYC. It was something she really wanted to see and I just figured if I could make her happy then I should do it. We travelled into the City by train and found a place for dinner. Over dinner we were talking about nothing in particular when she mentioned something about one of her single friends trying to get her to go to a singles night at some bar. I made a point of saying how if she wants to date what are we doing. She has said to me repeatedly that until she clears up whatever she has in her divorce she has no room for any man to get close to her. She has used this to push me away. And truth be told I feel like it's a good point. I don't need to be more involved while she is on this emotional roller coaster. I have no illusions of what is going on. I don't want monogamy any more than she does. But I also don't want to hear about her other men. At some point very soon I want to have a discussion with her about how much time we spend together. For now it is just this 800 pound gorilla I've let into the room.
Saturday I got to relax alone more of the day and also sent my evening alone as well. Carolyn had gone to see her daughter up at college and Lisa was with her sister. I needed a day to myself so I was fine with that. I spent most of Sunday with Carolyn doing Christmas shopping. I have that mostly done now. Less than a week to go so it's about time.

Same Old Stuff

I just looking at my Checking Acct. balance and it shows all of 0.16. Yes 16 cents. There is probably more money in the "take a penny, leave a penny" plate in 7-11. Payday is Thursday and I have 8 envelopes for bills ready to mail. 3 are due be Friday and the rest are due by around the end of the month. But I think I can pay them all out of my next paycheck. Then I wait for my big check from my 401k loan. I need that to go Christmas shopping so it better get here soon. Maybe Friday or maybe Monday.
Then I can move off of my money woes and start to live like a normal person. Not that I'll start throwing my money around. But it would be nice to go out to dinner and not sweat the last days before payday. But enough of this boring crap.
Thursday I am working from home and then I am off on Friday. This is so that I can take Carolyn to see a Christmas concert in NYC on Thursday night. I'm kind of off the romance thing with her right now so I'm not as excited about going as you might expect. She plans on working on Friday. There won't be any late night extra curricular activity. I'm curious to see if she can actually have a good time as she has been really depressing lately.
I really want to see Lisa. We had a plan for Wednesday but I have this odd feeling she was put off from me being with Carolyn on Saturday. If she is I'm going to probably need to leave her out of my life for a while. She is still engaged although she keeps saying she is looking around. While my mind sees this as some kind of opportunity I think the reality is whatever her next direction is it would be better for me to stay away.
Last Sunday I was watching football in the bar and while I was there one of the bartenders (I refuse to call them "barmaids") hinted about how she could tell me stuff about Carolyn. Obviously there was talk after I'd left on Friday. I told her to let it go. I already know about what it was. Michelle is not really one who should throw stones.
It's only Tuesday. Still the beginning of the week. Always quiet. Probably not a bad thing but I which I had something better to write about. It is what it is. S-O-S.

Women!?

The weekend is over and the only good thing I have to show for it was the 2 hour workout I had at the gym yesterday morning. I saw a lot of Carolyn which is both a good thing and a bad. As I spend more time with her she grows tiresome. I was glad to not see her on Sunday while I watched football. Football, ugh. I need to talk about that.
My world the last week or so revolved around the fact that I have what I hoped would be a winner in Fantasy Football. Well, I got smoked yesterday ending my season. I won some money but I had my eye on the big prize. At least my favorite team The J-E-T-S won in a laugher. Sorry, Josie but we are coming for the Pats again in January. Do you hear the footsteps? That's enough talking smack from me.
On Friday night I left work and I had no plans so I went to the bar just to get out. Carolyn called me and she came in to meet for a drink before we decided to go out for dinner. She has never done that so it was nice to have someone come to me for a change. While there she noticed her elderly next door neighbors were there. These are people she does not get along with at all. Turns out they are Lynnie's parents. Lynnie is the main bartender. So one drink and we were gone. It figures that the people Carolyn bitches to me about are connected to me in a different way. That's a hornet's nest I'm not going to shake.
Friday night came and went and on Saturday Carolyn and I went shopping for a Christmas tree together. It was for her because as a single person I don't really do the whole decked out for Christmas thing.
While we were doing that I received a call from Lisa. She wanted to meet for lunch. Why is it she's never called me all the Saturday's I've been doing nothing and now I'm with Carolyn she's asking me to go places? When I told Carolyn she was saying I should go. What's with that? I was planning my day to be with Carolyn. I'm convinced none of these women are that into me at all.
So I blew off Lisa, sort of. I wanted to see her Sunday and she blew me off, but that's a post for another day.

Not a lot today.

I took Lisa out for dinner last night. We went to a new place that we've never been to before. I love how she enjoys a good meal. We talked about all the crappiness that is going on. She is down on her boyfriend, down on her family, down on Christmas and yet she is still fun to be with. I'm glad she said yes to dinner even if we can't be more than friends.
In the last week I've had dinner with Carolyn that included an overnight, had dinner with Janet and dinner with Lisa. I guess from some outsider point of view I'm doing pretty well. So for today I won't complain about a lack of affection.

Deep thoughts

It's just another regular day. My evening was spent last night with just me and the cat. I'm not complaining. I felt pretty comfortable just leaning back on the couch where I didn't need to do anything. I know I will need to do some Christmas shopping soon but I don't really have a plan yet so I'm not rushing it.
I was considering going to the gym tonight, but instead I asked Lisa if she would like to go get some dinner with me. So I'm missing another night but I'd much rather have conversation than work out.
A week from today I am going to see a concert in NYC with Carolyn. Even though I was excited when I got the tickets I'm feeling like it's not going to be the bonding experience I had hoped it might be. Carolyn seems so distant and shut down to me and I know it's not about me. She seems to freak out over the oddest of things. She keeps trying to warn me. Her ex has an "OJ Simpson" type violent personality. She will not allow herself to get close to anyone because of it. I try to talk to her but she is like a wall right now.
I keep thinking about Lisa. I know she is struggling right now. Life would be much better if somehow she loved me. But that doesn't seem like it can happen. We know each other too long as friends and she just doesn't have those feelings for me. When she got engaged last year I was actually looking forward to seeing her wedding. Now that doesn't look like it will happen and she is talking about being single again. I have mixed feelings about that.

Darkness

Tuesday was such a blah day. I got nothing done at work which fine since there isn't anything due until at least after New Years. I am suffering from lack of sunlight. It's dark when I go to work and it's dark when I go home. If I don't manage to get to a window at some point during the day I never see the sun. This actually happens quite often.
My mind has been drifting. Since I won the first round of playoffs I keep looking at football stats. I know I only need to fill out and lineup and that can be done in all of 5 minutes on Thursday I am taking way too much time thinking of what I should do. I have a tendency to build myself up and I need to level out so that if I lose I don't get to disappointed.
I made it into the gym last night. I have been slacking off a lot lately and seems like I can't so half of what I was able to do only a few months ago. But at least I got there.
After I finished and had a nice dinner I reached out to Carolyn. We had made a tentative plan to have dinner on Wednesday and I wanted to remind her about it. Like I said it was tentative, which of course means she is cancelling. After talking to her for a few minutes I wasn't that disappointed. Her mood right now is really dark and sad. She is surrounded by an aura of negativity right now. She started to reel them off to me and it got old really fast. I thought, "yeah, maybe sharing a dinner with her right now is not so great". I tried to push her into some more positive things but she was not letting anything go.
So after 30 minutes I found an excuse to end the call. After hanging up I decided I still want to do something on Wednesday night. I still owe Lisa a dinner so I sent her a text. She never texted back so I guess she had put her phone away. She is not in a much better place than Carolyn, but at least Lisa will work her way out of it.
Seems like every woman I know is struggling with something. Maybe it's a lack of sunlight for everyone.

Winning

As in Fantasy Football. It was the first round of the playoffs and I finished the season on a 3 game losing streak. So I had gone from 7-2 to 7-5 and barely missed getting a bye. At one point Sunday I was behind 100 to 30. When I saw that I figured my streak would be 4 and I'd be done. My most promising season would come to an abrupt end.
But Matthew Stafford threw for over 400 yards, New Orleans defense played well, my coach won and I got TD's from 2 others. So by the time Sunday was over it was 103 to 96. And I still had a running back, Mathews (SD) and kicker, Scobee (JAC) left and my opponent just had his kicker, Novak (SD). My bench kicker Folk from the Jets, yes "my Jets" had 11 points so if I'd played the right guy I would be winning instead of losing. Still I knew if I could get a good day from a RB I could still win.
I had to sweat it out until garbage time when Mathews rumbled 21 yards into the end zone and was suddenly up 114 to 111. Yikes that is close. The rest of the game was just a bunch of three and outs so I was in. A big comeback for Team Mike.
If things could go right I may be able to replace my broken plasma TV with a new flat screen. I already have my eyes on a Sony 48 inch. But I should not get ahead of myself.

A real creepy guy.

So while I SLEPT with Carolyn there is still not much passion or intimacy. Friday night we enjoyed a fun time of live music and dancing. It ended really late and while in the car Carolyn suggested that I could stay over rather than drive home. In her bed. I was so tired I literally fell asleep within seconds. There was no sex.
I am starting to wonder if she just can't get close to anyone. There are so many factors that she hides behind. Yesterday I got a full dose of how much she lives in fear.
It was a nice day yesterday for NY in December. I came over to help with the Christmas lights. There were only 2 strands so it didn't take long. So we decided to grab a bottle of wine and headed to the beach to go for a walk along the sand. We know of a nice secluded spot that has a pond and a nice view. We were enjoying a peaceful quiet moment when off in the distance we saw a man walking a dog. When he was within 100 yards of us Carolyn recognized him as one of her creepiest neighbors. She was pretty much freaking out.
I figured he would say hello and keep on walking. I should have reacted better as he just latched on to us. Next thing I know we are talking to him and it's starting to get dark and I realized he is not just creepy, but really gay. It was something he said about having no boyfriend. We head back to the car and he is with us talking a blue streak the whole way. In her own quiet way Carolyn is terrified. She told me later she wouldn't have been surprised if her was carrying a gun or a knife. She was sure he followed us from her street. I tried to reassure her that wasn't possible since we drove the car and he walked and there could be no way he knew where we were going since we only decided seconds before we left. But she was convinced.
Carolyn told me this guy has a history of stalking her and her kids, but she had no idea he was gay. I picked up on it immediately. Carolyn is so fearful she assumed everyone is being paid by her ex to do her harm. She even thinks he wants to pay someone to murder her. While I do believe she is over-reacting, I also believe there is some validity to what she says.
So we walked back and once inside the car she told me how afraid she was. We were so alone and anything could have gone down. My reality is much different than hers. I didn't like that this stranger just horned himself into our moment.
These are the things that make me want to maintain some distance for Carolyn. It's very hard to tell what is real and what is paranoia. I can protect her but I'm not sure I want that long term. The idea of spending each night looking in the closet or under the bed for an assassin is not how I'd like to live. I also realize she probably won't ever feel safe.
I guess I'll keep going slow and not hope for much. One of the things I know from all my prior relationships is love usually blooms quickly and this is not happening. But still I have enjoyed her company and I still would like something more. I will need to keep my options open.

Fooling around

Still no sex but I spent the night with Carolyn. When she suggested that we could share the bed I went for it. I was at her house and it was very late. There was a lot of wine involved so it wasn't a big night of passion but it was something. This morning we shared a nice breakfast and that was that. I'll probably need another 48 hours to process this and write about things properly.

Something's Gotta Give

My plans tonight are to take Carolyn out to hear some live music. It's really more her plan than mine and I'm not sure but I think I kind of invited myself to it. I'm being more assertive which is a good thing. We had a phone conversation last night that felt very strained. I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet but sometimes it seems like we speaking different languages. Usually I can read someone pretty well but with Carolyn I never know what to expect. She talks like her life is the black hole that will destroy me if I get sucked in. So we just keep tap dancing around things. Never touching. Never really connecting. But we spend lots of time together.
As I write this I have come to the realization that Carolyn has these walls up like no one I've ever met. She lets me in but only so far. It is as if she needs them. The enigma is that she is always dropping hints that we can do things but never wants to commit to anything more than 48 hours away. I think she is afraid of intimacy. Almost terrified. She will flirt like crazy but won't open her heart to anything substantial.
I really feel I want to make something happen tonight one way or another. I know I've probably said this more time than I can count.

Weekend Angst

I've been counting the days until my 401k loan would be paid off. This morning I go into my online account and there it is. No more loan. It's been taken from active to history. So now I can apply for a new one and get some cash. I then started modelling a new loan. See what the payments would be if I took 24 months or 36 months. Should I go for 9k or 11k. Before I could even settle on what I want I noticed something new. Apparently now before applying for a new loan there is a 10 day waiting period. So now I start a new countdown. Looks like I am now waiting until Dec. 10th. This is really going to negatively impact my Christmas shopping. I can wait.
I am having a difficult time sleeping but I'm not sure what the cause is. It's probably everything. I didn't really speak to anyone last night. I was out getting a haircut until almost 9 PM. By the time I finished dinner it was close to 10. Maybe eating so late is my problem.
I have this urge to make plans this weekend but as yet I have not gotten anything done. No one ever commits to whatever I ask. I need to be careful because this is how I end up double booked. I know I had a conversation with Janet about decorating her house for Christmas this weekend. Was it Friday night or Saturday night? Carolyn mentioned going out to see music on Friday but I don't remember if she wanted me to go or not. What really makes it rough is I can't remember if she told me where it was. I have this vague memory of something in Bayshore. It's a long ride.
I hope my Janet thing is Saturday.

Fly High

Today is the big day. I get paid today and already the entire amount is pretty much all allocated. But I anticipate my next move will be to apply for a new 401K loan which will take 5 to 7 business days. I figure to have that money in my account by next Friday. So I am holding off sending out some of my bills so I at least have some pocket money.
My first purchase was to buy tickets to a show that Carolyn is anxious to go to. The date of the show is 2 weeks from tomorrow so I won't have long to plan things. It's in NYC so I'll need to figure out where to go before and maybe even after.
I made several phone calls last night. At least one was way over due. I called Janet who I have not seen socially since the summer. We chatted for about an hour. We made plans for the weekend. As I was doing it I wasn't even sure where I thought this was going. But no one has asked me for any commitment. Freebird.
Then my next phone call was to Carolyn. We discussed the plan of going to the show. I told her I would make it happen as soon as I was in the office. Mission accomplished.
Then I had a text message from Lisa. She is so unhappy. She needs to decide what she wants. She is my oldest friend, but I've also had a crush on her for so long. She knows it. I'm moving on.
I really want to be more assertive now. I can't use the excuse of having no power. I feel that I have all my responsibilities accounted for. Now I want to put my needs out there. How that happens I'll have to wait and see.

No More Poor Me

Today might me my last day where I need to count every penny. When I get paid tomorrow I have completed paying back my 2 year loan against my 401K. I've already decided to take another loan but for a lesser amount. My plan is to pay off every other debt I have. There is $2000 I owe my brother and $2000 I have on my Visa. Then I want to make sure I have my boat covered for the next year. Maybe another $3500. My math says I can take a loan and make payments and still clear about $600 more a month that I have been the last 2 years.
I'm really only putting this into the blog because I'm wondering if this will change my life. For as long as I remember I've felt fairly powerless. My situation got so bad I felt like I needed to hold back from everything. I guess there was a time when I was doing all the things I wanted to do and couldn't really afford. I would even give things away to people who I thought really cared about me. I'm never gong to be wealthy but I should be able to enjoy the things other people get to enjoy. A trip every year, going out to dinner and paying the check. How about being able to pay my bills as soon as they arrive and not counting down until payday.
It is my goal that I can be this way and not ask for more than that. I also think - and I hate that this may even be true - but I think if I can feel like I can take a woman out and pay for it that I will feel like "the man". I believe this empowerment will generate an attractiveness that has been missing for a long time.

One day down and one day up.

What a crazy weekend I had. In the 4 days that I had off there was like a pendulum swinging back and forth, from great to terrible. Things start off pretty bad as I had work issues that pretty much ruined my chance to leave early on Wednesday, then Tigger goes AWOL for more than a day from Wednesday until almost midnight Thursday. There was also Carolyn calling me to tell me her daughter's car was leaking oil in the driveway. Not really leaking as much as pouring out of it. That seemed like it would be pretty bad and when she looked for me to help I wasn't confident that this would end well at all.
So Wednesday night was about as bad as bad can be. Then by Friday everything got resolved. Tigger was home and I had arranged for Carolyn's car to get fixed and it turned out to be a relatively minor repair that was completed by noon. Even the broken clothes dryer at Carolyn's that had been broken for almost a month was repaired.
Late Friday I went to Carolyn's and finished raking the leaves in her yard. There are about 50 bags in front of her house. I considered spending Friday night with her but I'd made plans to see a show with Lisa. In a really strange twist it is Lisa's fiance Carmine that fixed the car. It was Lisa who got the tickets to see a comedian (Jim Bruer for SNL) and I assumed he was coming along with Lisa's sister and brother-in-law. But Lisa said it wasn't his scene, what ever that means.
Okay, strap in because the ride gets a little bumpy here. Lisa no sooner gets in the car when she tells me she wants out of her life with Carmine. I've always been attracted to Lisa but it's never amounted to anything so I just let her tell me about what is bothering her. But we both wanted to have a good time so she just kind of said it's a struggle with someone like Carmine and then changed the subject. I was fine with that. On to the show. Turns out she didn't want Carmine going at all. The show was great. On the way out Lisa actually hooked her arm in mine, which was difficult for me to distinguish as a friendly gesture or an urge to get close. For the sake of my sanity I assumed it was friendly.
With that I dropped her at home where she and Carmine live together. I figured they would work things out and I had plans for Saturday with Carolyn. She wanted to go fishing of all things. While my boat is pretty much closed up for winter, I am storing it in the water so I could have it ready to go in just a few minutes. It was such a warm day we were out on the water until sunset. Having some alone time with Carolyn both Wednesday night and again on Saturday I started to ask her about where we are going. I was pretty much throwing myself at her. All I get back from her is how her life is so messed up she can't risk being with anyone. At this time all I want to do is kiss her, but she will have none of it. Without getting too into it, her pending divorce is about as insane as I've ever seen. Her whole life is lawyers, and court appearances. She is always thinking she is being watched. It's not paranoia as I am pretty sure her ex-husband has hired a private investigator that watches her.
So we talk and talk. I've explained to her that these things don't matter to me as I run the same risk either as a friend or more than a friend. But she's not ready. So we end the night Saturday going for drinks and dancing a little and I give her a kiss goodnight smack on her lips, but no tongues. Never going anywhere.
I awake on Sunday morning alone like always. My cell phone chirps with a text message but I'm not getting up for it for at least an hour. It was Lisa. She wanted to come by but I had some errands to do. The boat was not ready for cold weather so i needed to get that done but I said I'd be home by about 2. I had considered going to watch the football game at the bar. I suggested I stop by her house but Lisa said she wanted to see me at my house. Lisa loves to just relax in her living room on a Sunday so something was up.
Lisa comes in and I offer her some wine. I was engrossed by the football game. Then her cell phone rings and she took it outside. Odd I think. So when she returned I asked what was up ... I kind of knew what was coming. "He doesn't love me" blah blah blah. So I turn off the TV and I listen. I tell her how it isn't her and that he has intimacy issues and anything else I could think of. She said she needs to move out but she has no money. Now I have an extra room in my house that I use as an office, so I said to her she could move in and have that for as long as she needs it. I told her she could move and and save some money. I have no idea how that would even work. But it did make her feel stronger. I told her about how my relationship with Carolyn is. No one has it all figured out.
Two bottles later she told me she hasn't given up on Carmine yet. But it's coming. She left for home at 6 and I spent the rest of the night wondering how this will play out. I feel like I am about to turn a corner but which direction is still not clear to me.

Lost Cat on Thanksgiving

I had quite a rollercoaster ride for my Thanksgiving. Things started to go very bad at work on Wednesday. I had expected an easy quiet day. But then I got involved with a production support issue that forced me to work late. And I had planned to leave early. Oh, well. I've always looked these things as part of the job.
So I had a tentative plan to see Carolyn and since I got home so late I wasn't sure what to expect. But I got home fed my cat Tigger and as part of his usual routine I let him outside and figured he would be back inside in 20 minutes and then I would go. After 20 minutes I went outside to find him and he was no where to be found. This is not that unusual and I figured he would just take his sweet time coming home. It was a little cold so I figured he would be home within an hour tops. Well, long story short he did not come home at all. As I grew more concerned I wouldn't leave. So Carolyn agreed to come to me and cook dinner at my house. So we ate and waited. I kept going outside and looking for him. I was feeling like something really bad had happened.
I went to bed with him still not home. I had a restless night and got up several times to see if he was at the door. When I needed to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner I was almost not going to go. But I just couldn't sit at home any more. I returned home several time to check and by the time I was done for the day I decided to create a "LOST CAT" poster to circulate. By this time I had pretty much convinced myself he was gone for good. I spent more than an hour working on it and before going to be I put one up on my front door figuring if someone had seen him they might knock on my door.
I taped it up and then stood on the sidewalk to see if the print was big enough. As I was out near the street I suddenly heard a cat noise. I listened and didn't hear anything for about 30 seconds. Then I heard it again. It sounded a bit muffled and I thought he was inside another persons house. I crossed the street and called his name. He called back and that was when I realized he was locked inside a parking lot just across the main road. It's a car dealership lot full of brand new Range Rovers. The fence has barbed wire so I was not anxious to go over it. As I kept calling him I could hear him coming closer bit I couldn't see him through the vinyl fence. I kept calling his name and moving along the fence looking for an opening. Sure enough I found a spot in the fence wide enough for Tigger to fit through. I still hadn't seen him so I was even sure if it was him until I saw him poke his head through the hole. What a relief to finally have him again. I don't mind telling you I got a little emotional when I got him home.

Is there such a thing as Thanksgiving Eve?

Even though I have no specific agenda I feel the urge to post something today. I'm in the office and not many other people are in so it's fairly quiet. I have some hope to make an early exit at about 3 PM. There is a 3:27 train and I want to be on that one.
When I get home I have a tentative plan to go see Lisa as she and her sister Ellen prepare their Thanksgiving. I'll need to buy a pie so I should do that as well. Then I might see Carolyn although once again there is no commitment. I need to start assuming it's a lock but I can't quite ever be sure. The last option is I can always stop down at the bar and say hello to that crowd. I'm sure I'll see Coleen there and she will insist that I stop at her house before I go to my sister's on Thursday. It's stupid that I still want to see her. I already told her it was going to be a busy day. If I don't go I will miss her.
With that my weekend begins. The rest of the weekend is probably going to be casually planned. I may try and do something constructive but we will have to wait and see. I'm sure if a friend says let's do something I'll go along.
Somewhat off topic, I got a distressed phone call yesterday from my not-that-close of a friend Loni. I know her because she has been cutting my hair for longer than I can imagine. She called because she is in a financial bind. I told her I am pretty much tapped out but that if it was something that could be pushed off a few weeks I was about to turn the corner on my money situation and I might be able to help then. She must be pretty desperate as she agreed that should could make that work. It would amount to a substantial loan. It would be money that I would be holding on to for my spring launch for the boat. It would be a big problem if she can't pay me back. Still I think I will help her out as she was very much there for me years ago when it seemed no one else would. Hopefully there is some karmic force that will make this work out.

Fear and Loathing in the Frozen Food Aisle

I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me at the grocery store last night. I'm not sure what came over me.
I touched base with Carolyn via email during the day and she mentioned she would be getting her Thanksgiving shopping done after work. She was making a trip to BJ's box store then the grocery store. I needed to get my allergy shots and the grocery store is on the way so I told her I could meet her there and maybe we could get dinner afterwards. It worked out that I was there about 20 minutes ahead of her. So i grabbed a cart and started working my way through the aisles.
Some days I go the the store, I walk down putting things into my cart and I have no trouble at all. This was not one of those days. It seems like all the stupid people were shopping at the same time. Between the people why basically block the entire aisle searching the shelves for the one item they need while oblivious to the 4 or 5 people standing trying to just get by. And then there are the Nascar shoppers who come careening around the store like the last item on the shelf is about to disappear. There were all there. Since Carolyn wasn't even there I knew I could take my time, but all that did was allow me to just stand and watch how badly behaved people can be. That is until I became one of the bad people.
Typically I shop the ice cream last. Makes sense since I don't want it to melt, right. I know it's not hot out and it's not really a problem in November, but it's a routine. So I place my cart out of the way and start looking for my favorite flavor ... chocolate-chip cookie dough. I can't find it. Normally when I don't find my favorite I would just grab a vanilla/chocolate/strawberry combo which I did do. But since Carolyn still had about a third of the store left I had plenty of time to search. So I'm looking at the case digging past the other flavors like fudge ripple and banana split and I decide since it seemed like there was no cookie dough I started hunting for black cherry. While doing that this 30-ish woman starts looking as well. Then out of the corner of my eye I see she uncovered a cookie dough. She didn't seem to want it and I just went "ooh" and reached for it. She just exclaimed "oh my God", and started to run away. I just said "oh, did you want this", and started to hand her over the ice cream. She just said no she didn't but she'd never seen anyone do that before. I guess I was that bad. I felt really small. What may have made it worse is she was cute and was wearing a Block Island sweatshirt, one of my favorite places. I had this picture in my head of me chasing her around the store saying "here, take this ice cream". Like I'm some kind of crazy person.
At that I was done shopping. I really needed to get out of there. Carolyn was almost done so I headed for the checkout line. Carolyn was actually still 10 minutes behind me so I had to wait at the front of the store while she finished. Never saw the woman again, thank God.
We had a nice dinner and I told her the ice cream story. All she had to say was we needed to order quick so that ice cream wouldn't thaw in the car. Yeah, that would be bad if I never even eat the ice cream.

What am I doing?

I am struggling with communication issues right now. I stayed in on Friday, sort of. If you read my last post I indicated that I had asked Carolyn what she had planned. Her answer as always was vague and I had no idea whether she wanted to include me or not. So when I hadn't heard from her by 6:30 I went ahead and heated up some leftovers I had saved in the fridge. Well, sure enough right as I finished washing dishes she calls. I told her I ate already and her reaction was that I was a creature of habit. Well, yeah, I get home from work and I'm hungry I'm going to eat. I told her I'd like to go hear some music not far from where she lived. She AGAIN would not give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she just wanted to stay in. I go all the way over there and call her up and she says she is cleaning the house and won't be going out. I suggested I could come there but she shut me down there too. I didn't want to just sit alone in a bar so from there I turned it back around and was home.
It wasn't such a bad thing since I was able to get myself up early and get into the gym for a workout. After that I called her up... or did she call me? I forget. I went to her house and we spent most of the afternoon raking a ton of leaves in her yard. I also climbed on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. They were a mess. After finishing the yard we relaxed with a glass of wine. Then Carolyn told me she had evening plans with some friends (no male friends) so I figured I would call it a day by five. I was beat anyway.
On the way home I stopped at the bar and had a couple more glasses of wine. Nothing big, but I did get to see Coleen there with her boyfriend. She gave me a big hello but I wasn't in the mood to go chitchat with her while she is on a date. It did seem like she was staring my way a lot. She probably really wasn't but I'll just have my little fantasy and leave it at that.
Saturday I had planned to move my boat from it's summer spot to it's winter slip in the marina but I convinced myself it was too windy. I told Carolyn that if we can get all the leaves done I would expect her to come and help me with the boat on Sunday. We didn't even come close. I figured if she was going to finish the yard work on Sunday I shouldn't even consider asking her for help. My bro-in-law Kenny helped me instead. That got done and by one o'clock we were watching the football game.
Fast forward to 10 PM. I'm home on the couch and my phone rings and it's Carolyn. She was passing by on the way home and though she could stop in. Sure I'll open a bottle of wine. Her first question was why didn't I call her for help with the boat. Again I feel like I mis-communicated somewhere. I can't quite figure out from one day to the next whether I should consider making her part of what I do. I keep holding back because when we are together I get nothing from her that says she really wants to change our dynamic. But then I'm sitting with her on my couch on a Sunday night. Didn't see that coming at all.
But I still sent her home last night without anything changing. And now I think it's me that is hesitating.

Where am I going, Where have I been

Coming to the end of another work week. I'm not sure about how this weekend will play out. I have been getting myself out there a little more since I now have a little cash to play around with.
Wednesday night I enjoyed a dinner with Carolyn and that was fine but last night I found myself wandering into the bar in hopes of saying hello to Coleen. Of course she was there because she is always there. Mostly I was wondering if she and her boyfriend were still on the rocks. They aren't. Whatever was wrong two weeks ago they seemed to have patched up. So I broke her chops a little about how she hasn't called me in 2 weeks.
So naturally when she suggested I stop at her house Thanksgiving morning I sort of said "what for?"
She said "You always stop in on Thanksgiving". Really? Maybe I need to look that up. I do recall going there last year. I'm still kicking myself for doing that. Then why am I even looking to talk to her at the bar? Because stupid is what stupid does.
Last thing she says is I should call her. I know I shouldn't but we will see. If I'm lucky something else will grab my attention.
Which is why I sent a message to Carolyn to see if we could get together later. Her response was typically ambiguous. She said she needs to stop somewhere after work but maybe after that. What does that mean? 6:30, 7:30, 8:30 or 9:30 ... I don't know.
with that I'll be heading home in a few wondering if I'll even get out the door tonight.

Dinner together but breakfast alone

I cooked dinner for Carolyn last night. I tried really hard to make everything just right and for the most part it was an enjoyable evening. not very romantic though. I think if I want to it will have to come from somewhere else. I don't want to spin this wrong, but Carolyn just has too much darkness in her life to be open to anything. There is so much tension there it feels like I'll never break through. Maybe there is a little bit of me that doesn't really want to as well.
Carolyn arrives and I've got dinner in the oven and salad made so we can just sit on the couch for 30 minutes and relax. But as soon as she sits down she starts talking about lawyers, and hearings and how she is getting screwed by the judge. So right away I'm talking her off the ledge so she doesn't jump. I mean that metaphorically. For the most part I succeeded as by the time dinner was ready the conversation had become less tense and I could feel a little more relaxed.
During dinner we talked about how she misses having family dinners. Her daughter has been away at school and her son pretty much just eats and runs and lately he has been eating before Carolyn gets home. So we talked about making dinner more of a regular event, which she was more than a little evasive about and before I could get more into that her cell phone rings.
Her 14 year-old has a therapist/psychologist/shrink. It was her on the phone. I figured she needed a little privacy so I cleared the table and did the dishes while she went into the living room. That took about 5 or 10 minutes. When I joined her on the couch she was still talking and also crying. It must have been a stressful conversation. I know they were talking about Carolyn's ex-husband and how her son refuses to talk to the dad. I don't really want to get involved but the level of tension was through the roof. As she was getting upset on the phone I made a move just to hold her hand. I figured she might be reassured by that. Nope. Just kind of pulled away.
At some point she did end her conversation with the shrink and we talked about that for a long time. Not really the most romantic conversation. Things lighted up a little but so much darkness and tension to be honest it was a relief when at 9:30 she said she needed to get home. After she left it took a glass and a half of wine before my mood became more normal.
I don't know what it is about me. Some men would push all the bad stuff aside but I just can't.

Big Dinner Coming

Struggling with allergies again. Bad day for this since I'm planning to have Carolyn come for dinner tonight. Hopefully at some point the pill I took this morning will kick in and I can put the kleenex away. I can only imagine how big a turn-off it must be to sit and watch me wheeze and sneeze.
I decided to make my homemade baked ziti. I spent 2 hours last night doing the prep work and there is now a pan in my refrigerator that is ready for the oven. Just need to pre-heat the oven then cook for 45 minutes and viola! dinner. It is a work day so I don't expect it to be a late night but I'm certainly open to anything. I haven't gotten a woman into my bed since April. I should be happy just to have someone to spend the evening with.
So I have wine and cheese, dinner ready for the oven, music is picked out and I even have my cleaning lady there today so all should look nice.

Planning a dinner

Being late, not getting enough sleep and having a new blade in my razor can be a very bad combination. I gave myself a nice cut this morning that looks worse than it is. These things usually heal in a day. The reason I didn't sleep was because my phone rang at about 2 AM with a support call from Operations at work. Worse yet is was a problem the resulted from my change. So I looked at it and realized I could resolve it when I come in and sent them instructions and went back to bed. But by then I was fully awake. It probably took 45 more minutes before I finally relaxed enough to sleep again. Needless to say I'm somewhat exhausted today.
I made a call to Carolyn last night. Once again she is just a ball of stress. This time it's her daughter Monica that is making her crazy. Monica is away at school in New Paltz and Carolyn found out yesterday that Monica has a 104 degree fever. She went to the campus medical facility and they recommended she go to the hospital, which she refused to do. Instead she went back to her dorm room and went to bed, which I figure is probably the best thing. I'm sure she was out like a light, so when Carolyn couldn't get a hold of her she reached out to the police who went to the school to make sure she wasn't comatose. In my eyes she was over-reacting, but since I have no kids I can't really say I have her perspective. Carolyn was all set to go up there and bring her home. All I could do is listen. I think maybe she needs that.
Before ending our conversation I suggested she come to my house for dinner on Wednesday night. She said yes. In all time we've spent together the last 6 months or so Carolyn has never seen my house. I was about to stop asking and just was starting to assume she was never going to be that interested. So I was a little surprised that she said okay. Now I need to start thinking about what to cook. I know I shouldn't over think this. Carolyn would be happy as long as we have some wine and cheese.

Tide and Time wait for no man

I've got a few minutes. That's plenty of time for what my life is right now. There is always a change I get on a pretty good rant and then this gets out of control. When I wake up tomorrow morning I'll have money again. I made it through the weekend with only having to do a few things. I had to get cat litter. If you have owned a cat then you know that is not something you should ever run out of. And now that Tigger is getting older it seems he uses it more. And it seems much more smelly now than it used to be. Poor guy, it sucks to get old. He's not so old her can't catch the occasional rodent. He brought home what I think was a mole, although it was so chewed up I may have been a mouse. Yuck. It's the second one since spring.
I managed to make it to today with the same $5 bill that I had last Monday. My Visa has all on $5 left on the credit line. My checking balance still has $69 but there is a $60 debit still pending so really there is less than $10.
Tomorrow I get paid and from that I will immediately pay my mortgage, and Visa. That's about $1000. Then $50 for the cleaning lady. Another $140 for car insurance. $10 for the gym membership. I think I'll have about $500 left. And then there will only be just one last payment on my loan. On December 2nd I will be free to take another loan. I'll need to do the math on that and see if it works.
With all those money issues hanging over me I didn't get out at all over the weekend. I tried to call Carolyn but never got a return call. I'm fine with that. Couldn't do anything with her anyway. I got my boat all winterized. I only need to secure it into a winter spot in the marina. Basically I just move to a slip that is a little more protected. Next weekend or Thanksgiving, still not sure.

BINARY DAY 11-11-11

Finally Friday. Not sure what I'm rejoicing for. Not expecting much of a weekend. I have a hard time getting to sleep last night. I made the mistake of having a glass of soda after 9 PM and I'm sure the caffeine was what did it. Then I got up late this morning and now I'm starting my day about 45 minutes later than usual.
I have been finding myself really annoyed at work this week. I'm thinking the managers have no idea where they are taking us as an organization. The Director was hired because he was supposed to be an Electronic Data expert but all he has done for the last month is micro manage us to a point that no one knows what he wants. And now he has mandated that we create all new partner profiles but has not solid reason for it. It's insane and I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut which I know will cost me. I'm working on that.
I called Carolyn last night and had a somewhat uncomfortable conversation. She told me a little about her adverturous work week. Apparently her boss - the owner of the company - has been having a fling with a woman he met in Florida and while he is not married he does have a committed relationship so he has to sneak around. Carolyn gave all the sorted details about that. I found it diffecult to pay attention. I can't explain it but it's such a struggle talking to her. I seem to run out of things to say within a minute or two and it always feels like I abruptly end the conversation. I couldn't make plans although when I made a suggestion or two Carolyn was just not committing to anything. Not even a maybe. But not a "no I'm busy" either. When I hung up with her I said I would call her after work today but for the life of me I can't think of why. i think i just wanted to get off the phone. This is not good. I wonder if i can talk about this.
So there is no plan tonight. I'm not financially able to do much of anything. If Carolyn agrees to just relax near home I'll see her otherwise it will be just me and the cat this weekend. I need to move things around in storage so I'll be plenty busy.
One more day closer to money. PAYDAY IS 5 DAYS AWAY.

A lot about nothing

Got nothing today. I'm just 1 day closed to getting paid. The countdown is not T minus 6 days and counting. There is a weekend between then and now so I'll be spending my time this weekend doing little to nothing. I did spend $20 last night on groceries. I needed stuff to make for lunch as there is no way I'm not getting lunch. I put it on the charge card, which still has about $35 left before hitting the max. So here are my numbers ... a $5 bill in my pocket, a balance of less than $10 on checking and a Visa with less than $40. On the plus side my utilities, cable, phone and insurance bills are up to date. The winter fee for boat storage is covered until December. My next big bill is my $800+ mortgage on the 15th.
There are things I'd like to buy but nothing I need to buy so all in all I'm about okay. My dilemma is that Carolyn is back from her trip and my guess is she will want me to come around and do something. I'll either beg off or confess my broke-ness. She is fairly understanding and we aren't getting romantic so there is little point to me being evasive. It's just the shame factor that makes it tough. Not a lot of pride left for a man when too broke to even buy coffee.
I made a stop at my sister's last night since she has been giving me a hard time about not coming around more. I get there and her driveway is full of cars. Obviously she was having company. So I never went in. I guess I will try again later this week.
I made through 2 days without hearing from Coleen. I'm tempted to reach out to her but I'm afraid to start falling into the old routine where I see her but she sees me only as an alternative. There is something going on but I'm not anxious to be a part of that. But the CMA's are on TV tonight so I may just see if she is watching. I really need to not like her so much but it really is hard.

And now for something different

This is somewhat off topic from my usual blog posts but what the heck, it's my blog and I can do what I want. I'm probably going to jinx it but I've somehow managed to be in first place in my fantasy football league. After last year's last place finish I was considering why I was still involved. I have a tendency to latch on to players that are about over the hill. For some reason this year I've been rolling nothing but sevens, so to speak. After 9 weeks I am 7 and 2. There are only 4 weeks to go and while there are a lot of teams at 6 and 3 there is only one other team tied with me.
My QB is the DET guy Matt Stafford and since he had last week off I needed to pick up someone. My draft got so messed up I didn't have a back up that was playing. I started the season with Carson Palmer, got nervous and dropped him for Jon Beck. Since neither one was playing I dropped Beck when Chad Henne got hurt and took a flyer on Matt Moore. I considered dropping him to Tim Tebow but decided to ride it out. And what does Moore do last Sunday but have the game of his life. 3 TDs and no INTs. I needed a kicker and saw Nick Folk out there for the Jets and snapped him up. He goes to Buffalo and kicks a 50 and 40 something yard FG and gets me 10 points. And I end up winning by 5 so I needed every point. It's crazy but all my moves so far have worked out.
I'm already looking toward next weeks match. The guy I play has a team loaded with Dallas. He has the Dallas coach, defense, kicker and quarterback (Romo). Dallas plays Buffalo and he also has the top Buffalo runningback (Jackson). So it looks like my fate will depend almost on just one game. I need Buffalo to win but not so much that Jackson scores a lot. Of course if my guys score it won't matter what happens.
Not much else going on. My money situation is still bad. $5 in my pocket and less than $10 in my account. My Visa still has a few $$ so I'm close to the edge but not over it. Payday is next Tuesday and there are no bills due until after that. Just will need to be a quiet weekend. I don't want to borrow any money. I still have December 10 targeted for getting money from 401k. Then maybe life can ease up on me.

Things happen ....

When I least expect it. On Saturday I got a text message from Coleen. For some strange reason I'd been thinking about her a lot lately. I'd been missing her. I know she was now involved with this guy Tommy and last I'd heard she was about half moved in with him so I had tried to put her out of my mind and felt like I had been fairly successful. I had been spending a lot of time with Carolyn so it has been easy to not think about Coleen.
But for some strange reason I found myself in the bar on Friday night half hoping she would be there. She was not. So I just chalked it up to her no longer being around and that I was probably better off.
Saturday morning I decided I needed to make it into the gym. I called Lisa up because I just needed someone to push me to go. But she had met her sister at the gym on Friday. So I gave myself a pep talk and went to the gym. My allergies are still really bad so it was a very difficult work out. In fact I pretty much quit half was through. I grab my stuff and head for the car and before pulling out I noticed my phone has a text message. It was Coleen saying "hey stranger". In was only from a minute before. Would that be "kismet"?
I call her up and she says she had been having an urge for Indian food for lunch and would I like to go. She wanted to drive so she picked me up and we spent the afternoon together, as friends like we have always been. I had no idea why suddenly she was available until much later. At about dinner time she said she was going to make her parents dinner and we should go out on Sunday and watch football. I was not sure but said I would let her know Sunday. I was becoming suspicious as to why she wasn't hanging out with her boyfriend and I even asked about it. She said her was working but he can't be working around the clock. But I just let it go.
On Sunday she sent me a text asking me to come out for the game and I felt like it would be fun. So I met her at the bar. She invited me to dinner and that was she said she was moving her stuff out of Tommy's house as she wasn't planning to spend any time there. Immediately I realized why she was around.
They must have had a fight. I don't want to play this out. It always ends badly for me. It not like I don't know what I'm doing. I just shouldn't get my hopes up. I know she just wants me around until either she makes it up with Tommy or she finds her next thing. I'll never be the "It" guy.
I wish I could handle these things better. Carolyn is away and I made a promise to check on things at her house. I should probably focus on that.

Allergy Blues.

I have been suffering from my allergies for way too long now. My allergist warned me a few months ago that I was not getting my shots as often as I should. There is an assortment of reasons as to why I had been going about every 2 months or so. First it is money, it costs $25 each time I go and while at the moment it doesn't seem like much it usually ends up a problem when I'm making choices between gas or food or allergy shot. Seems like the shot always goes to the bottom of my priority list. Then there is the fact that since I'd moved a year and a half ago I am now a full 45 minutes from the Doctor's office. I've made inquiries to find an Allergist closer but the only day available is Thursday and I need an appointment and I keep forgetting.
Since I hadn't shown any symtoms I kept blowing things off but now I've been stuffed up since I've been back from florida and I wasn't doing so great before I left for vacation. I know it's my own cat doing it to me but I can't blame Tigger. It's not like he wants me to be allergic. So even though I got my shots on Monday I'm getting worse every day. I've started to double dose the Zyrtec by taking one at night and another in the morning. It has had little or no effect.
My only real hope is that by December I'll be able to cash out some 401k money and be able to afford the additional expense. You see, before I purchased my Co-op I took a 2 year note against the 401k and it now has just one more month left. That is $800 a month. I figure to bang out another 2-year loan for $9000. I calculated my payments to be about $400 monthly. So I can increase my income a little less but I can take the money and pay off everything and maybe have some extra for whatever rainy day I might see. Right now I owe my brother Brian $2000, my dentist $140, and my winter storage for the boat is another $800. And I would love to rid myself of my $2000 Visa debt. I can do all that and still have $4000. I have December 10th circled on my calendar.

Not Complaining but

I just got paid and already I'm down to less than $100 until November 15th. And it's only November 1. All the bills are out until then so it's not as if I'm in any real trouble but it's anther pay period where I need to watch every cent. I bought all the groceries I'll need as well so I'm not starving. But I doubt I'll be taking anyone out to dinner for the next 2 weeks. Thank God I at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. You see I have this loan payment to my 401k that is sucking $800 a month out of my paycheck that is all done after December 1. Then i have a decision to make as to whether I take another loan and pay off my Visa bill and get rid of several other debts - I know I want to pay my brother Brian the $2000 I owe. I wish I could leave it be and just take the extra $800 a month towards that but I am not sure if I should leave ot there for him. I would alos like to just dispose of the Visa bill and also leave myself with a little extra cash.
All of this has me toning down what little social life I still have left. Less to write in the blog I guess. I relative sure no one wants to read about this stuff, I mean I don't even want to read it. It feels like I've lived my whole life this way. Never having more than a few dollars in my pocket. Thing is when I do have a little more pocket money I end up in a bad place. That's what may have led to my problems in the spring of 2009. That was when I needed to give up alcohol from May to August. You can go back and read alla about it.

I will walk this path alone.

My posts have become fewer and fewer. That's because I've about given up. I mean here I am 55 years old and I write about stuff a high school kid would probably laugh at. For what ever reason i am unable to make anything happen in a meaningful way. I lack the ability to get what I want and while I know it is basically my own doing I just can't seem to get past this. As time goes on I feel it is less important.
This is not the end of my blog but I am not sure if I will be a regular poster any more. Right now I am pursuing nothing. Coleen, remember Coleen? I have not heard from her in weeks and I hardly even think about how hung up on her I once was. Janet? Not really talking to her either. She doesn't call me and I'm fine with that. Lisa? She keeps saying she wants to leave Carmine, but why she tells me I don't understand. I told her she should sleep with me. Since then she hasn't really seen me. We still text a few times a week.
So that just leaves Carolyn. I took her out last Friday night and at the end of the night I tried to kiss her. Just not happening. She won't. I'm ready to walk.
So I feel very much like I want no one to be close to me. I am not what they are looking for. They are not what I am looking for. Friends I have. I want someone to share my life with. Unless I see that about to happen I may just walk my own path for a while.
So I may not add a new item here or I may find myself back with new thoughts tomorrow. We will see. But this is my here and now. Still dealing with a single day at a time.

I need a compass

Another week has gone by and it's all drama and as always not in a good way. I've been in Florida at my mom's house since last Saturday. My mom left to visit some of her friends up north and I am here alone taking care of her dogs. While I love the dogs there isn't much here to do. I feel very inti-social but it's also pretty unexciting. Meanwhile I get all these bitch calls from people. Lisa wants my sister to look in on Tigger so she is only going there when I tell her no one else will go. And my sister is bitching about how I am never there unless I need something. And what's worse is they are right as I have not been doing much visiting lately.
Then there is Carolyn. She has been in court this week still fighting over the scraps of her marriage. This is the longest divorce in history. We talk and she gives me bits and pieces of what is going on. She doesn't really want to tell me much. I'm sure there are many things she does not tell me. I expect that. I just get a sense she will never ever let go of how she feels persecuted. I'm sure there is a lot of that but at some point you need to find a compromise and begin the process of moving on.
This is why I am staying in a holding pattern. Honestly I have considered if this is going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like she is ready then other times it feels like she is never getting off the pot. She might be broke and looking for a new place to live with her son, daughter, 4 cats and an assortment of other pets ... turtle, bird and some fish. I'm sure she would love someone to swoop in and save her from this mess but I don't see it being me. It would be a mistake.
So I am sitting alone in Florida wondering what my next direction will be,

Older but no wiser

I took Carolyn out to dinner last night. It was a good meal. And that is all it was. My mind is just not right for more that that. I wanted to ask her something about if there can be more for us but I just left it unsaid.
Prior to dinner I went to get my haircut and got some advice from Loni. She seems to think I need to step up and demand to have sex. She makes is so simple and uncomplicated. Then I sit and listen to Carolyn and my ability to make it happen just shuts off.
After dinner we said good night and I sensed a strange moment where Carolyn held me tight but I move in for the kiss and get nothing. To be honest I was tired and just was ready for home. When did a good night's sleep become more important than sex? Is that bad? Am I just accepting what I get? The older I get the less I know.

Pictures and I'm not in any of them

Lisa and Ellen - sisters.

I was at the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. I saw lots and lots of people there, including Coleen and her guy Tommy. I just snapped a picture for the hell of ot. I had a short conversation with her but I've been over that for about a year now.

Carolyn did call me but she wasn't coming so it was another weekend where I didn't see her. We spoke a couple of times but for one reason or another we have not gotten together. Some of that is on me.

There were others there and it was fun to see some people, such as these two. That is Abby and Donna. I know them from high school.

Love is needy.

Isn't it funny how it is the shortest comment (from Josie) that says the most. She says "I'm with Jimmy". My first thought was "How does she know Jimmy?" Then I realized she was referring to what he was telling me and agreeing. I just wish I could be more secure. That being said I had several conversations with Carolyn but did not ever see her. She doesn't think I'm mad about anything. I guess we are friends. No urgency there.
I move on. I went to the annual street fair they have in the town I grew up in. I got to see lots of people I know from High School. I took some pictures which I hope to post at some point. I didn't spend any time with anyone and was home early. I am not feeling very loved today. Lucky I'll be in Florida by the weekend. I need to get away.

I think I'm an ass

So I've been laying low trying to stay within my budget. I had just pennies in my checking account after I took my last $20 out of the ATM last Sunday. After I'd stayed in Friday and Saturday I went down to the bar on Sunday and had a beer while watching some football. I managed to make it home with $10 still in my pocket. But then I went to dinner with Lisa where she paid but I left the tip. That was the end of money for me except whatever spare change I could find under the seat of the car. It's actually fine. I don't use any money at work since I bring my lunch and coffee is free. I had all the food I needed at home. I had no gas in the car but I walk to the train so I could get by with out driving.
Last night I got a call from Carolyn. I hadn't called her in over a week and she was angry about it. "What could I have done to make you mad at me?" Yikes. I guess it's better to get a reaction then nothing. I assured her it was not my intention. Well, maybe that's partially true. Mostly I figured anything I did would put me in a position where I had to explain how broke I was. But I also am feeling frustrated about how I'm always just a friend and there needs to be more than that. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get to be "the Man" again. It's easier to just stay home.
I felt obligated to make amends so tonight the plan is to take Carolyn out. We will see how that goes.
It occurs to me that perhaps I've been to passive. If she wants me around that bad I may ask for more than "just friendship". I'm not walking away but I need to know if I can look around. How to explain that is what is really hard.
Then on top of all this Lisa says she wants to see me more. And I called Janet this week and told her we would try and get together soon. And as my friend Jimmy said, "You're not banging any of them so don't get all worked up."

Lacking inspiration

I've been having a bit of a problem health wise. Nothing serious. Just dealing with allergies and a bad wisdom tooth. I keep messing up with Carolyn although I think it's more her fault than mine. Since there seems to be nothing going to happen between us I decided to take my neighbor Esther out to dinner on Saturday. I feel there is an attraction there but I must resist it because the last thing I need to have is a girlfriend who lives right next door. You might think that given my desperation I should not be so picky. I am wondering about that too but so far my I am using my best judgment. That and the opportunity hasn't really presented itself.
I've been taking some time off away from my blog entries. I don't know if that will change but for now I am uninspired. That may change but for now that's about it.

Weekend was a bust

I don't know if I did something but Carolyn kind of blew me off. Twice. Maybe three times. It's hard to tell when she doesn't really communicate. First off, it may even have been my fault.
I spoke to her on Thursday night about making a plan for Friday. I asked that she call me when she was done with work. Now I probably should have called her but then I would seem over anxious so I just tried to be patient. Well, when I didn't hear from her by 7 I just said the hell with it and started to make my dinner. While she never called me she did send a text at about 7:30. I didn't see it until after I'd finished dinner. Texted back and she was shopping. So no plan. I probably messed that up but I thought we had discussed it and she should call me. With that I just let it go. The truth be told this has about run it's course anyway.
I spent Saturday running errands and doing laundry that had piled up. I also made it into the gym, something I know I need to get back into. I kept thinking I would hear from Carolyn, but for some reason she doesn't want to see me. We exchanged text messages and all I get are one word responses. Finally on Monday I called her and she said everything was fine. So I suggested we get together on Monday afternoon. She said I should call because she needs to get her son's school stuff squared away. I called and got nothing back. Yeah, probably coming across as a needy bitch. So I'm sort of not thinking about it. I have plenty of other things to do. But I do have this "co-dependent" feeling. I kind of moped around my house way more than I should have. I never made any alternative plans like I know I should have.
This week I will try to focus on moving on and trying to reconnect with some people I haven't really been spending any time with all summer. That will be an evolving process. I may be spending a lot of time home too.

Aftermath

I managed to make it through another birthday without anyone making a fuss over me. My brother Barry came by during the day and we had lunch. I had an offer to have dinner with Carolyn but decided to eat with my sister and her family instead. Lisa called just to chat and she forgot it was my birthday. I had to remind her. Mom mailed me a card. That was pretty much it. No presents. I guess I will treat myself to something at some point. I made it through my money crisis - today I got paid. I hope I can get to the 15th a little better this time. I'm pretty sure I have no unexpected expenses coming in the next 2 weeks.
Now that the storm is over there is just the aftermath to deal with. My boat is fine and once my lights came on on Monday I was pretty well back to normal. The office closed on Monday and with no power I had the whole day open. I took my food to my sisters and got on the boat early and returned it back to it's normal state and it wasn't even lunch time. I spent a good part of the day napping and listening to the radio. Since I only had a couple of dollars and was still waiting for payday on Wednesday I figured I would just bum around all day.
The weather outside was sunny and warm so I sat outside for a while. Then at about 3 I got a call from Carolyn. She was at work and her son was home with no power. I knew there was a generator there and with nothing else to do I figured I would go over there and see if it would start. First I needed to open the garage. I managed to find the bypass to the electric door opener and get inside. Then got the generator out to the driveway with Wayne's help. I only had a vague idea how it worked but within 10 minutes it was running. Within an hour we had power to the refrigerator and freezer and had a light in the kitchen.
So I spent the rest of the afternoon with Carolyn's son Wayne playing chess ... he's good but not good enough to beat me. I was basically waiting for Carolyn to get home. Odd thing about them... they don't watch TV. Wayne likes the Internet but I haven't figured out what Carolyn does to relax. When Carolyn got home she fired up the grill and reheated some pasta. It was a nice dinner. I was there until almost 11. I was more than ready to go. To be honest I am frustrated. I was glad when I got home and found the lights were on.
Tuesday was my birthday and since no trains were running I set up to work from home. Before I'd even gotten started I got a call from Carolyn. I thought she was just calling to wish me happy birthday, but she really wanted me to come and start the generator. Apparently Wayne wouldn't do it. I got him on the phone and told him he needed to get it done. He was really getting me mad. He is a good kid but he is very hard to motivate. I thought he would just take care of it but I guess I expect too much from a 14 year-old.
Carolyn met me later so I could give her a 5 gallon gas can for the diesel. I asked her if Wayne is always like that and she says only with her. He reacts different when a man tells him something. I threw my 2 cents in if for no other reason than to get it out. I said I'm not his dad and he needs to step up more. But I dropped it from there. She is doing her best. So if you wonder why I'm not pushing to be her guy that is a big part of it. It's become apparent to me that she is a package deal and I'm not that anxious to go there.
Later I called her and she really wanted me to come by. But I wanted to go home. I just didn't want to go. She doesn't want to sleep with me and other than getting together to go out on the boat I'm becoming very uninterested. I did make a promise to take them out tonight. We will see.
With that I spent my birthday home alone. Not the first time and probably won't be the last.

Irene was a bitch

I survived Hurricane Irene intact. I am now out the other side better than I was. I walked out my front door in the morning and this is what I saw. Some branches were down and a few big trees went over but not in front of my house. You can't see it in this picture but there are some big branches and trees on the ground way down the street. The lights were out at about 2 AM and they did not come back on until late Monday night ... slightly less than 48 hours.

I moved my freezer stuff to my sister's house as she did not lose her lights at all. My house was never really a concern so I didn't spend much time worrying about it. It was the boat that was my biggest worry. I woke up early and of course there were not lights. I managed to get the radio working and learned that the hurricane was now a tropical storm and would be right over the marina right about the same time as high tide. I figured the best thing would be to park up the street and walk down the hill. It was a little scary as the wind was still howling but the rain wasn't coming down as hard. When I got to the beach there was no beach. The water was flowing right into the parking lot.

I got to the boats and I knew I needed to slack lines as the boats were being pushed up higher than the limit of the docks. I had this picture in my mind of seeing boats all half sunk and in disarray. I was relieved to see all the boats afloat. It wasn't quite high tide yet so there were still things to worry about. I had a bad feeling that I had not put out enough slack on my boat or Carolyn's boat. When I got there I could see that I was right and jumped on Carolyn's boat right away and let some line out. With that I checked my boat and that was fine. Within the hour the tide started to recede and the crisis was mostly over. I was tired and soaking wet but I felt like all my fears were unfounded.

I called Carolyn and told her all the boats were fine and she could relax. Of course her lights were out and they still are to now. I guess I can talk about that in my next post.

Waiting is the hardest part

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and overslept. I missed my train. I guess I’m a little worried about this storm coming. I have a few things to prepare that I will try to do tonight. When I get home tonight I will head down to the marina and get as much stuff down below as I can. I am planning to add some extra lines and try to get things as safe as I can.
The forecasters are driving me crazy. The NYC weather people keep saying it will go east and might cross LI in Queens. But Newsday predicts it will come ashore somewhere near Bayshore. That puts the marina right about in the middle. What ever happens will happen at about midday Sunday. High tide is at about 10:30 AM. That will be when there is the most at risk.
That will be my entire weekend. There isn't any money available until Wednesday so hopefully I don't need to do anything like gas up the car or go out for food. The plans for Saturday was to see J. Geils' Band but that's been cancelled. I'm sure come Monday I will be involved with cleaning up. There is a chance to get out for a little bit tonight. Maybe something will come of that.

Big Storm Coming

Hurricare Irene is heading this way and I expect that this weekend's activities will be impacted. My sister has tickets to a great concert on Saturday but it looks unlikely that it will happen. I recall this occurring a few years ago where we had a show get cancelled and we never had the storm but I can't remember the specifics. Maybe I can look it up in a prior entry.
I took my last $20 out of my checking account yesterday so I could buy cat litter and motor oil. I'm not sure which one I more desperately needed but I have all of $14 left until next Wednesday. Since my birthday is Tuesday that pretty much means a very subdued celebration. Maybe the storm is good since I won't feel like I'm missing much as everyone hunkers down to ride it out. I went down to the boat to check on what I need to do last night.
Just prior to midnight I got text messaged from Carolyn. She is worried about her boat but since I'd gone to check on it I told her everything was fine with her boat as well as mine. She wants to take down her canvas today. I will need to do the same but probably wait until Saturday. Storm should hit late enough that I can get it done. I am a little concerned.
Carolyn and I haven't spoken all week so I was glad to hear from her although it would have been nice to plan something. She seems to be super busy so I'll give her time and space and not worry too much about it. I think she knows how I feel and the best thing for me to do is just leave it alone.