Monday, July 30, 2012

Are these the good times?

Not too many things went right this past weekend but I've only myself to blame. But even from my mistakes I learn. First of all I couldn't get myself into the office on Friday but I was able to work from home so at least I didn't need to use up a vacation day. It all goes back to Wednesday night when I took Lisa out for dinner. We enjoyed a nice meal at a Thai food restaurant she introduced me to. But when I got home I had one more cocktail and then dragged my ass out of bed and went to work with a wicked hangover. This was Thursday and you might think I would have gotten over it by Friday morning but I had such a bad night sleep I just decided to stay home.
I consider calling in sick altogether. I knew from my last conversation with Carolyn that she would have been available on Friday for a day of boating but waking up I knew I just didn't think I could. For some reason I was holding out for Lisa. I know I need to stop doing that. So I worked from home on Friday and didn't reach out to anyone all day. It wasn't until after 6 that Lisa sent me a text asking if I was interested in going downtown to hear the live music show they have every Friday night. I said I would be there, but she said she was at her sister's and would be down later. I had the feeling she wasn't going to show and I was right. I should feel that way but I did feel a little like I'd been blown off. While I was there I saw Roberta and ended up having a drink with her. It was a pleasant one on one. I briefly saw Coleen, but after a quick hello she disappeared into the crowd. So I watched the music feeling a little alone.
I wasn't feeling like going home so when Roberta suggested doing something I went along and had one drink. I was home by 11. I considered talking to Carolyn. The last time I spoke to her she was in the middle of something and was supposed to call me back but since she never did I'd decided I wouldn't call her for a while. Her fault, not mine. I think.
On Saturday Lisa called me at about 11. She was scheduled to go for CPR training. She told me she was waiting to be picked up by one of her co-workers. I knew what that means. Pretty much every time Lisa says co-worker that means the married guy Mark. It's like her dirty little secret she hopes that no one knows about. Except she let's it slip to me every now and then. So I get to see little tells that can only mean one thing. She suddenly has gin in the house. She doesn't ever drink gin but she said she wanted a change. I know I should mind my own but sometimes I'm too smart for my own good. So when I didn't hear from her at the end of the day Saturday I could only speculate how she was spending her evening. I don't know anything for sure but if it quacks like a duck....
So anyway on Sunday I heard from my friend Chris and we enjoyed sailing for most of the afternoon. Not much wind and not much sun but it was alright. I really want to go on a short weekend trip. I feel like i want to get away.
After the boat was back at the dock I dropped into the bar for a drink. I met Coleen there along with her somewhat annoying friend Barbara. She wanted me to join them at dinner but I told her right up front I was just not up to it. Still she insisted on calling me again to see if I'd come meet them. It's rare for me to say no but I just wasn't interested.
I may have shot myself in the foot but I'm trying to distance myself from some of these women. I've pretty much looked at all the women I know and I've been pushing them all away. I just wish some one new could walk into my life but I know that's not really a solution. I even have Janet sort of waiting for me to get back to her and I've been putting it off. And she might be someone who is most pleasant to be with right now. She has reached out to me twice and I've been somewhat unreceptive. She is probably the one person I need to call back.
Early this morning I started getting texted by Lisa. Really early, like before I got to work. I felt this need to explain why I didn't call her Sunday night, even though there is no reason for us to talk. I have this urge to ask her about what is going on with her "co-worker" friend. Rule number one is: never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Not very inspired.

I'm having a bit of a down day. It's hard to put my finger on why. Some of it is that I'm still reeling from the loss of my nephew. I called my brother just to see how he was doing and he was unable to talk for more than a few seconds. He sounds like he is fine although from just a short conversation it's impossible to tell. I hoe we can have a longer talk tonight.
I was having although time at work earlier this week but yesterday I took care of what i needed by staying a little late and finishing something. I'm not feeling very motivated right now and want to take a day.
It is probably more that the Mets are in a losing streak? But that can't really set me off, right?
I guess I've been sitting around the house waiting for something to happen. I need to get moving. I guess it's time for me to reach out to friends I haven't spoken to since the funeral. I need more to happen if only so I have something more interesting to put into the blog.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Beautiful Life.

As may have already seen from my prior post I spent my Saturday out with Lisa and her sister seeing KC and the Sunshine Band at a free event. It was a fun relaxing evening. I like Lisa's sister because she and I are the same age (Lisa is 10+ years younger) and Ellen is my biggest fan. She has a husband and three adult children so her life tends to revolve around them. Ellen and Lisa a very close though so they tend to come as a package. Ellen's husband was away visiting his elderly mother so it was just the three of us.
It was tons of fun even though it was so crowded. But it all worked out and we enjoyed our little wine and cheese party before the show. It was a long walk back to the car afterwards and I thought Lisa was about to hit the wall before we got there, but she sucked it up and we made it to the car and home without incident. By that time she was done. I said goodnight to her at her door and that was that.
Prior to that I pretty much confirmed what I suspected, which is that she went out with her work friend Mark on Thursday night. She said she had gone out with "work friends" but I know better than that. I was at her house on Friday and I noticed she had a bottle of gin. Lisa has NEVER had gin before. She claimed it was just for a change of pace but I know her better than that. She had company the night before.
Now I could be wrong about this but I think I'm pretty good about connecting the dots. Especially when she told me that Mark gave the cat a new toy. But he's married, did I forget to mention that? So Lisa still has plenty of time on the weekends because married guys can't commit their weekends. Even when they have a loveless marriage.
While I am fairly sure about what I think I only have suspicions. I'd prefer not to know for sure and Lisa will probably try to keep it that way until something concrete happens, like he leaves his wife. I won't deny that is bothers me. It's just more and more obvious that no matter how things go I'll never be anything significant other than what I am now.
So with that in mind I stopped at the bar on Sunday afternoon. It's not like anything could happen there but I just needed to get out. While there I saw Coleen. She was bitching about her boyfriend, which I honestly don't want to hear about. But she did give me a nice hello and I will always keep a soft spot for her. I wasn't there very long. I was home watching TV by 7 which pretty much sucked.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A night out

I saw KC and the Sunshine Band on Saturday night.

Went with Lisa and her sister Ellen. I took some pictures. I'll have some more details later in the week.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Getting back to normal what ever that is

I spent last night playing on my laptop pc. I finally recieved the new power supply cord that I'd about given up on. But I found it in my mailbox when I got home and plugged it in and viola, I am online once again. So I played some games on it and updated my iTunes and not much else.
There was a big rainstorm that came through in the afternoon. I left work on time and the train did fairly well getting me home only 10 minutes late. Reading the paper I see all kinds of damage from it and some of it was very close to home. I considered taking a ride to the boat to check on it but decided to remain at home.
I did get a call from Lisa, who I've been teasingly calling her "tuna". Seems she caught wind of a conversation that her ex where by he said the tuna he caught was just finished off. Lisa thought she was the tuna... which I don't really get, but I've decided she will get that nickname for a while. She just called to say hello and I thought maybe I could go visit but I decided to stay home and play with my lappy. Part of me thinks that is a slightly healthier thing to do.
Tonight Lisa told me she has "plans" after work. I don't know what that means. I know I shouldn't let my imagination get the best of me but I can't help but think she is going out with Mark from her office. I need more distance.
Late last bight after I'd gone to bed I lost power. It did not go back on until about 5 AM. So ther was not air conditioner or fan. No clocks to tell me how late it was either. I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep. It was tough getting up this morning.
I'm either going to get my laundry done tonight or I'll go down to the bar and say hello to anyone who is there. I would prefer not to spend time feeling miserable but I'm not sure how to snap out of it.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dog Days

I had a lot of time to myself last night. Not really sure if that is a good thing or bad. I found myself thinking about how I kind of told Lisa I still have hopes for her, which I'm sure she is reacting to by pretty much putting some space between us. While I've always known she will never look to me for anything sexual I will never be able to understand why she needs me to be so close to her all the time. I don't think this is the reason but I often wonder if that is keeping me from getting close to someone who will see me in that light. I haven't had any affection in so long it's scary. The prospect of one day having that is all I have left.
I guess this will be a short post today. There isn't much more I can say. Things get better a little each day. I feel connected to so many people but then I'm alone so much. Maybe somewhere deep inside that is how I want it. But I long to be touched. What I wouldn't give just to have someone hold my hand.
In closing I'd just like to add a thank you to those who commented in my prior posts. It might not seem like much but it does feel good knowing there are people who care enough to give me words of encouragement.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I do not understand

Bath salts?
I had dinner at my sister's last night because my mom was there and she will be heading home to Florida today and it was my last chance to see her. While there my niece Kate was talking about how bath salts are being added to drugs being used and at Bonnaroo more than half the drugs found there were laced with the stuff. From reading about it's effects it would appear that was the ingredient that may have caused my nephew William to become so different. The description of the drug fits what happened to a tee.
None of this really helps now. But at least I feel a little more like I can understand.
I really want to have things in my life that are joyful and happy, but as I reminisce over the past I feel like all my iconic moments revolve around loss and sadness. Is this what my life is becoming? In the past few years I've seen my best friend Joe die of a heart attack, my ex-wife die from overdose of pills, my dad pass away from lung disease and now my nephew William die. Even when I do find a little excitement it comes tainted with negativity. I thought Carolyn might end up being a good thing, and mostly it is but she is under such a black cloud I don't see that ending well.
Last night after I returned home from my sister's I stopped in and saw Lisa. We relaxed with a cocktail and I told her about the bath salts. It's news to her as well. She uses bath salts to soak in, which is what it supposed to be for. As we sat and talked about life and death I found myself telling her how much she means to me and how I feel. It was not a good moment. I could see she was not responding to it. What I want I'll never have. No matter how lonely she is she is just never going to see me as an option. I know I need to not have those feelings for her and I will try to push them out of my head.
I feel like i need to chase a new dream. I have no idea where that might be.

Monday, July 16, 2012


My nephew died. He was 20 years old and had his whole life ahead of him. He killed himself. I am beyond grief. My poor brother is heartbroken. I want to write a big long post about it but I'm not sure if I can. But I'll just give some details just so I can remember what happened.
A month ago my nephew went to Bonnaroo, which is a three day music festival in Tennessee. He had gone 2 years ago and enjoyed it and was fine. He went with his older sister. They also had many other friends there. But something happened. While there he took LSD. When he came home he was changed. He could not shake out of this depression. I only found out about this after he died. The depression was so bad my brother had him in a hospital for three days. The prescribed medication and therapy. After three weeks he seemed to be doing better. No one thought anything like this would happen.
On Monday night he came home from work at about 10 PM. My brother checked on him in his bedroom just before going to bed. He was playing his guitar and was on his computer. Everything seemed fine.
A little past midnight my brother was awakened by a phone call from someone who read a post on facebook from my nephew where he seemed to say good bye to everyone. Before my brother and sister-in-law could even get down the stairs of the house there was a pounding knock on the door. It was the police and emergency ambulance. Someone had made a 911 call from the house. It was my nephew's last act. The police found him in the garage. We was gone.
We are not sure how long he planned to do what he did, but we think in was an impulse brought on by the depression. We will never know if he planning for a few minutes or a few weeks. We only know that at that moment his pain was more than he could bare.
I don't understand it. He had so many friends and had so many plans for his life. He was about to finish college. He was a good student. He wanted to go to Italy and was learning the language. He could play the piano and guitar. He was in a band he helped start. He was writing songs. He was learning how to brew his own beer. He had 2 summer jobs. He never seemed like he would ever do this.
I am in shock. I may never get over this.

Monday, July 9, 2012

5 days of no work

I'm back. I was away from the office for the weekend after 4th of July. It was basically just me alone other than those moments where I went out. That's not totally true but to me it feels that way.
I saw my sister on July 3rd. It was hot so I invited her to come out on the boat with Lisa and I. Lisa was going then not going then suddenly she was. This is starting to become typical.
So after spending the entire day enjoying the swimming off the boat I went to my sister's for barbecue and Lisa went to her sister's. So I didn't see her at all for fireworks.
At 7:30 I have a boat load of mostly family go out to the harbor and see the fireworks. It was a good show. Not a single stressful moment even though there are more people on the boat than I can count. It looked like everyone had a good time, I know I did. As the fireworks ended God added a little lightning to the show. So we wasted no time getting back to the dock, but my good luck held out as the showers went east of us.
The next harbor over got the storm. I mention this because in the news the next day was the tragic store of a boat the capsized and sank. Three children died. The boat was almost as big as mint, 34 feet. But there were 27 people on boat, twice as many as I had. There were also caught in the storm and on top of that the boat was not a sailboat, but a power boat with an elevated cockpit. I'm sure all those things had a lot to do with it.
So that accident has me thinking a lot about how quickly things can go wrong and adding to whatever stress I get. But I also have years of experience and should know better. I spent the rest of my time using the boat as much as I can. It has been extremely hot so it has been the best relief other than the A/C at home.
Thursday night I was home alone, as I was all day Friday. At night I joined Lisa and her sister Ellen at an outdoor oldies concert. That was fun but it was an early night.
The rest of the weekend kind of went along without too many things worth writing about. I did see Carolyn, but only briefly. We made a plan to go boating, but she has too many obligations to commit to anything. We may get together one night this week.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Independently Free.

And here comes another holiday. Tomorrow is Fourth of July. I will be out of the office Thursday and Friday as well. I'm not sure how I will spend my time away from the work, but I'm going to try and enjoy all that I can. No one will be off that i know if so I will be flying solo pretty much like always.
Last night I had a total me time, as I grabbed my book and read while also watching a great sunset, followed by a moonrise. It makes me say to sit alone for these things but that is how is has to be then I accept it. At least I'm in a place where I can have a serene moment.
Prior to heading down to the water Lisa called me. She needed to borrow a small fan that was hoping would keep her laptop from over heating. I would have like her to join me but she had pretty much planned a quiet evening at home. Perhaps it's a good thing as we have spent more than enough time together. I need to give her more time without me around.
I have made plans to see my sister over the holiday. We are planning to use the boat during the day and then barbecue with the rest of the family at her house. Then everyone will jump on the boat for the fireworks. I only home we don't over crowd the boat again. Seems like all the kids want to bring a friend, and everyone is getting older and bigger. Makes for a very messy scene, especially for me. I try not to get stressed but I do anyway. With all these people coming I have pretty much decided none of my friend are being invited. It really isn't something they want anyway. Problem is that leaves me with the task of driving the boat and also trying to entertain. I had hopes that Lisa would come aboard, but she seems to want to do things with her own family.
So I get to spend my Independence Day totally independent. I will once again make an effort to get some pictures.