Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Hope and Hopelessness

It has been 2 weeks since Lisa and I spent the night together. Since then we have not even discussed it. I wish things could have gone better but before I could even formulate in my mind what I even want Lisa was off to Vermont for a work related trip. While she was there we only spoke once and averaged maybe one tect exchange per day. There was a real distance some of which came from me but most of it was from her. In my insecurity I convinced myself she was having a fling just so she could get the whole event behind her. It's been more than a week and I'm convinced that is exactly what transpired. I also made attampts to push on. I spent a lot of time with Coleen. I even told her what happened because I just don't know what normal sex is for a man my age. It is just something men do not talk about. She did tell me that the men my age she has been with all did not experiance what I did. But she did say it does happen. So last night I realized that I pretty much had drinks everyday of my vacation and I decided to see how things would work alcohol free. I must say there is a difference. So I have now convinced myself that I need to choose between drinks and sex. Getting back to Lisa, when she came home I immediately noticed she had a new name in her life. Someone by the name of Jeff who she met on her trip. She spoke to him on her phone and I could tell by their conversation that there was more than a professional relationship. We talked about it briefly and I am already looking at our night together as a mistake so I wasn't going to get all worked up if she told me any details. In the moment I was just happy to be taken off the hook. She did give me some details but I have this feeling it isn't serious. For one thing Jeff lives upstate. Also his status is some what of a mystery. I noticed over the last few days Lisa is looking at her phone less and less. And then late yesterday she sent me a cryptic email that simply stated "I've made a difficult decision today..." and nothing more. She sent this after I'd left the office so I didn't read it until this morning. Last night she was sending me text messages from after 11 PM until well past midnight. This for her is highly unusual. She goes to bed by about 10 and is typically asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I feel that the other shoe is about to drop but I have no idea what that might be.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Winding down summer already

For some reason I was unable to write anything but a heading for a while. This was an attempt to write about how I finally kissed Lisa. But I wrote about that later. So skip ahead.

Night of nights

So it finally happened. Lisa and I slept together. It took me completely by surprose and I'm not sure it was planned on her part either. It just hsppened. I will start from the biggining. One night in July we spoke of how we are friends and she desire was to not change that. My response was that whatever we do that would never change. Then I switched tactics and said why are we talking and not just making out. So we did. We started kissing in my livingroom and from there we went to the bedroom, but we never took our xlothes off. Not that I didn't try. She stopped things and I watched her leave thinking how close we came. Fast forward to three weeks later. We were outside at a concert in the village. We sipped wine and listened to music. I convinced her to dance and we were having fun like we always do. We called it a night before the end and as we walked back to the car I just spontainiously took her hand as we walked. I've done this before and usually feel funny about it and let it go after a moment or two. This time it just felt natural and we just casually did that all the way to the car. I did not think much of it at the time. We drove back to her house, which is only a block from mine. We had what I thought was a night cap and a little past 10 PM I started to look to call it a night. Before I could leave she said "come lay with me". So I just thought we would watch TV on the bed until she fell asleep. So I took off my shoes and follwoed Lisa into the bedroom. Ahe lays down and doesn't even turn on the TV. So I leaned in and we kissed. Then I realized at some point she had removed her bra. From there things are a little fuzzy. But we rolled around the bed and fell on the floor. We got naked. I touched her. Everywhere. She was hot. She was ready and willing. After 15 years of wanting this it was finally there for me. But my 50+ year old body was letting me down. I had nothing. Maybe it was the alcohol ot maybe I'm just old but I could not get an erection. And we tried everything. Her hand, my hand, her mouth. Nothing. We just fell asleep both not getting what we want. So we just talked in the dark. I told her how sorry I was. Somehow the subk=ject of how we'd gotten there came up. I told Lisa how unexpected this was for me. She asked my why did I held her hand earlier in the night. I said I hadn't even thought about it. If I'd known that was all it took.... but none of that matters now. We fell aseep together and when we woke up I got dressed and when home and fell asleep in my bed for about 2 hours. All I keep asking myself is will I ever be able to have sex again. I mean if I can't do it with Lisa how can it ever happen. I guess I can always see a doctor and get a prescription but things are so spontainious and that kind of thing needs to be planned. So in the last 2 weeks we have slipped back into our old routines. Lisa was away on a business trip only 3 days later and returned after the weekend. We have never talked about what happened and it feels like neither one of us wants to try again. Maybe that is best. Part of me feels like I've finally gotten it out of my system. I just hate to give up.