Saturday, January 30, 2010

I've always got me

I am becoming convinced that I'm really just talking to the wall here. I kind of miss the old AOL blog site because it had a fairly good search engine and it had a counter of how often your blog was read. This this it's just like leaving messages in a bottle and throwing them out to sea. For how many years will it be floating around never getting to be read.

It's the middle of a lost weekend. I haven't had one of these for a while... not since I lived in Farmingdale. I remember a number of times where I would get home on a Friday and never leave the house until going back to work on Monday. It's not quite that bad now but close.

Last night I had a plan to hang after work with a friend but that got cancelled so I stopped at the liquor store and picked up some wine and enjoyed a quiet Friday night home alone. It was very different than what I had been doing. The last few weeks I had multiple things to do but now I'm dealing with a slow weekend.

So I went to bed at a reasonable time and got up early and headed for the gym. I met Lisa there ... thank God I still have at least one friend. Of course I am exaggerating but for the moment I'm feeling low so I go with that. We did the gym than after that we had a nice lunch before we called it a day at about 3.

Then I went to an open house in the co-op complex that I expect to buy a unit in before too long. I'm feeling the window of opportunity beginning to close and it's making me want to make things go faster ... but I need to realize there are so many places available I need to make a choice without getting to attached to one thing.

Now it's Saturday evening. I considered going to the bar but after Thursday I don't think I should put myself into a situation that is going to cause me more pain than I already have. Seeing Coleen and jimmy together is making me crazy. Got to stop. Is not going out the answer? Probably not but for today it seems like what I need to do.

Tomorrow will be better. It always is. Give up a little time and start recalibrating my brain. What will I do Sunday? I feel weak and alone.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Bad feelings

I really don't understand why I do the things that I do sometimes. I mean I already know the outcome but I still keep thinking I can change things.

Last night I was set to go to the gym and I was going to meet Lisa there so I would have someone to talk to. But Lisa called after work and said she was not feeling well and would just head home. But I had my stuff and I figured I could go anyway. So what do I do ... I drive by the bar and saw Coleen's car and thought I could stop in and say hello. Stupid stupid stupid.

She said hello and she was glad to see me .... but she is all about Jimmy now and he was there too. But here is the thing ... Jimmy doesn't seem interested in her at all. Why am I putting myself in position to watch this? It makes me crazy. She just doesn't like me that way ... I need to find something else. Go someplace else. Anything just get away from it.

Today is Friday and that is my plan... go anywhere but there. Stay home or go out ... just don't see Coleen. My weekend plan is that. I may have a drink after work in the City and then stay in. That would work best. I can be social for an hour or so and feel like I've got a life. Tomorrow I need to make it to the gym and then look at another apartment. I may see Lisa or my sister tomorrow. that should get me through Saturday. I'll deal with Sunday later. Stay focused.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fear of moving

I can't seem to get my head on straight. I keep thinking about how things have taken a new direction that I should be prepared for but I'm not. Things are going good right now and I should feel happy and optimistic, but I'm not. I finally have some money to do some of the things I've been holding off for so long. I can go out with more than enough money. If I need something like some new clothes I can just get it. If my car is broken I can get it repaired. I can even think about dating. But I haven't done any of these things.

I have been thinking I can buy a place to live. I've been renting since my divorce and I feel it is time to secure the rest of my working life. Seems like a good opportune time. Mortgage rates are low, the housing market is low and I think I can swing any increase to my expenses. I've looked at 4 co-op apartments so far. The one I like is the most money. They are all closer to my friends. It would be good to have friends in the vicinity.

But I keep having this thing in my head that my main reason is to be closer to Coleen ... and I know I need a better reason than that and ... while it is true that the reasons are not solely about that, it really is what I am most thinking about as I look. I have never had this much trouble getting someone out of my head.

So for this reason I am thinking I need to stay away from Gates for a while just to get myself over it as much as I can. Does that really work or do I just make it worse. Of course it would be better if I could find something else to fixate on or at least try. But my Friday nights have been spent the same way for more than 2 years ... it's hard to see any alternatives.

I also keep seeing Coleen and Jimmy getting close and I miss the time when I would get messages from her at random times during the week. I was re-reading some of my entries from 2 years ago and I realized how my getting close to her was as much her doing as mine. But I also see how she never let me be more than just a distraction. So now I expect she is doing the same now as far as Jimmy goes. It seems like she has a history of doing that ... Before me there was Chris, Don, and someone named Gary. I knew all this and I still feel like I was different.

My getting a co-op near my friends feels like a good thing but not the life changing event I have hopes for. I need to get it into my head that I am just moving to be closer to all the things I spend my time around.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Who needs friends

I've been feeling like I need to start updating this again. So much is happening right now and I've no one to really express it to. I once again need this as an outlet for things that affect me that no one really cares about except me and anyone else who still thinks this is worth reading.

What I need to get of my chest may go someplace that is not good and I feel like I am sounding just a little ... I don't know ... narcissistic. I'm feeling very alone right now and I feel the walls going up all around me. It's winter and up until now I have been focusing on football and my beloved Jets. But they lost and now I'm realizing that I have no interest in seeing any other games... for now.

Let me just get to the point ... Coleen ... remember Coleen ... she has distanced herself from me. She has stopped seeing Mark completely but since then she has barely spoken to me. I see her in the bar and we have casual conversations but she is making it clear to me she is unavailable. She has been getting cosy with Jimmy. While they don't appear to be a couple I think she wants to be but I could be just me being really jealous. He is definitely getting the attention I used to get. I'm feeling even more rejected and unloved than usual.

As far as the rest I may have alienated myself from Roberta and Janet because I'm not speaking to Judy anymore. Judy is this fat, gross friend of Roberta's. She always seemed to go out of her way to tick me off and I've finally had enough and told her so. Janet was there and told me I went too far ... so she is siding with Judy I guess. But I am sick of everyone giving her a pass on her inappropriate behavior and if I lose the friendship I have with Janet and Roberta over this then so be it. I have let Judy abuse me for the last time. More loneliness for me but I am simply not going to continue to surround myself with anymore fake friends.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's another new year. Good bye 2009 and hello 2010. Above if you can see it is a picture of Janet and myself. We have been friends so long I can't ever see that we can ever be more than that. I guess that is how my life will stay.

I can finally say I am able to do what ever I want financially. I am happy to be in that place but feeling more than a little frustrated becuase I am still not able to get close to anyone. It has me considering asking people I know to try and fix me up with someone new. Obviously of the people I am around day to day there are no possibilities. Last summer I has a fix up that didn't go anywhere mostly because I just wasn't serious about it. I told myself it was because I still needed to get out of debt. Whether that's true of not doesn't matter.

I need to find a new groove. A better place to go. More gym and less bar. Less talk and more action. It's a new year. Maybe I can find something good to add.