Thursday, September 30, 2010


I thought the text messages were over but I was wrong. At noon I get another Coleen text ... "Hey". I've never gotten one in the middle of the day. I could feel my pulse race immediately. I was afraid to respond but I did, I just said "working". Then she asked if I was home or in the office. then she said she just wanted to say hi. I responded with "Okay. Hi" And that was that.
I was half expecting her to show up so I was trying to think of how I would handle that. So of course she doesn't. I wonder if it happens will I be ready. My hope is that I can avoid her until I leave for Florida next week.
I went to the gym and met Lisa. She asked and I told her. Her reaction was more or less like I expected. She came down on me hard. She actually said I have nothing to be upset about since we don't have any kind of understanding. I said "I know but I'm still upset and not wanting to talk to her". She didn't say much after that. So I finished my workout. I can only say that it felt good to at least tell someone. It was bottled up and festering. Now I need to move on a little bit each day.
I wish I could come across with some exciting new thing but that's just not how my life seems to ever work.

Time goes by

My blogs are now my main outlet for expressing my day to day struggle. I refuse to subject my friends and family to it. If I'm already sick of it I can imagine how they must feel.
Finally got a day with no more text messages. I'll get used to it after a while.
Last night I got a haircut by Loni. She has been cutting my hair for more than 10 years and even though we really don't socialize she knows me really well. During the haircut we got to talking about my situation. I really just wanted to know if there is a better way to handle things other than just not responding to any more text messages. She was a little harsh which I expected. She said I'm just repeating my Lisa experience, which I knew. She said to stop being friends with women and don't feel guilty about asking what I want right away.
I don't remember all the specifics but she did say that I am not wrong to not talk to Coleen any more, but if I do I should no longer even try to be friends. I should never been that anyway and never girls really respect the nice guys. It sucks. I'm really just in hell.
I made an attempt to talk to Tracy. She said hello and she asked about getting together. I said what about Friday ... she said she would get back to me ... thaqn didn't hear from her. She is still out of work and my interest in her went south because she never would see me as a date. And her conversations would annoy me because she was just a little too much like my ex-wife. But I feel so desperate right now I'm willing to give that another shot.
This morning I had a dentist appointment so right now I have Novocaine mouth. So no food until lunch.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


The more down I am the more I need to blog. I just don't have any other way to let these emotions out. And I am at rock bottom. These is nothing else to do except keep going. Like Tom Hanks says in Castaway ... "I just need to keep breathing because I control NOTHING".
I got one last text from Coleen yesterday just before getting to the gym.... she wanted to know if I had a date. See, I had told her I had plans when she asked me to join her and her friend for dinner and it wasn't a lie. I was meeting Lisa at the gym. I didn't reply back. It was hard but I just thought she wants to think I have a date let her. I doubt it will give her any emotional let down like I would have. I'm fairly sure she would like it if I found somebody, as long as it's not her.
So I went into the gym and did my workout. I really needed it. Lisa was there ahead of me and we had a small chat before I hit the start button on the treadmill. I briefly mentioned that I was having a bad week and she pushed for details but I just said it was not an issue with work but I didn't feel like talking about it. I really did except it's not something I wanted to do in a few minutes and she just isn't there for me that way anymore. She has her own life to deal with. These are my problems and I need to find my own way. Besides, she has been listening to this broken record longer that anyone and she must be more sick of it than I am. Even when we finished and walked to the car we didn't talk at all.
I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. Everything feels wrong. Coleen wants to see me but I feel like I shouldn't right now. And that makes me feel bad because I end up missing her. It's so stupid. I am punishing myself. I am isolating myself but my self-esteem has taken such a big hit it's going to effect all my relationships.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Welcome to my pity party.

Just need to start by saying thanks to Cindy for her comments on the prior post. I may just try what you say I should with the list thing. It is something I'd not thought of.
Okay .... last night I arrived home from work pretty much feeling sorry for myself. I'm in the real pity party mood. What is my best option since I don't really have any prospects? At about 8 PM I just called some of my friends not to talk about this but just to get my mind on other things. I called Lisa first to see if she will join me at the gym after work on Tuesday. I got voicemail. Then I called Janet She was home. We chatted about her weekend trip ... she was away this past weekend. Then we just talked about upcoming events and plans. My main objective was to make myself busy and active. I want something better to do than sit home feeling bad.
During the call Lisa called me. Thank God for caller ID and call waiting. I just popped over and said I would call back and then finished my conversation with Janet. I ended up talking to Janet for about 30 minutes. Then called Lisa back and we made a plan to meet at the gym tomorrow. Lisa has a boyfriend so it's not anything special but it gives me a reason to be out and at least have an adult conversation. She seemed busy but I kind of insisted on chatting for a bit. I really didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.
But then my cell phone beeps with a text ... from Coleen. I'm still talking to Lisa so I just look at it and it says "How was your day". I just kept talking to Lisa. I wanted to put it out of my mind but my whole thought process was derailed. Why is she suddenly interested in my day? Why doesn't she just call? What if I ignore just it? I couldn't if I tried.
I finished up talking to Lisa and it was now close to 9 PM. I knew I had to respond something. I still don't to let on how much I'm bothered so I just replied that "My day at was like always".
Coleen:"It was crazy today", she works in the medical office I just assumed she meant that.
My response:"flu shot time", Coleen:"I am not working right now. How about dinner tomorrow with me and Barbara". Yeah, can't be doing that. I considered saying just "NO" but that's just not me. I need to try to make it seem like I am oblivious. I am just not able to cut her off. My response was "I have plans. Next time okay?" All I got back was "Ok. Goodnight".
So what I hate about texting is I can't tell if she is effected at all. It's so rare that she initiated contact on a Monday and even more rare that she wanted to make a plan. Usually it's "Maybe" or "I'll be around". If I'm no longer going to pursue her I need to prepare myself for her eventually abandoning me. That's a bitter pill to swallow. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Alone again, Natually. Been there Done that

I left the computer off yesterday because. I am in such a bad place that it pains me the think about it.
So I had to do it Saturday night. I just had to know. I couldn't just pretend I didn't see and hear Coleen talk to Dean before she waltzed out the door. So I hop in my car and did a drive by and sure enough her car was in the driveway at Dean's house. The house was dark. All I could do is suck it down. Dean is a guy she was dating before I even knew her and they ended it but I guess you could call that backsliding.
I felt so alone and unwanted. I went home and got almost no sleep. I wanted to drink but lucky there was only a single can of beer in the fridge. I had to fight the urge to do something other than just think about it. I got up and watch tv but that wasn't helping much.
I got up early and tried to keep busy. Then at 10 AM she sends me a text. "What are you doing" ... I just put the phone back in my pocket. I don't understand why she has to talk to me when she just crawled out of bed with some other guy. She either thinks I didn't notice or just doesn't care. Either way I didn't need to see her and just felt my best thing is to stay away.
About an hour later she sends another "Hey whats going on". By this time I was almost finished in work on my boat but I still didn't want to talk to her. So I replied "busy on boat". She just said "cool" and that was that.
So I don't know what I am anymore. I can't keep doing these things. All my friends told me this would happen but I refused to listen. And no one really wants to listen to me cry about it. I want to go in a new direction but I've just been unable to make any real changes.
I look back on my earlier entries and the names change but the story is the same over and over. Am I really so Shrek like that no one will ever get close to me? Is it just my lack of self-esteem or am I just really doomed to be lonely?
Yes there are other options ... Match, online dating ... thing like that but I've tried those ... hell, I must have had dates with a dozen or so women. But they all seemed more lost than me. I didn't enjoy it at all and I don't want to do it again. But I'm getting more open to it. I just need to get through the next week or so, then I get to go to Florida for a week. Thinks always seem better there.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Bad bad bad

Yes... it is meltdown time. I was having drinks at the bar and Coleen was there. I made the mistake of over hearing her talking to Dean and I swear she propositioned him by saying she would come to his house tonight if he wanted. I'm struggling with the fact that I want to now go and see. This is not a good thing. But I need to go and see. If her car is at his house it will be hard for me but if I don't go check I'll never sleep.

No one want me. I am so alone right now. I want to call someone but no one will want to hear my whinnings. I know it's what all will see as what is inevitable, But the hurt is still there.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Destination no where.

I spent another night home alone. Thursday has always been a quiet night so I'm sort of fine with that. Today is Friday so I'm looking forward to an adventurous evening. I must be careful not to get my expectations too high so I don't feel like crashing if things aren't what I'd like. Janet and Roberta are away and I will spend Saturday working on the boat. I have a built in excuse to not stay out late.
I made my way to the gym after work last night. Lisa said she was planning to go but she didn't show up. That's fine. I need to do this for me anyway. I made the mistake of checking out the parking lot near the bar to see if Coleen was there. She was. I saw her car in the lot. I feel that I need to stop doing that. It has no point.
My mind has a bunch of scenarios that might happen this weekend. A big part of me is glad the girls are out of the way. Perhaps I can find a new thing to do. But if anyone asks I'm not busy. Maybe a night home will be a good thing.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A slow news day.

I spent the last 2 nights alone with my thoughts. At least I made it to the gym on Tuesday. I'm going to try and go again tonight unless something better comes along. I wanted to talk last night to anyone who would listen but I couldn't think of anyone who might enjoy my talk. So I sucked it up and watched tv all night in the company of my cat.
There was a big storm that blew through the area last night at about 10. So I was glad to be safe at home. We are in a mini heat wave ... at least a September version of a heat wave. We might see 90 today. Maybe I was a little hasty to take out the A/C units. Saturday it will still be warm. Maybe it will be a beach day but my plan is to get some work done on the boat. I have Barry coming to give me a hand and with his help I should get my new stuff installed and working. Then I can look forward to next year being my best boating season ever.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Short note

Not sure why but I reached out to Coleen after work last night. I ended up seeing her and having dinner and drinks with her. She was in good spirits and I said goodnight at about 9. It was a rare Monday night treat. I am setting the stage for this coming weekend. I would like it if I can see her. But I am not able to make a plan.

The rest of the week will be limited to work and home. I will also go to the gym. Summer must really be over since I've removed my air conditioners from the bedroom and livingroom and they will now spend the next 8 months in the closet. It may get warm during the day but I can handle any heat with just open windows. I am waiting for that first real cold day to see how the heat in the new house is. I still love the fact that the air really flows through with just open windows. Having the sun coming into the bedroom in the morning is a new experience. The last bedroom that faced east would have been more than 15 years ago.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Life with Mike

How boring is my life. All week I was trying to focus on things "not Coleen" so I hadn't called her in any way (no emails or text messages) all week long. Friday night I had dinner with Janet and Roberta. We have been trying to find new and different activities and so far I've been able to stay away from the bar on Friday's. It was a uneventful evening.
Saturday I wanted to work on installing some new equipment on the boat so I spent most of the day alone taking car of that. Before that I had made a plan to have dinner out with Janet. I figure if she will make plans I need to prioritize her more. That being said at about 4 PM Coleen showed up at the boat unannounced. I was happy to see her. She seemed to be interested in what I had planned which I said I would be out for dinner. I wonder if she was getting my message ... that I want to plan my life. Not just let things happen.
My dinner with Janet was okay. We went to her house afterwards and watched a movie on TV. Nothing romantic. That's just who we are. I was considering asking about it but I just think we both know we are friends and we are both fine with that.
That brings me to Sunday. In the morning I got a text message from Coleen asking me about the beach ... but I had plans to take people out on the boat. Late in the afternoon she sent me another text about watching football in the bar. I broke and went there. I didn't really talk to her much but she did say I needed to stop by. Well, long story short, she had some kind of melt down and left mad about something that didn't have anything to do with me. I asked that she call me Monday and she just went on with her fit and gave me a hug (that part was good) and she was out the door. I doubt she will call so I'll just go back to my normal routine and try not to think about her.
No new plans and next weekend there will be limited options because Janet will be away. Maybe I need to sit home and fix things here.

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's Friday

It's Friday. Plans for the weekend are limited and my optimism is down. I want to avoid the same old thing but the prospect of sitting alone has little appeal. I will probably have dinner with Janet and Roberta and stay away from Coleen. I know where she will be and if I go there it will just reinforce the way she sees me. A friend who is always there on her terms.
I did that last Friday but by Saturday morning I was back to texting and I ended up spending most of my Saturday in contact with her. By Sunday she was obviously taking me for granted and I need to make new plans.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


It's late and I'm tired. I have no idea what this will be. It's been me alone all day. I worked today from home so there was no reason for anyone to talk to me. I only ventured out to get my allergy shots. It's been almost 3 months so I was way overdue. Got home and had leftover dinner and watched tv. No phone calls. No text messages. No knocks on the door. Tomorrow I get to do it all again.
But where can I go? I need to stay away from the drinking culture. I need to connect with people in a new way. I'll need to think on this before the weekend.
I guess the weekend is already set up to be quiet. Janet and Roberta will be away. Coleen I just need to stay away from. I'll keep busy on the boat and let things just be.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

More thoughts

Spent last evening alone with my thoughts. I feel my optimism being drained out of my body. I want to hide myself away from all the women in my life. Maybe I'll go to Florida in 2 weeks and come back and something will change. For sure it's not me that will ever change.

Something Coleen said on Sunday has me really bugged. We were sitting away from the crowd when she was looking at a text that someone had just sent to her phone. I don't know who it was from but it had to be from one of her "prospects". Out of nowhere she looked at me and said "I need a boyfriend and you need a girlfriend". She didn't say it in a way to lead anywhere because she then asked me about the girl I took out on the boat. That was Angela. It was over a year ago. She asked what happened. I couldn't say the truth ... that Angela wasn't Coleen. I'm not sure if that was really it but it certainly was part of it. Makes me realize that I spend all my energy on things I can't have rather than things I can.

So I want to put some distance between me and her for a while. My ultimate goal is for her to change her perspective of me but also I'd like to change mine. I've never been very good at that. I know I obsess too much and that has to be unhealthy. I was hoping this would be my outlet so I can let things go but I'm only getting worse as I get older.

It's only Tuesday ... I want to stop making plans but I need to make plans. Keep looking forward but start hoping for new things. Tonight I'll meet Lisa at the gym. Maybe I can run all this anxiety out my system.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Looking back when I should look forward.

Lots to say. I decided to end my ban on alcohol. I had wine with Coleen at dinner last Thursday. We will wait and see how I can handle things going forward. I may just give it up again if I sense myself slipping. For now I'm watching myself.

It's been an eventful week. Coleen was home on vacation even though she didn't go anywhere. There were days where she sent me text messages constantly. I was in the office so it was nice to hear from someone outside and if it's her I am even more thrilled. I found myself looking forward to the next one but I was also getting a little annoyed. It was starting to feel like all our conversations were texts. Then we went to dinner Thursday. It was so great to sit across the table and just look at her while she talked. I had decided if she was buying me dinner for my birthday I would share some wine with her.

I don't know what it was but I felt more nervous than usual. I knew she was still off from work so made an attempt to see if she was willing to see me the next day if I didn't go to work. I have plenty of time available but she didn't commit to anything so I just shut it down and went to work anyway.

On Friday I didn't see Coleen or talk to her. I think we swapped one or two messages. What ever good feeling I had from the night before was gone. I decided to make plans with Janet. I'm struggling on how I feel about Janet lately. Last weekend I really felt that I missed her but then Roberta had to go and tell me about Janet's secret sex. I can't understand why that disturbs me so much. I tried asking Lisa about it but she kind of shut down so I am left feeling dissed and rejected even though it's not even like that.

Friday night's dinner was okay. Janet didn't really ask about why I failed to call her when she came back ... actually she did but I answered vaguely. Roberta joined us late after she had eaten. We talked about going somewhere else but by the time dinner was finished I felt so tired I just went home. I'm feeling a little sick of the women in my life right now.

They all seem to have these secret boyfriends that never take them out in public. Lisa, Coleen, Janet, Roberta ... all of them. At least Lisa has Carmine now so I guess she shouldn't be on that list. But she was all about that for years... and she was the one who actually told me a little about those kind of things. I'm not really 100 percent sure she still isn't involved that way.

So I keep breathing and I keep looking forward to the sun coming up every day. I feel sad about how things have gone but I know there is a future out there somewhere.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Alone again, Natually.

Today did not go exactly as planned. Left the house to do some work on the boat and who do I see driving in the opposite direction but Coleen who waved me to pull over. We ended up spending the entire day together. I don't even know how it happened as I was just going with the flow. I got calls from the girls I know who do not like my keeping company with Coleen so I was conflicted all day. I am rationalizing that I owe no one any explanation as I still don't drink and my choices are mine to deal with and mine alone.

That said I feel guilty to not go hang out with those who see me when I need friends. Yes. I have good friends but they can't bring me the joy I get from Coleen and I know there is no positive outcome I can even expect I still need to take that path.

I got home at around 8 and felt I needed to call Janet. She sounded like she had been drinking. A lot. Still I wanted to say hello. Now that I know she has been having secret sex with Bunky I want to judge her but she refuses to judge me so I can't make any comment. So I let it go.

No more news... just me alone ... like always.

I'm either too smart or too stupid.

The summer is winding down it the labor day holiday has been a struggle for me in so many ways. I've been twisting in the wind as I have been unable to get a plan on anything. I am feeling a little left out or left behind by almost everyone. The only one around has been Roberta.

I like Roberta but I always feel like she is taking notes to share with other people. But still I tend to tell her more than I really want to. But it is nice to unburden myself to someone who listens. That being said I had a number of incidents and she gave me quite a bit on insight on things.

I know this is like a repeating story, but I am being pulled by Coleen again. I want to detach but I just can't seem to push those feeling aside. Earlier this week she called while I wasn't home and left a message... something she has rarely done. She didn't say anything but I felt as if she just wanted to say hello. It was the day after my birthday so I was thinking it may have had something to do with that. I didn't call back and since the next day was a work day I never heard from her until Friday night except for an occasional text message. In fact I am starting to feel our main way of communication has become text messages. This has become very tiresome.

What I really would like is real time conversation that maybe even includes making real plans. This is not happening and I have to make myself stop looking for things that are not there. Here is what is really bothering me ... Coleen wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but she waited until the day before to try to make a plan and by then I had already committed to seeing Janet that day. She said something to Janet that made me think she wanted to join us but I resisted that. So on my birthday she called me first thing in the morning. I said we could do something over the holiday. But she was making plans to be away herself. Still I knew I would see her on Friday night. A mutual friend Tony was 50 this week and we were all going to wish him happy birthday. So a bunch of us met in the bar - minus Janet who was away - for happy hour. I came in and Coleen wished me happy birthday but never really spoke to me much after that. I felt a little burned since she didn't have even as much as a card and it isn't like she couldn't get one since she had one for Tony. It's been bothering me all weekend. I know, I know ... shouldn't feel this way since she has never taken that kind of step.

I find myself missing Janet since she is away upstate at a family holiday event. More than I have in a while. I mentioned this to Roberta who told me about her spending time with Bunky... who we saw with his new girlfriend earlier this weekend. The Janet and Bunky thing is like her big secret. They just get together for sex on the weekends. What is odd is how many times I have seen her on weekends where I just go home. So I am carrying that around this morning too.

I am in denial to everyone about how I feel. I would really like it if someone would give me some affection before go a little crazy and do something I shouldn't.