I left the computer off yesterday because. I am in such a bad place that it pains me the think about it.
So I had to do it Saturday night. I just had to know. I couldn't just pretend I didn't see and hear Coleen talk to Dean before she waltzed out the door. So I hop in my car and did a drive by and sure enough her car was in the driveway at Dean's house. The house was dark. All I could do is suck it down. Dean is a guy she was dating before I even knew her and they ended it but I guess you could call that backsliding.
I felt so alone and unwanted. I went home and got almost no sleep. I wanted to drink but lucky there was only a single can of beer in the fridge. I had to fight the urge to do something other than just think about it. I got up and watch tv but that wasn't helping much.
I got up early and tried to keep busy. Then at 10 AM she sends me a text. "What are you doing" ... I just put the phone back in my pocket. I don't understand why she has to talk to me when she just crawled out of bed with some other guy. She either thinks I didn't notice or just doesn't care. Either way I didn't need to see her and just felt my best thing is to stay away.
About an hour later she sends another "Hey whats going on". By this time I was almost finished in work on my boat but I still didn't want to talk to her. So I replied "busy on boat". She just said "cool" and that was that.
So I don't know what I am anymore. I can't keep doing these things. All my friends told me this would happen but I refused to listen. And no one really wants to listen to me cry about it. I want to go in a new direction but I've just been unable to make any real changes.
I look back on my earlier entries and the names change but the story is the same over and over. Am I really so Shrek like that no one will ever get close to me? Is it just my lack of self-esteem or am I just really doomed to be lonely?
Yes there are other options ... Match, online dating ... thing like that but I've tried those ... hell, I must have had dates with a dozen or so women. But they all seemed more lost than me. I didn't enjoy it at all and I don't want to do it again. But I'm getting more open to it. I just need to get through the next week or so, then I get to go to Florida for a week. Thinks always seem better there.