Monday, September 27, 2010

Alone again, Natually. Been there Done that

I left the computer off yesterday because. I am in such a bad place that it pains me the think about it.
So I had to do it Saturday night. I just had to know. I couldn't just pretend I didn't see and hear Coleen talk to Dean before she waltzed out the door. So I hop in my car and did a drive by and sure enough her car was in the driveway at Dean's house. The house was dark. All I could do is suck it down. Dean is a guy she was dating before I even knew her and they ended it but I guess you could call that backsliding.
I felt so alone and unwanted. I went home and got almost no sleep. I wanted to drink but lucky there was only a single can of beer in the fridge. I had to fight the urge to do something other than just think about it. I got up and watch tv but that wasn't helping much.
I got up early and tried to keep busy. Then at 10 AM she sends me a text. "What are you doing" ... I just put the phone back in my pocket. I don't understand why she has to talk to me when she just crawled out of bed with some other guy. She either thinks I didn't notice or just doesn't care. Either way I didn't need to see her and just felt my best thing is to stay away.
About an hour later she sends another "Hey whats going on". By this time I was almost finished in work on my boat but I still didn't want to talk to her. So I replied "busy on boat". She just said "cool" and that was that.
So I don't know what I am anymore. I can't keep doing these things. All my friends told me this would happen but I refused to listen. And no one really wants to listen to me cry about it. I want to go in a new direction but I've just been unable to make any real changes.
I look back on my earlier entries and the names change but the story is the same over and over. Am I really so Shrek like that no one will ever get close to me? Is it just my lack of self-esteem or am I just really doomed to be lonely?
Yes there are other options ... Match, online dating ... thing like that but I've tried those ... hell, I must have had dates with a dozen or so women. But they all seemed more lost than me. I didn't enjoy it at all and I don't want to do it again. But I'm getting more open to it. I just need to get through the next week or so, then I get to go to Florida for a week. Thinks always seem better there.

1 comment:

Cindy said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time right now and wish I had some great, eye-opening advice, but I don't. Part of me thinks you should sit down and tell Colleen exactly what you think, what you know, and what you've been going through because of her and part of me thinks no, you shouldn't do that. I'm big on lists. Maybe you should make a list of all the qualities you'd like in a woman and then make a list of what you like about Colleen - just a thought, just a starting point if nothing else. I wsh someone new would just walk into your life and sweep you off your feet and feel like you are the best thing in their life. Well, I can at least tell you there is nothing Shrek-like about you! So get that out of your head! Just maybe all these difficult times are leading you to the right person. Anyways - I enjoy reading your journal because you're so honest and open about your feelings and you're interesting! Hope things start looking up soon! ~ Cindy