Wednesday, February 29, 2012

This was Wednesday

I'm in such a bad mood today and I don't even have a reason. I have been working hard and trying to focus on that. Well, yesterday I found out the user, who is supposed to verify my work has only been signiing off without checking anything. So I feel like if anything is wrong it all just comes back to me. And I am stressing over that. I need to let it go.
The rest of my day was uneventful. I made it into the gym and completed my work out. I was sweating like crazy.
Happy Sadie Hawkins Day

Monday, February 27, 2012

Man stuff

I did not go out Friday night or Saturday night. It was just me and the cat. My one goal was to finally paint my stairwell. And I managed to get that done. I have only lived in my new home for almost 2 years. Before I moved I spent a week painting every room. But I held off painting the stairway because I figured moving would probably leave marks. Which it did. And I have been looking at those marks ever since. Until yesterday. And it was not easy. The stair was so much more difficult than the other rooms. My ladder would not reach every part of the wall so I needed to rig up an table on the stair and place the ladder on that. And it was quite high. I was a little afraid I would have an accident. I thought I might lose my balance and fall or worse, drop a bucket of paint. The possibility of falling and dropping a bucket was also something I was afraid might happen. But I got it done with no drops of paint anywhere except where I wanted it. But now I'm exhausted. I've decided I probably won't need to paint again for 5 years, and by then my best option will be hiring someone else to do it.
That was more or less my entire weekend. Lisa and her sister Ellen dropped by in the middle of it but didn't stay very long. Had I not been painting I could have had some time to play with them. Lucky for me I was already busy. Just as I finished and had gotten 90 percent cleaned up I got a text from Carolyn complaining no one wants to hang out with her because she lost her job. Since I'd not been out all weekend I wanted to go for a drink. I had her come meet me at the bar. I was going there anyway so if she said no I would have been fine with that. But she came. We talked and then we went and had dinner. My only real social contact for the entire weekend. I even asked her to come back to my place but she decided to call it a night. Which was fine since I still had a box of my paint stuff in the middle of my living room.
It wasn't a special weekend but I am proud of myself for completing a home improvement project. Next I want to re-route my cable wire so it isn't as visible. Maybe next week or maybe next year.

Friday, February 24, 2012

I feel lucky.

All day yesterday I wanted to send messages to Lisa about what to do with getting her mortgage started, but I resisted until I was on the train at 5. I just asked her how it was going and apparently she is satisfied with having almost nothing started yet. Her attorney recommended she get a home inspector to look at the place she is buying which I thought was a bad idea. See, it's a $500 expense and for a co-op there is really very little to inspect. Everything to look at is right there. She is not responsible for the roof or the foundation so what would she be getting for her money. Before I could even tell her not to do it she had already made her mind up not to. But this does tell me a little about the attorney she is using. I'm thinking it's a real estate attorney who does not normally handle co-op sales. But I think Lisa is going with this one mostly because it's a woman. I can't really argue that.
Just from reading the above paragraph I can see I'm not sure if I can adequately say I can keep a proper distance. I need to wait for Lisa to ask before I push in too much. She has other people she will talk to. She still has no contract. I'm not sure when she will see that, I thought by now she would have. I told her she needs to get her money liquid, and she hasn't even started that. She requested another walk through on Sunday and she did ask me to accompany her. I guess we can look through everything and she can see what I have then.
Meanwhile I was considering getting a drink after work, but instead went to Staples to buy ink for my printer that keeps flashing a red light on the low ink indicator. While there I got a text message from Carolyn. Funny, there was only a little while ago I would have killed to be able to get her into my life. Now that she is I am almost wishing she would go away. I feel selfish and mean when I say that, but I have no idea where she is going with me. I made the mistake of allowing the parameters of or relationship to be as friends and I am only now realizing that Carolyn is mostly about her. That's probably an overstatement. After all when Tigger (my cat)went missing she did stay with me to make me feel better (Tigger was found the next day). But she has so many problems right now she really can't focus on anything else. She lost her job, she is being sued for custody of her kid, she is losing her house. The list just goes on and on. And none of there things has anything to do with me nor can I fix any of it.
Well, she needs help with her resume. So I offered to try. Actually, she wasn't even going to do it until I told her she needs to get herself up and make things happen. I should try and help. But I really don't want to.
Mostly I think that I am fortunate that I am only on the fringe with Carolyn. I can pretty much pick and chose what I do with her. And that is more her doing than mine. Lucky me, huh?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Train Blues

I missed the train again this morning. This time is was the cat's fault. I made the mistake of letting him wander around outside. On weekends he will typically be back at the door before I finish my coffee. But I guess he knows it's not the weekend and he was a good half hour before he magically reappeared. This was well past the point where I need to catch the train, so again I was on the later train. Not really a big deal but I do like to be at my desk earlier.
I have promised myself that from now until Easter I will start making more of an effort to get to the gym. My goal is to do 3 days during the week and then once more on the weekend. Last night was day one. For some reason my back has been giving me a little trouble. Nothing serious, just like a knife pressing on the small of my back. It is telling me I've been letting things go too long.
I had a couple text messages from Lisa about her mortgage. I have no idea what she has done. I have this urge to try and tell her exactly what to do, but this is her process and she needs to make her own way. If she should ask for things I will do what that is, and I will offer some assistance, but she needs to make her own decisions. I still don't know if she has told her guy, but I'm betting she has not. She is the queen of procrastinators and will put it off until it's to a point where she has to do it.
I guess that's it for now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My life and welcome to it.

I was on time for the train this morning so I think I have time to write a proper post. It was quite a weekend. Starting with Friday night. I reached out to Carolyn to see if she was willing to come out for dinner. She then dropped the bomb that she was let go at her job. In fact she had been out of work for a week. Which means her last day of work was the day that we had dinner. She knew all through dinner and didn't say a word. But that sadness was there. No wonder I was so depressed when I left. No wonder I felt it so difficult to call her after that. That black cloud she has is getting to where she is vary tough to spend time around. And yet I don't want to just abandon her. But this is something I can't totally get sucked into. So I keep a distance but still try to be helpful.
So last Friday night Carolyn was no up to seeing me. We made a plan for Saturday instead. Since she wasn't seeing Friday I went to the bar for a happy hour drink. I was only there a little more than an hour. I though maybe if I saw Coleen it might be fun but she wasn't there. I feel like I am better off, but I do miss her.
While there I got a call from Lisa. She was heading home from her own little happy hour. I know what she was doing even though I she didn't exactly tell me. She has been spending a lot of time with this guy from her office, Mark. I have not met Mark but Lisa has already confessed to me that they have been flirting with each other. I figure this is the reason why Lisa feels so strongly about breaking her engagement and moving to a new place. I knew it wasn't about me. But here is the kicker. Mark is married. It figures that the only guy she likes has a "situation". When I said that C (the guy she's leaving) does not have "edge" she stated that Mark has edge. So there is is then. That is when I knew there was something going on.
I spent Saturday afternoon with Carolyn. It was quiet. I mostly listened and tried to be supportive. I don't know what she is going to do. I do feel fortunate that we never really have been romantic. I don't feel guilty about keeping a certain distance. I don't know what is going to happen but I will only watch.
On Sunday Lisa let me know there was no activity as far as her getting a new place to live. But there was another one she could look at. This was actually one we had seen pictures of before we even started looking and were very anxious to see. It was our understanding that it had sold. When Lisa came by she had her sister with her. The three of us looked at the place and it was every bit as good as we had expected. And the price was right where she needed it. Lisa submitted an offer than it was accepted right away. Then we checked on the one Lisa still preferred and told them her price one last time. They said they needed to do a "short sale". Lisa looked into that and had pretty much decided she would not do that. As far As I know she was moving forward yesterday with going to contract and getting a co-op. It's just a few doors down from me. Yikes. I feel it will be nice to have a close friend as a neighbor. I just wish I wasn't so in love with her.
Monday I was off from work but I didn't do much. I had to work to do getting the marina bill paid so I can have my boat in it's place in the spring. It was great having little to do. I got a full relaxing day.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

More to come.

I have tons of stuff I was planning to put into a post today, but as I was leaving for the train this morning I couldn't locate my keys. I missed the regular train and then found the keys and had to take a later train. So the time I wanted to write the blog is lost. Perhaps I can make an additional post later with more detail. For now I will just post the highlights....
Carolyn lost her job. Lisa got a co-op in my development. I visited my brother Barry yesterday. I went for a walk yesterday and took some pictures down by the water.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Lisa makes an offer on a co-op

I have been giving Lisa advice about how to bid on her new co-op. The process is not as cut and dried as I thought it would be. She settled on what I could see as her perfect living space. It was listed at 170K just reduced from 180K just 10 days ago. I suggested she offer 140K with a hope of getting it for 150K. Her realtor said 135K would be a better starting point so that is what she went with.
And the process moved along. The dropped their price to 165K so Lisa immediately offered 145K. This is where things get a little fuzzy. The next number is 160K but I couldn't tell if that was from them or the realtor suggesting that they won't accept another offer less than that. Lisa made an offer of 150K late on Wednesday and at my suggestion shut it down. She wanted to make one more offer but I told her she should just stop and let the seller chew on it over night which she did.
I spoke to her early on Thursday and she said she planned to bump it up to 152K. The last thing I said to her was she should not make any offer more than 155K. But for some reason she was not getting any calls back from her realtor. This was making her crazy and in turn me as well. I really was thinking it would happen but it was quiet all day.
There are several co-op apartments that we looked at that Lisa liked so to hedge her bet she made an similar offer on another unit. But again she got little to no response. It was hard to tell from text messages we exchanged but it seems like she has become more than a little discouraged. I have this feeling that the seller for the first place told his rep that he was not entertaining any offers below 160K. I wanted to talk to her later Thursday but she stopped returning texts and I was unable to get her on the phone. Finally I got an email from her this morning. She just said she hopes something happens today. Unless she calls me I need to step back and let her manage the process. I know she will call me when she has any news.
Everything else has been relatively quiet. I feel like I should have reached out to Carolyn this week but I just haven't really thought about her too much. She hasn't been very talkative and I'm beginning to wonder if seeing her any more is really what I want to do. Other than having a nice dinner with her I do not find her very interesting. Seems like without the boat there isn't nearly as much for me to do with her. All she can think about right now is how her life is so hard. That got old a long time ago.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

SHUT UP (WAS:What is old is new and what is new is old.)

The strangest thing happened to me this morning. I saw a girl in the elevator who looked very familiar. I thought it was someone who left the company years ago. She looked really old. The girl I remember was young. Then she recognized me and I realized it was Karen. She works in another Department. We exchanged a quick hello and she told me she left and was just back. I said something stupid like "welcome back to the mother-ship".
I am flashing back to more than 10 years ago (maybe a lot more). I think Karen had a crush on one of the directors that I played on the softball team with. He was a married guy. I'd always wondered if her reason for leaving had something to do with that. I suspected they had an affair. Or at least they almost did. I remember getting into a discussion about why I wasn't that interested in her. I was attracted to her but I just had this bad vibe. Flash forward to today, married guy is still here and now divorced. He splits his time between this office and another one downtown. So of course I'm thinking her being here again is no coincidence.
Now she is older and more than a little heavier. But then who isn't. I'm sure she got married and has kids and stuff. Isn't it just like me to have one exchange outside an elevator and turn this into a whole drawn out thing.
I heard from the other women in my life yesterday. Carolyn sent me an email that said practically nothing. I feel bad that I didn't call her after Friday and I have this feeling she is being a little distant. I'm probably looking for something that isn't there. Then Lisa calls me as I am riding home on the train last night. She was very excited to be making an offer to buy a unit in my co-op. Things are moving along for her. You would think I would be really happy at the prospect of us being neighbors and I mostly am. But there is a little voice in my head that keeps saying this could turn out to be really bad. I keep telling the voice to shut up.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I will be fine

I know the deal. It's Valentines Day. Today I get to see all the flowers on desks and the TV is filled with reminders that there is love out these. Just not for me. Is it my own fault? Probably. So if I'm sad and lonely I have no one else to blame.
It's reality check day I think. If there was anyone who wants me in a romantic way it's not apparent to me. Who I want I can't have and who I can have I don't want. So I'll just move along today and try not feel like I'm missing anything.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Swing and a miss

I don't know what's wrong with me. All I felt like doing this weekend was sit inside and vegitate. I did see Carolyn on Friday night and she made a nice dinner. There was a really long slow kiss good night too. But I felt nothing. Suddenly I can't seem to hold any interest in Carolyn. And I really dropped the ball too because Carolyn wanted to plan a day out this weekend and I just couldn't do it.
You wonder why? It's Lisa. Gad dam Lisa, who I can't seem to get over. It's going on 10+ years and I still feel this way. I saw her Saturday morning st the gym and while at coffee afterwards she told me she is close to making her next step to move into a place away from her BF. Or ex-BF. Since Monday is her birthday I guessed she was planning at least to try and share a celebratory dinner with him. I knew she was planning to see her family on Sunday so I just figured I would not see her again. But I was home and just couldn't call Carolyn. I just wanted to stay around the house and chill all day.
So didn't get a call from any one so at 6 I went up to the bar and had a drink. I saw Coleen there and said hello. She wanted me to plan to go have dinner with her at our favorite Indian restaurant. But again I'm just not that interested any more. I have so many better options than her. While I was there I got a call from Lisa on the cell. She was upset and in tears. Yikes. Apparently the BF came home late and was not interested in anything special for Lisa's birthday. It's odd that she still thinks like that but in her mind she still has minimal expectations. And one of them is to have a dinner with the guy who she still discribes as her boyfriend.
She made a suggestion to have dinner with me. Of course I said I would. But she was still trying to figure out what she could do and it felt to me like there was a going to be an emotional discussion between them. I told her I was about to head home and she should call me later.
After about an hour I didn't hear from Lisa so I figured she and BF were having their dinner. I had a leftover pork chop ready to heat and eat. Just as I finished the phone rang and it was Lisa saying she wanted me to meet her at a restaurant for dinner. Yeah. I ate 2 dinners on Saturday night.
She was very quiet at first but at some point we started talking about books and movies and she started to feel more like herself. And with that I started to tell her more about how I feel. To make a long story short I asked her to come home with me and spend the night. She knew better than I that would not be the best thing for her. So that didn't happen. But it didn't feel like it was impossible either.
Sunday was me thinking about things. I just couldn't call Carolyn while all this is spinning in my head. I can't seem to get either one of them to move towards me anyway. At least I'm trying.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Skipped a day

Wednesday!? What happened to Tuesday? The week is already a blur. I guess I've had a lot of work. Certainly not like anything ever happens.
It feels like I've given up on the gym. I just can't seem to get myself to go. I am telling myself that I will commit to it for Lent. Ash Wednesday is in 2 weeks. So I guess I'm on a break until then.
I didn't hear from anyone yesterday. My cell phone was left at home so there wasn't much to do about that from work. But when I got home I didn't have anything that resembled a missed call or text message from anyone I know. No email either.
I remember on Sunday Carolyn wanted me to come for dinner. Either tonight or tomorrow night. I'll need to reach out to her since I doubt she will make the first move. I'm not sure I want to but I have to be careful to not get used to sitting home alone. Tonight would be three nights in a row. Nothing ever happens by just waiting.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mixed Emotions

Because the Giants won the Super Bowl. I'm still waiting for the Jets to just get there. Then the Giants win again! Ugh. It was the lesser of 2 evils because I detest the Pats even more than the Giants. Still, now having the have Giants fans laud over the whole thing is not good. So I'll move on. Or at least try.
The rest of the weekend went about the same as always. Carolyn called me in the middles of the week so I sent her a text message late in the day on Friday and the next thing I knew we were going out for dinner. Much of dinner was spent talking about her divorce proceeding. It's been moving at a snails pace. But she has resigned herself to it's inevitable outcome, which will require her to find a new place to live. So I listened but I'm not getting too involved. I asked her if the process will ever get to a point where she can start to plan her life a little. In other words if I make plans will I ever hear a response that isn't "I don't know what I can do". So I kind of told her that even though I can be a spontaneous person I do need to have a feeling of where I'll be from time to time. This my horrible attempt at telling her I won't be making any more plans around her and she needs to know that I'm not making those calls anymore. She barely flinched. So I just figured that would probably be the end of that.
So what happens Sunday? She calls me and offers to come and cook me dinner for the Super Bowl. This while I'm on the couch sipping wine with Lisa. Lisa wasn't staying so I told Carolyn that dinner would be great. I wasn't going to hide anything from either of them. After I hung up the phone I looked at Lisa and said, "Why did I just do that?"
The game was starting in less than 2 hours. I did have other options. Besides the bar I know my sister wanted me to come to her house. And Lisa said she would like it if I came with her to her sister's. But I wasn't really thinking I wanted to see Lisa and her boyfriend together after she had told me about their issues only hours before.
So then I pushed Lisa out the door and started getting the house ready for the game with just Carolyn. I had no idea how little Carolyn knows about football until the game actually started. Her first question was "how do they score points". She is absolutely clueless. Thank God she can cook a great dinner but really, where is this going if she has no idea of how the game works? I can't help wondering what she was doing there. I probably should have dragged her to the bar.
I made the best of it and lucky it was one of the most nail biting games ever. Last play of the game a 50 yard hail Mary pass into the end zone. It bounces incomplete. And Carolyn has her coat on and is out the door. No post game nookie. Again. I wonder if I would have enjoyed it more alone. Which in all honesty was going to be my primary option.
Now one little sidebar - Lisa has been looking for a new place to live and I have been tagging along. In the last 2 weekends we have seen more than a dozen different things. The ones in her price range were all not right for her and the ones we saw that she could see herself living in were all more than she can do. But not that far. The problem is she hasn't really nailed down her money yet. She thinks she has $45,000 in her retirement account she can draw from but she has no idea how much the taxes will take a bite out of it. We both figured the number is probably around $30K so if that is 20 percent she can spend about $150,000. Then we saw the perfect place and it's listed for $135K. But it's a no-pet co-op. And she has a cat. So we were mulling that over as we sipped wine. She is now leaning towards looking at my co-op. I am back and forth about how close I want her to be.
Lisa has her birthday just a week from today. Since I wasn't sure if I'd see her next weekend, because let's face it, she still lives with a boyfriend, I decided I needed to give her the present I had squirrelled away for her. Before she opened it she looked at me and said "You have no idea how much I needed something like this". She then told me how her weekend had gone. Apparently she and her boyfriend had a bad time the night before. Then Carolyn called and you know the rest.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I Am a Survivor

I've been holding off a bit this week from writing. I want there to be something big but there just isn't. One day rolls into the next and now another month has come and gone. I don't know what to make of February. It's a short month but seems like there are a lot of thing that happen. But probably not for this year.
Tomorrow is Ground Hog Day which by tradition indicates an early spring if the groundhog doesn't see his shadow. While I do not buy into the myth I do mark the day because it is now close to 6 weeks since the start of winter. The half way point. Next will be Ash Wednesday. Always somewhere between those days I start to notice the days beginning to lengthen. It won't bee long before the sun will be up as I leave the house in the morning. I've already noticed that my walk to the train in the afternoon is in sunshine. I've been fortunate to not have snow to deal with as the only snowfall of significance occurred on a Saturday. It's still 2 months until April but at least it may start to look closer. I've always felt like Ash Wednesday occurs at the deadest part of winter but then we have Easter and the renewal that brings. I do have some good memories of Easter. I always put away the dullness and dreariness of winter and begin the process of being optimistic. Up until then it's just a matter of survival.