Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Fly High

Today is the big day. I get paid today and already the entire amount is pretty much all allocated. But I anticipate my next move will be to apply for a new 401K loan which will take 5 to 7 business days. I figure to have that money in my account by next Friday. So I am holding off sending out some of my bills so I at least have some pocket money.
My first purchase was to buy tickets to a show that Carolyn is anxious to go to. The date of the show is 2 weeks from tomorrow so I won't have long to plan things. It's in NYC so I'll need to figure out where to go before and maybe even after.
I made several phone calls last night. At least one was way over due. I called Janet who I have not seen socially since the summer. We chatted for about an hour. We made plans for the weekend. As I was doing it I wasn't even sure where I thought this was going. But no one has asked me for any commitment. Freebird.
Then my next phone call was to Carolyn. We discussed the plan of going to the show. I told her I would make it happen as soon as I was in the office. Mission accomplished.
Then I had a text message from Lisa. She is so unhappy. She needs to decide what she wants. She is my oldest friend, but I've also had a crush on her for so long. She knows it. I'm moving on.
I really want to be more assertive now. I can't use the excuse of having no power. I feel that I have all my responsibilities accounted for. Now I want to put my needs out there. How that happens I'll have to wait and see.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

No More Poor Me

Today might me my last day where I need to count every penny. When I get paid tomorrow I have completed paying back my 2 year loan against my 401K. I've already decided to take another loan but for a lesser amount. My plan is to pay off every other debt I have. There is $2000 I owe my brother and $2000 I have on my Visa. Then I want to make sure I have my boat covered for the next year. Maybe another $3500. My math says I can take a loan and make payments and still clear about $600 more a month that I have been the last 2 years.
I'm really only putting this into the blog because I'm wondering if this will change my life. For as long as I remember I've felt fairly powerless. My situation got so bad I felt like I needed to hold back from everything. I guess there was a time when I was doing all the things I wanted to do and couldn't really afford. I would even give things away to people who I thought really cared about me. I'm never gong to be wealthy but I should be able to enjoy the things other people get to enjoy. A trip every year, going out to dinner and paying the check. How about being able to pay my bills as soon as they arrive and not counting down until payday.
It is my goal that I can be this way and not ask for more than that. I also think - and I hate that this may even be true - but I think if I can feel like I can take a woman out and pay for it that I will feel like "the man". I believe this empowerment will generate an attractiveness that has been missing for a long time.

Monday, November 28, 2011

One day down and one day up.

What a crazy weekend I had. In the 4 days that I had off there was like a pendulum swinging back and forth, from great to terrible. Things start off pretty bad as I had work issues that pretty much ruined my chance to leave early on Wednesday, then Tigger goes AWOL for more than a day from Wednesday until almost midnight Thursday. There was also Carolyn calling me to tell me her daughter's car was leaking oil in the driveway. Not really leaking as much as pouring out of it. That seemed like it would be pretty bad and when she looked for me to help I wasn't confident that this would end well at all.
So Wednesday night was about as bad as bad can be. Then by Friday everything got resolved. Tigger was home and I had arranged for Carolyn's car to get fixed and it turned out to be a relatively minor repair that was completed by noon. Even the broken clothes dryer at Carolyn's that had been broken for almost a month was repaired.
Late Friday I went to Carolyn's and finished raking the leaves in her yard. There are about 50 bags in front of her house. I considered spending Friday night with her but I'd made plans to see a show with Lisa. In a really strange twist it is Lisa's fiance Carmine that fixed the car. It was Lisa who got the tickets to see a comedian (Jim Bruer for SNL) and I assumed he was coming along with Lisa's sister and brother-in-law. But Lisa said it wasn't his scene, what ever that means.
Okay, strap in because the ride gets a little bumpy here. Lisa no sooner gets in the car when she tells me she wants out of her life with Carmine. I've always been attracted to Lisa but it's never amounted to anything so I just let her tell me about what is bothering her. But we both wanted to have a good time so she just kind of said it's a struggle with someone like Carmine and then changed the subject. I was fine with that. On to the show. Turns out she didn't want Carmine going at all. The show was great. On the way out Lisa actually hooked her arm in mine, which was difficult for me to distinguish as a friendly gesture or an urge to get close. For the sake of my sanity I assumed it was friendly.
With that I dropped her at home where she and Carmine live together. I figured they would work things out and I had plans for Saturday with Carolyn. She wanted to go fishing of all things. While my boat is pretty much closed up for winter, I am storing it in the water so I could have it ready to go in just a few minutes. It was such a warm day we were out on the water until sunset. Having some alone time with Carolyn both Wednesday night and again on Saturday I started to ask her about where we are going. I was pretty much throwing myself at her. All I get back from her is how her life is so messed up she can't risk being with anyone. At this time all I want to do is kiss her, but she will have none of it. Without getting too into it, her pending divorce is about as insane as I've ever seen. Her whole life is lawyers, and court appearances. She is always thinking she is being watched. It's not paranoia as I am pretty sure her ex-husband has hired a private investigator that watches her.
So we talk and talk. I've explained to her that these things don't matter to me as I run the same risk either as a friend or more than a friend. But she's not ready. So we end the night Saturday going for drinks and dancing a little and I give her a kiss goodnight smack on her lips, but no tongues. Never going anywhere.
I awake on Sunday morning alone like always. My cell phone chirps with a text message but I'm not getting up for it for at least an hour. It was Lisa. She wanted to come by but I had some errands to do. The boat was not ready for cold weather so i needed to get that done but I said I'd be home by about 2. I had considered going to watch the football game at the bar. I suggested I stop by her house but Lisa said she wanted to see me at my house. Lisa loves to just relax in her living room on a Sunday so something was up.
Lisa comes in and I offer her some wine. I was engrossed by the football game. Then her cell phone rings and she took it outside. Odd I think. So when she returned I asked what was up ... I kind of knew what was coming. "He doesn't love me" blah blah blah. So I turn off the TV and I listen. I tell her how it isn't her and that he has intimacy issues and anything else I could think of. She said she needs to move out but she has no money. Now I have an extra room in my house that I use as an office, so I said to her she could move in and have that for as long as she needs it. I told her she could move and and save some money. I have no idea how that would even work. But it did make her feel stronger. I told her about how my relationship with Carolyn is. No one has it all figured out.
Two bottles later she told me she hasn't given up on Carmine yet. But it's coming. She left for home at 6 and I spent the rest of the night wondering how this will play out. I feel like I am about to turn a corner but which direction is still not clear to me.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Lost Cat on Thanksgiving

I had quite a rollercoaster ride for my Thanksgiving. Things started to go very bad at work on Wednesday. I had expected an easy quiet day. But then I got involved with a production support issue that forced me to work late. And I had planned to leave early. Oh, well. I've always looked these things as part of the job.
So I had a tentative plan to see Carolyn and since I got home so late I wasn't sure what to expect. But I got home fed my cat Tigger and as part of his usual routine I let him outside and figured he would be back inside in 20 minutes and then I would go. After 20 minutes I went outside to find him and he was no where to be found. This is not that unusual and I figured he would just take his sweet time coming home. It was a little cold so I figured he would be home within an hour tops. Well, long story short he did not come home at all. As I grew more concerned I wouldn't leave. So Carolyn agreed to come to me and cook dinner at my house. So we ate and waited. I kept going outside and looking for him. I was feeling like something really bad had happened.
I went to bed with him still not home. I had a restless night and got up several times to see if he was at the door. When I needed to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner I was almost not going to go. But I just couldn't sit at home any more. I returned home several time to check and by the time I was done for the day I decided to create a "LOST CAT" poster to circulate. By this time I had pretty much convinced myself he was gone for good. I spent more than an hour working on it and before going to be I put one up on my front door figuring if someone had seen him they might knock on my door.
I taped it up and then stood on the sidewalk to see if the print was big enough. As I was out near the street I suddenly heard a cat noise. I listened and didn't hear anything for about 30 seconds. Then I heard it again. It sounded a bit muffled and I thought he was inside another persons house. I crossed the street and called his name. He called back and that was when I realized he was locked inside a parking lot just across the main road. It's a car dealership lot full of brand new Range Rovers. The fence has barbed wire so I was not anxious to go over it. As I kept calling him I could hear him coming closer bit I couldn't see him through the vinyl fence. I kept calling his name and moving along the fence looking for an opening. Sure enough I found a spot in the fence wide enough for Tigger to fit through. I still hadn't seen him so I was even sure if it was him until I saw him poke his head through the hole. What a relief to finally have him again. I don't mind telling you I got a little emotional when I got him home.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Is there such a thing as Thanksgiving Eve?

Even though I have no specific agenda I feel the urge to post something today. I'm in the office and not many other people are in so it's fairly quiet. I have some hope to make an early exit at about 3 PM. There is a 3:27 train and I want to be on that one.
When I get home I have a tentative plan to go see Lisa as she and her sister Ellen prepare their Thanksgiving. I'll need to buy a pie so I should do that as well. Then I might see Carolyn although once again there is no commitment. I need to start assuming it's a lock but I can't quite ever be sure. The last option is I can always stop down at the bar and say hello to that crowd. I'm sure I'll see Coleen there and she will insist that I stop at her house before I go to my sister's on Thursday. It's stupid that I still want to see her. I already told her it was going to be a busy day. If I don't go I will miss her.
With that my weekend begins. The rest of the weekend is probably going to be casually planned. I may try and do something constructive but we will have to wait and see. I'm sure if a friend says let's do something I'll go along.
Somewhat off topic, I got a distressed phone call yesterday from my not-that-close of a friend Loni. I know her because she has been cutting my hair for longer than I can imagine. She called because she is in a financial bind. I told her I am pretty much tapped out but that if it was something that could be pushed off a few weeks I was about to turn the corner on my money situation and I might be able to help then. She must be pretty desperate as she agreed that should could make that work. It would amount to a substantial loan. It would be money that I would be holding on to for my spring launch for the boat. It would be a big problem if she can't pay me back. Still I think I will help her out as she was very much there for me years ago when it seemed no one else would. Hopefully there is some karmic force that will make this work out.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Fear and Loathing in the Frozen Food Aisle

I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me at the grocery store last night. I'm not sure what came over me.
I touched base with Carolyn via email during the day and she mentioned she would be getting her Thanksgiving shopping done after work. She was making a trip to BJ's box store then the grocery store. I needed to get my allergy shots and the grocery store is on the way so I told her I could meet her there and maybe we could get dinner afterwards. It worked out that I was there about 20 minutes ahead of her. So i grabbed a cart and started working my way through the aisles.
Some days I go the the store, I walk down putting things into my cart and I have no trouble at all. This was not one of those days. It seems like all the stupid people were shopping at the same time. Between the people why basically block the entire aisle searching the shelves for the one item they need while oblivious to the 4 or 5 people standing trying to just get by. And then there are the Nascar shoppers who come careening around the store like the last item on the shelf is about to disappear. There were all there. Since Carolyn wasn't even there I knew I could take my time, but all that did was allow me to just stand and watch how badly behaved people can be. That is until I became one of the bad people.
Typically I shop the ice cream last. Makes sense since I don't want it to melt, right. I know it's not hot out and it's not really a problem in November, but it's a routine. So I place my cart out of the way and start looking for my favorite flavor ... chocolate-chip cookie dough. I can't find it. Normally when I don't find my favorite I would just grab a vanilla/chocolate/strawberry combo which I did do. But since Carolyn still had about a third of the store left I had plenty of time to search. So I'm looking at the case digging past the other flavors like fudge ripple and banana split and I decide since it seemed like there was no cookie dough I started hunting for black cherry. While doing that this 30-ish woman starts looking as well. Then out of the corner of my eye I see she uncovered a cookie dough. She didn't seem to want it and I just went "ooh" and reached for it. She just exclaimed "oh my God", and started to run away. I just said "oh, did you want this", and started to hand her over the ice cream. She just said no she didn't but she'd never seen anyone do that before. I guess I was that bad. I felt really small. What may have made it worse is she was cute and was wearing a Block Island sweatshirt, one of my favorite places. I had this picture in my head of me chasing her around the store saying "here, take this ice cream". Like I'm some kind of crazy person.
At that I was done shopping. I really needed to get out of there. Carolyn was almost done so I headed for the checkout line. Carolyn was actually still 10 minutes behind me so I had to wait at the front of the store while she finished. Never saw the woman again, thank God.
We had a nice dinner and I told her the ice cream story. All she had to say was we needed to order quick so that ice cream wouldn't thaw in the car. Yeah, that would be bad if I never even eat the ice cream.

Monday, November 21, 2011

What am I doing?

I am struggling with communication issues right now. I stayed in on Friday, sort of. If you read my last post I indicated that I had asked Carolyn what she had planned. Her answer as always was vague and I had no idea whether she wanted to include me or not. So when I hadn't heard from her by 6:30 I went ahead and heated up some leftovers I had saved in the fridge. Well, sure enough right as I finished washing dishes she calls. I told her I ate already and her reaction was that I was a creature of habit. Well, yeah, I get home from work and I'm hungry I'm going to eat. I told her I'd like to go hear some music not far from where she lived. She AGAIN would not give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she just wanted to stay in. I go all the way over there and call her up and she says she is cleaning the house and won't be going out. I suggested I could come there but she shut me down there too. I didn't want to just sit alone in a bar so from there I turned it back around and was home.
It wasn't such a bad thing since I was able to get myself up early and get into the gym for a workout. After that I called her up... or did she call me? I forget. I went to her house and we spent most of the afternoon raking a ton of leaves in her yard. I also climbed on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. They were a mess. After finishing the yard we relaxed with a glass of wine. Then Carolyn told me she had evening plans with some friends (no male friends) so I figured I would call it a day by five. I was beat anyway.
On the way home I stopped at the bar and had a couple more glasses of wine. Nothing big, but I did get to see Coleen there with her boyfriend. She gave me a big hello but I wasn't in the mood to go chitchat with her while she is on a date. It did seem like she was staring my way a lot. She probably really wasn't but I'll just have my little fantasy and leave it at that.
Saturday I had planned to move my boat from it's summer spot to it's winter slip in the marina but I convinced myself it was too windy. I told Carolyn that if we can get all the leaves done I would expect her to come and help me with the boat on Sunday. We didn't even come close. I figured if she was going to finish the yard work on Sunday I shouldn't even consider asking her for help. My bro-in-law Kenny helped me instead. That got done and by one o'clock we were watching the football game.
Fast forward to 10 PM. I'm home on the couch and my phone rings and it's Carolyn. She was passing by on the way home and though she could stop in. Sure I'll open a bottle of wine. Her first question was why didn't I call her for help with the boat. Again I feel like I mis-communicated somewhere. I can't quite figure out from one day to the next whether I should consider making her part of what I do. I keep holding back because when we are together I get nothing from her that says she really wants to change our dynamic. But then I'm sitting with her on my couch on a Sunday night. Didn't see that coming at all.
But I still sent her home last night without anything changing. And now I think it's me that is hesitating.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Where am I going, Where have I been

Coming to the end of another work week. I'm not sure about how this weekend will play out. I have been getting myself out there a little more since I now have a little cash to play around with.
Wednesday night I enjoyed a dinner with Carolyn and that was fine but last night I found myself wandering into the bar in hopes of saying hello to Coleen. Of course she was there because she is always there. Mostly I was wondering if she and her boyfriend were still on the rocks. They aren't. Whatever was wrong two weeks ago they seemed to have patched up. So I broke her chops a little about how she hasn't called me in 2 weeks.
So naturally when she suggested I stop at her house Thanksgiving morning I sort of said "what for?"
She said "You always stop in on Thanksgiving". Really? Maybe I need to look that up. I do recall going there last year. I'm still kicking myself for doing that. Then why am I even looking to talk to her at the bar? Because stupid is what stupid does.
Last thing she says is I should call her. I know I shouldn't but we will see. If I'm lucky something else will grab my attention.
Which is why I sent a message to Carolyn to see if we could get together later. Her response was typically ambiguous. She said she needs to stop somewhere after work but maybe after that. What does that mean? 6:30, 7:30, 8:30 or 9:30 ... I don't know.
with that I'll be heading home in a few wondering if I'll even get out the door tonight.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dinner together but breakfast alone

I cooked dinner for Carolyn last night. I tried really hard to make everything just right and for the most part it was an enjoyable evening. not very romantic though. I think if I want to it will have to come from somewhere else. I don't want to spin this wrong, but Carolyn just has too much darkness in her life to be open to anything. There is so much tension there it feels like I'll never break through. Maybe there is a little bit of me that doesn't really want to as well.
Carolyn arrives and I've got dinner in the oven and salad made so we can just sit on the couch for 30 minutes and relax. But as soon as she sits down she starts talking about lawyers, and hearings and how she is getting screwed by the judge. So right away I'm talking her off the ledge so she doesn't jump. I mean that metaphorically. For the most part I succeeded as by the time dinner was ready the conversation had become less tense and I could feel a little more relaxed.
During dinner we talked about how she misses having family dinners. Her daughter has been away at school and her son pretty much just eats and runs and lately he has been eating before Carolyn gets home. So we talked about making dinner more of a regular event, which she was more than a little evasive about and before I could get more into that her cell phone rings.
Her 14 year-old has a therapist/psychologist/shrink. It was her on the phone. I figured she needed a little privacy so I cleared the table and did the dishes while she went into the living room. That took about 5 or 10 minutes. When I joined her on the couch she was still talking and also crying. It must have been a stressful conversation. I know they were talking about Carolyn's ex-husband and how her son refuses to talk to the dad. I don't really want to get involved but the level of tension was through the roof. As she was getting upset on the phone I made a move just to hold her hand. I figured she might be reassured by that. Nope. Just kind of pulled away.
At some point she did end her conversation with the shrink and we talked about that for a long time. Not really the most romantic conversation. Things lighted up a little but so much darkness and tension to be honest it was a relief when at 9:30 she said she needed to get home. After she left it took a glass and a half of wine before my mood became more normal.
I don't know what it is about me. Some men would push all the bad stuff aside but I just can't.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Big Dinner Coming

Struggling with allergies again. Bad day for this since I'm planning to have Carolyn come for dinner tonight. Hopefully at some point the pill I took this morning will kick in and I can put the kleenex away. I can only imagine how big a turn-off it must be to sit and watch me wheeze and sneeze.
I decided to make my homemade baked ziti. I spent 2 hours last night doing the prep work and there is now a pan in my refrigerator that is ready for the oven. Just need to pre-heat the oven then cook for 45 minutes and viola! dinner. It is a work day so I don't expect it to be a late night but I'm certainly open to anything. I haven't gotten a woman into my bed since April. I should be happy just to have someone to spend the evening with.
So I have wine and cheese, dinner ready for the oven, music is picked out and I even have my cleaning lady there today so all should look nice.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Planning a dinner

Being late, not getting enough sleep and having a new blade in my razor can be a very bad combination. I gave myself a nice cut this morning that looks worse than it is. These things usually heal in a day. The reason I didn't sleep was because my phone rang at about 2 AM with a support call from Operations at work. Worse yet is was a problem the resulted from my change. So I looked at it and realized I could resolve it when I come in and sent them instructions and went back to bed. But by then I was fully awake. It probably took 45 more minutes before I finally relaxed enough to sleep again. Needless to say I'm somewhat exhausted today.
I made a call to Carolyn last night. Once again she is just a ball of stress. This time it's her daughter Monica that is making her crazy. Monica is away at school in New Paltz and Carolyn found out yesterday that Monica has a 104 degree fever. She went to the campus medical facility and they recommended she go to the hospital, which she refused to do. Instead she went back to her dorm room and went to bed, which I figure is probably the best thing. I'm sure she was out like a light, so when Carolyn couldn't get a hold of her she reached out to the police who went to the school to make sure she wasn't comatose. In my eyes she was over-reacting, but since I have no kids I can't really say I have her perspective. Carolyn was all set to go up there and bring her home. All I could do is listen. I think maybe she needs that.
Before ending our conversation I suggested she come to my house for dinner on Wednesday night. She said yes. In all time we've spent together the last 6 months or so Carolyn has never seen my house. I was about to stop asking and just was starting to assume she was never going to be that interested. So I was a little surprised that she said okay. Now I need to start thinking about what to cook. I know I shouldn't over think this. Carolyn would be happy as long as we have some wine and cheese.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Tide and Time wait for no man

I've got a few minutes. That's plenty of time for what my life is right now. There is always a change I get on a pretty good rant and then this gets out of control. When I wake up tomorrow morning I'll have money again. I made it through the weekend with only having to do a few things. I had to get cat litter. If you have owned a cat then you know that is not something you should ever run out of. And now that Tigger is getting older it seems he uses it more. And it seems much more smelly now than it used to be. Poor guy, it sucks to get old. He's not so old her can't catch the occasional rodent. He brought home what I think was a mole, although it was so chewed up I may have been a mouse. Yuck. It's the second one since spring.
I managed to make it to today with the same $5 bill that I had last Monday. My Visa has all on $5 left on the credit line. My checking balance still has $69 but there is a $60 debit still pending so really there is less than $10.
Tomorrow I get paid and from that I will immediately pay my mortgage, and Visa. That's about $1000. Then $50 for the cleaning lady. Another $140 for car insurance. $10 for the gym membership. I think I'll have about $500 left. And then there will only be just one last payment on my loan. On December 2nd I will be free to take another loan. I'll need to do the math on that and see if it works.
With all those money issues hanging over me I didn't get out at all over the weekend. I tried to call Carolyn but never got a return call. I'm fine with that. Couldn't do anything with her anyway. I got my boat all winterized. I only need to secure it into a winter spot in the marina. Basically I just move to a slip that is a little more protected. Next weekend or Thanksgiving, still not sure.

Friday, November 11, 2011

BINARY DAY 11-11-11

Finally Friday. Not sure what I'm rejoicing for. Not expecting much of a weekend. I have a hard time getting to sleep last night. I made the mistake of having a glass of soda after 9 PM and I'm sure the caffeine was what did it. Then I got up late this morning and now I'm starting my day about 45 minutes later than usual.
I have been finding myself really annoyed at work this week. I'm thinking the managers have no idea where they are taking us as an organization. The Director was hired because he was supposed to be an Electronic Data expert but all he has done for the last month is micro manage us to a point that no one knows what he wants. And now he has mandated that we create all new partner profiles but has not solid reason for it. It's insane and I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut which I know will cost me. I'm working on that.
I called Carolyn last night and had a somewhat uncomfortable conversation. She told me a little about her adverturous work week. Apparently her boss - the owner of the company - has been having a fling with a woman he met in Florida and while he is not married he does have a committed relationship so he has to sneak around. Carolyn gave all the sorted details about that. I found it diffecult to pay attention. I can't explain it but it's such a struggle talking to her. I seem to run out of things to say within a minute or two and it always feels like I abruptly end the conversation. I couldn't make plans although when I made a suggestion or two Carolyn was just not committing to anything. Not even a maybe. But not a "no I'm busy" either. When I hung up with her I said I would call her after work today but for the life of me I can't think of why. i think i just wanted to get off the phone. This is not good. I wonder if i can talk about this.
So there is no plan tonight. I'm not financially able to do much of anything. If Carolyn agrees to just relax near home I'll see her otherwise it will be just me and the cat this weekend. I need to move things around in storage so I'll be plenty busy.
One more day closer to money. PAYDAY IS 5 DAYS AWAY.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A lot about nothing

Got nothing today. I'm just 1 day closed to getting paid. The countdown is not T minus 6 days and counting. There is a weekend between then and now so I'll be spending my time this weekend doing little to nothing. I did spend $20 last night on groceries. I needed stuff to make for lunch as there is no way I'm not getting lunch. I put it on the charge card, which still has about $35 left before hitting the max. So here are my numbers ... a $5 bill in my pocket, a balance of less than $10 on checking and a Visa with less than $40. On the plus side my utilities, cable, phone and insurance bills are up to date. The winter fee for boat storage is covered until December. My next big bill is my $800+ mortgage on the 15th.
There are things I'd like to buy but nothing I need to buy so all in all I'm about okay. My dilemma is that Carolyn is back from her trip and my guess is she will want me to come around and do something. I'll either beg off or confess my broke-ness. She is fairly understanding and we aren't getting romantic so there is little point to me being evasive. It's just the shame factor that makes it tough. Not a lot of pride left for a man when too broke to even buy coffee.
I made a stop at my sister's last night since she has been giving me a hard time about not coming around more. I get there and her driveway is full of cars. Obviously she was having company. So I never went in. I guess I will try again later this week.
I made through 2 days without hearing from Coleen. I'm tempted to reach out to her but I'm afraid to start falling into the old routine where I see her but she sees me only as an alternative. There is something going on but I'm not anxious to be a part of that. But the CMA's are on TV tonight so I may just see if she is watching. I really need to not like her so much but it really is hard.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

And now for something different

This is somewhat off topic from my usual blog posts but what the heck, it's my blog and I can do what I want. I'm probably going to jinx it but I've somehow managed to be in first place in my fantasy football league. After last year's last place finish I was considering why I was still involved. I have a tendency to latch on to players that are about over the hill. For some reason this year I've been rolling nothing but sevens, so to speak. After 9 weeks I am 7 and 2. There are only 4 weeks to go and while there are a lot of teams at 6 and 3 there is only one other team tied with me.
My QB is the DET guy Matt Stafford and since he had last week off I needed to pick up someone. My draft got so messed up I didn't have a back up that was playing. I started the season with Carson Palmer, got nervous and dropped him for Jon Beck. Since neither one was playing I dropped Beck when Chad Henne got hurt and took a flyer on Matt Moore. I considered dropping him to Tim Tebow but decided to ride it out. And what does Moore do last Sunday but have the game of his life. 3 TDs and no INTs. I needed a kicker and saw Nick Folk out there for the Jets and snapped him up. He goes to Buffalo and kicks a 50 and 40 something yard FG and gets me 10 points. And I end up winning by 5 so I needed every point. It's crazy but all my moves so far have worked out.
I'm already looking toward next weeks match. The guy I play has a team loaded with Dallas. He has the Dallas coach, defense, kicker and quarterback (Romo). Dallas plays Buffalo and he also has the top Buffalo runningback (Jackson). So it looks like my fate will depend almost on just one game. I need Buffalo to win but not so much that Jackson scores a lot. Of course if my guys score it won't matter what happens.
Not much else going on. My money situation is still bad. $5 in my pocket and less than $10 in my account. My Visa still has a few $$ so I'm close to the edge but not over it. Payday is next Tuesday and there are no bills due until after that. Just will need to be a quiet weekend. I don't want to borrow any money. I still have December 10 targeted for getting money from 401k. Then maybe life can ease up on me.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Things happen ....

When I least expect it. On Saturday I got a text message from Coleen. For some strange reason I'd been thinking about her a lot lately. I'd been missing her. I know she was now involved with this guy Tommy and last I'd heard she was about half moved in with him so I had tried to put her out of my mind and felt like I had been fairly successful. I had been spending a lot of time with Carolyn so it has been easy to not think about Coleen.
But for some strange reason I found myself in the bar on Friday night half hoping she would be there. She was not. So I just chalked it up to her no longer being around and that I was probably better off.
Saturday morning I decided I needed to make it into the gym. I called Lisa up because I just needed someone to push me to go. But she had met her sister at the gym on Friday. So I gave myself a pep talk and went to the gym. My allergies are still really bad so it was a very difficult work out. In fact I pretty much quit half was through. I grab my stuff and head for the car and before pulling out I noticed my phone has a text message. It was Coleen saying "hey stranger". In was only from a minute before. Would that be "kismet"?
I call her up and she says she had been having an urge for Indian food for lunch and would I like to go. She wanted to drive so she picked me up and we spent the afternoon together, as friends like we have always been. I had no idea why suddenly she was available until much later. At about dinner time she said she was going to make her parents dinner and we should go out on Sunday and watch football. I was not sure but said I would let her know Sunday. I was becoming suspicious as to why she wasn't hanging out with her boyfriend and I even asked about it. She said her was working but he can't be working around the clock. But I just let it go.
On Sunday she sent me a text asking me to come out for the game and I felt like it would be fun. So I met her at the bar. She invited me to dinner and that was she said she was moving her stuff out of Tommy's house as she wasn't planning to spend any time there. Immediately I realized why she was around.
They must have had a fight. I don't want to play this out. It always ends badly for me. It not like I don't know what I'm doing. I just shouldn't get my hopes up. I know she just wants me around until either she makes it up with Tommy or she finds her next thing. I'll never be the "It" guy.
I wish I could handle these things better. Carolyn is away and I made a promise to check on things at her house. I should probably focus on that.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Allergy Blues.

I have been suffering from my allergies for way too long now. My allergist warned me a few months ago that I was not getting my shots as often as I should. There is an assortment of reasons as to why I had been going about every 2 months or so. First it is money, it costs $25 each time I go and while at the moment it doesn't seem like much it usually ends up a problem when I'm making choices between gas or food or allergy shot. Seems like the shot always goes to the bottom of my priority list. Then there is the fact that since I'd moved a year and a half ago I am now a full 45 minutes from the Doctor's office. I've made inquiries to find an Allergist closer but the only day available is Thursday and I need an appointment and I keep forgetting.
Since I hadn't shown any symtoms I kept blowing things off but now I've been stuffed up since I've been back from florida and I wasn't doing so great before I left for vacation. I know it's my own cat doing it to me but I can't blame Tigger. It's not like he wants me to be allergic. So even though I got my shots on Monday I'm getting worse every day. I've started to double dose the Zyrtec by taking one at night and another in the morning. It has had little or no effect.
My only real hope is that by December I'll be able to cash out some 401k money and be able to afford the additional expense. You see, before I purchased my Co-op I took a 2 year note against the 401k and it now has just one more month left. That is $800 a month. I figure to bang out another 2-year loan for $9000. I calculated my payments to be about $400 monthly. So I can increase my income a little less but I can take the money and pay off everything and maybe have some extra for whatever rainy day I might see. Right now I owe my brother Brian $2000, my dentist $140, and my winter storage for the boat is another $800. And I would love to rid myself of my $2000 Visa debt. I can do all that and still have $4000. I have December 10th circled on my calendar.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Not Complaining but

I just got paid and already I'm down to less than $100 until November 15th. And it's only November 1. All the bills are out until then so it's not as if I'm in any real trouble but it's anther pay period where I need to watch every cent. I bought all the groceries I'll need as well so I'm not starving. But I doubt I'll be taking anyone out to dinner for the next 2 weeks. Thank God I at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. You see I have this loan payment to my 401k that is sucking $800 a month out of my paycheck that is all done after December 1. Then i have a decision to make as to whether I take another loan and pay off my Visa bill and get rid of several other debts - I know I want to pay my brother Brian the $2000 I owe. I wish I could leave it be and just take the extra $800 a month towards that but I am not sure if I should leave ot there for him. I would alos like to just dispose of the Visa bill and also leave myself with a little extra cash.
All of this has me toning down what little social life I still have left. Less to write in the blog I guess. I relative sure no one wants to read about this stuff, I mean I don't even want to read it. It feels like I've lived my whole life this way. Never having more than a few dollars in my pocket. Thing is when I do have a little more pocket money I end up in a bad place. That's what may have led to my problems in the spring of 2009. That was when I needed to give up alcohol from May to August. You can go back and read alla about it.