Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Yesterday I was thinking I had heard the last from Coleen, but again I was wrong. I got a text from her while I was having lunch. She had the day off for a medical appointment. The appointment was cancelled so naturally she had to tell me. Like the pathetically co-dependent loser I am I actually responded. She was home with nothing to do and I was bored at work so I picked up the phone and spoke to her. I found myself hoping to see her but I wasn't going to ask. When she mentioned something about seeing her girlfriend Jami I thought the best thing would be to let it go. Besides I had some errands to do. I suspect her plans were a lie anyway. When it comes to plans she will only commit to me when all other options appear to be eliminated.
I'm planning a party to christen my new home. I'm there almost 5 months so it's about time. I need to formulate a guest list. I want the number to be small but I don't want to exclude anyone who I call friend. I don't know if Coleen qualifies. Right now I'm considering not telling her but I'm sure it's not something I can do without her knowing. She calls me more than anyone else so I'm sure she would like to be there. I think. It's a problem I'll need to address soon. No one seems to like her much so I don't think she would be missed by anyone except me. I don't know what I want. Maybe it will sort itself out over the next 10 days or so.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday night I enjoyed a nice dinner with some married friends, Mariana and John, that I've know for a very long time. They just told me that they are expecting twins. Mariana had a lot of trouble with some prior events and I had thought they were not going to have children. But when she told me I gave her a big hug and shook John's hand.
I needed to get up early on Saturday so it was not a late night but I still didn't make it home about midnight. In the morning I headed over to my brother Barry's house and we did some winterizing to his boat and then went to a Power Boat Club BBQ. It is an all male event that takes place every October and I've been attending off and on for almost 20 years. It was okay but I have no spouse to get away from so it's not really the big event for me that it is for others.
I did get a call from Coleen while I was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her so at first I let it go to voice mail. But then I felt guilty and called her back. Why I can't just give her the boot once and for all I just don't know. She keeps reaching out to me and there is some stupid emotion in me that wants that. When I said I was busy all day she said I should call her the next day.
Sunday morning I was up early. My goal was to do a good workout in the gym with Lisa. But Lisa didn't show up until I was just about to finish. But we did go out for coffee afterwards so it was nice to relax and talk. I talk to her about my friends and she is very good about listening and giving me her perspective.
Then I got home and made the call to Coleen like I said I would. I considered blowing her off but again there is something that won't let me. I still hadn't seen her since that night she had gone home with Dean ... or rather went to his house after a booty call and then I had to stalk her to find out. Ugh ... I need to remind myself just how toxic this is. But our conversation was short as she was out with her aunt and I felt I had done my obligation. I called like I said I would. I don't recall how I left it.
The afternoon was warm and I went down to the boat and at the last minute I decided I was going to take a short sail. I called my sister who wouldn't go, then tried Chris who also was busy. I considered calling Coleen but I just knew that would be a mistake. So I went out alone and enjoyed that as much as I could. The little voice in my head says I should do more of that.
When I returned back to the dock there was still time before dinner so I went to the bar ... probably because I knew Coleen would be there and of course she was. There were others there too. Coleen was a little upset that I didn't consider her to go out on the boat. I think she was even a little mad. She really didn't say 2 words to me and even left without even a good bye. I guess I made that bed and now I'll have to lie in it. It will still be hard to do. I will keep busy and just not dwell on it any more. Good luck with that.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I saw the facebook of a girl I once had a thing with and sent her a friend request. It was more than 15 years since we last spoke so I'm not even sure why I did it. While she was nice to me ... slept with me on the first day we met ... I never ever felt like I was in love with her. She was in my town on vacation so things between us moved at an accelerated rate. After she went home ... more than 1000 miles away... I went and visited her once and we stayed connected through phone calls for over half a year. But I didn't like the long distance and she was talking about moving here so I broke it off. Another friend tells me she is still very much single. My feeling about her haven't really changed but I'm so desperate I really don't know what I'm doing. The last thing I need to do is fall back into a thing that has no possibility of working.
Last night I got out of the house to have dinner with my brother-in-law Ken. It was not exciting but I was glad to be anywhere but home wondering why the phone doesn't ring or why no one is sending me emails. Got home and didn't see anything so I spent the rest of the evening watching TV.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
During the day yesterday I was feeling even more lost than usual. I wanted contact with someone and my email inbox was even more quiet than usual. So I struggled through the day as best I could until finally I could leave the house and go somewhere. Then I did my workout without talking to anyone as Lisa was not feeling up to it and failed to meet me. I had to fight the urge to go into the bar afterwards. But I went home and made some dinner.
While eating dinner at about 7 my cell phone rang. It was Coleen. She called from home. She wanted me to help her dad with their new DVR that they had just gotten. That was that. You know it occurs to me that she may not even feel like I have been evading her. I never said anything to her or anyone else how hurt and rejected I am. It was after all, my hopes and dreams that died when she went home with Dean. To her I'm just one friend among many and as interchangeable as a station on the radio.
So after I explained to her dad how the DVR works she got back on the phone to tell me how she has been suffering with a cold and then her cell got a text message and she needed to go. Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure those are much more important than me anyway. Her last words were she would call back later but never happened.
So I spent the rest of the night watching TV and pretending not to care. It must be working a little since I did sleep okay. 2 weeks ago that wouldn't have been the case. Still, I need to find something better than the tv to occupy my attention. Tonight I made plans to have dinner with my brother-in-law Kenny.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I need to find something better. Tonight I will go to the gym. I miss it. While on vacation I wasn't doing much. Some hard work should make me less edgy. I hope.
My only real conversation was a call I made to Lisa as she was driving home. She has a health insurance issue that I tried to help her with. She seems to talk to me less and less. I guess that is the inevitable result of her wanting to move ahead with her boyfriend. We hadn't been as close as we once were. I have been spending time with my other friends so I think I expect too much. I'm just more needy that I was a few months ago. I'll have to get over it.
I made the mistake of reaching out to someone I used to know years ago via FaceBook. Shannon and I had quite a falling out and I pushed her away to regain my sanity. I'm pretty sure she has a bipolar disorder. She could be the nicest person when she is happy but then mean and nasty over the smallest thing. She is also gay. Years ago I seduced one of her friends who was visiting and we had a relationship that lasted almost a year. She lives over 1000 miles away so it was never anything big. Shannon mentioned her yesterday and told me she was still single and had lost weight. She thinks we should get in touch. Ugh. What we had was so long ago. And she is still too far away. Besides, I need something new, not to backslide into something I know is doomed from the start. The only way that will happen is if I get out of my box.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I had a really early flight yesterday. Up at 5 to make a 7 AM plane and was back in NY by 9:30. I took the train to Mineola where Lisa picked me up. She took me home and we chatted briefly then she headed home. I thought I would see her later at the Oysterfest event that we had all planned to go to. I sent her several text messages that went unanswered. So I have a feeling she never went.
I did meet Janet and Roberta there and we enjoyed the day walking around and listening to music. We took the train so we didn't need to worry about traffic or parking. It was fun but I spent a lot of energy looking for people who I never saw. I wanted to carry my vacation confidence as far as I could. But no opportunity presented itself so I'm feeling a little sad today.
The brief phone call from Coleen on Friday was all I heard from her even though she said she would reach out to me. I have mixed feelings because I still feel like I want to say a few things but I will not make that call. It's probably better that she doesn't call. I am fairly sure there was a discussion among Janet, Roberta and Jami but no one has said anything directly to me. I think Roberta did hint at it though. I have taken the attitude of playing a hand of poker and not show my cards to anyone. They will be played when I choose.
Friday, October 15, 2010
So we talked a lot. It felt good to sit with someone who seemed interested in what I had to say. By the end of dinner I didn't feel like I wanted to say goodnight. Then she asked if I like to smoke pot. Now I've done that before but not in such a long time and I just said no. It was that moment that I realized when the time came to end the night I needed to just call it over and just be sure I made a Florida friend and leave it at that. You know I considered taking her up on her offer but looking back I think I did the right thing. Remember she is someone my mom knows so I swore that that whole thing would not get back to mom.
But it was great to go out and have a date and I think I need to make that happen some more. Not sure what I'll try to do when I get home but I will for sure try something new that I haven't done before. I know Roberta and Janet were trying to talk me into going on a Speed Date Event. I more open to it now than I was before last night.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My mom's friend Yvonne showed up walking her dogs. She saw the car and made a special trip just to stop by and say hello. So I asked her to dinner and we have a plan to go Thursday. Remember I do not really find her very attractive but at this point I will not reject anything out of hand. And then before leaving I got a call from a repair place that my mom had taken her scooter to. So I asked Yvonne if she would be kind enough to give me a ride and she did. It was a nice thing to do but also a little validating for me. After facing my latest rejection it's a welcome relief to meet someone who at the very least is not dismissing me.
So I'm anxious to go to dinner and I almost want to call it a date just so that I can feel like I'm still date-able. Maybe when I get home I can start re-establishing myself to where I can find a woman who, if not willing to love, but is a least considering it. I want to stop wasting my time on the ones who consider me a non-option. I will need to think on that some more.
I did get a call from my brother Barry who just said hello. So carrying my cell phone has paid off a little.
I still haven't had anything from Coleen so I can really feel she is gone gone gone. What's also strange is none of the other friends from that circle haven't done anything. No texts or emails or calls since I spoke to Janet on Saturday. While that is unusual it's not unprecedented.
I'm probably paranoid but I wonder if Jami isn't at the root of this. Probably just everyone knowing I'm away and not thinking I'm available. We will see.
Monday, October 11, 2010
This picture is from Sunday while out at an outdoor bar. I saw Denise and her husband Rick there. It was last minute and I only was there for a short time. Most of my Sunday was taken up by laying at the beach. But Denise took this picture of me and it seems like a good one to share.
So today marks a full week of no text messages. I am sad even though I am the one who made it this way. I have to keep reminding myself that how it needs to be because the alternative only leads to more loneliness and frustration. I may never have my moment but I'm sure I have the support of friends who know and love me in their way. I need to appreciate myself even if it's only me who does.
My plans for the rest of the week are to watch the football game tonight, see some music on Wednesday, maybe go to Peps on Thursday. That leaves Tuesday open. My mom wants me to call Yvonne so I'll see if that can happen although I won't be terribly disappointed if it doesn't. I hate that I am counting the days until I go home.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday night my mom picked up her friend Yvonne and we went to an art exhibit. Yvonne is single and mom wondered if we could click but while she is nice I can't see it as a match. Right from the get go I sense she and I do not enjoy similar interests. She is a say at home and watch tv kind of person. We talked about getting together and I expect I will but not thinking it's for any more than company. You might think in my desperate state I should not be so quick to dismiss but she is a pretty big girl ... probably outweighing even me by 20 or so lbs. Still she isn't a bump on a log ... she was very talkative and for sure I'd like to have some company this week.
My cell phone was very quiet last night. I guess my not communicating with Coleen has finally convinced her to go away. It's been 5 days of no text messages. As time goes by I'm being more and more sure about myself. She was lucky to have me in her life and now that she doesn't it's not such a loss for me. I wish I hadn't let her in so far. I do feel tempted to call and have a talk just to see if I can close things off. But I told myself I would take this time away to re-evaluate things.
I'm a little disappointed that none of my other friends are checking in. I guess they all are doing their own thing and I will be reaching out to them at different points. With mom gone I am just having some alone time and it would be nice to hear from people back home so I am not completely isolated.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
No more text messages ... that's 2 full days of quiet. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't know how I can talk to Coleen now. I'm not sure if she is upset or even know that I am upset. What do I expect will happen? Maybe I'll never have a real conversation and that will be the end of it.
My focus for the next week and a half will be pretty simple ... work on my tan and forget.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
On the way to Staples at the intersection who do I see coming the other way but Coleen. And she saw me even before I saw her. I think she waved. I waved back. I'm sure she forgot that I'm leaving town tomorrow. I wonder if last night's invite for dinner was the last straw. I hope I can begin to forget while I'm away. A distraction would be nice.
I went to my sister's, my cousin's and Lisa's last night. I had things to drop off or pick up. I made Lisa my last stop in hopes that we could just sit and talk. But she seemed to not want company. Our relationship has become so different. I once could talk things out with her but now she seems to want to distance herself. I guess she confides with Carmine or her sister now.
It's been 10 days since my meltdown and it still hurts. I feel so broken. I know time is the only cure. Holding all this in is really hard. I still have no idea how to fix myself. Funny, I thought I was in a better place. How can I feel this way at this stage of my life... I thought as I got older things would settle in and I would feel more at home with myself. I feel more alone and isolated than ever.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I wanted to try to do something different so I spent most of the day trying to talk to different people. I tagged my friend Chris to be my wing man. I was supposed to go to dinner with Roberta and Janet but I had to tell them to go without me so I could continue to chase any women who would talk to me.
So I got myself invited to my friend Nancy's house for a little after party. Nothing really happened except we played darts and I drank too much. At least I didn't drive. It was Nancy, her friend Karen, and 2 other guys they knew that were younger than me. There were points where I felt like the fifth wheel. But I'm putting a bad spin on it. That's Karen in the picture. Somehow I never got Nancy in a picture.
I was just trying to change my dynamic. In my mind any change is a positive especially if my circle of friends see that I have other options. This is a road I've been on before and I can only expect limited success.
BTW ... saw my sister and the first words out of her was that I seem to have lost a significant amount of weight. Non of the right people see it but I'm glad I can feel like I'm able to go to Florida and not feel like a beached whale.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
My morning started at the gym ... my workouts are becoming more intense. I have all this angst that I am using to power me. I feel like it's helping my self-esteem as I become more fit. Roberta commented last night that I have lost some weight.
Tomorrow is the annual Sea Cliff Village Mini-Mart. It's kind of a street fair that brings out a lot of people that live in the area and many I've known since grade school. I'll try to take a few pictures that will brighten this sad and depressing story.
Oh and one last note. While I spent a good part of the day hanging out with Roberta and Janet I needed to get down to the boat to get some more work done. While there I got my first text message from Coleen in a couple of days. She asked if I was at the boat. I just replied "yup" and that was the end of that. It's a week of nothing but text messages ... almost everyday. I don't know what she thinks and I'm trying not to care. There - I'm done with that.
Friday, October 1, 2010
It's been a quiet morning but we are planning to go out tonight on the South Shore to see a R & B band and hopefully I'll get to dance. I've already volunteered to not drink so I can be the designated driver.
I may shutdown the computer at the end of the day and leave it on the shelf for the weekend. Don't be surprised if you don't see a new post until Monday.