Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Too Much Time On My Hands.

I have time to think. Way too much time to think. During the week I barely ever get to talk to anyone. That may be my choice. Sometimes that is how I want it. Other times, like last night, it is just how it is. I did get 2 phone calls, but they were support calls from work and no fun at all. I have very little positive feelings looking forward to the holidays. There is no likely changes and this is depressing me.
It's been 13 years since I had a girlfriend. That experience ended right after Thanksgiving in 1997. I went from my best love to no love and while I have had feelings for someone several times that has never been returned. Because I've had it before I feel like it has to happen again. But as I get older it seems like the possibility shrinks a little every day. Right now there no possibility of anything. Whoever might turn out to be special is someone who I have yet to meet. Which means I need to start considering how I can put myself in a position to meet new people.
I've worked fairly hard to eliminate anything that may serve to block any potential to love. And yet I grow more isolated. I really wonder how I can fix my situation. It just always seems so easy for others to connect. I find myself considering putting my name into cyberspace. What I'd really like to do is just join some kind of mixed group that do what I like to do and take it from there. While that hasn't worked for me in the last 12 years or so I have always felt I came away with positive feelings and people I can still call friends.
Question is what? I am afraid that if I do get into something it will push me into financial ruin again. I am tempted to just leave things along and just start accepting my solitary life. At least for the duration of winter.
Perhaps I am at a crossroads ... or perhaps I am travelling on the same road as always.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving activities

I kept the computer turned off for the entire Thanksgiving weekend. First of all I made my way out on Wednesday night and that didn't go too well. I saw Coleen do her booty call thing again. Funny how you think you know someone and then find out who they really are and even though all your friends tell you what's what you still can't accept it until it hits you right between the eyes ... but enough about that. I am so over it.

It took my race on Thanksgiving morning to help me see things in a different light. I had set a goal for finishing in under 33 minutes and during the run itself I knew I needed to maintain certain split times at each mile marker. So when i past the first mark at a little over 10 minutes I knew my pace was right where i needed it to be. My sister was running too but she was somewhere behind me. I had expected her to pass me at some point but she never did. I finished right at the 33 minute mark so I was very pleased and beating my sister was an unexpected surprise. I guess I can do more than I thought.
So I felt really good about myself for the rest of the day. Even seeing Coleen later couldn't bring me down. Unfortunately I was a little dehydrated and my Thanksgiving ended early for me. The rest of the weekend I spent not doing much of anything. There was dinner out Saturday with Chris and Janet. We talked about how we all seem to be struggling with similar things. I told Janet about the singles event Chris and I went to and she wanted to know why we didn't ask her to go. There was a discussion about how I can't do that that with her because I won't try to meet women if she is there. She said she understood as she sees me do that in those kind of situations. At least I got a sense from her that she is also putting her heart out there ... just never going to be with me. It's like a broken record in my life. All single women want me as a friend.
Sunday I stopped into the bar to see the football game and saw Coleen there with another guy. Not the one from Wednesday. She came over and said hello. She looked terrible. She has been fighting a cold for over a week and now she has a cold sore and that gave her a fat lip. It was easy to just say hello and move on.
So my holiday weekend didn't involve anything great or bad. Just kept an even keel and now I can just deal with the rest of the holidays. It's already getting so cold ... this will be the longest winter.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Race is On.

My day yesterday was more lonely than usual. No conversations with anyone outside of work. Even my workout at the gym consisted of me doing what I needed to do and getting out without a word to anyone. After I got home I wanted to have some kind of conversation except I had nothing substantial to talk about. I felt very antsy and I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Turns out I went asleep right away. That's the power of getting a solid workout in to wear me down. I ended up sleeping very well.
Big day tomorrow and not just because it's Thanksgiving. I am planning to run a 5K race and I hope my sister will also run. Then I will go to Janet's for the dinner. The opportunity to go to my family was there but I decided to join her family instead. I figure I spend my Christmas with family so my Thanksgiving can be more optional.
Last night was my last tune up before the race. Running on a treadmill is much different than running on the street. My right knee has not responded well to the street run I did on Sunday so I'm a little nervous about how I'll handle things. I may take a few days off after just to make sure I recover. We will see.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Love my Team

Bit by bit I'm losing the ability to see Internet sites so I may find myself off of this any day now. But for the moment I am still posting.
Maybe it will be a good thing to get away from the on-line social thing and get back to meeting people in real time and eye to eye. I haven't had any real success using cyberspace.
I continue to work hard on my self-improvement program. I am slowing convincing myself that I am better everyday. No one who is close to me will ever be "the one" so I am thinking more and more about looking into new adventures.
My friend Chris, who was with me for the single event last week, seems to have the same ambition. I hope we can help each other. He was at my house for dinner last Sunday night and I made the mistake of having a little bit to drink and got on a bit of a rant. I probably said way too much ... similar to what I've gone on and on about here. It was good to have a sympathetic ear and get some feed back. I feel a bond or kinship with Chris. We both are lonely and are not satisfied with what's available.
Thing is here I am again, always able to make friends but not able to make a girl look at me romantically. I think there is someone out there who I will love and love me and all that is me but I keep getting involved with people who don't see me in that light. I need to stop making friends and just lay myself out there.
On a lighter side I enjoyed seeing my team, the New York Jets, win another thriller. I was out at the bar and all seemed lost when the Jets were down by 4 with less than a minute to go and no time outs. When the Jets scored I kind of lost it a bit. Jumped up and down and danced around. I may have scared some people. No one knows how long I've suffered waiting for a football season like this. Coleen was there and I may have scared her a bit. I was sitting next to her guy Tommy who was wearing a Jets sweatshirt that I think Coleen bought for him because he is a Giant fan. Just another dagger in my heart but I don't care ... my team won and I was living in the moment. I didn't even notice when they left.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Single scene

I need to dash this off so I can get back to working. Last night I attended a singles function for people interested in sailing. Since it's the start of the winter no one is actually looking to do any sailing but I saw it as a chance to see what might be a way to get new people into my life that share my interests. There were quite a few people there but unfortunately they all seemed to be way older then me. This was confirmed when I met the organizer who said they were trying to get young people like me as members ... younger then me? I'm 54 for crying out loud. I was there with my friend Chris who is also in his mid-50's.
I did get to swap some sailing stories with a fellow boat owner. I talked about how much I want to take a cruise next year and hadn't been in so long I was hoping to get any inside info I could. It was a good connection and we exchanges numbers on the off chance I go to Block Island we can raft up. It was while I was talking to him I saw the only possibility (a girl who was actually age appropriate) put her coat on and leave and I never got the chance to even ask her name. I did have a nice conversation with a woman named Joyce. She looked a little older but I can't be sure of anything anymore. It was a reasonable amount of money to go and I may go again after the new year. You can never tell how these things will go.
I am not sure whether I want to let my friends in on the fact that I went to something like that. As Chris I talked in the car on the way home I stated that we've just tried Plan A and now we need to start looking for Plan B. We are both more or less in the same position in that we are frustrated by being single and how there are no possibilities among the people around us. It's actually better to go to these things and be able to have a friend there so I can't isolate myself with fear.
I've decided I would like to make a date with someone ... anyone ... for New Years' Eve. I am not sure what that entails but if I can't make that happen I may just sit out the entire event and stay home. I'm tired of pretending to have a good time when I'd really like to be with someone.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

New directions

I still manage to astound myself with how stupid I've become. Once more I feel sucked into something I should never have done. I find it impossible to break away.
Last Sunday I took a picture of Coleen and her aunt with a bunch of flowers that Coleen had given her for her birthday. I thought it came out really well so I printed it so she could have a copy. When she sent me a text that she could have dinner last night like a fool I changed my plans to go to the gym and went to see her. Her friend Barbara was also going to be there.
The problem with text messages is you really can't know that the person who sent it is in no condition to be out. Coleen had been drinking for about 2 hours before I got there and really needed to just go home. Which is what she did about half way through dinner. So off she went leaving me alone with Barbara. Fortunately Coleen lives only a block away and walked home. Last thing she said was maybe Barbara and I could get lucky. WTF? First off I'm not interested in Barbara and secondly Barbara has a BF. Coleen was joking ... I hope. But underneath it just made me feel she really looks at me as a non-factor. Last thing she says is I should give her a call later that night. That's not going to happen. She was going to be asleep a soon as she got home anyway.
I would let it go except it's usually her that calls me. But I could just say no and move on. I need to. But I don't want to. Because I have nothing else. Well, tonight I'm taking the first step towards changing that. I am going to a singles function with my friend Chris and hopefully I can make connections somewhere new.
Update - Got a text message from Coleen asking me if I am mad. I told her I wasn't. At least not at her. I'm not telling her how she breaks my heart, though.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Motivation is an unknown part of the equation

I had my friends and family join me to celebrate my new home. It was a long time coming but I've finally hosted an event. There are some pictures of some of the people who were there. It started at 7 but I spent all day preparing things.
Coleen spent all day helping me and cooking some of her specialties. I could tell she loves to cook and was enjoying the process. It was odd having her around so much since I hadn't really expected it. I've learned not to make too much of it. She did become a big part of my day since there really wasn't anyone else who wanted to pitch in. Actually Lisa did call and ask if I needed anything but when I told her Coleen was already there she said she would see me when the party starts.
Of course, nothing happens that is all good. With things pretty much under control and still more than 2 hours before any guests were expected to arrive Coleen decided to go home and check on things there. I was waiting for a food delivery so I stayed home. Her trip home also included a stop in the bar. With the wine we had been sharing and whatever she had at the bar adding to it she was intoxicated before anyone was even there. Needless to say she was done early and left by 9. I was also pretty sure she had made plans to see other people which was confirmed the next day when she told me she was out late.
Everyone but me and the cat had gone by a little past 11 and I was not even close to being tired. So I began the process of cleaning and trying to unwind. So many people in such a small space made me extremely tense and late into the night I wasn't even close to being ready for bed.
It was a strange sensation to go from so many friends to no one there. It was tough dealing with the solitude and I did consider going at but it was midnight and I figured the last thing I should do is try to find anyone still around. I knew there was live music and I didn't have much to drink so it wasn't like I couldn't go out. But I knew what my motivation was and the memory of seeing other's connect and me alone I just figured I should sleep and enjoy the memory of a party that went well.
Sunday morning Coleen called and we spent most of the day together. It seems like we have established this pattern of spending time together only as friends and nothing will change that. In our conversations she doesn't want to talk about the future ... whether about me or anything else. All the men in her life are only ever identified as friends even the ones I believe she is sleeping with. I also get a sense she doesn't want me to know who they are.
Someone commented about how much credit she took for my party and I acknowledged that she did do a lot. But I do wish her motivation was more about me than is currently is.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Reality Bites

I still have access so I'm adding a new entry. We will see how long that lasts. My plan to go to the gym last night fell through. I had my car getting inspected so I was hoping Lisa would pick me up but she ran behind and decided not to go. So I was stuck home but I have my car back now so I'll go tonight.
So staying home allowed me to be there when Janet called. She is helping me get my party decorations. It was a long call. It felt like she really wanted to chat more. But I was focused on other things. Still was planning to go to the gym.
Between now and the party I'm putting all my ridiculous obsessions on hold. I'm only dealing with my preparations. During the party itself I'll have so many people to talk to I'm only thinking of enjoying it. Still I find myself imagining something happening. I need to not do that... I need to see my reality.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Maybe last post?

I am told that tomorrow the network in my office will be adding new security protocols which will limit my access. This may be my last post for awhile ... I'll need to buy a new laptop to reach all the sites I use. That may not happen for weeks. Or I may just go right out and do it this weekend. I'm a little nervous about money.
Last night I enjoyed a nice dinner with my brother Brian and his wife Sue. We did a lot of talking about family issues. The biggest news is my bro-in-law Kenny has been diagnosed last Friday with stage 3 cancer in his throat. I'm not sure the level of seriousness this is but it's is very bad news. I have been hesitant to mentions it out of respect to their privacy. But Brian brought it up so we then talked at length. It really seems unfair that could happen to someone who has always lived a healthy lifestyle. There is a feeling of helplessness but as a close family we want to make sure we are there.
Then we talked about another family member Sean who has been struggling with his marriage. Brian has always been close to Sean and he struggles with seeing Sean in such despair. So I spent some time talking about how my divorce effected me. From there we segued into my life. We touched on all the women in my life and how none of them are right for me. There is a general consensus that I need to start looking at new things.
The name Coleen was brought up. Nobody thinks good things about her. My reaction is that no one needs to worry about me and her since she's made it clear there is no possibility of romance. I still find it hard not to think of her that way. Her name keeps coming up and I'm not even sure if it's me that does it. It must be though, because it happens almost daily. She has become hard wired into my brain.
My party plans should be my focus for the next couple of days. There is a long to do list and I'll start prepping tomorrow. The guest list has been my biggest source of stress. I need to just let it go and try to make it fun.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A game without rules means I never get to win

Okay, time for a new posting to the blog. The living goes on even if the drama seems to have dissipated. I spent the majority of my weekend laying low. What little bit I did go out for was at the bar just hanging out. Yes, Coleen was there but I am still making an effort to let that go. There were lots of people to talk to, including Janet who showed up even though she never called to say she was planning to.
I am planning a house warming party this Saturday so I have had that to occupy my mind. I nailed down the guest list last week and have been taking suggestions on food ... which is a mistake since everyone has their own way of doing things and I get conflicting advice. But that the way it goes when you ask.
Saturday morning I arose early and got into the gym. My workouts have been a good outlet for me and I was there for most of the morning. When I got home the phone rang and it was Janet. She was heading to the big box store and I went and met her there and picked up some good stuff for the party. We also talked about things that need doing and I formed a nice little task list. As we got close to evening she said she wasn't going out so I stopped into the bar again. There I saw Coleen with shaved head guy, Tommy. My friend Jimmy noticed they both left the night before at the same time although not together, or so it seemed. So it looked like they made a hook up out in the parking lot. Since they were now clearly together it was obvious. One more nail in the coffin. Later she called me over and asked me if Tommy could come to the party. With him right there! So of course I said okay. Life just gets better and better.
Next morning I'm up early and figured I'd just get some laundry done. Not even 9 o'clock my home phone rings ... and I can see on the caller ID it's Coleen. I hesitate but I pick up. She tells me she had trouble sleeping last night at home. Home ... where her parents are. She said she was up most of the night. She knew I had some leftover food and we had talked about having it for lunch soon. She said she almost called me at 3 AM. I thought she had done a sleep-over with baldy boy. I'll never know for sure.
And what do I do.... I agree to go shopping to the mall with her and then we could have lunch. There I was in the woman's clothes dept. watching her try on pants. And I actually enjoyed it. Why do I continue to do these things? At least I told her how I thought she shouldn't have put me on the spot as far as asking me to invite Tommy to the party. She said she realized she did that and was sincerely apologetic. She also said he was probably not going to come. It seemed like there may be more to this but I dropped it.
We ended up spending most of the day together. I'm so easily satisfied. We watched the late football game in the bar ... and who was there but Dean. The September guy she went home with ... and still probably doesn't think I even know. We went in separately so I was actually there a good half hour before Coleen came walking in. She said hello to everyone the same way, hardly a glance to Dean. And he didn't really say much to her either. Like they barely know each other.
So someone needs to explain this to me ... and it's not just this thing. It seems like I see this reaction from all the women that have had these kind of one night things. How do you have that kind of intimacy and then dial it down so far that you don't even want to look each at each other? Is it shallowness or some kind of knee jerk reaction that I am not familiar with because I don't have those experiences? It has an effect since now I don't know what to believe. I'm also wondering if the women I'm around won't do that with me because they know that I'll then be all over them when all they really want is someone new once. Everything I learned growing up about what a real man should do is lost to me now. What are the rules?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

One more time - hope

I went and had dinner with Coleen last night. It was her idea. I don't know what I expect. I kept the conversation light and non-confrontational. It was more about having one less night of loneliness in my life. I'm sure long-term it's a bad thing but short term it felt nice to be out again.

As I write this I am thinking about a moment in a movie I saw on cable recently... 500 Days of Summer. There is a scene that plays out where the main character is invited to a party by the woman he is in love with and you see in a split screen in the left his expectations and on the right is reality. In his expectations they share some intimate moments talking and dancing and being together but his reality is she says hello and then mingles with all of the other guests.

I guess my point is that I relate very much to those moments. I seem to think I can have expectations but then my reality is those moments never happen and I am left alone and empty. I still hold on to hope because I know there is always a chance that one day my reality will align with my expectations.

So back to last night ... I just left Coleen dictate the tone we would have and since she was just enjoying the company I just went with that. Before we were done she was talking about things we would do over the weekend. I could feel myself falling into my usual pattern. I refused to steer into anything that would get either one of us upset.

We finished eating and there were leftovers to take home and we even discussed having them for dinner the next night. That would be tonight. Last thing we said was I should call about that after work. She had her car and as I walked away I could see her on her cell either texting or listening to a message. This made me feel like I'd just wasted my entire evening with someone who was more concerned about what ever phone calls she missed that just talking to me a bit before I walked away. I wish I was over reacting and that I'm looking for things to make me feel bad but I'm almost sure I'm not. This is where the expectations vs. reality moment kicks in. I always want to have a few extra moments to share but she has already checked out and was on to her next thing whatever that is.

Like in Peanuts when Lucy holds the football. Even though she always pulls it away each time Charlie Brown goes to kick the field goal, he expects this time it will be different. Each time as I lay there wondering how I keep thinking things will somehow all work the way I want but I am fooled again I go into this helpless feeling. I can't control anything.
So what will I be doing tonight...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween 2010

Went out for Halloween in an Elvis costume. I'm sure you can tell from the picture.

It was fun. Reality was still different than expectations. I thought I would find myself mixing it up a bit and chatting with anyone who would talk to me. But let's go back to before the weekend.

Friday night had no real plan so I stayed home. Since I was going out on Saturday I thought I would just lay low. But then when i was home I got antsy and called Janet to see if she wanted to share dinner. But she had stopped into a place near work. She said she wasn't staying long and would call me when she was out the door. Two hours later she finally called. She sounded like she had a too much wine so I knew seeing her would not happen. So that was the end of my night. I went to bed early and was up and in the gym by 8:30. My workouts are becoming more intense and that can only be good.

My plan for the rest of the day was to help Lisa visit a adult assisted living home that may be the new home for her dad. But at the last minute she called and said she wouldn't be able to go.

So my weekend was slowing coming apart. I got to spend the rest of Saturday doing work around the house. Janet, Roberta and I were all going out for Halloween as Elvis and we had talked about starting from my house so I wanted to spiff it up a bit. They arrived at about 7 and we had pizza and got ready to go out. It has been too long for me to have people over and I was glad to entertain a little. I have been getting frustrated by that.
In fact when I had spoken to Janet the day before she was saying she wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at my house beforehand as she wanted to not have to deal with getting home from where I am. This bothered me since I live only a short distance from where we were going. I had the feeling she just doesn't like being in my house. I've worked very hard in the last year to put myself in a situation where I'm closer to friends and I can have people come to me now and then so it really ticked me off when she said that. But in the end she and Roberta came to my house but since I wasn't a for sure thing I didn't want to over plan. I never went and got any wine so they had to bring their own.
I really want a relationship with someone in my life I can make real plans with. I'm probably expecting too much but it seems like I see other people having that life and I'm jealous. And I hate feeling this way.
Lisa had said she would try to make it into the party but I knew she was likely a no show. I don't know what she did but she didn't make it out. She and her boyfriend are less and less visible. They do get out but it seems like it's always with his friends. I figure if they ever get married it will the last time I see Lisa in a social context. But I sort of understand that even though I'm sad over it.
The party was fun and I got to see Nancy who is a bit of a flake but she is fun and she makes me feel like I have something. I would really love to have a different place to go on the weekend and Nancy is an option. But she and her friends seem to see me as a bit of an outsider and I'm not sure if they would let me in.
So the night ended and I was home late ... alone like usual. But I had fun and got to dance so as Saturday's go it was better than most.
Sunday I spent planning my party that will happen in a couple of weeks. I committed to a guest list. I was waffling whether I should invite Coleen and some of the others that we share as friends. Inviting one means inviting all. But I decided I need to make it a party and just forget all the emotional crap I have been obsessing over. So I went into the bar and spoke to all the ones I needed to invite. It looks like I will have between 10 and 20 people for a party starting at 7 PM. I still don't know what I will serve but I should have that together by next weekend.