Thursday, November 4, 2010

One more time - hope

I went and had dinner with Coleen last night. It was her idea. I don't know what I expect. I kept the conversation light and non-confrontational. It was more about having one less night of loneliness in my life. I'm sure long-term it's a bad thing but short term it felt nice to be out again.

As I write this I am thinking about a moment in a movie I saw on cable recently... 500 Days of Summer. There is a scene that plays out where the main character is invited to a party by the woman he is in love with and you see in a split screen in the left his expectations and on the right is reality. In his expectations they share some intimate moments talking and dancing and being together but his reality is she says hello and then mingles with all of the other guests.

I guess my point is that I relate very much to those moments. I seem to think I can have expectations but then my reality is those moments never happen and I am left alone and empty. I still hold on to hope because I know there is always a chance that one day my reality will align with my expectations.

So back to last night ... I just left Coleen dictate the tone we would have and since she was just enjoying the company I just went with that. Before we were done she was talking about things we would do over the weekend. I could feel myself falling into my usual pattern. I refused to steer into anything that would get either one of us upset.

We finished eating and there were leftovers to take home and we even discussed having them for dinner the next night. That would be tonight. Last thing we said was I should call about that after work. She had her car and as I walked away I could see her on her cell either texting or listening to a message. This made me feel like I'd just wasted my entire evening with someone who was more concerned about what ever phone calls she missed that just talking to me a bit before I walked away. I wish I was over reacting and that I'm looking for things to make me feel bad but I'm almost sure I'm not. This is where the expectations vs. reality moment kicks in. I always want to have a few extra moments to share but she has already checked out and was on to her next thing whatever that is.

Like in Peanuts when Lucy holds the football. Even though she always pulls it away each time Charlie Brown goes to kick the field goal, he expects this time it will be different. Each time as I lay there wondering how I keep thinking things will somehow all work the way I want but I am fooled again I go into this helpless feeling. I can't control anything.
So what will I be doing tonight...

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