Friday, January 4, 2013


What is that? Is it a personal choice that has to be remade every day or can you find yourself committed without even realizing it?
Last night I found myself asking Lisa to join me for dinner. Of course she said yes and we had a great dinner out at a Thai restaurant. During dinner she asked me to accompany her to a work related dinner in three weeks. All I kept thinking about is do I have a suit I can wear that will fit. I want this to be a big deal, although to her it's just a dinner.
So I'm at least committed to that. And I am enjoying whatever else. I know I should keep other options open because I've found myself getting close before and the ultimate result ends with me alone. But this feels different.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

What has happened

I need to explain why I have been remiss about posting new entries. Mostly I was dealing with a situation with Lisa. You see, she had a new guy in her life. It isn't as if I was upset, but it wasn't something I felt good about. I didn't want to write about it because it might appear that I could be getting a bit obsessive. So I've ignoring things.
I'd had my suspicions that Lisa and a friend she had a work were becoming more than friends. But this guy, we will call him Mark, he is married. Somewhere in September they made there relationship official. He had separated and they could spend more time together. So I didn't see her nearly as much. This has happened before so I resigned myself to find other friends to spend time with.
Mark was spending more and more time at Lisa's house and I figured the progression would have them living together at some point. Maybe by spring. He was staying with his dad so I saw that as inevitable. I only saw Lisa for a few minutes at Christmas, not even long enough to exchange presents. So the day after Christmas I was at her house to give her her gift. While I was there she got a call on her cell and she took it in the other room. It was lengthy call and I considered heading home. While I was considering this she ended her call and I said I was heading home. She just stood there looking at me shaking. I had to ask what it was three times before she told me Mark was going back to his family. I guess I was more surprised by the timing than anything else.
So I thought I should stay with her until she told me he was coming over to give her some things like her keys. With that I said I needed to not be there when he arrived. I left not knowing if I would hear from her that night. I didn't.
It is now been a week and Lisa is a bit of a basket case. We spent a bit of time together on New Year's. At midnight she just cried and cried. I did the best I could to understanding and sympathetic. Last night I made her dinner and we sat and watched TV. The first night without any drama.
Now I am so conflicted. I still see her as the most beautiful, sexy, and alive person I've ever been around. And I tell her this. But she will not consider me as an option, even as she grieves her broken relationship. And it breaks my heart.