I'm still here

I am not sure if I can say anything of significance any more. Things are not bad but I still feel a black cloud is over my head. My family has been very supportive and I feel very much loved. But my own loneliness continues. It's already been a long cold winter and it's only just started.

I continue to try and make plans with Coleen but it just becomes more and more frustrating. Christmas became very difficult as I was caught between spending time with the friends I care about and also wanting to see Coleen since I knew she wanted me to be there with her and her family. I asked her about New Year's eve and when she said no plans were made and she said she thinks she will stay home I asked if we could share a dinner with Carmine and Lisa. Of course she said depends.... so I'm thinking I want to take it back now. Probably that's what I'll do.

So things as always are a little up in the air.

My struggle

I have been hesitant to add a new post. Things being what they are I don't feel like I pour my heart and soul out right now. I need to keep much of it inside. In fact, I have been keeping much of the things I deal with out of the blog. It can just be so painful. But now I can't seem to be able to think of anything else. I keep reviewing my actions and I so want things to be different. I'll always feel I could have done more. I almost feel like Brenda's death was my responsibility. She always seemed to love me more than I could love her. She never showed those kind of feeling for anyone else that I know of. I really wanted her to let go but she never let go of anything. Not her Mom or Dad or me.

So I have a hurt that won't go away. As if I have a disfiguring scar. How can I ever expect to be loved when I couldn't love the one person who really loved me. I am still hopeful but much less so.

I had dinner with Coleen last night. I still have these warm feelings for her even though I don't think she will ever return them. But I still think she loves me. I just don't know in what way. I've become so focused on her I'm struggling to find other things to do. Trying not to have so much whoa as me feelings.

No where to go but up

I've been sitting around the house all day. Not sure what's worth doing. I keep thinking "what if?" Still coming to grips with what's happened.

At Brenda funeral I felt grief but my heart doesn't ache as much as I thought it should. I'd lost Brenda long ago. After our divorce was final as time went on I found myself not wanting to see her and hoping we both could find something new. I never wanted to be any part of her social circle. I was even prepared for the day she got remarried, I think. I expected that to occur but it never happened. Since I was only talking to her on occasion I always thought she was doing okay. I didn't sense her isolation until it was too late. It's strange right now that I am sad but I don't miss her. It's just that the world is a strange place that she isn't here anymore.

I called Coleen afterwards and she was having her own little meltdown with Mark. I made the mistake of seeing her while I was in an emotional state. I wanted to feel close to her but all she wanted was to get back at Mark. She found him at dinner with his friends and we were asked to join them. It ended up being an expensive restaurant and I paid money I didn't even have. To top it off Coleen was getting upset when Mark was paying little or no attention to her. We left before the check even came.

After dinner she was on the verge of tears the entire way home and she was driving. It was a very scary trip home. Before going back to where my car was parked she decided to stop off at his house. We get there and apparently she has no key and no one was home. She said she would be right back so I'm waiting in the car 5 minutes before I realized she had gone around to the back. I go around the house and I see her trying to jimmy the sliding glass door open. I told her she had to stop and to my surprise she actually listened. With that we drove to my car and I said goodnight.

This was last night and since then I spoke to her a little while ago on the phone. I said "let's never do that again".

So I'm in a very strange place. I cannot picture myself ever not being alone anymore. I feel as if I've had some kind of disfiguring accident. This must be rock bottom.

Reality sucks

Well, here is a kick in the teeth....

last Tuesday I was on the train heading home and enjoying some wine with my friend Mariana when I got a call from Rich... a friend of my ex-wife Brenda. His words were a little more correct than they needed to be. "Brenda past away". Yes, my ex-wife dies on December 9th. She didn't pass away... she fucking overdosed on some medication she got a hold of. She'd been trying to end her life since may and she finally succeeded. So how do I deal with this. We buried her today. I was very emotional and I still am.

How do you bury someone who you've kissed hundreds of times and used to sleep next to and been a lover for longer than anyone else. My love for her was all past tense but I loved her just the same. And I watched her go into a box and get put into a hole and buried under the ground. Did I love her? not like I knew I really wanted to. Did she love me? Well, she left me nothing in the will so she didn't feel she could trust me so maybe not. And yet I in my heart I felt she loved me always. I was just never able to sincerely return that love so even in my grief I couldn't say "I love you".

So as an ex I was trying to maintain my sincerity. Because I do love her... just not not like a lifetime commitment should. But I'm dealing with a sudden loss that was self inflicted. There is so much guilt that comes with that. Thank God my friends are there to reassure me that her pain was self-inflicted and not from me. I know I'll get pat this but right now I feel a little as if my fate is sealed. Who would hear this story and not stay? I feel so doomed.

Just talking about life.

I took a picture of Coleen over Thanksgiving weekend. She was writing the dinner specials on the sign at the bar.

I keep coming close to abandoning this but I then I always find myself coming back. I can finally say all is calm and I am not really stressing on anything at the moment. I still have much to do for Christmas and I really want to do some nice things for everyone because even though I don't have all the things I want I am really thankful for all that I do have.

While talking to my brother Barry I mentioned how I wish I could afford a new flat screen tv because I seem to have HD envy. In our conversation I mentioned how my old 29 inch broke and so I was due for a tv and maybe I'll get one next year.... he mentioned he had an old 29 inch tv that he didn't use and I was welcome to that. I went and got it Saturday and I no longer want a new TV. This one works great.

Then Sunday I went to my sister's for dinner and helped a little with their Christmas decorations. While I was there we found a remote control to a stereo that I got from them last summer. Now I can lay in bed and listen to music and not need to get up to turn it off. So it's been like an early Christmas for me this year.

I had planned to see Lisa and Carmine's new apartment last weekend but she ended up cancelling on me. I'm beginning to think she doesn't want people in her house. We still talk every day, we no longer have any real conversations. I miss that. There are things that I can only tell Lisa about.

Not seeing Coleen at all last weekend was not as difficult as I didn't just wait by the phone but I did miss her. I'm trying to not obsess and to keep things real. But I did call her late yesterday and she was wondering where I had been on Sunday. She went out to watch football and thought I would show up. I probably would have had she called but maybe I needed a little space. Then later last night she called me again and while we only had a casual conversation, we did speak at length. My mind wants to make plans with her but all she commits to is we will talk as we get closer to the weekend. She doesn't say anymore if it's still about Mark, but I'm sure it is.

Finally an explaination

Saturday morning and I'm up really early. It's a little past 8 and I've already been up for an hour. That's what happens when you stay home on a Friday night. It's been a very quiet week. Last weekends drama subsides a little more every day. I think I can probably talk about it now.
It seems some of my friends don't like how I spend a lot of time with Coleen. And they want to get in my face about it. They say they miss me being around. I kind of ticks me off. Everyone else gets to do what ever they want and no one ever takes it personally, but because I like Coleen and she likes me it's a problem. It's to a point that Roberta is asking me to choose and while I won't like being put in that position I'll take Coleen over my friends and if my friends don't like it then maybe I need to rethink who my friends are.

Now this brings me to last weekend. I absolutely needed to get some work done on my boat before the real cold weather set in. This is a job I've always had to do alone as no one has ever been that interested in what the boat maintenance is. But Coleen was there helping me anyway. We spent most of the afternoon taking care of things together. I knew I had to go to Janet's for dinner and Coleen wasn't invited. Since I always figure Coleen will have dinner with Mark I thought I had made a good choice in accepting the invite. Well, Coleen got a call from Mark about dinner and she told him she wasn't interested in dinner that night. Then I had to tell her I was going to Janet's. I could see how disappointed she was. I considered blowing off Janet but I'd done that once before and couldn't really do it again. So I left Coleen behind and went for dinner.

While I did enjoy dinner my mind was really on how I didn't want to even be there. So when Roberta started in about how they all saw my car at Coleen's during the day and I'd been found out. She probably expected me to get defensive but instead I just said whose business is it where I am during the day. Well, things evolved into a very heated conversation so I just got mad and left in a huff. Never said goodbye to Janet who didn't want me driving since I'd probably had too much wine. But I needed to go home. It was pretty late.

On Saturday there was a party for Roberta's daughter and I decided I wasn't going to that. When I could send my evening with Coleen that was the clincher. We had dinner and even though it ended early I didn't need any more crap. I was still very emotional.

So there it is. I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about it. I'm also rethinking my position with Coleen too. It's the holidays and I need to figure out how to go about planning how I want to be. Should I come right out and make a stand with Coleen and tell my friends to fuck off? And if Coleen says she isn't in to me that way I should then go make nice with my friends?

I've wanted to have some real conversations with Coleen all week but it just hasn't happened. When I left a message for her on Thursday and she didn't call me back I decided I was staying in on Friday. I had asked her to have dinner with me during the week and she didn't want to do that either. She just said maybe. I suspected she was planning something with Mark so I didn't really want to go into the bar and find her leaving to have dinner with him and then I'd get the third degree from my friends again. I wasn't feeling very loved. So I was making a really nice dinner when I got a call from Coleen. She was at the bar and wondering when I was getting there. I told her since I didn't hear from her I wasn't sure she would be there and I really didn't need to see anyone else. She said she had been asked to dinner by Mark but she told him no. It sounded to me like she was looking forward to seeing me more than Mark. So now I feel like I need to talk to her even more. She said she would go home early and give me a call. So I sat by the phone and it never rang.

I'm sure she got home and was tired and probably more than a little drunk. Better she doesn't call me like that as she tends to babble. I will no doubt hear from her later today. My plan for the day is to go see Lisa at new new apartment. But first I'm getting a haircut. Which I need to get to now.

Tough day

I'm still trying to come up with words to explain how I got upset with some friends last weekend over my relationship with Coleen. Seems like everyone has an negative opinion over my spending time with someone who I've obviously been infatuated by but have not been able to make a romantic move on. So I kind of snapped a little. The possibility of losing my friends is very real.