Monday, March 31, 2008

Normalcy returns

Saturday night and Sunday were about the same as any other weekend. The excitement of Friday night has dissipated. I worked on the boat both Saturday and Sunday and then went to the bar for a few hours before going home. I didn't see or hear from Coleen after Saturday morning. I guess with the boyfriend back from Atlantic City this should be expected. I'm trying not to turn this into an obsession.

I am looking at my surroundings and realizing just how sloppy I have become. I need to dedicate myself to putting things in order. I mean for the first time in forever the possibility of someone sharing my life could happen and she would probably run my my house screaming from all the clutter I have. I need to get into my closets and throw away what I'm never going to use. I'll start with the living room I think. Then the kitchen. Then the bedroom and the bathroom last. The bathroom is probably the easiest.My thought is to take everything out of the room and only put back things that look right. I would really like some new furnature too. Maybe that a little too ambitious.

This week should be an easy week. I got paid today and after the rent, car insurance, cell-phone bill and Kohl's bill come out of it I have a few dollars left. This Friday will be a wine tasting dinner which are always fun. It will have the same cast of characters that I see at the bar - no Coleen though.

Lisa had asked if I could look in on her place this coming Saturday, but now she says she will be home instead. Her cats are the main reason I would need to be there. As time goes on I find myself getting more and more dissatified by her and all the crap that she has. I don't have a key so she needed to get me a copy. But she has plans everyday and I'm so unimportant that she couldn't find a way to get them to me. Her entire life now revolves around Carmine and if I'm lucky she squeezes me in for an hour or two for a dinner. We used to have conversations several time a week. Now all of our contact comes in instant message chats online while she is in the car. She has no isea what I'm doing any more and I'm sure I'm out of the loop as far as she goes. I'm wondering how much longer before we stop talking all together.

My boat will now take up most of my free time. I have 4 weekends to get everything working. I'm trying not to make any other weeekend plans until that's done. Hopefully not too much rain for a while.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

All about the dinner

Sorry this is so late. This is actually my third attempt at an entry. I hope to be able to read this one day and look back and know I've gotten it right.

Yes, I had dinner with Coleen. It sure felt very date-like. I woke up this morning (alone - it wasn't THAT good of a dinner) feeling very much like I have new future. Okay, okay... I'm getting a little too dramatic.

I left work and went straight to the bar where Coleen and I had arranged to meet. I got there and didn't see her at first but she had been there for a while before I did. When I saw her she said "are you hungry yet"? So we had just one glass of wine and we headed for the car.

We had a choice to make as to which restaurant to go to. She only knew on one and I wanted her to try a different one. She gave in to my choice. So we sat down and started chatting and just loved everything. She was great company.

We talked and laughed. I had fun. It felt a little magical. It was all so easy. I tried to keep my conversation light. Not much talk about the boyfriend. In all honesty I didn't take notes so it's hard to remember what we chatted about. At the end of dinner ... we were both full way before the food was gone, I told her that if she let me pay I'll let her pay next time. Of course that was a lie but I really wanted to see how she felt about there being a next time. She looked happy about that.

So we paid the check and headed back in her car but with me driving. She put her favorite music on the CD and it wasn't something I knew but I did like it. SHE'S A COUNTRY MUSIC GIRL!!! So cool. You see, in NY there are no country music stations so it's rare that you find someone who likes it here.

So we got back to the bar and before we got out of the car she surprised me with a kiss. Not big kiss ... just a quick kiss and a thank you. It was over before I knew what had happened.  So we went into the bar and had a drink. The bar was filled with people we knew. Roberta, Janet, Tony, and Jami were sitting at the usual end of the bar. They all teased us because we reeked of Indian food. Which was fine with me.

I can't make too much of a deal about this, even though Coleen messaged me before I'd even gotten out of bed this morning. I hope she has the good feeling today like I do. I'm going to see what happens and not expect too much. I realize that right now her boyfriend is back and he it her number one. If that changes I'll be happy but if it doesn't I can at least say I had one good dinner.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Dinner plans

Just got a call from Coleen. We just made plans for dinner tonight. The boyfriend is in AC until tomorrow. Be still my beating heart.  

Plan? There Aint No Plan?

Remember that from Road Warrior? Here I am careening down the tracks as fast as I can with no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. But my foot is on the gas and I'm looking straight ahead. What next?

So after my morning text message exchange with Coleen yesterday I didn't hear from her again. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. Coleen is trying to fix her relationship and not trying to give up on it so all I can be at this point is a distraction. It was a mistake to go have a meal with them. Now if Coleen discusses going somewhere for dinner I won't know if it's to join her for dinner or them for dinner. The best thing is to just not do it.

I finally heard from Lisa yesterday. She sent me a text message to my phone. She is going away for a weekend and wanted me to look in on her cats. Of course I said yes even though it's almost an hour's drive each way. I don't have a key to get into her house so she will need to take care of the before she goes.

I also had dinner at a restaurant with Maryliz, Kenny and Charlie. That would be my sister and her husband and son. Charlie now calls himself an only child now that his 2 older siblings are away at college. It was an uneventful meal but it was nice to get out.

Today is Friday.... my night for going to the bar. My one chance to see Coleen. Not sure if anyone is planning to be there. I know Janet is going to be late if she is even there. Roberta is barely 50/50 to go. Jami is always there. Seems like I always end up seeing Jami more than anyone. Maybe I shouldn't go for a change. Not that likely.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

As I Get Closer The Farther Things Get

After spending the day yesterday wondering what I'd missed just before leaving the office I received a text message on my cell phone from Coleen asking if I was working in NYC today or at home. Since I was in the office I called her and we spoke as I walked to the train station. Wednesday is her short day and she had been off since 2. Mark was supposed to meet her somewhere and he was 2 hours late. She was sipping some wine and I told her to take it easy on that. I didn't get all the details but Coleen and Mark seem like they are still together, but just barely. How I fit into that I don't know.

Coleen said that they had planned dinner but she was unsure. I said I would be home by 6 and she could call me. She said she would try but if she couldn't we would talk tomorrow. Never heard from her. Obviously Mark finally showed up.

So I'm in her head enough that she calls me just to talk. Logic tells me she just needed to feel wanted at a moment when Mark wasn't there. And I filled the bill. So for a moment there I felt like I had her right in my hands but then she just slipped away.

So this morning I was reading some of my earlier entries to see where my head was at just a few months ago. I pretty much see that there was something there from her immediately. That it isn't just me. All the times I've ever found myself in a relationship they always seemed to have a spark right away and there isn't a lot of stops and starts like this. That's what is making me a little pessimistic today.

So this morning I sent a text message to her. Nothing scary, just a good morning. She responded. She was just starting work. I was tempted to send a response but decided I would just let it simmer. I know she works starting at 8:30 and it was close to 9 so she must have been late. I wonder why.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

New Day of Stupid Thoughts

I hate to second guess myself but I can't help but wonder what was the final result last night. I wonder if I missed some drama and if so would I have been better off to be there to help pick up the pieces?

My little voice says the best thing was to not get involved and go about my business unless I am asked. Since my phone never rang I'm a little in the dark now. But I keep nagging at myself that if a golden opportunity arises shouldn't I jump at it? Still, Coleen is making long term plans with Mark so she wouldn't just let that go at the snap of the moment.

There were a lot of other friends there so I can understand how she wouldn't need to reach out to me. So I'll have to be content with the off chance I'll see Coleen on Friday and then I need to wait to see if she will bring it up. I'm in shock that they can't plan a vacation together. Maybe all the people are right who say that as a couple their future seems bleak.

My twisted little mind sees her talking about vacations and me unable to stop talking about taking her on a boat vacation. That would be way too big a step and not a good idea. But I have to admit it is my greatest fantasy. Having a girl to share the boat with is what I've always wanted.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


My roller coaster ride continues. I'm back from my meeting. As planned prior to the meeting I stopped at the bar hoping to see Coleen. And she was there. She looked good having come from work wearing a below the knee dress. She would cross her legs that would reveal her thighs. At first I felt pressure to make smart small talk and didn't seem to be doing well. Coleen looked distracted and I soon found out she was planning to meet Mark for dinner there. That clinched my plan to go to my meeting. Mark came in and I gave him a nice hello with my best poker face. I then left them to their small talk. There were others there to talk to so I would only hear bits and pieces about what was going on. In a brief aside Coleen said just to me that she was upset because she wants a vacation and Mark wouldn't commit to anything. From what I overheard Mark can't take any time off of work and told Coleen to go away somewhere with out him. It was already 10 minutes past the time I needed to leave and put my coat on and just as I was about to say good night I heard Coleen say "this is the end for me". With that I was out the door. As I was driving I was thinking "were they breaking up?" She didn't seem emotional enough to be in a serious argument. But it seems like something was going on but I'd already put my coat on and if I had stayed it may have really added to the tension.

So my meeting was uneventful..I half expected for my phone to ring but you know what... if she did break up I'm the last person who needs to console her. I'd much rather hear about it after a day or two when she is really ready to move on. .

I keep thinking about Saturday night. I haven't really told anyone about how I had dinner with Coleen and Mark and saw how they interact. I had myself pretty much believing that I shouldn't keep thinking I can have what I want. I spent too much time on sunday looking at my phone wanting to ring. Yesterday I had pretty much settled into the idea that I need a reality check and stop fantasizing. I put my phone away early last night.

So this morning I look at my phone and what do you think I see... a message from 8:30 Monday night. From Coleen. She was thinking about me. She must have been. So even though it was 12 hours since she sent the message I sent one back. I figured she must be at work and maybe she would like to get a message to start the day. We ended up having a real conversation on the phone. She really wanted to talk to me.

My plans for this evening was to be up that way so I said let's meet for a drink at the bar at 5:30. She wasn't sure but I have a feeling she will. And you know what... I will blow off what ever I need to to make it more. Let's see if I can change the some-old-thing just once in my life.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Deep thought

Yesterday was Easter and I spent the day with family. It wasn't a long day. In fact, I was home by 5:30. I was tempted to head over to Janet's but decided the best thing for me to do was to just chill at home and be ready for work today. I felt bad not going because I'm sure Janet wanted me to be there but I was tired and I know if I had gone there I would have had some wine and I thought the best thing was to stay home.

I keep obsessing on my dinner with Coleen and Mark, over analyzing everything like I always do. She was having Easter without Mark yesterday and she did say I should call her but I'm sure she was just being nice. She had been drinking a lot of wine and probably has a fuzzy memory.  So I didn't call even though I wanted to. I have to keep reminding myself that Coleen is committed to Mark and unless I hear different I need to resist feeling like I am in love with her. This is inspite of all the people who tell me they are disfunctional.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Stupid is what stupid does

Last night I had dinner with Coleen and her boyfriend Mark. Strange but true. This was a scenario I swore I would never do. So here are the details as I remember them....

I was working on my boat until about 5 p.m. and decided to go have a drink before heading home for dinner. I only had $20 so I figured after an hour I would need to go anyway.

I get there and Jami and Judy were already there. I grabbed a spot and enjoyed an ice cold beer. Before too long I saw Coleen and Mark come through the door. They came over and sat down where we were, which for them a unusual because they usually sit off by themselves. But today Coleen came right over by me and we all started talking. I ended up talking mostly to Mark. Me being me, I was feeling like Mark is a good guy so I was just thinking I need to let go of the Coleen thing and try to make a friend. So when Coleen said why don't I join them for dinner ... and by now it was almost 9 o'clock, I decided it was a good idea. Not smart.

So we went to a restaurant/pizza place. We ordered and Mark ate his dinner in about 2 minutes and disappeared to talk to someone outside. I could tell Coleen was feeling a little abandoned, but I didn't mind. I was enjoying her company, but also it was confirming what I'd always suspected. Their relationship is a little less loving than it should be. It's like they've run out of things to say to each other. Coleen said this is what dinner is always like and that she would rather have dinner with me... I said now you are just teasing me. I was a little shocked to find out that they were going to be spending their Easter seperately. Coleen seems very frustrated.

In the end I decided I should move along a little early. So I left while they were still in the restaurant. Coleen was bugging Mark to go but he was going to have another beer. And she needed to go... she had enough wine to get the hiccups and she looked tired. But Mark wanted to stay and I could see Coleen getting mad and I wasn't going to be there is things got tense. So out the door I went. I did get a hug from Coleen that felt just a little more special than I can put into words. Home by 10:30.

So happy Easter. More later.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Saturday entry

I see Lisa just signed onto IM. I would send her a message but it seems like she doesn't want to talk to me on weekends anymore. It's all about the boyfriend now. So I'm getting used to her being down to just a casual friend now. It's as if she hardly knows me anymore.

Last night I got away from work early and went to happy hour. Jami was at the bar already. About 20 minutes after I got there Coleen came strolling in. She was on her way to go out to dinner with Mark. She sat next to me and we talked. She pretty much ranted about how diffecult it is right now and she wants to find an apartment. Since her divorce she moved home with her parents mostly to take care of her mom but partly because she can't afford aher own place. She told me that was 5 years ago. I'm still not sure what she was getting at but I get the feeling she was trying to tell me that she has a boyfriend but nothing more is happening. She also reinstated how we need to have dinner, but I'm not sure if she means with Mark too. So I was very evasive. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I was looking at her and trying to decide what I'm really attracted to. I mean she doesn't have model looks or anything. I ask the question I already know. I really like the whole package. But it's so confusing. I feel as if something could be there but I don't think there is an action I can take. It's really up to her.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Optimistically looking ahead

Last night I enjoyed dinner and music with Janet. I tried to pay but she wouldn't let me. This is why I'll never feel romantic about Janet. She just refuses to let me be the man. Except for that I really had a good time. It was nice picking her up and driving the 30 minutes or so and having dinner. And Mike and Chris both came over and said hello.

Oddly enough Janet saw someone she knew from her younger days... must have been high school. I'll have to try and look that up. Her name was Nancy and I thought she was attractive, but I never really got the chance to make small talk with her. She didn't seem too interested in me. But then I'm pretty slow about these things. I just found her picture in my high school yearbook. She looks about the same.

I ended the night driving Janet home and we agreed to make a plan for tonight. No stress because there were no expectations.

So tonight I'll be heading for the bar and maybe get to see the rest of the group. It's Easter weekend so I'll be really busy. Maybe lots to blog about.  

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring has Sprung

Pretty much nowhere. At least I have a plan for this evening. Yesterday's big event was getting laundry done. So I'm covered for clean clothes for at least 3 weeks. Maybe by then it will be warm enough for t-shirts. Probably not until at least May though.

It's the first day of Spring although for the boat it is still winter. It looks very lonely at the marina. My challenge will be to get all my systems working 100 percent by May. I am hoping to really enjoy boating this summer. I need to have a list soon. I guess my first task will be to polish the deck.

I have plans to spend the evening with Janet. No romance expected. It's funny, as I feel less attrated to her we get to spend more time together. How many times have I had opportunities to go places with her in the last year? And more times than not I would just as soon not go. That would have never happened a few years ago.

Again not an interesting entry. Tonight should at least give me a good subject for tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hardest part of the blog is the subject

Last night I went to my sister's house to eat dinner with her family. 2 of her kids are back from college for Easter break so it was a good chance to see them and get a good meal. It really wasn't anything special except she also invited her friend Cindy... who I had dated a couple of times a few years ago but never really could warm up to her. My niece Kate suspected a fix up but Cindy is just not that interesting to me. I also got the feeling she feels the same way.

While having dessert I mentioned to my sister, Maryliz that she has been seeing my friend Roberta at the gym... Maryliz just looked at me like she had no idea. Now Roberta had told me they had some conversations regarding me so but I had suspected that Maryliz wasn't really sure who Roberta was. I was right... Maryliz suddenly realized who I was talking about and said she wondered how she knew Roberta. This gave me a big laugh so on the way home I decided to call Roberta, but she wasn't there. Oh well, moment is gone now.

Janet has committed to going to see music with me on Thursday night. Turns out it's ladies night so her drinks will be half price. She is happy to hear that. She was sending emails to see if Roberta won't change her mind and go too. Doesn't look likely though.

That's it for today. It's just a quiet day.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

My World and Welcome To It

Spent a good part of last evening on the phone with Janet. We had a nice conversation and I was surprised at how she seemed to be very comfortable on the phone with me. It was as if she had wanted to hear from me. I told her about my vow to make getting fit a priority and how it was her advice that has inspired me. I did that if for no other reason to commit to making this happen. We spoke for a good hour.

So we are making plans. Nothing big, just going out to see some music on Thursday night. It's not a date. Let me make that perfectly clear. Neither one of us wants it to be that. Such an odd place I come to in my life. I can go out with Janet because I'm not that interested in her, but the one I really want to go out with, Coleen, I can't go out with because she is involved with someone. And Jami likes me but I don't like Jami that way. I wonder what Joe would say if he were still here. Some love life I have....

I also spoke with Lisa last night. She was considering going on Thursday night too but now she has other plans. She is having dinner with a contact she made where she hopes to be offered a better job. I asked her if this was a business dinner or a date. She was very evasive. She said she wants to maintain this contact in the hopes of getting a better job. I love how she rationalizes things. Basically she is cheating on Carmine and using this as an excuse. I guess I can't say anything since I'm only speculating. I'm just glad I'm not the one she cheats on.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Weekend Pt 2

Saturday I got up really early... like going-to-work early. I had all my errands done by 9 o'clock. I also did some work on the BOAT association. I knew i needed to take care of some other things too so I headed over to the marina and started getting things done on the boat. It is almost warm enough to get the boat ready for spring but I think i still need to wait a couple of weekends. I should have a task list for each weekend I think.

I also stopped in at my sister's to see her kids who just reurned from school for Easter break. I still don't know what the plan is for Easter because the kids may need to head back for school early and we may do the family thing on Saturday. I finally left there and guess what... it was time for happy hour!

So I headed for the bar and I met Jami in the parking lot and we went in together. It was just us for an hour. Eventually the rest of the regulars stopped in including Janet, but no Roberta or Coleen. I had determined to no be there late so I only had $20 to start the night. I still managed to stay until past 10. 

I had fun, but it was a basic Saturday night. Barely anything out of the ordinary. But we made plans for the St Patty's Day parade on Sunday. I got home early and went to bed.

Sunday morning I couldn't sleep so I got up and showered and made myself a nice breakfast. I had the Sunday morning paper and relaxed. But I was raring to go by 11 so I headed for Janet's before noon. The parade didn't start until 1 o'clock so we chatted in her living room for 20 minutes and took her car into the village for the paraade. Guess where they hace the parade? My favorite bar.

  Here are Judy, Roberta and Janet in front of JD Gates.

The parade was fun although there were no balloons...


When the parade ended we went inside for some free corned beef and cabbage.

So I was having a great day. It was really how I'd always liked my St Patty's day should be. A little cold but not snowy or wet. So after the parade ended and we were inside I turn around and who do I see ...Coleen... and no boyfriend.  That's Coleen, Janet, Judy and Roberta.

Coleen first came over and said hello and I chatted with her but she seemed so queiet and withdrawn. She just looked a little off. There was the usual "where's Mark" question... who was home and didn't come out because he didn't feel like it. I got the sense that Coleen got tired of sitting around. I know I was glad to see her but she seemed tense. I told her she seemed a little out of it but she just shrugged... so I made conversation and then we both mingled with other people. I know I'm rambling here but I'm trying to remember things as I am writing. Over the rest of the next hour or so I just would keep checking her out while we both talked to other people. I know it didn't go unnoticed either. I could see her loosen up and relax. What ever was bothering her when she arrived seemed to be okay now. She would catch me looking and make eye contact and always smile and wave. I wonder if she ever checks me out from across the room too?

So towards the end of the day/evening she came over and sat down next to me and then we had a nice moment... She wanted to do a shot... I rarely do shots since my drive home is some distance away but when Coleen wants a shot Mike will do a shot.  We actiually ended up doing 2. I had tequila and Coleen had flavord absolut. I mentions maybe I could have a lemondrop...  that's vodka, sugar and a lemon wedge... thats when Coleen told the story of how while she was married she was sharing lemondrops with her husband and spontainously stripped naked and jumped into a motel pool... with people watching. She said her husband ran after her and wrapped her in a towel. I never would have guessed that Coleen could be this kind of crazy. I found it to be a bit of a turn on.

Then Janet needed to go home and I had come in her car so either I needed to go then or I would be walking. I didn't want this moment to end so I told Janet I'd be fine and then Roberta said she would give me a lift. So I think I kind of blew Janet off although I didn't get a sense that it was even like that.

So I continued to talk to Coleen for another drink before she needed to head out to dinner with Mark. I finished mine and Roberta said she needed to go so we headed for her car. As we pullen up to my car she said out of nowhere she doesn't see Coleen staying with Mark. That's when I confessed to her that I would like to see Coleen but she seems happy with Mark but she also seems to flirt with me. I asked Roberta if she sees that too.... she said definately. So it isn't just me. So of course we get into this conversation as I have to go... she said she may call me later but she never did,. Too bad because there is still more....

So I get in my car and while on the way home I get a text message from Coleen. She says that when she got to Mark's he immediately started to vacuum. Now keep in mind I'm driving. I just responded with "Why?" Then said "Call me". By the time she did I had already arrived at home. She was hoping I was still at the bar. I couldn't figure out where she was going with this but I was hoping she and Mark were arguing and she wanted to get away. I was wrong... at least as far as what happened next made me think I was. She called me and asked if I'd like to meet her and Mark for dinner.... but lucky I was home so it didn't seem like a good isea for me to come all the way back.

So as near as I can tell one of these 2 scenarios were playing out.... Coleen just extended me an invite to dinner because she was just being nice and Mark was okay with that. Or, when she got there, Mark was upset that she was late and they had a moment of tension which is when she sent me a text and then they got over it so to cover herself she made a half hearted effort to invite me for dinner know I was home and would probably say no.  

There is my weekend... whew.

Mike-s weekend Pt 1

I was away from my computer practically all weekend. So living life is good. Mostly anyway.

I guess I'll go in chronilogical order. This may take more than one entry

Friday night I made my way to the Italian restaurant and had dinner with Janet. Just a simple dinner of pizza and chianti. Maybe it was the wine but I definately ran out of gas early. Towards the end of the night Janet and I started to discuss things more serious than usual. Appantly I made a comment the week before that I thought her harcut didn't look good. She said I should have said anything. I had thought that I said it wasn't a good look for her but i guess I may have been too critical... but I tried to make a point that since we are close friends I feel I can be honest and not just give her insincere compliments. I guess that opened the door because she then asked if I would like some honest criticism from her... I said she probably couldn't tell me anything I don't already know. So Janet then said to me I need to do something about how overweight I've become. I need to start exercising and watching my diet so I can be around for a good long life.

Like I said ... my little voice in my head has been saying the same thing. So maybe the thing standing in the way of my getting some of the things I've been complaining about on this blog is my own fault. I am taking what she said very serious. So here is my vow in this blog.... I will lose 10 percent of my current weight by Memorial Day weekend. That's 23 lbs. This will start the day after Easter. And I will try to begin running at least twice a week. My goal is to run the 5k with my brother over the summer. And I will get my bicycle out of the closet and ride at least once a weekend.  

Lisa has been dieting for at least a month and on Saturday I felt the need to talk to her about this. But my calls to her went unanswered and she never even tried to call me back. I wanted her advice and maybe to just share my pain a little. What Janet said is weighing very heavy on my mind... but I do know that what she said she said with love. She really cares for me. Maybe I'll go back to the gym and see what kind of membership I can afford.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I made it to Friday ...

I got paid today too... no overdrawn checks for a change. I have no evening plans as yet but I'm sure we will all meet at the bar. I was considering blowing it off and staying in but then what do I have to look forward to? A weekend of just me and the cat I guess. I'm looking at the weather and considering what I can do to start getting the boat ready for spring. Maybe I can start polishing. I always seem to put that off until it's too late.

What an uneventful week this has been. It's like everyone has disappearred. No emails or phonecalls. I wish I had an excuse to call but what about? Even Lisa nad I can't seem to sustain a conversation. And she doesn't seem to want to sign on to IM anymore. I can only just ride it out. I'm sure there will be a change ... there always is.

Sunday there will be a St Pattys parade to go to. That's about the only plan for the weekend I can wrap myself into. I hope it doesn't rain. I'll try to remember my camera so look for pictures next week.   

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Pictures ... I have pictures

This is Mike G. and Chris K. This was their first time playing at Madison's. They say they will be there every Thursday so there is a chance I will see them again.

Mariana and John live nearby. They've been married something like 5 years now. Mariana and I started at work at almost the same time. When I first met her I must have asked her out in about 10 different ways but she never said yes. But she always would find me at any company events, like the Chrismat party or a charity fund raiser. Now we will occasionally go out for a drink after work. Her husband John is a nice guy... damn.

That's not lipstick ... it's chapstick. This a night out at a place near where Lisa lives...

This is me, Lisa and her boyfriend Carmine. He's a nice enough guy but he just sits there all night. Maybe I intimadate him....

It's probably wrong of me to say this but I really hate that they are happy together. I try not to be jealous but it's hard. He can give her so much more than I can.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dinner with my sister's family

I accepted an invite from Maryliz to come for dinner. It wa a nice quiet evening that included a pork roast that was really a nice change for me. After dinner we looked at some of the old pictures that I have. We tried to figure out who most of the people were and Maryliz was pretty good at recognizing a lot of previously unknown faces. Kenny, my brother-in-law was his usual reserved self. Very quiet.

On the way there I got a call from Coleen. Just a short conversation about her GYNO tests last week. She said she is much better and she assured me that the tests were routine and expects nothing out of the ordinary. Well, that's a relief. She was actually out with Mark looking at new kitchen stuff. She spoke about his house as if she is entrenched into his life. I still don't know what it is that makes her tell me this.

It had me thinking last night as I was laying in bed with my insomniatic thoughts that I seem to be in this kind of situation over and over again. Whenever I find myself attracted to someone I can get close to them but only as a friend. In college it was Winnie T., at work it was Karen F. and Janet E., then Eileen from skiing, and Lisa, Janet, Roberta and now I see it happening again with Coleen. When I want to get closer I always find myself becoming a big part of a woman's life but never in the way I intend. I wish I could figure out what it is I do other than try to just make a connection. If love blooms I should see it. All I have right now are a bunch a dead flowers.

Okay - enough venting.

We will have a family conference call tonight regarding my dad's current condition. He should have completed his second chemo treatment. I don't know what to do other than listen and be hopeful.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

So little going on

With not much happening today I thought I might look back at the first house I knew growing up. This is one of the original Levitt houses built around 1950. This is pretty much as it was the day we moved in. Not that I could remember ... I was all of 1 at the time. It was a good place to grow up... lots of other kids on the street. We got in our share of trouble though so it was a good thing mom and dad got us out of there before we were in our teens.

Today I am home working. At least trying to. Haven't accomplished much. My sister just called me to invite me to dinner. Eating with family will be a nice change. A pork roast - yum. What elase to say. Maybe tomorrow or maybe later today. Sorry I don't have a better blog. At least I don't have any drama to deal with.

Oh... almost forgot... speaking of drama, Lisa's sister Ellen has her husband in the hospital Saturday. His symtoms included chest pain although they are saying it's not a heart attack. Lots of stress coming from there. Ellen has been having an affair and Frank (her husband) knows about it and while she says she has broken it off she hasn't. So Lisa is upset. Her problem since I never see her anymore. I'm more concerned with how Coleen's biopsey is.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Here I Sit - Sunday morning

My weekend is pretty much done even though I still have all day today. We pretty much got rain from Friday to all day Saturday. And not just a little rain either. But big rain all day. It was annoying but really had no impact with how I went about my day.

Friday night I went down to the bar and saw Coleen and Jami there. Jami is always there. I go in and see Jami and say hello and then I see Coleen. She isn't wearing the usual jeans and a flannel shirt. Today it's a pink top and a short black skirt. Really short. And tight. With black boots and sheer black stockings. Damn... I wasn't ready for this. She looked good. It was hard not to drool.

Of course she wasn't staying long. She was going to see her boyfriend Mark. It was the best hour and a half of my weekend. She keeps doing this thing where she will talk to me and stand just a little closer than someone would expect. It's never in a time and place where I can make any kind of move but if body language means anything I feel more is there. Just not now.

So I left the bar a little while after Coleen left and went to see Janet at our favorite Italian restaurant. We hung out and did our usual chit-chat about stuff. No romance there. I just like being out with Janet. We actually made some plans for Saturday that never became reality. We also made a trip back to the bar and I still haven't eaten. Yes... wine and no food.. I was done in a bout 5 minutes and headed home. It was only 10 o'clock. I got home and went right to sleep.

Saturday it rained so I was home all day. At 3 o'clock I got a call to meet at the bar. We would do happy hour and then call it a night early. I was fine with that. After going out Thursday and Friday nights I needed an early night. So I got to the bar at about 4:30 and at first saw the usual crowd there. Janet, Judy, Roberta, Jami were the girls. Then I noticed Coleen's Mark was there. I realized she was in the bathroom so she was there too. I had some money so I went to the jukebox to play some music. I'm starting to learn that when ever I do that Coleen will always come and help me pick songs. It's my best opportunity to have one-on-one conversation. And she does! Shee was telling me about her day when she kind of dropped a bomb on me. She had gone to her doctor and had a biopsy done. There may be a problem. I won't go into details but she really looked nervous. I was caught off guard and we did say it's just a test and she is probably fine. But then I said that bout my dad. So this bears watching.

She and Mark left soon after. When there were gone someone initiated a conversation about how she and Mark just seem like they aren't in sync. Of course i eat that up but I kept quiet. If sonething happens it shouldn't be because of me.

So that was how the night pretty much ended. I was home at 8 o'clock and watched the movie Grindhouse on cable. Good movie but you had to stay with it until the end for the payoff. Typical Tarantino movie.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Hello - another ding dang day

Went with Lisa and Carmine last night for dinner and to hear music. Mariana and her husband John came too. It was a good time. Made me think back to the days when I first starting hanging out at the NS Cafe with Janet. I really love hearing music live. Mike and Greg were awesome. We could only stay until about 10:30 because we all had work in the morning.

Although dinner with Lisa and Carmine was fine I feel a little odd seeing them together. Carmine is nice enough but he never talks. All the conversation at dinner was me and Lisa. I would try to bring Carmine into the conversation but he would just be passive and quiet to the point of making me very uncomfortable. I can't tell if I feel this way out of jealousy or I just find Carmine to be just weird. This is confirmed by an email I got this morning from it is;

It was nice seeing Lisa, she seems happy. Carmine is a very quiet guy. I don't think he actually said a word, just a lot of nodding. Are they dating long?

So there it is... it's not just me. I'll be curious to see if Lisa sees it eventually. Right now she seems happy and I should be her friend and let her be. She has already said to me that Carmine has a way of shutting down, whatever that means. So perhaps he isn't always so quiet and will become more outgoing over time. I may not be around much if he isn't.

I called Coleen yesterday after she sent me a text message. I'll be at the bar for happy hour and see her there. It was kind of an odd conversation as she was at Mark's house at the time and I'm sure he knew she was talking to me. Maybe I didn't need to call her but it seemed fine. I guess I'm not considered a threat to their bond. I will see her only a short time then she will go make Mark his dinner. I feel pretty silly even wanting something to happen with her. She once again brought up going to dinner at an Indian Restaurant. It's something that I don't even want to do anymore.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The week is dragging.

It's Thursday morning. I've been dealing with so many boring things I'm almost ready to give myself a lobodomy. Tuesday I went to a town hall meeting and actually represented my organization by voicing my concern over an issue. I did fairly well although I was nervous as hell. The fight or flight kicked in as fear we all I could think about. Lucky I had made a few notes so I concentrated on making my point and then moved on. I'm told I did fine.

This inspired me to take some action as far as getting our spring meeting scheduled and also move forward with some other things. I made about a dozen phone calls last night trying to reach members. So at least I made the attempt at being competent.

Tuesday I was on my way home on the train and I was feeling very chatty for some reason. I sent a text message to Coleen from my cell phone. She was out at the bar. She sent me a message :"How was your dad". I thought I must have told her about my dad being sick so I told her about his chemo. Turns out she meant to say "How was your day.?"  Only one letter different but a completely different question. So at first she thought I was getting chemo. I had to call her and explain. I'm starting to understand now just why it is I should run away and run away fast.

I did get an email from Janet this morning about making plans for a dinner with friends on April 5th. So I asked her to go out to hear some music tonight but she can't go. So I'll be going with Lisa and Carmine. So it will be a late night tonight.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Dinner with Lisa

Last night's dinner went as about as expected. Lisa came over a little later than I'd hoped and left a little early too. But for the 2 hours she was there it was life had returned to my house. She got there at a little before 7 p.m. and I was just about ready to serve dinner. We had wine and I finally gave her her birthday gift. It was the new Sarah Bareilles CD. It made her happy.

I noticed she had jewelry on her ring finger, but on her right hand. I took a closer look and realized it was an engagement ring. I immediately said "what's that... are you engaged?" She said no... that the the ring was her late sister's. But then she kind of rolled her eyes and said "I wish". So I fully expect that to be the next bomb to drop although Carmine at 50 something my be hesitant to get engaged. I reminded Lisa that she should be patient and even though they know each other for 15 years they only really became a couple a few months ago. Why am I the one who has to say this?

We talked about me and how I saw Coleen with her boyfriend on Sunday and also how I feel I have a "situation" with Jami. I could tell Lisa sees me as kind of lost as she couldn't give me much insight other than to proceed as I have been. It would be really bad if I caved in and had a fling just to have one, with someone who was within such a close circle of friends. And as far as Coleen goes... unless she suddenly threw herself at me I am just going to enjoy knowing her and maintain my distance.

There is a live music show near where Lisa lives on Thursday snd I asked her to go. So I think we will have dinner and then out on Thursday. Probably Carmine will come too. I need to get used to him being a big part of Lisa's world. Once again I will be the gracious loser and extend whatever olive branch I can muster. I actually was told about the music by Janet who I would have really liked to join me but she says she has plans. She also thinks it's too far away. She doesn't know what she is missing.

Monday, March 3, 2008

All about the weekend

Sunday I broke down and sent a text message to Coleen and told her I'd go up to the bar for a little while in the afternoon. I got there at 4 p.m. and no one was there so I got a beer and sat back and watched the Isles get beat. Before I even had 2 sips Coleen and Mark come rolling in. They grab 2 seats about half was down the end of the bar. So I go over and say hello and wish Coleen a happy birthday ... it was the day before. I said hello to Mark who barely shook my hand. I guess he sees me for who I am ... wishing I could steal his girlfriend. But I am the gracious loser and head back to my end of the bar. But I kept getting caught checking her out or maybe I kept catching her checking me out. We did have a few brief conversations but she was pretty much bouncing around talking to everyone she knows. She is very outgoing which is probably why I feel such and attraction. I keep telling myself not to look at her in a romantic way but it's really hard because she likes to touch me. Nothing sexual, but a hand on the shoulder or a hug that lasts just a little longer than I would expect. And we keep talking about going out for Indian food because we both love it and no one else really will go. She said we can just both go. Like a dream come true. Somehow I think that will never happen.

I didn't talk to Lisa all weekend and first thing this morning she sends me an IM. I realized that I hadn't really sat down with her in about a month. I still have her birthday present for her too. So I asked her to come to dinner tonight. I have a nice dinner that I can make. Of course the house is kind of a mess though. Lucky it's Lisa who I've never needed to try and impress even though I want to.

So there we are .... My life and where I'm at. Pretty much just running on ice.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Good time weekend

I have been going non-stop since I left work on Friday. This is my first chance to sit down and write. Just before leaving the office on Friday I received a call from Mike asking if I would join him Saturday to watch the Rangers hockey practice followed by a lunch where we would meet the players. That was fun but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Friday night I went to a bar crawl in Sea Cliff. I'll attach some pictures soon. There are only 4 places there so it wasn't anything huge. It was however very popular. They had 200 tickets and it sold out. It was fun. I saw quite a few people I recognized although not anyone I knew. It got crowded in some places which we are not used to. Janet and Roberta were drinking wine and they were done early. I ended the night having a drink at the bar with Jami. Again. I'm struggling with the fact I keep ending up with Jami who keeps offering to have me sleep on her couch rather than drive home. Anyone else and I'd be there. But I just can't.

Then I got up early and spent Saturday with Mike from the office watching the Rangers. I'm a Islander fan so I really wasn't as into it as Mike was but it was fun. We were sitting having lunch and this guy  introduced himself as Nigel and sat down to eat with us. I didn't even realize he was one of the players until I looked at a picture on the table. We had good conversation.

It was also good to hang with Mike. We used to talk every day and share lunch, but over the years we haven't really been able to hang out any more. Afterwards I saw his wife Gina and I sat for 30 minutes or so and had a nice conversation. It was great to renew friendships. I hope maybe we can do something like that again.

So while we were on our way back I got a call on the cell from Janet. I had wanted to have dinner with her so it worked out perfect. We agreed to have dinner at Stango's... a place we haven't gone to in months. I went there without even going home. We walked into Stango's and behind the bar is Erin, my cousin's daughter. She has worked there as a fill in bartender from time to time. She is like her mom, very pretty and outgoing. So rather than get a table we sat at the bar. It was fun and Janet and I drank a ton of wine. My cousins Bernadette, Patty Anne and Peter all cam in too. So I was having a good time bouncing around from one conversation to another.

After Stango's we stopped at the Bar and had a nightcap. Then I drove her home where she got right out of the car and went in. I was glad to be going home... even though it was late. So I did do everything I'd planned ... but no romance which is no shock. In fact Janet struck up quite a conversation with my cousin Peter. I wonder what could happen there. Not even a twinge of jealousy.

Things I didn't do ... See Coleen on her birthday. Talk to Lisa. Very unusual but not a big surprise. Both are involved with their boyfriends so I am so much better off not thinking about them. But I still do. Less and less though.