It's a free ride when you've already paid.

Friday. Yay. I think. I haven't done much this week to be proud of. I've blown off the gym and have no excuse. I just go home and get on the couch and can't move. No where to go. March needs to end now. Spring is here but it is still kind of cold. The 70 degree weather that teased us a week ago is just a memory now.
At least tonight I have a plan I reached out to Janet and she and her friend Roberta and I are going to a seafood restuarant for dinner tonight. I recently found out that Janet's daughter will have her first grandchild in September and it's a secret. The rest of my weekend is kind of up in the air. I wouldn't mind doing nothing. I know I need to stay away from the bar.
I called Carolyn last night but could only get her voicemail. I'm not even sure if she even still has the phone since it may have been tied to her job that she no longer has. I don't even care that she never called me back.
What does bother me is I don't hear much from Lisa lately. I know she has to focus on a big project at work so I've been trying to let her come to me. But I also still continue to be nagged by this feeling she has something going on at work besides the project. His name is married Mark and that is all I know.
I read with keen interest the tips from VJ on getting laid and while she does have good advice, there wasn't really anything there I don't already know. Unfortunately like Alanis Morrissette says in her song Ironic, there's good advice that you just can't take.

My dreams are not coming true.

I overslept this morning so I had to take the later train. It was nice to get the extra sleep but I don't have my usual morning time to create a big post. My plan was to create a list of things that no one here probably knows. I'll try but it will definitely be shorter than originally planned.

1. I was an English major in college but flunked out because I couldn't write well enough.


2. I didn't have a girlfriend either in high school or college.


3. From the time I was 24 until I was 44 I moved 14 times. Always less than 5 miles away.


4. I play Strat-o-matic baseball since I was 12, first with cards and dice and now with computer. The factory is located less than a mile from the house I grew up in.


5. In almost 20 years at my job I've taken less than 10 sick days.


6. I have more than 3000 cd's. Seems like I never listen to them though.


7. Up until 10 years ago I would go skiing in Vermont at least 10 weekends in winter each year. Since then I've skied exactly once. And I was VERY afraid.


8. I own a guitar but I don't know how to play it.


9. In three years I learned how to scuba dive and logged over 100 dives. I haven't gone on a dive in over 8 years.


10. I own a boat that my mom and dad traveled everywhere from Maine to the Bahamas and the Florida Keys. When I first got it I took it out to Martha's Vineyard and Newport, but I have not gone overnight on it in about 8 years.

I have dreams and I have what I need to get to where I want to go but I have been so stuck in life I'm not sure if I'll ever find what I want. I know it's 99 percent my doing and I guess I need to make my own way.

A Blog about nothing.

I made a small mistake while paying my bills. Seems I did pay my cell phone bill and it is not overly late. I found the payment in my online statement. But I'd already written out the check, put it in the envelope, sealed and stamped it. Lucky I did not mail it. I can still send it, just not yet. I can put it in the mail in 10 days or so and it can go towards next month's bill.
Other than the fact that I am ahead on my bills right now I am feeling very unmotivated. Spring is here and there is lots to do but I have not prepared myself for anything. I will need to get the boat ready soon and I expect it will start this weekend. I'm just not sure I'm up to it.
I've also decided that I'm staying away from the bar for the foreseeable future. I'm just not feeling like it's worth the money I've spend there. Lately I'm much happier at home or making plans with other friends. But mostly I've been staying in.
It's been especially tough getting out of bed lately. And I feel like I need a nap most of the day. I'm afraid it may be sleep apnea. It feels like I may be snoring a lot more than usual, which may be related to my congestion. There is no one there so I can't be too sure. I guess it is that time of year. I am considering taking a day off soon just to sleep in a bit. Thus far this year I've taken just one single paid day and I have about 9 weeks in the bank so it isn't like I can't. I really wish I had a vacation plan.

Do I need advice?

Apparently one of my fellow bloggers, VJ has decided to tutor me in the ways of seduction. She is putting it into her blog on Thursday, which means I will have it available to me by the weekend. Maybe she can tell me what I don't already know, but I think maybe she should stick to poker. From what I understand you can be lucky with the opposite sex or you can be lucky in cards, but not both.
That being said, I've always looked at the process of seduction to be very much like playing a hand of poker. You have a hand that you are dealt and you look at your cards and you wonder if the hand is good enough. You look for signals to see if the other hand is good enough. A pair of deuces never feels good but sometimes it's enough. You want to go all in but you need to see weakness first. So you check raise and wait and wait. You can't show those cards because you are fairly sure you can be beaten, so then there is the bluff. Raise the stakes, but don't go all in. This just goes on forever.
Okay, now I've beaten that metaphor to death. I sat down last night and paid some bills. At some point I realized I haven't paid my cell phone bill since January. How'd that happen. I could have sworn I'd taken care of all my payables. Oh, well. The check is in the mail. Back to work.

It's a Mike Life

This past weekend was spent doing little to nothing. I did get to spend some time with Lisa on Saturday. But that ended be late evening. The rest of my weekend was all about being home and not much else.
Friday night I decided to not do the same old thing and didn't go out and drink at the bar. Instead I went to the mall about bought new bedding. That cost me a little more than $100. I have basically been sleeping under the same comforter for about 10+ years so no doubt I was overdue to get something new. It has been just me the entire time so it isn't like I need to impress anyone. I just hope the cat likes sleeping on it.
Saturday Lisa and I went to Target for her to get stuff. We were going to get Indian food first but we timed it badly and they don't actually serve people between 3 and 5. We were too hungry so we grabbed a sandwich and a beer at Boulder Creek. We then did the Target thing and I consider buying a few things but couldn't pull the trigger on anything.
I was home alone watching TV on Saturday night. Sunday my only trip out was to go grocery shopping. Yes... I shopped all weekend. I just hope I'm done for a while.
So finally at 5PM I am prepping a big tray for baked ziti when I get a call from Carolyn. Geez, what a mess she is right now. On Friday I got a message that her daughter Monica had her car break down. I was not going to do too much so I gave her the info to have it towed to Carmine and have him fix it, which he did do. So on Sunday she called me about her mess up health insurance. Now I work for health insurance but I'm not an expert. She lost her job and her old company was not picking up any extension for her health care. Meanwhile she is supposed to have coverage through her ex-husband who is not doing much if anything about supplying that. So she tells me all this and the best I want to do is just listen and give thoughtful advice. I am not doing stuff since at the end of the process all I ever get is "you are a good friend" and then she goes off and finds another guy to make her happy. She needs to fix it herself.

ObLaDe ObLaDa Life Goes On

It's finally Friday. I've been suffering with either a cold or allergies all week. Yesterday I sent to my allergist and got shots and it seems much better. I guess there is a down side to the early spring weather we've been getting.
Because I've been sick I've missed going to the gym all week. So much for "Jogging for Jesus". I expect to go on Saturday. I've had virtually no social contact all week until yesterday when I reached out to Lisa. It was good to hear that her application for a mortgage is moving along. It's at least a 2 month process so it remains to be seen if she will move before Mother's Day like I expect.
I have been feeling guilty about not calling Carolyn but her out of work situation just gets me off of her. She was not interested in any more than friendship and right now it feels like she can't really give much of that. So this morning I got an email from her daughter Monica. Her car broke down and she wants Lisa's boyfriend to see if it can be fixed. I just sent her the number to call and it will get taken care of. Still have yet to hear from Carolyn.
I have zero plans for the weekend. I'm just not making them. I'll get things done at my own pace and not worry about anything.

Close the deal? I'm not even in the game.

I don't even know if I what to write this today. Seems that I have been getting an enormous amount of spam hits to my comments and I wonder if another post will do any more than just generate more spam. I do have things to say so I'll just let it go and move on.
Not much went on last week until Friday. I have made myself a promise to make going to the gym a priority and I have so far made good on that. But that has left me with little time of energy for much else.
But Friday was my nephew Jamie's wedding and it was a full on family event. My mom flew in from Florida and it was nice to see all of us together. I'm still getting used to having Linda using our last name. The wedding itself was one of the more classy, well done events I've been to. You could see there was a lot of effort that went into ti. They had written much of their own words into the vows and there was none of the immature wedding traditions that sometimes dominate wedding receptions. No throwing of the bouquet or garter. The cake ceremony was simply a tender moment without the moushing of the food into each other's mouths. All that said it was a pleasure to see them taking the start of their marriage seriously. But still I couldn't wait until it was over.
By the end I was really feeling empty and sad. I didn't want to be happy for them. I hope it didn't show but it must have a little. I've never been good at hiding how I feel. It probably didn't help that I felt a little under the weather. When the opportunity to leave presented itself, as my brother Sean left with his two young children, I also said goodbye and left.
When I awoke Saturday I was feeling a little better but there was no going to the gym. I arose early but most just bummed around the house most of the day. I had hopes of hearing from Lisa and when I didn't hear from her by late afternoon I sent her a text. She was at the ER. It seems her mom had fallen the night before and needed stitches. Once I'd learned she was going to be okay my concern was what had made the mom fall. They were looking at that. She has a pacemaker and they suspected it had something to do with that. So Lisa was going to be dealing with that the rest of the night.
I also went to see mom at my sister's in the hope that I could get her to come to my house for dinner, but once again my sister had already made the decision to have it at her house. I was a little annoyed but I didn't want any conflict and I ended up having dinner at their house. My brother Brian showed up with his new puppy so it turned into a family night. I hadn't seen any friends so far the whole weekend.
But Sunday was the traditional St. Pats Day parade in my town so I went to see that. Before hand I did make it into the gym and enjoyed a cup of coffee with Lisa. She had plans to go to work. Yes, on a Sunday. I am suspicious that she is using work as a rouse to spend time with her "married" co-worker Mark. I can see that window closing although it was never really open.
The parade was okay but I didn't want to spend the whole day doing nothing but that. The parade itself is always great, but then it's over and all the people I know just sit in the bar and get hammered. I'm trying to get other things done. While I was there I noticed this attractive blonde that I swear I'd never seen before talking to one of my other friends. Then she came over to me and gave me a big hello and she knew my name. Okay, we've met before but I had no recollection of it.
Not knowing her name made me feel really stupid so I just said hello and moved on. Normally that would be end of the story as I decided to leave not long after that and get some work done down at the boat. I wasn't down there and got the engine started for the first time since November. It took only a few minutes. I was enjoying the warm weather and I was looking at my facebook stuff when I noticed my cousin had posted a picture from the tiki bar only minutes a go. So I decided to stop there and say hello. Well, I walk in the the first one I see is the blonde again. And this time she gave me another nice hello and then put her arm around my waist. Body language like that I almost never get but I was still not even sure who she was. Still feeling embarrassed I saw my cousin and other family and I went there and chatted. Later I saw Janet and I asked who this blonde girl was. She told me her name is Connie and she worked at a restaurant we've been to. Ahh, so that's it. She recognizes me as a customer. And me I missed that. Janet also mentioned she had only recently ended a relationship. Well, maybe that explains the touching. She was also very very intoxicated. Last I saw she was being helped by her friends who were making sure she got home okay. Obviously not the right girl, but still I'm so slow on things. I'm probably never going at get any.

What to write when nothing happens.

All my weekend planned activities were a no-go. Friday night I was planning on spending a quiet dinner with my brother-in-law, but he was needed at the hospital to be with his 94 year-old dad. The dad is fine. He was at the hospital for something minor, but since he is at an advanced age he became agitated and that required the son to make a trip. So that cancelled dinner plans although I did get to pick him up from the hospital and drive him home.
Saturday's plan was to attend a 50th birthday celebration at a club for Loni. But Loni cancelled that due to some unknown reason. I wasn't too unhappy as it was planned to start way later than I can typically stay out. The days of going out to a party until 1 AM are long gone. So I was home again on Saturday night.
On Sunday I went shopping with Coleen and her odd friend Barbara. I'm not overly fond of Barbara. Actually I don't like her at all. I considered blowing off the call from Coleen but I wanted to get some things anyway. I spent about $100. Probably stuff I didn't need. It was my only time that I was social the whole weekend so I guess i needed it.
I guess that's not totally true. I did see Lisa in the gym on Saturday morning and followed that with coffee at Starbucks. That was the best part of my weekend. Lisa is progressing on her purchase of a co-op just a few doors away from mine. She still has not told her ex-fiance/boyfriend/guy she is living with. That's right. She has a confirmed contract and all she has said was she want to move out. So he knows a little but Lisa is holding off saying the whole thing. I guess she figures it may make the time she has left to stay there that much more uncomfortable, but I think it's more she is afraid of the confrontation it may bring. Meanwhile I maintain a safe distance, mostly because she keeps that. It is my belief Lisa has someone at work she want to get involved with but can't until she is free.
There is a lot of things piling up at work and I have a family event on Friday. My nephew is getting married. So it may be hard to create any long winded posts. I expect I'll push one out before Friday. We will see.

Trying something different

I feel really good right now. Let's face it ... I've never had much success with the ladies and that is probably how my life was meant to be. But at least right now I feel like I've got everything else in order. This time last year I was fighting for my life at work, and losing my job would have put my brand new residence at risk, since I've always said I would pack up and leave New York if I'd ever found myself out of work. But yesterday I received a bonus check of more than $5000, that is net, not gross. The full amount was $8000 plus. Not a bad windfall since I was not expecting anything. So I now have no money worries. Bills paid. Check. Nice place to live. Check. Lisa becoming my neighbor. Check. Weather getting warmer. Check.
Things are good. I've even got plans for the weekend. I have dinner tonight with my brother-in-law Ken. My sister is in Florida visiting mom so I called him and said "let's do dinner". Kenny is very laid back, almost boring, but we get along okay and he has always been there for me. Maybe more so than my brothers.
Then yesterday I got a call from Loni. She has been cutting my hair since forever and when she needed money last fall I loaned her what she needed. I'm not sure if I'll ever see it again but since I had it I though I could. Since then things have been even easier. I'm chalking that up to good karma. Maybe. Loni reached out to me in what I had hoped would be her telling me she was paying me back, but no that wasn't it. She is celebrating her birthday on Saturday and wanted me to come. I gave her a maybe, but I am leaning towards going. There not other offers right now. I'm wondering if I should bring someone. Then who? And then I think I've met some of Loni's friends and maybe I should look to cash in some karma and go alone. Worse case I go give her a card and if I feel like it's not for me I'll just make a quick exit.
At least I can be social. I guess no one seeing me in any of my usual places will be good too, since nothing much is happening with the status quo. It is the insane man who keeps doing the same things and expecting a different result.

Good times

I guess I completely missed yesterday. Not that anything of value occurred. I did have hopes of putting up a photo or two of my nephew in his dress blue uniform. Problem is I am at work and the pictures are at home.
I did finally call Carolyn. It is getting so hard to talk to her right now. I start by asking how she is doing and her response was "I don't have a job". From there the conversation only gets worse. I get to hear a ten minute rant about her this is all the fault of her ex-husband and he is at the root of everything that is bad in her life right now. All this is true but she can't seem to have a conversation about anything else. She can't make plans. She feels abandoned and alone, but refuses to accept any offers to help. She just wants to wallow in her misery. Which is fine by me.
Then yesterday she sends me a text that our mutual friend Hank is no longer working as the dockmaster for the yacht club near the boat. I'm not a member so it means little to me except there is another friend who needs a job. I'm thankful that I can stay employed.
Actually I'm doing a little better than that as I've been given a bonus that should be in my account tomorrow. More than $8K. Sweet. I wasn't expecting that. So now I can relax financially. I still don't know if I'll ever see the money I loaned to Loni again but at least I can absorb it.
Lisa will sign her contract on her new co-op. She will become my neighbor some time in May. I want this to be a good thing but I still can't help but look at her with potential, and I know she has no feelings like that. Or at least she has never given me anything to pin my hopes on. So I will continue to enjoy her company as a friend and maintain a stiff upper lip. She is dropping by later tonight to look at what steps she still needs to take to secure her mortgage.

I put the Weak into weekend

I got out a lot this weekend. I've completely pushed Carolyn out of the picture. There is a little guilt about that since she is so down on her luck right now. But I have no desire to try and fix her shit nor do I want to hear about it any more. I won't ever say I'm done with her but I have definitely looked in another direction. I expect I will break sometime this week and call her to see how she is doing.
Meanwhile, since it was Coleen's birthday last week I found myself reaching out to her on Friday to see if she would be out and about. She made an appearance at the bar with her boyfriend, so I got to say happy birthday. Then I found myself agreeing to take her to dinner on Saturday because the boyfriend was working. He even said, "yeah, take her for Indian food". The next thing I know we have her other friend Barbara going as well. I am not overly fond of Barbara. The truth be told I wasn't all that thrilled about the evening at all. I am way past the point of spending too much time with Coleen. We aren't that close anymore and I am fine with that. I do miss her sometimes but if I can see her in the bar every now and then that is enough. I've sort of put it into my head that I'm not going to do any more dinner's with Coleen.
Sunday morning found me at the gym with Lisa. Then Lisa's sister Ellen was there as well. The best part was coffee afterwards. They were planning on attempting to cook a Indian dish and were considering all the ingredients they would need. I pretty much concluded this this would be an all day event. I had to see my family for something at 1 'clock so even though they wanted me to come along I bowed out. But at 5 o'clock I got a phone call inviting me to dinner. They did a good job cooking the tikka masala. I was right about it taking them all day. But they are sisters and I think they liked it. Thing is I pretty much had the same dinner 2 nights in a row.
I ended up hanging out there for most of the evening. I got to hear about Lisa's issues with her soon to be ex-fiance. She is about to buy her own place but she says she is still in love with him. When she told him she would be moving out he just said "it's over, it's been over". And yet it feels like she is holding on to something. So I am still on the outside looking in.

In like a lion

Today is March 1. It should be just another start to a month but it is also Coleen's birthday. In prior years I used to try to find the ideal present for her. Last year I baked a cake and brought it to her house when she cooked a dinner. But this year I haven't really seen her in a while so I am not planning anything. I did text her this morning and we have gone back and forth a bit. She wants me to take her to dinner at our favorite restaurant but she can't commit to when. Part of me really wants to take her but I know I should just let her go. She should have her boyfriend take her and just leave me alone. I really prefer to spend my time with someone who really wants me.
I spoke to my brother Sean yesterday on the phone. He and his wife are proceeding towards a divorce. He sounded more upbeat than I expected. I'm glad. I was thinking he might be in a really bad way. He says he is looking forward to getting out and meeting new people. And dating again. Maybe he can have better luck than I have.