Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I will walk this path alone.

My posts have become fewer and fewer. That's because I've about given up. I mean here I am 55 years old and I write about stuff a high school kid would probably laugh at. For what ever reason i am unable to make anything happen in a meaningful way. I lack the ability to get what I want and while I know it is basically my own doing I just can't seem to get past this. As time goes on I feel it is less important.
This is not the end of my blog but I am not sure if I will be a regular poster any more. Right now I am pursuing nothing. Coleen, remember Coleen? I have not heard from her in weeks and I hardly even think about how hung up on her I once was. Janet? Not really talking to her either. She doesn't call me and I'm fine with that. Lisa? She keeps saying she wants to leave Carmine, but why she tells me I don't understand. I told her she should sleep with me. Since then she hasn't really seen me. We still text a few times a week.
So that just leaves Carolyn. I took her out last Friday night and at the end of the night I tried to kiss her. Just not happening. She won't. I'm ready to walk.
So I feel very much like I want no one to be close to me. I am not what they are looking for. They are not what I am looking for. Friends I have. I want someone to share my life with. Unless I see that about to happen I may just walk my own path for a while.
So I may not add a new item here or I may find myself back with new thoughts tomorrow. We will see. But this is my here and now. Still dealing with a single day at a time.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I need a compass

Another week has gone by and it's all drama and as always not in a good way. I've been in Florida at my mom's house since last Saturday. My mom left to visit some of her friends up north and I am here alone taking care of her dogs. While I love the dogs there isn't much here to do. I feel very inti-social but it's also pretty unexciting. Meanwhile I get all these bitch calls from people. Lisa wants my sister to look in on Tigger so she is only going there when I tell her no one else will go. And my sister is bitching about how I am never there unless I need something. And what's worse is they are right as I have not been doing much visiting lately.
Then there is Carolyn. She has been in court this week still fighting over the scraps of her marriage. This is the longest divorce in history. We talk and she gives me bits and pieces of what is going on. She doesn't really want to tell me much. I'm sure there are many things she does not tell me. I expect that. I just get a sense she will never ever let go of how she feels persecuted. I'm sure there is a lot of that but at some point you need to find a compromise and begin the process of moving on.
This is why I am staying in a holding pattern. Honestly I have considered if this is going anywhere. Sometimes it feels like she is ready then other times it feels like she is never getting off the pot. She might be broke and looking for a new place to live with her son, daughter, 4 cats and an assortment of other pets ... turtle, bird and some fish. I'm sure she would love someone to swoop in and save her from this mess but I don't see it being me. It would be a mistake.
So I am sitting alone in Florida wondering what my next direction will be,

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Older but no wiser

I took Carolyn out to dinner last night. It was a good meal. And that is all it was. My mind is just not right for more that that. I wanted to ask her something about if there can be more for us but I just left it unsaid.
Prior to dinner I went to get my haircut and got some advice from Loni. She seems to think I need to step up and demand to have sex. She makes is so simple and uncomplicated. Then I sit and listen to Carolyn and my ability to make it happen just shuts off.
After dinner we said good night and I sensed a strange moment where Carolyn held me tight but I move in for the kiss and get nothing. To be honest I was tired and just was ready for home. When did a good night's sleep become more important than sex? Is that bad? Am I just accepting what I get? The older I get the less I know.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Pictures and I'm not in any of them

Lisa and Ellen - sisters.

I was at the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. I saw lots and lots of people there, including Coleen and her guy Tommy. I just snapped a picture for the hell of ot. I had a short conversation with her but I've been over that for about a year now.

Carolyn did call me but she wasn't coming so it was another weekend where I didn't see her. We spoke a couple of times but for one reason or another we have not gotten together. Some of that is on me.

There were others there and it was fun to see some people, such as these two. That is Abby and Donna. I know them from high school.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Love is needy.

Isn't it funny how it is the shortest comment (from Josie) that says the most. She says "I'm with Jimmy". My first thought was "How does she know Jimmy?" Then I realized she was referring to what he was telling me and agreeing. I just wish I could be more secure. That being said I had several conversations with Carolyn but did not ever see her. She doesn't think I'm mad about anything. I guess we are friends. No urgency there.
I move on. I went to the annual street fair they have in the town I grew up in. I got to see lots of people I know from High School. I took some pictures which I hope to post at some point. I didn't spend any time with anyone and was home early. I am not feeling very loved today. Lucky I'll be in Florida by the weekend. I need to get away.