Weekly words

Hopeful? Maybe not the right word for my mood. Maybe I only want to be hopeful. It gets so hard not to be disappointed sometimes.

Since I had that long talk with Lisa that included a really great kiss we haven't really had more than a minute or 2 to talk. She must be avoiding me. I also don't want the confrontation. But it is making me very sad. I guess I miss the nice feeling I used to get when she gave me some of her time. Somewhere I can hear this little vioce in my head telling me this is what we should have been all along. No sense pining for someone that I'll never get. So I've been avoiding all the little things I could do to contact her. But I found myself thinking about doing a drive-by her house. Like that would fix things... fix what? Go back to what was there before? That's not healthy.

Wednesday night I squirrelled my cell phone into the bottem of my backpack and didn't notice a missed call until I was getting ready for bed. It was a number I didn't recognize. There was a voice message. To my pleasant suprise it was Janet calling from home. She wanted to know if I could go to a dinner/wine tasting next month. It was way too late to call back but I would definately go and needed to tell her. I send an email.... so impersonal ....  and promised a followup phone call the next day. I need to get $50 to her and we agreed to maybe get together on Saturday. Saturday! That's, like, date night? I wish I had perspective. I still don't get a vibe from her that means anything other than she would like to be my friend. Part of me really wants to shy away from another woman who I like way too much to want friendship. All I really need is to be a little more aggressive but in a way that doesn't create tension. Well, maybe a little tension.  

So I will try to take some action and have some more substance for this thing. Maybe make it worth reading one day.

I need to vent

Been running through my mind what has been happening with Lisa and I since we kissed on Labor Day. She is really keeping her distance. She initially seemed really confused... confessed to me that she couldn't sleep for 2 nights. So for the last 3 weeks she isn't as accessable and while this may be because she has quite a bit on her plate it's more than likely by design. Obviously she doesn't want to deal us as more than friends. I feel that down deep. And since I get that vibe I don't really want to spend too much time with her either. She's probably thinking if she stays away long enough it can all blow over.

I wonder what her sister Ellen said to her last weekend. She was there Saturday and Sunday. I can't figure out whether Ellen has influence over Lisa or not. I thought maybe she was pushing Lisa towards me last month and that's why Lisa was so open to the idea of us having more. But since then nothing has really happened.... in fact we are less close.

I've been thinking I should put my feeling into poetry. I'm not much of a poet but I want to touch her somehow. Right now all I have is jumbled up words and feeling that I am unable to express. Maybe if I write a poem I can read it to her and she will see how deep my feelings go.

Part of me wants to just let it all go and make a pass at Janet. I am so afraid of falling down.... it's not like I'm walking a tight-rope with out a net. I just need to feel something back before I can step off the edge. I will try to do this tonight.... poetry.

The lonely weekend is over

This past weekend started with such promise. I picked Lisa up at the airport at 10:30 p.m. and took her and 2 of her friends home. A stop in Brooklyn, then Queens, before getting to her house in Hicksville at a little past 1. We went inside and enjoyed a glass of wine but I was so tired I went home immediately with the promise we would talk on Saturday.

That never happened as she was at her yoga center then her sister's all weekend. I got a call late Sunday night but I'm a little more than bummed out that I only saw her when I was tired and cranky.

Janet went to Block Island with all the people I'd been seeing at the beach this summer. I got an email that they are back and we can have dinner and get details next weekend.  

Getting through the week.

Not much to say. Nothing much is going on. Staying focused and working hard is pretty much all I've got right now.

Sunday was a fairly busy day. I went to the beach and got some sun. Janet made an appearance and it was nice to see her as always. The group, including Janet are all going to Block Island this coming weekend and I was invited but I fould that it was more money than I can afford.

In fact I am overdrawn at the bank by more than $300 and I've got all of a dollar in my pocket. Very sad state of affairs right now. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, lonely winter. I get paid on Thursday. I should survive until then.

Saturday night at home

No money, no friends, no life.

Spent the day domestically. Cleaning, vacuuming, laundry. Al full day of household chores. It was supposed to be a rainy day but iy was actually sunny most of the day. Hot and muggy too.

Lisa made it to Arizona. I got several text messages. I wonder how much she sends text messages to others. She won't love me but she loves talking to me. I will pick her up next Friday. She wanted to make sure I could go out with other people if I had other plans.

Something strange happened on Thursday night. Her car wouldn't start and she called me for help. It seemed like she had no gas but she said she had plenty of gas. So I looked and couldn't get it started so I decided to call for a tow truck. You see, my brother-in-law Kenny has a towing business. Lisa was worried about how much it would cost and I told her "don't worry about it - you're family." She momentarily freaked out... like I'd stepped over some kind of line. I told her to relax, just that Kenny knows you and you are like family. Of course I wish she really was family. Not happening and if there was ever a "tell" that was a big one. Still never really talked about it though.

I can go to the beach in the chance that Janet will be there. Or I can go to Lonnie's house and watch the Jets/Miami game. I am to call her first so maybe I'll decide at the last minute. Yeah, that's working for me.

My morning trip to the airport

Needed to get up early this morning to drive Lisa to the airport. She is going to Sedona fior a week. I overslept but we made it in plenty of time. So I left in such haste I skipped a shower and shave. I'm really icky.

Feeling normal at last

I got a phone call from Lisa last night. Mostly talked about her coming trip to Sedona, AZ. I'll be taking her to the airport early on Friday morning. I feel like she just wants to erase the kiss we shared. I'm working on it. Maybe we will talk in the car but I hope not. I'm ready to move on but still want to hold on to something even if it's only a fantasy. She gets back in a week at 10:30 next Friday. She told me if I had something else to do I didn't have to pick her up. Like I would just let her get off the plane and not want to be there. Maybe I should.

Thoughts of a new day

I've been thinking about how needy I feel. I thought I had a good handle on things but I don't. I really miss hearing from Lisa. I am trying to convince myself that she is processing and on top of that she is preparing for her trip to Sedona. I hope that's true but deep down I know she doesn't want to deal with the fact that we can't have what I want... what I've always wanted ... what I will probably always want. Her and I to grow old together. I going to be fine. I have some regret but nt much really. I feel good we had a moment and don't expect more that that. But if she tells me she can't be with me that way I need to prepare how I can handle that. My heart won't change. It will hurt. Even if I've made myself prepared. It still hurts. She knows that. She is avoiding that moment. That is what I believe. 

I'll find a distraction soon. I always do.

Things get back to normal

Monday was a very quiet day. No emails from Janet... and no phone call from Lisa. I promised myself I would talk about what happened with Lisa to anyone, and yet that's all I can do. I want to have it again but can't so I talk about it to death. I was hoping this blog would allow me to process this stuff without venting on all my friends but that doesn't seem possible.

I did get a nice email from Laura and Eileen called me to wish me a happy birthday. That should be something. Eileen is married but we were friends since before and we seem to have an ability to talk things out pretty well. She thinks little of Lisa because she has pretty much been along for the ride since we met. She thinks a new thing with Janet has more possibilities that anything I could ever have with Lisa. Perhaps that is true. Especially if Lisa can't get past whatever it is that is freaking her out now.  

Weekend

I'm going somewhere - just wish I knew where. I'll get there.

Didn't see Lisa at all. Spent practically all weekend arounf Janet and her friends. Not anything like a date but really was enjoying the fact that we are close. Of course my big mouth always tripping me up. I've got to send her an email this morning just to try and keep the energy flowing.

I need to start from the beginning.... So I didn't hear from Lisa about Friday night and I knew she was working and probably not able to go out anyway so I reached out to Janet and made a plan to see her at Steamboat. Her words.... "I'mk not doing anything anyway so sure I'll meet you there." Oof... not really a date but at least I'm not sitting next to the phone waiting to hear bad news from Lisa. Best thing to do is to keep out there. So I am get there about 7 thinking Janet would be there soon, but turns out she was home waiting to hear from me. It turns out okay as she got her friend Sue and they both came at around 8. I almost left too.

So we chatted it up and I bought her a drink and she asked if I wanted to come to her house for a family barbeque on Saturday at around 4. I said I would like to but I had to do something until 6 could I come late. I figured I would go to Joe's little boat party first and leave and hang out at Janet's. Still not a date but good.

I am at Joe's and at around 3 and I called Lisa's cell and left a message. I felt like I was cheating. She called and said she just wanted to stay home and relax. So I said I would be at the party. Didn't say anything about Janet's. I was considering asking her to go to that. Could I do that? Nah! So I had my out. She said if I wanted I could always come by. I'll tell her about Janet but not yet.

So I went to Janet's late and enjoyed some beer and she has a fire pit. Very family oriented. Her 3 kids were all there and her mom, and brother and some other people. It was a really great night and we ran out of wood at around 11 so everyong left. I took my queue from that and didn't over stay my welcome. Part of me thought I could stay and play my hand but with the kids all upstairs I thought I should go. Last thing Janet said was we could meet at the beach Sunday.

The vibe I have been getting from Lisa is that she wants to not get involved with me in a sexual way, but she really isn't ready to tell me so we pretty much didn't talk at all this past weekend. Just a short conversation on Saturday afternoon.

So I don't really feel that good right now. The one thing I want I can't have. I just don't see anything really happening with Janet. She is beautiful and bright and I could make it my life mission to make her happy if only I could let go of Lisa.

Sunday at the beach was really fun. I am starting to think Janet is looking at me more. It's time for my to get off the pot and take more chances. I won't let my next oppurtunity slip away. This is a promise I make to myself.

I'm too tired to think

It's very hard to explain how I feel. I had no contact with Lisa yesterday. I don't want to read too much into that but it's very hard not to feel sad. God, maybe I am too needy. I know what I know and if she needs to really think this much I don't think I even want her. I never believed she really could love me anyway but I get my hopes up anyway. I'm already preparing myself for what I will say when she tries to explain to me how she feels. I already know. I don't want to even hear it. I am thinking I should avoid her this weekend. Let her stew a bit. I could take the boat over to Port Washington alone and hang out Saturday night with the scuba group.

Sent out some emails yesterday trying to get other things going so I don't just leave myself alone and depressed. I took the boat out for a sail last night and invited Janet, who didn't respond. I left a voice message on Tracy's cell phone. Nothing back from her either. I also sent Carolyn an email hello but the answer came late last night. It would be so ironic if I ended up involved with a married woman. Never, ever wanted to go there but my ego has suffered so much I feel that I could take affection pretty much from anywhere.

So the weekend is coming up and I don't have a clue what to expect. In my head I play out a scenario that has my boat in Port Wash and Lisa comes to Joe's party and joins me overnight. Fantasy world is so much better that my reality. I still think that will be what I prepare for unless something else falls my way. You want to bet something else will?

She's thinking way too much

I went to see Lisa after she got off of work last night. Almost 11 p.m. We just relaxed and had wine. Almost started to discuss what happened last weekend and she cut me off. She just wanted to relax and so did I. Sort of. I was thinking we could do more kissing but obviously she is freaking more than a little bit. I know this is a mistake but I'll give her some space and let her be.

Problem with that is if she is thinking that much it only means she doesn't really have the strong feelings I do and probably never will. Do I really want to try to convince her of how good we could be? I don't think love works that way. Love should just "happen".

She actually is losing sleep over this. Frankly so am I. I have pretty much convinced myself she won't ever make this step and sometimes I think I should just tell her that we had a nice moment but we are friends and that is all we can ever be. Beat her to the punch so to speak. We should never have sex. If we did I wouldn't be able to see her without wanting more. I don't want to stop seeing her but I might have to if we go too far and she knows that better than I do.

When we met years ago she had a friend Dave who she spent time with in much the same way she and I do now. They tried to go from friends to a relationship but then broke it off almost right away. Now they never see each other although I'm not sure why. I can only guess but I have to think that Dave's ego took too a big hit and he can't really go back to being friends. Maybe Lisa doesn't want to repeat that mistake. She may be right about that too. I'm not sure I would be any different than Dave. I did, after all refuse to see my last girlfriend, Trish after she broke up with me. I later regretted that but still think it was the right thing to do.

Problem is that I truly love Lisa. I think I will always love her. As much as I've tried to stop loving her I just can't seem to shake this feeling that we are supposed to be more than friends. Everyone sees it I think. Her sister told me we should get married, my ex-wife already thinks we are together, my family always asks how she is, Lonnie said we will end up together, and deep down in my soul I almost see it all happening. The more time I spend with other people the more I realize how much I want Lisa. Even Janet, who can just take my breath away, con't come close to Lisa.

So these are desperate times for me now. My fate lies in Lisa's hands and after 3 days I am pretty sure she wants to leave things as they are. I think if something was going to happen last night was the time.  

More on weekend

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OK.... details....

Lisa and I spent the weekend out on my sailboat along with her sister Ellen, and her family includes husband Frank, and kids Phil and Michael. We all had a nice time overnighting together in the bay. It was a little crowded but really what I love.

So after the family left and it was just Lisa and I, I insisted on taking a shower as we hadn't in almost 3 days. After I showered Lisa took her turn and I tossed her a bath towel and she was in the very cramped bathroom and I noticed her fresh clothes were outside the door. So we were talking through the wall I made us a drink and then out she comes wrapped in a way too small towel. Oops... should have given her more towel.... but instead I just enjoyed the view. She kind of stood there letting me. As she stepped back in the bathroom- really called a head on a boat - she said something like she "would change ... or not"... whoa I thought. So she was thinking like I was.... so when she came out dressed I said how much I like her but after so much time it's strange to think of her any different than as like a sister but.... then I started to lean in for a kiss and then stopped and said "this is too weird". Well, I don't remember what she said except I felt a little energy and then just did it.    

I put my lips on hers and felt her slowly relax her mouth and we had a short but sweet kiss. It was the strangest sensation and I wanted it to be all about the kiss and not all fast and lusty. So it was slow and wet and really good. So then she pushed me back and straddled over me and she kissed me. It was a good 30 seconds of making out. That might not sound like much but it felt like somewhere between a flash and an eternity. I guess time lost all meaning for a few moments.... is it possible that time actually stood still? I'm probably getting to prosaic.

So after than we kissed once more and then talked a little more and I was a little disappointed that we stopped I am really glad to have had that moment. While driving her home we held hands in the car.... and for a change it didn't feel odd.

So now it's 2 days later and I am trying to not get too crazy about it. I am pretty sure Lisa is freaking a little. I sent her a text message to her cell and she responded with a short answer. Then she called me late last night and we just talked like always. Part of me wants to talk about it but I think I go back to Laura's advice from a month ago. Stop analyzing and dissecting every little thing and be what I have always been. Me. Relax and enjoy and don't make it all too important.

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Wild weekend

I kissed Lisa! Went for it. And she kissed back. Just a kiss and you would think at 49 I would be past getting excited about this but no!

Friday - The weekend is coming!

Haven't put anything in this all week. My birthday was Tuesday and I had dinner with my sister's family. It was great. I felt like I was really special. I'll get over it. But it's my last birthday before the big 5-oh.

Had some wine with Lisa last night and discussed what we are doing over the weekend. Can't get a read on her anymore. She invited me to camping with her sister Ellen's family and I would love to go but it's also probably the last good weekend on the boat so I was non-committal. I really wanted her to come on the boat with me and she seemed to be leaning towards that. I wasn't expecting that so now I am waiting to hear back.

Her other sister Judi will be home from the hospital today! If you've read my earlier postings you will see that there was a time when I thought she was never going to recover and we would be going to a funeral soon. Now she is in much better shape and after 6 weeks is finally able to go home.

My dad on the other hand went into the hospital in Florida yesterday. With mom away in Italy my sister Maryliz took a flight down yesterday to take care of things until mom returns. All this I found out after the fact late last night. Dad suffers from severe emphysema from 50 years of smoking and even though he gave up cigarettes 15 years ago he is now looking more and more terminal. He got a slight cold and tried oxygen for the first time and didn't do well. Hopefully he will recover in about 2 weeks. It's possible I may need to go down there in a week or so.

Got an email from Carolyn this morning. Hopefully I'll meet her again soon. She is married so this can't go very far. She says she is practically seperated but who knows how much of that is true.

Might be on the beach with Janet and her friends. I know I pretty much said I would be there so fully expect to do that. Janet is a good and true friend even if I want to get to firstbase and she won't let me. I still enjoy every minute we are hanging out.