Monday, June 30, 2008

What to expect

Wednesday is July 2nd. That might seem like just a regular day but I've been looking at that day with both dread and excitement for over 2 months. As it draws closer it becomes more apparent that it may have a bigger impact all the time.

July 2nd is the 2 year anniversary of Coleen and Mark's first date. Coleen has been saying that she feels that if she isn't a bigger part of his life that she needs a better future and will end it if there isn't an engagement or something along those lines. She has made this statement to most of her friends. This past weekend they didn't even speak and she and I spent almost all my free time together. I couldn't figure out how to handle this. I am still not convinced she is really wanting to break things off. So even though she has sort of drawn this line in the sand my guess is they have a talk and she will cave in to whatever situation Mark gives her.  

But let's just say she and Mark are going to be over by July Fourth. It's not as if she will suddenly become more romantic toward me. In fact I'm afraid the opposite will happen. We will become closer as friends but I won't be able to take that leap into anything more. It's actually been easy to get close to her before because I've always been able rely on the fact that she has a boyfriend so there is no pressure for me to make something happen.

Two weeks ago Jami had a talk with Coleen about me and how I am going to be a problem at some point. While I don't believe I could ever get to where she would be afraid to talk to me, Jami may actually give me a good place to start a discussion of how I really feel about her and I. Of course, all this needs for Coleen and Mark to be over first. So I just wait and watch and hope.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Pictures pictures pictures

Sorry Crystal and Sherry. My first attempts at uploading the pictures failed.

Hello ... here are some pictures of Coleen at the beach on Sunday....

Yes that is a t-shirt. I did a double take when she first appearred wearing it.


The picture below I took at Coleen's house while she was watching tv. I got to meet her dad too. We spent the whole day together because her boyfriend never called her. She kept looking at her cell phone for messages. She says she thinks she wants to let him go but I don't think she is really ready for that yet. But she has said all along she won't stay with him if she sees no future.

Here is a picture of Steve Sr., Coleen's dad. I found out that he and my dad served in the marines at Camp LeJuene at the same time.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

A unexpected Saturday

I'm in a really good place at the moment. Things developed in a way that I should be happy about. Of course how good could it be if I'm here and able to make a blog entry and it's only 11 p.m. on a Saturday night. But stilll....details - okay

I woke up this morning after not doing anything last night. Staying in was my plan and I stuck to it. Finally at around noon I headed for the boat and while on the way I got a text message from Coleen. So I called her up and asked her to come down to the boat. She gave me a big fat maybe but in a little under an hour there she was walking down the dock towards my boat. So I got to hear the story of how she wasn't hearing from her boyfriend and she was wondering what it would be like to leave him. I struggled with how to respond with this.I mean of course I want her to break up and be free... it's inevitable.

So we sat and talked and I didn't say too much. We agreed to have dinner and we went to a new place. It was terrific. But not romantic. That's still a ways off if even at all. But I must say I am more optimistic than I've ever been. Tomorrow we may go out if the weather is good. If not then maybe Monday. Maybe I can find a way to say that I really like being her friend but I wish there could be so much more. Find a way to tell her and not lose her as a friend ... so much risk.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Staying in

Stayed in last night and probably again tonight. I felt like the whole world was out without me though. It'll probably be worse tonight. I guess if I really have to I could use my credit card but I know that's just adding to the my problems later.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just got my hair cut. Took the last $20 I have until Monday. So it's going to be a quiet weekend. I have less than $5 in my pocket. I really didn't have any plans anyway. Janet and Roberta are away. It is Jami's birthday on Friday but I'm afraid I am going to miss that. I was looking forward to seeing Coleen at happy hour on Friday but maybe I'm better off missing that this week. I'm sure her plans only include her boyfriend.

My Thursday night on the boat looks to be rained out which I'm fine with since no one really said they planned to go anyway. So as of now my life looks to be sitting at home. It's good to have a weekend away from things. Maybe I can take this time and get my home in order. I'll still be able to get out ot the boat or the beach on Saturday so I won't be completely housebound. But my adventures will definately be limited.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Random text messages are back

Not sure what to make of this. I was sitting at home bored to death. Not much going on and feeling a little lonely. Then my cell phone suddenly springs to like with a text message. It was Coleen! The next thing I know we are chatting on the phone. She was more or less doing the same as me.

Now the bad news. She was at Mark's house. He wasn't there however. I could tell she was just looking for someone to talk to so she could blow off some steam. She did say the most flattering ... that when I met her father he was very impressed by me. Wanted to know why she doesn't date me. Probably shouldn't make anything of that but I really need something positive to hold on to.

We ended it by agreeing to talk tomorrow. It's Jami's birthday on Friday and she wanted suggestions for a present to get her. Something else I'm not really that interested in. However, I am really happy to get a random message. I hadn't gotten any in the last 2 weeks and I had been missing them. It's good to put the mess behind us.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Monday blues

I'll probably be updating a lot this week since there really isn't much going on. It always seems like the more I've got going on the less I can make updates. I'm looking at next weekend where half my friends will be away. I won't get paid until next Monday, which will be the third weekend in the same pay period. And I put a bunch of bills in the mail so I'm pretty sure by the weekend I'll be down to my last dime. So that doesn't give me much to look forward to.

The only one who I spoke to yesterday was Lisa. I asked her if she and Carmine were engaged, since I'd heard a rumor that she was. She said that was news to her. Maybe Carmine is planning it though. Small towns are hard to keep secrets in.

I have been getting these odd sensations lately that some how my love life is about to change. Of course I'd had that before and nothing much has happened. Still ... Lisa reminded me of the deadline for Coleen and Mark is approaching. Coleen has said that she wants to have something more substancial from Mark by July 4th. They will have been together for 2 years by then and she figures she should be married or engaged by now. But I have a feeling that it will come and go and if nothing changes she will still be with Mark. The only thing that makes me still hang on is the fact that she seems so unhappy with him. I don't know if I could make her happy but I'd sure love the chance.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


I enjoyed dinner at the Bridge Marina Restaurant on Saturday night. That's Chris, Judy, Janet, Roberta and me. It was a beautiful night to be eating outdoors. This is the restaurant that Michelle works at. She saved us a table. She was so busy but she did  stop and pose for one picture.

So that was dinner. But my day really started much earlier than that. In the morning I wanted to get to the boat and do a little maintence. But before I could start that I sent a little text message to Coleen. She said she was planning on going to the beach and if I were interested in going she would come pick me up. So I forgot about doing the stuff on the boat and hopped into her car and headed down to the beach... a five munite ride. First thing I wanted to know was how Coleen's concert on Thursday night was. She would be seeing her ex-husband there and was taking her boyfriend. She said it was great but not much more than that. I just left it at that.

So we went down to the beach and met all the other friends we share. It felt oddly nice to arrive with her. We were there for 2 hours and left at about 3:30. We made a stop and I met both her parents. Her mom doesn't really say much but her dad is nice. We sat out back and had a beer. It felt very normal. I wonder how many times Mark - the boyfriend - does that.

I needed to get back to the boat to change for dinner so we couldn't stay there too long. Coleen was considering coming with us but she couldn't reach Mark so I figured they would end up doing something else. So that was all the time I spent with her.

After than there was lobster dinner where we also celebrated Janet's birthday. It was a fun time. It's so much fun having my camera again

This is a really good picture of Chris.

Here is everyone on the street.


Saturday, June 21, 2008

good morning world

Last evening I met all the usual suspects down at the bar. Everyone but Coleen. No one has heard from her all week. So no one knows how her evening was on Thursday. She was planning to go to a concert where she was to have her boyfriend meet her ex-husband. It was a brief topic of discussion. So she was a no-show. I guess I will find out eventually.

Janet was done a little early. In fact, I drove her home in her car while Roberta followed. After I got Janet home Roberta and I went to the Tiki Bar for a nightcap. That was when we got into a real discussion about what is really going on and what to expect. I told her about how the whole process went down beginning with the text message that I got where Coleen said we needed to talk. Before that Jami had gotten into Coleen's head about what she saw in me. Roberta thinks Jami has jealousy issues and I also think that is true. My feelings are there is no real future for me with Coleen even though Roberta thinks different. She says that Coleen has asked repeatedly about what my status is with Lisa. But my feeling is that if something were going to happen it would have happened by now. So I've been letting it go.

I also discussed with Roberta what I see in Janet. How she seems to be opening up about wants to be closer to someone. Sometimes I think she is referring to me although I really don't think that.

So we had a real long talk at the Tiki bar. Ended at about 11 and then I went home. I'm spend today doing work on the boat and then we plan to go out for dinner to celebrate Janet's birthday. I plan to take pictures so be prepared for that in my next entry.

Friday, June 20, 2008


My Thursday boat night was just me and Janet at the dock enjoying a cool, quiet evening of wine, cheese and crackers. I got this odd sensation that she is looking at me differently. We've been friends for so long I just look at us as being only that. The way I feel now I don't think I can just change gears and suddenly see Janet in a new light. I mean, she is very attractive, but I look at her like I would if she were my sister.

I also confessed to her about the drama from last week when Coleen needed to set me straight about our only being friends. I told her how attracted I was to Coleen, but as long as she is in her relationship with Mark I will only look upon her as a friend. I also mentioned how I felt that Jami was meddling a little bit because now I feel like I need to maintain some distance from Coleen. Janet actually had some incite about whatever conversation Coleen and Jami had. It was more like Jami telling Coleen that she may be leading me on and she should look at what she is doing.

So now I rarely hear from Coleen. It makes me a little sad but I guess Jami's words had the effect. I did go to the bar on Monday and saw Coleen briefly. It was good to just clear up where we were. The last thing she said was we could talk on the telephone later in the week, which we haven't done. Last night was a big night for her so I am curious to know how it went. She was to go see a concert with Mark where he ex-husband would be working. She said she hadn't seen him in over 2 years. I got the feeling she wanted to show her ex how well she's doing with her new boyfriend. I didn't think Mark shared her enthusiasm for the meeting that she did.  I really want to know but I'm not going to ask.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A normal quiet day

My busted compass is fixed to the tune of $142. Easy come easy go. Maybe I'll go pick it up tonight. Then I can stop by and say hello to Lisa.

It's so strange how I feel about her now. For so long I felt like I loved her and I guess I did. But now that memory is so far in the past I can't picture her sexually any more. The idea of getting close to anyone right now is almost non-reality. And yet right now I feel my libido kicking in more than it has in a year.

It was so in my head that I may find myself in lust for Coleen and I had myself convince she could have returned those feelings. But it's been so many months now of talking to her and nothing has really come of it I think it has to be time to move on. It would be easy if there were any other prospects but I had been so focused on one thing now there aren't any other real alternatives apparent to me.

Saturday there will be a dinner at an outdoor restaurant on the water to celebrate Janet's birthday. I can look forward to that. Why is it that it's always food that makes me feel better?

Monday, June 16, 2008

More about my day

After work there was a huge thunderstorm headed this way so i figured I could go to the boat and make sure it was sealed up and secure. So I jumped into the car and got to the boat in 20 minutes. I just steped on and stepped off. Everything looked okay. I won't be back until Thursday so it was good to just check it.

Since I was already nearby I cruised on up to Gates and saw Coleen. I was hoping to see her. I just wanted to re-establish that we are fine and I want to lose that uneasy feeling I had last week. We talked briefly about who is saying what and how we can just ignore it. She was only there about 20 minutes but it was good to make contact again without all the drama. The last thing she said before she headed out the door was she was going to a concert on Thursday and would not be able to join us at the dock. She was going with Mark and her brother and his girlfriend. I knew about the concert. I wonder if Mark will bail out for it. Just a thought.

Lost pictures

These pictures are from my Memorial Day picnic. I was so afraid I'd really lost the camera forever, but I cleaned out the back of my Jeep last Saturday and there it was. So I am back to putting pictures into the blog again.

The last picture is me and Lisa. She always makes me feel good about taking pictures.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The weekend with Lisa

What a difference from one weekend to the next. I took the boat out yesterday with Lisa.

We had a fun day on the water. We went swimming and were at the dock before the rain started. There was supposed to be a party at the dock but the rain washed it away. Since Carmine has chosen this weekend to go away golfing Lisa and I had dinner at an Indian restaurant on Friday night then had drinks in Huntington. She said she rarely does these things anymore because that's isn't what Carmine likes to do. I don't even know what they like to do. Seems like it's just stay in.

I haven't seen Coleen since last Sunday. We have started to exchange text messages again though. So I guess things are getting back to normal. From what I heard yesterday she was actually looking to get invited out on the boat yesterday... I guess I'll need to explain that to her when I see her again. How I just felt like I feel funny about our relationship. I want to be friends but I also don't want to be a hypocrite.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Idle thoughts

Moods - so many choices and I still can't pick one.

Boat night was a bust. No one could come. Of course it was partially my fault. Roberta is away so no surprise there. Coleen I just can't bring myself to call right now. And Janet said since I never really mentioned anything she just made other plans. Not one person reached out to me. I have to wonder if this is the fallout from Jami telling Coleen to watch out for me. Because now it feels like everyone is watching out for me.

I should have reached out to Janet at some point but I have this urge to vent about the whole situation and I rather not have anyone know that I am this affected. I really feel sad because I was looking forward to each day with an optimism I hadn't had in a long time. That's all gone now. I want to be mad at Jami but all she really did was give me a dose of reality. Still, I wish she had minded her own business.   

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Bonus entry

My cable is out. My landlord failed to pay the bill so I don't have TV. So I am sitting outside enjoying the warm summer night with my cat and my laptop.

I spent the better part of the morning helping Lisa take her poor Edmund to the pet crematorium. Edmund was her 16 year old cat and she is pretty broken up about his death. It was very hard to see him all still and lifeless before they took him away and she got back his ashes about 2 hours later. It was a very emotional morning.

I'm still trying to process the talk I had with Coleen this morning. I can't say now if she has bee affected by whatever Jami said to her. Obviously the girls have been talking. I want to be able to just shrug it off and go on as if nothing has been said but how do I do that? I mean I don't even know what Jami said, just that Coleen needed to tell me about it. I can't really accuse Jami of anything because I haven't really been able to hide my feelings very well.

So tomorrow is boat night and I'm not even sure if I want to really have anything. My goal is to say nothing unless someone else brings it up. I know I am obsessed with Coleen but I can't have anyone else know. I haven't done anything but be a friend to everyone in my circle. So I refuse to act guilty. If someone asks me a question I will answer it truthfully.

Lisa told me that she has nothing to do this weekend so we can enjoy a day on the boat on Saturday. That should be fun. I'm not really planning anything but the weather forecast is goodso at the very least it can be a good day.

The "Talk"

Coleen called me back this morning. I immediately asked what was with the text message that said "we need to talk". She said she had a conversation with Jami where Jami told her I may become a problem for her to deal with. So she wanted to talk to me to reinforce the idea that we are friends. She said that our friends are talking about us. My reaction was to say I know we are just friends and she has given me no reason to think otherwise. I guess that is partially true. I added that I had been getting those kind of questions for a couple of months now. I said it started with Roberta asking me "what's up with you and Coleen?" I just said that I can't help what people say.  But I feel like I would love to ask her if maybe there isn't a little more to it than that. Perhaps that will be something we can discuss but I can't really expect that. I do feel I need to focus my energy somewhere else.

Lucky for me I was with Lisa when I got this message. So I was able to talk about it with Lisa both before I spoke to Coleen and after. Lisa didn't really seem to have much advice except that she knows the Jami may be feeling a little rejected.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

"We need to talk".

"We need to talk". That was the text message I got this evening from Coleen. At the time I was sitting outside having a glass of wine with Lisa. I went there because I just felt she needed company since she just had her cat Edmund die last weekend.So I replied to her that I was out and we could talk later. Now it's almost midnight and I have no idea what to make of the message. I sent a text message back after I left Lisa at 10 p.m. as yet I got no response.

So what could she want? I can't see anything good from a message like that. Lisa wanted to think of something positive be even she sees it as something is up. I see 2 scenarios that may be in lay. One I can handle and one I don't know I can deal with. Perhaps someone in our circle may have said something about how I really feel. I can deal with that easy enough.

The other possibility is that somehow someone she knows has found this.This is my honesty room. I say things here no one who knows me should ever see. How do I defend myself against my own honesty?

Well - stay tuned. I guess I'll know what is going on by this time tomorrow

Updating my life

So much going on I am having difficulty finding time to update. Today I just want to add some things I haven't mentioned lately.

Last Friday morning before leaving for work I got a call from Lisa. It was about her cat Edmund. He had died in his sleep sometime during the night. He was pretty old and had all kinds of ailments but he was a very active and attentive cat even the day before. So it was a tremendous shock for Lisa. She has been going through the grieving process. I often took care of Edmund and her other cat Othello whenever Lisa would go away. He really was a good guy. He used to lay on the top of Lisa's futon and when I would sit down he would rub the top of my head. I'm going to really miss those scalp massages.

So we have been having daily conversations as Lisa knows I went through the same thing last summer when I lost my cat Sylvester. Lisa still has Othello but their personalities are so different that she is really missing seeing Edmund when she walks in the door. Lisa wants to do something special for him so I think she wants to get his ashes and have a eulogy.

It's been a few days since I spoke to the ex-wife. I'm still very worried about her but need to keep some distance. I just have this feeling she would like it if I became more involved with her. That would be bad in so many ways. What would be a good number of days between contact? I'm thinking once a month. Maybe I need to keep a record. But that would be so twisted.

My dad's situation has improved dramatically. All his results for tests he had last month came back with good news. His liver has almost no cancer spots when before they thought there was more than 300. Now it down to less than 10. He is breathing better. Hasn't been using oxygen at all. His condition is so good that they may take a shot at radiation therapy on the growth in his colon/rectum that started this whole thing. There is a strong possibility for him to be cancer free. Seems like every time my dad sees death he stares it down and comes out stronger than before. He really is amazing. I think I own the man upstairs one for this.

I've been spending the last 2 days gettingthe mailing done for the boating organization. What a pain in the butt. We are having a Saturday afternoon mixer in the parking lot on Saturday. I wish I had my camera because I'd love to take some pictures. Maybe I can borrow one.  

I've been laying low as far as my friends go. I never seem to lose the urge to call people but I need to stop obsessing a little be become more focussed on all my friends.  I just made a plan for next Wednesday with some friends from work. So at least I haven't totally lost it.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

4 days with Coleen.

My last four days were almost as good as any I can remember in years. I had some moments I may never forget. But I'm also still alone and confused as to how to change that or even if I should. Again it is all about Coleen.

I'll start by going back to last Thursday. That has been my night to invite friends down to the dock for wine and cheese. But this time it seems like no one wants to go. Only Janet said she could go and then only if I could pick her up. I had called Coleen but she was too busy and when I did hear from her she had already planned to make dinner with the BF. Oh well, I picked up Janet and we sipped on some wine. Dave from the boat next to mine was also there.

Right around sunset I saw Coleen's car pull into the parking lot. She came down the ramp wearing a long black skirt that I'd guessed she had worn to work that day. She looked good but I told her she didn't look very nautical. Still I got to see how nice her legs looked. She was upset with Mark, the BF, and I was glad she came down but not really interested in finding out what the fight was. It was fortunate that Janet was there and could ask her all about what she thought her future would be with Mark. I was down below putting things away when Janet asked her if she planned on sticking it out with Mark.  And she said yes for now.  Janet thinks she finds security in having him around and don't see any devotion on either side. But she is trying to make things work. Janet told me about this later. Coleen had gotten there so late that is was probably less than an hour before we shut it down. She drove Janet home since it was on the way. I was dying to know what they talked about in the car.

Friday night was the best night. Usually Friday Coleen only has a drink and then goes to meet Mark for dinner. But this week was different. I guess she was still upset from the night before and she considered herself free for the night. Janet again had given her car to her son so she walked into town. She asked if I could give her a ride when it was time to go home. We started at Gates before we went tothe Tiki bar. I saw Coleen in Gates and to my surprise she followed us up to the Tiki Bar. There was a band there and before I knew it Coleen and I were dancing. How lucky could I be? Dancing with the girl I am crazy about. It was a very good night for me. Of course I did need to drive Janet home. And I could see she was tired so I dropped her off and circled back to the tiki bar where I danced more with Coleen. Her friend Dave was there and needed a ride so before too long she also left. She said she wanted to go on the boat on Saturday.  

And she did. Saturday was better than Friday. She and I took the boat out in 90+ heat. But the water is still really really cold. But I had to go in. I jumped in and wow was it a shock. I was in for just a few seconds. But it was so hot I had to go in again and this time Coleen followed. She really looked like she was enjoying the day as much as I was. But I keep waiting for her cell to ring and have Mark make a plan with her, but it never happened. 

After being on the boat all day she went home to change and I said I'd be going to Gates to watch the Belmont. Coleen wasn't sure, obviously still holding out hope for Mark. But I walked into Gates and there she was wearing a summer dress and Mark no where to be seen. So I say hello to everyone and didn't even get a chance to talk to her for more than ten minutes.... because I need to keep reminding myself she has a boyfriend and it's still not me. After about an hour there we were again talking and shooting pool as if we were the only ones in the bar. Later we went out to get a bite to eat. I kept having this urge to talk about how I really feel about things, but I'm sure she knows. She was just killing time hoping for a call that never came. I said good-bye not sure of anything. 

So Sunday I decided I could call Coleen around noon. I was surprised to find her grocery shopping for Mark. I had already committed to going to meet Roberta at the beach so when she said we could go sailing I had to say no. So I went to the beach and guess who followed me down there? Coleen showed up! And no bf. I am so confused. She told me her plans that night was to make a nice dinner for her and Mark. Ugh! What am I doing?

I go to work tomorrow and wait and see if I hear from her at some point during the week. She always finds a reason to call me or text me.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

3 years since my first entry

Not sure if that shows how persistant I am or just sad that I really can't see what is so different. In the last three years I've dealt with losses and gains. With finding new people and letting some old ones go. I've had to come to terms with being over 50 and still single and unattached. It seems more and more like that is how it will remain.

I have been able to update more consistantly lately but find myself wanting to slacken off a bit. There is only so much I can do with out contantly repeating myself. I can't imagine who wants to read about what sounds the same to me day after day.

Saturday was rainy and cold. Since I didn't really have a plan for being home I went north to the boat and spent the day doing maintenance. Tthe main reason to go was because I told Coleen to stop down if she wanted and she said she might.  I actually got a lot done because she never showed up. So at 4:30 I told Janet I would meet her at Gates. I got there and saw usual cast of characters, but no Coleen or the bf. By 7 I was hungry and I didn't realize everyone else had eaten. So I figure I'd go home and eat rather than drop another $20 there.  

So I said my goodbyes and walked toward the exit. Just at I hit the sidewalk I got a buzz on my cell phone. It was a text from Coleen. She had gone out to dinner with Mark. I just said have fun and got in my car and started driving. Her next message said she was on her way to Gates... where I'd just left. The voice in my head was saying "go home" but you think I listen ... noooooo! I turn around and go back towards Gates. And of course I get the third degree about why I'm back. From Roberta of all people who knows exactly what is going on.

So I did eat something and dropped $20 and then maybe another $20 before I finally ended the night. I did get to see Coleen. She had gotten her hair done and because the night had turned so humid it was very curly. She looked like Rosanne Rosannadanna. I didn't tell her that though. When I left she was still there with her bf but she did give me a nice goodbye.  

Coleen has started calling me now instead of sending me text messages. Each time she was cooking dinner at Mark's when she calls. So I shouldn't look at phone calls as if they mean any more than just a nice hello. But yet I want something more and wonder why she gets the urge to talk to me more and more.

Later last night I was chatting online with Lisa and we had a discussion about whether phone calls from Coleen incates anything. Since the four of us spent a day on the boat together I think maybe I could get some slightly unbiased insight. One of the things driving me right now is Coleen has imposed a deadline for Mark to propose or she says she will be done. Whatever that means. This is to be July the Fourth weekend. Lisa was wondering if this is something Mark even knows and in all honesty I am not sure. I know that Coleen has said it to more than just me so I figure that me must. I don't really get the feeling that Mark is looking to get engaged but I still need to be mentally prepared anyway. Lisa thinks that if Coleen breaks it off with him after that date he will just completely disappear since he isn't really friends with anyone other than Coleen. We will see.