Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Trip to Block Island.

I'm back for the the day and then I am off again tomorrow until after Labor Day. I put the pictures in an album because there were just so many of them.

It was a fun week. Barry, dad and myself slept on the boat on Wednesday night and took off the next morning at first light. It was an excellent trip on the ocean and we felt lucky to have blue sky and just a light breeze the entire way. We were anchored in Block Island at 7 P.M. and had a dinner in town. It was a little surreal to be in Block for the first time on 6 years. Our biggest glitch was the dinghy engine wouldn't start. I was confident we would get it fixed but dad felt we needed to go back.

The entire next day we set about fixing things on the boat. First issue was to get the engine on the dinghy to work. I had to walk into town and get new spark plugs. I lso grabbed a can of starting fluid... which did the trick. Only bad thing was I put my back in spasm. It is still sore.

All the repairs got done. I could tell my dad felt a little frustrated at first that these things weren't done already. There was the usual bickering but we got over it. I must say we laughed a little every day.

But it's also really hard sometimes to see my dad struggle. He's had emphesema and then last January we found out he has colon cancer. He is doing far better than we have a right to expect, but he is also looking older every time I see him. He doesn't ever want it to show that he can't do what he's always done, especially to us, his kids. We want to do things for him to make life easier but then that can just cause more friction. So we all search for that middle ground and it's a moving target we look for everyday.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


No entries in a while. I'll be away for the next week or so. When I'm back I'll have pictures and stories about my trip. Till then take care and look for me in September.   

Friday, August 15, 2008


This is my last day at work before I begin a 2 week vacation. That will bring me right up through my birthday and Labor Day weekend. I've been trying to plan getting away but since it's just me I have been reluctant to commit to anything. I guess I also had hopes of something happening relationship-wise. I really need to let that go and get on with living my life.

The wine and cheese party on the boat last night got washed out by the rain. I spent my evening relaxing at home. Things have gotten back to normal. Coleen is back with Mark and she is there most nights. I got a text message from her late last night. I will see her tonight but I'm sure she will have the boyfriend with her. My other friends have been telling me to distance myself from her but as yet I haven't been able to do it. I keep thinking what if I'd gone to the boat Sunday? She went there looking for me. That was when they reunited. My only rationalization is it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I also had a brief online conversation with Lisa. She has been ranting about her boyfriend not being romantic to the point where she is unsure of what their future is. I wish I didn't know this. I feel like I'd just gotten to where I felt like I'd moved on.

I'm just in an odd place right now. It will need to pass.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dinner with Lisa

I had Lisa come for dinner last evening. It's always nice to relax and just talk about anything with her. We talked about all kinds of things ... some of it got very intimate. She says she is feeling very frustrated in her sex life with her boyfriend. I talked about my mini-meltdown over the weekend when I lost contact with Coleen.

Lisa is of the opinion that I need to break that off until there is something more real with Coleen. My response was that I understand that is what I should do but my reaction is always to respond when I see her. I can't seem to get myself to do anything else but want to get close to her even when I know how frustrated I'll be.

Then we got into how Lisa can't seem to get Carmine to give her the affection she needs. She says he rarely initiates anything and she gets shut down all the time. She seems to be feeling coldness from him although she still thinks they have a future.

So as we were both sitting there talking about how unsatisfied we both feel it occurred to me that I was getting a little turned on. Like I could make a move based on the fact that she is talking like she is starving for sex and frankly so am I. I just wanted to kiss her so bad. I'd thought I had put those feelings to sleep but it doesn't take much to wake them up. I wonder how she would have reacted?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Saw a Band out of Boston


I went to see Boston at Jones' Beach. A little sad to see them perform in a half full stadium but they were great. It turned out to be a full on family event with all my brothers Barry, Sean, Brian and sister Maryliz going along with in-laws Georgene and Sue.

We did a tailgate before the show. Barry had an extra ticket he didn't use... and Coleen wanted to go but found out too late for that to happen. Maybe it was fate. As it was I got the third degree about her.

We as a family have had a lot of good times together this summer. Can't remember the last time we all bonded like we did last night ... no parents or nieces and nephews. Just us. I wish we could have more moments like that. I feel very blessed.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Moving On

I feel better although I don't know why. I finally heard from Coleen yesterday afternoon. The reason I didn't hear from her was exactly what i had thought. After I disappointed her by not being at the boat she went and found Mark and spent the afternoon and evening with him. Since I figured that was inevitable I'm not too emotional about it. Better to not have gotten closer only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet.

I guess what I can now see is how much she will want to latch on to whoever she may go for after Mark. I don't exactly know if I'm ready for that. No that summer is drawing to a close I can see my involvement with her start to shrink. Too much time has gone by to have anything really happen between us. It also seems that most, if not all, of my friends see her as a bad option for me.

So little by little I'm feeling better about things as they are. I may change that next time I'm here but right now I'm getting on with other things.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Weekend Pt2

I am just sitting here debating with myself as to whether I should take action or not. I know Coleen is at work and probably busy. But I really feel the urge to reach out to her and find out how we missed each other yesterday. I guess she expected me to be at the boat and when I wasn't decided to do something else. I just think her failure to call me back has a reason and I could make it worse by being overly aggressive. On the other hand knowing what happened will give me some relief. I get this feeling she doesn't feel comfortable around the other girls. I'm looking back as yesterday and wish I had gone to the boat like I usually do. But also if I had just called her ... oh, well. I can't change the past and she has told me more than once she wants to be friends only so I need to look at it in that light. Don't get too much more emotionally attached and eventually she will find a way to talk to me in her own time.

Here are some more pictures from Saturday's fishing trip.

This is the Robert Moses Bridge to Fire Island.

The Fire Island Light.

Janet's daughter Ali showing me how to bait a hook.

The day on the fishing boat could only have been better if I'd actually gotten a fish. I don't really cook fish so I wasn't too upset about not hooking any.

Last night I had dinner with some other friends I know from Scuba diving. I don't see them nearly enough since I rarely dive any more. It was a fun dinner but they were planning a trip upstate to dive in Lake Ontario. I'll be sitting that out.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Weekend Pt 1

I don't know if I made a mess of things but I feel like I could have missed a golden opportunity. Last Friday I left work and went to the bar. I had spoken to Coleen so I knew she would be there. She had to seal some things at home but she eventually got there. I had some moments ... more feelings than actually substance. Just that occasional eye contact that made me feel like I could connect without words. But if something was happening it would need to wait.

My day on Saturday would take me away from spending more time with Coleen. I spent the day out on a fishing boat. I thought it would be good to re-set myself with a new activity. It was something Janet set up and I feel I need to strengthen that relationship if only so there will be someone there to pick me up when I fall. That is somewhat of a metaphor but Janet really is the most sincere friend I have and she seemed so disappointed that I didn't join her fishing trip last year I felt like I needed to make more of an effort when it comes to her.

Obviously Janet takes her fishing seriously. I really wish she could get into sailing but so far that doesn't really look like it will happen.

So my only contact with Coleen was a cell phone conversation before getting on the boat. She was not having a good day woman wise. Cramps and bathroom issues was going to keep her home most of the day. I mostly wished that she felt better but I was also thinking selfishly that she probably would be staying away from Mark most of the day. I keep thinking she going back to him with just one call.

After fishing I headed to my brother Barry's house where I met up with other brothers Brian and Sean and the four of us went to see a concert at Joens Beach. I'll get into that in another entry but I will say it was a good bonding experiance to be hanging out with my 3 brothers. I did send a text message to Coleen who said she felt better and was at the bar. At least she wasn't at Mark's.

So I woke up Sunday with out a plan. I got a call from Janet who wanted me to come down and hang out at the beach. I said I would get there for a little while. I wanted to reach out to Coleen and I actually looking at my phone to send a text message three times. I should have. She literally called me seconds after I got to the beach to tell me she was at the boat wondering where I was.When I told her I was at the beach I told her to come down. She never did show up. My attempts to reach her have gone unanswered. 

Now I'm left to wonder where she went and why she hasn't called me back. I'm guessing when she couldn't find me on the boat she found herself reaching for Mark. The main reason I hesitated calling her in the first place was that her usual Sunday was to go see Mark and spend most of the day at his side. Now I feel like if I could have called her anyway it could have been a Sunday with me. At this time I don't know. I wish I could make plans with her.

Friday, August 8, 2008

More activity but no "action"

At the very least I do feel validated. I spent last evening with Coleen AGAIN. She was hungry and we went out to eat. I can tell she is struggling with not having dinner with Mark. She sounds determined to leave him but she is so used to having meals with him that she seems to be avoiding dinner altogether. I wonder if I could get her to eat with me? My house is much too far away for her to come too as often as Mark's.

I can see her going back and forth with how she wants things to go. Every now and then she would slip and talk about how she wants to live her life without Mark but then would talk about having people come to his house for a party. Or refer to him as "my boyfriend". She also slipped that she's been crying while doing soul searching at night.

Before the end of the night I told her my plans for the weekend would keep me busy and we couldn't get together. Her reaction surprised me a little. She was genuinely sad that I wouldn't be around. I can feel her getting attached to me but still only as a friend. Makes me consider changing my plans.

There is this thought however that she and Mark are only going through a rough patch and she would be glad to be in his company again if he would simply just reach out to her. So I do need to maintain some distance. I fear that I can't control any of my actions.

At the end of the night I put a kiss on her... no tongue. Best I can do.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I'm up and then I'm down

The rollercoster ride continues. I got a lunch time visit from Coleen yesterday. It was great to have company but at the time I was engrossed in work issues. We ate leftovers from the restaurant we had gone to the night before. Seeing her in my home gives me pause for thought. I can see us getting closer and closer but not as anything other than friends. I have to believe she knows how much I like her although I can't bring myself to say it until she is at least available.

Coleen's body language is telling me more and more that I not getting anywhere. And now I am starting to sense she is beginning to cool towards me. Maybe now that she sees how I live she knows I would have a lot of trouble taking care of her. Or maybe I'm just smothering her a little. Either way I guess I'll have to withdraw a little. I will let her make the next move.                        

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Having it my way - almost

Since I hadn't heard from Coleen on Monday I had hopes of hearing from her on Tuesday. So when I got a text as I was walking of the train I felt pretty confident. I asked her to have dinner.

We met at 6:30 at our favorite Indian restaurant. First thing Coleen says to me was "Mark bit her head off again". Her exact words. It seems that Monday night she let his dog out and he ran through the sprinkler and this was somehow her fault. I siezed the opprtunity to see if she was ready to move on. She said she was but then I felt like she hasn't really made the switch. We talked a little about how life would be after Mark. I told her she would never lack for things to do. I told her she can call me any time. Hopefully she will.

I still don't really feel the love for me that I keep hoping I'll find. Just a friend who seems to care for me a great deal.

I can't really see how this can go on like this ... moving inch by inch. I imagine anyone who reads this must be frustrated or bored. That's if I still have anyone who reads my entries. I do get a sense that something will change soon. How or why is unknown to me.

During my evening with Coleen I got a text message from Tracy. She was inquiring about my weekend. I put my phone away until after Coleen had headed for home. I sent a response to Tracy that I hadn't taken a cruise on the boat and i wouldn't for at least a week. I really wanted to tell her I had been out with the one I love but I couldn't. No matter what happens with Coleen I can't ever see me having those feelings with Tracy.  

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Just a typical day

I still can't get to sleep at night. No alcohol yesterday so it's not that. I guess the extra caffiene probably didn't help. So again today like yesterday I'm exhausted. It's very hard to concetrate.

I had a very quiet time at home last night. Just me and the TV. I had called and left a message on Coleen's voicemail but she either didn't get it or was too busy to call. It wasn't like I needed her to call back. It's just that I said I would call. So after spending more than half my weekend with her I had no contact yesterday.

I did have a round of email from the girls. Since Roberta was away she asked to be filled in on things ... and there were some things that I had also missed. It seems that there was a division amongst the beach goers. So now we are seperating into 2 camps. It seems that two of the women aren't speaking and now everone must choose between groups. I have so much going on I may not be going to the beach much for the rest of the summer anyway.

I put in for vacation from August 18 through Labor Day so if I don't blog it's because I've managed to get away. Still iffy for me to travel though. I really need to be able to get away from all the crazy thoughts going in me head. It remains to be seen if I can do that.  

Monday, August 4, 2008

This is a long one

No movie quotes today... I barely had a minute in front of the TV the entire weekend. Was this a good weekend or not? I'm really not sure. Sleep did not come easy last night and I probably didn't finally drop off until almost 3 a.m. The alarm at 6 was real tough. I'll be drinking coffee throughout the day.  

If you read the last entry you know about how much fun I had dancing with Coleen. Well, Saturday was more Coleen. During the day she called and I invited her to come to my house and we went out for lunch. Her visit is the first time she had been to my house and I would like to be able to say she was impressed but I hadn't had a chance to clean at all and it was pretty messy.But she seemed okay with it ... just said it looks like a man lives there.

During our lunch, which included 2 margarita's which went right to my head, we were talking about nothing in particular. Then she got a call from Mark. He was done with work and would be home in the afternoon if she wanted to stop by. That was when she started to vent about his not being her boyfriend. I tried to seize the opportunity to talk about where she wants to go with her relationship. I didn't want to be confrontational so we just glossed over how she wants to redefine what a commitment really is. She showed me her very expensive bracelet that she got as a gift some time ago and she asked if see should see that as something from someone who feels committed. My response was that it is very impressive and maybe you could but I think in her heart she really needs to hear the words. And then ... I can't believe I actually said this... but I said maybe he isn't someone who can say it. I wasn't going to be confrontational over a second margarita.

With that we finished lunch ... I picked up the check. I headed home to finish cleaning the house and Coleen, I expect went to Mark's. I figured that would be the end of my day with Coleen but at around 7:30 she sent me a text that she was at the bar so I headed there. I half expected that she was with Mark, but no Mark anywhere. What is with this guy? It is a summer night and he is home? So I was shocked to see her out alone. And she was fun. Shooting pool and playing songs on the juke box.

Then at around 9 Mark's brother-in-law Bob comes in. His wife (Mark's sister) is away and he came in to get a late dinner. Since I'd never seen him in there before I thought it was odd. I have this feeling he was there to check on Coleen. While I didn't try to eavesdrop I did overhear them talking about how much drinking Mark does. It wasn't long after that when Coleen called it a night. I really want to take her to a dark, secluded place and just lay one on her. But I just said good night.

Sunday I had made plans to go see Lisa for brunch. I would have liked to make an early start but I got to her house just a little before noon. Just as I arrived at her door I got my first text from Coleen. At first I ignored it so then I got more texts. I told her I was out with Lisa and would call her later. Lisa was to spend the afternoon with Carmine so I knew I would be free in the afternoon. I was hoping to Coleen again...but as always the plan falls apart.

By the time I got back to Coleen she was with Mark. I wonder if she would have done that had I been around. Oh well, it seems like the time she spends with Mark leads her back to me anyway, though I didn't know it at the time. She did ask if I could come have dinner with them as Mark's house. I told them I was going to my sister's house for dinner, which I did although the invite from her came later. There was no way I was going there. It does bother me that she wants me in their company.

Later that evening while having dinner at my sister's Coleen asked if I could take her to see the music in the park. I was planning to go and I figured if she went she would go with Mark. Well, again there was no Mark. So he stayed in all weekend. When I picked her up at her house she was waiting in the driveway. She looked okay but I could tell she was on the edge of becoming emotional. As much as I wanted to explore that I told myself don't do it. Because then our conversations would just become all about Mark and I'm not going to beat that dead horse. She kind of let it go and the last thing I said to her was I would call her at work on Monday.

I know I'm way tooslow but as sad as this is I just can't seem to get away from this. My time with Coleen is special even if it never leads anywhere. I know I could push the issue but I still don't believe Coleen is ready to walk away from Mark She is planning a September vacation but last night she said she really wants to take a vacaton now. But Mark can only go after Labor Day and she really want to go away with him. So I'll make my vacation plan for August and assume she will still be Mark's until at least then.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I got no thumb Charlie

"Charlie! They took my thumb!" (The Pope of Greenwich Village)

I saw this movie the other night. I'd seen it many times before and I didn't actually watch the whole thing. But I'd forgotten how good Eric Roberts is in this. He pretty much steals ever scene he is in. There is a scene at the end where he talks about how you can't be nice to your woman. Mickey Rourke's character was saying how his wife lest him and he didn't hit her or anything. "You can't do that man. I mean you don't abuse 'em once in a while they'll shit all over you. I don't mean you walk around morning to night whackin' 'em upside the head like someone from the other side but you terrorize 'em once in a while just to keep 'em in line. Know what I mean?"

It was a little sick and I could never see myself be that way. But it does seem like the women seem to find an attraction to these kind of guys. But enough about my thoughts on movies. On to real life.

My attempts at moving on from Coleen are not working so good. I mean she must really like me in some twisted screwed up way that is just making me crazy. Yesterday evening I joined Janet and some other friends in the bar at around 7. Everyone else had been there an hour or so. Coleen wasn't there. The plan was to walk downtown to see a band that was playing Motown and soul. We knew it would be good. Turned out no one really wanted to go except me and Janet. Then just as we are leaving Coleen pops in the door. Janet knows how much I like Coleen so she said she would go and I could talk to Coleen if I want But Coleen said she was just having one drink and going home so I said I was going to see the music and c'ya. Janet and I walked out together and headed down the street. While walking I tried to talk Janet into having dinner with me at my place. She was iffy.

We got there and we bumped into a few others we knew and like always Janet was mingling with all the people she knew but I didn't. So I was just enjoying the band. They were really good. Within about 10 minutes I get a tap on my shoulder ... it was Coleen. She decided to come down anyway. Very validating. We ended up dancing together the entire night. Dance, dance, dance = Fun, fun, fun. I'll never understand how she has a boyfriend who never likes to dance. So there I am once again feeling so connected and having the best time.

We ended the night getting a slice of pizza and I eventually found Janet via cell phone and she joined us. I still wanted to have dinner with Janet but if I mentioned it to Coleen it would have meant inviting Mark too so I didn't even say it. So there is the real issue now... the only time I can get close to Coleen is these spontaneous events because if I try to plan something it means she shows up with Mark. But I can plan things to do with Janet even though our relationship is as friends so there isn't any potential.

So this morning I talked to Janet and she bowed out of dinner. At least not at my place. Maybe I can just stay home today.  

Friday, August 1, 2008

No Monument to Justice

"I'm no friggin' monument to justice! I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?" (Moonstruck)

To continue from my last blog entry my friends all seem to agree that my infatuation with Coleen must end. So I am trying but it's not so easy. Because what else is out there?

I made an effort to see Tracy on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Problem is I don't really like Tracy that much. I mean the more I get to know her the less appeal she seems to have. And then there is the fact that she takes her brother with her everywhere she goes.

I did make sure that Coleen knew I was going out with Tracy. I want to try and give off an aura of having something romantic going on even though it's not. At the end of seeing Tracy I only have hopes of getting Coleen shook up. I did finally talk to Coleen the last few days. And what do I do ... I make plans to see her. I need to stop doing that.

On a different topic... I spoke to Lisa this week and out of leftfield she starts to tell me how frustrated she is in her relationship with Carmine. He's just not romantic... which I can kind of see. He tends to be very reserved and maybe shy. But if she starts going into detail I cut her off. I don't really want to process that information. But it's kind of like I see cracks in their bond starting to form. I don't know where that is going.