Sunday, November 30, 2008

short message

Geez, I don't even know what my last post was about. I spent Thanksgiving with family members including my sister and brother. I got 2 phone calls from coleenduring the day and I felt the need to go see her but I couldn't make it happen. Again i have some odd feeling with her and I am getting no help from any of my friends or family. I am getting very resentful and I am ready to blow them all off. It's hard to do when I don't have anything from Coleen to hang my hat on but I am feeling more connected to her than anyone else right now.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A picture from the weekend.

This is a picture from Sunday's party. That is all cousins from my mom's side of the family. I am standing on the chair on the left. It was much more fun than even I expected. We were only expected to stay until 6 p.m. but we were there until almost 7.
I spoke to Coleen yesterday and all my bad feelings were just in my head. All is well although there are no plans being made. Sometimes I forget that she has lots of friends and has a good time without me all the time.
She is having Thanksgiving at home. She asked if I could come but I will be at my brother Sean's and I told her I am doubtful but I would call her no matter what happens. She doesn't mention Mark so I am wondering how she deals with him spending his holiday without her. I'll just try to keep quiet about it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

What's the deal?

I have a bad feeling about this weekend. I had decided I needed to make more of an effort to be with friends. I also had committed to a family event. It was a party fro my Uncle Jack's 80th birthday. I'll have pictures from that later. I also had dinner with Janet at her house on Sunday.

Okay I'm rambling a little. I can't really wrap my brain around things at the moment. I would like things to just be simple. That never happens. I need to start from Friday night.

I spoke to Coleen at work but it was such a short conversation I never got the chance to ask her what her plans were. I just figured I would see her but I had this feeling she was booking her weekend for Mark. So when I got off the train rather than going home I went straight to the bar for happy hour. And my suspicions proved correct as Coleen was there but was leaving to meet Mark for dinner so I was only able to talk to her for 20 minutes. As she was getting her coat on she wanted me to tell her what my plans for Thanksgiving were. I just said we will talk later. I also told her my Saturday was a party all day. With that she was gone for the evening.

Saturday was spent with my sister, and 2 brothers and also many cousins. It was fun and was an all day event. By the time I got home even though it was still fairly early I decided to stay in. I still wasn't sure about how to spend Sunday but I knew I would be watching some football and I could watch it at home or I could go up to the bar and see it there. It was a difficult decision because I knew I could likely see Coleen there but I decided to stay home and enjoy the game there. I knew I was going to have dinner with Janet and I was afraid if I saw Coleen I'd end up going to Janet's late and probably a little more drunk than I need to be.

I did drive by on the way and sure enough I saw Coleen's car there. So I am regretting not going in. But for all I know she was there with Mark so I'm better off. She could have called me too and didn't. In fact, she has been calling me less and less. So I have this feeling there will be some tension between us. Or maybe she is just getting along with Mark and not even thinking about me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Validation comes in many ways.

I took a picture of Tigger last night who was in a climbing mood and scaled to the top of the entertainment unit. The flash make his eyes look so evil. You may notice there is a ceramic kitty to the left and if you look real close it's ears are broken off. That's because at one time he liked to push it off to the floor. It's a good 5 pound item too.
I snapped this picture last night. I wanted to post it to the blog and as I was uploading the picture from the camera to the PC my phone rang. It turned out to be Coleen who I had not spoken to since Sunday. Our time together seemed tense to me and as we said goodnight she mentioned how she expected to be busy at work. I took this to mean she didn't want me calling as much so I figured I'd just leave it for a day or 2 and see if she would call me. By last night I was feeling a little let down since she wasn't calling. I had decided I would call her but still hadn't when I finally got the call. I had even discussed it a little with Lisa. I told her I was reminded of the scene in the movie Swingers about when the lead character was trying to decide how many days to wait before calling this new girl. I'm not sure she got it.
My conversation went about as well as any other and there was no specific topic. It was just very validating to know that I am worth a phone call. There was talk about Thanksgiving and how she wanted to make dinner for her family but her brother and his girlfriend made a different plan so it will just be her and her parents. I had this huge temptation to say I would like to join them but I am already committed to my family. I will definitely be on the phone to her at some point during the day. She didn't mention what Mark's plan was but obviously he wasn't interested in spending the day with her.

The weekend will probably bring more drama. I'll be at a family event for my uncle's 80th birthday on Saturday and Sunday I am going to Janet's for dinner. I am not even sure about going out on Friday night but since it will be my only chance to see Coleen you have to figure I'll be out somewhere.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Better day

Things got better as the weekend progressed. I spent the day with Coleen. She's a little unhappy but it has nothing to do with me. So I just kept her company and she seemed better because of it. Don't know what to expect any more. I guess only time will tell.

Anyone who expects something to happen must be disappointed. It's still very much the status quo. And it's almost a year now.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

New Day New Hopes

Last night was the wine tasting. I tried to take some pictures but there really weren't many photo opportunities. But I am uploading some.

I'm having a bad day for no reason at all. I'm just really sad. Maybe it's the weather - it's raining again on a Saturday - or maybe it's the fact that Coleen treated me like a stranger last night. After having a phone conversation with her every day this week I called her at work again yesterday morning. It went to voicemail which happens about half the time. So I left as nice a message as I could. Normally I would get some kind of call back but not yesterday. Not even after she left work. I didn't really mind. I mean, she has to work and all. But then I stopped in the bar for a drink before going to the dinner/wine tasting event. She was there having her usual glass of wine. When I came in she said she got my message but wasn't able to call. Then she pretty much ignored me until she left. Made me feel like I'd said something wrong, but it's probably more that she was focused on her evening out with Mark.
So during dinner Roberta started asking about what our situation is. So I told her about how Mark and Coleen were apart until Thursday when he finally got around to calling her. I also told her how they were out to dinner so they were once again a couple. Her response was as brutal as truthful. It's her feeling that I am allowing myself to be used by Coleen to fill the void in her life when she feels that Mark isn't giving her the attention she wants and as soon as Mark wants her she dumps me and goes to him. My response was that I know that it really isn't that bad that she likes Mark. I said what would really bother me is if she finally did end it with Mark and then started seeing someone else new and not me. She reminded me that she has a history of just that.
So I am thinking all about that. I can't come up with an answer. I know I am careening down this path to my own destruction. Part of me wants to wallow in my own miserable thoughts but I've too many friends who care about me enough to not allow me to. So I'll keep breathing and keep living and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Friday, November 14, 2008

One step forward and two stepes back

It's finally Friday and here comes the weekend. It's been a very quiet week so maybe the weekend will be good. Nothing wrong with quiet. Since I was down to my last few dollars staying home was rather easy. I got paid today and I didn't overdraw my account although I was down to less than $10. By the time I finish paying bills it won't be much better this pay period either.

Tonight the plan is to attend a wine tasting event with Janet and Roberta. We will have dinner at a with the wine at a good restaurant in Bayville. I'm bringing my camera so be prepared for some new pictures tomorrow.

Probably the hardest part of this week was passing up the opportunity to see Coleen all week. We have been keeping in touch though and it's still not clear to me if there are any long term potential there. This hot and cold stuff is really getting old. When we spoke Wednesday Coleen told me she though she had been dumped by Mark. She said they hadn't spoken all week and she had not been able to get through to even leave a message. Then I speak to her Thursday and she says she was seeing him for dinner. Turns out he'd lost his cell phone and took a few days before giving up looking and got a new one. So they are seemingly back to being a couple, which I always thought anyway. Until they actually say they can't see each other anymore I will always be convinced that I need to maintain my distance. Talk of taking a trip together will stay just talk. She did call me last night at around 9 saying they just did dinner and then she was home. I feels better than imagine them together for the night. From what Coleen tells me they slept together in more than 2 months. She is probably leading me on.

I don't know how much I'll see her this weekend. I'm trying not to think about it since I have a feeling she has plans with Mark. I'll just keep busy doing things I know I need to do. Maybe I'll help Lisa move to her new place. Or just get my house back in order.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Weekend stuff

It's Veteran's Day. I still have work. Oh, well. At least I have a job. It's a quiet day. A lot of people are out, even in my office. I have so much time off in the bank I should have taken today off too. But I'm here. Doing what I always do.

I made it through the weekend. Things are all the same. Friday night I went to the bar. Before I got there I called Coleen and she was having dinner at Mark's. I was a little surprised since all I ever hear about anymore is how she doesn't want to see him anymore. So in my mind I'm thinking "thank God I haven't allowed myself to get too close." I can lie even to me. So I put my cell in my jacket and hung out at the bar with my friends. Janet and Jami were there and they hadn't seen the Halloween pictures. It was nice but nothing special. Then Coleen came in. No Mark. She said she had been trying to call me but since I had put my phone in my jacket I missed it. She said she has gone to see her Aunt from Connecticut who was on LI visiting cousins. She wants go go for a weekend there to visit and she looked at me and said, "why done we both go this weekend?" I told her I have Friday plans and I was shocked to see she was very disappointed. She said she really needs to get away because everything from home, to work, to her failing relationship are making her feel like she is suffocating. I just said, "sorry."

She pretty much didn't want to talk to me after that. Especially when I told her the plans were to go out to an event that was with Roberta and Janet. I also got pulled aside by Roberta who had just arrived. Roberta and Coleen are now not even saying hello to each other. I'm trying to stay clear of this but that means when I am talking to one I can't talk to the other. In fact, it seems like whoever I talk to the other gets mad. Yes, it's like that. Coleen didn't stay very long and since I was talking to Roberta she left without saying goodbye to me.

I was going to call Coleen as she left but I figured I should just let her be. I waited until Saturday morning then called her. I told her I felt very bad about the night before and much it meant to me that we could make plans and I'd like to try to find a way to plan more. I don't know if I expressed myself right but she was okay after that. I also found out her dinner the night before with Mark wasn't so great. I never found out what the details were but he didn't call her for the rest of the weekend. We got together later in the day and had dinner together. I was surprised to find out there was a wake on Sunday that we were both going to. After dinner we ended our time together. I was home fairly early.

On Sunday Coleen called me about coming over early and hanging out before changing for the wake. My plan was to go straight to the wake from home but she wanted my to come by so we could go together. So I went there early and enjoyed her company for a while before we headed there. It suddenly occurred to me that we had spent almost the entire weekend together. Before you too excited about the possibilities, she had tried to call Mark just after the wake and she couldn't get through to even leave a voice-mail message. It was as if her phone had been blocked.

As we left the wake from the car I saw Janet and Roberta drive in. I called and told them we were stopping off at the bar and some 30 minutes later they came in too. Roberta was, as always, right there with the comments.... "so you and Coleen are dating now?" I don't handle these things well but I just said no but she is my ride. And Coleen had invited me along.

Coleen offered to make dinner and as always I can't refuse. She cooked some really delicious salmon. It felt strangely relationship-ish. Her mom and dad were home - yes she lives with them. I ended the night with just a feeling of closeness. I said I would call her at work, which I did. She said she was taking 2 days off next week. I immediately put in for those days although I haven't told her yet. I'll wait and see if we can make plans but I have this feeling it all has to do with what Mark decides.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

This caught me by surprise

On Wednesday I had a short conversation with Coleen while she was at work. I say short because she cut me off and said she would call me later, which wasn't until tonight. I wasn't feeling very loved but turns out it was for the best. She is having a real bad week at work. So I listened and feels she needs to get away. This is the surprise part. She wants to book a trip on a cruise ship and she would like it if I went too. I think about this and I am reminded of the time I went on a trip with Lisa and after a week with her I came back and didn't want to see her for weeks. Coleen also said we could go as friends.

It's so strange how I can like someone and I somehow become very close but not the way I'd like. So I'm sitting here chewing on how I make this work. I feel history repeating itself.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Bowling night.

I spent last Saturday night bowling with Coleen, Chris, Tony and Barbara. It was great to do something besides just going to a bar, even though we did still drink beer. I hadn't done any bowling in more than 5 years so I was rusty. We all were as none of us bowled better the second game as we did the first.

Coleen and I spent most of Saturday together. I don't know what else I can do because she is still waiting for something to happen with her boyfriend. But she is reaching out to me more and more. I am trying to make plans with her so that she breaks out of her pattern of going to him when she has no one else to talk to. It's probably not going to work but I think it's worth a try.

You can see Coleen bowling style. She didn't do well but you can tell she can bowl once she gets some practice. We are talking about joining a league over the summer. It would be fun but I wouldn't want to commit to bowling ever week of summer. Maybe we can get some others so there would be alternates.
I can't tell but it felt so much like a date. I want to try and get Coleen to come to my house and I'll make dinner. So I've been asking her to show me how to cook some things. So far she has been resisting but she hasn't said never. She just says maybe. So I went to the store and bought some of the things I know she likes to cook. I have this moment in my mind of us sitting on the couch sipping wine and things just evolve.
On Sunday we exchanged phone calls and late in the day we met up at the bar. We didn't stay long but afterwards we went to her house and she cooked dinner. Her mom and dad were there so it was just a meal. There is a lot of tension in that house.
The last picture is of Chris... he used a lot of body english. Chris is also trying to find things to do that would allow us to break out of the boundaries of the bar. The thing is Coleen still doesn't really want to go to far on the off chance Mark might give her a call.
On that note.... Coleen told me their last talk he more or less told her he needs to take care of his life and she would need to put up with the fact that he is not going to be available for what she wants. It sounds very much like he wants her gone. It's a very odd place I'm in. Things will work itself out soon I think.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Halloween on Friday night was fun but for me it wasn't as good as last year. If you've been reading my blog the reason is fairly obvious.

Our costumes were creative, if not politically correct. We were the polygamist family which included a husband and his 5 wives. I was one of the wives, if you can believe that. A skirt and a wig and I was good to go. It was more fun in theory than it was in reality. I guess I'm more homophobic than I thought I was. It wasn't like anyone was mistaking my maleness. I just felt real uncomfortable.

It's Judy, Ed and me in the first picture and Janet, Judy and Roberta in the next picture. Then it's me and Lisa.

We had fun but it was a Friday so it wasn't a late night. The band started lat so I didn't dance much which was fine because I felt very strange in a
dancing in a dress.

I did get to spend some time with Lisa, who just signed a lease on a new apartment and is moving soon. She and Carmine will be moving in together which I want to be happy about but I'm feeling more like it's a loss. I'll still help her move and I know in the end it's a good thing. When a door closes another one usually opens.

One of my major disappointments was that Coleen chose not to come with us on Friday. The friction between her and Roberta has her avoiding any group activities.

I made up for that on Saturday and I will have more about that in my next entry.