Thursday, July 9, 2009

I have issues

It's still July. This has been a really quiet week. Feels like no one wants to talk to me. Except Coleen, but she only wants to be friends. She is reminding me of that now pretty much with every conversation. This is making me sad and frustrated. I'm pretty sure Janet is in a tiff about something, which for her is really bad. She is probably a little put off because I spent my Forth of July with Coleen. Or she is just busy. It's hard to tell since no one is keeping me in the loop.

The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.

So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.

Monday, July 6, 2009

What happened

Wow, I completely missed June. The time spent between the holidays of Mem Day and the Forth were dreary and rainy. I haven't had an excuse to take any pictures the entire month. For the most part not much happened until most recently. I did get away to Florida to visit dad for a week. When I was there my mom flew north to see the rest of the family. So I got a lot of one on one time with dad.

My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.

Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.

Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.

The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.

I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.