Monday, February 28, 2011

Long story from a long weekend

A lot has happened in the last 3 or 4 days but I'm not really sure where to start. Things are a little less out of my control than usual but I still can't figure out what I need to do. I'm sure this is going to sound worse than it is. Let's just say there was a lot of alcohol involved.
For starters Thursday night is so long ago I need to search my mind to recall exact what my night was. I have found that the time stamp feature on my phone helps me reconstruct my memory. Since I had scheduled a day off for Friday i figured I could go out for a while on Thursday night. I texted my friend Jimmy and we planned to play some pool. I've been doing a lot of pool playing lately and only recently took my old cue out of the attic. They found me a nice place to store it in the bar so I can always count on using it. I get there and was happy to see Coleen's car there so I figured I'd get to say hello to her. She was in a much better mood than the night before but she was also chatting it up with everyone but me. So I focused on pool and talked her only just before she left. Jimmy likes Coleen more or less like I do only not to the obsessive way I do. He clues me onto things that I might ordinarily miss, such as her infatuation with these older guys ... really old ... 65 and 70 years old. Jimmy says she has huge "daddy" issues. Something I'd missed before but it makes more and more sense.
Thursday ended fine and I was home reasonably early and up on Friday and did my gym workout. Then I began to run some errands when I got my first text message from Coleen. Her messages have been coming fairly regular lately. I pretty much get one at some point almost every day. I try not to make anything of it since it's been going on since we've met. I tried to stop but it's very validating to know she thinks about me at random times of day.
So Friday afternoon we were back and forth messaging and I just assumed that some 5 o'clock she would show up in the bar so I made sure to go there. Well, 5 o'clock comes and goes and no Coleen. I wasn't going to do anything about it but when 3 people all asked me where she was I just figured I'd send her a text. She responded right away that she was home and not feeling well. I had my doubts but figured the best thing would be to just move on and so I did. I thought it was odd that she would go into the bar everyday and not show up on a Friday night. I just figured she was waiting on the boyfriend Tommy.
After that I just did what I do ... played pool and had fun talking to everyone else. I was home a little late but no too late. I was up early on Saturday and was playing with my new laptop and found out that my old printer didn't have the right cable. So I was figuring on heading to Staples before that I sent a text to Coleen to see if she was feeling better. She said she was at the bar having a bloody mary. It wasn't quite 1 o'clock in the afternoon. I guess since she didn't come out Friday she needed to make up for it? Staples is actually right across the street from the bar so I stopped in after getting my cable. My day began to spiral out of control at this point. I went in and it was quiet so I sat with Coleen and enjoyed her company. The only other person there was a guy name of Luke that I'd never met. We switch from bloody mary to wine and we played pool. The guy Luke was pretty chatty and Coleen had plans to see Tommy for dinner so I was just going with the flow. I know I should have gotten something to eat but I completely lost track of time. I think Coleen left at 4 and I was thinking she was not in any shape for going out. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
As always I kind of taking things in and try not to process them too much but there are always moments that make me realize I'm not ever going to get what I want. Coleen was sure to make it known that we have never slept together. Right, and she has a boyfriend now ... in case I forgot. Oh and she had made sure to shave all three areas.... "Three?" I said. Legs, underarms and "the other one". Yeah, that one stuck with for a while... a girl shaves before a date ... well I know what that means. Thank God some other friends came in so I could get away from that conversation.
She left and I was still there as I had no where to go and most of my friends had shown up. Problem was I was already into my 5th glass of wine and it was hitting me like a ton of bricks and it didn't help that I had yet to eat. And I wasn't leaving until about 6:30 and I knew there was no driving. I managed to get another friend to take me home and I left my car in the lot. When I got home I planned to cook some dinner but passed out on the couch instead. Probably wasn't even 8 o'clock yet. Turned out the lights and went to bed and slept until about 5:30. Then tossed and turned for an hour and remembered the car needed to be retrieved. So I woke up and had some coffee and grabbed my coat and started walking. It's about 2 miles so it wasn't too bad.
I got the car home and spent the rest of my day glued to the couch. It was at about 2:30 I got a text from Coleen. We actually had a phone conversation and I reluctantly asked how her dinner was ... she said fine ... she had salmon. My thoughts were that she handled the wine better than I did. Apparently not because later on when I went to see Jimmy he told me that after I had left Saturday night ... and not long after I'd left... Coleen came back into the bar in tears because she and Tommy had broken up. When I told Jimmy I'd spoken to her and even asked how the dinner was and she never even hinted at anything unusual had happened he just shook his head and said not to really say anything. Crazy huh? Don't know what to think except she does that. I never want to be shoulder she cries on anyway. I had enough of that from Lisa.
That leaves me wondering what the details are but I don't dare ask. I can guess that when Tommy took one look at her she it must have been obvious that she had too many drinks already and he flipped out on her. I may be partially responsible but only barely. She was in the bar already when I went, but it may have been my company that put her there. But she has been such an emotional train wreck lately you would think he would have given her some slack. Maybe I will never really know.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I went from the quiet solitude of Tuesday to last night having 3 dinner invites. First invite was Lisa asking if I wanted to eat out at a Japanese restaurant. Second was Coleen asking if I'd like to share dinner with her family to celebrate her mom's birthday. Third was my sister. Typical of my life. It's feast or famine.
Guess which one I picked. Of course I went to Coleen's and celebrated her mom's birthday. I stopped and picked her mom up some flowers I thought she might like. Her mom seems like she is over her severe depression and has become very outgoing. It's nice to see someone getting better instead of worse. Last year you would never have seen her react, let alone smile.
As the evening went on Coleen had more than a little wine. She had some emotional moments. I mean in a bad way. She still missing her deceased dog. She is now also upset with her dad and her brother. I think all this probably comes from another issue that she can't deal with right now. Her life is no where near how she would like it. But it's not for me to fix her problems, as much I want to. I think the thing that was most bothering her is her guy Tommy wasn't around or even calling her. He will do that for days at a time. I guess I've always known Coleen is very insecure but it's harder for me to see it because I've never been the one she wants to see or hear from.
For me it was a much better evening. I had a few chats with her and at the end of the evening I asked why Jimmy didn't come and her response kind of surprised me. She said something along the lines of how I am much more important to her that Jimmy. Don't know how she meant that.
When I left it was a little late but I was home in plenty of time to get a good night's sleep. I actually had one of the most restful sleeps I've had in a while.
Coleen's birthday is next Tuesday. The little voice in my head is saying to step back and not do anything special and see how it goes. Last year I had a present for her that she received by mail. She said she liked it but I never really got a sense of how much. I still don't have a gift for her and I'm not sure if she really cares if I get her something or not. Right now I'm leaning toward "not".

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A whole lotta nothing

On my scale of 1 to 10 yesterday barely made it to 3. I was alone for my entire day. At least I did get a phone call last night from Chris so I wasn't a complete recluse. With all the I never did post about my Monday.
Monday was a holiday so there was no work. I more of less spent the entire day doing about as little as possible. I was getting periodic text messages from Coleen, who was at work and apparently more bored than usual. She had been all upset on Sunday about her home situation and was feeling guilty about being so emotional around so many people in the bar. What she failed to mention was she had spent the night at Tommy's and was still not speaking to her dad.
This all started because she hadn't reset the shower sprayer in their one and only bathroom. After getting on her case for a week her dad got out the epoxy and now the shower only works the way he likes it. She tells this story and she is obviously all upset, but all I could do is laugh. All she could say is how she can't even wash her hair anymore.
On Monday I saw her at the bar and I just causally asked how she had handled the shower that morning. She responded by saying she had spent the night at Tommy's and showered there. "Oh", was all I could think to say. So she has a key since I knew Tommy works nights and gets home late. My guess is she will gradually start moving in. And only a week ago she was saying how she doesn't even really like him anymore.
So what happens to me Monday night... I wake up at 3 a.m. and can't get back to sleep. I don't even know if the reason is her or the fact that it's a year ago my dad died or even the fact that I am no longer even speaking to Janet. Or is Janet not speaking to me? This wasn't just a toss and turn restless night either. It felt like a full blown panic attack where I feel my heart beating out of my chest and there isn't enough air in the room. I've had these before although not in a long while. I try to tell my self to relax and for the most part it works but I was still not getting any REM sleep.
I was fortunate enough to be working from the kitchen table yesterday so even though I was tired I got my work done. There was no going anywhere after work though. I didn't get any friend contact ... no emails from anyone, no text messages ... specifically none from Coleen and no phone calls until Chris rang me up at about 8 o'clock to tell me he'd dealt with his money situation from his daughter's mother. They were never married although he wishes they were. He said he is gaining perspective as he tries to distance himself from the woman. It seems she got herself a boy friend and as it gets more serious Chris get more upset and I've been trying to make him feel better about it. He also listens to me when I rant about my inability to make anything work with the women in my life. He told me he had been up to the bar and was talking to Dean of all people. That would be the same guy the Coleen was shacking up with a few times in the fall. Chris told me he had some good advice on how to handle being a single dad. I wasn't that interested in hearing about that.
How do I feel today? Not really in a good place. I managed to alienate myself from just about every woman I know. I try to rationalize this to myself as something that needs to happen since none of them consider me to be sex-worthy. I love having friends but I'm beginning to think the women friends are preventing me from finding someone who might be more than a friend. I need that to change. I have so many things working in my life right now but the one thing I don't have is any affection. I'm frustrated.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy Prez Day

It's Presidents Day so no work for me today. I slept a little late and then made it into the gym. There is a bit of snow outside but not enough to keep anyone from getting where they need to go.
I slept late because last night I was playing pool at the bar kind of late. It didn't start out fun though as Coleen was there and was upset about some argument she had with her dad. She was on the verge of tears the entire time she was there. It was something insignificant but it was the straw to break the camels back so to speak. She is about to be 44 and has had to live with her parents since her divorce more than 7 years ago. She feels trapped because she doesn't have money to move. It's mostly her own fault but it still triggers my whole co-dependant thing as I would love to help her. But she isn't really looking at that from me and the one's she looks to aren't going to do that. Probably best that way. I've always said God tends to protect me from myself at times.
With that she left and I stayed in the bar and played lots of pool. I once played a lot years ago and I am enjoying playing again. It's a good diversion

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Kick back day

Posting on a Sunday is a rare event for me but not much is going on and I'm still trying to get used to my new laptop. Not much of a weekend for social activity. I spent Friday evening with my sister having pizza for dinner. I decided not to head up to the bar. It was a fun sober night. I did go to the bar on Saturday but I was there early and left early. I had dinner at home alone and went to be early. And today I've been just laying around the house. Things are picking up. Since I started this entry I got a call from my sister, a text from Coleen and chat with Lisa. But no one really has any inclination to do anything with me. So I continue my lazy day.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm in, I'm out, I'm in and I'm out

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I wish I could do better to control how I feel about people. I didn't talk to Coleen last night for the first time all week. I was out of the house getting my new glasses so I knew I wouldn't call her. I had hopes that she could reach out to me but that didn't happen. I should know better by now. Her pattern is to wait until Saturday or Sunday.
Wednesday I took Coleen out for dinner. It was a casual spontaneous thing. Like always. It started where she sent me a text and I met her for a happy hour cocktail. That was parlayed into dinner. Then I spent a half hour with her family. It was nice and I did enjoy it.
Her mom has her birthday next week and Coleen was planning to take her to dinner Sunday night and mentioned it to me that I could come. But she has changed it to Wednesday and even that is tentative. I keep asking her if I should expect to go and like any plans we make she is evasive. I know what that's about because I do the same thing. When I wait for her to call I put off all other plans until the last possible moment. I know she is having problems with Tommy and still probably wants him to be the boyfriend.
I plan to hang with my sister tonight and yes it is Friday but I'll try to stay away from all these women that are making me crazy. Since I no longer have any contact with Janet and Roberta I would rather not do the same old Friday night. It remains to be seen how well this will work.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

New PC

I now own a non-work laptop. The restrictions that were being applied to the firewall were just making using the one and only work laptop more and more difficult. So I broke down and made the purchase I've needed to do for a long time. It's taking some time getting used to the new features but I'll get it eventually.
After picking up the new PC instead of going home I went up to the bar. I decided to get some dinner to go instead of eating leftovers. I got there and sure enough I saw Coleen there along with Jimmy. So I stayed there about 2 hours. Coleen told me about her Valentines Day ... she did nothing. At least that's her story. She did say she wished I'd called. She left after about an hour but said I should give her a call. We will see.
I have much to do today so this will be short. Maybe tomorrow i will have more.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My Life As Mike

I had another Valentine alone last night. Didn't send any and didn't get any. Given the name of this blog you might think I'm feeling bad about but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was home last night. Just me, the cat, a bag of potato chips and a bunch of sappy sit-coms about Valentine's Day. I considered calling somebody, anybody, but I was thinking I'd rather not let the world know I was alone. And I really didn't want to find out what anyone else was doing. Let them all think I was out with someone else. They all think that anyway. I considered the bar but I couldn't even do that. There was no human contact with anyone last night.
I did go out last night to the electronics store and buy myself a new laptop pc. It's a real cheap one that I'll use for emails and iTunes and a place to put my pictures. So I'm guaranteed to keep access to the blog.
I don't hear from Janet much any more. That may be due to my own fault since I am not being too receptive lately. But it may also be her issues at work right now. Things have become very difficult for her lately since the ousted the management there and replaced them with corporate trolls. She knows the job is relocating but then just haven't said where. When I last saw her Saturday she said she was having a real tough time. I considered giving her a call to see how she is doing. Probably not a good thing to do until after Valentine's Day. So tonight I'll reach out to her. If she wants to talk I'll be glad but if she's upset with me about whatever I may just need to stay out of her life for a while. I want to spend less time around her anyway.
So what's left. The rest of the week will be fairly normal. It's doubtful that I'll do anything more than just work.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The unplanned weekend

I thought I would lay low this weekend but that didn't exactly go as planned. If that is a good thing only time will tell. Friday night I went to my sister's house to see how well my brother-in-law was doing since he is back from the hospital. My brother and sister-in-law were also there so it turned into a more social thing. It was not a long night as my sister was very tired and so is her husband Ken. We shared a pizza and were done by 7:00. So from there I went up to the bar to watch the hockey and basketball on the tv. I didn't expect to see Coleen there since her usual M.O. (Modis Operandai) is to be gone by 7. And I was right. More about that later.
So I didn't want to stay too late as I was trying not to spend too much money. I saw Jami there and she was upset because her pet cat had died suddenly. That's 2 animals gone in just a few days. I told her how sorry I was and I sincerely was. She left soon after and I promised to give her a call the next day. After 2 drinks I was done and headed to the car to go home.
I got to my car and saw parked next to me was Janet's car. Since she wasn't in the bar I knew she was in the restaurant bar that was further down the street. For some reason I thought it would be rude if I didn't at least go in and say hello. That was an error on my part. Janet and Roberta were there hanging out with some other people that I sort of know. They are much older. And they were giving me the serious cold shoulder, especially Roberta. I am so sick of her act. Janet seemed okay if not just a little drunk. I considered leaving but I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. So I stayed and bought one drink with the last of the cash I had. I ended up bumping into a girl I knew from high school. Actually she knew me because I had no idea who she was. With that I left.
Woke up early on Saturday and did the gym. I saw Lisa there. She hadn't been going since before Christmas so it's good to see her getting back into it a little. It was her birthday Sunday. She had plans to be with the fiance and the rest of her family. I didn't get any kind of invite which in all honesty is fine since I hadn't gotten her a present. Now that she is officially engaged I don't think I can feel comfortable around her family while they make wedding plans. I spent the rest of the day doing laundry and cooking.
I managed to scrape up $20 so I thought I might hang out for a bit at happy hour. I was having a really good night shooting pool. The only way I could lose was by my scratching on the eight ball. I think I won about 6 out of the eight games I played. While playing I did see Coleen come in but she stayed only briefly and never really spoke to me. She was mad at Tommy again and since I didn't want to hear it I was glad she spoke to other people. As she left I said I was sad we didn't get a chance to talk. But she just left. The rest of my night was uneventful.
Sunday came and I was awake early. As I laid in bed I couldn't decide whether I would even venture out. But I got up and was showered and shaved by 8:30. As I sat and read the paper the phone rang. My old scuba diving friends were sharing breakfast at the diner. Oops. Forgot about that. So I hopped into the car and headed there. It was good to see them. I wish I could plan something with them but I still don't see my financial situation allowing that. But I felt good reconnecting with friends.
With that I was heading home at about 11 when I got a text from Coleen. I'm never sure about what that will bring and of course there is no plan. She wanted to go to the mall and we now are shopping buddies. Yeah, I know ... a little gay. But it was a chance to spend the day with her so I jumped on it. She said she has decided to spend more time at home making sure to have a proper dinner for herself and her parents. I sensed this has more to do with her falling out with Tommy than anything. She had a grocery store list so we went food shopping. Let me tell you something ... Coleen takes forever to go food shopping. We were 2 hours in that store. She did buy a lot of food ... more than $100. She really is planning to cook more. It is her intention to stay home more. From what I could see there was enough food for a couple weeks of dinners.
While shopping I got a call from Chris. I knew Coleen was planning a dinner with her parents and hadn't mentioned more than that I figured I would plan my own thing with Chris and invited him to dinner. Coleen then said I needed to stay for dinner there and this then turned into a huge deal with Chris coming there and me bring my big plate of ziti along with the stew Coleen made. It ended up being a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
We laughed and ate and before I knew it I had stayed past 8 PM. As I said good bye I noticed Coleen's phone had a missed call and pointed it out to her. She just dismissed it. With that Chris and I were out the door. Last thing I said to Chris was how it seems like the best days are the one's where I make no plans and just let them happen.
Today is Valentines day and I've nothing to show for it. Oh well, I can make the best of it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

News - mostly good

I called my sister yesterday to see how long my brother-in-law was going to be in the hospital and was pleasantly surprised when he was the one who answered. My sister said he would stay until at least Friday so it was really great news to have him back home. He still struggles to swallow and he has a feeding tube in order to get enough sustenance but being home is way better than the hospital.
I need to get a better grip on my finances. I am down to my last $20 and still not seeing any money until next Tuesday. I guess I will be using the credit card or just laying low this weekend. Not as if there is a big valentine I need to take care of.
I took the day off from work yesterday (Thursday). The plan was to join 3 of my siblings and go skiing, but when Kenny went into the hospital we decided we should do it another time. But since I'd already requested the day I took it anyway and got some things done. Went to the gym in the morning. In the afternoon I got a haircut, then went to allergist and finally get my eyes checked and ordered new glasses. These were all things I'd been putting off for one reason or another. Seems like it snows each time I planned to go for allergy shots.
It was good that I had Thursday off because on the way home Wednesday night I got a text message from Coleen asking what I had planned for dinner. We ended up getting Chinese food and we ate it at her house. This after having 3 glasses of wine. She told me she had an argument with Tommy which doesn't shock me at all. I don't know what to make of that, but I was pleased she called me. I just wish I wasn't such a pushover. Or at least had a clue how to take advantage of the situation. She says he has huge mood swings, like maybe he is bipolar. So much baggage. Next thing I will hear is they worked it out.
I pretty much have my weekend mapped out. It it's like any other weekend I will visit my sister and see how my brother-in-law is doing. Probably have a slice of pizza there. Jimmy said he would be hanging out in a different place so I may do that or I may just go home and prepare for an early start for my Saturday at the gym.
I'll do the gym and then go home. This is usually when I'll get a message from Coleen. I won't have much else to do. Staying away would be the best idea but I haven't done that before. Sunday I won't do much either. I should start a project. Or it's Lisa's birthday and maybe I can see her. One of these things will happen, Tune in Monday for the results.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Short note today

Yesterday I got a little bad news. My brother-in-law, Kenny is in the hospital. He just finished chemotherapy for throat cancer and he has so much swelling and soreness that he can't swallow a thing. He is getting fed through a tube right now so he can hydrate. I visited him at home last Saturday and it's really been tough on him. He has lost a lot of weight. I'm not sure if this is all that unexpected but it is for me. I just hope he recovers quickly.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Wasted Time.

My life has become so predictable. It's as if there is a script that I must follow. I could have written this on Friday. It just goes to show how hard it is to make changes. I stayed in on Friday just so that I could see how it will effect the rest of the weekend. I was kind of hoping I could not spend a lot of money. That worked out well on Friday but not so much the rest of the weekend. At least I can say my house is in order. I also got my ass into the gym early on Saturday morning. My main project was to get all the junk out of my spare room and move some other things cluttering up the house into the storage attic. Between Friday night and Saturday I got that done.
After finishing it was still midday on Saturday and I had this urge to call Coleen. Seems like I always get a text from her on Saturday. It's become like a tradition. I know she is spending her night's with Tommy now but he works a lot of weekends so I expect she gets bored at some point on Saturday and that's when i get a call. And of course I like that. But is was past 2 and nothing and I decided I need to make my own plan and stop waiting for that. So I took a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond. I had a gift card that was getting old and figured I should use it before it expired. I am less than 2 minutes from the store and that's when Coleen send me a text. Just "Hey" is all it said. I responded and we were back and forth the entire time I was shopping. "What are you buying now?", she asked. I guess she thinks I'm a shop-a-holic. Before leaving I called just to have a real conversation. I was going to the bar anyways so I picked her up at 5 and we went together. Not a date ... she had plans for that later and not with me. Again I could have written this out on Friday as it was my basic weekend. In my mind I know how pointless this all is but I play it out anyway.
So we sat together and I mixed it up talking to all the people I know but also having a place at the bar next to Coleen so we did get to talk a lot. I could see how she is trying to enjoy herself even though she is still sad about her dog. She was ready to head home at seven so I took her home and came back for a bit. I got to her driveway and she did something she's never done before. She didn't hop right out, and we sat in the driveway and talked. She explained how she wants to enjoy herself but it's so hard because she knows each time she comes home Samson will no longer be there waiting. I did my best to console her because I really miss the dog too. I tried to hold her hand and tell her that but she pulled it away. I am not very good at these things so I just told her these things never really get better, we just learn to cope. I didn't want to try to tell her how I have more losses than she does as this is her pain and empathy didn't seem right. With that she said good night and I went back to the bar and spent the rest of my night playing pool with my friends.
At 8 I saw Janet roll in. She couldn't stay even though I offered to buy her a drink. I know she was supposed to have dinner at the Italian restaurant we go to and I had purposely not gone or asked about going. After the week before I've decided I need to not spend time with "the girls". I think Janet senses this. At least I hope she does. I'll explain it to her at some point. Still I was sad she left so quickly.
And that was my rollicking Saturday. Sunday was the Super Bowl which for me started at 3 o'clock. Spoke to Coleen who was planning to have dinner then come to the bar with her Tommy. So she got there just before kickoff. She had a chance to sit in a couple of seats near me but she chose to still down a ways from me. I was glad for that as I didn't want to hear her chit-chat with Tom. He is an odd guy ... separated but not yet divorced. Older than me but I'm not sure by how much. He is very much blue collar. We did have a short conversation but I honestly don't remember what he was saying. He gets to go home with the girl so talking was not good for me. I don't want to be his friend.
My plan was to stay until halftime but I ended up staying for the entire game. Lilly behind the bar kept my glass full so I stayed. She is good that way. Sometimes I convince myself she might even like me, but then that's what a good bartender is supposed to do. I was shocked the Coleen and Tom stayed until the end. When she left I asked her to call me from work on Monday. She said she expect work will be crazy and I should not call her. Reading between the lines I figure she was calling in and would be with Tom on Monday. That's just a guess but I also know that she would always be home by 9 on a night before work.
I was home at 10:30 and in bed by 11. Sleep came fast as I'd had one last beer before bed. Just another wasted weekend.

Friday, February 4, 2011

My daily blah blah blog

I can give myself a rating of 6 yesterday. It's Friday. I am mellowing out as the week continues. I saw Janet at the grocery store yesterday. She snuck up on me. We chatted and I apologized for how I've been the last week or so. She said work is making her miserable right now. The corporate bosses ousted the president and replaced him with their toadies. Since Janet is the office manager and pretty much the assistant to the president she feels as if her days are numbered. This even though she is performing her job for the new management team just as effectively as the old one. She is professional and I pray she lands on her feet. Janet has never been one to set money aside for emergencies.
After the grocery store I stopped in the bar and hung out for a bit. I'd missed Coleen which was fine by me. We spoke on the phone earlier in the day and she seems like she doesn't have much to say anymore. She is having trouble moving on from the death of the dog and while I feel for her I am getting a little tired of it. It's 2 weeks today and she needs to start letting it go.
Not sure what I want to do tonight but I think I'm going to pass up going out for a drink. I'll do dinner but that's about it. I am looking at my financial situation and I'm realizing I need to be more frugal. So maybe I'll just be a homebody this weekend. Those plans are subject to change as always.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Rate the day from 1 to 10

Seems like lately I've had the urge to publish on a daily basis. It's beginning to become part of my morning start up. Log on and go over the previous day's events. I'm considering giving myself a rating of 1 to 10 for how each day is. I figure a 1 as bad ... like someone close to me has died. A 10 would need to be I get laid. Up until now I've had more 1's than 10's. I'll put yesterday at about a 5.
I say a 5 since I can't say much of anything really happened one way or another. The good is my bro-in-law, Kenny finished his treatment on the cancer he has and now we wait 4 weeks to see how effective it is. That may be my good news.
I spent yesterday working and had no contacts with anyone all day. No emails or phone calls outside of ones relating to work. I worked from home so I ended my workday feeling very isolated. I had planned to go to the gym but I needed to escape this loneliness and be around people. I went to the bar and saw Coleen there. She didn't stay long but we did get in some conversation. It is one of the things I can count on. She actually scolded me for not calling her, but I think she was mostly joking. She left early to see Tommy at his house. He had told her he wasn't feeling well but she was going anyway. I had this feeling him not feeling well was his code that he didn't want her coming around. That's a funny thing about her ... she gets more needy if you tell her to go away. To me she seems very self assured but that is mostly because she resists me.
When she left she said she would be home after a quick stop in and I should either call her either later or at work the next day. I said I would more likely text. I really don't understand what she needs me to call for. But I am lonely and do feel good that there is someone who just likes to hear from me about nothing in particular. It's an odd place to be.
After she was gone I had a drink alone at the end of the bar. There are so many people that I know that are regulars there but none of them were around. Not even Jimmy who I can always count on for bar company. I just sat alone with my thoughts watching the early barmaid count out and the night barmaid set up. I keep losing track of there names ... Lilly is the late bartender and she is young and thin and seems to have a nice word to say to me whenever I see her. I know she is single and had a daughter. I don't know if there is a man in her life. The day bartender's name always escapes me. I remember it starts with an A. She is new and even younger than Lilly. She is also single but there is a man in her life. Neither one are prospects.
After a while some friends did arrive to keep me company so I could talk to someone. Before I left I did send a text just to see if I would get a response. Right, I know, stupid. But Coleen did saw she was home and restated that I should call next day. With that I was home.
So I give my day a 5. Today can either be better or worse. We will see.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy Groundhog Day

It's Groundhog Day. Sleet and ice outside... there is not shadow that I can see so I'm guessing that means an early spring. Not really getting my hopes up. Am I the only one who sees the irony in the fact that there is a movie channel showing Bill Murray in Groundhog Day over and over today?
I worked in the city yesterday and somehow I must have left my ipod on all day because it was dead for the ride home. So all I had for the ride was to sit and look out the window with my thoughts. Not a good thing if I am struggling with my feeling of isolation. It may have been the longest train ride ever. I must have taken my phone out 10 times to see if I could call anyone, or better yet text. But I resisted the urge because I was just being needy.
I got home and there was a sheet of ice on the ground so I got home and planned a quiet evening home alone. I changes and got dinner started. A simple salad and spaghetti. As I started the water boiling I heard the cell phone chirp from the bedroom. What, a text message from Coleen? Yup. Nothing dramatic, she was just home like me and feeling alone. Makes me wonder if I an powerful enough to send out ESP for my mood and she heard it. More likely just coincidence. My guess is no one else responds as quickly because we chatted on the phone all too briefly. She said she needed to go and she would call back. I never ask why but I am going to assume the Tommy was calling from work. She did call me back but over an hour later. No way I was going to ask what the call was.
Part of me wishes Coleen would go away, but I was feeling alone so I was so elated from hearing from someone that I forgot about it. I can't really figure out why she likes to talk to me when there are so many other guys she finds more attractive. She resists making plans with me. She just tells me where she is and hopes I show up, which I usually do. This is such a bad pattern. My own little Groundhog Day. One where my heart breaks over and over. Worse yet I have all the power to make it stop. "Okay campers, rise and shine because it's cold out there". Something will break the string.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

No Drama.

I guess I can expect a quiet week. All the drama queens are leaving me alone, which is what I want. I did get a call from an old friend. Marilyn I know from my scuba diving days. That's something I don't do anymore. It just got too expensive and isn't something you should do if money is tight. But it was good to hear from her and there is plans for the whole group to get together for a breakfast in a week or two. We chatted for more than half an hour. Marilyn is not a prospect as she it a little bit older than I am. She was very close to my departed friend Joe. They may have had an affair but Joe was smart enough to keep it a secret from me. It will be 5 years since he died this month. Wow ... seems like it just happened. We are also coming up on one year since dad died. February has never been my favorite month, but it's even less so now.
I also got a text message from Lisa although I was busy in the gym when she sent it so I don't know if she ever saw my reply. She just had a question about someone.
My time at the gym was tough. I did all the regular stuff I always do but at the end I felt light headed and thought I might pass out. This happened just as I was preparing to leave. I think I just may have been dehydrated even though I drank the usual amount of water. I hadn't eaten since lunch and was late because I was working in the city and needed to run an errand so by the time I finished it was almost 9 PM. Maybe 9 hours without food or water is too much. Or it could be the cold weather. After I got home and had dinner I felt better so I'm sure there nothing more to that. The mistake I made was drinking soda with dinner. I probably had 20 ounces of caffeine. When I went to bed I had difficulty falling asleep.
I also spoke to my brother yesterday. Barry want to play hookie from work and go skiing. I haven't gone skiing in a long time but I am considering going. Physically I can do it but my gear has been sitting in a closet so long I'm afraid for how it will go. I will get it out and see how it feels.
So it was a drama free Monday. Let's see how Tuesday goes.