Thursday, May 31, 2012


I just put in for a week off starting June 18th. If you include the weekends I will vacation from June 16 through June 24. I don't have any real plan but I have a conversation with Lisa last night and she was planning her vacation the same week. She should have moved by then although she may put it off until then. She wants to wait until then so she can be around to help her cat transition to the new home. I also figure since no one will commit to spending vacation with me I will just take that week off and see how things develop. Worse case I will just relax and work on my tan all week.
Tomorrow is June 1. Carolyn's birthday. She will be 50. You might think she wants to celebrate but I don't think so. I sent her a message about making plans and she could only respond that she was in court. Another message has gone unanswered. It's up to her for now. I'm not making a big deal of it.
I've been going to Lisa's new home the last 2 nights and helping her with whatever she needs. She briefly touched on having a housewarming party but stopped short on who to invite and then said "I have no other friends except for you, Mike". What is that about? Is that part of the fallout from ending an engagement? I'm sure she exaggerates but I am hard pressed to think of who she spends her time with outside of C and myself.
Where am I going with this? I wish I knew. It feels validating but it isn't really getting me anything. I am in this place I don't want to be. I'm not going to dwell on it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Memories of Memorial Day

As typical for me I either had multiple opportunities or none. Things started on Friday. Lisa was finally in her new place right near my house, but I also heard from Janet who wanted me to come out and share dinner with her. I wasn't sure what Lisa wants so I went for dinner with Janet after stopping in to see Lisa. She was prepping for the paint she was going to do on Saturday. I was very conflicted but I also figured she would have her sister for company and also she had told me she was having someone from work who would help.
I was feeling that a lot the entire weekend. I wasn't sure about anything. What I really wanted from Lisa was to share the experience, but I also knew she has an agenda that does not include me. I will probably expand on that later in the week.
I guess can just recap all that I did without any embellishments. Went to help Lisa on Saturday morning. I got one wall painted. Then went to pick mom up at airport. On the way back I stopped at Home Depot to buy more paint.. Helped Lisa paint the rest of her living room. Went to a neighborhood barbecue with Lisa so she could meet the neighbors. Talked to the mayor of Glen Cove. Left an exhausted Lisa laying on my couch to go see the fireworks. Lisa was too tired to go. Saw the most awesome display of fireworks ever. Got home to find Lisa had left a note. Early Sunday Lisa texted me that C was helping. She said she didn't need me to help. Went to the boat and spent morning cleaning from night before. Brought lunch to Lisa and C. Helped them a little. Took a ride with Lisa to Home Depot. Bought plants. Called it a night by 6. Monday I went to see Memorial Day Parade. Snoozed the afternoon away on the boat. Went to barbecue and saw Janet and other friends.
And that was my weekend. Just moving from one thing to another. I am like a rat in a maze. I just keep turning one corner then the next without any idea where I'm going or where I'll end up. Even this post has taken me 2 days.

Friday, May 25, 2012

New beginning or same old same old.

Here it is again. The Memorial Day Weekend has arrived. I consider this to be the best party weekend of the year. At least it is for me. The summer is about to start and we all look at the coming months with hope and optimism. Maybe this will be the summer where everything goes my way. For me, usually by July 4th I've fallen into the familiar pattern for the summer that usually means things will be the same as all the other summers. By then I've become jaded.
But let's not dwell on that. It's a three day weekend!!! My focus is on Saturday. There is a barbecue and fireworks scheduled. In past years I've hosted a picnic/bbq in the park near my boat. For me it involved starting early getting things set up and then waiting for everyone to show up, which would not occur until almost dark. I got tired of that and last year enjoyed a day out on my boat. Seemed like no one even noticed. That is until later. People showed up expect me to have reserved the space in the park only to find me entertaining people at my boat.
This year my mom is arriving from Florida on Saturday morning and she indicated she wanted to see the fireworks. I started to set something up but then my family had other ideas. First Sue and Brian were having it at their house, now my sister says she wants everyone to come there. So I'm off the hook.
Which brings me to the other big event. Lisa is closing on her co-op apartment today. I may just find myself there doing whatever I can to help her. I'm not sure what I will be able to do with all the other things going on but I will be happy to see her as my neighbor once she actually moves. She has indicated to me how much she is looking forward to us doing things we both love. We will see if that actually happens, but at the very least we can just see each other a few times a week.
I think I need to get my camera out and get some pictures into this blog. Stay tuned for that.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Love Rollercoaster

How badly have I started this day .... I don't know but I can tell you this ... somehow I managed to get dressed this morning with my underwear on backwards. So I'm in the bathroom at work, really early so it was just me, and I can't seem to find the opening so I could pee. I finally pull my pants down and I see the tag... Was I even awake this morning when I got dressed? At least I wasn't somewhere in public. I wonder if this is one of those old man things that will be hounding me for the rest of my days. I may need to lock this one in the vault and not tell anyone.
I have been so busy lately it seems I have errands to run everyday after work. Nothing huge, but I needed to go to the grocery store last night. I also have tons of dirty clothes that need to go into laundry. Maybe tonight but I also want to get some things for BBQ this weekend. I may need to hold off laundry until Saturday morning. That will be fun way to start my holiday weekend.
Last night's big event was Lisa calling me about what she needs to do for her new place. She has only 2 more days until she closes. She seems like she is still thinking about what she has lost (her engagement) and is not as excited about her future. She sent me an email and specifically mentioned that. Maybe once she has herself in her new environment she will start to feel better. 
But this needs to be about me. How would I prefer things to be? I don't want to fool myself into thinking Lisa will suddenly appear at my door and confess her love to me. If I've learned anything since I started this blog it is that I'm most likely not going to change anything. If she was even a little in love with me she would not be moving into another place, rather she would just move in to my place. There is this feeling I get that I want her. It never goes away. There has never been anyone that I could get this close to and I kind of don't want anyone else. At least until Lisa finds her next thing. I will consider other things more as a response than me actually wanting someone. I think that is how I've felt about Carolyn. Although she hasn't exactly looked to heat things up either.
I guess I will never get any movement until I get off the ride make it happen. But for now I'm still just on the ride.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Which way to go.

I am going in so many different directions I'm not sure where to start. Friday night started just like the others lately. I get home from work and I have no specific plans. I considered going to the bar but I pretty much have been staying out of there and looking for other options. I also considered staying in and having dinner at home and then going down to the marina and enjoy relaxing there. Then the phone rang and before I knew it I was having dinner with Lisa. We went for sake and sushi.
We were going to just have a nice dinner and then call it a night but I casually mentioned there was a canival going on down at the beach near the boat. Lisa said she would love to go check it out. Next thing I knew I was going on rides with Lisa with all these kids. She was loving it and I was afraid I was going to lose my dinner. I know Lisa for more than 10 years and I had no idea how much she loves these rides. I was easily the oldest one there. And getting sick was a very real problem, but I managed to survive. I want to blame the dinner, but nothing bothered Lisa.
I really enjoyed the feeling of doing these things with Lisa. I don'y want to start bonding too much with her again but it's really hard. I've totlally gotten away from anything else. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
I know we are only going to be friends and that is the limit. I'm sure she has her own things she wants. So when she called me on Saturday from her sister's just to see how I was doing I invited myself there for dinner. Probably should not have done that. By Sunday I think she had enough Mike time. I sent her a message to see if she wanted to do something I got no response until 5 PM. She said she had left her phone on the changer so didn't know I'd texted. By then I was enjoying a glass of wine with Carolyn, of all people. I hadn't seen her in weeks and she had come down to her boat to clean. I helped her a bit but not too long. It was a nice distraction.
So like I said ... many directions.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Basic Thursday

I noticed the other day that in the ariel font the letters "r" and "n" seem to meld into an "m" and the word torn looks way too much like Tom. Maybe it's my eyes.
It finally Friday. I want that to mean something but I'm also thinking about how little I have accomplished lately. Last Friday I was hanging around the house and ended up having Lisa for company. It wasn't the perfect evening but it was way better than anything else I could have come up with. I want more but I hesitate to ask her if she'd like to plan an evening. I think last Friday was all about how nothing else came up for her so she went to me as a last resort. I am tempted to spend tonight doing laundry. It may be the better option than going out as the lone wolf or hoping for a repeat of last weekend.
Last night I was feeling especially trapped inside so after I finished cleaning up from dinner I went to the boat, which was the only place I could think of. I got there only minutes before sunset and I could feel a chill in the air by the time the sun had gone down so I wasn't there very long. There is a carnival in the park this weekend and last night was day one. It is one of those things where these truck based rides are set up with lots of light and noise. There was also a band playing old Beatle songs. I noticed Carolyn's sister Nancy leaving in her car as I was coming in but I passed by without her seeing me. It's just as well. That was as close to seeing anyone. I considered going in and seeing the band but they ended their set before I could get over there and I felt better about going home. And that was my evening. It should be easy to top.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Man In the Mirror

Tons of work to do. But I need to post today. Lots going on and yet nothing going on. Because it is mostly in my head. As time goes by I feel less and less like calling Carolyn. Right now she is so absorbed in her troubles she can't really focus on anything else. I have too much I want to do other than feel bad for her. She made her own mess and I'd rather not get sucked into it. Besides, she has made it clear she is never looking at me as anything but someone to kill time with and nothing more.
With that I am feeling more and more like I am the lone warrior. I mean I can always find someone who wants to have dinner or enjoy a night out but as I feel every one of my 55 years I seem to care less and less whether it leads to anything or not. I am more content at home with my cat than anywhere else right now. I was once jealous of couples but now I kind of look at them as stuck. Maybe that is just me being jaded or rationalizing my current situation to where I can cope. But right now I feel like no one has it better then I do.
Lisa moving had me worried that I was going to get obsessive but I'm trying to check that at the door. It will be good that my closest friend is my neighbor. My suspicions that she is looking to spend time with her married co-worker are proving to be more on the money lately. That will play out and I won't get emotional about it no matter what.
As I grow older I see women my age doing things like that more and more. All the rules they have get thrown to the side whenever it is convenient. I have tried to remain true to myself. It's not keeping me very warm at night but I look in the mirror every morning and like what I see.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I was off from work on Monday so I could attend the funeral for my sister's father-in-law. All my siblings were there so while it was a somber day it wasn't sad. We always enjoy getting together. I had hopes of getting the process completed and getting a few other things done that should have been done over the weekend. So I ran errands all afternoon. I still need to do laundry but that needs to wait.
Friday night I had no real plan so I started to make sauce from a jar for spaghetti when my phone rang. Lisa was passing by and wanted to drop by. I was fine with that. I shut off the stove and put everything away. I made us a snake and we processed to enjoy a cocktail while watching the Mets. It was deja vu from more than 5 years ago. We chatted until about 10. We also met for coffee in the morning after the gym.
I continue to enjoy what I have and make no attempt at changing things. Lisa will soon be my neighbor and we will see each other more than we have. But I need to keep other options open. Years ago when i tried to make things romantic with her she said I should hold on to those feelings and I've spent a considerable amount of energy trying not to expect anything. Because of this I rarely initiate anything we do together. But Sunday I changed that a little.
I was planning to get the boat out and it was a nice warm day. I had already gotten my friend Chris to go so it wouldn't be just us. So away we went and had one of my nicer boat days. Considering that it's not even the middle of May it is one of my earliest starts. I wonder if that means I can finally have the boating season I've always wanted?
Which brings me to last year. I got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn last year and that was great. But we seem to have a distance between us now that I'm pretty sure I'm more responsible for than she is. Thing is it feels to me she liked the status quo and I am starting to feel like I want something more. I wanted to make things romantic and she pushed me away. And I was pretty straight forward about it. She hasn't called me except when she needs something. But perhaps I'm doing that. I have spent time with Lisa and have told Carolyn about what I do so maybe she figured I'm not as available as I might be.
I'm not thinking I've blown anything but there is for sure a communication blockage right now. I still like to see Carolyn but it feels like she is not wanting me around. Maybe I should call her tonight. Stay tuned.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Forever Young

It appears I've completely lost all interested readers. I have zero views on my last post so I guess I really am just doing this for me.
The only news I have is that my sister's father-in-law passed away earlier this week. He was 93 so it's not as if he was so young. But it was sudden and he wasn't sick so it is a bit of a shock for them. The funeral is Monday so I'm taking a day off from the office to attend.
Howie (short for Howard) loved sailing, just like my dad and he was part of the crew my dad organized to sail to Bermuda in 1986. I was also a part of that. I got to know him fairly well during that trip. There is a picture of us at the end of that rip on the wall in my house. Of the 6 men in the picture I think only my brother Barry and I are still breathing.
I don't know what the to expect this weekend. No real plans are being made. Sunday is mother's day but since my mom is in Florida there will only be a phone call then the rest of the day will be free to do what ever I want.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Lost and Found

I received my tax refund from both the Fed and NYS. I made my deposit via ATM, because I wanted the paper check. I didn't want to give the Gov direct access to my account. I'm still a little "old school". So as I'd finished that and I headed to the office early this morning and I saw a piece of paper laying on the sidewalk that caught my eye. I almost walked past it. I picked it up and saw it was a check. Uncashed and unendorsed.  The amount was more than $2000. Who drops something like that? Well the name was a woman. It looked like it was a draw from a retirement account so I am sure it is needed. I spent more than a little time trying to return it. There is an address I can send it to and that looks to be the only method although I did a name search for an email or phone number. The Internet is so secure now that getting some one's contact information without paying some search company is near to impossible.
So I'll stop the the Post Office and get a stamp and put it in an envelope and mail it. I was curious who could be so wealthy that they could toss aside a check to that much money and not be running up and down 8th Avenue screaming. I guess since it is a bank check it theoretically can't be cashed and a new one can be cut. But I imagine that must be quite a hassle.
Not a lot of other activity to speak of. I did place a call down to mom in Florida. I hadn't spoken to her in a while so I was anxious to hear how she was. She told me she would be here in NY for Memorial Day weekend. So I am now considering having a family gathering on that Saturday. I've had them before but the last time I did that it was more work than it was worth. I felt as if no one really cared weather or not they came. I was at the picnic area early so we would have a good spot and no one would show up until 4 hours later. Last year I just had people at the boat. Maybe this year I'll do it up again.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Yuck - It's Monday already

I am 15 minutes from a meeting. I really want to add something but this will need to be very short.
I took Lisa and her sister to dinner on Friday and then Lisa and I went to see the Mets on Saturday. It was a good weekend for me. Lisa expect to close on her new co-op apartment in about 10 days. The more I think about it the more I am realizing how great it will be to have her as a neighbor. We will both own so it's like a life time friendship now. Neither one of us will be going anywhere anytime soon. I am very pleased about that even though it probably makes anything more than that pretty much impossible.
I did manage a phone call to Carolyn. She was scheduled to have her boat put into the water on Saturday and I though if she needed help I should let her know. Turns out there is a delay and it will be rescheduled. I guess what will happen is I will just show up one day and it'll just be there. We have no plans to see each other.
I did the gym on Saturday and Sunday. It wore me out a bit. I was having trouble moving off the couch on Sunday afternoon. The price I pay for skipping most of the last 2 weeks. I want to say I will go again on Tuesday but Wednesday is more likely.
I am getting ready for my meeting. Yuck. Meeting on a Monday... who wants that.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Good week so far.

Some times I think I want to start making things up just so that I can make life more interesting and then increase the number of readers I may have. I would do it but then I'd have trouble remembering truth from fiction and if I get nothing else out of this at least I can maintain a level of sincerity even if it's more than a little uninteresting.
Yesterday Lisa went to see the co-op board. It appears she will be my neighbor in the very near future. After the meeting she stopped by to tell me how it went. She looked great as she was dressed to the nines to give the best impression. At the very least I was impressed. As things are lining up she has a huge work event on Thursday that has taken almost all of her attention for the last few weeks. With the completion of that she will shift gears into closing and moving. She said to me how good she feels that she  can manage all these things and seem as if they all can work out. She said she has surprised herself. I told her I've always felt she was a mover and a shaker, but it was been quite a busy few months. I told her when she finally has some down time she may need a little R & R.
Not long after Lisa left I got a knock on the door from my neighbor Esther who could wait to give me her news. She was re-hired back to the civil service job that she liked so much. I must say it has been a good week for most everyone.  It is only Wednesday.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Looking forward to the month of May.

I am enjoying a day of working from home today. In addition to getting my work done I am getting some of my laundry done and hopefully I can get the things from winter stored away and get the summer stuff out. I guess that's all I need to say about that.
Last weekend was another in a long line of every other weekend, I spent Friday night out to dinner with Carolyn listening to how messed up her life is and me trying to say I can help but not committing to anything. I finally made a case for myself and came up empty, but then there is Carolyn talking about planning a summer trip together. Very mixed messages. Anyone with any self-respect at all would just take off and never look back.
Good news. Yesterday I heard from Lisa and her move to my co-op is back on. I pretty much figured that since no one would benefit if she was turned down for a mortgage based on the insurance documentation that the maintenance company needed to supply. She has a meeting with the co-op board tonight and then from there she should have a closing date within a week or so.
My days  now consist on work and tv and I alway hold out hope that once the weather warms there will be more fun and adventure. It's May 1. This has always been my most optimistic month. I am already planning my Memorial Day weekend. I look forward to seeing a Met game with Lisa this Saturday. And it is Cinco de Mayo. I don't know what that will bring but it is something to look forward to.