Wednesday, April 30, 2008

All alone am I

I feel so much more isolated and alone than usual today. Last night I took a ride to my favorite bar for happy hour. I walk in a see Coleen there as I had hoped. She was hanging out with Dave the plumber. I grabbed a seat on the other side of Dave. Coleen looked happy to see me and even had something to give me. Nothing big, just a calendar but I felt special. Even though Dave was next to Coleen and had her ear more than I did I was feeling good.

I was even getting text messages from Lisa for some unknown reason. When i told her I was out she called me. So I went outside and spoke to her. When I returned inside I saw the bf, Mark had arrived. So I guess Coleen and him had resolved whatever what bad over the weekend. I made the best of it and after Dave headed home to the wife and dinner we started a pool game. Coleen played me, Coleen played Mark, and then I played Mark. Mark was actually very chatty and outgoing, which is unusual for him. It would have been really okay had I not wanted to steal his girlfriend away.

So after playing pool, Coleen and Mark started their own quiet conversation and suddenly I was staring into my beer and felt like I was no longer needed. So I finished the rest of my beer and looked to head out the door. I said my goodbyes and left feeling somewhat deflated. If I had any expectations before they are gone now.

So with all the others away until late Saturday I really am feeling like I have no one to talk to right now. Even Lisa has been off-line this week. Now I am working at home so there is no chance of interacting with anyone. My only consolation is it's all temporary.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I spent last night at home feeling very anxious. I was chatting with Lisa most of the night even though she is probably the last person I should go to for guidance. She was encouraging me to call or send a text to Coleen but my little voice said I should let her deal with her own issues and not try to put myself into the mix. I figure I need to let a day pass and perhaps even 2. Although I feel the urge to stop down at the bar after work. That might work. Or am I over analysizing as I've been reminded by readers before.

This is the last day for a week of riding the train. I always look forward to the switch. For some reason I am always climbing the walls after working at home for a week. But then it's night to not have to deal with the city.

I've been thinking about my vacation a lot lately. I have so much time available I can almost take half the summer off and still have 2 weeks for fall and winter. I'm looking at Memorial Day weekend and thinking I can use some days then. Then at least 2 weeks some time in July/August.

Monday, April 28, 2008

My life is still rated G

I really wanted my weekend to last just a little bit longer. Even though my weekend had a very roller-coaster feel to it my Sunday turned out to be my best day in quite some time. Things started very slow with me pretty much spending the morning at home trying to clean. I was home through lunch and then I loaded up the car and got ready to head for the boat even though it was a cold dreary day. I figured I could at least get some cleaning done in the cabin. Who am I kidding?... I also had hopes that Coleen would find a way to stop by.

But before I'd even left my house I got a phone call from her. Even though she was with her boyfriend I could tell she was looking for something to do. I told her my plan which included going for a drink toward the end of the day. So I got my chored done by about 4:30 and made my way to the bar. I sent a text msg to Coleen and she said she'd be there. When I first walked into the bar is was quiet and only one or two people I knew. My four closest friends are away in the Dominican Republic so I settled in and chatted it up with Michelle, the bartender.

I expected Coleen to bring along the boyfriend but she arrived alone. For a few minutes I felt like all the stars were lining up for me. But there is still a ways to go. We played some pool... dumped a lot of money in the juke box and most just had a good time with all the people that we know. Eventually more and more of our friends came by. This guy Dean showed up. Coleen and him dated a few years ago but I don't think it went very far. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I was curious to see how they acted together. Didn't see anything to get jealous about. They seemed like friends.

After a few hours Coleen let it be known that she had asked Mark, the bf, to join her for a drink. When it was obvious that he was a no show I could see her feeling very frustrated. She was venting to Tony about it when I heard her mention that if she doesn't get some kind of "validation" (my word, not hers) by July 2nd she would be done and move on. I'm so glad she isn't telling me this because it would be very hard for me to be sensitive to how she feels when inside I'm saying "YES!, dump him".

So now I am looking at a calendar and thinking about how to make it through the next 2 months. I have reasons to believe it's not even going to be that long. I know it seems like this is happening at a snails pace but I really truly believe if I can be patient I can see it all happen.

So it was getting towards dinner time and Coleen said she needed to go back to Mark's to get some things. I suggested if she wanted to eat we could get something. She said maybe and she would text me and let me know. Then she gave me a big kiss on my ear. I'm not sure but I think she may have used her tongue. 

About a half hour later she sent me a text tsaying she was "very upset". I responded with "What can I do?" and she just said "I'm tired and need to go home". And that was that. What will happen now is anyone's guess but I do sense that she is still holding on to her bf. I expect it to stay this way until at least Memorial Day... but who knows. It's all really up to her now.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday blues

It's raining out which is a perfect reflection of my mood. And I had a really good day yesterday and got a good night sleep. I spent most f the day hanging out with Coleen and didn't do much else. We went shopping, then had some lunch and relaxed on the boat. It wasn't very exciting but I guess it can't always be great. I guess my day was somewhat tainted by the fact that she had plans for dinner that did not include me.And my Saturday night was quiet. I just went home and had dinner. The only bright spot was a message left on my voicemail left by Coleen.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Fear of Flying

I took Coleen out for dinner last night. It was completely unplanned. But it was so much fun. We have leftovers that we plan on having for lunch today. Out evening ended at 10:30. She just looked so good. We talked about so many things.... I feel that I am falling so hard right now. Pray that I have a soft landing

Crystal - be careful what you wish for because you just may have a boat ride in your future. But keep taking care of yourself and you never know.

Friday, April 25, 2008

What dreams may come

Friday is finally here. Not sure why but I am excited about that. I have no reason for anything to be different and yet I feel like something will change. I find myself fantasizing about opportunities that seem to be just around the corner. Or this could be one of those dreams where the more you get nearer something the farther away it seems to be.  

Last night was the first boat night of the year. God blessed me with a perfect Thursday evening of 70 plus degrees and practically no wind. It became chilly after sunset but after putting on a sweatshirt it was very comfortable. Janet was my only guest as all the others had other commitments. It was really Janet's idea anyway. For some reason she was really looking forward to evenings on the boat and was bugging me about it even a week ago. So we sat back and chatted over wine for 2 hours. It feels good to finally be outside again.

Janet, Judy, Jami and Roberta are all going to are Caribbean Saturday. They will be gone for the week. They are all kidding me that I will be spending all my time with Coleen now. And they are also probably saying the same thing to her. I am receptive to the idea. But I'll have to wait and see.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Stuck in the kitchen

One of the things about taking the train to work is it forces you to think. Whether you like it or not you will have 45 minutes with nothing to do but look out the window and let your mind wander. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it's not so good.

Today as I sat and pondered my life I was thinking about different metaphors for how I always seem to wind up in the same situation over and over. Basically I see a girl that I like I can usually become a significant part of their life, but never they way I intended. Maybe that's God looking out for me because they must not be the right one for me. But back to the metaphor. It's like I am this stray puppy that girls see and they take home, but never let out of the kitchen.

I mean I met Lisa 10 years ago and I felt this unbelievable attraction when I saw her. We became as close as anyone could but we never got past the friendship thing. It has happened more times than I can count. I can go all the way back to high school and how I held a torch for my next door neighbor, Winnie. We became close friends even after high school to the point where when she did get married I was the oldest friend she sent an invitation too for her wedding. No one from out high school was there.  Then there was Eileen ... another girl I saw from across a crowded room and ended up close enough to attend her wedding after she met the right guy who was not me. I can still remember meeting Janet more than 5 years ago and wanting to see her. Now we talk almost every day. And she calls me... but we could never  be anything but friends. She put that wall up and I will never get to climb over it.

Is this where I'm headed again with Coleen? If you read all the old entries you can see how I was when I first met her. I felt something and I know she did too. But here I am again metaphorically in the kitchen wondering if I'll ever get to be in the rest of the house. I must have some kind of irresistible quality that will only get me so far. I wish I find a way to get past this. Maybe this can be the week.

I really need to find something else to do on the train.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Making plans

I'm back at my desk in NYC. After working from home for a few days it's nice to be at the office where I can hear a buzz all around. I feel so cut off from the world at home. Now I can start the countdown to the weekend.

I saw Coleen last night briefly. I was on my way to a club meeting and saw her car in the parking lot at the bar. I was 20 minutes early so I stopped and went in. She was there with Jami. She gave me a big hello and a hug. I think she may have been there a while. The 20 minutes went by in a snap but we made tentative plans for the weekend. My mind is just spinning with plans.

May and June will be such a busy time this year. There are plans to go wine tasting and a dock party and fireworks with a picnic. Mom and Dad will visit. So much happening at once. It's a good time in my life. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

New doors

Not much happened yesterday. Worked from home and wished I could have accomplished more. I had finished mt day and was getting myself psyched to making dinner when Lisa called and said she would be in the area. At first i invited her for dinner but then we decided to just meet and have a drink.I wanted to pick up some things that I saw on sale at the store so I spent $43 then went to see Lisa and spent another $25. I have not been staying on budget at all lately. I know this is going to come back to haunt me but I have hopes for this summer and want to really prepare so I can have things set up. I'm sure that makes little sense.

I could actually feel like I was in a really good place when I went in and saw Lisa. I listened to her story about her cat getting worms and I chimed in with my cat stories. it was very relaxed and easy. Something we used to have a lot and rarely have now. She started to tell me how she has been feeling very sad and depressed mostly from her money situation. I suppressed the impulse to say I told you so and just gave her some insight from my experiances. That her diffeculty is just temporary and over time it will get better.

She really wants to change her living situation too. I would think Carmine would be more helpful there but things seem to have stagnated there. He seems to like the way things are. They spend there weekends together. I wonder if she is getting a little bored. I mean she and Carmine don't seem to do anything. They only ever eat at Italian restaurants and go home.Carmine gets seasick so he's already saying he won't go out sailing any time. So that means if Lisa goes she will be there without him. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I'll get to see Lisa alone on the other hand I doubt Lisa will make it down to the boat much, if at all. That's how it's been going lately. Less and less Lisa. I've always believed that when one door closes another one opens.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Weekend over - work begins

I'm struggling on how to continue when entry after entry is starting ot repeat. My weekend was almost exactly the same as the last 3 weekends. I was at the bar on Fri., Sat. and Sun. Each night went about the same. Go in, have a drink, see Coleen, talk to Coleen until one of us had to leave. We've gotten past the flirting thing. We talk to each other but the edge is gone. So I've decided I don't really want to talk about this anymore unless there is a new developement.

My cat Tigger did his disappearing act last Friday. He was gone for 5 hours while I was home working. I would periodically go seaching for him and he would usually be found pretty quickly. But not Friday. So I had to hop over the backyard fence and go searching through the neighbors' yards. I would call his name and then suddenly I heard a voice come from over the a hedge. "Are you looking for a cat?" Turns out Tigger have been making friends. I go around the hedge and there he is laying on the patio like he lives there. I introduce myself and met Walter, Tigger's new friend. Seems that Walter has been giving him turkey as a treat. No wonder he doesn't return home in any hurry any more. I asked him no to feed him anymore.

So of course on Sunday he goes off again and since I needed to head out and went over the fence looking for him. I wanted to run some errands and wanted him in the house before I could go. The first place I go is to Walter's but all was quiet there. Next door I see a couple there and ask if they saw a cat. They said no. So I give up and go back home. Not 10 minutes later there is Tigger at the door crying to come in. I think "good, now I'll go to the store". I put him inside grab my keys and head to the car and on the way I meet the same neighbors. They had seen Tigger and actually were trying to get him for me. I thanked them and said they didn't need to do that. Tigger knows the way home I just wanted to go out. They introduced themselves and the wife name was ... get this ... Colleen.

So as I am writing this Tigger has been gone about an hour and a half and he just now came back. I guess with the weather getting nicer he will go for walks and we will figure out how long that takes. Right now he is here purring away. If it weren't for him I'd never have to worry. But that's part of being a pet owner.

Friday, April 18, 2008

It is a beautiful day in NY

The sun is out. The temp is about 70. I am working outside on my patio. What could be better than that? I even hooked my iPod up to some speakers for music.

I've had a very diffecult last couple of days at work. Some programs have not worked as expected. I'm dealing with it but my progress has come to a stop. I wish I knew how to make things work in a less complex way. Hopefully I'll get my code fixed by lunch.

Meanwhile, I had a decent dinner at Lisa's last night. She just made a simple pasta dinner. We polished off 2 bottles of wine. Lisa managed to spill red wine all over her brand new pants. We had to rinse it in the sink and I think we got out any stain. Then she spilled again on her couch. It was a tough night for her. Lucky it was me who had to drive home and not her.

On the way there I got a cell phone call from Janet. She was wondering if we could have boat drinks last night and I would have had I not already been half way to Lisa's. Maybe next week. Or even tonight. Rumor has it the tiki bar is open tonight so I'll be outdoors. Maybe it's time to get the camera going. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A not so eventful day

I've been told I need to change my focus. So this entry will be my attempt at changing topics. Tomorrow I plan to have dinner with Lisa. I never see her anymore. Seems like it's her choice but I figure it'll be nice to see someone who is now a little outside the circle. Maybe with the change in weather I can change that dynamic too.

Last week I reached out to Tracy and she was supposed to call me last weekend but she never did. Don't know if I want to even bother with her. My little voice says she's just not really what I want. It would be to just say I did.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A Simple Weekday Entry

So much more to write about from the weekend than during the week. Yesterday was pretty much get up, go to work, go home, eat dinner, watch tv and go to bed. We all need those days just so we can let go of the anxiety created from the weekend. And all that is self-induced. I know that now because I spoke at length with Roberta last night.

Our conversation revolved around me and how I am handling myself with Coleen. She and I have had previous conversations before so I was really looking for some feedback from someone who can see the situation up close. She knows all the players so she has really good insight. Her view is that it's better if I just maintain some distance and let Coleen's situation with Mark play out. In her view they are coming to a point where is't been 2 years and if there is to be anything long term Mark needs to commit to Coleen and Roberta says that just looks unlikely. It's everything that I've been seeing since I got involved with Coleen. So it was reassuring that I haven't overstepped my limits.

So here is what we both see ... Coleen just turned 41 and has been divorced from her first husband about 5 years. Mark is almost 50 and his marriage ended badly. His first wife cheated on him and got pregnant. He has 3 grown childen with her. He has told Coleen he has no desire to have any more. Coleen wants to be a mom but doesn't feel she has to be. Like me she is looking at time tick by. So they have been in a committed relationship for 2 years so she has quite a bit of emotional energy wrapped up in this. She spends weekends and several nights a week there and probably cooks all the dinners. But as far as I know Mark has never taken her away on any of his trips and he takes several a year including a trip to the Bahamas just last month. Alls she really wants is a long weekend away and Mark absolutely refuses. Then there was a serious discussion she had with him about their future only last Saturday. He just stared at the tv.

I was wondering why she is suddenly pushing the issue. Could it be she sees me as a possibility and while she would prefer a future with Mark if that's not there she has thoughts of moving on because I can offer her the things Mark won't? This was why I wanted to see what Roberta thought. She said that may be exactly what's going on and the best thing for me to do is to be patient and just be myself.

As the weather warms I will get a better understanding of how much I am in Coleen's head. We will soon start going to different places and if she wants to be part of what I do she will need to make those choices. I only started going into the bar aftyer it got cold and now that it's Spring the tiki bar will be open, we can start using the boat again and soon it will be beach weather again. And she is already getting sick of sitting around with Mark staring at the tv.

There are my Tuesday thoughts. My goal just like last week is to try to stop thinking so obsessively and to stay focussed on keeping things real.

Monday, April 14, 2008

More confusion on Sunday

Sunday morning I dragged my sorry butt out of bed nice and early. I wanted to be at the boat by 10 because Coleen said she would be sure to stop down. When I got there I opened up things and realized that it was really cold... about 50 degrees. Now what? I read the paper and snoozed for about an hour before i finally decided to do something constructive. It was too cold to polish so I figured it was time to get the engine started. Before I could do that I had to fix a fuel line problem so I set about that. I had hesitated doing that becuase it's a dirty messy job. But I started to doubt that Coleen was going to stop down and I figured what the heck. Wouldn't you know half was into it my phone rings and ither her. She was checking to see if I was there. So I get things tidy again and invite her on to the boat. She got chilly but she came about and we sat and chatted for an hour.

Looking back I think it would have been a good opportunity for me to say some things to her but I didn't. We did talk about her and Mark though. She really wants ring. I just shut up and listened. After an hour she was hungry but she wanted to stop at Mark's first to let the dog out. I was going to follow her and then see about lunch but I changed my mind. She eventually found Mark and I told them to have a good lunch and I'll be in the bar later in the afternoon.

Even though I had considered myself done for the day I went back to fixing my engine and in about 2 hours I was dirty again but I had the engine humming. Winter is officially over. I felt really good about that. At least I got something accomplished  this day. Just before I had the engine started my phone rang... it was Coleen from the bar wondering when I would be stopping down.

When I got cleaned up ... best as I could ... I reeked of diesel fuel. I headed for the bar which I hoped would only be for a little while. I walk in and it's fairly quiet. Coleen and Mark were still there having their lunch at the bar. The only empty place was next to Mark so I sat down and tried to make small talk. Mark doesn't seem to ever say much. So I was talking to him and Coleen but it felt very tense. I was so happy to see Jami come in just so that I could talk to someone else. 

It was very strange. Coleen and Mark were being very cozy. Actually it was more Coleen than Mark. Almost as if it was for my benefit. Except I didn't see it until later after I'd thought about it. Maybe they worked through their problems in the 2 hours since she had left me at the boat. Either way she was being the girlfriend.

So I'm just trying to get a grip and move on. I'm trying to focus on the good things and glad I didn't just sit around and mope. If something is going to happen it will come to me at some point.

I'm so confused about Saturday

This journal is fast becoming all about Coleen. I am afraid that I'm starting to obsess about her and my little voice says to stop. I really want to but I'm not really sure if it's just me. So here is what happened this weekend... then I want to let it go.

Friday night I just felt really cranky and I was looking at the too few dollars in my pocket and decided I needed to spend some me time at home. I did get a call from Janet who was wondering why I hadn't gone out. Even that didn't get me interesting in heading out but I did feel bad about that. So I promised I'd call her Saturday afternoon. There was a time I would obsess on Janet just as I feel I'm doing with Coleen now. It amazes me how I've gotten over that.

I spent Saturday on the boat trying knock a few items off my maintenance list that seems to go on forever. I spent most of my day polishing. That's a long tedious job that leaves me tired, sore and dirty. At the end of that I called Janet with no real plan in mind. She was just getting done with her day. She had been out looking at things for the kitchen that is being renovated and right now is completely ripped out. She invited me over fo a glass of wine and for me to see how it looked. So I changed into some clean comfortable clothes... a pair of running pants and a t-shirt. We ended up having dinner out at our favorite Italian restaurant.

We grabbed seats at the bar section of the restaurant because my cousin's 24 year old daughter Erin was guest bartending. I hadn't seen or heard from Coleen all day and I wasn't even thinking about her when suddenly my cell phone springs to life with a text message. This would have been at about 6:30 on Saturday night. Janet was amusing herself talking to some of her friends so I had no problem texting back and forth with Coleen for the next hour. Here's our conversation ... hope it's not too boring

Coleen: Whats up? 

Me:Stangos 4 dinner

Coleen: Who with? 

Me: Janet, eric and sheban

Coleen: Do not know them 

Me: Where r u?

Coleen: At marks

Me: Is there a plan?

Coleen:No plan

Me:Gates later is my plan

Coleen: What time?

Me: About an hour

Coleen: 8-05 at Ciros pizza

Me: Come to the bar after

Coleen: 4 1 only

That's it. Then she called me while she was out. She went without Mark for reasons that still aren't clear to me. But she said she was just eating and going back to Mark's. All this is going on while I'm having dinner with Janet so I'm telling her all this. I looked at my friend Janet and asked "what do you make of this?" She was no help. Somewhere in my conversation with Coleen I must have mentioned I'd be on the boat on Sunday. She said she would love to stop down.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Home on a Friday night

Yes. I am staying in. For a multitude of reasons. I don't feel well. I am also down to $30 so if I went out that would be it for the weekend. I also have to be up early tomorrow to get my taxes and mail them out. I probably missed out on seeing Coleen but the way things are I'm feeling better off. Friday night is her time to see her BF and I would be lucky to see her for 5 minutes.

So here I am sipping on a beer watching the Mets. I did get a call from Janet asking where I was. There was a time when I would respond to that by jumping into my car and heading for the bar. But I am firmly entrenched into the "friend-zone" with Janet.

So I feel a need to be just relaxing on my Friday night.Hopefully I won't come to regret this.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Things are what they are.

I was riding home on the train yesterday afternoon listening to my iPod and falling asleep when my vibrating cell phone suddenly jerked me out of my slumber. It was a text message from Coleen. She just asked me if I was on the train. As always I look at this in the best possible way. She is just thinking of me or is something up? I would want this to lead to something but so far when she has texted me at the end of the day it's just been her just saying hi. So I play the game and ask what's up. She was at the bar. I get off the train in 10 minutes so we talked on the phone. I was inclined to go join her but she said she was leaving soon to go meet Mark - the BF.

So what's with that? Is this her version of catch and release? She gets me interested and then wriggles free. This is so frustrating. One the one hand I'm really happy to hear from  her but on the other I get to find out she will be with Mark tonight. This is really starting to get old. I'm starting to consider taking a weekend off.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

It's all about the cash

Budgets really suck. I'm looking at my situation for this weekend and it's going to be tight. I have $132 balance and there is a $65 check still out there somewhere. That leaves me with $57 but ATMs only let me get denominations of $20. But I do need to go to the allergy doc. That is a $15 check. So as near as I can tell I could wind up with $40 for the weekend. That would mean I can only go out one night. I guess Friday will be it for me. How many times have I said that?

Whenever I am in dire straights like this it always means there will be opportunities that I will have to bypass. At least working at getting the boat in shape costs me only time and sweat. And it was fun to see some friends come down and visit last weekend, especially when Coleen made her all too brief appearance. I'll get some wine on board and some munchies. At least I can charge that. It won't be long before I can make that happen regularly even if it is just me.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Taking time to breathe

It's day 2 of the working week and it is certainly much less drama. And yet I miss it. What would I do without the drama? I am starting to want and expect things. How will it be if things suddenly stop and I'm back to haveing no prospects? Maybe it's better to have the possibility of a relationship than to have the relationship itself. It certainly seems to be way more interesting.

Is it too early to start planning next weekend? At this time there is nothing to speak of. I'm also looking at a weekend where I don't get paid until the following week. A week from today in fact. I currently have about $60. So there will be a limit to what I can do. I hope the weather is good so I can spend a lot of time getting the boat ready for summer. That doesn't cost much and should keep me busy.

I have this feeling that things will step back a little with Coleen. I know she is still trying to make things work with her boyfriend and I doubt she could change gears from him to me that fast. Where is my therapist when I need one?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Sunday was a good day.

So things started somewhat damp and cold on Sunday morning. I knew that anyone who might want to come by the boat to enjoy the nice day would probably bail. First I heard from Lisa who said that since it was cold she would just stay home. Fine. I was already on the boat working. I figured I would probably get more done without her anyway. Next I heard from Coleen. I figured she wouldn't go back to the bar on Saturday night and I was right. She spoke to her brother and then went home. I had suspected she had also tried to see Mark, her BF. Shen didn't mention that but she did say she was to have lunch with him and help him with his new kitchen stuff.

You know it feels very much to me like they are less and less a couple all the time. Coleen told me that they had plnned to spend the afternoon together. Like a date she said. So if I went to the bar I would not be expecting to see her. I finished my chores on the boat and went there anyway. So imaging my shock when I see Coleen come through the door about 30 minutes after I get there. So my plan to stay just an hour goes out the window and settle in for a nice afternoon chatting it up with her. She kept looking at her cell phone and saying "I'm done". So as afternoon turned into evening she said wouldn't it be great to have Indian food again. I said "let's go". So we did. As we did before we had a great dinner. But she is still committed to her relationship - at least for the this evening.

I wonder if she tells him that we have dinner. I wonder if she looks at me with possibilities. Roberta thinks she does. She did say she knows that I would like to be her boyfriend... at first I faked surprise but then said I can't believe I would even try to hide that. So it's kind of out there. But I got nothing from her. I'm not ready for that conversation. If it's going to happen it obvious to her that I'm already in with both feet.

My night ended on a good note. Just us saying we would talk during the week and see each other soon. I really like where this is going right now. But it's so complicated and I imagine it could get even more complicated.

Monday perspective

Yes, now I can write something that may actually make sense. I had myself quite a weekend. Let me start with Friday. If you read all thew entries already then you know that I went to the wine tasting dinner. My evening started at the bar first as dinner wasn't until 7 and I got into town at 5:30. My hope was to see Coleen beforehand but she did a no-show. Perhaps I could have told her I'd be that but since I knew I'd be leaving I figured I would just go and see what happens. So Friday was some what of a bust.

So Saturday was to be a big work day on the boat. I wanted to get quite a bit done and I have mentioned to everyone that I would love a visit and I would have wine on hand. Lisa had said she would for sure be therew to help. So at noon I set about doing my work and of course it was just me. For the next 4 hours I washed and polished as much of the topsides as I could. I got tired and started to think about heading home. Never even heard from Lisa. But then my phone rang and it was Roberta who was about to swing by. So I quickly set up the cockpit with cushions and the weather was actually getting nicer. It was still warm and sunny and the breeze actually stopped. So Roberta came down and we sat back and started to talk when I looked up towards the parking lot and who do I see but Coleen.

She was standing at the fence overlooking the marina and I looked at Roberta and said "let's get out the wine." I waved to Coleen to come on down and she walked down and said she couldn't stay because she was just passing by and had her parents in the car. But she said she would either stop down or call me. It was a thrill to me. She also said that she had stayed in on Friday. I guess she figured since we all had dinner plans she had no reason to come out. I guess I would have done the same thing. So she left and Roberta said "let's open the wine anyway". And then we proceded to talk about what seems to be going on with me and Coleen. Roberta seems to think we will get together at some point this summer. She is more sure of it than I am. I'm still sceptical.

So we shared a glass of wine and then she left. she had dinner plans that did not include me. I held out for about an hour before I got a call from Lisa. She and Carmine were having dinner and wanted to stop by. So I got out the wine again and hung out with them for a while. Lisa swore she would come by and help me on Sunday... she didn't. Enough about Lisa. Sheand Carmine left after a little while and rather than go home I headed for the Bar. I walk in the there is Coleen near the door at the opppsite end of the bar from everone else. She was talking to an older man - like 80 years older - and I said hello. Coleen looked good. She had changed her outfit since earlier in the afternoon. I needed to say hello to everone but I quickly returned to where Coleen was. She explained that she needed to be by the door because she was feeling warm and the open door was more comfortable. Eventually Paul left and it was just us and you should have seen them at the other end of the bar checking us out.

But I was tired and she needed to see her brother about something and even though she said she would be back when she left so did I. It wasn't even 9 o'clock.

That was Saturday. I'll need to do Sunday in another entry.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

What happens next

I'm such a coward. I had dinner tonight with Coleen. I failed to be confrontational. She is still with her boyfriend although she sounds less and less committed every time we get together. The weather was cold so there was no meeting on the boat so we met at the bat instead.

It's late and I'm tired do more details will have to wait until tomorrow.

Saturday, April 5, 2008


I know I put in an entry earlier today but I think today is worth another entry. I went to the boat at around noon to do my spring preparation.

So I had a conversation about my day with one of my favorite bog friends and told her about my day and it has so much more detail than I could do again so rewad it and enjoy;

mikeg516: I've had the most interesting day
oh hows that?
mikeg516: so last night's wine tasting was good but I've been suffering from an all day hangover
mikeg516: I spent the dat getting the boat clean
damn I hate hangovers  
mikeg516: it involves lots of polishing in the hot sun
oh no I bet that kinda sucked  
mikeg516: actually it's a lobor of love
mikeg516: I worked alone for 4 houres
mikeg516: I'm on the boat ready to quit for the day and my cell rings - it's Roberta ... Roberta is great but not a girl I can date
mikeg516: but she comes down to the boat and I wanted company
mikeg516: so she stops down and says hello .
mikeg516: She sits down and not 5 minutes after she gets there who do I see in the parking lot, but Coleen ... wow - when it rains it pours
mikeg516: but wait there is more
mikeg516: Coleen is just stopping by to say hello - she has her parents in the car - they are like 80 sonething years old
lol I like that when it rains it pours  
mikeg516: yea - I cant just have one thing at a time
mikeg516: so i don't know what Coleen thought when she saw Roberta either
so she didn't stay long only dropped in to say hi?   
mikeg516: like it wasn't a date but she doesn't know that
mikeg516: there's so m,uch more\
mikeg516: so Coleen leaves but says she will stop down later of call ... she didnt do either but I found her later
did she say anything about it  
mikeg516: so Coleen leaves and I hang with Roberta for an hour then she leaves too
mikeg516: and wait there's more
mikeg516: I cleaned up and i was about to go ... must have been about 5:30 \
mikeg516: and I see Lisa and Carmine coming down the boat ramp
mikeg516: More wine and another hour goes by
mikeg516: I finally leave about 6:30 and I go to the bar
mikeg516: I see Coleen there
mikeg516: She was talking to an older guy ... I wont say how old but he is for sure on social security
mikeg516: and I sat and we had casual converstopm
mikeg516: have I started ot bore you yet?
no not at all  
I was just waiting to see what was going on  
mikeg516: realize it is 10 o'clock and I'm home so this is not a story of great success but still not failure either
mikeg516: \so anyway
mikeg516: what is Coleen? doing w/o her boyfriend on Saturday night
so did she look like she was jealous or anything when she saw u with her ?  
mikeg516: she was trying to get him on the phone and he wasn't pivking up
mikeg516: what she saw me on the boat with Roberta?
maybe I'm getting it mixed up alil lol  
mikeg516: Roberta said she looked a little confused
mikeg516: oh no
mikeg516: it was an awkward moment

Saturday Pt 2

mikeg516: though not so much for me
I wish I could just talk to her for u lol just stright out with it lol and she would say yes ... wouldn't that be so much easier lol but I'm playing  
mikeg516: I mean Coleen could see us on the boat from her car and wasn't coming down right away but I waved her down and made it seem okay
oh ok  
mikeg516: oh - I'm getting therre
mikeg516: so anyway
mikeg516: Coleen is trying to get her boyfriend o the fone and he wasn't pivking up
mikeg516: and I was making a joke of it trying to realise some tension
mikeg516: and you won't beleive what I said...
mikeg516: "thank God I'm not him"
mikeg516: she said "you wish you were hime" and I was like "Yeah, I can't beleive I just said that"
oh no ...
mikeg516: so I'm not sure what happened but she was breaking up with him
mikeg516: at least she seemed to be
mikeg516: while I'm standing there ....
if so I would say try talking to her .. but I duno how u would feel about that  
mikeg516: so she left at about 8 and she said she would be back but I said I would need to go by 9
mikeg516: I had a feeling she was going to be dealing with it way late and I was getting so tired
mikeg516: I wanted to stay and wait but you know what ... when I say I'm leaving at 9 I leave at 9
you should text her and ask if everything is ok  
see what she says  
mikeg516: oh - I did that
mikeg516: no response
oh what she say  
maybe she is busy fighting with him or something ....  
I mean if that is what was going on  
mikeg516: we said we could get together on the boat tomorrow - I'll be there all day
u said that to her ?  
mikeg516: that's what I figure
mikeg516: what did I say ... let me look
mikeg516: I said "Gotta go home. Hope to see you tomorrow"

Wine tasting dinner pictures

I've only got a few minutes so this will be a short entry. Last night I was the only male at a talbe with 10 women. Almost all of them are married or just friends, like Roberta, Janet, Jami and Judy. I still enjoyed myself. Got home late though and now I'll be behind all day.

oh, and I never saw or heard from Coleen yesterday. She never made an appearance at the bar. Not sure why and I wasn't really going to ask. I'm sure I'm not the reason.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Friday on my mind

Tonight starts the weekend. I have a wine tasting and dinner to go to. I've been to these before and they are always fun even if I do end up having a little more than I should. The rest of the weekend shapes up to be fairly quiet. I know I'll see Janet and Roberta but don't know who else. Probably see Coleen beforehand although I know I need to move away from that soon.

Yesterday I rode home on the train with my friend Mariana. I know her since I started at work 15 years ago. That would make her one of my oldest friends. She's been married for about 6 years. Anyway I told her about Coleen and she gave me some very sobering advice. She said that I really need to put forth my position and see if there really is any chance that we could have a real date. She said so it in a way that allows us to be friends no matter what but ask her if she does like me in a sexual way. This is something that I've never done with someone who was unattached never mind someone who appears to really want someone else. I'm not sure I can put myself out there like that even though I know she is right. We talked about it a little and what she suggested was to just tell her without asking for any action from her. Just to let her know that I have intentions. Most of all she said do not use the word "love" as it would be way too scary for her to hear.

It was good for her to say to me. I'll look for an opportunity to make a statement but most likely it won't happen for a while. I hate the idea of asking a question when the answer isn't already obvious.  

It would be nice if I had an advocate who know her and can feel her out a little but I'm alone on an island on this one.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I just realised I hadn't put anything in today

It's late but I need to add something about my day. A day that had so little but can mean so much. Out of nowhere Lisa says she will be in my neighborhood tonight and she can stop by if I'm up for that. Of course it's okay. A nice treat to have Lisa hang out. So we watched the Office together.

So it gave me the chance to clean up my house a bit. I just straighted up and my house looks a little better. Almost good enough to give me some pride.

I swear to God, not 30 seconds before Lisa walked through the door Coleen sent me a text message. And the text message said absolutely nothing. So I ignored it. Normally I would have sent back something but Lisa was walking though the door and I just put the phone down and forgot about it.

So Lisa's visit was pretty uneventful. We just drank a bottle of wine and watched tv. Basic Lisa stuff.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Nothing new to report

I've been fighting the urge to send a cell phone text message to Coleen. I don't even know what the proper thing to do is because I don't really know where I stand with her. I'll bet she wants to hear from me but it's probably better if I don't seem too over anxious. I'm also looking at my checking account balance and realize I'm on a tight budget these next 2 weekends. I bought a monthly train ticket this month rather than the weekly tickets I'd been getting. It's about the same money but it's all at once. So I'll need to be careful. Maybe I need to lay low a little anyway.

My friend Janet is having her kitchen redone starting today. Since she has no place to cook I'll be curious to see how she does making meals. It would be nice if I could have her over for dinner at least once. That's another reason for me to get my house in order.

I had a long IM with Lisa last night. She is all fixated on her bad financial state. Compared to her I'm almost wealthy. But she sounds like she is beginning to recover. Maybe that's a byproduct of us never seeing each other anymore. She may come down and visit me while I work on the boat this weekend. That could be fun especially if it's a nice day. More to look forward to.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Another day

Not much has transpired since yesterday. I realize I haven't really mentioned my dad in a while. In January my dad was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his colon. At first he didn't want any treatment and wanted to just live out the rest of his life as best he could, which may have been as short as 3 months.. The doctor convinced him that a chemo treatment could prolong his life by at least a year. He has had three treatments with minimal side effects and seems to be doing fine. My mom decided we don't need weekly conference calls to discuss his condition. I spoke to him last Friday and he sounded really good and he and my mom are planning to come up north over the summer. I still need to book a trip for sometime in May. I just wish I knew what to do with Tigger, my cat while I would be away.

Life is full of peaks and valleys and I get so focused on my own crap I can easily forget just how easy I really have it. Even though I don't have anyone special I can call girlfriend or wife I do feel loved. There are so many people who care about me I can actually pick and chose those who I spend my time and energy on. I need to get some order in my life and just reduce the clutter. Getting off my ass is a priority. I will clean my kitchen tonight and tomorrow. My goal is to have a dinner with any of my friends who will come.