Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Got a phone call from Janet last night that I missed. She wants to plan tonight. I know I need to get up early for my flight out on Saturday and my little voice says stay home but I'm still considering going.
I had lunch with Mariana today. She is the nicest, sweetest girl. But, she is married. I've known her for the longest time and when she was single she wouldn't go out on a date so of course I tell myself just to relax. But I really like her alot. She is one of those girls that just get me every time I see them.
Monday, January 23, 2006
I might take this journal in a new direction. I am tired of obsessing on my failures and defficeincies. I want to find another way for me to write and not focus on what I can't have. I just don't know what that might be. My interactions with people have been limited. Last Friday night I joined Janet and Roberta for drinks at the usual Friday night place. It was fun but there were moments where I wanted to be somewhere - anywhere else. I wanted to here some music but nothing was there. So when I left it was good night to Janet knowing I wouldn't speak to her for the rest of the weekend.
Saturday night I was comfortably home with no plans to go anywhere. At 10 o'clock Lisa called. She was out with her friend Paul. I don't know who that is but she didn't stay out with him as she was calling me out for a drink. I just went to her house ... she got hungry and we made a trip to Taco Bell's. We sat and drank wine. Didn't really talk much. I went home at one.
So I need to take things in a new direction. I may think on that for a day or two. I'm considering talking about whatever music is in my head. Last Thursday I went to buy the new Johnny Cash Greatest Hits cd and of course bought 4 other cd's while I was at it. I got the new Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young and Leann Rimes. I also got a dico compilation cd. Tried to listen to them over the weekend but so far only Johnny and Neil made it to my cd player.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Not much is new. Last weekend I saw Janet on Friday night and Saturday night. Friday night she called me and on Saturday night I called her. When she called me I was having happy hour in New York with Tracy, Joe, Tracy's brother Brian and her friend Mike. I shut my cell phone off and since we were only to be out until about 7 I didn't see any reason to keep it on. I didn't expect to hear from anyone. Joe had a car so when we finally were heading out of the City I heard her message. I played very hard to get... I told her I'd be there by nine. We met at the regular Friday night place... the Italian Restaurant bar.
So I got there and Janet was keeping company with some guys I was familiar with but didn't know. I had something to eat and got comfortable. After about an hour I had a one-on-one chat with Janet. She asked me about Lisa ... she thinks Lisa should be my girlfriend. I told her about Lisa's married boyfriend. Janet told me, "I have one of those." Great, another girl with a dirty little secret. She said they really only just get together for sex. T-M-I. We moved on to other topics and even went to another place later and had a pretty good time. But it really reinforced my feeling that I am just replicating Lisa in Janet. They both seem to want me around as a friend only even though they both know I would really like to have something more.
So what do I do on Saturday night? I call Janet out for drinks. Well.... she did come out even though she was happy just being home.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Been unable to come up with anything good to say. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Monday. So bad that I couldn't get to sleep and stayed up until 2. Still got up and went to work but I was real tired. Wouldn't you know the work that day was chaos. By the middle of the day I was just angry at every one. I got an email from Lisa and I just went off on her not being able to talk to me as much because of her new job. She stopped by Tuesday night and we chatted over some wine. I felt less lonely and when she left I had the best night's sleep in more than a month.
Also heard from Janet on Tuesday although only in an email. Don't know what's up there except I don't look at it the same way. Just something to do with no more thoughts of trying to work out a date or anything.
Dealing with the fact that I am truly going through this life alone is hard. I never want to give up but I think it's what my future is. I find it hard to imagine anyone ever falling for me.
My focus lately has been on maing it to spring. Only 86 more days until I can consider it safe to go sailing. I am really looking forward to this summer. My last summer in my "40's". I want to plan a cruise on the boat but no one to cruise with. At least no one I want to cruise with. So I dream and pray for something good.
Monday, January 9, 2006
Been at this blog thing for months and the only thing that's changed is I can write a little better. My status hasn't changed with any one. A quick review.
Lisa and I had one all too brief moment. After that she stayed away from me for 10 days and was more than a little freaked out for over a month. Eventually we settled back into our regular routine. I'll probably never get up the nerve to seduce her again. I'll never stop wanting her.
Janet has repeated to me her desire to stay friends and although I see her more and more there has never been even a hint of romance between us. When I started this journal I hadn't seen her for months and I was amazed how I saw more of her as time went on. She was including me in so much of her life. Her kids seem to like me when I'm around. But our routine has pretty much settled in to being friends and when I've tried to talk about it I either stumble and fall of she bolts.
Tracy was a possibility but thing stalled when she had her knee operated on and there were complications that have kept us apart since then. I've been warned by my friend Joe that Tracy is more nuerotic than most I would be best served keeping my distance. I do think she is fun but so far I've taken his advice.
Carolyn is probably the only one I was actually close to have a sex with since I started this. She seemed to be very attracted to me and we were getting very touchy feely the one time I was on the boat with her. Her revealing that she in fact wasn't seperated but still married was a deal breaker so I stopped before things got too complex. I see her just wanting a fling. I'll see what happens in the Spring. Maybe she will have changed her situation.
Ami is someone who I really like but my shyness has definately kept me from doing anything. That and money. I am so attracted to her and I felt her checking me out a little when we last went for drinks with Steve and his friends. I told Steve I liked her and he told me she is involved with someone so I never called. I wonder if he just doesn't want me to see her for some reason. He always comes on very strong to her even though it's harmless fun. I don't feel confident enough to call her even though I have her number.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
I've been home all weekend. I've been home every night since New Years as a matter of fact. I don't want to go anywhere. That's not really true. I've been fighting the urge to call Janet. But I can't. I want a girlfriend and she's is never going to be that. I still like her friendship and I know I'll get back to that but I need to take a break. I'll take that one week at a time. Problem is that leaves me a little lost.
Joe had a party scheduled for Saturday so I thought I could stay in on Friday night for a change. I had Saturday plans so why go out on Friday. Joe's party got cancelled so I end up doing nothing. Spent Sunday at home watching football.
Lisa was working all weekend.... we did have a couple of phone conversations. Her job leaves her no time for anything else. It almost seems as though they do this to her by design. The yoga center brings her much joy and she really is doing what she wants there but they do seem to have many "cult" like elements. It's a job that ties her up from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep at least 6 days a week. Sunday is her only day off and this weekend she had a "master" breakfast which took until 2 in the afternoon. Then she went to a family function. She called to complain that she can't get her laundry done. I told her that it's her schedule and she can change it if she wants. She said it's not that simple. Right. She is giving all power to the Dahn Center people. It's almost as bad as my ex-wife relationship with a fortune teller. She calls me during the week but it's always on the sly. Like she is cheating by making a personal call.
Lisa bought a new used car last week and on Wednesday night I gave her a ride to pick it up. On the way there she got a cell phone call from one of her "men". I didn't ask who it was but it could only be either Tom or Powell. Both are married. Lisa didn't give me a clue as to who it was but she said goodbye by saying "I love you". I decided not to even ask. But it made me feel bad. The only way she can have a relationship is with someone who already has a wife. I have no idea when she sees these guys if ever.
So in the last ten days or so I've been thinking how I can't make anything happen with any women I have in my life. I keep looking forward to summer and how I want to take a trip on the boat. The only one I would want to be with for that kind of trip is Lisa but she won't do it. At least she might go for an overnight which is more than I think Janet would ever do. No one would ever do the kind on over night I really want.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
Posted some pictures I took during New Years Eve. I have stories to tell.
So I was there with Janet. I went to her house and we drove to the party together in my car. It felt like a date. I was thrilled.
The first picture is of Janet and Sharon. Sharon is younger.... I'll guess 20 something. She makes and sells her own jewelry. I first met her at the Zen Tricksters show at Morgans Beach. She looked and talked like every "Deadhead" I'd ever met. I've been infatuated by her ever since. As always she came to New Years looking like something right out of Woodstock. She still doesn't even know my name.
Then there is a picture of Heather. I started shatting with her and we got into this deep conversation about her career and music and age. She told me she was 24 and I knew I was way too old to be spending time chatting with her. But I did think she was cute and our conversation was amazing. What really surprised me was she was constantly around me. She came with a date but he must have been ignoring her. We were talking and I noticed that the food buffet had started and I excused myself to get some food. I found Janet and Sue eating at a table and sat down and joined them and then Heather came a sat with us too. So here I was next to what I was hoping was my date, Janet, and this new girl, Heather was on my other side. She obviously wanted to continue our talk but I wanted to spend time with Janet.
Looking back I wish I had gone more with that. Once again I'm never prepared for what happens. I keep thinking that 24 is just not an age I can relate to but I am hoping to meet her again.
Then there is Sue B. She gave me her email address because I took a picture of her boyfriend passed out at a table in the back. Obviously he over celebrated. His friend wasn't doing so well either. So I promised to send her a picture of it and I also took a picture of her with another guy. Later I look and I see her near the door with the other guy making out. So the passed out guy misses his girl sucking face. I guess he got what he deserved. Of course she isn't the best girl friend. Last I saw Sue's new friend had left and she was doing her best to get passed out guy into a cab. So she's not all bad.
Midnight came and Janet gave me a "friendly" kiss on the side of my face. Nothing romantic in any way. We stayed until last call and around 2 o'clock I grabbed our coats and we headed for home in my car. We got to her driveway and I shut off the car but I knew I wasn't getting in. I think she had her door open before I'd even stopped. I said I'd call her tomorrow and she said a quick goodnight and sent me on my way.
I had fun. I met some nice people. I'm not sad or disappointed. But I do feel as lonely as ever. I called Janet the next day and tried to ask her out but she said she couldn't do it. By then I'd pretty much expected that. I'll have to satisfied as friends.
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
My New Year's Eve had some expectations but as always I didn't really get any satisfaction. I'm not really complaining as I knew what I was doing was probably out of reach. But when I got to Janet's house my impression was that we were a group of 4 going to a party. Instead I got there and it was just Janet and I. My brain started to pop and click and like the idiot that I am I was looking to make this into something more intimate than it really was.