Thursday, December 29, 2005

All is quiet this week

Lisa went away to Arizona until Saturday. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day until she comes back. It means getting up early and getting home from work late. I think I see her cats now more than I see her. It's a trade off since she has always been there to feed my guys.

No emails from Janet this week. I have the urge to send her something but I don't really have much to say. I've pretty much decided that I won't see her until New Years but if she reaches out to me of course I'll probably be there - where ever that might be.

Before Lisa left we had a discussion about how my relationship with Janet is evolving. She said it sounds very much like the same kind of friendship the I have with her... like it's a pattern repeating itself. That's something I already knew. I keep thinking back to Carolyn and how she was so up front sexually and how I felt all I needed to do was create the right time and place to get her. And I still might but I think my life is better off not getting involved with someone who is still part of a marriage even if she insists she is leaving.

One of the things that bothers me most is how I never been able to make someone fall in love with me. They either love me or they don't. I also am thinking that after knowing Janet for more than 2 years the only way I can change the dynamics of what we have will need to be talked about and not just suddenly appear. So I have been thinking how to have that kind of conversation without seeming too desperate. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas with Janet or stupid is what stupid does

So I arrive at Janet's and her kids had already gone to their father's for Christmas dinner so we are alone. I feel really awkward. Janet doesn't give me the warm and fuzzy feeling I just left. My thoughts are still there. You think this was part of Lisa's plan? If it was, it worked. So we sat and relaxed with a glass of wine. She opened my present to her. She was pleasant although not really very enthusiastic. My mind was still on Lisa. Dammit. I spent the entire evening trying to get that feeling from Janet that Lisa gave me and I couldn't. And Janet is tremendously hot. We went to a restuarant with her mom and her brother Bill's family. They all made feel very welcome and comfortable.

During dinner my cell rings and I let it go to voicemail. It was Lisa. She makes me crazy. I was just starting to purge her out of my mind. I didn't listen to the message. But I knew it was there.

After dinner I went with Janet back to her house ... kids due back any minute. But we shared some more wine. I guess we will always be able to do that. As soon as we sit down Janet decides to call Suzy. Obviously not wanting to have to have an intimate moment with me. And of course I'm feeling awkward. Because I'm alone with a beautiful woman and don't have any signals that say "make a move". When the kids get there it's almost a relief as I was getting more and more tense. I think we both felt it.

So after an hour or so I decide it's best if I head home .... it was 9:30. I was really thinking I could still see Lisa before it was too late. Yes - she was still in my head and I hadn't heard what the message said. Anxious to hear it I said goodnight and gave Janet a kiss and said I would call tomorrow.

Listened to the message. Lisa just said to call. So I called her house. I seemed to have awakened her. She was sleeping.... probably from drinking too much at Ellen's. I told her to go back to sleep. Of course my brain thinks the possibility that she made a booty call to Tom and they were together in bed. I resisted the urge to do a drive by. Now I wanted to go back to Janet's. Couldn't do that. So home I went, feeling really alone and defeated.

Merry Christmas.

I must be an idiot

Thank God Christmas is over. I am more confused than ever. I made plans to spend as much time with Janet as I could. We spent Friday night having drinks in out little Italian restaurant and for a change none of the other girls showed up. I gave Janet her present from Florida which she seemed to really like. I felt more like a date than any other time I was with her. So of course I get calls from Lisa on my cell. She was dealing with the pre-holiday stress and wanted me to join her. I put the phone in my car so as not to need to deal with her. Her voice always gets me though and when I listened to the message I had just said bye to Janet and while I was in the car I saw Janet talking to Gary. Gary really likes Janet and I didn't need to watch and see if they were getting together so I took off. All the while I am listening to Lisa's message pleading with me to come by. It was midnight and I knew it was way too late.

So we talked the next day and she said she was up until one. How close I was to doing a drive by. So I spent Saturday, which was also Christmas Eve, seeing Lisa. At least for part of the day. She stopped by to join me for our traditional egg nog. Then we ran some errands together which included getting some last chance presents at the toy store. I needed to wrap about 20 presents so she left at about 1 p.m. and I got to it. She called and we realized I had one of her neices presents mixed in with mine so I needed to go to her house before I could go to my family's Christmas. She said Tom would be there at about 2 and she was leaving at 3. Tom is the married guy she has had an affair with for what has to be going on 10 years. So at 2:30 I called from the car to say I was on the way and I got no answer at her house or on her cell. So I'm thinking thay are having what must be their traditional Christmas fuck. I get egg nog and he gets laid. Don't get me started. I am really having ugly thoughts. Can I even ask?

So I go to Joe's house to pick up a gift there instead of going to Lisa's. I end up going there after that and by then the coast is clear. No Tom... I still have never met him and I'd like to keep it that way. Long story. So I pretty much give Lisa her package and promise to stop in at her sister's after my family gathering breaks up. I figure around 10.

Well my family goes late and her's ends early so she calls me at 9:30 and we agree it's pointless for me to go there. She wants me to come to Christmas dinner. Maryliz wants me to come to dinner at her house. But I was having dinner with Janet and her family. I also have brunch at Barry's house. To top it all off I walk out to a flat tire that I had to change first thing in the morning. So I get to Barry's late then I went to Lisa's sister's and ended up getting there before she did. So I said hello to all her family. They all know me so it was good to see them. Then Lisa arrives. She wore a black skirt and an angora sweater that had just the right amount of cleavage. And she was giving me lots of attention and really trying to convince me to stay longer. Oh she looked so good. My little head and my big head were having a really hard time deciding what to do. Of course I do the right thing. I left and headed for Janet's. Lisa walks me to the door. I say good-bye and walk toward the car and she watches me. She is irresistable looking. As I drive away I see her give me the saddest wave good-bye I'd seen since I watched my teenage girlfriend drive away to college over 25 years ago. I'll never forget how I wanted to go back.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas

Lisa wants me to come to his sister's house on Christmas Eve. It would have been nice to have been thought of sooner than yesterday. Still it would have been my first choice if I had not already committed to being with my family on the 24th and Janet's family on the 25th. I still want to make an appearance. Which I think is pretty stupid. I should really be only looking towards my evening with Janet and just tell Lisa she is too late.

I have trying to convince myself that Janet is thinking about me. I really can't see any intimacy between us. Just friendship. But I am set up to spend lots of time with her. Seeing her on Friday, then Christmas Day then on New Years Eve. Are these dates? No. Just time together ... as if that means anything.

Am I doing this to make Lisa jealous? That would be good except I tell her nothing is happening and she has nothing to be jealous over.

So I'm just going with the flow and not putting too much pressure on myself. I have a present for Janet so I'll see what happens from that.   

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Mid week blues

Some how I managed to blow through $3000 dollars this month. I don't see how that's possible. I have at least 2 years of budget that I must adhear to. Yet I am still considering doing more this winter.

I received an email from Janet yesterday. Nothing earth shattering... just a picture that was meant to make me laugh. But it gets me wondering if she thinks about me more than she lets on. Of course I sent something back. She has never been very chatty with emails. Sometimes she goes back and forth but only if she has something to say about plans being made but for the most part she stays busy with work.

I sat home last night wanting to reach out to her even though I don't have a reason. If I could have I would have called Lisa but since she is working at the center she can't have conversations.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm so lost

Can't get any where with Janet or Lisa. I guess I'm just someone who will always have the "friendships" but not able to take it to the next level.

Friday night had dinner with Janet, Roberta, Suzy, and Judy. Yeah... me and the girls. Gary was there but didn't join us for some reason. We also had this guy Nester hanging around Suzy which I could tell she was enjoying the attention. Roberta kept trying to bait Suzy into a fight. All that drama and Janet either was above it or just didn't pay any attention. Then we went to Gallerger's Bar in Sea Cliff. In comes this guy Gary... apparently an old flame of Janet's .... only cemment from Janet was "This is why I was afraid to come here." Gary was hitting on Janet for about an hour and she didn't seem comfortable. She handled it though. Roberta said she Janet might go home with him but she shouldn't. I tried not to react but inside I was dying. I was a little drunk at this point, too. I spent too much money too. Of the $160 I started the night with I left with about $30.  So as we left I walked Janet to her car. I had a gift for her in my car but didn't give it to her. She did give me an extra big hug. I didn't go for more. I never do until it's way too late.

I called Janet the next night to see if she would be out but she said she was home for the night and would be doing holiday baking for her church pageant the next day. So I called Lisa and we went Christmas shopping and then had dinner. It was very unexciting. I wanted to but Janet a present but didn't want to do it in front of Lisa. So I shopped for 4 hours and didn't buy anybody a present. Still gotta get it done. After dinner Lisa and I hung out at her house for about an hour then I went home.

I felt very sad and empty when I left. I am still alone and the holiday blues are getting me down. Part of me can't wait until it's over. Somehow I think I have tell Janet I have feelings for her but in a way that if she can't return them we can still be friends.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Weekend plans

It's Friday morning and once again I head into the weekend with hopes and anticipation. This weekend Lisa is out and Janet is in. We've been emailing back and forth this morning. Dinner at the favorite Italian restaurant tonight and maybe dinner at her house again tomorrow. For the first time since I met Janet I have some money in my pocket. I have a present for her that I'm not sure how to give to her. Then we have dinner planned for Christmas. Are these dates or not?

Lisa was sending me text messages and emails all week but I am really not feeling anything anymore. I still love her with all my soul but what I get back no longer has any potential. So I want to focus my time and energy on something that might... of course even that possibility is remote.

I was thinking on the train as I always do. It's become so hard to imagine having a girlfriend I can no longer even picture it. How do I seduce someone? Do I take the inititive or just follow their lead? Sometimes I think I should sleep with my ex-wife just so I can gain some confidence. Of course that would be wrong in so many ways. I went to see her last night and she cried about her dad again. She seems so lonely right now. If I fall into that trap I'll carry the guilt for a very long time. I swear to God if I don't have some intimacy soon I'm going to give up. I'll never give up.

Earlier this week I made a call to Tracy. You might remember Tracy had knee surgury right after our one and only date. She is so devistated she would see or call me. But now she is back at work even though her knee is still causing her severe pain. It was good to hear her. She seems in good spirits. We chatted for almost half an hour. Her knee however limits her social availability. Probably not going to see her for a while.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Another night home alone

Went home last night and just ate dinner. I enjoyed a quiet night where my only interruption came in cell phone text messages from .... who else... Lisa. She wanted to know if we could have cognac after she finished her night at the center at 11 o'clock. I replied I'd be up. She thought I would bring it to her. Fat chance. It was about 15 degrees out and the car I have has very little heat. I told her to come over to me. She wouldn't so I never did see her last night.

I'm guessing the planets will never aligne for us to have any more than the friendship she has. Trouble is I know the day is coming where she will find someone who she thinks is right for her but who I know is really just looking for something easy and then move on.... like all the others she has always managed to attach herself to. I don't relish the thought of dealing with that. I only hope I am in a better place soon.

Brings me to Janet. I am quite thrilled that she thinks enough of me to go to dinner on Christmas. Can't seem to get past the idea that I could have more than friendship. So I will look forward to seeing her when I can and try not to get my hopes up and yet try to be a little more assertive.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Date with Lisa ... sort of.

I got back from Florida on Saturday instead of Friday. So I missed my chance to see Janet on Friday night but I was looking forward to Saturday night anyway as I have made plans for dinner and dancing with Lisa. We had been having great conversations while I was away ... pretty much having a nightly goodbye call. So when we made plans I got it into my head that I was going to be assertive and make one more try at affection from Lisa.

So right away I was put off as Lisa decided to have dinner with someone from her yoga center. So I had dinner alone and realized I would still go dancing. We went out at 9:30 and didn't know where to go. I wanted to see live music and Lisa wanted to go to a DJ dance place that has a really young crowd. Lisa won. We went to this place and were out of money in an hour, but danced.... she is so sexy when she dances. We left pretty early. We were both tired and I took her home around 12:30. I had pretty much been trying to kiss her all night and she wasn't having any of it. At her door I really tried and she just pushed me off and went upstairs to her apartment. I went home feeling pretty bad, but also knowing that if I'm not appealing to her now I never would be.

So Sunday I called Janet. We had a great conversation and she invited me to have dinner on Christmas day. I'm determined to stop thinking about Lisa nad start paying attention to Janet as she seems to like me more than I realized. But we are still friends and I've never been successful at changing that.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Middle of the week

Still here in Florida. Not doing much. Spent entire day with Dad. We did chores in the garage but at least we got enough done. Getting a lot of quality time and I feel good about that. You see, my dad has emphezema so every day here is precious. It's hard to guess what the next trip may be like.

I've been getting midnight phone calls from Lisa. She is working so much at the center .... early in the morning until late at night and then she has to run to my house and feed my cats and only then can she go home to bed. She's probably averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. I told her I would take her to dinner on Saturday night and then she should go home early since she will be busy on Sunday. She responded by saying she want to go dancing. Now I get to find a place for that. She also wants me to come to the Christmas party Friday night but I had asked Janet to meet me for a drink at Stango's. I feel like I should go to Lisa's thing because she has done so much for me while I'm away. But Janet will be more fun.

Stay tuned. Meanwhile I'm here in Florida for 2 more days. Then back to the snow and cold of New York.   

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was making out with this girl. She didn't look like anyone I know but she had red hair and freckles. Very Irish looking. Maybe it was fortuitious. Maybe my passion is starting to awaken.  

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Almost a week has gone by

I'm in Florida visiting Mom and Dad. Got here Friday morning. My brother Barry was here with me until today. We had planned to scuba dive until Friday but something came up at his job. My sister is also here with a friend of hers. She leaves on Tuesday. So I get to spend the last 2 and a half days with just the parents.

Lisa drove me to the airport on Friday. She picked me up at 5 a.m.and we almost didn't make it in time because her car was not working right. We got 15 minutes out and then turned back and got my car. I just made my flight. We've been chatting several times a day since I've been here. I miss her.

I'm also missing Janet. I sent her an email on Friday about how the weather is. She reminded me to wear sunscreen. 

Before I left last Thursday night I went to Roberta's house to pick up some things I'd left after the party last week. We had pizza and chatted about my life. I may have let out just a little too much about my feelings for Janet but I really wanted some feedback about if there was anything there other than friendship. I left with more questions than answers. I wonder a little about how Roberta feels about me too.

I always seem to come back from Florida ready to make thing happen. Maybe the time I take here clears my head. I am hoping I can come home and have some movement that takes me in a new direction. I may be able to clear up my bad financial position by then too.  

Monday, November 28, 2005

Welcome back

My Thanksgiving included spending time with everybody. Wednesday night I got out of work late so I didn't get home until past seven. I called Lisa and I went to her house and we shared a glass of wine. I was hoping she and I would see each other on Thanksgiving Day at her sister Ellen's. I suggested I could stop by but she said she wanted to leave there early and she was concerned that she had to have a clear head for work on Friday. So I didn't see her.

I got a call on my cell from Janet on the way home and we made plans for dinner on Friday. Her idea! She would cook lobster. A gift from her dad. Three live lobsters. So I got there and we had an evening that included all three of her kids coming and going at various times. It kept things casual and relaxed. Not a single romantic moment that I could see and she kicked me out at 11. Still, it was the first time I had spent alone with her. We talked about everything but when I got around to asking about her last boyfriend I could tell I'd stumbled onto a taboo subject. She did give me a little insight on how she feels it's very diffecult for her to trust anyone.

So the next day was Roberta's party. Lisa was invited but chose to stay home because she had work priorities. So I got more quality time with Janet. I had mentioned my dinner and there seemed to be a little gossip going on about it. Sue wants to know when I plan on moving to Glen Cove. I am always trying to hide just how much I like Janet so we don't have those uncomfortable moments but I do get a sense that everybody knows that I really do like her a lot. I've never been that good about hiding my feelings. So the fact that Janet has maintained her distance tells me she doesn't want to turn up the heat.

Janet lives pretty close to Roberta and she had walked there and I walked her home. Unfortunately it didn't lead to anything and I was on my way home as soon as she was inside her front door.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Struggling to stay positive

I had a fun time Friday and Saturday nights. I saw Janet both nights and while I still like her a great deal I've pretty much found that our relationship will never evolve past the friendship stage. As always I get to people only on that level. She really does like me, but only in a platonic way. I see her as beautiful, and fun but never with that look that I need to feel.

Friday night I went to the Italian Restaurant in Glen Cove and we had wine and enjoyed the other friends that we've made there. On Saturday we had dinner in a group of six. At the last minute Lisa called and said she wasn't working so I invited her to join us which she did. After we ate no one could come up with a good place to go so Lisa headed home. I walked her to her car and she pretty much just wanted to leave as quickly as she could. Just a quick goodbye ... no kiss or anything. So I went back and joined the group. We went to a dumpy little place that had no one there on a Saturday night. They had a pool table so I got to play and we also picked songs from the jukebox.

Since I'd pretty much figured out I wasn't ever going to get anywhere with Janet but still like the friendship we built I said to her that I felt that we would be around each other alot. I only hope that made her feel glad.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense

"Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense"

Heard that in a movie last week. Actually the self-esteem thing isn't the big of a problem right now. Even though I haven't been close to getting a woman in what must be 100 years by now I can at least say I've made many friends. I know the only thing in my way has to be a little of my lack of assertiveness and good looks. It would help if I was wealthy. Right now I desperately need $2500.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Tired Wednesday

Lisa returned from her trip to Sedona in Arizona early this morning. Her flight landed on time at 5:20 a.m. and I was there to pick her up. I was exhausted from being out with Steve the night before. It was great to see her but I felt so strange. I wanted to talk but we were both so tired we could maintain a conversation. By the time I dropped her at home and got back to my house I needed to jump into the shower to get to work. Probably not a good idea to out the night before even though I didn't stay out late.

Steve's friend Ami (pronounced Ah-my) was there and I keep getting this feeling she likes me. I already put out the vibe that I like her and I'm sure Steve said something to her. Problem is, Steve loves to flirt with her and even though she is one of his wife's closest friends I think she likes it too. So I always feel like I am getting in his way... it's just an odd dynamic because I wanted to talk to her. So at a point in the evening I did get to have a nice conversation with her and I wanted to know about her boyfriend status.

She said she is single but I never moved in to seal the deal because Steve wanted to talk to her. So I let it go. I'm not sure how much she's my type but I really am attracted to her.  I really need some money to make anything happen. Why is it when there are oppertunities I am always broke.

Speaking of oppertunities, Janet want to have dinner again this Saturday. This is getting to be such a regular thing. Of course there will be the usual group there. Still having fun although I'm not sure how I can pay for dinner.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Just another day

I got an email from Janet yesterday. She is dealing with family issues plus she is down with a sore throat. She confided to me that her 14 year old son Spencer has been diagnosed with depression. She also let me know that her daughter Sam and ex-husband Mark all had similar bouts with depression. It's so sad that someone as upbeat and alive as Janet is surrounded by such sadness. Bring thoughts into my head of those moments of dispair that I've felt. I seem to get depressed and sometimes feel overwhelmed and I don't even know how avoid falling into the abyss that our minds can take us to. I remember my summer vacation where I didn't leave the house for 3 days and I was struggling to get out of bed. Somehow I forced myself to do something and finally had some great days.

What little I know is that depression can be chemically induced which means the sufferer can't always be responsible. There are activities that I'm sure can create the right balance of .... I'll say endorphins. Janet says that the likelihood is that Spencer will have to take some kind of medication. I can see how she really loves her kids but she struggles sometimes. I know the best I should do is just listen and try not to get too emotionally involved but my "co-dependent" part of me wants to try to "fix" things.

How come I can get close to someone like Janet but only as a friend? Do I only assert myself in gestures of friendship?

Monday, November 14, 2005

Delaney's was cool

Sometimes karma is just there for me. Janet asked last week if I knew of any place that was halfway between Lindenhurst and Glen Cove that we could meet her friend Dawn. I suggested a place in Bethpage called Delaney's that looked nice but I'd never been there. She called them up and made reservations and we were set for dinner there at 7. There was to be 5 of us including Janet, myself, Dawn, Roberta and Gary who was hanging out with us the weekend before. It seems that Gary had taken Janet out once but she said she would get serious with a smoker. So he is trying to quit but I think she just isn't that into him so he really isn't close to giving it.

So Friday night I went for drinks in Glen Cove and saw Janet there and we discussed a little about where we would meet on Saturday. She had switched cars with her daughter for the weekend and she wasn't comfortable driving a strange car. She had her other daughter to drive her to the restaurant. We agreed that if necessary she would take a cab home but secretly I knew I wanted to drive her.

Saturday night at 7 sharp I get to Delaney's parking lot. It was close to a Days Inn hotel and a little hard to find. I called to see if she needed directions but she was already there. I go inside to see an almost empty restaurant and a quiet bar. Everyone was there but Dawn, whom I'd never met. We all had a drink a we even discussed maybe finding another place as this seemed a little too sedate. But the waitress told us the band coming later was pretty good and it would get crowded. Dawn arrived. We sat down for dinner and the food was good, even if the service was a little slow. We drank 3 bottles of wine between us. Everything was mellow. Dawn and Gary both smoke so they would go outside for cigarette breaks and Roberta was asking Janet about Gary. Maybe she liked him. Janet said she can't see dating him. She said that on the one time they had dinner she had Suzie go as chapperone. She said she doesn't feel safe alone with someone new. I wanted to aske her about that. When I first met Janet 2 years ago I asked her to have dinner with me and she pretty much said she couldn't. I wanted to ask if that was why she said no a but Gary and Dawn came back so I let it go.

I keep hoping I could get romantic with Janet but I just don't feel that vibe at all. At this point I've pretty much made peace with the fact that what we have is a friendship and since I am having more fun on weekends in years I am just going with the flow.

The band set up and they were a group that played all Motown. They were real good and I knew I would be dancing. I had such a good time. Danced pretty much all night. We all had fun. I keep wondering if it's Janet or good karma but each time I go somewhere even at random I always have a night to remember.

At the end I insisted on driving Roberta and Janet home even though I lived close by and they were thirty minutes away. We had a nice ride home and I dropped Roberta off then Janet. There was no big kiss at the door or even in the car. She just said goodnight and out the door she went. Still had a great time and the last thing we said was we'd see each othe Friday night again and figure out what to do for Saturday.   

Thursday, November 10, 2005

What's going on

I have plans with Lee tonight. I don't want to go. Don't get me wrong. I like Lee but it's such an effort to see her. She lives in the City which means I'll be taking a train home after 9 o'clock then go and take car of things at home. I'll be lucky if I get to bed before midnight. I need to go to the allergyst as I haven't gotten my shots in 3 weeks and I'm supposed to go every week. Now I'll need to go Monday. Joe keeps asking why I maintain a friendship with someone who can't (or won't) ever leave Manhattan. I have to admit I don't have an answer. I don't enjoy Lee's company that much and there has never been a hint of romance between us. But once I let go of all that stuff I do usually enjoy her company and she knows how I'm dealing with low budget and keeps me from overspending.

Janet sent me an email that Saturday she is meeting her friend Dawn Saturday night and I should be there too. She asked about a place in my area and I suggested Delaney's. She later sent back that that would be where they are going and I should meet them. I have this feeling she wants Dawn to meet me. It feels a little like a fix up. With how Janet doesn't think of me as any more than a friend I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'll be curious to see if that is the case.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Better days ahead.

My outlook seems to be on the upswing. I should make it through the year. Still have many things undone that money would help but I got some mail yesterday that may give me hope. I am going to apply for hardship withdrawal from my 401k. That may give me the ability to make it through to the point that I can begin to live again. It will hurt in 15 years when I will need to retire but I have to live in the now.

I was shocked to get a comment from Marissa. I'd been looking at her blog for a while and been getting some inspiration from her entries. Yesterday I decided I needed to comment on one and she found my blog. As far as I know she is the only reader as my count never really changes much.

This is to Marissa if she comes back; thanks for the advice to save money by serving dinner in my home. My apartment is in a bit of disarray and will take probably and entire weekend of cleaning to make it presentable. I am a single man so I tend to have too many things that never get put away. Cleaning never seems to happen as often as it should. I think that the 4 days off on Thanksgiving will be an entire house cleaning. I'll make that a goal.

Monday, November 7, 2005


Trying to get myself out of the duldrums. Lisa is away for another week and a half and it already feels like she's been gone too long. I'm shocked at how much I miss her. I need to not be this way. I can't keep obsessing on someone who will never give herself to me. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day. While there yesterday I looked to see if she had any CD's I could borrow. I noticed she has some homemade CD's that someone must have burned for her. One of them had a note inside from someone she toured the Napa Valley with last year. His name was Tim... not a name I'd ever heard before. I wish I hadn't seen it. Now my imagination just assumes that she slept with him. He wanted to get together again.

I keep thinking about the Halloween party and how I just went home afterwards. Why didn't I try to seduce her? I look back and I think she was really my date that night. Not just a friend. I swore I wouldn't let an oppurtunity go by and then I did. I think she wants to go there as long as I initiate. Of course she was very sleepy. And she did back away from my kiss. But then she changed her mind and did kiss me. When we got to her house I went upstairs with her. Then I left. I'm not a coward. Did I not want to sleep there overnight? 

So now she is gone. I gave her a real tight hug at the airport. She didn't expect it. Then she read the note and called me from Arizona. I'm sure it meant a lot to her but not like I would hope. At least I told her how I feel not only as friends but as the person I truly love. She said some nice things to my voice mail but mostly about how she knows that I accept her even though I don't always understand her.

So I spent pretty much the entire weekend drinking. Friday and Saturday was spent with Janet and Sunday watching football. I think I could have had more time with Janet but I'm feeling like I wouldn't be myself. But also just wanting to be drunk. This is not good. I never should have given Lisa that note. I'm waiting for her to return instead of living my life.

Brenda the ex-wife wants me to come with her Wednesday night to see some music and I'm not really sure if I should go. But feel loved by her and I'm starting to feel like I need that. I know I can't ever love Brenda back like she loves me.

Thursday I can see Lee. She could be a distraction. I'll have money on Thursday too.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Sunday night blahs

I'm struggling with this journal. I had a really good weekend and yet I am very unhappy. Friday night I had a great dinner and wine tasting and after I joined Janet, Suzy and Roberta in a small bar but I ran out of steam. I feel so poor. I'm stymied by the fact that I can't go the distance. They  want to do things and I end up bailing so that I don't go over my limit. Then I go over it anyway.

So Saturday I talked them into coming onto the boat and go sailing. It was a rare 70 degree day in November. They all came and had a wonderful time. I could have very easily gotten a dinner date but my wallet was empty and that is only going to get worse.

I need money! 

Friday, November 4, 2005

Weekend stuff

I took Lisa to the airport this morning. She will be in Sedona for 2 weeks for training for her Yoga center. For her it is a culmination of more than 3 years of work. She was looking forward to it but she was also afraid. She would be given tests that she would need to endure. I truly believe she will come through it without any big problems.

I put a letter into her suitcase without her knowledge. The letter kind of rambled a little bit. In it I told her how I've loved being her friend. I wanted to help her to be confident by telling her I would send her all the mental energy I have and she should look at Venus and Mars at night so that she can remind herself that she's not alone. I wanted her to read it after she arrives and unpacks. I'm missing her already.

I'm having a dinner tonight with Janet and all the other people that I met at the beach last summer, including Roberta and Suzy. I doubt I'll get quality time with Janet and I'm struggling this weekend with my money so I may make an early night of it. I wish I could meet somebody.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

My brain drain

Still riding the buzz from the party. I really wish I wasn't so broke or I would be trying to make soemthing happen. My self esteem feels real good now and I should use this as motivation to take a positive step. Only thing is I look at my finances and I feel like a cripple. So I sit and daydream about the possibilities as time slips away. I don't have nearly enough money to take care of things that need to get done. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I can just get to July somehow I can make a recovery.  

I'm going to try something. My retirement plan offers a hardship withdrawal option and I want to see if I can recieve a $10,000 disbursment. That may solve my problems and maybe I can resume a somewhat normal life again.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Weekend Part 3 Halloween Party

Lisa and I arrived at the party togther. The party was taking place on a boat in Port Washington. From the parking lot we could see the light show Joe had set up making it very easy to find where the party was. We got on the boat and I could see only the people who had gone on the trip upstate from 2 weeks before and only Lisa was new to the group. I introduced her to all the people she didn’t know. I could see right away this was already turning into a typical party with scuba pictures. The PC was set up and they were all quietly looking at pictures of God knows what. I immediately looked at Lisa and said if we can’t get this going we would not stay long.

To my pleasant surprise Janet arrived with her friend Suzy in tow only minutes after we got there. I had already put a CD in the player but still had the volume down a little. I gave all the introductions of Janet and Suzy and Joe, like the good host he is, imbraced their arrival despite having told me no extra guests and made sure everyone had drinks. I didn’t wait long before I kicked up the volume and got Lisa dancing soon to be joined by everyone else. We went crazy… everybody loved my music and for once it was a great party.

I spent some time with Janet and Suzy, danced a lot with Lisa but kept my eye on Janet. It was very overwhelming having two girls there that I really wanted to date but neither of them really likes me that way. I keep thinking that I should have made up my mind that I was going to make out with Lisa because looking back I think I could have. We had a moment when she was eating a pepperoni and said to me “I hope my breath isn’t bad from this.” I said I’ll check and tried to make a pass at her. She at first backed away… but then changed her mind and gave me a very sensual lips only kiss. Stupid me decided she wasn’t that interested, but actually I had taken her off guard and now she was ready for it but I backed off. Once again not assertive. Thinking way too much. I was still holding out hope that Janet would like me. I am such a mess. I can’t seem to get the vibe I needed. That’s all I needed was a certain look. Today I am looking back and thinking how easy it could have been to have gotten swept up in the moment and taken Lisa to a quiet spot. It could have happened.  It should have happened. But once again I let her dictate my actions.

Ten minutes later I realized that Lisa was fading fast. I knew if I let her sit she would be asleep and Janet said she and Suzy were looking to head home. It was late ... a good four hours had past since out arrival. I took my cue from that and also grabbed my coat. We had all had a great time even if I couldn’t get it to turn sexual. At least I don't feel like I should need to apologize to anyone.

Weekend Part 2 - Halloween

When Saturday started I knew I was going to have my hands full. I called Janet and she was in the middle of a pedicure but she was planning on coming to the party – yea! Problem was so was Lisa and she wanted me to drive which is what I wanted too. So I talked Janet into driving herself. I figured after that last night she was looking to me as a friend, not someone who she would date. I was hopeful she would be okay with driving and she was. Probably more of a problem for me because I have hopes.

So then I spoke to Roberta and then Judy and they gave every indication that they would be going too. So I had invited 4 girls to one party that wasn’t even my party. It was Joe’s party and he had already told me he didn’t want any more people comeing than already were. But you can’t unring a bell and I also knew that once I got them there Joe would warm up to them and change his mind.

You need to understand what up to now these parties have been like. All divers and their dive pictures. Thousands of pictures. All night long more pictures. I wanted to shake this party up or I wasn’t going to anymore of them. I was bringing some dance music CD’s as I detemined to get everyone dancing.

I was all set to pick up Lisa later. Janet would come with the other girls later and it all seemed to be working out until four o’clock when I called Janet and she said Roberta and Judy both had sore throats and wouldn’t be going to the party. First thing I thought was Janet was about to bail too, but she assured me she was planning to attend and would be bringing Suzy.

I hung up thinking no way she was coming. So at 7 o’clock I get to Lisa’s house and she answers the door in a bathrobe. I said “nice costume.” She replied, “very funny… I’m not ready yet.” She showed me her outfit and it was supposed to be Trinity from the movie “The Matrix.” Although she doesn’t really have the same body type as Trinity she did look very sexy in the outfit. Lisa has a great body. So after 45 minutes we were out the door and heading for the party.

Would Janet show up? We were late … what if she got there before us? Read the next part.

Weekend Part 1

I got called on the way home Friday night to meet Janet and friends. They were having drinks and dinner at an Italian restaurant in Glen Cove. So I left the house and got there at 7:30 and they had about a 30 minute head start on me.

We all were drinking wine and Janet, Roberta and Judy were standing at the bar talking to these two guys that had been part of a trip to Block Island earlier last month. I divided my time between Janet and Roberta and I was trying to figure out who these guys were. The two guys both seemed interested in the same thing I was and of course were more forward about it. So I would find myself talking to Judy a lot.

Judy is nice but let's face it... she has been hit with the ugly stick a little bit. She is very heavy and dresses like a lesbian. In fact, one of her friends saw her in the dim light and thought she was a guy.

As always Janet was being social and pretty much talking to everyone. She came over to me and we got a menu and ordered some dinner. She gave me some attention and I felt pretty at home with all my friends. Nothing sexual happening at all. 

Roberta was going on about a bar the Sea Cliff that was closing and how she really wanted to see if they were having a last weekend in business bash. It was a bar I had always been a little afraid to go into. But everyone was going and I didn’t want to be a party pooper so I got in my car and headed up to a place called Little Buster’s. Little Buster’s was also known as Louie’s and was located on the ground floor of what I could only call a flop-house hotel on the edge os one of Glen Cove’s seediest neighborhoods. I wish I could say I am free of all prejudiece and able to live in a black and white world but the plain truth is I’m not. So when I looked in the window and saw a bar with only blacks and mostly male I was very apprehensive about going in. To top it all off my cell phone had a message from Lisa that she was getting off work early and would be home soon if I wanted to stop by. I was standing out front listening to her message and when no one had showed up yet I started to think I’d been tricked. I left a short message for Lisa and peeked inside and saw that they had arrived through the back door.

So in I went but very, very uncomfortable. Everyone was there including the two new guys that I’d just met. Everyone else seemed okay although it was not the festive occasion that we had expected. Apparently their closing was put off another month so there was no party. Only a DJ that was still setting up. So I had a beer and tried to relax and figured if I just kept smiling no one would notice how uncomfortable I was. Then my cell rang and it was Lisa so I stepped outside so we could talk. I decided I wouldn’t abandon my friends so I told Lisa I would not come by, although I really wanted to. While I was talking to her I looked on the ground at this thing that at first looked like a dried leaf but in fact was a dead mouse. That was it … I know I wasn’t long for this place. But I went back inside the bar and made the best of it.

I danced with Roberta for a while and she said to me “I’m going to find a girl for you.” She then grabs the homliest girl I ever saw and introduced us. Next thing I know she’s gone and I’m dancing with this girl who, as near as I could tell, was the only white girl in the place. I looked around and saw Janet talking to one of the younger guys and he had his arm around her but she was holding her hands away. She wasn’t pushing him away though so I just decided I wasn’t going to torture myselfby watching and spent the rest of my time either dancing with Roberta of talking to Judy. Then I noticed the guy and Janet going out the back although Janet had left her coat. Obviously the guy had to go and she just walked him out as she came right back in. He had said he had an early wake up the next day. I’m not sure if they have a history but it won’t surprise me a bit if Janet and he aren’t involved in some way.

So before we all left I made sure to ask them one more time if they wanted to come to the Halloween party on Saturday. They all said yes. Now on to the next part.   

Friday, October 28, 2005

It's only 3 o'clock on Friday

The longest day of the week. I just got off the phone with Lisa. She called me from some garage that was fixing her car. She isn't wanting to go to this party.... her words "but I've nothing else to do" ... so she going or not? She is hoping for a better offer?

Seems like I've been getting a lot of calls from her at unexpected times. I wish that didn't mean that much to me. She called me last Saturday at 1:30 in the a.m. Then on Sunday, and again twice during the week. Always just as I go to bed. I'm sure she is just lonely before she goes to bed but damn... I don't have that option. When I feel lonely before bed I just get to lay there. One thing about when she calls I seem to sleep much better. I guess I feel loved and that makes me relax.

So what about Roberta? If she wants me to come to where she is I could end up with 2 faux dates.

Here comes another weekend

It's Halloween on Monday so Saturday there are parties galore. The main one will be on Joe's boat and I invited every girl I could dispite Joe saying I could only bring a single guest. I can't get a straight answer from Lisa. I think all she really wants to do is stay home and drink wine until she passes out. So she is reluctantly saying she will go to the party and then she says maybe not. Janet doesn't want to have anything to do with costumes, so I'm pretty sure I won't see her on Saturday. I wonder what that's all about. Roberta has been sending me regular emails and seems to be very excited about this weekend. I'm starting to feel that she likes me just a little more than I thought. I must admit I think I would like to see where I could take that. Roberta is just a timy bit older than me ... I think maybe a year or two. She told me she is over 50 but how much older is just a guess. She has a very Irish look to her which I loke alot. So I've been encouraged by her attention but might get myself into a problem as Lisa will want to go with me and I'll shoot myself in the foot to be with her.  

Monday, October 24, 2005

My weekend update

I put some more pictures from my upstate 2 weeks ago. Just something to look at I guess. I've got to wonder if anyone ever sees this but me.

On Saturday I went to an outdoor Power Squadron Boating Association Stag Cruise. While there I ate and drank and mostly watched others play poker.  I got cell phone calls from Judy and Lisa. Judy wanted me to go see a band in Glen Cove that night. Lisa just wanted to watch TV. The weather was pretty bad so I decided to go home by around 7.

While heading home on Saturday night I text messaged Lisa and she was at her sister's.  I guess TV got boring. We traded messages back and forth. She didn't ask me to come and even though I am almost like family to them I decided I couldn’t just go uninvited. So I went to Glen Cove where Judy was and because I knew Janet would be at the Downtown bar where the band was playing. I got there at 9:30 with only about $40 so I knew I would probably not stay too long.

I got there too early so I felt pretty ridiculous with no one to talk too but I made the best of it watching the World Series Game 1 on TV. I started to consider this as a bad move since I was spending the last of my pocket money for the week and here I was alone and not even sure if I wanted to be there. I started thinking I should have crashed the gathering at Lisa’s sister’s house. Then the band started and I saw Janet, Roberta, and Judy come in and I felt better. I ended up talking to Roberta a lot. She really wants to go to the Halloween party.  At first Janet didn’t see me so when she did I got a really nice hello. She looked great in a leopard print shirt and jeans that really show what a great ass she has. They had been drinking margaritas so they all had a pretty good buzz.

So I ended up stay longer than I expected. When Roberta and Jady left I still had more to drink and Janet didn’t look like she was leaving so I figured I may as well stay on the off chance I could talk to her with out so many other people involved in the conversation. We didn’t really talk at all because it was a little loud. So when the band stopped I finished my drink and told her I should really get going. She said she would leave with me. We walked to the parking lot just talking and she asked if I wanted to come by on Sunday she would open some wine. Not in a romantic way though. I had to so no as I had to go to the burial of my ex-father-in-law on Sunday at 11:30. Maybe when that was over? 

So she hopped in the SUV and I got in my car and I was home by around 1:30. My cell phone had a message from Lisa on it from around 11 saying she was on her way home. Too late to call back I figured I’d just go home and to bed. So I get home and just before my head hit the pillow my phone rings. What? At 1:30? It’s Lisa… she didn’t feel well. She wasn’t sure what was wrong but she needed Alka-seltzer. She sounded really scared so I went to Walgreens and bought the Alka-seltzer and went to her house. My little voice also kept saying “booty call.” Reality says no.

So I got there and she was laying in her bed awake hold her abdomin and obviously this was no booty call. She was wear full pajamas that looked like something a 5 year-old might have. I made the plop-plop-fizz-fizz and she drank it down. Then I turned off all the lights and layed down next to her and rubbed her back until sleep overtook me. At 5 a.m. I must have started to snore because she woke me up. I knew I needed to go home so I said feel better and went home to get some real sleep.  

So Sunday became all about my ex-wife and her father's burial. In the Jewish tradition there is no funeral or wake. Only a burial that needs to take place quickly and since he died late on Thursday he wasn't ready until Sunday morning. Brenda, my ex, was still very upset but I couldn’t help feeling that part of her grief was more about what people expected than her real inner feelings. You see, I've always felt she has a certain insencere quality with her emotions. It may only be difference from her family and mine but she was getting more emotional when she would first talk to other people about her loss.... almost turning it on and off. I wish I could be sure but being an ex-husband it's better not to try to psycho-analyze too much. I look for flaws when I should just be more accepting. I think I keep trying to validate our divorce.

So the burial went better than I expected. We were afraid there would only be 4 or 5 people there but a few of Brenda's friends came and she sent a car for her Aunt Molly to come from Brooklyn. My brother Barry came with his family so there were a number of morners there. Another traditions is the morners must shovel enough dirt into the grave to cover the casket. It was a lot more shoveling than I expected. Thank God there wasn't any rain. Afterwards I spent 5 hours back at her house with other morners. Several more people came by to pay respects.

So I finally got out of there around 6 p.m. Too late to see Janet. I called. Sorry … Maybe another time then. It was just as well as I was exhausted and needed to sleep early.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Yesterday my ex-wife's father passed away. He was 96. Even though we have been divorced for 10 years she has asked that I stand with her during the burial. I don't really want to but I couldn't say no.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Back to Lisa. We had dinner together for the last 2 nights. She took a few days off from work. Why? Certainly not for me. Her married-living-in-another-state-boyfriend was in New York for an annual conference. So she spent Sunday night and Monday night shacked up in some hotel in Manhatten then came home and called me up. I saw no good in talking about it. I just made her pay for dinner both nights since she was insisting we eat together.

So what else has to happen but her car died yesterday afternoon. So I helped her puch it to a service station. Then get got a bottle of wine and I watched tv at her place until about 10:30. Felt like old times.

Monday, October 17, 2005

More going on


So I spent the rest of the last weekend in upstate NY. I have a picture from a park overlooking the Hudson Valley. I could have spent Saturday with Janet and her friends but at the time it seemed like a better idea to look another direction than Janet. The weekend was fun but I was missing Janet. I doubt she was thinking about me but the heart isn't that smart.

What's Going On?

So many thing to say this will probably take more than one part. Where to begin?

Friday night started fine. Janet and Roberta were meeting me at Ruby Tuesday for a drink right after work which for me is 7 o'clock. I get there and it's just Janet and me for about 20 minutes. While I was enjoying myself with her company I felt unusually uncomfortable. I still find it very diffecult to have a one-on-one moment with someone I really like. I was putting pressure on myself to either impress her or make something happen. My heart says one thing and my brain says something else. I was relaxed and we chatted but I kept looking around the room and not at her.

Then Sue showed up followed by Roberta. I never really felt connected with Janet. It's that little voice that says she's just not that into me. So the decision was made to move it on to go dancing somewhere. That was fun. I started out not feeling like I wanted to not stay long. But we started dancing and I found myself wanting to dance more. Been a long time since I'd felt that free. Still I had to go earlier than anyone else.

Before I left I got a phone call from Lisa. She was home and wanted to share a drink with me. I told her I was out and wouldn't be able to. She didn't sound too disappointed.

More later.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Blame it on the rain.

It's been raining here for a solid week. Last 48 hours it's been torrential. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it's very hard. Between the rain and lack of money I've been housebound other than work.

On Tuesday I received a message from Lisa to come out for a glass of wine... I had to bring the wine. I had to tell her no because not only didn't I have any wine or money to get wine, but I didn't even have enough gas in the car to get there and back. So I turned down her invitation and stayed home. I wonder if she missed me as much I missed her.

I also heard from Janet. She wanted me to go to the Oyster Festival on Saturday, which I can't do becuase I'm going upstate and won't be back until Sunday. I had hoped she would go Sunday. It's still a possibility. She also mentioned a night out next weekend at the Downtown Bar. I can't do that either. I'll be out on Barry's boat at Tobay that weekend. You think it might make her miss me more? Does that ever work? Why do I have a feeling she will be introducing me to some guy and I'll be mad that I'd passed up these opportunities. It's still 3 weeks away but I am looking forward to the dinner/wine tasting next month. I expect that will be the next time I see Janet.

I have Joe's Halloween party in 2 weeks. I was trying to get Janet and some of her friends to go but Joe is getting all bent about no guests at HIS party. I may do a fly by and then go to something else. His parties are just not exciting enough. There is always plenty of food and drinks but no one does anything interesting. I can only do so much. Lisa has suggested playing a party game.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Monday - Columbus Day

It's a holiday for many people but for me it's another day in the office. While on the train I got a call on my cell from Lisa. Seems her car won't start. I couldn't do much as since I was already held captive by the LIRR. Felt like I should turn around and help but that wouldn't be the right thing at all. She has to make do. I really do wish I could have helped her. She calls me I'm supposed to be there - right? Oh well, now she will get help from someone more capable.

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Lost weekend

Didn't do anything this weekend. Needed to lay low and not spend any money. I finished the weekend with the same $1.50 I started with. I did try to take in a movie with Lisa but she wasn't up to  it. She said she needed to nap at home and I said call me if you change your mind. Well, she called at midnight. Almost felt like a booty call except I know better. She said she slept all though Saturday night. She asked if any movies started after 12. I was in bed already. So we are still kind of avoiding spending any time together. Still don't know if that is by design or not.

It's late and I've got work tomorrow.

Friday, October 7, 2005

My crazy screwed up life

I'm officially broke. It's October 7th and I have no money for the rest odf the month. My stupid planning got screwed up and I eneded up bouncing 6 checks and even though the bank paid them I was assessed $31 for each transaction which if you do the math amounts to almost $200. That's pretty much all the money I would have had for the month. I have no food at home. My car has about a quarter of a tank of gas. I haven't paid my LIRR ticket bill of my cell phone bill. What am I going to do?

Lisa called me last night and invited me over to share a glass of wine. My wine of course. I sat and sipped wine while she vaccuumed her apartment. Not very exciting but still I enjoyed getting out for a bit. I really miss seeing her. It was very platonic. I guess we've moved past the whole kissing episode. It's like it never happened. We talked about going to the movies Saturday although I can't figure out how I can do that with the dollar and forty-five cents I have in my pocket. I've got to sell something.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Tuesday musings

It's been very mellow day. No real exitement. Yet I can't seem to relax and sleep at night. Last night awake until 1:45. Could it be lonliness or just caffeine? Who knows. I decided to spice up my blog with a picture from years ago. The girl is Marcie. I used to see her on the train and invited her out for a sailone day. Before you get all excited I must tell you the picture was taken by Grant, her fiance.

So I've been contemplating on what next.... seems like I need to get off the Janet/Lisa thing and make something new happen somewhere. Neither one of them will ever be involved with me. All I really wanted was for one of them to see me as more than a friend. But it seems that once you lock into that dynamic you can never get out of it. Especially as long as a woman thinks they have the upper hand. Probably as soon as I get a girl I'll suddenly not be able to get either of them out of my life. That's, perhaps, a good thing.

Monday, October 3, 2005

Good weekend yet I feel so empty

Friday night went to see Sir Paul McCartney at Madison Square Garden. It was so good. My friend Joe got me a ticket at the last minute. He's not into music at all.... he showed up 3 songs into the show. I was there about 2 hours early. He opened with "Magical Mystery Tour" and played about 25 Beatles' songs among the 40 songs he did. That's right ... 40 songs. It was a long concert and he did all the favorites. Some of the surprises were "Flaming Pie", "Too Many People" and "I Will". I've decided I need top pick up my guitar again and learn "I Will". He closed with "Sgt. Pepper (reprise)/The End". That's the song that finishes with "And in the end the love you take is the love you make". I wish I wasn't so jaded so I could believe that. Maybe soon.

Spent Saturday out to dinner with Janet and her otherfriends Sue, Roberta, and Judy. They went to Block Island last weekend and were nice enough to get me a hat that I had asked them to get for me. I really wish I could have gone. Maybe next year I'll get my life together. So after dinner we went to the park to see a free rock concert and Judy and Roberta kind of ditched us from there. I opened a bottle of wine and we sat on a blanket ... Sue in the middle between Janet and I. Then Sue wanted to go home so I asked Janet to come to Buckrams for a drink... which she did. The first time I'd ever been alone with her ... but I bumped into Robby Posichek there so I ended up talking with him and his wife Carolyn (I think her name is Carolyn). He was pretty drunk and I guess maybe I was too, a little. Janet had enough after one drink. She was right to go home. But she kind of bolted out the back and I barely got a peck on the cheek goodbye. Yeah... like Joe said to me ... move it on down the road.

So I head for home and I had purposly left my cell phone in the car and when I checked it there was a message from Lisa.... First contact since Monday. There was a lengthy message about her getting lost driving home from New Jersey. She wanted to meet me for a drink ... I got the feeling the drink was more important than my being there so I declined. I went home and went to sleep.

Sunday was the Sea Cliff mini-mart. I had set up meeting Janet there. Janet called while I was on the boat and I headed up there around 2 in the afternoon. While there I saw practically every one I know. Then Lisa called around 3:30 just as Janet was leaving. She was right in the area and came to meet me. Mycell rang and while I answered it Janet disappeared. No goodbye.

So Lisa and I walked around another hour and a half and talked about our week since we had been apart all week. It seemed nice but I could see was really not that into the whole scene and I was getting really tired. So we called it a day and she dropped me off at my car around 6. Again not much of a goodbye. She had been running around alot and needed to go home and relax ... So I closed up and boat and headed home myself.

I guess I should feel good that I spent so much time with friends and enjoyed myself the whole weekend but truth be told I just feel like everything is not what I want. I'll always want more than I can get. I'll make my peace with it soon but I'll never get anywhere with poeple who obviously are only looking at me as good company. That's why a feel so empty.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Weekly words

Hopeful? Maybe not the right word for my mood. Maybe I only want to be hopeful. It gets so hard not to be disappointed sometimes.

Since I had that long talk with Lisa that included a really great kiss we haven't really had more than a minute or 2 to talk. She must be avoiding me. I also don't want the confrontation. But it is making me very sad. I guess I miss the nice feeling I used to get when she gave me some of her time. Somewhere I can hear this little vioce in my head telling me this is what we should have been all along. No sense pining for someone that I'll never get. So I've been avoiding all the little things I could do to contact her. But I found myself thinking about doing a drive-by her house. Like that would fix things... fix what? Go back to what was there before? That's not healthy.

Wednesday night I squirrelled my cell phone into the bottem of my backpack and didn't notice a missed call until I was getting ready for bed. It was a number I didn't recognize. There was a voice message. To my pleasant suprise it was Janet calling from home. She wanted to know if I could go to a dinner/wine tasting next month. It was way too late to call back but I would definately go and needed to tell her. I send an email.... so impersonal ....  and promised a followup phone call the next day. I need to get $50 to her and we agreed to maybe get together on Saturday. Saturday! That's, like, date night? I wish I had perspective. I still don't get a vibe from her that means anything other than she would like to be my friend. Part of me really wants to shy away from another woman who I like way too much to want friendship. All I really need is to be a little more aggressive but in a way that doesn't create tension. Well, maybe a little tension.  

So I will try to take some action and have some more substance for this thing. Maybe make it worth reading one day.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I need to vent

Been running through my mind what has been happening with Lisa and I since we kissed on Labor Day. She is really keeping her distance. She initially seemed really confused... confessed to me that she couldn't sleep for 2 nights. So for the last 3 weeks she isn't as accessable and while this may be because she has quite a bit on her plate it's more than likely by design. Obviously she doesn't want to deal us as more than friends. I feel that down deep. And since I get that vibe I don't really want to spend too much time with her either. She's probably thinking if she stays away long enough it can all blow over.

I wonder what her sister Ellen said to her last weekend. She was there Saturday and Sunday. I can't figure out whether Ellen has influence over Lisa or not. I thought maybe she was pushing Lisa towards me last month and that's why Lisa was so open to the idea of us having more. But since then nothing has really happened.... in fact we are less close.

I've been thinking I should put my feeling into poetry. I'm not much of a poet but I want to touch her somehow. Right now all I have is jumbled up words and feeling that I am unable to express. Maybe if I write a poem I can read it to her and she will see how deep my feelings go.

Part of me wants to just let it all go and make a pass at Janet. I am so afraid of falling down.... it's not like I'm walking a tight-rope with out a net. I just need to feel something back before I can step off the edge. I will try to do this tonight.... poetry.

The lonely weekend is over

This past weekend started with such promise. I picked Lisa up at the airport at 10:30 p.m. and took her and 2 of her friends home. A stop in Brooklyn, then Queens, before getting to her house in Hicksville at a little past 1. We went inside and enjoyed a glass of wine but I was so tired I went home immediately with the promise we would talk on Saturday.

That never happened as she was at her yoga center then her sister's all weekend. I got a call late Sunday night but I'm a little more than bummed out that I only saw her when I was tired and cranky.

Janet went to Block Island with all the people I'd been seeing at the beach this summer. I got an email that they are back and we can have dinner and get details next weekend.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Getting through the week.

Not much to say. Nothing much is going on. Staying focused and working hard is pretty much all I've got right now.

Sunday was a fairly busy day. I went to the beach and got some sun. Janet made an appearance and it was nice to see her as always. The group, including Janet are all going to Block Island this coming weekend and I was invited but I fould that it was more money than I can afford.

In fact I am overdrawn at the bank by more than $300 and I've got all of a dollar in my pocket. Very sad state of affairs right now. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, lonely winter. I get paid on Thursday. I should survive until then.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Saturday night at home

No money, no friends, no life.

Spent the day domestically. Cleaning, vacuuming, laundry. Al full day of household chores. It was supposed to be a rainy day but iy was actually sunny most of the day. Hot and muggy too.

Lisa made it to Arizona. I got several text messages. I wonder how much she sends text messages to others. She won't love me but she loves talking to me. I will pick her up next Friday. She wanted to make sure I could go out with other people if I had other plans.

Something strange happened on Thursday night. Her car wouldn't start and she called me for help. It seemed like she had no gas but she said she had plenty of gas. So I looked and couldn't get it started so I decided to call for a tow truck. You see, my brother-in-law Kenny has a towing business. Lisa was worried about how much it would cost and I told her "don't worry about it - you're family." She momentarily freaked out... like I'd stepped over some kind of line. I told her to relax, just that Kenny knows you and you are like family. Of course I wish she really was family. Not happening and if there was ever a "tell" that was a big one. Still never really talked about it though.

I can go to the beach in the chance that Janet will be there. Or I can go to Lonnie's house and watch the Jets/Miami game. I am to call her first so maybe I'll decide at the last minute. Yeah, that's working for me.

Friday, September 16, 2005

My morning trip to the airport

Needed to get up early this morning to drive Lisa to the airport. She is going to Sedona fior a week. I overslept but we made it in plenty of time. So I left in such haste I skipped a shower and shave. I'm really icky.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Feeling normal at last

I got a phone call from Lisa last night. Mostly talked about her coming trip to Sedona, AZ. I'll be taking her to the airport early on Friday morning. I feel like she just wants to erase the kiss we shared. I'm working on it. Maybe we will talk in the car but I hope not. I'm ready to move on but still want to hold on to something even if it's only a fantasy. She gets back in a week at 10:30 next Friday. She told me if I had something else to do I didn't have to pick her up. Like I would just let her get off the plane and not want to be there. Maybe I should.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Thoughts of a new day

I've been thinking about how needy I feel. I thought I had a good handle on things but I don't. I really miss hearing from Lisa. I am trying to convince myself that she is processing and on top of that she is preparing for her trip to Sedona. I hope that's true but deep down I know she doesn't want to deal with the fact that we can't have what I want... what I've always wanted ... what I will probably always want. Her and I to grow old together. I going to be fine. I have some regret but nt much really. I feel good we had a moment and don't expect more that that. But if she tells me she can't be with me that way I need to prepare how I can handle that. My heart won't change. It will hurt. Even if I've made myself prepared. It still hurts. She knows that. She is avoiding that moment. That is what I believe. 

I'll find a distraction soon. I always do.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Things get back to normal

Monday was a very quiet day. No emails from Janet... and no phone call from Lisa. I promised myself I would talk about what happened with Lisa to anyone, and yet that's all I can do. I want to have it again but can't so I talk about it to death. I was hoping this blog would allow me to process this stuff without venting on all my friends but that doesn't seem possible.

I did get a nice email from Laura and Eileen called me to wish me a happy birthday. That should be something. Eileen is married but we were friends since before and we seem to have an ability to talk things out pretty well. She thinks little of Lisa because she has pretty much been along for the ride since we met. She thinks a new thing with Janet has more possibilities that anything I could ever have with Lisa. Perhaps that is true. Especially if Lisa can't get past whatever it is that is freaking her out now.  

Monday, September 12, 2005


I'm going somewhere - just wish I knew where. I'll get there.

Didn't see Lisa at all. Spent practically all weekend arounf Janet and her friends. Not anything like a date but really was enjoying the fact that we are close. Of course my big mouth always tripping me up. I've got to send her an email this morning just to try and keep the energy flowing.

I need to start from the beginning.... So I didn't hear from Lisa about Friday night and I knew she was working and probably not able to go out anyway so I reached out to Janet and made a plan to see her at Steamboat. Her words.... "I'mk not doing anything anyway so sure I'll meet you there." Oof... not really a date but at least I'm not sitting next to the phone waiting to hear bad news from Lisa. Best thing to do is to keep out there. So I am get there about 7 thinking Janet would be there soon, but turns out she was home waiting to hear from me. It turns out okay as she got her friend Sue and they both came at around 8. I almost left too.

So we chatted it up and I bought her a drink and she asked if I wanted to come to her house for a family barbeque on Saturday at around 4. I said I would like to but I had to do something until 6 could I come late. I figured I would go to Joe's little boat party first and leave and hang out at Janet's. Still not a date but good.

I am at Joe's and at around 3 and I called Lisa's cell and left a message. I felt like I was cheating. She called and said she just wanted to stay home and relax. So I said I would be at the party. Didn't say anything about Janet's. I was considering asking her to go to that. Could I do that? Nah! So I had my out. She said if I wanted I could always come by. I'll tell her about Janet but not yet.

So I went to Janet's late and enjoyed some beer and she has a fire pit. Very family oriented. Her 3 kids were all there and her mom, and brother and some other people. It was a really great night and we ran out of wood at around 11 so everyong left. I took my queue from that and didn't over stay my welcome. Part of me thought I could stay and play my hand but with the kids all upstairs I thought I should go. Last thing Janet said was we could meet at the beach Sunday.

The vibe I have been getting from Lisa is that she wants to not get involved with me in a sexual way, but she really isn't ready to tell me so we pretty much didn't talk at all this past weekend. Just a short conversation on Saturday afternoon.

So I don't really feel that good right now. The one thing I want I can't have. I just don't see anything really happening with Janet. She is beautiful and bright and I could make it my life mission to make her happy if only I could let go of Lisa.

Sunday at the beach was really fun. I am starting to think Janet is looking at me more. It's time for my to get off the pot and take more chances. I won't let my next oppurtunity slip away. This is a promise I make to myself.

Friday, September 9, 2005

I'm too tired to think

It's very hard to explain how I feel. I had no contact with Lisa yesterday. I don't want to read too much into that but it's very hard not to feel sad. God, maybe I am too needy. I know what I know and if she needs to really think this much I don't think I even want her. I never believed she really could love me anyway but I get my hopes up anyway. I'm already preparing myself for what I will say when she tries to explain to me how she feels. I already know. I don't want to even hear it. I am thinking I should avoid her this weekend. Let her stew a bit. I could take the boat over to Port Washington alone and hang out Saturday night with the scuba group.

Sent out some emails yesterday trying to get other things going so I don't just leave myself alone and depressed. I took the boat out for a sail last night and invited Janet, who didn't respond. I left a voice message on Tracy's cell phone. Nothing back from her either. I also sent Carolyn an email hello but the answer came late last night. It would be so ironic if I ended up involved with a married woman. Never, ever wanted to go there but my ego has suffered so much I feel that I could take affection pretty much from anywhere.

So the weekend is coming up and I don't have a clue what to expect. In my head I play out a scenario that has my boat in Port Wash and Lisa comes to Joe's party and joins me overnight. Fantasy world is so much better that my reality. I still think that will be what I prepare for unless something else falls my way. You want to bet something else will?

Thursday, September 8, 2005

She's thinking way too much

I went to see Lisa after she got off of work last night. Almost 11 p.m. We just relaxed and had wine. Almost started to discuss what happened last weekend and she cut me off. She just wanted to relax and so did I. Sort of. I was thinking we could do more kissing but obviously she is freaking more than a little bit. I know this is a mistake but I'll give her some space and let her be.

Problem with that is if she is thinking that much it only means she doesn't really have the strong feelings I do and probably never will. Do I really want to try to convince her of how good we could be? I don't think love works that way. Love should just "happen".

She actually is losing sleep over this. Frankly so am I. I have pretty much convinced myself she won't ever make this step and sometimes I think I should just tell her that we had a nice moment but we are friends and that is all we can ever be. Beat her to the punch so to speak. We should never have sex. If we did I wouldn't be able to see her without wanting more. I don't want to stop seeing her but I might have to if we go too far and she knows that better than I do.

When we met years ago she had a friend Dave who she spent time with in much the same way she and I do now. They tried to go from friends to a relationship but then broke it off almost right away. Now they never see each other although I'm not sure why. I can only guess but I have to think that Dave's ego took too a big hit and he can't really go back to being friends. Maybe Lisa doesn't want to repeat that mistake. She may be right about that too. I'm not sure I would be any different than Dave. I did, after all refuse to see my last girlfriend, Trish after she broke up with me. I later regretted that but still think it was the right thing to do.

Problem is that I truly love Lisa. I think I will always love her. As much as I've tried to stop loving her I just can't seem to shake this feeling that we are supposed to be more than friends. Everyone sees it I think. Her sister told me we should get married, my ex-wife already thinks we are together, my family always asks how she is, Lonnie said we will end up together, and deep down in my soul I almost see it all happening. The more time I spend with other people the more I realize how much I want Lisa. Even Janet, who can just take my breath away, con't come close to Lisa.

So these are desperate times for me now. My fate lies in Lisa's hands and after 3 days I am pretty sure she wants to leave things as they are. I think if something was going to happen last night was the time.  

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

More on weekend

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OK.... details....

Lisa and I spent the weekend out on my sailboat along with her sister Ellen, and her family includes husband Frank, and kids Phil and Michael. We all had a nice time overnighting together in the bay. It was a little crowded but really what I love.

So after the family left and it was just Lisa and I, I insisted on taking a shower as we hadn't in almost 3 days. After I showered Lisa took her turn and I tossed her a bath towel and she was in the very cramped bathroom and I noticed her fresh clothes were outside the door. So we were talking through the wall I made us a drink and then out she comes wrapped in a way too small towel. Oops... should have given her more towel.... but instead I just enjoyed the view. She kind of stood there letting me. As she stepped back in the bathroom- really called a head on a boat - she said something like she "would change ... or not"... whoa I thought. So she was thinking like I was.... so when she came out dressed I said how much I like her but after so much time it's strange to think of her any different than as like a sister but.... then I started to lean in for a kiss and then stopped and said "this is too weird". Well, I don't remember what she said except I felt a little energy and then just did it.    

I put my lips on hers and felt her slowly relax her mouth and we had a short but sweet kiss. It was the strangest sensation and I wanted it to be all about the kiss and not all fast and lusty. So it was slow and wet and really good. So then she pushed me back and straddled over me and she kissed me. It was a good 30 seconds of making out. That might not sound like much but it felt like somewhere between a flash and an eternity. I guess time lost all meaning for a few moments.... is it possible that time actually stood still? I'm probably getting to prosaic.

So after than we kissed once more and then talked a little more and I was a little disappointed that we stopped I am really glad to have had that moment. While driving her home we held hands in the car.... and for a change it didn't feel odd.

So now it's 2 days later and I am trying to not get too crazy about it. I am pretty sure Lisa is freaking a little. I sent her a text message to her cell and she responded with a short answer. Then she called me late last night and we just talked like always. Part of me wants to talk about it but I think I go back to Laura's advice from a month ago. Stop analyzing and dissecting every little thing and be what I have always been. Me. Relax and enjoy and don't make it all too important.



Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Wild weekend

I kissed Lisa! Went for it. And she kissed back. Just a kiss and you would think at 49 I would be past getting excited about this but no!

Friday, September 2, 2005

Friday - The weekend is coming!

Haven't put anything in this all week. My birthday was Tuesday and I had dinner with my sister's family. It was great. I felt like I was really special. I'll get over it. But it's my last birthday before the big 5-oh.

Had some wine with Lisa last night and discussed what we are doing over the weekend. Can't get a read on her anymore. She invited me to camping with her sister Ellen's family and I would love to go but it's also probably the last good weekend on the boat so I was non-committal. I really wanted her to come on the boat with me and she seemed to be leaning towards that. I wasn't expecting that so now I am waiting to hear back.

Her other sister Judi will be home from the hospital today! If you've read my earlier postings you will see that there was a time when I thought she was never going to recover and we would be going to a funeral soon. Now she is in much better shape and after 6 weeks is finally able to go home.

My dad on the other hand went into the hospital in Florida yesterday. With mom away in Italy my sister Maryliz took a flight down yesterday to take care of things until mom returns. All this I found out after the fact late last night. Dad suffers from severe emphysema from 50 years of smoking and even though he gave up cigarettes 15 years ago he is now looking more and more terminal. He got a slight cold and tried oxygen for the first time and didn't do well. Hopefully he will recover in about 2 weeks. It's possible I may need to go down there in a week or so.

Got an email from Carolyn this morning. Hopefully I'll meet her again soon. She is married so this can't go very far. She says she is practically seperated but who knows how much of that is true.

Might be on the beach with Janet and her friends. I know I pretty much said I would be there so fully expect to do that. Janet is a good and true friend even if I want to get to firstbase and she won't let me. I still enjoy every minute we are hanging out.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's my birthday

That's right .... my birthday. Today I am 49. I never imagined I would ever be this old. I cringe at the thought of being 50 next year. So far I've gotten a card in the mail from Brenda (my ex-wife) and an email brithday greeting from Carolyn (the married woman). I did have a birthday dinner with Lisa last Saturday. I could be having dinner with Janet if I'd pursued it. Maybe just a drink would be better. Of course I expect Joe will be in touch with me and want to make a birthday plan. I should put out a message that I will be in Walls' Wharf and see if anyone shows up. Hmmm.... more later.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Vacation ends and it's back to the office

Well.... so I didn't get lucky during my vacation. At least I came close and I certainly managed to have some fun. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm not the guy who can just have casual sex.

I never did see Tracy during the 2 weeks I was off even though she was home. The only attempt failed when she wouldn't go to the beach and I said she could call me and she never did. She seems to only focus on the fact that she has pain in her knee even after surgury. I pretty much just gave up on her as she couldn't even have a conversation about anything else.

Saw Janet out on Friday night and also at the beach Saturday. I was invited to come along to the trip being planned to Block Island and it certainly is reasonably priced but I just can't come up with any extra money. So I turned her down. Can you believe that? I can't get over that wall anyway.

Lisa and I had dinner Saturday and then went down to the ocean at Tobay Beach. We dipped our feet in the surf and I ended up getting soaked and covered in sand. Still we had so much fun.

That's about it.... just that I had hoped to see more of Carolyn but since she's not divorced or even seperated I think I should not look to her for more than anything but friendship. Of course I did email her this morning.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Strange day in a good way

So I thought I might get laid today ... from a very unusual source too. Went to the boat to repair the leaky head that has been an issue all summer and fixed it. Yea!

So while doing the repair I saw Nancy's sister Carolyn and some guy she was with Andy. So I'd always thought Carolyn was married and of course she kind of is. Has 3 kids and a husband who sort of isn't around. Especially not so much today. She and Andy came on my boat for a sail. Andy is another unhappily married person. Now I will take anyone for a sail if it means I get to enjoy a nice day on the water. But Carolyn was into more than just sailing. She was coming on to me like no one has in YEARS. I was liking it too. So we enjoyed a nice day on the water and Andy was a good sailor and was an able galley mate. But I was looking at other things.

So Carolyn and I were swimming and grabbing and we were obviously a little drunk but mostly getting into each other. She kept kissing me, for crying out load. So as Andy and Carolyn were leaving I gave her a bucket full of trash knowing she would need to bring the empty back. So when she did I asked her onboard again and I thought we were totally having sex. We were drinking wine and kissing when who shows up again but Andy. I thought he was gone! You know he is a married guy but he is dealing with divorce so I thought he had headed home but NO! He was back. Maybe staking his terrortory. So I told him to have a drink with us. Then Carolyn had to head home. Bye bye.

So tomorrow I'm supposed to go out on HER boat. Andy is doubtful as he has to go to work. You think he will show up?  Stay tuned.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Spending more time thinking than doing.

My vacation has only 3 days left and while the weather could not be better I've been unable to take any advantage of it. I really got to get my ass out the door tomorrow. I need to make a change even if I won't be doing anything more exciting than I am at home. At least I've been staying within budget... well, sort of.

Sent an email to Janet, if for no other reason than to see if I'd get any response. She wrote back that the girls in the "beach club" were asking about me. They weren't the ones I wanted to know about but it is something. Friday night there are drinks at the Steamboat. I am planning to go and in fact I think I will take the sailboat. I've always wanted to do that.

I keep thinking about Lisa... almost back to obsessing. I haven't heard from her at all this week, nor have I heard from Tracy. I guess if no one is calling I should get the hell away.

Monday, August 22, 2005

More than a week later

Everyone seems to have left me. I guess it's my own fault. I had asked Tracy to go to the beach and she pretty much bailed on me on Friday. She keeps saying her knee is bad and she has pain she didn't expect while the Docs keep telling her it is normal after surgury pain. So she can't do anything.

Janet seems to be gone. I didn't reach out to her either of the last 2 weekends so I guess I should have expected that. She just isn't that into me. We will probably reconnect when I get the courage to give her a call. Right now I've $15 until Thursday so I'm laying low.

Lisa is still Lisa. I really do love her. She called me 3 times yesterday. Why? Just to keep me informed as to her doings. How does she not love me? I get all the girlfriend type treatment. But still we just watch TV with no real affection. God. I need someone to hold me.

I'm sure we are all sick of the status quo. I must do something to make a change. Maybe make a pass at the next girl.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

My life and welcome to it

Midnight swim with Lisa. Yeah - that's right. Only Lisa would be not only willing to do it but actually suggested it. Last night we had dinner and after that when to the boat for a relaxing glass of wine.... which means the entire bottle. Anyway, it was real hot and Lisa wanted to swim so I let go of the dock and we motered out to a spoy off of Sands Point and enjoyed a very refreshing swim. Since Lisa had no suit she just wore a tee shirt and underwear. It was fun and sexy but I didn't get any or see any. As always Lisa made sure I kept my distance and I'm just never going to go there. Just can't, but still makes me love her more. I could have easily talked her into staying out overnight but she was concerned about things at home and really was only justifying her need to cut things off before they got too far.

So here I am on a hot Sunday and no one to take out on the boat. Yesterday Janet invited me to the beach again but I felt I was getting this group only friend from her and don't think I want that limit so I blew it off.

Called Tracy yesterday but didn't get to talk to her as she wasn't ansering her cell and didn't call back. She will eventually.  

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Email advice from a friend who cares

I sent an email that was pretty much the same as my Monday journal entry and she finally responded last night. I thought I might put some of her thoughtful comments in just for some balance;

Laura writes;

A) get a hold of yourself,buddy!!!! Do NOTHING impulsive.You sound like you had an awesome weekend which you now want to dissect,analyze,and figure out how you got there,how to get more,and how to make it into what you think you really want.You are in charge of and can control nobody but you,buddy,like it or not.The things you want will happen naturally if you step back and let it. (Mike writes: "geez, why didn't I think of that?")   B)Tracy has been a date(right?)---and she keeps coming back.Keep her in the date category, see her when you want to see her,don't jump at every offer if you have other plans,even tentative ones,EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU MIGHT END UP SPENDING TIME ALONE THAT DAY.Get to know her ,decide if you like her for her, not just because she likes you,and is a single woman who might fit your criteria.  


She sees things very clearly - no?  

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

When is a date not a date?

When Tracy cancels because her aunt and uncle stopped by. I guess that makes sense. There was no way I wanted to meet the relatives. Of course I thought she would call me after but never did. Once again, disappointment rules the day.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Going to see Tracy tonight

Is it a date? Funny thing about when a girl likes you.... all the diffeculty that comes with dating goes away. I just called her up and conversation just led into getting together tonight. We don't even have any plans.

Last night I struggled trying to get to sleep. Finally dropped off around 2 a.m. Don't really know why.

I wanted to see Lisa last night in the worst way. Just feeling like I need to talk to her about nothing in particular. I'm a little confused about where I'm going which can usually paralyze me into non-action. So I sent her a message to see if we could share a glass of wine outside at about 9:30. She didnt get back to me until my phone rang at 11:30 at night. We couldn't have much conversation as her phone kept dropping out. I feel us really drifting apart. Sooner or later we will get together.

Friday night I have dinner plans with Lee. Not really wanting to go but she has been trying to lose weight I am curious to see how she is doing. I never really noticed that she had gained and didn't think she was that heavy until recently. There was once a time where I would have been considering her romantically but not anymore. She is still a woman though and if she was to seduce me I probably would cave. Thank God she won't ever do that.