Never give up, Never surrender

I finally had a conversation with Janet although not the kind I've been hoping for. She kind of snuck up on me at the bar while I was playing pool on Sunday afternoon. I'd just won a game over Harry who had ruled the pool table for over an hour. So I got some quarters out and beat him. Pretty much the entire bar was focused on it too. So after that in rolled Janet and Roberta. Janet's daughter is getting married in 6 weeks and they had just come from the bridal shower. So Janet gets me aside and wanted to talk and I said I'd like to but now was not a good time. Then I kind of let her know she and I were okay and not to think we weren't. With that she started to try to get me to ease up on Roberta as well. I just said we can talk when we aren't "under the influence". Probably not going to happen until I get back from Florida. We also briefly discussed both of our job situations. She is in a tough spot as she feels that the change in management is about to make sweeping changes and she will be pushed out the door. I mentioned I'm in a better position than she is but I have my own stressful situation. With that we ended our conversation and I went back to playing pool. On Saturday night I found myself talking to someone new. I'm holding off giving out the name unless we re-connect but still, "it" hasn't happened in a while. I've been hoping to make something happen, like a date, just so I know I still can. There was a band and we were chatting at the bar between songs. I didn't get a bad vibe and I did feel like she had some interest. Before the end of the night I gave her my phone number on a bar napkin. I saw her put it into her cell phone which makes me feel like she is considering calling me. She didn't give me her number though so I'm not expecting anything will happen. But, I haven't given up. Still have hopes.

A posting about 800 lb. gorilla and an olive branch

When I finished work on Monday, instead of doing what I should do, which would be going to the gym, I went into the bar to relax and hopefully just have a conversation. I expected to see Jimmy there and maybe play a little pool. But I go in and there was Coleen there and pretty much no one else. I sat next to her and she went on a little about how her mom is not doing so well. Her mom struggles with depression so bad that she is on medication that seems to lose it's effectiveness from time to time. So we talked about that and also how I just kind of slipped out on Sunday after the parade.

It's funny as she really never even said a word to me Sunday and the fact that she even noticed I was gone probably escaped her for a long time. Yet Monday there I was talking to her and then she was asking if I'd like to have dinner with her at her house. At first I resisted because her mom was sick but she was very insistent and I did like the idea so I finally agreed. We each needed to run an errand so I said I would get there about 20 minutes after she did. With that she left and Lynnie (the bartender) just casually mentioned that she overheard the conversation and was a little surprised that she would invite me there with her mom being sick. I responded that I am one of the few people that actually like her parents and they seem to like me and I could actually cheer her mom up. And I actually believe this too. Sometimes I look at it as the kiss of death as Coleen, like what seems like all women, really is only attracted to men that her family dislikes.

So I went there and enjoyed a nice dinner. Her mom was up and around although just in a bathrobe. I stayed and ate and left by 8 PM. It was an okay dinner. At least it got me out of the house.

Tuesday Lisa sent me an email asking if I was interested in seeing some music in the City that night. I hesitated but decided I need to distraction and I so rarely spend any time with Lisa anymore. I figured what the hell. Turned out it was Lisa and her two sisters, Ellen and Sally going along with Sally's boyfriend. That meant five of us in a compact car. And the evening ended up running me $60. Other than that I had a enjoyable evening, although getting home at 12:30 then getting up at quarter to six for work today is proving to be challenging.

Also on Monday I put the RSVP to the weeding of Janet's daughter in the mail. I'm going even though right now we aren't really talking. The wedding is May 7th and I figure by then we will have probably worked it out. Even Coleen was urging me to just let it go when we spoke Monday. Of course, Coleen doesn't know what was said that is making me so upset. I know that all I really need is to just be heard but as each day passes I can tell that I may never get that. The problem is I feel like we will always have that 800 lb. gorilla in the room until it gets dealt with. I'm wondering if she will finally talk to me once she sees my acceptance to the wedding. I am hoping that is some kind of olive branch.

Lonely is me

Change is slow and it's a struggle right now. My town had it's annual St. Patrick's Parade on
Sunday and I went for what must be the 5th year in a row. I'd taken pictures all the other times but this year I decided to leave the camera home. I just figured it would be the same as all the other years and that's exactly how it went. Sunny day, lots of pipe bands and some beer at the bar. I needed to park a little farther away than usual so I had a 2 block hike to the bar. As I was walking in the door who comes out but Roberta and Janet. I just said hello and kept going. Went inside and saw my friends that still talk to me; Jimmy, Coleen, Tony and a few others. I held off getting a beer for a while on the off chance that Janet might come by so she could talk to me. She didn't. I'm currently sitting with an invitation to her daughter's wedding that I want to go to but not the way I feel right now. I want to RSVP but I am considering not even going. If yesterday was any indication of how it will go then maybe everyone would be better off with me staying away.
Well, Janet never did talk to me and I was fine with that. For some reason I spent the parade standing alone. Maybe I was giving off a "leave me alone" vibe or maybe it was just coincidence but barely anyone spoke to me all day. After the parade I enjoyed the free corned beef and cabbage and was talking to Evelyn, who is married to Bruce, another regular. Since no one else wanted to engage me in anything I just started talking to her. Evelyn was at one time a really attractive barmaid, way before I met her, but now she looks really tired and used up. She drinks way to much and seems like she is hospitalized about every three months to dry out. But she still drinks and she seems to like me. So we chatted up for a while and when she said she needed to go I figured it was time for me to go as well since I needed to see Lisa at her house later. I looked around the bar and thought I should say good-bye. But I saw Janet and she looked like she had too much to drink and rather than deal with that I just headed out the door without a word to anyone. Part of me was hoping people saw me leave with Evelyn, even though once we were out the door we went in opposite directions. Just gave then more crap to talk about.
From there I went and saw Lisa. Her family was at her house to celebrate he parents anniversary and they all know me for a long time so I knew I'd be welcome. It was nice to see everyone but her dad is struggling with Parkinson's and he was having a bit of an event. So I was only there an hour and from there I went home. And that was the highlight of my weekend.

Typical day

It was a tough day. I'm having lots of issues at work and I don't need it right now. All kinds of little things that usually crop up over the span of weeks seem like are all happening at once. And I have managers who only care about there own issues and aren't helpful at all. But I can't afford to get too stressed as i need to keep working. I can't imagine what would happen if I needed to find other work.
I got home and my sister called to see if I'd have dinner with her and Ken, my bro-in-law. I was considering going out but that worked out much better. Other than late night on Saturday I've been away from the bar for a week which means I have not seen or heard from any of the happy hour people. I am only feeling a little lonely. Of course it's not Friday yet.

Nobody's guy

Having trouble getting things to work just about everywhere in my life. I tried to do taxes over the weekend and got stuck. Since I bought a new home I have lots of deductions but no idea which ones are allowed. I'll get if figured out eventually.
Saturday night I was being a real shut in. Then the phone rings and I see it's Janet calling. She must have thought I'd be out because when I picked up I could hear crown noises and then she hung up. Then within 10 minutes she sent me a text asking if we could talk on Sunday. I said sure. Well, it never happened. She obviously really doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
I didn't so much other than that over the weekend. Had dinner at my sister's twice and maybe going there again for St Pat's Day. No calls or text messages from Coleen. I'm not even sad about that. I need space from her anyway. Maybe now I can just let her go. Or rather she will let me go. Been there before and hasn't worked but this time it feels different. I'd been wanting to have all the bitch non-girlfriend girls go so I'm coping. Made my own bed.

It's lonely being right

I have been fighting a cold all week and I've still managed to get into work every day. I had 2 projects move to production at once so there was no missing work or even trying to work from home. One of the projects had been in development for over a year so it's good to see it gone from my desk.
So I worked all day Wednesday and was struggling with the whole sneezing, queasy stomach, and my eyes felt like they were being squeezed. All I wanted was to go home and sleep. None of my friends were reaching out to me but I'll get to that later. After work I boarded a train home and wanted to just close my eyes while the train drove me home. I must say one of the great things about my commute home is I do get to relax a bit for the ride home. So as I drifted into a nap my cell phone rings and it's my somewhat new project manager. I wasn't thrilled when she was hired but I figured I have to report to someone so trying to make the best of it. I've been working on the same applications for close to 18 years and someone from the outside can't really know how things work. One of the good things about my work life right now is no one can really mess with me too much as I know no one can replace me. That may not be true a year from now. So anyway my new project manager is a woman who is Asian-Indian so right away I'm dealing with whatever cultural differences there may be. The other dynamic is she was hired for her technical ability and not her experience with the type of business we are - Health care. I find this odd but not surprising since the director also lacks health care experience.
I get a call on the train telling me I had not delivered some documents that I had been asked for and had working on the night before. My first thought was I'd forgotten to send then even though I did finish them. So I apologized and now my evening was screwed up and I could barely keep my eyes open. I got home an d looked and sure enough I had sent the info the night before at 6:09 PM. I called her and told her she had it from the night before. She said the even though she did have them she wanted me to resend them. My guess is she was using this as an excuse for her inability to get her work done. My being sick with a cold made everything seem fuzzy. One of my busiest days and sick too. Can't call in sick.
So I get through my day yesterday as best I can but I know I really need to rest. I hope I can do that this weekend. There was no going out this week which is just as well. I get a sense that no one really wants me around right now. I don't expect to hear from Janet ever again. Coleen had been a little cold to me. Probably Jami told her some things that I've said that paint a picture of me that I've kept hidden as much as I could. Or maybe she spoke to Janet. All the bitches sticking together.... maybe not but I do know it's been real quiet. I know I'm right but it can be lonely. I'm considering whether or not I ever want to hang out with any of them.

New Directions

I am suffering with a bit of a cold today. Started sneezing and now I'm half way through a box of kleenex. I could see it coming since I can't seem to get a good night sleep any more. Why am I so emotional?
I never had any contact with Janet so I assume she isn't interested in what I have to say. I'm sure she is matching my anger and I was starting to feel like maybe I've overreacted. But then I went back and reread my blog entry from after the night of the incident where she and Roberta pretty much said the most harsh things anyone had ever said about a friend of mine and then I got angry all over again. They called Coleen trailer park trash and she had slept with half of the town. Now I remember why I was so hurt and felt the need to go right back at them, You see they both have what I call recreational sex and one night stands with who ever, even married guys. So it's like they think they are better than people. They needed to know that I know better. It definitely went too far but it needed to.
I do wonder if I didn't see it coming and maybe even somehow made sure it would. I'm only slightly sad about loss of friends. If I apologize it will be after there is someone else apologizing first.
I went to happy hour Monday night and just had a word with Coleen and told her I don't expect to speak with Janet so if Coleen wants closure it doesn't look like it will happen any time soon. She said we are fine but I could tell there is still bad feelings for her and she probably wants to distance herself from me. Again I feel like maybe this isn't such a bad thing as I am so tired of finding myself in the company of women who see me only as a friend.
On that note my Monday night ended on a slight high point. I got home and met Ester, my single next door neighbor and we enjoyed a long chat. I got a sense that she wants to get to know me better. I can't imagine how anything would work with a neighbor but at this point I dismiss nothing.

Bitches

Not sure how I did this but things have gone from bad to worse. I needed to open my fat mouth. I made the mistake of telling Coleen about what happened to make me upset at Janet. When she found out it was about her, she kind of flipped out. Immediately got on ther phone and sent a text to Janet. Called her a bitch I think. I'm not really sure what I had expected. I just figured I'd been holding that in for so long she just needed to know. I really just wanted an ally. I had a lot more to say but never got the chance to say it. What I got was a maniac.
Okay ... from the beginning then. Wednesday night I took Coleen out for dinner to our favorite Indian restaurant. Things were fine and I'd decided I wouldn't mention the Janet thing but then she mentioned it. In fact she insisted. So I told her. She got mad. She made me call Janet. Then she called Janet. Then she kind of let it go for the time being. She was actually okay with me when the night ended.
Of course I wasn't prepared for the shit storm that followed. There were some emails and other conversations I have yet to hear about. I don't know who she spoke to or what she was told but she's not talking to me right now. On Thursday I went to the bar figuring I could see her there but she wasn't there. She did text me there but I missed it for about 20 minutes. First she asked if I was okay. While I didn't respond right away she must have gotten annoyed with me. When I realized she wanted to discuss "the Janet thing" I called her and got voicemail. She must have shut her phone off. Iy wasn't even 7 o'clock.
I didn't find out she was not talking to me until Friday when she sent me a text that said I need to fix things. Not sure how. She saw me in the bar and said hello but then left without even looking at me. Part of me just wants to walk away from the whole thing and let the bitches sort it out. I am seriously considering that. It's not like I'm banging any of them. Yet here I am on Saturday night thinking the last thing I want to do is go out and deal with any of them.

Up All Night In a Bad Way.

I am not sure if I can continue this any more. I've managed to push all my female friends out of my life. I'm just disgusted with all the games they seem to play. Like they can skank around one day and tell me who I like is skanky. And none of them look at me as any more than entertainment. I feel like I'm a pair of big floppy shoes away from being the clown to them.
It's true they all like me and call me now and then. When they ask my opinion it seems like there is value in what I say.
But when it comes to having someone special they would all ... and I mean all ... rather sneak off for a quick fuck and not look back. I would probably be fine with this if any time I got the look or a phone call that said I have a level of sexuality that has appeal. So I'm done hanging out with women as a friend. I can't figure out how to do that but it seems it's already happened with Janet, Roberta and Lisa. Lisa got engaged so that has to happen. Janet and Roberta I'm just tired of. I might be lonely for a while but I do have plenty of friends ... but what I really need is to date someone. I want to put it out there.
Meanwhile I need to decide if this blog is worth doing. There is no one who loves me so it's kind of stupid going on about that day after day. As I re-read all the old postings I see Coleen's name over and over. She is still vexing me even though she gives me more attention than anyone. Last night was her birthday and she had a bunch of people to her house to celebrate. Of course she wanted me there first and I stay longer than anyone. She had Tommy there and it looks like they made up but it it hard to tell as he wasn't coming at first. Then he showed up and you could barely tell they sleep together. I wanted to leave early enough so that the last thing I would see was the two of them. But Tommy beat me to the punch and was out the door well ahead of me. Coleen asked me to stay a while and we sat and talked alone outside while she had a cigarette. We got to talking about how much I miss Janet but I'm just not ready for any conversation. She wanted details about what has me upset ... I wanted to tell Coleen it's because I spend time with her but I made it more about all my other friends that she doesn't like. Then I told her the details about how she can't really tell me about what I do when she is sneaking around with Bunky. Coleen sail "what's the big deal. Even I've slept with Bunky." What? She said it was fun ... ugh. She was actually tell me more but I stopped her. "Why do I need to know this?" I said. Why has this guy been everywhere I want to go? With that I said goodnight and went home, my head spinning.
So I went to bed and got no sleep. Zero. And I hadn't slept well the prior night either so I am in a very bad place today. Tired but can't relax. I kept thinking that I remembered something and went and looked at an old posting from September 2009 and sure enough I read where she kind of disappeared one night after a brief conversation with him and I noted it but never really gave it much thought. Now I'm wondering how many times that's happened with anyone else.
And now I'm supposed to have dinner with her tonight. I think I'm going to tell her stuff that may mean the end of another friendship with a girl. But I feel like if I don't I may never get another night of sleep.
I need to hear from someone or I'm done with blog. It may be time for a change anyway.