Monday, March 21, 2011

Lonely is me

Change is slow and it's a struggle right now. My town had it's annual St. Patrick's Parade on
Sunday and I went for what must be the 5th year in a row. I'd taken pictures all the other times but this year I decided to leave the camera home. I just figured it would be the same as all the other years and that's exactly how it went. Sunny day, lots of pipe bands and some beer at the bar. I needed to park a little farther away than usual so I had a 2 block hike to the bar. As I was walking in the door who comes out but Roberta and Janet. I just said hello and kept going. Went inside and saw my friends that still talk to me; Jimmy, Coleen, Tony and a few others. I held off getting a beer for a while on the off chance that Janet might come by so she could talk to me. She didn't. I'm currently sitting with an invitation to her daughter's wedding that I want to go to but not the way I feel right now. I want to RSVP but I am considering not even going. If yesterday was any indication of how it will go then maybe everyone would be better off with me staying away.
Well, Janet never did talk to me and I was fine with that. For some reason I spent the parade standing alone. Maybe I was giving off a "leave me alone" vibe or maybe it was just coincidence but barely anyone spoke to me all day. After the parade I enjoyed the free corned beef and cabbage and was talking to Evelyn, who is married to Bruce, another regular. Since no one else wanted to engage me in anything I just started talking to her. Evelyn was at one time a really attractive barmaid, way before I met her, but now she looks really tired and used up. She drinks way to much and seems like she is hospitalized about every three months to dry out. But she still drinks and she seems to like me. So we chatted up for a while and when she said she needed to go I figured it was time for me to go as well since I needed to see Lisa at her house later. I looked around the bar and thought I should say good-bye. But I saw Janet and she looked like she had too much to drink and rather than deal with that I just headed out the door without a word to anyone. Part of me was hoping people saw me leave with Evelyn, even though once we were out the door we went in opposite directions. Just gave then more crap to talk about.
From there I went and saw Lisa. Her family was at her house to celebrate he parents anniversary and they all know me for a long time so I knew I'd be welcome. It was nice to see everyone but her dad is struggling with Parkinson's and he was having a bit of an event. So I was only there an hour and from there I went home. And that was the highlight of my weekend.

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