Thursday, December 30, 2010

One Last Post - then bye bye Birdie

I don't expect to post again until after New Year's so this will be my last entry for 2010. I feel like I am a little ahead of the game so to speak. I put all my payments to my bills in the mail and there is still money left even after Christmas. All the money problems of the past have become non-issues. I do need to watch so I don't slip.
My plans for New Years Eve is a little different than years past. My typical night out would be to go to a bar and see friends and wait for midnight. Never get to see anyone outside my circle. But this year I will start off on a different track. I am going to see a movie at a Art Cinema. Then after the movie there will be food and then champagne with the other movie goers. Maybe I can actually find someone different to talk to.
But first we have tonight. I am off from work on Friday and so are many of my friends so we are planning to go out for dinner. I don't want to over do things since I don't do so well going out 2 nights in a row. We will see.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Year in Review

So many things happened this year. As always life was a roller coaster but I must say the good things outweighed the bad.
I guess the first thing I should mention is 2010 will always be remembered as the year my dad died. He was more than just my dad. He was my mentor, best friend and I will miss him terribly. He also taught me the you need to life life and not dwell on things that you can't change. So no matter what I will keep looking forward and believe that better things are right around the corner.
My other big event is buying a home that is truly mine. No longer will I ever have to feel that there is a chance I can find myself evicted on the whim of what ever a landlord decides. I am my own master. It took way too long. I find myself in the best possible position since before I was married.
I remember buying my own house more than 20 years ago and feeling proud that I could be owner of something so special. I thought I would live there forever. But that dream died with my failed marriage and I believed I could recover and rebuild but I always figured I would do it in the context of a relationship. Now I'm well over 50 and I need to concede that the time of having a wife and family are past and I need to embrace this next phase of my life. I have just a dozen working years left and I feel well situated to bridge those years in a place that is mine.
I have single friends who share the same fate as me and we all can rely on each other no matter what comes next. So even in my loneliness I am not alone. The people in the picture are myself, Tony, Chris and Coleen. Coleen called us her "man-tourage" which even though she said it with humor I still felt hurt. But it what I am and I need to recognize what my role is and make something happen somewhere else. This past year I've spent way too much energy on things that I'll never fix.
I did plenty on my boat in 2010 and I ended my season on a high note. I still didn't take any trips and haven't done any overnights in 2 years but I am making plans to change that next year. I have much to look forward to. I'm tired of waiting for a partner to join me. I'll go it alone now that I have an autohelm.
Just because I haven't found love doesn't mean I'm not going to feel complete. My resolution for next year is to keep doing things differently and stay focused on what ever is ahead. Watch me fly.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One holiday down and one to go

The presents have all been unwrapped and all the food has been eaten and everyone is starting to get on with the post Christmas blahs. The picture is the best I could get with my camera of the family at Christmas Eve. There are a few missing... including myself as I was unable to maneuver myself to get into the frame. Also missing is my brother's wife as she chose to not attend due to the troubles they are having with their marriage. I won't give details on that since they have little to do with me. Also not in the picture for the first time is my dad who passed away last February. It's a little sad not having him there. He always loved Christmas.
You will note there is a dog ... a little white poodle that may or may not become a part of Barry's family. It's supposed to go home with his mom-in-law but there is some debate how well she can care for it. The dog has also really become attached to Barry. He follows him around everywhere. It was fun to watch and I'll be sad if he goes to the mom.
The rest of the weekend went as usual. I had breakfast at my sister's because the plan to do at my house didn't really work out. It's just as well since I have difficulty getting my house in order when no one else helps. I did bring all bacon, eggs and bagels so it was still a good thing. After breakfast I got a text for Coleen so I went there to exchange presents. She got me a shirt and I gave her a necklace. She showed me a leather coat she got as a give from Tommy - the new guy / old guy in her life. I say that because I just found out their relationship stretches way back to before she met me. She is not keeping it a secret anymore so I guess I'll make the best of it.
Sunday it snowed and no one really went anywhere until Monday night. Except for me ... I went to the bar and watched some football before the heavy stuff started. So I did make my way into the bar for happy hour on Monday night that turned into a late event. Got home at about 10:30. I also got into a long discussion with Jimmy and Lynnie about what a mess Coleen is. Jimmy and I both have the same feelings for her and have been put into the friend zone for some reason. I was so jealous of their relationship last year but I also think he would have been a better guy than the ones she has been seeing. So I got to vent a little more and said things I'd been not telling anyone... but also found out things I hadn't known. She does have a pattern of having multiple partners going at the same time. I also learned of the details from her fender bender accident last winter. With that I'm just realizing she has so much more baggage that I doubt I would handle that for very long. At this moment I'm thankful we aren't any more than friends.
With that I have much to think about. I do feel I am in a better place today than I was. I can handle what ever comes.

Monday, December 27, 2010


Yes. I'm reminiscing. This is a picture of me from more than 30 years ago with the first girl who ever loved me. My reason for putting this picture into the blog wasn't supposed to be about her but to mention that I now have a new picture scanner that I can use to copy old pictures into digital format. So I can begin the process of taking pictures out of old shoe boxes and put them into email, blog and facebook. This also means I'll be looking to get myself a new PC.

To anyone who wonders what ever happened to the girl I can tell the story. I met Shari while I was in college and she was still a high school girl. Because she was much younger then me I at first resisted her but it wasn't long before we were a couple. Even though I was older I was very inexperienced. Together we learned about love and sex. I didn't know it at the time but she was the best partner I would ever know. At least up until now. We were together for over a year but then she went to college and by Thanksgiving we were no longer together.

We tried to stay friends but over the next year or so we spoke less and less. There was no email then so long distance meant there we were not able to even exchange a word as years went by. I've managed to talk to her a couple of times since now you can find anyone over the Internet. She is the smartest person I've ever known. She got a doctorate in Biology and then became an patent attorney. She also had a little boy about 8 years ago. She lives somewhere out of state and last I'd heard she had been engaged to someone for something like 20 years. She must have finally gotten married. The last time we spoke was about 10 years ago. It was during that conversation that I realized the girl I knew had changed and while I was glad she had done so well I was never the right guy for her. I found a more recent picture on the Internet. To me she looks about the same even 30 years later.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Live For Today

I've had a somewhat productive day at work. I have just a little time so I thought I could add some words to my blog. Can't really talk about what is happening since it's been so quiet and I am not seeing any of my friends.
Last night I got a text message from Shannon in South Dakota. She has a new cell and is notifying the world with her new digits. We had a little back and forth about nothing special. I don't know what it is about text messaging but it seems like you can go back and forth for hours and not really say anything. But it eases the loneliness having a person out there listening to my blather. I wonder if it's a single person thing or would I still want to text even when I'm sitting with someone.
I used to get a lot of random text messages ... first from Lisa and then a lot of them from Coleen. I think I go quite a few from Tracy at one time. They never really amount to anything. I think it is just lonely girls looking for anyone who responds.
It seems like I've gotten away from all that stuff recently. No online chats either. All my conversations are in real time. Which means I'm having very little social contact. It's leaving feeling very lonely and isolated. I think what scares me most is how I'm getting used to it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas in 4 days.

I was considering taking the day off from blogging but I'm home and the pc is on so ... here goes.
It will be Christmas in just a few days and I am ready as you can expect. I have enough presents and I think everyone will be happy. I just wish I could be happy. I'm not so sad or depressed, it's just the same story as all the other years. I don't feel that anyone wants to make my Christmas special.
But I will keep my eyes open and see. Right now I'm not feeling so optimistic. Probably the nature of Mondays. Hopefully as the week goes on it will pick up.
Still a lot to do this week too. Christmas day I have invited my family to brunch and still need to get the groceries. I'll make that happen Wednesday. Coleen had said something about shopping Wednesday afternoon but I'm not really expecting her to call about that. She tends to disappear from me during the week. I was happy to have her with me for all the shopping I did.
The rest of my friends I am having so many doubts about. They just haven't really been there lately. I wonder if I'm doing it. I just don't care if they hang out with me or not. Janet seems to be in this perpetual bad mood lately. She has been very judgmental and I'm not sure what to make of that. We did have a decent chat today and I may host a dinner between the holidays for some friends so I can look forward to that.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Quick note for weekend

Got almost all of my Christmas shopping done and much of it is thanks to Coleen. She and I went to many stores on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I never would have gotten it all done had I not been called by her. Still not getting anything romantic from her but she is a real friend who helped me get through all the stress of getting presents for all the people I needed to buy for. And she made it fun.
There is so much more including a death of someone who I am not very friendly with that Coleen knew and liked. But I am here on Sunday feeling like I am no closer to love but still I know there are people who know and love me and I am important.
But most of all I have all the shopping done and I can now look forward to Christmas without fear. I didn't make it to the gym and I feel bad about that but I'll make up for that soon enough. I haven't heard from Lisa and I don't know what to make of that but she is making her own way and I guess I should let her go in so far as she needs to move on.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Can't see the forest for the trees.

Just 10 days until Christmas and I have yet to even go into a store. I'll make a list and try to make some headway in the next 2 days. I'll be off from work Thursday and Friday so my goal is the get everything done this weekend. There was talk that Coleen was taking Friday off and she might help me shop but we will see.
I'm paid today so I can figure on what ever I spend will come from that money. I'm concerned that I have been going over whatever budget I have every month since I moved and I wonder if I'll be up against a financial wall by spring. I should really be watching my bottom line much better.
We had our first snow this week. Just an inch but it was the first time I'd been able to see snow falling outside the windows of my new place. Being on the second floor rather than the basement like I was before gives me so much more serenity. My house is on a hillside and if I look out my bedroom in the morning it is quite a site. Soon I'll take a picture and post it.
For some reason I had lots of trouble falling asleep last night. When I last looked at the clock it was close to 2 AM. I'm working in the office today so I was up at quarter to six. Just 4 hours of sleep is not enough. I had zero emails or conversations so I had no social outlets at all. I guess all those thoughts start to build up and by bed time my brain is going like crazy. I even did a work out at the gym and should have been exhausted. I really need to reach out to someone at night just so I can vent some thoughts.
I thought about calling Chris but I'm a little leery about getting too "friendy". Chris is a good guy but he has such quirks that he can be frustrating to talk to. He can be such a miser ... although it may be that he just doesn't make enough money to meet his needs. He owns his house and has no mortgage since he'd paid that off some time back. He does have a loan on the house but that's practically nothing. His big expense is child support but how much can that be?
I try to give him my best advice but really ... where do I come from? But I need to tell you ... his house is in need of updating in the worst way. Everything there has to be at least 30 years old. And he refuses to turn up the heat past 60 degrees. He has to be the last hold out to get cable tv. That's right, broadcast television. No computer either. At least he has a phone. So I asked him what his daughter does when she is there, his response is that she hasn't been there in at least 4 years.
So with him no longer involved with the ex I am harping to him to update the house. I should probably mind my own business but I feel sad that he lives like a shut in. He needs to find ways to bond with his daughter and should get her to feel like it is her home too. He doesn't see it.
I need to take care of my own issues ans not focus on fixing his. That's why I hesitate to get too involved with Chris and all that goes with that. I know I have this thing where I try to be the "fixer" and that is one on my co-dependent triggers. Of course that typically only applies to women and I don't have nearly the discipline I should.
Time to start work.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A good day for Chris

This is my friend Chris. He called me last night to tell me about his daughter's music concert. She plays viola in the high school orchestra. Chris and I have been bonding over our inability to land a woman.
His situation is rather unique. He was married and divorced more than 20 years ago. About 13 years ago he met the mother of his child, Marianna, who is now 12. They were never married but he has been engaged to her not once but twice. That was more than 3 years ago but he still loves her and had hopes of making a life together. That all came apart for him this summer. Seems the woman had indicated to him that they could be a couple but then 2 months later she started seeing someone else. This has him reeling. So we have been both looking for something new while we both lament the loss of what we really wanted.
Chris was debating whether to go to since he doesn't want to see the mom. I told him he should go and be his daughter's dad and not let his hurt prevent him from sharing the moment with his daughter. Last thing he said was he didn't think he could do it. So long story short, he called me to say thanks for convincing him to go. He said it was a great moment as he got to make eye contact with Marianna while she performed. Afterwards she found him and gave him the biggest hug. Hearing this almost made me cry. Twinge of jealousy, but also I was glad for him.
So that all worked out. Now a little about me. Chris was able to spot the ex, who was there with her mom and no sign of the new boyfriend, which was Chris' biggest fear. He took my advice and rose above it. I guess I get points for being a good friend. Why do I have such good friend skills but no ability to make a girl see me romantically? Being a good person doesn't seem to count for anything.
I can't help but think I spend too much time with women who see me as a friend and I should look to be with male friends so I can look more available. At least that's what I'll try for the next while.

Monday, December 13, 2010

New places new faces

The end of another weekend. It's Monday. Even though I never made any plans I did all the usual things and saw all the usual people. Friday I called Janet and we meet up with Roberta and had drinks in a different place than usual. I don't know. Seems like we just have nothing much to say any more. Even going somewhere new wasn't much fun. We decided to go to a place that had some live music which turned out to be pretty lame.
While there I saw Coleen's brother, Steve. He told me the family was struggling with the sudden death of a second cousin. It wasn't someone who they were real close to but there was a wake and grief that comes with a death. So obviously that was why Coleen hadn't been in touch with me. At least that is what I thought. She was dealing with 2 deaths in 2 weeks.
On Saturday I was home doing nothing all day. The phone rings at about 3 o'clock and it's mailman Chris. I told him I wasn't planning to do much and I could meet him for a drink and then maybe we could hang out and have dinner somewhere. I'm thinking I need to stop doing Saturday nights with women who have no interest in me. So I went up to the bar and while there I saw Coleen who said she had been sent me text messages but I had not responded ... so obviously her phone was not working or she was just saying that as an excuse. I am reasonable sure it was her phone because on Sunday morning I got 6 messages from her all at once. She told me she changed something and they all were delivered. Whatever.
So I spent my Saturday having dinner with a guy ... no women for one night. We both want to find the right girl and we both are getting the same result. We can maybe find new places to go where I can meet someone without some girl who sees me only as a friend getting in the way. We will see how that works.

Friday, December 10, 2010

No Plans

Absolutely nothing has happened this week. I've barely spoken to anyone. As I become more lonely I seem to get more isolated. But I need to not go to the same places and doing the same things as this has not gotten me anywhere. I know that before I can let in the new I need to purge some of the old. So I sit and ponder my options. I have sent emails to friends and had a conversation or 2 but other than going to the gym I haven't done a thing. And no one has called me. And no one is including me in their plans.
Maybe it's just everyone is doing their Christmas shopping. I still need to do that although I have not even compiled a list for who I need to buy for. It feels like no one will be looking for my presents under the tree this year. I'm sure this is just a down year and maybe even just a slow week. I've been down this path before and always been able to find myself a new way.
I'm sure it's just perception and not really anything has changed. Who knows ... it could all be different by tomorrow. I don't have any idea what I'm doing tonight after work. I am working from my living room so what ever I do it can start right at 5. I don't really want to go to the bar for happy hour but with no other options I may just go down there. I need social contact or I will go buggy. Maybe I'll get a call like I did last week.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I need a Plan B

Heard from Coleen last night. She sent me a text that said "Not doing very well". Didn't know what to make of that so followed that up by talking on the phone. It seems that her "friend" Tommy has a brother who was shot and killed by the brother's son of all people last week. This happened somewhere upstate so it wasn't really big news around here, but it was in the paper on page 20. I must have missed it. She said she was at the wake last Friday night but not the funeral. At least I know where she was on Friday and why she went so quiet all weekend.
I'm not sure how I handled myself during this discussion. I didn't know the brother and I barely know Tommy so I didn't make the pretense of telling her to say anything or even to say sorry to her. I just mumbled something about it's 2 years since the ex-wife has been dead. Then I asked how he was and she said he hasn't even called. Clearly she was upset but not wanting to talk too much about it. She has been dealing with a chest cold that has not gotten better in almost 2 weeks. I reminded her she should get more rest. Last thing she said was I should call her tomorrow after work. I wish I hadn't said I would.
Before I spoke to Coleen I had been on the phone with Chris. I was wondering if he had gone to the bar on Sunday to see football. He said he did briefly and didn't do much else. We are trying to come up with Plan B - Plan A was the singles event from last month. He said he went to some kind of workshop for people struggling with loss of relationships. Then he went to see music in a new place. I said I'd like to go to that next time ... the music not the workshop.
That covers my whole evening. I never did talk to anyone else. Not even by email during the day. I considered calling Janet just to say hello and again say thanks for dinner on Sunday. I thought better of it. I'm starting to use her like she is my fake girlfriend and I think I should leave it alone. We both know how it is.

Monday, December 6, 2010

More Talk and No Action

I want to write something significant but I'm not sure if I can make anything coherent out of today's thoughts. I never did watch any football yesterday. Instead I spent the day with Janet at her house. We put ornaments on her tree and she cooked dinner.
We shared some beer and then some wine and we talked and talked. We got into some personal things that I never expected we would talk about. Things started with me and how I am trying real hard to find someone special in my life. Then at some point we talked about her and what her issues are. Seems she hasn't really been open to anyone in quite a while. She only seems attracted to men who are much younger than she is. She also mentioned something about waiting out someone who is married. I don't know if it was the smart thing to do but I never asked her to name names or any details. It was probably the drinks but it was interesting to see her open up about where she is going with her life.
One of the things that we seem to have a constant topic about is how she feels that she expects never to retire and will work well into her 70's. That's pretty far away but not so far she shouldn't be preparing for it. I am at least thinking about my retirement although there are more than 10 years of work before that day comes. From there she talks about how she expects to always be on her own with no thought of a man to spend her life with. This always shocks me since I know she is attractive and probably has been approached by men all the time. She says she can see me with someone before she can picture it for herself. She also adds the caveat that it would never be us together. Then she says she could see how she could have a man spend the day with her just like we were doing.
Like I said ... we were into maybe our third glass of wine so it became a very odd talk from that point on. I went on and on about how I have to find some romance somewhere and I was now willing to put my heart on the line. She was saying I have taken all the steps I need to and now I need to just let things happen a little.
So I left her house at about 9 PM and still wondering what to feel. We don't have that thing but we can sit together all weekend and it's very comfortable. I was really glad to have not gone into the bar all weekend but wonder if spending time with Janet is really so great either. There was a point when I first got there where I wanted to only stay an hour and then never made an excuse to leave. It's odd that she wants me there but doesn't want me.
This weekend there was no Coleen at all ... she typically sends me a text just to say hi and to see if I'd come out to watch the football game. But she never did. I was home and wondered about that so I go and send her on at about 9:30. There was no response. I'm trying not to over analyze this but my little brain can't seem to help it. I wonder if she talked to someone and now I am on her shit list. Which may not be such a bad thing. It would certainly be easy to push her out of the picture if she wasn't constant calling me.
It's Monday and that's pretty much it for the day.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I can make a good thing bad

Friday night's trip home from work on the train got messed up thanks in part to the LIRR and also my inability to listen to announcements. I was sitting on my train listening to my iPod waiting for the train to leave Penn Station when suddenly all the people on the train started getting up and off the train. I jump up and am told they care cancelling this train and we all need to go to track 18 and get on a substitute train. I get to that train and see no signs of anything so I made the mistake of asking another passenger what the right train is. She said they changed it again to track 14 so I go running over to that and got on. This turned out to be the wrong train although it did go to Jamaica so at least I was going the right way. Problem was my connection left before I got there and the next train wasn't for 45 minutes. This on a Friday ... the only night I ever have some reason to get home.
But I had no real plans as no one seemed to be available. So while on the train I bump into a fellow bar friend Jimmy. And then I get a call from Janet and we made dinner plans. I went from feeling lonely to being thrilled to have a plan. I got home and then I was at Janet's and we shared dinner and she let me pay. Not much more than the usual. We drank wine and talked and she made me leave a little after 11.
It was a nice evening and what do I need to go and do .... I am driving home and I tried to take a short cut home and found the road has been closed so I needed to circle back to get home. In doing this I made the mistake of doing a drive-by Coleen's house and noticed her car was not in the driveway. Means she is shacking up somewhere. Stupid - right. Why am I doing this? At least she hasn't sent me any messages all weekend.
I've spent the rest of the weekend home alone doing more or less nothing. I did catch Bridges of Madison County movie. Since I'd only just finished the book it was a thrill to see the movie again.
Well... kickoff soon so I need to finish this up. Maybe I can find a way to expand this tomorrow.

Friday, December 3, 2010


I finished Bridges of Madison County while riding on the train last night. Probably not an ideal thing for me right now. Made me cry ... yes, I was crying on the train over a book. I'm becoming such a weenie. Still, I did find it to be a good book. I know everyone has seen the movie but I just decided to read it on a whim. I was surprised by some of the differences from the movie. Reading about how love can just happen and to people who are about the same age as I am gives me optimism. I keep worrying that as my life is slipping away I won't feel that kind of thing. I know the book is fiction but it does happen.
So I'll keep trying to improve myself and try to be happy alone while always hoping I can find someone who wants to share a piece of their life with me. I just need to keep looking in different places.
It's been a quiet week and I feel a little more alone than usual. It's Friday and the beginning of the weekend and I want to go out and enjoy myself but none of my friends seem to be willing to do anything outside the usual crap and I'm struggling with that. No one has called me and no text messages ... not even Coleen. I guess she finally realized that I need to have my string pulled anymore. That leaves a pretty big hole in the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling having no one to obsess over. Probably a good thing and maybe it will start to feel normal at some point. I've been here before and gotten myself sucked back in but this time it feels different. More permanent. I keep having conversations with myself about what I'd like to say if given the chance. I'd like to ask how I reached a level of closeness with someone who never wanted more than just casual friendship. One thing that this blog allows me to do is go back to old posts and get a feel for what I was thinking back when I first meet different women. How did I so quickly let myself start to fall for someone and then let it fester for what has now been years. I looked at how after just a couple of conversations with Coleen she was sending me text messages asking me to come out. I guess I was reading so much more into it but I knew within a month she wasn't going for me like I wanted.
Now I want to know better. I had a lot of the same experiences with Lisa and the big difference is Lisa and I talked about it. She told me how she only wanted friendship even though she knew how much more I wanted. She talked of how guilty she felt. I never really understood what that meant except that what ever attraction women look for I don't have. I wish I could fix that and I am trying but nothing has made any difference. As much as I hate being rejected I have rejected more women than I can remember and in almost every case it wouldn't have mattered what the could do to change I would never have felt that kind of attraction. Jami comes to mind. I like Jami and she has indicated to me that she would like to see me in a dating situation but I just can't. I have no feelings for her other than what we are. Friends. But here is what I perceive as different... I don't go to dinner with her. I don't call her just to say hello. I don't put her in a position of being confused about how I might start to change my feelings.
So in my solitude I think about this.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Walls and Bridges

Last night's solitude was interrupted by a call from my mom. It was a welcome interruption. The phone call lasted some 30 to 40 minutes. I was just in a chatty mood. It was a good release. We talked at length about Lisa and her how she is struggling with her dad's illness. He has Parkinson's and I believe this has made Lisa more distant as she is dealing with her family pretty much full time now. I miss her but I need to let her go.
The rest of my day was uneventful. I am reading The Bridges of Madison County. It's a small book and I'll probably have it done before the weekend. It's hard to read for me now. The idea of reading about a star crossed love probably isn't a good thing. But I've seen the movie and I already know the ending. It is interesting to read about how 2 relative strangers can meet and how the spark of love can fire up so quickly. My experiences have a similar theme in that the only real love I've ever felt became physical almost immediately. The idea that I can expect someone I've known for years to suddenly see me in a romantic light is just not my reality.
So I lose myself in the romantic notions in a book for a few days. I get optimistic just knowing it's possible. Of course it will never happen as long as I am sitting in my house alone reading. So I am starting to give more thought to Plan B. Plan A was going to the sailing for singles event 2 weeks ago. It just seems like all the members of that group are older and mostly in retirement. I have considered getting back into scuba but my experiences were that men outnumber women 10 to 1. Skiing is another possibility. I will keep my eyes open. I may also look into joining a hiking club. I just know that I need to do things that I love and hope that someone finds me interesting. For sure I'm never going to get what I want at the local bar. I've spent way too much energy doing that.
Those are all long term goals but in the short term I need to find something interesting to do for the weekend. I am anxious to try something new. I have some ideas but I may just relax at home for a change while I refocus. I think I can use some me time for a while and let some of the people in my life come to me for a change. Maybe I will just take my camera out and take random pictures. That's the influence of Madison County.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Darkness Falls

Time to turn the page on another month. It is now December. I'm hard pressed to remember if anything good has ever happened for me in December so I'm looking at this month with dread. Let me count the ways.
December 2 years ago is the month that wife died. It was also the month that John Lennon was killed. The year John Lennon was killed was also the year my very first girlfriend broke up with me. 30 years ago. I will never forget how much that hurt. It just isn't a time that I find good things happening. Christmas should be such a happy time and for the most part it is. But my feelings of loneliness are always at it's peak right now. I only have my extended family, but they all have their families. I am wife-less, childless and love-less. Seeing family members with all those things are especially depressing. And this year there isn't even anyone I'll be buying something special for. Okay - enough pity party.
I made it into the gym last night and continue to feel energized by it. I can actually look in the mirror and not cringe. I will keep at it as it has become the best thing in my life right now. I was actually looking around thinking I could meet someone there. It's the only place that there are new faces that I can meet. I am also considering trying the the sailing social again in 2 weeks. Maybe this time I'll go without Chris just to see what happens.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Too Much Time On My Hands.

I have time to think. Way too much time to think. During the week I barely ever get to talk to anyone. That may be my choice. Sometimes that is how I want it. Other times, like last night, it is just how it is. I did get 2 phone calls, but they were support calls from work and no fun at all. I have very little positive feelings looking forward to the holidays. There is no likely changes and this is depressing me.
It's been 13 years since I had a girlfriend. That experience ended right after Thanksgiving in 1997. I went from my best love to no love and while I have had feelings for someone several times that has never been returned. Because I've had it before I feel like it has to happen again. But as I get older it seems like the possibility shrinks a little every day. Right now there no possibility of anything. Whoever might turn out to be special is someone who I have yet to meet. Which means I need to start considering how I can put myself in a position to meet new people.
I've worked fairly hard to eliminate anything that may serve to block any potential to love. And yet I grow more isolated. I really wonder how I can fix my situation. It just always seems so easy for others to connect. I find myself considering putting my name into cyberspace. What I'd really like to do is just join some kind of mixed group that do what I like to do and take it from there. While that hasn't worked for me in the last 12 years or so I have always felt I came away with positive feelings and people I can still call friends.
Question is what? I am afraid that if I do get into something it will push me into financial ruin again. I am tempted to just leave things along and just start accepting my solitary life. At least for the duration of winter.
Perhaps I am at a crossroads ... or perhaps I am travelling on the same road as always.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving activities

I kept the computer turned off for the entire Thanksgiving weekend. First of all I made my way out on Wednesday night and that didn't go too well. I saw Coleen do her booty call thing again. Funny how you think you know someone and then find out who they really are and even though all your friends tell you what's what you still can't accept it until it hits you right between the eyes ... but enough about that. I am so over it.

It took my race on Thanksgiving morning to help me see things in a different light. I had set a goal for finishing in under 33 minutes and during the run itself I knew I needed to maintain certain split times at each mile marker. So when i past the first mark at a little over 10 minutes I knew my pace was right where i needed it to be. My sister was running too but she was somewhere behind me. I had expected her to pass me at some point but she never did. I finished right at the 33 minute mark so I was very pleased and beating my sister was an unexpected surprise. I guess I can do more than I thought.
So I felt really good about myself for the rest of the day. Even seeing Coleen later couldn't bring me down. Unfortunately I was a little dehydrated and my Thanksgiving ended early for me. The rest of the weekend I spent not doing much of anything. There was dinner out Saturday with Chris and Janet. We talked about how we all seem to be struggling with similar things. I told Janet about the singles event Chris and I went to and she wanted to know why we didn't ask her to go. There was a discussion about how I can't do that that with her because I won't try to meet women if she is there. She said she understood as she sees me do that in those kind of situations. At least I got a sense from her that she is also putting her heart out there ... just never going to be with me. It's like a broken record in my life. All single women want me as a friend.
Sunday I stopped into the bar to see the football game and saw Coleen there with another guy. Not the one from Wednesday. She came over and said hello. She looked terrible. She has been fighting a cold for over a week and now she has a cold sore and that gave her a fat lip. It was easy to just say hello and move on.
So my holiday weekend didn't involve anything great or bad. Just kept an even keel and now I can just deal with the rest of the holidays. It's already getting so cold ... this will be the longest winter.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Race is On.

My day yesterday was more lonely than usual. No conversations with anyone outside of work. Even my workout at the gym consisted of me doing what I needed to do and getting out without a word to anyone. After I got home I wanted to have some kind of conversation except I had nothing substantial to talk about. I felt very antsy and I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Turns out I went asleep right away. That's the power of getting a solid workout in to wear me down. I ended up sleeping very well.
Big day tomorrow and not just because it's Thanksgiving. I am planning to run a 5K race and I hope my sister will also run. Then I will go to Janet's for the dinner. The opportunity to go to my family was there but I decided to join her family instead. I figure I spend my Christmas with family so my Thanksgiving can be more optional.
Last night was my last tune up before the race. Running on a treadmill is much different than running on the street. My right knee has not responded well to the street run I did on Sunday so I'm a little nervous about how I'll handle things. I may take a few days off after just to make sure I recover. We will see.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Love my Team

Bit by bit I'm losing the ability to see Internet sites so I may find myself off of this any day now. But for the moment I am still posting.
Maybe it will be a good thing to get away from the on-line social thing and get back to meeting people in real time and eye to eye. I haven't had any real success using cyberspace.
I continue to work hard on my self-improvement program. I am slowing convincing myself that I am better everyday. No one who is close to me will ever be "the one" so I am thinking more and more about looking into new adventures.
My friend Chris, who was with me for the single event last week, seems to have the same ambition. I hope we can help each other. He was at my house for dinner last Sunday night and I made the mistake of having a little bit to drink and got on a bit of a rant. I probably said way too much ... similar to what I've gone on and on about here. It was good to have a sympathetic ear and get some feed back. I feel a bond or kinship with Chris. We both are lonely and are not satisfied with what's available.
Thing is here I am again, always able to make friends but not able to make a girl look at me romantically. I think there is someone out there who I will love and love me and all that is me but I keep getting involved with people who don't see me in that light. I need to stop making friends and just lay myself out there.
On a lighter side I enjoyed seeing my team, the New York Jets, win another thriller. I was out at the bar and all seemed lost when the Jets were down by 4 with less than a minute to go and no time outs. When the Jets scored I kind of lost it a bit. Jumped up and down and danced around. I may have scared some people. No one knows how long I've suffered waiting for a football season like this. Coleen was there and I may have scared her a bit. I was sitting next to her guy Tommy who was wearing a Jets sweatshirt that I think Coleen bought for him because he is a Giant fan. Just another dagger in my heart but I don't care ... my team won and I was living in the moment. I didn't even notice when they left.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Single scene

I need to dash this off so I can get back to working. Last night I attended a singles function for people interested in sailing. Since it's the start of the winter no one is actually looking to do any sailing but I saw it as a chance to see what might be a way to get new people into my life that share my interests. There were quite a few people there but unfortunately they all seemed to be way older then me. This was confirmed when I met the organizer who said they were trying to get young people like me as members ... younger then me? I'm 54 for crying out loud. I was there with my friend Chris who is also in his mid-50's.
I did get to swap some sailing stories with a fellow boat owner. I talked about how much I want to take a cruise next year and hadn't been in so long I was hoping to get any inside info I could. It was a good connection and we exchanges numbers on the off chance I go to Block Island we can raft up. It was while I was talking to him I saw the only possibility (a girl who was actually age appropriate) put her coat on and leave and I never got the chance to even ask her name. I did have a nice conversation with a woman named Joyce. She looked a little older but I can't be sure of anything anymore. It was a reasonable amount of money to go and I may go again after the new year. You can never tell how these things will go.
I am not sure whether I want to let my friends in on the fact that I went to something like that. As Chris I talked in the car on the way home I stated that we've just tried Plan A and now we need to start looking for Plan B. We are both more or less in the same position in that we are frustrated by being single and how there are no possibilities among the people around us. It's actually better to go to these things and be able to have a friend there so I can't isolate myself with fear.
I've decided I would like to make a date with someone ... anyone ... for New Years' Eve. I am not sure what that entails but if I can't make that happen I may just sit out the entire event and stay home. I'm tired of pretending to have a good time when I'd really like to be with someone.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

New directions

I still manage to astound myself with how stupid I've become. Once more I feel sucked into something I should never have done. I find it impossible to break away.
Last Sunday I took a picture of Coleen and her aunt with a bunch of flowers that Coleen had given her for her birthday. I thought it came out really well so I printed it so she could have a copy. When she sent me a text that she could have dinner last night like a fool I changed my plans to go to the gym and went to see her. Her friend Barbara was also going to be there.
The problem with text messages is you really can't know that the person who sent it is in no condition to be out. Coleen had been drinking for about 2 hours before I got there and really needed to just go home. Which is what she did about half way through dinner. So off she went leaving me alone with Barbara. Fortunately Coleen lives only a block away and walked home. Last thing she said was maybe Barbara and I could get lucky. WTF? First off I'm not interested in Barbara and secondly Barbara has a BF. Coleen was joking ... I hope. But underneath it just made me feel she really looks at me as a non-factor. Last thing she says is I should give her a call later that night. That's not going to happen. She was going to be asleep a soon as she got home anyway.
I would let it go except it's usually her that calls me. But I could just say no and move on. I need to. But I don't want to. Because I have nothing else. Well, tonight I'm taking the first step towards changing that. I am going to a singles function with my friend Chris and hopefully I can make connections somewhere new.
Update - Got a text message from Coleen asking me if I am mad. I told her I wasn't. At least not at her. I'm not telling her how she breaks my heart, though.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Motivation is an unknown part of the equation

I had my friends and family join me to celebrate my new home. It was a long time coming but I've finally hosted an event. There are some pictures of some of the people who were there. It started at 7 but I spent all day preparing things.
Coleen spent all day helping me and cooking some of her specialties. I could tell she loves to cook and was enjoying the process. It was odd having her around so much since I hadn't really expected it. I've learned not to make too much of it. She did become a big part of my day since there really wasn't anyone else who wanted to pitch in. Actually Lisa did call and ask if I needed anything but when I told her Coleen was already there she said she would see me when the party starts.
Of course, nothing happens that is all good. With things pretty much under control and still more than 2 hours before any guests were expected to arrive Coleen decided to go home and check on things there. I was waiting for a food delivery so I stayed home. Her trip home also included a stop in the bar. With the wine we had been sharing and whatever she had at the bar adding to it she was intoxicated before anyone was even there. Needless to say she was done early and left by 9. I was also pretty sure she had made plans to see other people which was confirmed the next day when she told me she was out late.
Everyone but me and the cat had gone by a little past 11 and I was not even close to being tired. So I began the process of cleaning and trying to unwind. So many people in such a small space made me extremely tense and late into the night I wasn't even close to being ready for bed.
It was a strange sensation to go from so many friends to no one there. It was tough dealing with the solitude and I did consider going at but it was midnight and I figured the last thing I should do is try to find anyone still around. I knew there was live music and I didn't have much to drink so it wasn't like I couldn't go out. But I knew what my motivation was and the memory of seeing other's connect and me alone I just figured I should sleep and enjoy the memory of a party that went well.
Sunday morning Coleen called and we spent most of the day together. It seems like we have established this pattern of spending time together only as friends and nothing will change that. In our conversations she doesn't want to talk about the future ... whether about me or anything else. All the men in her life are only ever identified as friends even the ones I believe she is sleeping with. I also get a sense she doesn't want me to know who they are.
Someone commented about how much credit she took for my party and I acknowledged that she did do a lot. But I do wish her motivation was more about me than is currently is.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Reality Bites

I still have access so I'm adding a new entry. We will see how long that lasts. My plan to go to the gym last night fell through. I had my car getting inspected so I was hoping Lisa would pick me up but she ran behind and decided not to go. So I was stuck home but I have my car back now so I'll go tonight.
So staying home allowed me to be there when Janet called. She is helping me get my party decorations. It was a long call. It felt like she really wanted to chat more. But I was focused on other things. Still was planning to go to the gym.
Between now and the party I'm putting all my ridiculous obsessions on hold. I'm only dealing with my preparations. During the party itself I'll have so many people to talk to I'm only thinking of enjoying it. Still I find myself imagining something happening. I need to not do that... I need to see my reality.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Maybe last post?

I am told that tomorrow the network in my office will be adding new security protocols which will limit my access. This may be my last post for awhile ... I'll need to buy a new laptop to reach all the sites I use. That may not happen for weeks. Or I may just go right out and do it this weekend. I'm a little nervous about money.
Last night I enjoyed a nice dinner with my brother Brian and his wife Sue. We did a lot of talking about family issues. The biggest news is my bro-in-law Kenny has been diagnosed last Friday with stage 3 cancer in his throat. I'm not sure the level of seriousness this is but it's is very bad news. I have been hesitant to mentions it out of respect to their privacy. But Brian brought it up so we then talked at length. It really seems unfair that could happen to someone who has always lived a healthy lifestyle. There is a feeling of helplessness but as a close family we want to make sure we are there.
Then we talked about another family member Sean who has been struggling with his marriage. Brian has always been close to Sean and he struggles with seeing Sean in such despair. So I spent some time talking about how my divorce effected me. From there we segued into my life. We touched on all the women in my life and how none of them are right for me. There is a general consensus that I need to start looking at new things.
The name Coleen was brought up. Nobody thinks good things about her. My reaction is that no one needs to worry about me and her since she's made it clear there is no possibility of romance. I still find it hard not to think of her that way. Her name keeps coming up and I'm not even sure if it's me that does it. It must be though, because it happens almost daily. She has become hard wired into my brain.
My party plans should be my focus for the next couple of days. There is a long to do list and I'll start prepping tomorrow. The guest list has been my biggest source of stress. I need to just let it go and try to make it fun.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A game without rules means I never get to win

Okay, time for a new posting to the blog. The living goes on even if the drama seems to have dissipated. I spent the majority of my weekend laying low. What little bit I did go out for was at the bar just hanging out. Yes, Coleen was there but I am still making an effort to let that go. There were lots of people to talk to, including Janet who showed up even though she never called to say she was planning to.
I am planning a house warming party this Saturday so I have had that to occupy my mind. I nailed down the guest list last week and have been taking suggestions on food ... which is a mistake since everyone has their own way of doing things and I get conflicting advice. But that the way it goes when you ask.
Saturday morning I arose early and got into the gym. My workouts have been a good outlet for me and I was there for most of the morning. When I got home the phone rang and it was Janet. She was heading to the big box store and I went and met her there and picked up some good stuff for the party. We also talked about things that need doing and I formed a nice little task list. As we got close to evening she said she wasn't going out so I stopped into the bar again. There I saw Coleen with shaved head guy, Tommy. My friend Jimmy noticed they both left the night before at the same time although not together, or so it seemed. So it looked like they made a hook up out in the parking lot. Since they were now clearly together it was obvious. One more nail in the coffin. Later she called me over and asked me if Tommy could come to the party. With him right there! So of course I said okay. Life just gets better and better.
Next morning I'm up early and figured I'd just get some laundry done. Not even 9 o'clock my home phone rings ... and I can see on the caller ID it's Coleen. I hesitate but I pick up. She tells me she had trouble sleeping last night at home. Home ... where her parents are. She said she was up most of the night. She knew I had some leftover food and we had talked about having it for lunch soon. She said she almost called me at 3 AM. I thought she had done a sleep-over with baldy boy. I'll never know for sure.
And what do I do.... I agree to go shopping to the mall with her and then we could have lunch. There I was in the woman's clothes dept. watching her try on pants. And I actually enjoyed it. Why do I continue to do these things? At least I told her how I thought she shouldn't have put me on the spot as far as asking me to invite Tommy to the party. She said she realized she did that and was sincerely apologetic. She also said he was probably not going to come. It seemed like there may be more to this but I dropped it.
We ended up spending most of the day together. I'm so easily satisfied. We watched the late football game in the bar ... and who was there but Dean. The September guy she went home with ... and still probably doesn't think I even know. We went in separately so I was actually there a good half hour before Coleen came walking in. She said hello to everyone the same way, hardly a glance to Dean. And he didn't really say much to her either. Like they barely know each other.
So someone needs to explain this to me ... and it's not just this thing. It seems like I see this reaction from all the women that have had these kind of one night things. How do you have that kind of intimacy and then dial it down so far that you don't even want to look each at each other? Is it shallowness or some kind of knee jerk reaction that I am not familiar with because I don't have those experiences? It has an effect since now I don't know what to believe. I'm also wondering if the women I'm around won't do that with me because they know that I'll then be all over them when all they really want is someone new once. Everything I learned growing up about what a real man should do is lost to me now. What are the rules?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

One more time - hope

I went and had dinner with Coleen last night. It was her idea. I don't know what I expect. I kept the conversation light and non-confrontational. It was more about having one less night of loneliness in my life. I'm sure long-term it's a bad thing but short term it felt nice to be out again.

As I write this I am thinking about a moment in a movie I saw on cable recently... 500 Days of Summer. There is a scene that plays out where the main character is invited to a party by the woman he is in love with and you see in a split screen in the left his expectations and on the right is reality. In his expectations they share some intimate moments talking and dancing and being together but his reality is she says hello and then mingles with all of the other guests.

I guess my point is that I relate very much to those moments. I seem to think I can have expectations but then my reality is those moments never happen and I am left alone and empty. I still hold on to hope because I know there is always a chance that one day my reality will align with my expectations.

So back to last night ... I just left Coleen dictate the tone we would have and since she was just enjoying the company I just went with that. Before we were done she was talking about things we would do over the weekend. I could feel myself falling into my usual pattern. I refused to steer into anything that would get either one of us upset.

We finished eating and there were leftovers to take home and we even discussed having them for dinner the next night. That would be tonight. Last thing we said was I should call about that after work. She had her car and as I walked away I could see her on her cell either texting or listening to a message. This made me feel like I'd just wasted my entire evening with someone who was more concerned about what ever phone calls she missed that just talking to me a bit before I walked away. I wish I was over reacting and that I'm looking for things to make me feel bad but I'm almost sure I'm not. This is where the expectations vs. reality moment kicks in. I always want to have a few extra moments to share but she has already checked out and was on to her next thing whatever that is.

Like in Peanuts when Lucy holds the football. Even though she always pulls it away each time Charlie Brown goes to kick the field goal, he expects this time it will be different. Each time as I lay there wondering how I keep thinking things will somehow all work the way I want but I am fooled again I go into this helpless feeling. I can't control anything.
So what will I be doing tonight...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween 2010

Went out for Halloween in an Elvis costume. I'm sure you can tell from the picture.

It was fun. Reality was still different than expectations. I thought I would find myself mixing it up a bit and chatting with anyone who would talk to me. But let's go back to before the weekend.

Friday night had no real plan so I stayed home. Since I was going out on Saturday I thought I would just lay low. But then when i was home I got antsy and called Janet to see if she wanted to share dinner. But she had stopped into a place near work. She said she wasn't staying long and would call me when she was out the door. Two hours later she finally called. She sounded like she had a too much wine so I knew seeing her would not happen. So that was the end of my night. I went to bed early and was up and in the gym by 8:30. My workouts are becoming more intense and that can only be good.

My plan for the rest of the day was to help Lisa visit a adult assisted living home that may be the new home for her dad. But at the last minute she called and said she wouldn't be able to go.

So my weekend was slowing coming apart. I got to spend the rest of Saturday doing work around the house. Janet, Roberta and I were all going out for Halloween as Elvis and we had talked about starting from my house so I wanted to spiff it up a bit. They arrived at about 7 and we had pizza and got ready to go out. It has been too long for me to have people over and I was glad to entertain a little. I have been getting frustrated by that.
In fact when I had spoken to Janet the day before she was saying she wasn't even sure if she wanted to be at my house beforehand as she wanted to not have to deal with getting home from where I am. This bothered me since I live only a short distance from where we were going. I had the feeling she just doesn't like being in my house. I've worked very hard in the last year to put myself in a situation where I'm closer to friends and I can have people come to me now and then so it really ticked me off when she said that. But in the end she and Roberta came to my house but since I wasn't a for sure thing I didn't want to over plan. I never went and got any wine so they had to bring their own.
I really want a relationship with someone in my life I can make real plans with. I'm probably expecting too much but it seems like I see other people having that life and I'm jealous. And I hate feeling this way.
Lisa had said she would try to make it into the party but I knew she was likely a no show. I don't know what she did but she didn't make it out. She and her boyfriend are less and less visible. They do get out but it seems like it's always with his friends. I figure if they ever get married it will the last time I see Lisa in a social context. But I sort of understand that even though I'm sad over it.
The party was fun and I got to see Nancy who is a bit of a flake but she is fun and she makes me feel like I have something. I would really love to have a different place to go on the weekend and Nancy is an option. But she and her friends seem to see me as a bit of an outsider and I'm not sure if they would let me in.
So the night ended and I was home late ... alone like usual. But I had fun and got to dance so as Saturday's go it was better than most.
Sunday I spent planning my party that will happen in a couple of weeks. I committed to a guest list. I was waffling whether I should invite Coleen and some of the others that we share as friends. Inviting one means inviting all. But I decided I need to make it a party and just forget all the emotional crap I have been obsessing over. So I went into the bar and spoke to all the ones I needed to invite. It looks like I will have between 10 and 20 people for a party starting at 7 PM. I still don't know what I will serve but I should have that together by next weekend.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I took yesterday off from the blog world. No mike-isms for one day. It was easy since absolutely nothing happened. Just work and home. Spent last evening with Janet and Roberta trying on the Halloween costumes we want to wear for the weekend. We sat and talked for a little while. One of the subjects was about the girl I took to dinner while I was in Florida. They was mostly curious to know when I might see her again or call. But I'm really not that interested. They got all the info about me but somehow I never thought to ask them about what their last date was ... since they never talk about it. Why is my life such an open book and I never get anybody else's stuff. Roberta and Janet were both talking about how they are only interested in younger men but they think they shouldn't be considered "cougars". Which made me sad on several levels. Sad for them because they will never find someone who really loves them. Sad for me because what's left for me if all the women are like this. We also talked about how I can't look at meeting anyone as long as I go out with these women.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monday stuff and party plans

My day yesterday didn't amount to much. I have email conversations with most of my friends in the morning which is typical. I didn't see Janet or Roberta all weekend so we just got caught up. We all have our Halloween costumes so we will go out over the weekend. Still not sure if we will be out Friday but Saturday looks like it's planned. I'm hoping I can have a little fun although I am disappointed to hear Lisa say she was not interested in joining us. It's usually the one time we get to dance.
Yesterday I was thinking I had heard the last from Coleen, but again I was wrong. I got a text from her while I was having lunch. She had the day off for a medical appointment. The appointment was cancelled so naturally she had to tell me. Like the pathetically co-dependent loser I am I actually responded. She was home with nothing to do and I was bored at work so I picked up the phone and spoke to her. I found myself hoping to see her but I wasn't going to ask. When she mentioned something about seeing her girlfriend Jami I thought the best thing would be to let it go. Besides I had some errands to do. I suspect her plans were a lie anyway. When it comes to plans she will only commit to me when all other options appear to be eliminated.
I'm planning a party to christen my new home. I'm there almost 5 months so it's about time. I need to formulate a guest list. I want the number to be small but I don't want to exclude anyone who I call friend. I don't know if Coleen qualifies. Right now I'm considering not telling her but I'm sure it's not something I can do without her knowing. She calls me more than anyone else so I'm sure she would like to be there. I think. It's a problem I'll need to address soon. No one seems to like her much so I don't think she would be missed by anyone except me. I don't know what I want. Maybe it will sort itself out over the next 10 days or so.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The bed I've made.

I has a fairly busy weekend so the computer stayed off. So once again the fact that there were no new entries from me is a good thing. Not blogging means I'm living life while when I blog more I am mostly unsatisfied and want to bitch about it. I am still glad to have this as I find myself looking at old posts and trying to figure out exactly how I've gotten here.
Friday night I enjoyed a nice dinner with some married friends, Mariana and John, that I've know for a very long time. They just told me that they are expecting twins. Mariana had a lot of trouble with some prior events and I had thought they were not going to have children. But when she told me I gave her a big hug and shook John's hand.
I needed to get up early on Saturday so it was not a late night but I still didn't make it home about midnight. In the morning I headed over to my brother Barry's house and we did some winterizing to his boat and then went to a Power Boat Club BBQ. It is an all male event that takes place every October and I've been attending off and on for almost 20 years. It was okay but I have no spouse to get away from so it's not really the big event for me that it is for others.
I did get a call from Coleen while I was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her so at first I let it go to voice mail. But then I felt guilty and called her back. Why I can't just give her the boot once and for all I just don't know. She keeps reaching out to me and there is some stupid emotion in me that wants that. When I said I was busy all day she said I should call her the next day.
Sunday morning I was up early. My goal was to do a good workout in the gym with Lisa. But Lisa didn't show up until I was just about to finish. But we did go out for coffee afterwards so it was nice to relax and talk. I talk to her about my friends and she is very good about listening and giving me her perspective.
Then I got home and made the call to Coleen like I said I would. I considered blowing her off but again there is something that won't let me. I still hadn't seen her since that night she had gone home with Dean ... or rather went to his house after a booty call and then I had to stalk her to find out. Ugh ... I need to remind myself just how toxic this is. But our conversation was short as she was out with her aunt and I felt I had done my obligation. I called like I said I would. I don't recall how I left it.
The afternoon was warm and I went down to the boat and at the last minute I decided I was going to take a short sail. I called my sister who wouldn't go, then tried Chris who also was busy. I considered calling Coleen but I just knew that would be a mistake. So I went out alone and enjoyed that as much as I could. The little voice in my head says I should do more of that.
When I returned back to the dock there was still time before dinner so I went to the bar ... probably because I knew Coleen would be there and of course she was. There were others there too. Coleen was a little upset that I didn't consider her to go out on the boat. I think she was even a little mad. She really didn't say 2 words to me and even left without even a good bye. I guess I made that bed and now I'll have to lie in it. It will still be hard to do. I will keep busy and just not dwell on it any more. Good luck with that.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Happy Wednesday

I still feel this compulsion to write in the almost daily. It's probably not a good thing but I need the release. I've also been finding myself spending more time looking at facebook. I don't want to but I feel so disconnected lately I want to have some kind of contact so I know there are other possibilities. Right now my prospects have dried up and everyday I hope for something new that could begin and give me some optimism. On that note....
I saw the facebook of a girl I once had a thing with and sent her a friend request. It was more than 15 years since we last spoke so I'm not even sure why I did it. While she was nice to me ... slept with me on the first day we met ... I never ever felt like I was in love with her. She was in my town on vacation so things between us moved at an accelerated rate. After she went home ... more than 1000 miles away... I went and visited her once and we stayed connected through phone calls for over half a year. But I didn't like the long distance and she was talking about moving here so I broke it off. Another friend tells me she is still very much single. My feeling about her haven't really changed but I'm so desperate I really don't know what I'm doing. The last thing I need to do is fall back into a thing that has no possibility of working.
Last night I got out of the house to have dinner with my brother-in-law Ken. It was not exciting but I was glad to be anywhere but home wondering why the phone doesn't ring or why no one is sending me emails. Got home and didn't see anything so I spent the rest of the evening watching TV.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Radio station WWTF.

I made it back into the gym last night. It was good to finally go back and get some of that nervous energy out of my system. While I run I get to think a lot about my life and what I need to do. It's not always good thoughts but it does drive me.
During the day yesterday I was feeling even more lost than usual. I wanted contact with someone and my email inbox was even more quiet than usual. So I struggled through the day as best I could until finally I could leave the house and go somewhere. Then I did my workout without talking to anyone as Lisa was not feeling up to it and failed to meet me. I had to fight the urge to go into the bar afterwards. But I went home and made some dinner.
While eating dinner at about 7 my cell phone rang. It was Coleen. She called from home. She wanted me to help her dad with their new DVR that they had just gotten. That was that. You know it occurs to me that she may not even feel like I have been evading her. I never said anything to her or anyone else how hurt and rejected I am. It was after all, my hopes and dreams that died when she went home with Dean. To her I'm just one friend among many and as interchangeable as a station on the radio.
So after I explained to her dad how the DVR works she got back on the phone to tell me how she has been suffering with a cold and then her cell got a text message and she needed to go. Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure those are much more important than me anyway. Her last words were she would call back later but never happened.
So I spent the rest of the night watching TV and pretending not to care. It must be working a little since I did sleep okay. 2 weeks ago that wouldn't have been the case. Still, I need to find something better than the tv to occupy my attention. Tonight I made plans to have dinner with my brother-in-law Kenny.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Trapped in my Box.

Spent last night home alone watching Tv. After spending the day working from home I was really itching for some company but since it was just a Monday there really were no options. I was having trouble losing myself in anything on TV. No show was capturing my attention.
I need to find something better. Tonight I will go to the gym. I miss it. While on vacation I wasn't doing much. Some hard work should make me less edgy. I hope.
My only real conversation was a call I made to Lisa as she was driving home. She has a health insurance issue that I tried to help her with. She seems to talk to me less and less. I guess that is the inevitable result of her wanting to move ahead with her boyfriend. We hadn't been as close as we once were. I have been spending time with my other friends so I think I expect too much. I'm just more needy that I was a few months ago. I'll have to get over it.
I made the mistake of reaching out to someone I used to know years ago via FaceBook. Shannon and I had quite a falling out and I pushed her away to regain my sanity. I'm pretty sure she has a bipolar disorder. She could be the nicest person when she is happy but then mean and nasty over the smallest thing. She is also gay. Years ago I seduced one of her friends who was visiting and we had a relationship that lasted almost a year. She lives over 1000 miles away so it was never anything big. Shannon mentioned her yesterday and told me she was still single and had lost weight. She thinks we should get in touch. Ugh. What we had was so long ago. And she is still too far away. Besides, I need something new, not to backslide into something I know is doomed from the start. The only way that will happen is if I get out of my box.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Poker Face

I have returned from Florida. It feels good to be home although I will miss the beach. It will be some time before I can have sand and water under my feet again.
I had a really early flight yesterday. Up at 5 to make a 7 AM plane and was back in NY by 9:30. I took the train to Mineola where Lisa picked me up. She took me home and we chatted briefly then she headed home. I thought I would see her later at the Oysterfest event that we had all planned to go to. I sent her several text messages that went unanswered. So I have a feeling she never went.
I did meet Janet and Roberta there and we enjoyed the day walking around and listening to music. We took the train so we didn't need to worry about traffic or parking. It was fun but I spent a lot of energy looking for people who I never saw. I wanted to carry my vacation confidence as far as I could. But no opportunity presented itself so I'm feeling a little sad today.
The brief phone call from Coleen on Friday was all I heard from her even though she said she would reach out to me. I have mixed feelings because I still feel like I want to say a few things but I will not make that call. It's probably better that she doesn't call. I am fairly sure there was a discussion among Janet, Roberta and Jami but no one has said anything directly to me. I think Roberta did hint at it though. I have taken the attitude of playing a hand of poker and not show my cards to anyone. They will be played when I choose.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Stupid Mike

Relaxing with the dog in Florida at my mom's. Did a full day on the beach so all that sun has me worn out. Finished dinner by 6. Not knowing anyone here I figured I'd just stay home.
When my cell phone rang I was a little off guard and feeling like I wish I had company. I expected a call from mom to see how things were but then I look at caller ID and saw the name .... Coleen. Wanting to talk to someone I picked up. Gone was all the emotion of the last 3 weeks. I just said "Hello". We spoke for less than 5 minutes. She has a cold. She was curious as to whether I was home yet. At least she remembered I was away. Still ... why can't I say what I really want to say? After a few minutes she said she might call later ... so I said I wasn't going anywhere. And that was that.
After hanging up I sat there unable to focus on anything. Should've said this and should've said that. Didn't. Won't. "C'ya Sunday". I'm such a coward. wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.
I knew she would pick the moment I was feeling weakest. When no one else was there for me to talk to. I still have no one to talk to. Again I have to just suck it down except for this.
Well... at least I had a good day at the beach. Sunny day and the dog is exhausted. So am I too.

My Date

I guess it was a date. I went to meet Yvonne for dinner last night. She is a little over 40. Okay ... for starters she isn't that great to look at. She lives here is Florida and I knew it wasn't going to turn into anything special. But I really had a great time. She is really very nice. Funny and very up beat. I think she was really trying to impress me since she was a little overdressed. Considering we were only having dinner in a sports bar it surprised me. She said she really only has work clothes and nice clothes. Very casual was fine with me.
So we talked a lot. It felt good to sit with someone who seemed interested in what I had to say. By the end of dinner I didn't feel like I wanted to say goodnight. Then she asked if I like to smoke pot. Now I've done that before but not in such a long time and I just said no. It was that moment that I realized when the time came to end the night I needed to just call it over and just be sure I made a Florida friend and leave it at that. You know I considered taking her up on her offer but looking back I think I did the right thing. Remember she is someone my mom knows so I swore that that whole thing would not get back to mom.
But it was great to go out and have a date and I think I need to make that happen some more. Not sure what I'll try to do when I get home but I will for sure try something new that I haven't done before. I know Roberta and Janet were trying to talk me into going on a Speed Date Event. I more open to it now than I was before last night.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

If not for the dog I'm alone.

I am going to the beach every day while I'm here. there isn't much else to do. Here is my beach buddy, Shadow the wonderdog. The dog loves it there. So I go and relax and read my book. I am feeling good as each day passes.
My mom's friend Yvonne showed up walking her dogs. She saw the car and made a special trip just to stop by and say hello. So I asked her to dinner and we have a plan to go Thursday. Remember I do not really find her very attractive but at this point I will not reject anything out of hand. And then before leaving I got a call from a repair place that my mom had taken her scooter to. So I asked Yvonne if she would be kind enough to give me a ride and she did. It was a nice thing to do but also a little validating for me. After facing my latest rejection it's a welcome relief to meet someone who at the very least is not dismissing me.
So I'm anxious to go to dinner and I almost want to call it a date just so that I can feel like I'm still date-able. Maybe when I get home I can start re-establishing myself to where I can find a woman who, if not willing to love, but is a least considering it. I want to stop wasting my time on the ones who consider me a non-option. I will need to think on that some more.
I did get a call from my brother Barry who just said hello. So carrying my cell phone has paid off a little.
I still haven't had anything from Coleen so I can really feel she is gone gone gone. What's also strange is none of the other friends from that circle haven't done anything. No texts or emails or calls since I spoke to Janet on Saturday. While that is unusual it's not unprecedented.
I'm probably paranoid but I wonder if Jami isn't at the root of this. Probably just everyone knowing I'm away and not thinking I'm available. We will see.

Monday, October 11, 2010

How is my Monday?

I made it to Monday. Normally I would hate Monday but I'm on vacation so it is a little different. So if I'm on vacation why am I working? Ugh. This sucks. I'm signed on running a test because I need to find out why one of my projects isn't working as designed. I can get to the beach at some point later but for now I'm doing what the boss asked me to do. The sun is out and it will be in the mid 80's later today so I will get to the beach today.
This picture is from Sunday while out at an outdoor bar. I saw Denise and her husband Rick there. It was last minute and I only was there for a short time. Most of my Sunday was taken up by laying at the beach. But Denise took this picture of me and it seems like a good one to share.
So today marks a full week of no text messages. I am sad even though I am the one who made it this way. I have to keep reminding myself that how it needs to be because the alternative only leads to more loneliness and frustration. I may never have my moment but I'm sure I have the support of friends who know and love me in their way. I need to appreciate myself even if it's only me who does.
My plans for the rest of the week are to watch the football game tonight, see some music on Wednesday, maybe go to Peps on Thursday. That leaves Tuesday open. My mom wants me to call Yvonne so I'll see if that can happen although I won't be terribly disappointed if it doesn't. I hate that I am counting the days until I go home.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

One less saturday night.

Living it up in Florida. I took a break from the beach and had lunch with some former work friends I know from NY.
That's me and Denise and Joe. We all worked together more than 25 years ago. They have lived down here near my mom since leaving NY. I try to call when I'm here but it doesn't always happen. They are both married and they really don't know where I am coming from. I was getting dating tips from Joe of all people. I used to watch Joe struggle with women back in the day and now he is happy in his marriage and yesterday he was kind of lauding it all over me. Life just gets better and better.
Mom is now gone so it's just me and the dog for a week. Not many people here I know and since last night was Saturday I felt I had to get out. Tara, who is my 2nd cousin (daughter of my cousin), is 28 years old I think and recently married was going to an Oktoberfest event and she made the mistake of telling me about it. So I made my way there even though I had this uneasy feeling I was crashing her party. I just figured I would go and see what happens and while it seemed like everyone was having a good time I did seem to be alone. So I stayed an appropriate amount of time and headed home pretty early. I had considered going to the tiki bar but I knew that I wouldn't know a soul and all I would be able to do is creep people out if I tried to talk to anyone.
So last night was another tough night and I'm still having so much trouble sleeping. I was up at 7 and this isolated feeling is permeating my thoughts constantly. I was hoping Florida would cure my blues and while I am better and am a long way from feeling good.
I did call Janet yesterday. She was having a busy weekend although I don't know what she was planning for Saturday evening. She told me she spent part of her Friday night in the bar and saw Coleen. Can't seem to go a day without hearing that name. 6 day's without contact though. Maybe I'll never talk to her. I'm sure she is fine about it. I'm so much easier to replace.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Fear and loathing in Florida

It's Saturday morning and I just drove mom to the airport. She is on her way to NY and I am here alone in Florida taking care of the dog. I have some tentative plans later today so I'm not completely isolated.
Friday night my mom picked up her friend Yvonne and we went to an art exhibit. Yvonne is single and mom wondered if we could click but while she is nice I can't see it as a match. Right from the get go I sense she and I do not enjoy similar interests. She is a say at home and watch tv kind of person. We talked about getting together and I expect I will but not thinking it's for any more than company. You might think in my desperate state I should not be so quick to dismiss but she is a pretty big girl ... probably outweighing even me by 20 or so lbs. Still she isn't a bump on a log ... she was very talkative and for sure I'd like to have some company this week.
My cell phone was very quiet last night. I guess my not communicating with Coleen has finally convinced her to go away. It's been 5 days of no text messages. As time goes by I'm being more and more sure about myself. She was lucky to have me in her life and now that she doesn't it's not such a loss for me. I wish I hadn't let her in so far. I do feel tempted to call and have a talk just to see if I can close things off. But I told myself I would take this time away to re-evaluate things.
I'm a little disappointed that none of my other friends are checking in. I guess they all are doing their own thing and I will be reaching out to them at different points. With mom gone I am just having some alone time and it would be nice to hear from people back home so I am not completely isolated.