I finished Bridges of Madison County while riding on the train last night. Probably not an ideal thing for me right now. Made me cry ... yes, I was crying on the train over a book. I'm becoming such a weenie. Still, I did find it to be a good book. I know everyone has seen the movie but I just decided to read it on a whim. I was surprised by some of the differences from the movie. Reading about how love can just happen and to people who are about the same age as I am gives me optimism. I keep worrying that as my life is slipping away I won't feel that kind of thing. I know the book is fiction but it does happen.
So I'll keep trying to improve myself and try to be happy alone while always hoping I can find someone who wants to share a piece of their life with me. I just need to keep looking in different places.
It's been a quiet week and I feel a little more alone than usual. It's Friday and the beginning of the weekend and I want to go out and enjoy myself but none of my friends seem to be willing to do anything outside the usual crap and I'm struggling with that. No one has called me and no text messages ... not even Coleen. I guess she finally realized that I need to have my string pulled anymore. That leaves a pretty big hole in the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling having no one to obsess over. Probably a good thing and maybe it will start to feel normal at some point. I've been here before and gotten myself sucked back in but this time it feels different. More permanent. I keep having conversations with myself about what I'd like to say if given the chance. I'd like to ask how I reached a level of closeness with someone who never wanted more than just casual friendship. One thing that this blog allows me to do is go back to old posts and get a feel for what I was thinking back when I first meet different women. How did I so quickly let myself start to fall for someone and then let it fester for what has now been years. I looked at how after just a couple of conversations with Coleen she was sending me text messages asking me to come out. I guess I was reading so much more into it but I knew within a month she wasn't going for me like I wanted.
Now I want to know better. I had a lot of the same experiences with Lisa and the big difference is Lisa and I talked about it. She told me how she only wanted friendship even though she knew how much more I wanted. She talked of how guilty she felt. I never really understood what that meant except that what ever attraction women look for I don't have. I wish I could fix that and I am trying but nothing has made any difference. As much as I hate being rejected I have rejected more women than I can remember and in almost every case it wouldn't have mattered what the could do to change I would never have felt that kind of attraction. Jami comes to mind. I like Jami and she has indicated to me that she would like to see me in a dating situation but I just can't. I have no feelings for her other than what we are. Friends. But here is what I perceive as different... I don't go to dinner with her. I don't call her just to say hello. I don't put her in a position of being confused about how I might start to change my feelings.
So in my solitude I think about this.