Friday, February 29, 2008

Friday Friday Friday - I love Friday

Friday's always start out so optimistically. It's always filled with opportunities and possibilities. Even though I don't really have stories of any great conquests I'm always believing that maybe this will be the week.

I really do feel like I've got all my ducks in a row for a change. I'm paid today. The rent is due and I'm secure enough to write a check and not worry. No bounced checks this time. So I have about $600 to play with.

Tonight I am going to a bar crawl. I've heard for them but never gone to one. It's in Sea Cliff which only has five bars so it won't be anything crazy. We are expecting snow but only an ince so it may make it even better. I must remember to bring the camera and post some new pictures.

The bar is not part of the crawl so I may not ever get there. That means I probably not see Coleen. And tomorrow is her birthday and she likely will be spending that with the love of her life so not seeing her this weekend seems likely. I'm getting used to that. Once again I feel like the kid outside the candy store pressing his nose against the glass looking in. So my Saturday night might be quiet at home.

Maybe I need to focus on Janet again. It just seems like just banging my head against a brick wall with her. But if she hints at the possibility of saomething on Saturday I'll try and make something happen.

My yahoo messenger has been screwed up for a while. It seems to start some kind of windows internet explorer bug as it suddenly opens window after window until I have to shut down and restart. So I've stopped using AIM at work which cuts me off from Lisa during the day. I'm sure she thinks I'm doing this on porpose because she wouldn't respond to me last night. She sent about 6 messages yesterday even though I was offline. But it's the weekend now so she has Carmine keeping her company. I never hear from her until Monday anyway. I feel like our lives are now moving in completely different directions. Sometimes I get sad about this but mostly I'm too busy to even notice anymore.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Middle of the week blues

Trying to come up with a plan to visit my parents in Florida. I called mom yesterday to see if they had lights and the power failure yesterday did not hit the part of Florida they were in. So we spoke on the phone for a bit about when a good time for me to visit might be. I told mom i was considering Saturday March 29th. She said why don't I come down sooner and go a wedding. Her former neighbor Michelle's daughter Jennifer is getting married. This stirred up memories from 10 years ago.

I was visiting when Michelle asked if I might look at their computer and see if I could fix it so Jennifer could use it. Jennifer was still in high school and much too young for me even then. Still when I met her she seemed nice and did make me wish I was younger. Later Michelle told me I should date her daughter ... I was shocked that her mom would even suggest that me, a man who was 40 at the time. I told her I would never be interested in a teenager. It was strange. My mom told me I had made some kind of impression on her and she seemed to have a crush on me. She asked about me more than once. Kids. I'm no pediphile but I will say this did stroke my ego quite a bit. I felt a little star crossed. I've always wondered about that. Now she is getting married ... I shouldn't be thinking about going but for some reason I am considering it. Does that make me twisted? I don't even think so. I'm not even invited. What would I do? Dance with the bride? Stupid idea.

I guess I've always had this "girl next door" fantasy. Where is the threapy when I need it?

Haven't heard much from anyone else this week. Even Lisa is keeping to herself a lot this week. I really have no idea what's going on with her right now. She wants to move to a bigger place and wants Carmine to move in too. They spent last weekend looking a apartments but she says he is being reluctant. Lisa says she hasn't made up her mind about him yet. No comment from me... she needs to figure this out on her own. But I have a shred of hope that she doesn't move. That has to be my own selfish agenda. I know this. She says he shuts down and becomes withdrawn. I can see that. He can be very quiet.  

Saturday is Coleen's birthday. She will be 41. I told her she needs to have a party but she really wants to go away with Mark somewhere. So I doubt I'll be a part of any birthday plan she makes. She said she would text me but I've already made my mind up to low-key anything.I really need to not be thinking about her so much. It's a work in progress.

I've been thinking more and more that I need to be responsive to Janet. She has never shown me more than friendship but lately it seems like she wants me to take her out. The last few months she has been asking about what I am planning for my weekends and I have been either busy or unable to make anything happen. She clearly would like my company more. But not in a romantic way. She just had brace put on her teeth and probably thinks no one is attracted to her, but even with braces she is still really hot. Or at least I think she is. So the next time she tells me she has no plans I going to ask her out for dinner. No expectations though.  

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hello Monday

Woke up early this morning although I have no idea why. I'm working from home today, I spent the better part of yesterday hanging out with Judy, Jami, Janet and Roberta in the bar. Coleen was there with her boyfriend Mark. We all were there for brunch. I managed to spend my last $40. It was an okay time.

When Coleen came in she and Mark were all the way at the other end of the bar so we just said hello from a distance. But I went over and said hello after about 10 minutes. I could see that she really is attached to him. And yet... she would from time to time join our conversations and she seems to like to touch me. I don't get that except maybe she is just that kind of person. Connects with people on a physical lever that really only means she wants attention. That's how I'm looking at it today. One thing I can see. My only chance to get her alone was that weekend Mark was out od town. So I'll have to put my feelings away even though I can't seem to understand how. There is really no one else to look for right now. Except Jami, but I just can't seem to see her as anything more than a friend.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sunday stuff - zero regret

I spent my Saturday night home alone. Spent zero dollars which is needed. I do have a $40 balance in my account ... first time I've had a positive balance before payday since the job changed from weekly pay to twice monthly. The fact that I now have a credit card I can use helps although I haven't used it except to get gas. Okay ... I bought new sunglasses too. But I am trying to be within budget by staying home more.

There really was no reason to go out anyway. As far as I knew everyone else had alternate plans. Roberta was going to a wedding, Janet had special dinner for her church, Lisa was off with Carmine, Coleen was with Mark. And if I went out and saw Jami I am afraid of what message that might give. So I made baked chicken breasts rice and mushroom sauce which came out not so good. I tried using some milk instead of cream and the rice tastes like rice pudding. Too much milk I guess. It's missing something. Good thing it was just me.

Earlier in the day Janet called me to see what I might be up to. Seemed like she wanted to meet me after her dinner. In a different time I would have jumped at the chance to meet up with her. But I'm not going to make ambiguous plans. I'm still trying to figure out why but it has to be better than how I always make myself available at the last minute.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Living life

We got snow yesterday. About 6 inches. It was enough to shovel but not enough to keep me from going out last night. My plans for making dinner for Lisa fell through because she decided not to venture out. Weak. She said we had better make it next week but guess what ... I have plans for next Friday. So another chance to see Lisa gets blown away. I barely even care anymore at this point. She is committed to her relationship and gives me what's left over.

As I headed out last night I got a text message from Coleen. She was just looking for conversation. She was at Mark's house and I guess he wasn't paying enough attention to her so we texted back and forth but she wasn't going out so I gave it up once I was in the bar. I saw Janet and Jami there. We just had a regular night. Nothing exciting. I was home before 11. As they say in the movie Fargo "end of story".

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Same old same old

Being a celeb and in rehab doesn't mean you are an asshole but these guys sure are.

Highlight of my day was a text message for Coleen around dinner time. Nothing special. Just said to me that our mutual friend Christopher never called her back. He seems to be keeping a low profile since striking out with Janet. So if we go out for dinner - which seems less and less likely every day - he probably won't be there. So we sent messages back and forth for about a half hour. Just me responding to her. If I ask her something I would get short one or two word answers so I got bored pretty fast. Wothout know I just get the feeling she does this just to get the attention from Mark. So I'm much less able to engage too much. Although I did get a rise out of her because when she had me talking to Mark last week she expected just a hello and goodbye but we chatted for about 15 minutes. And how do I know this? She told Jami about it. Made me laugh.

Enough about that. Tomorrow night I won't be doing the same old thing. I am having Lisa over and I'll make her dinner. That's if it doesn't get snowed out. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dad's first chemo

Just finished the family comference call. I almost missed it. My Dad had his first treatment and he says he feels fine. That is the best news in quite some time. We talked about the chemicals being used. Oxyplatin, Lucoflrin, and Floroeurocil. I don't know anything about them.

I also got my new eye glasses. I'm wearing bifocals for the first time ever. I'm having a lot of trouble getting used to them. I don't know what I can do. I'll probably get some reading glasses for work. I can still use my old ones for a little while.

Not much new since yeaterday. No real plans for the weekend except I invited Lisa to come to my house for dinner. I invited her boyfriend too but she said she would prefer it be just us. Then in the next breath she told me that she wants to find a new place to live becuase hers is too small and they had talked about looking for both of them but now he wants to wait. She wanted to know what I thought....I just said to cut him some slack. I am curious to see if there is more to this than she lets on. He was after all gone for a month.    

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Here I am

I've been overdue for an entry. Having lost my one pair a glasses and my other pair was left behind as Lisa's after dinner 2 weeks ago I was unable to do much on my computer. I finally got my glasses back from Lisa on Sunday and now can read a gain. I also went to get my eyes checked and I'm getting new glasses on Friday. My eyes have seriously been in declide the last few months. I now need glasses for reading and distance. Just one more sign of my getting old.

I had a really quiet weekend. On Sunday I went to the Bar and Jami was there so I sat with her all night ... well... till 9 P.M. anyway. It was okay but I'm afraid I'm giving her the wrong idea. She seems to like me more than a friend. It figures. The one female in my life that I don't have feelings for and she's the one who wants me. And I never saw Coleen all weekend. I think I'll be moving on from that now. She is definately only interested in her boyfriend.

When Lisa stopped by on Sunday to give me my glasses she brought along Carmine. He's so quiet. I guess they are goi8ng to be a couple for a while so I've decided to get used to it. I'm going to invite them for dinner so I can get past this uncomfortable tension that I feel.

Nothing new about my dad in Florida. He was going for his first chemotherapy treatment yesterday. We have a call scheduled for tomorrow and I am anxious to hear how it went. I want to book a trip down for the end of March in the next 10 days or so. I'll need to arrange for Tigger first. I'm worried that he is starting to look like Sylvester did before he got sick and died. I may need to take him to the vet before I can book a trip away.

That's all for today... still no pictures. The camera has been idle and I don't really have the inspiration to take any pictures. So just words for now.  

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm in such a bad mood

Let me start by saying I need the bigger font size because I've lost my glasses. And I know exactly when and where. Doesn't help though because they are still gone. So now I've got to find a way to get through work barely able to see my print. I am very frustrated right now.

Let me tell you how this happened. Last night as I was leaving the office I got a call on my cell phone. So I got distracted as I packed to leave the office. Then while on the train my cell goes off again. It was Coleen who I was talking too as I got to my car and while i was looking in my backpack for my keys I put it onto the hood and the freaking alarm goes off before I've even got the keys. So I find the keys, the alarm blaring like crazy, Coleen still on the phone the bag falls over, I get the door open throw the bag inside get in and drive away. I wasn't until I got home that I looked for my glasses and couldn't find them. I must of left them on my desk, or so I thought. I'm here this morning and no glasses. Obviously they must have fallen out at the train station parking garage. There is no way they are still there. I don't know what's the matter with me lately. I've been losing things almost on a daily basis lately. My other set of glasses I left at Lisa's house and they are still there. The reason I have an extra set is because I'd left them home one day and had top go out and buy them to get through work. And I lost my umbrella last week. And again it was the train. I ned to start taking my time and getting prepared better.

So let me go more into detail about the Coleen phone call. It starts with a simple text and we go back and forth while I ride the train home. Her first message was "Happy Wednesday". Which I took to mean she was out of work early. We ended up talking a while and were still talking when the train arrived at my station. I have been broke for over a week and will stay that way until payday on the 15th. So I didn't ask her to go out which was a good thing because guess what ... she was at her boyfriend's house. What's with that... calling me from there? Then she says "do you want to talk to him?" Like an idiot I say yes. So there I am on the phone with Mark. As near as I can figure the whole world can see that I want to fall for Coleen (by that I mean sleep with) except for the one person who counts and that's Coleen. Why does this seem to happen with everyone I start to like...I end up getting close but only as a friend? Do I make this happen?

We ended up talking until I got to my house. She told me a little about Chris and Janet ... that she knew that Chris called Janet and asked her out from talking to him. So we compared notes a little since it was Janet who told me about it. Chris had tried to date Coleen too but they became friends. I feel like i am walking right in Chris' footsteps. Oh, well. Enough drama. I've come to accept that nothing will happen and I've got another new friend. I have to keep telling myself that she really isn't that great. The only reason I'm so attracted to her is because I can't have her.

I spent last evening listening to old Beatle records. The really early ones. I've been comparing the vinyl versions to the cd and I am more and more convinced that the original American stereo (Capital) releases sound so much better than the mono stuff on the CD's. I really want to get the box sets that came out a few year ago but they are $60+ and an expense I just can't afford. I'll keep listening to the records.  

Yesterday was Lisa's birthday and today is Valentines Day. I probably won't see her even this weekend and I'm a little sad about that. She would still be the first my choice if I ever could get my wishes to come true. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

If you can't find anything nice to say ...

So I took a day off from blogging yesterday. I'd been working from home and no one had really sent me any emails or messages. Rather than just write that Tuesday was just like Monday I didn't write anything.

It was so cold in my place. My front door is so drafty it feels like it's open. My poor cat endures that everyday. I found myself looking at the clock constantly until it was 3 and the timer clicked the heat up. I guess my landlord keeps it low until the kids get home from school.

The conference call with Mom late on Monday went well. She answered all of our concerns about how they are proceeding. I was a little curious as to why my dad had changed his mind about seeking treatment and how committed he was to seeing it through. My Mom stated that the oncologist had recommended the chemo if only to slow the progress of the tumor because of where it is. At some point he will need to endure an operation to remove his colon as it can rupture and be fatal if left untreated. My Mom also mentioned that this will extend my Dad's life although there is no way of know by how much as yet. At least they haven't given up and are taking some steps although my Mom was very adamant to mention that the treatment was not a cure and the prospect of remission is slim to none.

I'm back in the office today. It's been such a wonderful weather week. Sub-freezing cold for 2 days followed by tropical rain. Tomorrow the sun comes out but expect gale force winds. It's like every winter condition in just 4 days. Oh well, we've had it pretty good up until now.

Today is Lisa's birthday. I would have liked to have celebrated with her but she's reserved herself to be with boyfriend Carmine. Let's see what happens. Then tomorrow is Valentines Day. I left out in the cold. There will be drinking on Friday. I'm considering taking the day off.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Update on my Dad

My sister heard from my mom and she sent an email with an update;

Dad went to the oncologist today.  He has cancers cells in his liver, and
to a lesser degree, his lungs.  He will begin chemo starting Friday.   He
will receive a cocktail of 3 drugs, which Mom can name.  He will get chemo
2x a month.  It is not a cure.  It is to reduce the size of the tumors.  He
can eat whatever he wants to help him gain weight.  He is to try to drink
at least 64oz. of water every day to stay hydrated.  His count is 274.

Mom sounded very positive on the phone.

 Although it's not the best news, it's the first optimistic feedback I've gotten since my dad was diagnosed.

I feel cold and it's not just the weather

It's freezing here. Lucky I'm working at home today so I don't need to venture out into the cold. But it's still really cold in the house. My cat finds the only patch of sunlight just to try and be warm. I'm going to try to bake something just to warm things up.

Yes... baking a cake that's what I need. The comfort of baking. At least the house now is warmed up a little. This would have been Lisa's birthday cake but she's not interested in seeing me now that Carmine is back after a month away.

I've been having the urge to listen to my old vinyl records. I have all the old Beatles records from the 60's that haven't been played since college. They still sound good. Different than CD which I can't explain. Maybe I miss the pops and crackles. But the stereo mix is different too.

Call it arrested developement. But for a moment I close my eyes and I can be 20 again.  

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A new day begins

I woke up this morning and read my last entry like I'd never seen it. I guess I need to learn not to write blogs after drinking too much. I guess now I need to explain more.

When I say I gave myself up to the bartender (Lynnie) I mean I told her my feelings for Coleen. So now it's out there in the public domain. Of course it was her who said it and I just confrmed it so it really was no secret anyway. I never really thought there was ever going to be anything anyway. Just another of my pipe dreams. So much of my life is non-reality based. I guess that makes me a dreamer.

I need to look else where but that will take some time and I get more and more used to being alone every day. I can't even say I'm lonely anymore. My phone rang this morning and I didn't even want to answer it. I get phone calls from friends almost every day. So in that way I'm blessed.

How jealous will I be on Valentines Day and everywhere I look I see couples in love. Ugh... Lisa has already told me not to expect to hear from her on her birthday because now it's all about the boyfriend. I wonder how long before the engagement.

I'll let it go and try to be happy. No one likes a mopey guy fun to be around. I'll just keep faking it until I even fool myself.

Blog Extra

I'm home after a night out. I did't do so well but what else is new. I kind of gave myself up to the bartender. I told Lynnie that I like Coleen, which she already knew. I'm just no good at hiding how I really feel. So now I am feeling like the Emporer has no clothess.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

I'm lost and can't seem to find my way

So I ventured out last night. I walk into the bar and the first one I see is Coleen. She seemed glad to see me. Then she shows me the new watch she got from her boyfriend, and that she was only there for a few minutes before she would be going out with him. It's amazing how I can be on top of the world to the bottom of the pile in 5 minutes. And it wasn't even 6:30 p.m. yet. At least I had those few minutes. The watch she had looked really expensive. It made me realize just how stupid I am to think Coleen would ever pick me over this guy. I'm feeling very alone and inadequate today.

The rest of the evening was like a replay of so many other Friday nights. Janet and Roberta arrived a few minutes after Coleen left and it was fun after that. Seemed like Roberta was talking really loud. She was amped up a bit for some reason. I guess she was happy to be out with friends. I was getting annoyed by everything all night.

At one point during the evening I found myself talking to Jami one on one. I feel like she really wants to be more than friends but I just don't feel that way. And there is no way I could even say it to her without coming off really bad. The way I see Jami is she can really drink. She likes to have shots with her beer. It's really scary to watch. She get's pie eyed pretty much every time I see her. And I drink too. Just not like that.

So once again it will be Valentines Day that I will be alone. Like that's how it's meant to be. I've never been able to get that day the way I want. I must have the worst karma.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Sitting in Limbo

Here I sit on Friday afternoon still working but thinking about my weekend. I'm going to the bar for happy hour. I'll try not to stay more than a few hours. There is still a tentative plan for dinner but I get the feeling no one really is commited to it. Coleen's boyfriend is back so who knows if she doesn't have a different plan. I haven't heard from her since last Sunday. And don't think I don't hear the silence.... I'm suffering from cabin fever big time.

So I'm going out tonight but not expecting much action. I've got all of $70 for the rest of the week so I'll need to be careful with my money. It always seems like when I'm short of cash is when I have the most opportunity to socialize.

So tomorrow I'll tell you how it goes.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It's Thursday

Last night I had Lisa over for dinner. Nothing fancy, just some frozen chicken dish I'd bought from the freezer section in the store. So we ate and shared a bottle of wine and looked at pictures from when I was little. We talked about my dad and her sister who passed away last summer. It was just nice and relaxing. So I drank too much wine and I'm paying the price now.

Her boyfriend Carmine has been away in Florida for almost a month and is scheduled to return this weekend. I certainly got to see her a lot while he was away. I'm sure that changes as soon as Carmine is back. What's really wierd is I'm more than fine with that. I'm used to her not being around much any more. Last night was one of the first time she seemed to relax a little since last summer. One of the few times I felt more like a friend and not just an obligation.

There is a planned dinner this Saturday for Indian food with Coleen and a bunch of others including her boyfrend Mark. I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm in a finacial crunch right now and I've also not spoken to her since last weekend. So nothing is confirmed and I'm starting to wonder what to do. I did send a message to her but got only a short response. So tomorrow I'll have to figure it out.

Tomorrow will be diffecult for me to go to the bar. But I'm getting really stir crazy in the house. I think they call it cabin fever. I can go for 2 drinks so I guess I'll venture out and see what happens. But it will need to be an early night.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

no emtry today

Do you miss me? I need to know!  I'll be back tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Nothing today

I didn't really have much to blog about today. I didn't reach out to Mom and Dad in Florida. I figure I can give them a break. It's been an extremely stress filled week. I want to focus on something else at least for the moment.

I got quite a bit done at work today and I'm pretty well set for work over the next week. I get to work from home. I need to focus more while I work at home. I've been thinking about how I could go to Florida to help mom. It would be nice if I could still work and be down there for a while. Maybe it's possible.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Giants win!

After a week of bad news and despair, my dad's beloved Giants won the Super Bowl. It feels like a gift from God. If only we could have all good news today.

I've always liked the Jets, but last night I felt like I really needed the Giants to win and give my dad something good to have. Because the other news has been beyond bad. Although there will be a second opinion, the initial diagnosis for my dad is that he has cancer in his rectum, liver and lungs. The doctor estimates that his likely prognosis is 1 year with treatment or 6 months without treatment. He's decided he will not get any invasive treatment. Which I guess means he's got 6 months. He's 75 and he's been sick with emphysema for more that 10 years so any additional medication will probably hurt more than help. We all expected that he would eventually get sick from that. It's a shock that it's cancer.

I called him Sunday several times and he feels sick a lot but other than that he says he's okay. I need to book a trip down there before the end of the month. I don't know how long he can remain active but I hope it will be at least 3 or 4 months.

I spent the game at the bar and had Coleen next to me most of the night. I wonder if she knows how much I have a crush on her? We made a lot of eye contact last night. I haven't felt this way since I was in my 20's. Her boyfriend returns from his trip on Tuesday. I just feel that they aren't really connected at all. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see but she said that while he's been away he hasn't called her at all. I told her I'd see her next Friday.

Which brings me to my next problem. I pretty much spent all my money and I will not get paid again until the 15th. That's a week from Friday. If I want to see Coleen I'll have to borrow money. 

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Sorry - I skipped Saturday

I can't decide what direction to go today. While I am still reeling from the horribly bad news about my dad having cancer I still went out to the bar on Friday and Saturday to try and enjoy myself. And today is Super Bowl Sunday.

My dad is home from the hospital and I need to call but I've been putting it off for some reason. I can't imagine what he must be going through and I want to tell him how much I love him and want him to I'm here for whatever he needs. I'll call him right after I finish this entry.

My Friday night was quiet and somewhat disappointing. I spoke to Lisa before leaving the office and she was supposed to see her friend Paul but at the last minute he cancelled. So I thought I might have dinner with her but it wasn't definate and I thought she might not want to even see me. So at 7 p.m. I called and left a message and felt that she was unavailable. So I headed for the bar even though I wasn't expecting anyone else to be there. Lisa called me on my cell when I was almost there and she was just staying at home. So I made a plan for dinner on Saturday. I went to the bar because I did think there was a chance Coleen would be there. She wasn't. So I just relaxed and enjoyed some wine. Janet came in at around 10 but I left at a little after 11. Not much of a night.  

Saturday morning Janet called me and I told her of my plans to see Lisa and would be a no show that night. Then at 2 pm I got a text message from Coleen to have lunch. I was there in 15 minutes. It was just her and me for the whole afternoon. Her boyfriend was on a trip and she wanted to hang out with me! We had some drinks, played songs on the jukebox, played some pool, went for a ride to check on the boat. It was a great day.

I was ready to blow off dinner with Lisa. But I just couldn't. I told Coleen I had to meet Lisa for dinner and I could tell she wished I didn't go. So we made a plan for the Super Bowl party and I said bye and headed to out to see Lisa.

I decided at dinner I needed to tell Lisa about Coleen. So I did. I told her all about my afternoon and how confused I am because Coleen's boyfriend doesn't seem like he's really committed to her. That was what our dinner conversation revolved about. We finished dinner and went back to her house and she got tired and I left there by 9:30. A little earlier than I expected, but I figured it was still early enough to go back to the bar.

I got to the bar by 10and Janet and Roberta were there. And wow were they drunk. I was a little worried about Janet getting home. I was there for an hour then went home. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone tonight.

Well, time to call my dad in Florida.

Friday, February 1, 2008

More bad news out of Florida

My Dad spent last night still in the hospital. The oncologyst couldn't see him until this morning. And then that news was all bad. There is cancer in my dad's liver. The only option is to operate, but first they need to get a second opinion. But in all likelihood the only course of treatment will be an operation, which given my dad's age and other health issues makes it very risky. I don't know how well he could handle chemo or radiology. I'm very afraid right now. Lisa keeps asking me for news and my initial urge to tell someone has now changed to not really wanting to deal with it. I want to hide and hope it goes away.

I need to go to Florida.