Thursday, December 29, 2005

All is quiet this week

Lisa went away to Arizona until Saturday. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day until she comes back. It means getting up early and getting home from work late. I think I see her cats now more than I see her. It's a trade off since she has always been there to feed my guys.

No emails from Janet this week. I have the urge to send her something but I don't really have much to say. I've pretty much decided that I won't see her until New Years but if she reaches out to me of course I'll probably be there - where ever that might be.

Before Lisa left we had a discussion about how my relationship with Janet is evolving. She said it sounds very much like the same kind of friendship the I have with her... like it's a pattern repeating itself. That's something I already knew. I keep thinking back to Carolyn and how she was so up front sexually and how I felt all I needed to do was create the right time and place to get her. And I still might but I think my life is better off not getting involved with someone who is still part of a marriage even if she insists she is leaving.

One of the things that bothers me most is how I never been able to make someone fall in love with me. They either love me or they don't. I also am thinking that after knowing Janet for more than 2 years the only way I can change the dynamics of what we have will need to be talked about and not just suddenly appear. So I have been thinking how to have that kind of conversation without seeming too desperate. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas with Janet or stupid is what stupid does

So I arrive at Janet's and her kids had already gone to their father's for Christmas dinner so we are alone. I feel really awkward. Janet doesn't give me the warm and fuzzy feeling I just left. My thoughts are still there. You think this was part of Lisa's plan? If it was, it worked. So we sat and relaxed with a glass of wine. She opened my present to her. She was pleasant although not really very enthusiastic. My mind was still on Lisa. Dammit. I spent the entire evening trying to get that feeling from Janet that Lisa gave me and I couldn't. And Janet is tremendously hot. We went to a restuarant with her mom and her brother Bill's family. They all made feel very welcome and comfortable.

During dinner my cell rings and I let it go to voicemail. It was Lisa. She makes me crazy. I was just starting to purge her out of my mind. I didn't listen to the message. But I knew it was there.

After dinner I went with Janet back to her house ... kids due back any minute. But we shared some more wine. I guess we will always be able to do that. As soon as we sit down Janet decides to call Suzy. Obviously not wanting to have to have an intimate moment with me. And of course I'm feeling awkward. Because I'm alone with a beautiful woman and don't have any signals that say "make a move". When the kids get there it's almost a relief as I was getting more and more tense. I think we both felt it.

So after an hour or so I decide it's best if I head home .... it was 9:30. I was really thinking I could still see Lisa before it was too late. Yes - she was still in my head and I hadn't heard what the message said. Anxious to hear it I said goodnight and gave Janet a kiss and said I would call tomorrow.

Listened to the message. Lisa just said to call. So I called her house. I seemed to have awakened her. She was sleeping.... probably from drinking too much at Ellen's. I told her to go back to sleep. Of course my brain thinks the possibility that she made a booty call to Tom and they were together in bed. I resisted the urge to do a drive by. Now I wanted to go back to Janet's. Couldn't do that. So home I went, feeling really alone and defeated.

Merry Christmas.

I must be an idiot

Thank God Christmas is over. I am more confused than ever. I made plans to spend as much time with Janet as I could. We spent Friday night having drinks in out little Italian restaurant and for a change none of the other girls showed up. I gave Janet her present from Florida which she seemed to really like. I felt more like a date than any other time I was with her. So of course I get calls from Lisa on my cell. She was dealing with the pre-holiday stress and wanted me to join her. I put the phone in my car so as not to need to deal with her. Her voice always gets me though and when I listened to the message I had just said bye to Janet and while I was in the car I saw Janet talking to Gary. Gary really likes Janet and I didn't need to watch and see if they were getting together so I took off. All the while I am listening to Lisa's message pleading with me to come by. It was midnight and I knew it was way too late.

So we talked the next day and she said she was up until one. How close I was to doing a drive by. So I spent Saturday, which was also Christmas Eve, seeing Lisa. At least for part of the day. She stopped by to join me for our traditional egg nog. Then we ran some errands together which included getting some last chance presents at the toy store. I needed to wrap about 20 presents so she left at about 1 p.m. and I got to it. She called and we realized I had one of her neices presents mixed in with mine so I needed to go to her house before I could go to my family's Christmas. She said Tom would be there at about 2 and she was leaving at 3. Tom is the married guy she has had an affair with for what has to be going on 10 years. So at 2:30 I called from the car to say I was on the way and I got no answer at her house or on her cell. So I'm thinking thay are having what must be their traditional Christmas fuck. I get egg nog and he gets laid. Don't get me started. I am really having ugly thoughts. Can I even ask?

So I go to Joe's house to pick up a gift there instead of going to Lisa's. I end up going there after that and by then the coast is clear. No Tom... I still have never met him and I'd like to keep it that way. Long story. So I pretty much give Lisa her package and promise to stop in at her sister's after my family gathering breaks up. I figure around 10.

Well my family goes late and her's ends early so she calls me at 9:30 and we agree it's pointless for me to go there. She wants me to come to Christmas dinner. Maryliz wants me to come to dinner at her house. But I was having dinner with Janet and her family. I also have brunch at Barry's house. To top it all off I walk out to a flat tire that I had to change first thing in the morning. So I get to Barry's late then I went to Lisa's sister's and ended up getting there before she did. So I said hello to all her family. They all know me so it was good to see them. Then Lisa arrives. She wore a black skirt and an angora sweater that had just the right amount of cleavage. And she was giving me lots of attention and really trying to convince me to stay longer. Oh she looked so good. My little head and my big head were having a really hard time deciding what to do. Of course I do the right thing. I left and headed for Janet's. Lisa walks me to the door. I say good-bye and walk toward the car and she watches me. She is irresistable looking. As I drive away I see her give me the saddest wave good-bye I'd seen since I watched my teenage girlfriend drive away to college over 25 years ago. I'll never forget how I wanted to go back.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas

Lisa wants me to come to his sister's house on Christmas Eve. It would have been nice to have been thought of sooner than yesterday. Still it would have been my first choice if I had not already committed to being with my family on the 24th and Janet's family on the 25th. I still want to make an appearance. Which I think is pretty stupid. I should really be only looking towards my evening with Janet and just tell Lisa she is too late.

I have trying to convince myself that Janet is thinking about me. I really can't see any intimacy between us. Just friendship. But I am set up to spend lots of time with her. Seeing her on Friday, then Christmas Day then on New Years Eve. Are these dates? No. Just time together ... as if that means anything.

Am I doing this to make Lisa jealous? That would be good except I tell her nothing is happening and she has nothing to be jealous over.

So I'm just going with the flow and not putting too much pressure on myself. I have a present for Janet so I'll see what happens from that.   

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Mid week blues

Some how I managed to blow through $3000 dollars this month. I don't see how that's possible. I have at least 2 years of budget that I must adhear to. Yet I am still considering doing more this winter.

I received an email from Janet yesterday. Nothing earth shattering... just a picture that was meant to make me laugh. But it gets me wondering if she thinks about me more than she lets on. Of course I sent something back. She has never been very chatty with emails. Sometimes she goes back and forth but only if she has something to say about plans being made but for the most part she stays busy with work.

I sat home last night wanting to reach out to her even though I don't have a reason. If I could have I would have called Lisa but since she is working at the center she can't have conversations.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm so lost

Can't get any where with Janet or Lisa. I guess I'm just someone who will always have the "friendships" but not able to take it to the next level.

Friday night had dinner with Janet, Roberta, Suzy, and Judy. Yeah... me and the girls. Gary was there but didn't join us for some reason. We also had this guy Nester hanging around Suzy which I could tell she was enjoying the attention. Roberta kept trying to bait Suzy into a fight. All that drama and Janet either was above it or just didn't pay any attention. Then we went to Gallerger's Bar in Sea Cliff. In comes this guy Gary... apparently an old flame of Janet's .... only cemment from Janet was "This is why I was afraid to come here." Gary was hitting on Janet for about an hour and she didn't seem comfortable. She handled it though. Roberta said she Janet might go home with him but she shouldn't. I tried not to react but inside I was dying. I was a little drunk at this point, too. I spent too much money too. Of the $160 I started the night with I left with about $30.  So as we left I walked Janet to her car. I had a gift for her in my car but didn't give it to her. She did give me an extra big hug. I didn't go for more. I never do until it's way too late.

I called Janet the next night to see if she would be out but she said she was home for the night and would be doing holiday baking for her church pageant the next day. So I called Lisa and we went Christmas shopping and then had dinner. It was very unexciting. I wanted to but Janet a present but didn't want to do it in front of Lisa. So I shopped for 4 hours and didn't buy anybody a present. Still gotta get it done. After dinner Lisa and I hung out at her house for about an hour then I went home.

I felt very sad and empty when I left. I am still alone and the holiday blues are getting me down. Part of me can't wait until it's over. Somehow I think I have tell Janet I have feelings for her but in a way that if she can't return them we can still be friends.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Weekend plans

It's Friday morning and once again I head into the weekend with hopes and anticipation. This weekend Lisa is out and Janet is in. We've been emailing back and forth this morning. Dinner at the favorite Italian restaurant tonight and maybe dinner at her house again tomorrow. For the first time since I met Janet I have some money in my pocket. I have a present for her that I'm not sure how to give to her. Then we have dinner planned for Christmas. Are these dates or not?

Lisa was sending me text messages and emails all week but I am really not feeling anything anymore. I still love her with all my soul but what I get back no longer has any potential. So I want to focus my time and energy on something that might... of course even that possibility is remote.

I was thinking on the train as I always do. It's become so hard to imagine having a girlfriend I can no longer even picture it. How do I seduce someone? Do I take the inititive or just follow their lead? Sometimes I think I should sleep with my ex-wife just so I can gain some confidence. Of course that would be wrong in so many ways. I went to see her last night and she cried about her dad again. She seems so lonely right now. If I fall into that trap I'll carry the guilt for a very long time. I swear to God if I don't have some intimacy soon I'm going to give up. I'll never give up.

Earlier this week I made a call to Tracy. You might remember Tracy had knee surgury right after our one and only date. She is so devistated she would see or call me. But now she is back at work even though her knee is still causing her severe pain. It was good to hear her. She seems in good spirits. We chatted for almost half an hour. Her knee however limits her social availability. Probably not going to see her for a while.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Another night home alone

Went home last night and just ate dinner. I enjoyed a quiet night where my only interruption came in cell phone text messages from .... who else... Lisa. She wanted to know if we could have cognac after she finished her night at the center at 11 o'clock. I replied I'd be up. She thought I would bring it to her. Fat chance. It was about 15 degrees out and the car I have has very little heat. I told her to come over to me. She wouldn't so I never did see her last night.

I'm guessing the planets will never aligne for us to have any more than the friendship she has. Trouble is I know the day is coming where she will find someone who she thinks is right for her but who I know is really just looking for something easy and then move on.... like all the others she has always managed to attach herself to. I don't relish the thought of dealing with that. I only hope I am in a better place soon.

Brings me to Janet. I am quite thrilled that she thinks enough of me to go to dinner on Christmas. Can't seem to get past the idea that I could have more than friendship. So I will look forward to seeing her when I can and try not to get my hopes up and yet try to be a little more assertive.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Date with Lisa ... sort of.

I got back from Florida on Saturday instead of Friday. So I missed my chance to see Janet on Friday night but I was looking forward to Saturday night anyway as I have made plans for dinner and dancing with Lisa. We had been having great conversations while I was away ... pretty much having a nightly goodbye call. So when we made plans I got it into my head that I was going to be assertive and make one more try at affection from Lisa.

So right away I was put off as Lisa decided to have dinner with someone from her yoga center. So I had dinner alone and realized I would still go dancing. We went out at 9:30 and didn't know where to go. I wanted to see live music and Lisa wanted to go to a DJ dance place that has a really young crowd. Lisa won. We went to this place and were out of money in an hour, but danced.... she is so sexy when she dances. We left pretty early. We were both tired and I took her home around 12:30. I had pretty much been trying to kiss her all night and she wasn't having any of it. At her door I really tried and she just pushed me off and went upstairs to her apartment. I went home feeling pretty bad, but also knowing that if I'm not appealing to her now I never would be.

So Sunday I called Janet. We had a great conversation and she invited me to have dinner on Christmas day. I'm determined to stop thinking about Lisa nad start paying attention to Janet as she seems to like me more than I realized. But we are still friends and I've never been successful at changing that.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Middle of the week

Still here in Florida. Not doing much. Spent entire day with Dad. We did chores in the garage but at least we got enough done. Getting a lot of quality time and I feel good about that. You see, my dad has emphezema so every day here is precious. It's hard to guess what the next trip may be like.

I've been getting midnight phone calls from Lisa. She is working so much at the center .... early in the morning until late at night and then she has to run to my house and feed my cats and only then can she go home to bed. She's probably averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. I told her I would take her to dinner on Saturday night and then she should go home early since she will be busy on Sunday. She responded by saying she want to go dancing. Now I get to find a place for that. She also wants me to come to the Christmas party Friday night but I had asked Janet to meet me for a drink at Stango's. I feel like I should go to Lisa's thing because she has done so much for me while I'm away. But Janet will be more fun.

Stay tuned. Meanwhile I'm here in Florida for 2 more days. Then back to the snow and cold of New York.   

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was making out with this girl. She didn't look like anyone I know but she had red hair and freckles. Very Irish looking. Maybe it was fortuitious. Maybe my passion is starting to awaken.  

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Almost a week has gone by

I'm in Florida visiting Mom and Dad. Got here Friday morning. My brother Barry was here with me until today. We had planned to scuba dive until Friday but something came up at his job. My sister is also here with a friend of hers. She leaves on Tuesday. So I get to spend the last 2 and a half days with just the parents.

Lisa drove me to the airport on Friday. She picked me up at 5 a.m.and we almost didn't make it in time because her car was not working right. We got 15 minutes out and then turned back and got my car. I just made my flight. We've been chatting several times a day since I've been here. I miss her.

I'm also missing Janet. I sent her an email on Friday about how the weather is. She reminded me to wear sunscreen. 

Before I left last Thursday night I went to Roberta's house to pick up some things I'd left after the party last week. We had pizza and chatted about my life. I may have let out just a little too much about my feelings for Janet but I really wanted some feedback about if there was anything there other than friendship. I left with more questions than answers. I wonder a little about how Roberta feels about me too.

I always seem to come back from Florida ready to make thing happen. Maybe the time I take here clears my head. I am hoping I can come home and have some movement that takes me in a new direction. I may be able to clear up my bad financial position by then too.