I'm so lost

Can't get any where with Janet or Lisa. I guess I'm just someone who will always have the "friendships" but not able to take it to the next level.

Friday night had dinner with Janet, Roberta, Suzy, and Judy. Yeah... me and the girls. Gary was there but didn't join us for some reason. We also had this guy Nester hanging around Suzy which I could tell she was enjoying the attention. Roberta kept trying to bait Suzy into a fight. All that drama and Janet either was above it or just didn't pay any attention. Then we went to Gallerger's Bar in Sea Cliff. In comes this guy Gary... apparently an old flame of Janet's .... only cemment from Janet was "This is why I was afraid to come here." Gary was hitting on Janet for about an hour and she didn't seem comfortable. She handled it though. Roberta said she Janet might go home with him but she shouldn't. I tried not to react but inside I was dying. I was a little drunk at this point, too. I spent too much money too. Of the $160 I started the night with I left with about $30.  So as we left I walked Janet to her car. I had a gift for her in my car but didn't give it to her. She did give me an extra big hug. I didn't go for more. I never do until it's way too late.

I called Janet the next night to see if she would be out but she said she was home for the night and would be doing holiday baking for her church pageant the next day. So I called Lisa and we went Christmas shopping and then had dinner. It was very unexciting. I wanted to but Janet a present but didn't want to do it in front of Lisa. So I shopped for 4 hours and didn't buy anybody a present. Still gotta get it done. After dinner Lisa and I hung out at her house for about an hour then I went home.

I felt very sad and empty when I left. I am still alone and the holiday blues are getting me down. Part of me can't wait until it's over. Somehow I think I have tell Janet I have feelings for her but in a way that if she can't return them we can still be friends.