Monday, October 31, 2005

Weekend Part 3 Halloween Party

Lisa and I arrived at the party togther. The party was taking place on a boat in Port Washington. From the parking lot we could see the light show Joe had set up making it very easy to find where the party was. We got on the boat and I could see only the people who had gone on the trip upstate from 2 weeks before and only Lisa was new to the group. I introduced her to all the people she didn’t know. I could see right away this was already turning into a typical party with scuba pictures. The PC was set up and they were all quietly looking at pictures of God knows what. I immediately looked at Lisa and said if we can’t get this going we would not stay long.

To my pleasant surprise Janet arrived with her friend Suzy in tow only minutes after we got there. I had already put a CD in the player but still had the volume down a little. I gave all the introductions of Janet and Suzy and Joe, like the good host he is, imbraced their arrival despite having told me no extra guests and made sure everyone had drinks. I didn’t wait long before I kicked up the volume and got Lisa dancing soon to be joined by everyone else. We went crazy… everybody loved my music and for once it was a great party.

I spent some time with Janet and Suzy, danced a lot with Lisa but kept my eye on Janet. It was very overwhelming having two girls there that I really wanted to date but neither of them really likes me that way. I keep thinking that I should have made up my mind that I was going to make out with Lisa because looking back I think I could have. We had a moment when she was eating a pepperoni and said to me “I hope my breath isn’t bad from this.” I said I’ll check and tried to make a pass at her. She at first backed away… but then changed her mind and gave me a very sensual lips only kiss. Stupid me decided she wasn’t that interested, but actually I had taken her off guard and now she was ready for it but I backed off. Once again not assertive. Thinking way too much. I was still holding out hope that Janet would like me. I am such a mess. I can’t seem to get the vibe I needed. That’s all I needed was a certain look. Today I am looking back and thinking how easy it could have been to have gotten swept up in the moment and taken Lisa to a quiet spot. It could have happened.  It should have happened. But once again I let her dictate my actions.

Ten minutes later I realized that Lisa was fading fast. I knew if I let her sit she would be asleep and Janet said she and Suzy were looking to head home. It was late ... a good four hours had past since out arrival. I took my cue from that and also grabbed my coat. We had all had a great time even if I couldn’t get it to turn sexual. At least I don't feel like I should need to apologize to anyone.

Weekend Part 2 - Halloween

When Saturday started I knew I was going to have my hands full. I called Janet and she was in the middle of a pedicure but she was planning on coming to the party – yea! Problem was so was Lisa and she wanted me to drive which is what I wanted too. So I talked Janet into driving herself. I figured after that last night she was looking to me as a friend, not someone who she would date. I was hopeful she would be okay with driving and she was. Probably more of a problem for me because I have hopes.

So then I spoke to Roberta and then Judy and they gave every indication that they would be going too. So I had invited 4 girls to one party that wasn’t even my party. It was Joe’s party and he had already told me he didn’t want any more people comeing than already were. But you can’t unring a bell and I also knew that once I got them there Joe would warm up to them and change his mind.

You need to understand what up to now these parties have been like. All divers and their dive pictures. Thousands of pictures. All night long more pictures. I wanted to shake this party up or I wasn’t going to anymore of them. I was bringing some dance music CD’s as I detemined to get everyone dancing.

I was all set to pick up Lisa later. Janet would come with the other girls later and it all seemed to be working out until four o’clock when I called Janet and she said Roberta and Judy both had sore throats and wouldn’t be going to the party. First thing I thought was Janet was about to bail too, but she assured me she was planning to attend and would be bringing Suzy.

I hung up thinking no way she was coming. So at 7 o’clock I get to Lisa’s house and she answers the door in a bathrobe. I said “nice costume.” She replied, “very funny… I’m not ready yet.” She showed me her outfit and it was supposed to be Trinity from the movie “The Matrix.” Although she doesn’t really have the same body type as Trinity she did look very sexy in the outfit. Lisa has a great body. So after 45 minutes we were out the door and heading for the party.

Would Janet show up? We were late … what if she got there before us? Read the next part.

Weekend Part 1

I got called on the way home Friday night to meet Janet and friends. They were having drinks and dinner at an Italian restaurant in Glen Cove. So I left the house and got there at 7:30 and they had about a 30 minute head start on me.

We all were drinking wine and Janet, Roberta and Judy were standing at the bar talking to these two guys that had been part of a trip to Block Island earlier last month. I divided my time between Janet and Roberta and I was trying to figure out who these guys were. The two guys both seemed interested in the same thing I was and of course were more forward about it. So I would find myself talking to Judy a lot.

Judy is nice but let's face it... she has been hit with the ugly stick a little bit. She is very heavy and dresses like a lesbian. In fact, one of her friends saw her in the dim light and thought she was a guy.

As always Janet was being social and pretty much talking to everyone. She came over to me and we got a menu and ordered some dinner. She gave me some attention and I felt pretty at home with all my friends. Nothing sexual happening at all. 

Roberta was going on about a bar the Sea Cliff that was closing and how she really wanted to see if they were having a last weekend in business bash. It was a bar I had always been a little afraid to go into. But everyone was going and I didn’t want to be a party pooper so I got in my car and headed up to a place called Little Buster’s. Little Buster’s was also known as Louie’s and was located on the ground floor of what I could only call a flop-house hotel on the edge os one of Glen Cove’s seediest neighborhoods. I wish I could say I am free of all prejudiece and able to live in a black and white world but the plain truth is I’m not. So when I looked in the window and saw a bar with only blacks and mostly male I was very apprehensive about going in. To top it all off my cell phone had a message from Lisa that she was getting off work early and would be home soon if I wanted to stop by. I was standing out front listening to her message and when no one had showed up yet I started to think I’d been tricked. I left a short message for Lisa and peeked inside and saw that they had arrived through the back door.

So in I went but very, very uncomfortable. Everyone was there including the two new guys that I’d just met. Everyone else seemed okay although it was not the festive occasion that we had expected. Apparently their closing was put off another month so there was no party. Only a DJ that was still setting up. So I had a beer and tried to relax and figured if I just kept smiling no one would notice how uncomfortable I was. Then my cell rang and it was Lisa so I stepped outside so we could talk. I decided I wouldn’t abandon my friends so I told Lisa I would not come by, although I really wanted to. While I was talking to her I looked on the ground at this thing that at first looked like a dried leaf but in fact was a dead mouse. That was it … I know I wasn’t long for this place. But I went back inside the bar and made the best of it.

I danced with Roberta for a while and she said to me “I’m going to find a girl for you.” She then grabs the homliest girl I ever saw and introduced us. Next thing I know she’s gone and I’m dancing with this girl who, as near as I could tell, was the only white girl in the place. I looked around and saw Janet talking to one of the younger guys and he had his arm around her but she was holding her hands away. She wasn’t pushing him away though so I just decided I wasn’t going to torture myselfby watching and spent the rest of my time either dancing with Roberta of talking to Judy. Then I noticed the guy and Janet going out the back although Janet had left her coat. Obviously the guy had to go and she just walked him out as she came right back in. He had said he had an early wake up the next day. I’m not sure if they have a history but it won’t surprise me a bit if Janet and he aren’t involved in some way.

So before we all left I made sure to ask them one more time if they wanted to come to the Halloween party on Saturday. They all said yes. Now on to the next part.   

Friday, October 28, 2005

It's only 3 o'clock on Friday

The longest day of the week. I just got off the phone with Lisa. She called me from some garage that was fixing her car. She isn't wanting to go to this party.... her words "but I've nothing else to do" ... so she going or not? She is hoping for a better offer?

Seems like I've been getting a lot of calls from her at unexpected times. I wish that didn't mean that much to me. She called me last Saturday at 1:30 in the a.m. Then on Sunday, and again twice during the week. Always just as I go to bed. I'm sure she is just lonely before she goes to bed but damn... I don't have that option. When I feel lonely before bed I just get to lay there. One thing about when she calls I seem to sleep much better. I guess I feel loved and that makes me relax.

So what about Roberta? If she wants me to come to where she is I could end up with 2 faux dates.

Here comes another weekend

It's Halloween on Monday so Saturday there are parties galore. The main one will be on Joe's boat and I invited every girl I could dispite Joe saying I could only bring a single guest. I can't get a straight answer from Lisa. I think all she really wants to do is stay home and drink wine until she passes out. So she is reluctantly saying she will go to the party and then she says maybe not. Janet doesn't want to have anything to do with costumes, so I'm pretty sure I won't see her on Saturday. I wonder what that's all about. Roberta has been sending me regular emails and seems to be very excited about this weekend. I'm starting to feel that she likes me just a little more than I thought. I must admit I think I would like to see where I could take that. Roberta is just a timy bit older than me ... I think maybe a year or two. She told me she is over 50 but how much older is just a guess. She has a very Irish look to her which I loke alot. So I've been encouraged by her attention but might get myself into a problem as Lisa will want to go with me and I'll shoot myself in the foot to be with her.  

Monday, October 24, 2005

My weekend update

I put some more pictures from my upstate 2 weeks ago. Just something to look at I guess. I've got to wonder if anyone ever sees this but me.

On Saturday I went to an outdoor Power Squadron Boating Association Stag Cruise. While there I ate and drank and mostly watched others play poker.  I got cell phone calls from Judy and Lisa. Judy wanted me to go see a band in Glen Cove that night. Lisa just wanted to watch TV. The weather was pretty bad so I decided to go home by around 7.

While heading home on Saturday night I text messaged Lisa and she was at her sister's.  I guess TV got boring. We traded messages back and forth. She didn't ask me to come and even though I am almost like family to them I decided I couldn’t just go uninvited. So I went to Glen Cove where Judy was and because I knew Janet would be at the Downtown bar where the band was playing. I got there at 9:30 with only about $40 so I knew I would probably not stay too long.

I got there too early so I felt pretty ridiculous with no one to talk too but I made the best of it watching the World Series Game 1 on TV. I started to consider this as a bad move since I was spending the last of my pocket money for the week and here I was alone and not even sure if I wanted to be there. I started thinking I should have crashed the gathering at Lisa’s sister’s house. Then the band started and I saw Janet, Roberta, and Judy come in and I felt better. I ended up talking to Roberta a lot. She really wants to go to the Halloween party.  At first Janet didn’t see me so when she did I got a really nice hello. She looked great in a leopard print shirt and jeans that really show what a great ass she has. They had been drinking margaritas so they all had a pretty good buzz.

So I ended up stay longer than I expected. When Roberta and Jady left I still had more to drink and Janet didn’t look like she was leaving so I figured I may as well stay on the off chance I could talk to her with out so many other people involved in the conversation. We didn’t really talk at all because it was a little loud. So when the band stopped I finished my drink and told her I should really get going. She said she would leave with me. We walked to the parking lot just talking and she asked if I wanted to come by on Sunday she would open some wine. Not in a romantic way though. I had to so no as I had to go to the burial of my ex-father-in-law on Sunday at 11:30. Maybe when that was over? 

So she hopped in the SUV and I got in my car and I was home by around 1:30. My cell phone had a message from Lisa on it from around 11 saying she was on her way home. Too late to call back I figured I’d just go home and to bed. So I get home and just before my head hit the pillow my phone rings. What? At 1:30? It’s Lisa… she didn’t feel well. She wasn’t sure what was wrong but she needed Alka-seltzer. She sounded really scared so I went to Walgreens and bought the Alka-seltzer and went to her house. My little voice also kept saying “booty call.” Reality says no.

So I got there and she was laying in her bed awake hold her abdomin and obviously this was no booty call. She was wear full pajamas that looked like something a 5 year-old might have. I made the plop-plop-fizz-fizz and she drank it down. Then I turned off all the lights and layed down next to her and rubbed her back until sleep overtook me. At 5 a.m. I must have started to snore because she woke me up. I knew I needed to go home so I said feel better and went home to get some real sleep.  

So Sunday became all about my ex-wife and her father's burial. In the Jewish tradition there is no funeral or wake. Only a burial that needs to take place quickly and since he died late on Thursday he wasn't ready until Sunday morning. Brenda, my ex, was still very upset but I couldn’t help feeling that part of her grief was more about what people expected than her real inner feelings. You see, I've always felt she has a certain insencere quality with her emotions. It may only be difference from her family and mine but she was getting more emotional when she would first talk to other people about her loss.... almost turning it on and off. I wish I could be sure but being an ex-husband it's better not to try to psycho-analyze too much. I look for flaws when I should just be more accepting. I think I keep trying to validate our divorce.

So the burial went better than I expected. We were afraid there would only be 4 or 5 people there but a few of Brenda's friends came and she sent a car for her Aunt Molly to come from Brooklyn. My brother Barry came with his family so there were a number of morners there. Another traditions is the morners must shovel enough dirt into the grave to cover the casket. It was a lot more shoveling than I expected. Thank God there wasn't any rain. Afterwards I spent 5 hours back at her house with other morners. Several more people came by to pay respects.

So I finally got out of there around 6 p.m. Too late to see Janet. I called. Sorry … Maybe another time then. It was just as well as I was exhausted and needed to sleep early.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Yesterday my ex-wife's father passed away. He was 96. Even though we have been divorced for 10 years she has asked that I stand with her during the burial. I don't really want to but I couldn't say no.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Back to Lisa. We had dinner together for the last 2 nights. She took a few days off from work. Why? Certainly not for me. Her married-living-in-another-state-boyfriend was in New York for an annual conference. So she spent Sunday night and Monday night shacked up in some hotel in Manhatten then came home and called me up. I saw no good in talking about it. I just made her pay for dinner both nights since she was insisting we eat together.

So what else has to happen but her car died yesterday afternoon. So I helped her puch it to a service station. Then get got a bottle of wine and I watched tv at her place until about 10:30. Felt like old times.

Monday, October 17, 2005

More going on


So I spent the rest of the last weekend in upstate NY. I have a picture from a park overlooking the Hudson Valley. I could have spent Saturday with Janet and her friends but at the time it seemed like a better idea to look another direction than Janet. The weekend was fun but I was missing Janet. I doubt she was thinking about me but the heart isn't that smart.

What's Going On?

So many thing to say this will probably take more than one part. Where to begin?

Friday night started fine. Janet and Roberta were meeting me at Ruby Tuesday for a drink right after work which for me is 7 o'clock. I get there and it's just Janet and me for about 20 minutes. While I was enjoying myself with her company I felt unusually uncomfortable. I still find it very diffecult to have a one-on-one moment with someone I really like. I was putting pressure on myself to either impress her or make something happen. My heart says one thing and my brain says something else. I was relaxed and we chatted but I kept looking around the room and not at her.

Then Sue showed up followed by Roberta. I never really felt connected with Janet. It's that little voice that says she's just not that into me. So the decision was made to move it on to go dancing somewhere. That was fun. I started out not feeling like I wanted to not stay long. But we started dancing and I found myself wanting to dance more. Been a long time since I'd felt that free. Still I had to go earlier than anyone else.

Before I left I got a phone call from Lisa. She was home and wanted to share a drink with me. I told her I was out and wouldn't be able to. She didn't sound too disappointed.

More later.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Blame it on the rain.

It's been raining here for a solid week. Last 48 hours it's been torrential. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it's very hard. Between the rain and lack of money I've been housebound other than work.

On Tuesday I received a message from Lisa to come out for a glass of wine... I had to bring the wine. I had to tell her no because not only didn't I have any wine or money to get wine, but I didn't even have enough gas in the car to get there and back. So I turned down her invitation and stayed home. I wonder if she missed me as much I missed her.

I also heard from Janet. She wanted me to go to the Oyster Festival on Saturday, which I can't do becuase I'm going upstate and won't be back until Sunday. I had hoped she would go Sunday. It's still a possibility. She also mentioned a night out next weekend at the Downtown Bar. I can't do that either. I'll be out on Barry's boat at Tobay that weekend. You think it might make her miss me more? Does that ever work? Why do I have a feeling she will be introducing me to some guy and I'll be mad that I'd passed up these opportunities. It's still 3 weeks away but I am looking forward to the dinner/wine tasting next month. I expect that will be the next time I see Janet.

I have Joe's Halloween party in 2 weeks. I was trying to get Janet and some of her friends to go but Joe is getting all bent about no guests at HIS party. I may do a fly by and then go to something else. His parties are just not exciting enough. There is always plenty of food and drinks but no one does anything interesting. I can only do so much. Lisa has suggested playing a party game.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Monday - Columbus Day

It's a holiday for many people but for me it's another day in the office. While on the train I got a call on my cell from Lisa. Seems her car won't start. I couldn't do much as since I was already held captive by the LIRR. Felt like I should turn around and help but that wouldn't be the right thing at all. She has to make do. I really do wish I could have helped her. She calls me I'm supposed to be there - right? Oh well, now she will get help from someone more capable.

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Lost weekend

Didn't do anything this weekend. Needed to lay low and not spend any money. I finished the weekend with the same $1.50 I started with. I did try to take in a movie with Lisa but she wasn't up to  it. She said she needed to nap at home and I said call me if you change your mind. Well, she called at midnight. Almost felt like a booty call except I know better. She said she slept all though Saturday night. She asked if any movies started after 12. I was in bed already. So we are still kind of avoiding spending any time together. Still don't know if that is by design or not.

It's late and I've got work tomorrow.

Friday, October 7, 2005

My crazy screwed up life

I'm officially broke. It's October 7th and I have no money for the rest odf the month. My stupid planning got screwed up and I eneded up bouncing 6 checks and even though the bank paid them I was assessed $31 for each transaction which if you do the math amounts to almost $200. That's pretty much all the money I would have had for the month. I have no food at home. My car has about a quarter of a tank of gas. I haven't paid my LIRR ticket bill of my cell phone bill. What am I going to do?

Lisa called me last night and invited me over to share a glass of wine. My wine of course. I sat and sipped wine while she vaccuumed her apartment. Not very exciting but still I enjoyed getting out for a bit. I really miss seeing her. It was very platonic. I guess we've moved past the whole kissing episode. It's like it never happened. We talked about going to the movies Saturday although I can't figure out how I can do that with the dollar and forty-five cents I have in my pocket. I've got to sell something.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Tuesday musings

It's been very mellow day. No real exitement. Yet I can't seem to relax and sleep at night. Last night awake until 1:45. Could it be lonliness or just caffeine? Who knows. I decided to spice up my blog with a picture from years ago. The girl is Marcie. I used to see her on the train and invited her out for a sailone day. Before you get all excited I must tell you the picture was taken by Grant, her fiance.

So I've been contemplating on what next.... seems like I need to get off the Janet/Lisa thing and make something new happen somewhere. Neither one of them will ever be involved with me. All I really wanted was for one of them to see me as more than a friend. But it seems that once you lock into that dynamic you can never get out of it. Especially as long as a woman thinks they have the upper hand. Probably as soon as I get a girl I'll suddenly not be able to get either of them out of my life. That's, perhaps, a good thing.

Monday, October 3, 2005

Good weekend yet I feel so empty

Friday night went to see Sir Paul McCartney at Madison Square Garden. It was so good. My friend Joe got me a ticket at the last minute. He's not into music at all.... he showed up 3 songs into the show. I was there about 2 hours early. He opened with "Magical Mystery Tour" and played about 25 Beatles' songs among the 40 songs he did. That's right ... 40 songs. It was a long concert and he did all the favorites. Some of the surprises were "Flaming Pie", "Too Many People" and "I Will". I've decided I need top pick up my guitar again and learn "I Will". He closed with "Sgt. Pepper (reprise)/The End". That's the song that finishes with "And in the end the love you take is the love you make". I wish I wasn't so jaded so I could believe that. Maybe soon.

Spent Saturday out to dinner with Janet and her otherfriends Sue, Roberta, and Judy. They went to Block Island last weekend and were nice enough to get me a hat that I had asked them to get for me. I really wish I could have gone. Maybe next year I'll get my life together. So after dinner we went to the park to see a free rock concert and Judy and Roberta kind of ditched us from there. I opened a bottle of wine and we sat on a blanket ... Sue in the middle between Janet and I. Then Sue wanted to go home so I asked Janet to come to Buckrams for a drink... which she did. The first time I'd ever been alone with her ... but I bumped into Robby Posichek there so I ended up talking with him and his wife Carolyn (I think her name is Carolyn). He was pretty drunk and I guess maybe I was too, a little. Janet had enough after one drink. She was right to go home. But she kind of bolted out the back and I barely got a peck on the cheek goodbye. Yeah... like Joe said to me ... move it on down the road.

So I head for home and I had purposly left my cell phone in the car and when I checked it there was a message from Lisa.... First contact since Monday. There was a lengthy message about her getting lost driving home from New Jersey. She wanted to meet me for a drink ... I got the feeling the drink was more important than my being there so I declined. I went home and went to sleep.

Sunday was the Sea Cliff mini-mart. I had set up meeting Janet there. Janet called while I was on the boat and I headed up there around 2 in the afternoon. While there I saw practically every one I know. Then Lisa called around 3:30 just as Janet was leaving. She was right in the area and came to meet me. Mycell rang and while I answered it Janet disappeared. No goodbye.

So Lisa and I walked around another hour and a half and talked about our week since we had been apart all week. It seemed nice but I could see was really not that into the whole scene and I was getting really tired. So we called it a day and she dropped me off at my car around 6. Again not much of a goodbye. She had been running around alot and needed to go home and relax ... So I closed up and boat and headed home myself.

I guess I should feel good that I spent so much time with friends and enjoyed myself the whole weekend but truth be told I just feel like everything is not what I want. I'll always want more than I can get. I'll make my peace with it soon but I'll never get anywhere with poeple who obviously are only looking at me as good company. That's why a feel so empty.