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My Thanksgiving included spending time with everybody. Wednesday night I got out of work late so I didn't get home until past seven. I called Lisa and I went to her house and we shared a glass of wine. I was hoping she and I would see each other on Thanksgiving Day at her sister Ellen's. I suggested I could stop by but she said she wanted to leave there early and she was concerned that she had to have a clear head for work on Friday. So I didn't see her.

I got a call on my cell from Janet on the way home and we made plans for dinner on Friday. Her idea! She would cook lobster. A gift from her dad. Three live lobsters. So I got there and we had an evening that included all three of her kids coming and going at various times. It kept things casual and relaxed. Not a single romantic moment that I could see and she kicked me out at 11. Still, it was the first time I had spent alone with her. We talked about everything but when I got around to asking about her last boyfriend I could tell I'd stumbled onto a taboo subject. She did give me a little insight on how she feels it's very diffecult for her to trust anyone.

So the next day was Roberta's party. Lisa was invited but chose to stay home because she had work priorities. So I got more quality time with Janet. I had mentioned my dinner and there seemed to be a little gossip going on about it. Sue wants to know when I plan on moving to Glen Cove. I am always trying to hide just how much I like Janet so we don't have those uncomfortable moments but I do get a sense that everybody knows that I really do like her a lot. I've never been that good about hiding my feelings. So the fact that Janet has maintained her distance tells me she doesn't want to turn up the heat.

Janet lives pretty close to Roberta and she had walked there and I walked her home. Unfortunately it didn't lead to anything and I was on my way home as soon as she was inside her front door.

Struggling to stay positive

I had a fun time Friday and Saturday nights. I saw Janet both nights and while I still like her a great deal I've pretty much found that our relationship will never evolve past the friendship stage. As always I get to people only on that level. She really does like me, but only in a platonic way. I see her as beautiful, and fun but never with that look that I need to feel.

Friday night I went to the Italian Restaurant in Glen Cove and we had wine and enjoyed the other friends that we've made there. On Saturday we had dinner in a group of six. At the last minute Lisa called and said she wasn't working so I invited her to join us which she did. After we ate no one could come up with a good place to go so Lisa headed home. I walked her to her car and she pretty much just wanted to leave as quickly as she could. Just a quick goodbye ... no kiss or anything. So I went back and joined the group. We went to a dumpy little place that had no one there on a Saturday night. They had a pool table so I got to play and we also picked songs from the jukebox.

Since I'd pretty much figured out I wasn't ever going to get anywhere with Janet but still like the friendship we built I said to her that I felt that we would be around each other alot. I only hope that made her feel glad.

Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense

"Sometimes low self-esteem is just good sense"

Heard that in a movie last week. Actually the self-esteem thing isn't the big of a problem right now. Even though I haven't been close to getting a woman in what must be 100 years by now I can at least say I've made many friends. I know the only thing in my way has to be a little of my lack of assertiveness and good looks. It would help if I was wealthy. Right now I desperately need $2500.

Tired Wednesday

Lisa returned from her trip to Sedona in Arizona early this morning. Her flight landed on time at 5:20 a.m. and I was there to pick her up. I was exhausted from being out with Steve the night before. It was great to see her but I felt so strange. I wanted to talk but we were both so tired we could maintain a conversation. By the time I dropped her at home and got back to my house I needed to jump into the shower to get to work. Probably not a good idea to out the night before even though I didn't stay out late.

Steve's friend Ami (pronounced Ah-my) was there and I keep getting this feeling she likes me. I already put out the vibe that I like her and I'm sure Steve said something to her. Problem is, Steve loves to flirt with her and even though she is one of his wife's closest friends I think she likes it too. So I always feel like I am getting in his way... it's just an odd dynamic because I wanted to talk to her. So at a point in the evening I did get to have a nice conversation with her and I wanted to know about her boyfriend status.

She said she is single but I never moved in to seal the deal because Steve wanted to talk to her. So I let it go. I'm not sure how much she's my type but I really am attracted to her.  I really need some money to make anything happen. Why is it when there are oppertunities I am always broke.

Speaking of oppertunities, Janet want to have dinner again this Saturday. This is getting to be such a regular thing. Of course there will be the usual group there. Still having fun although I'm not sure how I can pay for dinner.

Just another day

I got an email from Janet yesterday. She is dealing with family issues plus she is down with a sore throat. She confided to me that her 14 year old son Spencer has been diagnosed with depression. She also let me know that her daughter Sam and ex-husband Mark all had similar bouts with depression. It's so sad that someone as upbeat and alive as Janet is surrounded by such sadness. Bring thoughts into my head of those moments of dispair that I've felt. I seem to get depressed and sometimes feel overwhelmed and I don't even know how avoid falling into the abyss that our minds can take us to. I remember my summer vacation where I didn't leave the house for 3 days and I was struggling to get out of bed. Somehow I forced myself to do something and finally had some great days.

What little I know is that depression can be chemically induced which means the sufferer can't always be responsible. There are activities that I'm sure can create the right balance of .... I'll say endorphins. Janet says that the likelihood is that Spencer will have to take some kind of medication. I can see how she really loves her kids but she struggles sometimes. I know the best I should do is just listen and try not to get too emotionally involved but my "co-dependent" part of me wants to try to "fix" things.

How come I can get close to someone like Janet but only as a friend? Do I only assert myself in gestures of friendship?

Delaney's was cool

Sometimes karma is just there for me. Janet asked last week if I knew of any place that was halfway between Lindenhurst and Glen Cove that we could meet her friend Dawn. I suggested a place in Bethpage called Delaney's that looked nice but I'd never been there. She called them up and made reservations and we were set for dinner there at 7. There was to be 5 of us including Janet, myself, Dawn, Roberta and Gary who was hanging out with us the weekend before. It seems that Gary had taken Janet out once but she said she would get serious with a smoker. So he is trying to quit but I think she just isn't that into him so he really isn't close to giving it.

So Friday night I went for drinks in Glen Cove and saw Janet there and we discussed a little about where we would meet on Saturday. She had switched cars with her daughter for the weekend and she wasn't comfortable driving a strange car. She had her other daughter to drive her to the restaurant. We agreed that if necessary she would take a cab home but secretly I knew I wanted to drive her.

Saturday night at 7 sharp I get to Delaney's parking lot. It was close to a Days Inn hotel and a little hard to find. I called to see if she needed directions but she was already there. I go inside to see an almost empty restaurant and a quiet bar. Everyone was there but Dawn, whom I'd never met. We all had a drink a we even discussed maybe finding another place as this seemed a little too sedate. But the waitress told us the band coming later was pretty good and it would get crowded. Dawn arrived. We sat down for dinner and the food was good, even if the service was a little slow. We drank 3 bottles of wine between us. Everything was mellow. Dawn and Gary both smoke so they would go outside for cigarette breaks and Roberta was asking Janet about Gary. Maybe she liked him. Janet said she can't see dating him. She said that on the one time they had dinner she had Suzie go as chapperone. She said she doesn't feel safe alone with someone new. I wanted to aske her about that. When I first met Janet 2 years ago I asked her to have dinner with me and she pretty much said she couldn't. I wanted to ask if that was why she said no a but Gary and Dawn came back so I let it go.

I keep hoping I could get romantic with Janet but I just don't feel that vibe at all. At this point I've pretty much made peace with the fact that what we have is a friendship and since I am having more fun on weekends in years I am just going with the flow.

The band set up and they were a group that played all Motown. They were real good and I knew I would be dancing. I had such a good time. Danced pretty much all night. We all had fun. I keep wondering if it's Janet or good karma but each time I go somewhere even at random I always have a night to remember.

At the end I insisted on driving Roberta and Janet home even though I lived close by and they were thirty minutes away. We had a nice ride home and I dropped Roberta off then Janet. There was no big kiss at the door or even in the car. She just said goodnight and out the door she went. Still had a great time and the last thing we said was we'd see each othe Friday night again and figure out what to do for Saturday.   

What's going on

I have plans with Lee tonight. I don't want to go. Don't get me wrong. I like Lee but it's such an effort to see her. She lives in the City which means I'll be taking a train home after 9 o'clock then go and take car of things at home. I'll be lucky if I get to bed before midnight. I need to go to the allergyst as I haven't gotten my shots in 3 weeks and I'm supposed to go every week. Now I'll need to go Monday. Joe keeps asking why I maintain a friendship with someone who can't (or won't) ever leave Manhattan. I have to admit I don't have an answer. I don't enjoy Lee's company that much and there has never been a hint of romance between us. But once I let go of all that stuff I do usually enjoy her company and she knows how I'm dealing with low budget and keeps me from overspending.

Janet sent me an email that Saturday she is meeting her friend Dawn Saturday night and I should be there too. She asked about a place in my area and I suggested Delaney's. She later sent back that that would be where they are going and I should meet them. I have this feeling she wants Dawn to meet me. It feels a little like a fix up. With how Janet doesn't think of me as any more than a friend I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'll be curious to see if that is the case.

Better days ahead.

My outlook seems to be on the upswing. I should make it through the year. Still have many things undone that money would help but I got some mail yesterday that may give me hope. I am going to apply for hardship withdrawal from my 401k. That may give me the ability to make it through to the point that I can begin to live again. It will hurt in 15 years when I will need to retire but I have to live in the now.

I was shocked to get a comment from Marissa. I'd been looking at her blog for a while and been getting some inspiration from her entries. Yesterday I decided I needed to comment on one and she found my blog. As far as I know she is the only reader as my count never really changes much.

This is to Marissa if she comes back; thanks for the advice to save money by serving dinner in my home. My apartment is in a bit of disarray and will take probably and entire weekend of cleaning to make it presentable. I am a single man so I tend to have too many things that never get put away. Cleaning never seems to happen as often as it should. I think that the 4 days off on Thanksgiving will be an entire house cleaning. I'll make that a goal.

Continuation

Trying to get myself out of the duldrums. Lisa is away for another week and a half and it already feels like she's been gone too long. I'm shocked at how much I miss her. I need to not be this way. I can't keep obsessing on someone who will never give herself to me. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day. While there yesterday I looked to see if she had any CD's I could borrow. I noticed she has some homemade CD's that someone must have burned for her. One of them had a note inside from someone she toured the Napa Valley with last year. His name was Tim... not a name I'd ever heard before. I wish I hadn't seen it. Now my imagination just assumes that she slept with him. He wanted to get together again.

I keep thinking about the Halloween party and how I just went home afterwards. Why didn't I try to seduce her? I look back and I think she was really my date that night. Not just a friend. I swore I wouldn't let an oppurtunity go by and then I did. I think she wants to go there as long as I initiate. Of course she was very sleepy. And she did back away from my kiss. But then she changed her mind and did kiss me. When we got to her house I went upstairs with her. Then I left. I'm not a coward. Did I not want to sleep there overnight? 

So now she is gone. I gave her a real tight hug at the airport. She didn't expect it. Then she read the note and called me from Arizona. I'm sure it meant a lot to her but not like I would hope. At least I told her how I feel not only as friends but as the person I truly love. She said some nice things to my voice mail but mostly about how she knows that I accept her even though I don't always understand her.

So I spent pretty much the entire weekend drinking. Friday and Saturday was spent with Janet and Sunday watching football. I think I could have had more time with Janet but I'm feeling like I wouldn't be myself. But also just wanting to be drunk. This is not good. I never should have given Lisa that note. I'm waiting for her to return instead of living my life.

Brenda the ex-wife wants me to come with her Wednesday night to see some music and I'm not really sure if I should go. But feel loved by her and I'm starting to feel like I need that. I know I can't ever love Brenda back like she loves me.

Thursday I can see Lee. She could be a distraction. I'll have money on Thursday too.

Sunday night blahs

I'm struggling with this journal. I had a really good weekend and yet I am very unhappy. Friday night I had a great dinner and wine tasting and after I joined Janet, Suzy and Roberta in a small bar but I ran out of steam. I feel so poor. I'm stymied by the fact that I can't go the distance. They  want to do things and I end up bailing so that I don't go over my limit. Then I go over it anyway.

So Saturday I talked them into coming onto the boat and go sailing. It was a rare 70 degree day in November. They all came and had a wonderful time. I could have very easily gotten a dinner date but my wallet was empty and that is only going to get worse.

I need money! 

Weekend stuff

I took Lisa to the airport this morning. She will be in Sedona for 2 weeks for training for her Yoga center. For her it is a culmination of more than 3 years of work. She was looking forward to it but she was also afraid. She would be given tests that she would need to endure. I truly believe she will come through it without any big problems.

I put a letter into her suitcase without her knowledge. The letter kind of rambled a little bit. In it I told her how I've loved being her friend. I wanted to help her to be confident by telling her I would send her all the mental energy I have and she should look at Venus and Mars at night so that she can remind herself that she's not alone. I wanted her to read it after she arrives and unpacks. I'm missing her already.

I'm having a dinner tonight with Janet and all the other people that I met at the beach last summer, including Roberta and Suzy. I doubt I'll get quality time with Janet and I'm struggling this weekend with my money so I may make an early night of it. I wish I could meet somebody.

My brain drain

Still riding the buzz from the party. I really wish I wasn't so broke or I would be trying to make soemthing happen. My self esteem feels real good now and I should use this as motivation to take a positive step. Only thing is I look at my finances and I feel like a cripple. So I sit and daydream about the possibilities as time slips away. I don't have nearly enough money to take care of things that need to get done. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I can just get to July somehow I can make a recovery.  

I'm going to try something. My retirement plan offers a hardship withdrawal option and I want to see if I can recieve a $10,000 disbursment. That may solve my problems and maybe I can resume a somewhat normal life again.