Continuation

Trying to get myself out of the duldrums. Lisa is away for another week and a half and it already feels like she's been gone too long. I'm shocked at how much I miss her. I need to not be this way. I can't keep obsessing on someone who will never give herself to me. I am going to her house to feed her cats twice a day. While there yesterday I looked to see if she had any CD's I could borrow. I noticed she has some homemade CD's that someone must have burned for her. One of them had a note inside from someone she toured the Napa Valley with last year. His name was Tim... not a name I'd ever heard before. I wish I hadn't seen it. Now my imagination just assumes that she slept with him. He wanted to get together again.

I keep thinking about the Halloween party and how I just went home afterwards. Why didn't I try to seduce her? I look back and I think she was really my date that night. Not just a friend. I swore I wouldn't let an oppurtunity go by and then I did. I think she wants to go there as long as I initiate. Of course she was very sleepy. And she did back away from my kiss. But then she changed her mind and did kiss me. When we got to her house I went upstairs with her. Then I left. I'm not a coward. Did I not want to sleep there overnight? 

So now she is gone. I gave her a real tight hug at the airport. She didn't expect it. Then she read the note and called me from Arizona. I'm sure it meant a lot to her but not like I would hope. At least I told her how I feel not only as friends but as the person I truly love. She said some nice things to my voice mail but mostly about how she knows that I accept her even though I don't always understand her.

So I spent pretty much the entire weekend drinking. Friday and Saturday was spent with Janet and Sunday watching football. I think I could have had more time with Janet but I'm feeling like I wouldn't be myself. But also just wanting to be drunk. This is not good. I never should have given Lisa that note. I'm waiting for her to return instead of living my life.

Brenda the ex-wife wants me to come with her Wednesday night to see some music and I'm not really sure if I should go. But feel loved by her and I'm starting to feel like I need that. I know I can't ever love Brenda back like she loves me.

Thursday I can see Lee. She could be a distraction. I'll have money on Thursday too.