Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I got the Monday blahs clear through to Tuesday

I'm still dealing with a dry cough. It's better now than it's been and I think I got a good night's sleep for the first time in a week. It's the end of September ... last day of the month and also Rosh Hashanah. It was an easy commute into the city today as maybe half the people are off today.

Reminds me that I still haven't tried to call my ex-wife since her last "accidental" overdose. She is Jewish and while we were married tried to keep her holidays... funny thing is when we divorced she didn't do them anymore. Now i don't know what she is doing since I can't really get involved with her anymore. She needs to make her own way now and anything I do will only make her lose focus on what she needs to do.

Last night as I was about to eat dinner I got a cell phone call from Coleen. She was at the bar and wanted to talk to Janet. I was in the midst of a coughing fit and couldn't talk very long. She never called back and I was thankful for that since I've been struggling with just breathing lately.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday night stuff

Last night there was some live music at my favorite bar I was there until past midnight even though I am still feeling the effects of some kind of cough that is more annoying than debilitating.

Coleen was there and she was having fun. These are the moments that make me want to be more than her friend. I felt very close to her.  

This is a picture of Coleen and Tony. Probably the only photo I've been able to get where you can see the real Coleen smile.

It's hard to get in a picture with Coleen when it's my camera and I'm taking most of the pictures. But I did manage to hand off the camera once and get myself into a picture. The older man is Donald who works as an auxiliary police and knows Coleen since she was little. He is in his seventies and seemed to think he could get Coleen to go home with him. I spent about an hour trying to act as a buffer between Colleen and his pawing hands. What's odd is Coleen never really shut him down. Jami asked if it made me jealous, which of course it did, but I couldn't admit that.

Coleen left way before me which isn't that unusual. I always have this hope that she will stay until I go but she never does. I always have this urge to make plans with her but she is always leaving it open on the chance she can spend time with Mark. Last thing we said was that she would call me today (Sunday) which at this point she hasn't. I wish she would give up on the Mark thing but it's obvious by now that's not in the cards. Still I enjoy her company when I can.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Short note before the weekend

It's Friday at last. Not sure what I'm doing this weekend since most have my friends are away to Montauk. The weather isn't helping much either as we seem to be having the biginnings of a 3 day nor'easter. Torrents of rain this morning.

There is a good chance I'll just stay in to get rid of this cold or cough or whatever it is. Of course if Coleen calls I'll probably go out. We have developed a pattern of seeing each other on Saturday's. I'm sure I'll have more to say on Monday but for now that's it.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I'm sick but still doing stuff

I've been sick since Saturday night. Can't figure out what it is. I felt like I had a fever and the cold sweats on Saturday at bed time. So Sunday I stayed in despite the beautiful day. Worked from home Monday and Tuesday even though I was dog tired. I was starting to think I had some kind of bladder or kidney infection because I was peeing so much I felt very dehydrated.

Then yesterday I felt better but when I went to the city for work I started a get this dry cough in the afternoon. Today I'm congested and still have this nagging cough. It's all in my chest. I can't tell if I'm really sick or it's just allergies. Hopefully I'll be better by the weekend.

Last night included dinner with Coleen. Even though I felt tired and just wanted to lie down I sucked it up and went because it's Coleen and I still can't manage to say no to her. It actually was a nice dinner even though I was having trouble finishing a sentence without needing to stop and cough.  

I wish I had better experience at seduction. It really feels good know that she likes me but only on a platonic way it seems. I can't seem to shake this aura of non-sexuality with girls that I like. I know I should be more up front about my feelings but whenever I attempt to bring about a discussion of that she steers the conversation to her relationship with Mark. I create this agenda topics I wish I could get to but I never seem to get to it either because the time we spend is so short or I just see her not wanting to talk.

In fact last night's dinner was exactly that ... just dinner... we were together for just a little over an hour. A big reason for that was how under the weather I was. She did say she wanted to call me today. She has me where she wants me and not much I can do about it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Half a weekend before being sick

I spent yesterday down with some kind of intestinal sickness. It started on Saturday and just got worse and worse. Sunday was a gorgeous day too. Would have been a spectacular day to be out on the boat or just out at the many street fairs to go too.

I woke up Saturday feeling just a little off... can't really explain except I was peeing a lot. By the time I went to bed Saturday night I had a fever and cold sweats. I slept for almost 12 hours but didn't sleep well at all. I'm better now although I am still very dehydrated.

I spent Friday night home ... didn't even go out. Tried to go out on Saturday but could last past 7:30. I did see Coleen during the day and enjoyed her company for lunch. She was planning a dinner with Mark and she really wanted me to come too but I begged off. If I had been able to hang out later she would have caught up to me but as it was she just missed me.

So there was my weekend ... a total bust. I even had a tentative plan to see Lisa on Sunday that I wasn't able to do. She seems to have gotten past her crisis with Carmine if only for the moment. She was doing the couples thing with her sister and brother-in-law.

So that's that. The next few weeks will be more of the same I'll bet. Sorry there isn't more excitement but that's my life.  

Friday, September 19, 2008

It is Friday

I reached out to Coleen after work yesterday just to see what she was up to. So we met at the bar. We only had a couple of drinks but then we decided to go have something to eat at her favorite Italian place. It was fun but a little more expensive than I wanted. I'm a little low on cash this month so I may need to stay in this weekend.

I am thinking a lot about Lisa, but I knew her plans last night was to have Carmine over so I figured I could distract myself by Coleen. That worked a little bit.

I have no plans tonight and it seems like everyone else has some kind of date. That works out for me since I think I'm down to just my last few dollars. I am hopeful that Saturday will be a good day.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Lisa's problems

I went and saw Lisa on Monday night. Nothing happened. We just talked. I'm not sure if she and Carmine will stay together. Seems like the only thing keeping them together is money. Unfortunately I won't be the solution to that problem.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Extra Extra

Interesting development... Lisa and I exchanged the following emails;

Lisa: any suggestions for a 2nd job?

Lisa: i think i'm going to need one

Mike:Oh no. Why? I had the boat out yesterday with Chris. Such a nice day. I was thinking about how much you would have enjoyed it.

Mike:A second job.... or just getting a new job. The only real opportunities are in retail. Or working in a bar.

Lisa: truithfully b/c i don't know if i can deal w/carmine and i can't pay my rent/bills without him

Lisa: how's that for sad?

Mike: Yes. That's a little unsettling. Considering how much skill and ability you have it shouldn't be this way. We haven't really talked about it other than that day you were at my house for dinner. I wish I had answers but I'm not sure how I make it through each month.

I have been getting hints from her that there was trouble in paradise. I don't really know what to make of this but I will see her later so she can vent. Stay tuned.

Sunny Sunday

Every time I start to think I need to get rid of my boat because I just don't use it enough to justify the expense I have a day like yesterday. What a great day I had. No pictures so I will have to do my best description. I had asked my friend Chris to join me. He had gotten a broken foot way back in May so he hadn't been able to sail all summer. Chris is probably my only friend who has any sailing experience so it's always good to have someone else who knows what to do without detailed instructions.

So i woke up on Sunday with a tentative plan to get to the boat early. That didn't work out as I could only get to the boat a little after 12. Too many things to get done first, including laundry. It worked out well, since Chris could only get to the boat at 1 PM. But off we went as soon as he arrived. We motored out of the slip with a steady wind blowing from the south at about 10 to 12 knots. As we were leaving the marina I noticed we were barely making any speed since I had the engine full throttle and we had wind and current behind us. So I anchored and over the side I went to check the prop and sure enough it was crusted with barnacles. So we spent an hour scraping the prop and shaft and brushing the waterline as best we could. The effect of not getting the boat moved out of the slip enough. With that we pulled up the anchor and made a nice 4 hour sail. All was good. Sunny and 85 degrees.   

I've always had my best sailing moments it seems in September and October. I'm going to make an effort to get out every weekend for the rest of the year.

The rest of the weekend was more of the usual. I never seem to hear from Lisa on weekends anymore. I really miss her. Lately all our communication comes vie Instant messaging and we don't really have any indpth conversations that way. I'm still talking to Coleen almost everyday and usually multiple times a day. I hadn't seen her for over 2 weeks until last Friday. I walked into Gates and saw her talking to Tony and I had to fight the urge to give her a big hug. She looked so good. I tryed to play the game and just waved hello and joined the other friends I had there. Eventually she came over to me and we agreed to meet for lunch on Saturday. I finally gave her the sweatshirt I bought for her from my trip. I got all kinds of shit about that from Roberta. "Where's my shirt?", she said.  So I guess I fell down in her eyes. I guess I shouldn't have promised to get Coleen something when I'm still just another one of her guy friends. But then she calls me I forget all that stuff and I'm just glad it's her. She even rang me up this morning at work.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Maybe once a week is better

I haven't been able to put a new entry in since last week. My one attempt got deleted before I could do a save. Maybe that's telling me not to write until I have something worthwhile to say.

It's September 11th. I am sitting precisely where I was 7 years ago and I can turn and look out the window at the empty spot in the skyline where the WTC used to be. The surreal-ness of it is gone. It's pretty much the same now as it was then. No longer do we see armed guards and checkpoints. We are again at the complacency that we had back then. I feel safe this way. But I wonder how safe it really is.

Coleen returned from her trip upstate on Tuesday night. I got a text message from her at about 9 o'clock but we didn't spreak until Wednesday morning when she gave me a call. She said her trip was great and she wants to plan to have another one. I was kind of hoping to hear that she was bored the whole time and couldn't wait to get home. Does this make me bad?

I'm trying to distance myself emotionally. Last night I got home and put my cell phone on charge in the bedroom and left it alone. Before I went to sleep I saw that a text from Coleen had come in at around 9 o'clock. It said she was at the bar alone. It was way past the point where I could return her message so as I went to sleep I told myself that it was a good thing to not have sent a message back. It would be nice if it was an opportunity that could lead to something but the reality is that it's not. I have to stop reacting to her because she is lonely and insecure.

So now it's the next day and I am still scheming on how to be with her. I wish I could make it stop. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't want to hear it anymore.

It's Thursday which has been boat night but I'm pretty sure last week was the last one. Maybe I'll go down there tonight and just relax. There is this little voice in my head that wants Coleen to met me down there. Need to let it go.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Transition to fall

Another summer has come and gone. While I can say I had a very enjoyable time this summer I'm still a little sad since I am still struggling with my singleness. I had hopes that Coleen would become available but as things evolved it is apparent to me now that she is never going to see me in that light. It's odd that we have come close but only in a platonic way. Why do I always seem to be able to only get that result from anyone I'm attracted to. I must look at this and see what in my behavior is causing this.

Coleen is going away on Friday with Mark to Lake Placid. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days and while I am not avoiding talking to her I feel I can't call or text her. She will only tell me how all excited she is about her trip and I'm just not wanting that conversation.

Lisa is also going away with her boyfriend. She left this morning. She will be in Pennsylvania. Lots of vacations lately, but they go will boyfriends and I go solo. I will say that I think I had the better vacation. But I wish I could be planning a vacation with someone special. I still have a sense of optimism that way.

But summer is over and now I start looking toward fall. I want to scale back my social outings. I spent way too much money this summer so I have to look at a budget and try to stay with in it. More time at home and less going to bars.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Back to work after 2 weeks

The last 2 weeks went by in a blur. Spent a lot of time on the water. I really enjoyed being on my brother's boat but I'm a little sad that my boat has spent so much time at the dock. There is still about 6 weeks before I have to get it out of the water.

I got home late Saturday and by the time I got to bed it was past 1 a.m. So Sunday was a family day as I saw my parents at my sister's house along with the the rest of my extended family. I felt totally drained and wasn't able to enjoy it much. I think I had boat-lag... something like jet-lag. I guess it takes some time to get used to being back on land.


The last day of the trip was stormy in the early part of the day. It was also my birthday. I didn't really celebrate as we were on the move the entire day.

The bad weather ended and we made our way in calm seas. There was a 3 hour delay when we ran into a sand bar and needed high tide to get through.

Monday was Labor Day and I spent the entire day at home trying to regain my strength. In addition to being worn out I had also had an incident where I fell getting from the dock to the boat on Saturday. I ended up grabbing the rail but banged my thigh and upper arm pretty hard. So I've been taking aspirin for the last 2 days.

On Monday night I went to dinner with Janet Roberta, Judy and Jami.

I did hear from Coleen but I didn't see her. We spoke on the phone while she was on her way with Mark to her brother's house. She and Mark are going away this Friday on a trip together upstate. So I guess I won't see her for a while and I think that it will be good to have some distance from her. I need to find something new.