Thursday, September 11, 2008

Maybe once a week is better

I haven't been able to put a new entry in since last week. My one attempt got deleted before I could do a save. Maybe that's telling me not to write until I have something worthwhile to say.

It's September 11th. I am sitting precisely where I was 7 years ago and I can turn and look out the window at the empty spot in the skyline where the WTC used to be. The surreal-ness of it is gone. It's pretty much the same now as it was then. No longer do we see armed guards and checkpoints. We are again at the complacency that we had back then. I feel safe this way. But I wonder how safe it really is.

Coleen returned from her trip upstate on Tuesday night. I got a text message from her at about 9 o'clock but we didn't spreak until Wednesday morning when she gave me a call. She said her trip was great and she wants to plan to have another one. I was kind of hoping to hear that she was bored the whole time and couldn't wait to get home. Does this make me bad?

I'm trying to distance myself emotionally. Last night I got home and put my cell phone on charge in the bedroom and left it alone. Before I went to sleep I saw that a text from Coleen had come in at around 9 o'clock. It said she was at the bar alone. It was way past the point where I could return her message so as I went to sleep I told myself that it was a good thing to not have sent a message back. It would be nice if it was an opportunity that could lead to something but the reality is that it's not. I have to stop reacting to her because she is lonely and insecure.

So now it's the next day and I am still scheming on how to be with her. I wish I could make it stop. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't want to hear it anymore.

It's Thursday which has been boat night but I'm pretty sure last week was the last one. Maybe I'll go down there tonight and just relax. There is this little voice in my head that wants Coleen to met me down there. Need to let it go.

No comments: