Sunday, December 28, 2008
I continue to try and make plans with Coleen but it just becomes more and more frustrating. Christmas became very difficult as I was caught between spending time with the friends I care about and also wanting to see Coleen since I knew she wanted me to be there with her and her family. I asked her about New Year's eve and when she said no plans were made and she said she thinks she will stay home I asked if we could share a dinner with Carmine and Lisa. Of course she said depends.... so I'm thinking I want to take it back now. Probably that's what I'll do.
So things as always are a little up in the air.
Friday, December 19, 2008
So I have a hurt that won't go away. As if I have a disfiguring scar. How can I ever expect to be loved when I couldn't love the one person who really loved me. I am still hopeful but much less so.
I had dinner with Coleen last night. I still have these warm feelings for her even though I don't think she will ever return them. But I still think she loves me. I just don't know in what way. I've become so focused on her I'm struggling to find other things to do. Trying not to have so much whoa as me feelings.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
At Brenda funeral I felt grief but my heart doesn't ache as much as I thought it should. I'd lost Brenda long ago. After our divorce was final as time went on I found myself not wanting to see her and hoping we both could find something new. I never wanted to be any part of her social circle. I was even prepared for the day she got remarried, I think. I expected that to occur but it never happened. Since I was only talking to her on occasion I always thought she was doing okay. I didn't sense her isolation until it was too late. It's strange right now that I am sad but I don't miss her. It's just that the world is a strange place that she isn't here anymore.
I called Coleen afterwards and she was having her own little meltdown with Mark. I made the mistake of seeing her while I was in an emotional state. I wanted to feel close to her but all she wanted was to get back at Mark. She found him at dinner with his friends and we were asked to join them. It ended up being an expensive restaurant and I paid money I didn't even have. To top it off Coleen was getting upset when Mark was paying little or no attention to her. We left before the check even came.
After dinner she was on the verge of tears the entire way home and she was driving. It was a very scary trip home. Before going back to where my car was parked she decided to stop off at his house. We get there and apparently she has no key and no one was home. She said she would be right back so I'm waiting in the car 5 minutes before I realized she had gone around to the back. I go around the house and I see her trying to jimmy the sliding glass door open. I told her she had to stop and to my surprise she actually listened. With that we drove to my car and I said goodnight.
This was last night and since then I spoke to her a little while ago on the phone. I said "let's never do that again".
So I'm in a very strange place. I cannot picture myself ever not being alone anymore. I feel as if I've had some kind of disfiguring accident. This must be rock bottom.
Friday, December 12, 2008
last Tuesday I was on the train heading home and enjoying some wine with my friend Mariana when I got a call from Rich... a friend of my ex-wife Brenda. His words were a little more correct than they needed to be. "Brenda past away". Yes, my ex-wife dies on December 9th. She didn't pass away... she fucking overdosed on some medication she got a hold of. She'd been trying to end her life since may and she finally succeeded. So how do I deal with this. We buried her today. I was very emotional and I still am.
How do you bury someone who you've kissed hundreds of times and used to sleep next to and been a lover for longer than anyone else. My love for her was all past tense but I loved her just the same. And I watched her go into a box and get put into a hole and buried under the ground. Did I love her? not like I knew I really wanted to. Did she love me? Well, she left me nothing in the will so she didn't feel she could trust me so maybe not. And yet I in my heart I felt she loved me always. I was just never able to sincerely return that love so even in my grief I couldn't say "I love you".
So as an ex I was trying to maintain my sincerity. Because I do love her... just not not like a lifetime commitment should. But I'm dealing with a sudden loss that was self inflicted. There is so much guilt that comes with that. Thank God my friends are there to reassure me that her pain was self-inflicted and not from me. I know I'll get pat this but right now I feel a little as if my fate is sealed. Who would hear this story and not stay? I feel so doomed.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
It seems some of my friends don't like how I spend a lot of time with Coleen. And they want to get in my face about it. They say they miss me being around. I kind of ticks me off. Everyone else gets to do what ever they want and no one ever takes it personally, but because I like Coleen and she likes me it's a problem. It's to a point that Roberta is asking me to choose and while I won't like being put in that position I'll take Coleen over my friends and if my friends don't like it then maybe I need to rethink who my friends are.
Now this brings me to last weekend. I absolutely needed to get some work done on my boat before the real cold weather set in. This is a job I've always had to do alone as no one has ever been that interested in what the boat maintenance is. But Coleen was there helping me anyway. We spent most of the afternoon taking care of things together. I knew I had to go to Janet's for dinner and Coleen wasn't invited. Since I always figure Coleen will have dinner with Mark I thought I had made a good choice in accepting the invite. Well, Coleen got a call from Mark about dinner and she told him she wasn't interested in dinner that night. Then I had to tell her I was going to Janet's. I could see how disappointed she was. I considered blowing off Janet but I'd done that once before and couldn't really do it again. So I left Coleen behind and went for dinner.
While I did enjoy dinner my mind was really on how I didn't want to even be there. So when Roberta started in about how they all saw my car at Coleen's during the day and I'd been found out. She probably expected me to get defensive but instead I just said whose business is it where I am during the day. Well, things evolved into a very heated conversation so I just got mad and left in a huff. Never said goodbye to Janet who didn't want me driving since I'd probably had too much wine. But I needed to go home. It was pretty late.
On Saturday there was a party for Roberta's daughter and I decided I wasn't going to that. When I could send my evening with Coleen that was the clincher. We had dinner and even though it ended early I didn't need any more crap. I was still very emotional.
So there it is. I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about it. I'm also rethinking my position with Coleen too. It's the holidays and I need to figure out how to go about planning how I want to be. Should I come right out and make a stand with Coleen and tell my friends to fuck off? And if Coleen says she isn't in to me that way I should then go make nice with my friends?
I've wanted to have some real conversations with Coleen all week but it just hasn't happened. When I left a message for her on Thursday and she didn't call me back I decided I was staying in on Friday. I had asked her to have dinner with me during the week and she didn't want to do that either. She just said maybe. I suspected she was planning something with Mark so I didn't really want to go into the bar and find her leaving to have dinner with him and then I'd get the third degree from my friends again. I wasn't feeling very loved. So I was making a really nice dinner when I got a call from Coleen. She was at the bar and wondering when I was getting there. I told her since I didn't hear from her I wasn't sure she would be there and I really didn't need to see anyone else. She said she had been asked to dinner by Mark but she told him no. It sounded to me like she was looking forward to seeing me more than Mark. So now I feel like I need to talk to her even more. She said she would go home early and give me a call. So I sat by the phone and it never rang.
I'm sure she got home and was tired and probably more than a little drunk. Better she doesn't call me like that as she tends to babble. I will no doubt hear from her later today. My plan for the day is to go see Lisa at new new apartment. But first I'm getting a haircut. Which I need to get to now.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Okay I'm rambling a little. I can't really wrap my brain around things at the moment. I would like things to just be simple. That never happens. I need to start from Friday night.
I spoke to Coleen at work but it was such a short conversation I never got the chance to ask her what her plans were. I just figured I would see her but I had this feeling she was booking her weekend for Mark. So when I got off the train rather than going home I went straight to the bar for happy hour. And my suspicions proved correct as Coleen was there but was leaving to meet Mark for dinner so I was only able to talk to her for 20 minutes. As she was getting her coat on she wanted me to tell her what my plans for Thanksgiving were. I just said we will talk later. I also told her my Saturday was a party all day. With that she was gone for the evening.
Saturday was spent with my sister, and 2 brothers and also many cousins. It was fun and was an all day event. By the time I got home even though it was still fairly early I decided to stay in. I still wasn't sure about how to spend Sunday but I knew I would be watching some football and I could watch it at home or I could go up to the bar and see it there. It was a difficult decision because I knew I could likely see Coleen there but I decided to stay home and enjoy the game there. I knew I was going to have dinner with Janet and I was afraid if I saw Coleen I'd end up going to Janet's late and probably a little more drunk than I need to be.
I did drive by on the way and sure enough I saw Coleen's car there. So I am regretting not going in. But for all I know she was there with Mark so I'm better off. She could have called me too and didn't. In fact, she has been calling me less and less. So I have this feeling there will be some tension between us. Or maybe she is just getting along with Mark and not even thinking about me.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Anyone who expects something to happen must be disappointed. It's still very much the status quo. And it's almost a year now.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tonight the plan is to attend a wine tasting event with Janet and Roberta. We will have dinner at a with the wine at a good restaurant in Bayville. I'm bringing my camera so be prepared for some new pictures tomorrow.
Probably the hardest part of this week was passing up the opportunity to see Coleen all week. We have been keeping in touch though and it's still not clear to me if there are any long term potential there. This hot and cold stuff is really getting old. When we spoke Wednesday Coleen told me she though she had been dumped by Mark. She said they hadn't spoken all week and she had not been able to get through to even leave a message. Then I speak to her Thursday and she says she was seeing him for dinner. Turns out he'd lost his cell phone and took a few days before giving up looking and got a new one. So they are seemingly back to being a couple, which I always thought anyway. Until they actually say they can't see each other anymore I will always be convinced that I need to maintain my distance. Talk of taking a trip together will stay just talk. She did call me last night at around 9 saying they just did dinner and then she was home. I feels better than imagine them together for the night. From what Coleen tells me they slept together in more than 2 months. She is probably leading me on.
I don't know how much I'll see her this weekend. I'm trying not to think about it since I have a feeling she has plans with Mark. I'll just keep busy doing things I know I need to do. Maybe I'll help Lisa move to her new place. Or just get my house back in order.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I made it through the weekend. Things are all the same. Friday night I went to the bar. Before I got there I called Coleen and she was having dinner at Mark's. I was a little surprised since all I ever hear about anymore is how she doesn't want to see him anymore. So in my mind I'm thinking "thank God I haven't allowed myself to get too close." I can lie even to me. So I put my cell in my jacket and hung out at the bar with my friends. Janet and Jami were there and they hadn't seen the Halloween pictures. It was nice but nothing special. Then Coleen came in. No Mark. She said she had been trying to call me but since I had put my phone in my jacket I missed it. She said she has gone to see her Aunt from Connecticut who was on LI visiting cousins. She wants go go for a weekend there to visit and she looked at me and said, "why done we both go this weekend?" I told her I have Friday plans and I was shocked to see she was very disappointed. She said she really needs to get away because everything from home, to work, to her failing relationship are making her feel like she is suffocating. I just said, "sorry."
She pretty much didn't want to talk to me after that. Especially when I told her the plans were to go out to an event that was with Roberta and Janet. I also got pulled aside by Roberta who had just arrived. Roberta and Coleen are now not even saying hello to each other. I'm trying to stay clear of this but that means when I am talking to one I can't talk to the other. In fact, it seems like whoever I talk to the other gets mad. Yes, it's like that. Coleen didn't stay very long and since I was talking to Roberta she left without saying goodbye to me.
I was going to call Coleen as she left but I figured I should just let her be. I waited until Saturday morning then called her. I told her I felt very bad about the night before and much it meant to me that we could make plans and I'd like to try to find a way to plan more. I don't know if I expressed myself right but she was okay after that. I also found out her dinner the night before with Mark wasn't so great. I never found out what the details were but he didn't call her for the rest of the weekend. We got together later in the day and had dinner together. I was surprised to find out there was a wake on Sunday that we were both going to. After dinner we ended our time together. I was home fairly early.
On Sunday Coleen called me about coming over early and hanging out before changing for the wake. My plan was to go straight to the wake from home but she wanted my to come by so we could go together. So I went there early and enjoyed her company for a while before we headed there. It suddenly occurred to me that we had spent almost the entire weekend together. Before you too excited about the possibilities, she had tried to call Mark just after the wake and she couldn't get through to even leave a voice-mail message. It was as if her phone had been blocked.
As we left the wake from the car I saw Janet and Roberta drive in. I called and told them we were stopping off at the bar and some 30 minutes later they came in too. Roberta was, as always, right there with the comments.... "so you and Coleen are dating now?" I don't handle these things well but I just said no but she is my ride. And Coleen had invited me along.
Coleen offered to make dinner and as always I can't refuse. She cooked some really delicious salmon. It felt strangely relationship-ish. Her mom and dad were home - yes she lives with them. I ended the night with just a feeling of closeness. I said I would call her at work, which I did. She said she was taking 2 days off next week. I immediately put in for those days although I haven't told her yet. I'll wait and see if we can make plans but I have this feeling it all has to do with what Mark decides.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's so strange how I can like someone and I somehow become very close but not the way I'd like. So I'm sitting here chewing on how I make this work. I feel history repeating itself.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Coleen and I spent most of Saturday together. I don't know what else I can do because she is still waiting for something to happen with her boyfriend. But she is reaching out to me more and more. I am trying to make plans with her so that she breaks out of her pattern of going to him when she has no one else to talk to. It's probably not going to work but I think it's worth a try.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The past week or so I've spent the usual amount of time see Coleen and, no I didn't try to kiss her. Starting with last Wednesday I ended up going to dinner with her after Lisa cancelled coming to my house for dinner. I was going to cook a steak but she said she didn't feel well. I think she is just becoming less open to going anywhere that is more than 10 minutes away. So instead I took Coleen out for some Indian food. During dinner she got very emotional about things with her mom. It was a little scary but I guess she just needed to let it out. Her mom has been suffering with severe depression for more than 3 years and has pretty much stopped communicating. So it was a more diffecult dinner than usual.
I saw her again everyday after that through Sunday. We seem to spend more and more time together. I still wish it was leading to something. She still complains about Mark constantly but seems to not want to break the connection.
I was at the Bar on Saturday night having drinks and after Coleen left Roberta and Janet decided I needed a good talking to. It is their opinion that Coleen friendship is interfearing with my other relationships. They said they miss me and I am spending too much time with someone who at the end of the day doesn't have my interests at heart. I wasn't going to argue but I'm not going to suddenly stop seeing Coleen.
At some point on later I spoke to Coleen again and she mentioned about how she is getting a lot of flack about her and I and I told her about how I had a descussion about her with Roberta. Ever since every time I mention Roberta to Coleen I get a very negative reaction. I don't want to compartmentize my friends but I guess I'll need to try to keep them apart.
With that, my plans for Friday night is to go to a Halloween party without Coleen. Mostly because she wasn't interested in going and I don't press it so that I don't have to deal with the confrontaion. I will miss her Friday but Lisa is supposed to go so I'll be glad to talk to her.
Spoeaking of Lisa, she and Carmine found an apartment and are moving in together offically on Dec 1. I'm a little sad about that because it probably means the little we see each other now is reduced even more. Everybody moves on so it's not too devestating. I told her I'm happy for her, which for the most part I am. Problem is she continues to tell me how unsatisfied she is. But it's her life and I was never on her list of options.
Well, that's enough for now. I'll be taking pictures on Halloween so look forward to that. I will surprose you with my costume. We've been planning it for weeks.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
That's it for now. I'll get more into this when I can put some real time into writing.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I'm feeling very odd about my feelings for Coleen since Sunday. I really want her to like me and she does make me feel special when around her. But it seemed so easy for her to turn to mush when Mark walks into her life. I know exactly how that feels. I've done that myself countless times. I want to put some distance between me and her so that I can gain some perspective. Every time I try that I get sucked in more and more.
In my head I see myself making a pass at her. Just reach for her and plant a kiss on her. I feel like if I talk about it she will just run away. The thing is I'm just not sure enough of myself. I mostly expect her to resist. But even if she doesn't I can't really count on my own ability. I've shut down my libido so long I don't even know if my body will react like I want it to. I am over 50. It may take me a long time to wake things up again. There... I've said it. Maybe too much honesty.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Even though Coleen isn't in the picture I did spend most of my Friday night talking with her. Once again she was telling me about how she is at the end of her relationship which I glad to hear. But when I tried to make her talk about how much I want to plan things to do with her she would change the subject or even find an excuse to simply end the conversation. She did seem genuinely disappointed that I wasn't going to be around at all on Saturday, but we promised to talk on the phone.
Mark was going to a wedding and she had been asked to go but she had said she wouldn't go. I was thinking my being around would make it easier for her not to go. But since I could really get her closer to me I figured that I'd need to do what I'd planned and that was that.
Saturday started out simply enough. I made it to the south shore before noon and things started out fairly quiet and laid back. It was pretty cold so I laid off the beer for as long as I could. I got into playing poker and I must say I had the best run of luck playing cards as I ever have had. By the end of the night I had put an extra $75 in my pocket. I had no idea what was different but traditionally I never win at cards. It seemed as if I was winning ever other had. You would think I would have enjoyed that and it was exciting, but I was really looking forward to the end. At about 4 o'clock I got a call from Coleen. She was definitely not going to the wedding with Mark. I was glad to hear that but still wished I could see her without having his name mentioned. It was a short conversation. She was heading to the bar. After sunset it got chilly. Pictured is the tent we all hung out in to protect us from the wind. There were 50 of us so it was a good turnout. I didn't really get any good pictures though.
I spent the night on Barry's boat. We got up early and since Barry wasn't feeling well we left. By the time I'd dropped him off and went home it was still only 10 o'clock. I needed to shower and change and as I was getting dressed I got a call from Coleen. You might think she calls me so much because maybe I'm getting to her. At least I was thinking that.
So we agreed to meet for lunch. Where else but at the bar to watch football. At some point she broke down and called Mark or Mark called her and she answered. All i know for sure was he came strolling into the bar and grabbed the seat next to her. Whatever I thought might be happening with us was clearly not. She and him got pretty close and I just watched the game.
So here is where it gets odd. He kind of pushed her away and left. Not in a mad way, just in a "I've got to get out of here" way. So he left and she wanted to know what I was doing.... hey I'd been drinking beer all weekend.... I really needed to go home. So I said I had no plans. She said she wanted to see Mark's dog before she goes home. I think she had an idea of going there and getting cozy with Mark. So I said goodnight and watched her head out the door with very different feeling than I'd had in the morning when she called me.
Well... I finished my drink and then left within maybe 10 minutes. So what a shock to see her driving the opposite way towards her house and away from Mark's. I don't know what happened but I know what didn't. At least I could get to sleep not thinking about that. Right now I'd prefer not to hear any details.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
But then I'm not hearing from her the last 2 days. Whatever confidence I had is gone. I wonder if she is waiting for me to call. Today is her short day and she has an appointment to get her eyes examined. Then I can give her a call I think. Last weekend it felt like we were about to start something but now that seems miles away. She must be talking to someone and all I know it isn't me.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So what is next? I keep looking to see if she will call me. I think she will but if I don't hear from her today I will call her tomorrow. We stopped doing the text thing because I found out she was spending 20 cents a text which came to almost $40 a month just for texting me. If she updates her plan she can do it for $5 but she hasn't done that yet. I miss those messages. But she calls me more now which I like even better.
I took this picture of Lisa on Saturday while out on the boat. She bought her hat a week before at the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. There is no one I know who photographs as well as she does. She just knows how to look at the camera and just be natural. You might notice that the water is the background is as calm as can be. It was a completely windless day.
And on Sunday it was Chris and I out for a sail. There was more wind, but not much more wind. It may have been one of the best sailing weekends I've had in a long long time.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I go to see alot of Coleen this weekend even though she didn't join me on the boat. I saw her Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and again on Sunday. As far as trying to distance myself from her it's not really working too well. She makes me feel more and more loved all the time. I am starting put pressure on myself to push things. It's making me very jittery. I think my biggiest problem is I still can't picture us together. I want to move things but I don't know how. We talked about getting together for dinner later this week so maybe I'll finally steel my nerve enough. It's a risk that we won't have a friendship if I do but it already feels like we are more than that anyway. I need to take a chance.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Me evening last night was spent having dinner with Coleen (she spells it with just one "l"). She had some dental work this week and is still feeling the after effects of that. It is the second time she wanted dinner with me after going to see Mark and finding him shitfaced on the couch. I felt compelled to remind her of that fact ... probably should have let it go. But I was feeling very confrontational. I want to tell her if she wants to make a move in my direction that I'm here for her.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I spent my Sunday at the street fair that is known as the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. It's an annual event that is very laid back. It's more about getting out and seeing people you only see at these kind of things. I saw a number of people who I only barely recognized. The friends I saw were Chris, Lisa, Carmine, Roberta and Janet. Coleen was with her boyfriend Mark at the Giants' game. I made the mistake of sending a text message to her before the end of the event. She called me as I was leaving to say she and Mark were grabbing dinner at the bar but I'd already been on my feet the entire day so I said I was going home instead.
One wonders how a group like this can expect to run a successful election campaign when they appear so spelling-challenged. Lucky I have spell check ... as long as I remember to use it.
That's Chris and Lisa and Carmine . Yes, there was beer. No place to sit but there were lots of music. At least 4 different bands.
That's Roberta and Janet. It was a long day. At the end I dropped Roberta off at home because Janet decided to stay and go to some party. Roberta said it was because there is a guy who goes that she has sex with but they never go anywhere that is like a date. There would have been a time when it would have really bothered me but I'm long past that.
So now it's Tuesday and there is a plan to go away this coming weekend. I am expected to go by Janet and Roberta. I kind of want to go but there are so many things to do I'm not sure if I can go. That and since Coleen isn't going my incentive just isn't there. We had made plans to do something on Saturday so I'm very conflicted.
Monday, October 6, 2008
My weekend included a little bit of everything. There will be pictures later.
Friday I wasn't planning on much but when I needed to pick my car up near the bar I decided to make that part of my evening. The bar had been closed during the week so no one really knew if they were even open, but I got a call from Coleen and knew she would be there.
So there I was in my usual place with Coleen and hardly anyone else since everyone was unsure whether the bar was open. Coleen was planning her weekend around Mark so I just listened to her complain about why she wasn't getting what she wanted. She was mostly talking to Dave who has been giving her a hard time about her choices. She was still planning to have dinner at Mark's even though it was past 7 and Mark was already halfway though a 6 pack of tall-boy beers and seemed to have no intention of entertaining her that night. So she left the bar and headed there with Dave scoffing at her. I ordered another beer and before I even took one sip from it everyone else I knew decided to leave so there I was sitting alone with my beer. Just as I was about to finish the beer my cell rang. It was Coleen saying she needed to eat and Mark was in no shape for a meal. We agreed to meet at an Italian restaurant I go to. She was there before me even though I was there in five minutes. So we go in and eat and while we were talking she said some things that may have been the wine she was drinking, but she said some really nice things. But we ended the night with her still planning her weekend around Mark.
I spent my day doing errands and getting things done at home and on the boat. Went to Janet's before we went to the bar to meet the gang. Coleen plan was to go out to dinner with Mark and since she was going to spend Sunday with him she said she would be spending the night there. I was trying not to think about that so I pushed her out of my mind. So imagine my surprise when at 7:30 I see her come strolling through the door solo. Apparently there was no dinner either. She said she hadn't eaten. But I had already had dinner so I just talked to her. I suppressed the desire to tell her she needs to plan with me if she really wants to do something. Still it was good to know she was not spending the night with Mark, even though her day on Sunday would be with him.
So Sunday I didn't see her at all. I was out and about though and I'll talk about that in another entry.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I feel like I'm pulling the plug before the end of the story, but I guess the story doesn't really end until I'm deceased so it would be a lot to expect a true ending to this blog. Meanwhile, life goes on....
The bar we all go to most Friday nights is closed. Apparently the liquor license expired on the last day of September so as of October 1 they've locked the door until it can be resolved. No decision has been made as to where will will go for a new, temporary watering hole.
Last night I got a call from Coleen about just that subject. Our conversation evolved in a direction I was never prepared for. She confided in me that she feels very close to me and considers me to be her best friend. I said "please don't put that tag on me". And I meant it. She talked about how she really doesn't want to hang out with the other girls like Roberta, Judy and even Janet. I actually agreed with her on this. So if we find new place separate from them. But she also mentioned Mark will be there too.
So that's it for today. Hopefully there is still time for more.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I've lost trrack of how long I've been doing this blog, but if what I've been hearing since yesterday is true I will only be updating for another month. Sometimes I think nothing happens or changes but if I go back and look at older entries I can see I've written about so many things .... still no one special in my life. I lost my closest friend Joe, started hanging out with new friends in Glen Cove and even found myself attracted to an assortment of women. This journal has helped me to vent my frustration or obsessive compulsions.
So I will still be updating and try to figure out if there is another viable option. Or I may just move on and maybe start keeping a notebook which I've done many times before. The thing I'll miss is knowing that my words won't get read by random people and receiving their feedback.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I'm still dealing with a dry cough. It's better now than it's been and I think I got a good night's sleep for the first time in a week. It's the end of September ... last day of the month and also Rosh Hashanah. It was an easy commute into the city today as maybe half the people are off today.
Reminds me that I still haven't tried to call my ex-wife since her last "accidental" overdose. She is Jewish and while we were married tried to keep her holidays... funny thing is when we divorced she didn't do them anymore. Now i don't know what she is doing since I can't really get involved with her anymore. She needs to make her own way now and anything I do will only make her lose focus on what she needs to do.
Last night as I was about to eat dinner I got a cell phone call from Coleen. She was at the bar and wanted to talk to Janet. I was in the midst of a coughing fit and couldn't talk very long. She never called back and I was thankful for that since I've been struggling with just breathing lately.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Last night there was some live music at my favorite bar I was there until past midnight even though I am still feeling the effects of some kind of cough that is more annoying than debilitating.
Coleen was there and she was having fun. These are the moments that make me want to be more than her friend. I felt very close to her.
This is a picture of Coleen and Tony. Probably the only photo I've been able to get where you can see the real Coleen smile.
It's hard to get in a picture with Coleen when it's my camera and I'm taking most of the pictures. But I did manage to hand off the camera once and get myself into a picture. The older man is Donald who works as an auxiliary police and knows Coleen since she was little. He is in his seventies and seemed to think he could get Coleen to go home with him. I spent about an hour trying to act as a buffer between Colleen and his pawing hands. What's odd is Coleen never really shut him down. Jami asked if it made me jealous, which of course it did, but I couldn't admit that.
Coleen left way before me which isn't that unusual. I always have this hope that she will stay until I go but she never does. I always have this urge to make plans with her but she is always leaving it open on the chance she can spend time with Mark. Last thing we said was that she would call me today (Sunday) which at this point she hasn't. I wish she would give up on the Mark thing but it's obvious by now that's not in the cards. Still I enjoy her company when I can.
Friday, September 26, 2008
It's Friday at last. Not sure what I'm doing this weekend since most have my friends are away to Montauk. The weather isn't helping much either as we seem to be having the biginnings of a 3 day nor'easter. Torrents of rain this morning.
There is a good chance I'll just stay in to get rid of this cold or cough or whatever it is. Of course if Coleen calls I'll probably go out. We have developed a pattern of seeing each other on Saturday's. I'm sure I'll have more to say on Monday but for now that's it.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I've been sick since Saturday night. Can't figure out what it is. I felt like I had a fever and the cold sweats on Saturday at bed time. So Sunday I stayed in despite the beautiful day. Worked from home Monday and Tuesday even though I was dog tired. I was starting to think I had some kind of bladder or kidney infection because I was peeing so much I felt very dehydrated.
Then yesterday I felt better but when I went to the city for work I started a get this dry cough in the afternoon. Today I'm congested and still have this nagging cough. It's all in my chest. I can't tell if I'm really sick or it's just allergies. Hopefully I'll be better by the weekend.
Last night included dinner with Coleen. Even though I felt tired and just wanted to lie down I sucked it up and went because it's Coleen and I still can't manage to say no to her. It actually was a nice dinner even though I was having trouble finishing a sentence without needing to stop and cough.
I wish I had better experience at seduction. It really feels good know that she likes me but only on a platonic way it seems. I can't seem to shake this aura of non-sexuality with girls that I like. I know I should be more up front about my feelings but whenever I attempt to bring about a discussion of that she steers the conversation to her relationship with Mark. I create this agenda topics I wish I could get to but I never seem to get to it either because the time we spend is so short or I just see her not wanting to talk.
In fact last night's dinner was exactly that ... just dinner... we were together for just a little over an hour. A big reason for that was how under the weather I was. She did say she wanted to call me today. She has me where she wants me and not much I can do about it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I spent yesterday down with some kind of intestinal sickness. It started on Saturday and just got worse and worse. Sunday was a gorgeous day too. Would have been a spectacular day to be out on the boat or just out at the many street fairs to go too.
I woke up Saturday feeling just a little off... can't really explain except I was peeing a lot. By the time I went to bed Saturday night I had a fever and cold sweats. I slept for almost 12 hours but didn't sleep well at all. I'm better now although I am still very dehydrated.
I spent Friday night home ... didn't even go out. Tried to go out on Saturday but could last past 7:30. I did see Coleen during the day and enjoyed her company for lunch. She was planning a dinner with Mark and she really wanted me to come too but I begged off. If I had been able to hang out later she would have caught up to me but as it was she just missed me.
So there was my weekend ... a total bust. I even had a tentative plan to see Lisa on Sunday that I wasn't able to do. She seems to have gotten past her crisis with Carmine if only for the moment. She was doing the couples thing with her sister and brother-in-law.
So that's that. The next few weeks will be more of the same I'll bet. Sorry there isn't more excitement but that's my life.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I reached out to Coleen after work yesterday just to see what she was up to. So we met at the bar. We only had a couple of drinks but then we decided to go have something to eat at her favorite Italian place. It was fun but a little more expensive than I wanted. I'm a little low on cash this month so I may need to stay in this weekend.
I am thinking a lot about Lisa, but I knew her plans last night was to have Carmine over so I figured I could distract myself by Coleen. That worked a little bit.
I have no plans tonight and it seems like everyone else has some kind of date. That works out for me since I think I'm down to just my last few dollars. I am hopeful that Saturday will be a good day.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Interesting development... Lisa and I exchanged the following emails;
Lisa: any suggestions for a 2nd job?
|Lisa: i think i'm going to need one|
Mike:Oh no. Why? I had the boat out yesterday with Chris. Such a nice day. I was thinking about how much you would have enjoyed it.
Mike:A second job.... or just getting a new job. The only real opportunities are in retail. Or working in a bar.
Lisa: truithfully b/c i don't know if i can deal w/carmine and i can't pay my rent/bills without him
Lisa: how's that for sad?
Mike: Yes. That's a little unsettling. Considering how much skill and ability you have it shouldn't be this way. We haven't really talked about it other than that day you were at my house for dinner. I wish I had answers but I'm not sure how I make it through each month.
I have been getting hints from her that there was trouble in paradise. I don't really know what to make of this but I will see her later so she can vent. Stay tuned.
Every time I start to think I need to get rid of my boat because I just don't use it enough to justify the expense I have a day like yesterday. What a great day I had. No pictures so I will have to do my best description. I had asked my friend Chris to join me. He had gotten a broken foot way back in May so he hadn't been able to sail all summer. Chris is probably my only friend who has any sailing experience so it's always good to have someone else who knows what to do without detailed instructions.
So i woke up on Sunday with a tentative plan to get to the boat early. That didn't work out as I could only get to the boat a little after 12. Too many things to get done first, including laundry. It worked out well, since Chris could only get to the boat at 1 PM. But off we went as soon as he arrived. We motored out of the slip with a steady wind blowing from the south at about 10 to 12 knots. As we were leaving the marina I noticed we were barely making any speed since I had the engine full throttle and we had wind and current behind us. So I anchored and over the side I went to check the prop and sure enough it was crusted with barnacles. So we spent an hour scraping the prop and shaft and brushing the waterline as best we could. The effect of not getting the boat moved out of the slip enough. With that we pulled up the anchor and made a nice 4 hour sail. All was good. Sunny and 85 degrees.
I've always had my best sailing moments it seems in September and October. I'm going to make an effort to get out every weekend for the rest of the year.
The rest of the weekend was more of the usual. I never seem to hear from Lisa on weekends anymore. I really miss her. Lately all our communication comes vie Instant messaging and we don't really have any indpth conversations that way. I'm still talking to Coleen almost everyday and usually multiple times a day. I hadn't seen her for over 2 weeks until last Friday. I walked into Gates and saw her talking to Tony and I had to fight the urge to give her a big hug. She looked so good. I tryed to play the game and just waved hello and joined the other friends I had there. Eventually she came over to me and we agreed to meet for lunch on Saturday. I finally gave her the sweatshirt I bought for her from my trip. I got all kinds of shit about that from Roberta. "Where's my shirt?", she said. So I guess I fell down in her eyes. I guess I shouldn't have promised to get Coleen something when I'm still just another one of her guy friends. But then she calls me I forget all that stuff and I'm just glad it's her. She even rang me up this morning at work.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I haven't been able to put a new entry in since last week. My one attempt got deleted before I could do a save. Maybe that's telling me not to write until I have something worthwhile to say.
It's September 11th. I am sitting precisely where I was 7 years ago and I can turn and look out the window at the empty spot in the skyline where the WTC used to be. The surreal-ness of it is gone. It's pretty much the same now as it was then. No longer do we see armed guards and checkpoints. We are again at the complacency that we had back then. I feel safe this way. But I wonder how safe it really is.
Coleen returned from her trip upstate on Tuesday night. I got a text message from her at about 9 o'clock but we didn't spreak until Wednesday morning when she gave me a call. She said her trip was great and she wants to plan to have another one. I was kind of hoping to hear that she was bored the whole time and couldn't wait to get home. Does this make me bad?
I'm trying to distance myself emotionally. Last night I got home and put my cell phone on charge in the bedroom and left it alone. Before I went to sleep I saw that a text from Coleen had come in at around 9 o'clock. It said she was at the bar alone. It was way past the point where I could return her message so as I went to sleep I told myself that it was a good thing to not have sent a message back. It would be nice if it was an opportunity that could lead to something but the reality is that it's not. I have to stop reacting to her because she is lonely and insecure.
So now it's the next day and I am still scheming on how to be with her. I wish I could make it stop. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't want to hear it anymore.
It's Thursday which has been boat night but I'm pretty sure last week was the last one. Maybe I'll go down there tonight and just relax. There is this little voice in my head that wants Coleen to met me down there. Need to let it go.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Another summer has come and gone. While I can say I had a very enjoyable time this summer I'm still a little sad since I am still struggling with my singleness. I had hopes that Coleen would become available but as things evolved it is apparent to me now that she is never going to see me in that light. It's odd that we have come close but only in a platonic way. Why do I always seem to be able to only get that result from anyone I'm attracted to. I must look at this and see what in my behavior is causing this.
Coleen is going away on Friday with Mark to Lake Placid. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days and while I am not avoiding talking to her I feel I can't call or text her. She will only tell me how all excited she is about her trip and I'm just not wanting that conversation.
Lisa is also going away with her boyfriend. She left this morning. She will be in Pennsylvania. Lots of vacations lately, but they go will boyfriends and I go solo. I will say that I think I had the better vacation. But I wish I could be planning a vacation with someone special. I still have a sense of optimism that way.
But summer is over and now I start looking toward fall. I want to scale back my social outings. I spent way too much money this summer so I have to look at a budget and try to stay with in it. More time at home and less going to bars.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The last 2 weeks went by in a blur. Spent a lot of time on the water. I really enjoyed being on my brother's boat but I'm a little sad that my boat has spent so much time at the dock. There is still about 6 weeks before I have to get it out of the water.
I got home late Saturday and by the time I got to bed it was past 1 a.m. So Sunday was a family day as I saw my parents at my sister's house along with the the rest of my extended family. I felt totally drained and wasn't able to enjoy it much. I think I had boat-lag... something like jet-lag. I guess it takes some time to get used to being back on land.
The last day of the trip was stormy in the early part of the day. It was also my birthday. I didn't really celebrate as we were on the move the entire day.
The bad weather ended and we made our way in calm seas. There was a 3 hour delay when we ran into a sand bar and needed high tide to get through.
Monday was Labor Day and I spent the entire day at home trying to regain my strength. In addition to being worn out I had also had an incident where I fell getting from the dock to the boat on Saturday. I ended up grabbing the rail but banged my thigh and upper arm pretty hard. So I've been taking aspirin for the last 2 days.
On Monday night I went to dinner with Janet Roberta, Judy and Jami.
I did hear from Coleen but I didn't see her. We spoke on the phone while she was on her way with Mark to her brother's house. She and Mark are going away this Friday on a trip together upstate. So I guess I won't see her for a while and I think that it will be good to have some distance from her. I need to find something new.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm back for the the day and then I am off again tomorrow until after Labor Day. I put the pictures in an album because there were just so many of them.
It was a fun week. Barry, dad and myself slept on the boat on Wednesday night and took off the next morning at first light. It was an excellent trip on the ocean and we felt lucky to have blue sky and just a light breeze the entire way. We were anchored in Block Island at 7 P.M. and had a dinner in town. It was a little surreal to be in Block for the first time on 6 years. Our biggest glitch was the dinghy engine wouldn't start. I was confident we would get it fixed but dad felt we needed to go back.
The entire next day we set about fixing things on the boat. First issue was to get the engine on the dinghy to work. I had to walk into town and get new spark plugs. I lso grabbed a can of starting fluid... which did the trick. Only bad thing was I put my back in spasm. It is still sore.
All the repairs got done. I could tell my dad felt a little frustrated at first that these things weren't done already. There was the usual bickering but we got over it. I must say we laughed a little every day.
But it's also really hard sometimes to see my dad struggle. He's had emphesema and then last January we found out he has colon cancer. He is doing far better than we have a right to expect, but he is also looking older every time I see him. He doesn't ever want it to show that he can't do what he's always done, especially to us, his kids. We want to do things for him to make life easier but then that can just cause more friction. So we all search for that middle ground and it's a moving target we look for everyday.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
This is my last day at work before I begin a 2 week vacation. That will bring me right up through my birthday and Labor Day weekend. I've been trying to plan getting away but since it's just me I have been reluctant to commit to anything. I guess I also had hopes of something happening relationship-wise. I really need to let that go and get on with living my life.
The wine and cheese party on the boat last night got washed out by the rain. I spent my evening relaxing at home. Things have gotten back to normal. Coleen is back with Mark and she is there most nights. I got a text message from her late last night. I will see her tonight but I'm sure she will have the boyfriend with her. My other friends have been telling me to distance myself from her but as yet I haven't been able to do it. I keep thinking what if I'd gone to the boat Sunday? She went there looking for me. That was when they reunited. My only rationalization is it was bound to happen sooner or later.
I also had a brief online conversation with Lisa. She has been ranting about her boyfriend not being romantic to the point where she is unsure of what their future is. I wish I didn't know this. I feel like I'd just gotten to where I felt like I'd moved on.
I'm just in an odd place right now. It will need to pass.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I had Lisa come for dinner last evening. It's always nice to relax and just talk about anything with her. We talked about all kinds of things ... some of it got very intimate. She says she is feeling very frustrated in her sex life with her boyfriend. I talked about my mini-meltdown over the weekend when I lost contact with Coleen.
Lisa is of the opinion that I need to break that off until there is something more real with Coleen. My response was that I understand that is what I should do but my reaction is always to respond when I see her. I can't seem to get myself to do anything else but want to get close to her even when I know how frustrated I'll be.
Then we got into how Lisa can't seem to get Carmine to give her the affection she needs. She says he rarely initiates anything and she gets shut down all the time. She seems to be feeling coldness from him although she still thinks they have a future.
So as we were both sitting there talking about how unsatisfied we both feel it occurred to me that I was getting a little turned on. Like I could make a move based on the fact that she is talking like she is starving for sex and frankly so am I. I just wanted to kiss her so bad. I'd thought I had put those feelings to sleep but it doesn't take much to wake them up. I wonder how she would have reacted?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I went to see Boston at Jones' Beach. A little sad to see them perform in a half full stadium but they were great. It turned out to be a full on family event with all my brothers Barry, Sean, Brian and sister Maryliz going along with in-laws Georgene and Sue.
We did a tailgate before the show. Barry had an extra ticket he didn't use... and Coleen wanted to go but found out too late for that to happen. Maybe it was fate. As it was I got the third degree about her.
We as a family have had a lot of good times together this summer. Can't remember the last time we all bonded like we did last night ... no parents or nieces and nephews. Just us. I wish we could have more moments like that. I feel very blessed.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I feel better although I don't know why. I finally heard from Coleen yesterday afternoon. The reason I didn't hear from her was exactly what i had thought. After I disappointed her by not being at the boat she went and found Mark and spent the afternoon and evening with him. Since I figured that was inevitable I'm not too emotional about it. Better to not have gotten closer only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet.
I guess what I can now see is how much she will want to latch on to whoever she may go for after Mark. I don't exactly know if I'm ready for that. No that summer is drawing to a close I can see my involvement with her start to shrink. Too much time has gone by to have anything really happen between us. It also seems that most, if not all, of my friends see her as a bad option for me.
So little by little I'm feeling better about things as they are. I may change that next time I'm here but right now I'm getting on with other things.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I am just sitting here debating with myself as to whether I should take action or not. I know Coleen is at work and probably busy. But I really feel the urge to reach out to her and find out how we missed each other yesterday. I guess she expected me to be at the boat and when I wasn't decided to do something else. I just think her failure to call me back has a reason and I could make it worse by being overly aggressive. On the other hand knowing what happened will give me some relief. I get this feeling she doesn't feel comfortable around the other girls. I'm looking back as yesterday and wish I had gone to the boat like I usually do. But also if I had just called her ... oh, well. I can't change the past and she has told me more than once she wants to be friends only so I need to look at it in that light. Don't get too much more emotionally attached and eventually she will find a way to talk to me in her own time.
Here are some more pictures from Saturday's fishing trip.
This is the Robert Moses Bridge to Fire Island.
The Fire Island Light.
Janet's daughter Ali showing me how to bait a hook.
The day on the fishing boat could only have been better if I'd actually gotten a fish. I don't really cook fish so I wasn't too upset about not hooking any.
Last night I had dinner with some other friends I know from Scuba diving. I don't see them nearly enough since I rarely dive any more. It was a fun dinner but they were planning a trip upstate to dive in Lake Ontario. I'll be sitting that out.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I don't know if I made a mess of things but I feel like I could have missed a golden opportunity. Last Friday I left work and went to the bar. I had spoken to Coleen so I knew she would be there. She had to seal some things at home but she eventually got there. I had some moments ... more feelings than actually substance. Just that occasional eye contact that made me feel like I could connect without words. But if something was happening it would need to wait.
My day on Saturday would take me away from spending more time with Coleen. I spent the day out on a fishing boat. I thought it would be good to re-set myself with a new activity. It was something Janet set up and I feel I need to strengthen that relationship if only so there will be someone there to pick me up when I fall. That is somewhat of a metaphor but Janet really is the most sincere friend I have and she seemed so disappointed that I didn't join her fishing trip last year I felt like I needed to make more of an effort when it comes to her.
Obviously Janet takes her fishing seriously. I really wish she could get into sailing but so far that doesn't really look like it will happen.
So my only contact with Coleen was a cell phone conversation before getting on the boat. She was not having a good day woman wise. Cramps and bathroom issues was going to keep her home most of the day. I mostly wished that she felt better but I was also thinking selfishly that she probably would be staying away from Mark most of the day. I keep thinking she going back to him with just one call.
After fishing I headed to my brother Barry's house where I met up with other brothers Brian and Sean and the four of us went to see a concert at Joens Beach. I'll get into that in another entry but I will say it was a good bonding experiance to be hanging out with my 3 brothers. I did send a text message to Coleen who said she felt better and was at the bar. At least she wasn't at Mark's.
So I woke up Sunday with out a plan. I got a call from Janet who wanted me to come down and hang out at the beach. I said I would get there for a little while. I wanted to reach out to Coleen and I actually looking at my phone to send a text message three times. I should have. She literally called me seconds after I got to the beach to tell me she was at the boat wondering where I was.When I told her I was at the beach I told her to come down. She never did show up. My attempts to reach her have gone unanswered.
Now I'm left to wonder where she went and why she hasn't called me back. I'm guessing when she couldn't find me on the boat she found herself reaching for Mark. The main reason I hesitated calling her in the first place was that her usual Sunday was to go see Mark and spend most of the day at his side. Now I feel like if I could have called her anyway it could have been a Sunday with me. At this time I don't know. I wish I could make plans with her.
Friday, August 8, 2008
At the very least I do feel validated. I spent last evening with Coleen AGAIN. She was hungry and we went out to eat. I can tell she is struggling with not having dinner with Mark. She sounds determined to leave him but she is so used to having meals with him that she seems to be avoiding dinner altogether. I wonder if I could get her to eat with me? My house is much too far away for her to come too as often as Mark's.
I can see her going back and forth with how she wants things to go. Every now and then she would slip and talk about how she wants to live her life without Mark but then would talk about having people come to his house for a party. Or refer to him as "my boyfriend". She also slipped that she's been crying while doing soul searching at night.
Before the end of the night I told her my plans for the weekend would keep me busy and we couldn't get together. Her reaction surprised me a little. She was genuinely sad that I wouldn't be around. I can feel her getting attached to me but still only as a friend. Makes me consider changing my plans.
There is this thought however that she and Mark are only going through a rough patch and she would be glad to be in his company again if he would simply just reach out to her. So I do need to maintain some distance. I fear that I can't control any of my actions.
At the end of the night I put a kiss on her... no tongue. Best I can do.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The rollercoster ride continues. I got a lunch time visit from Coleen yesterday. It was great to have company but at the time I was engrossed in work issues. We ate leftovers from the restaurant we had gone to the night before. Seeing her in my home gives me pause for thought. I can see us getting closer and closer but not as anything other than friends. I have to believe she knows how much I like her although I can't bring myself to say it until she is at least available.
Coleen's body language is telling me more and more that I not getting anywhere. And now I am starting to sense she is beginning to cool towards me. Maybe now that she sees how I live she knows I would have a lot of trouble taking care of her. Or maybe I'm just smothering her a little. Either way I guess I'll have to withdraw a little. I will let her make the next move.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Since I hadn't heard from Coleen on Monday I had hopes of hearing from her on Tuesday. So when I got a text as I was walking of the train I felt pretty confident. I asked her to have dinner.
We met at 6:30 at our favorite Indian restaurant. First thing Coleen says to me was "Mark bit her head off again". Her exact words. It seems that Monday night she let his dog out and he ran through the sprinkler and this was somehow her fault. I siezed the opprtunity to see if she was ready to move on. She said she was but then I felt like she hasn't really made the switch. We talked a little about how life would be after Mark. I told her she would never lack for things to do. I told her she can call me any time. Hopefully she will.
I still don't really feel the love for me that I keep hoping I'll find. Just a friend who seems to care for me a great deal.
I can't really see how this can go on like this ... moving inch by inch. I imagine anyone who reads this must be frustrated or bored. That's if I still have anyone who reads my entries. I do get a sense that something will change soon. How or why is unknown to me.
During my evening with Coleen I got a text message from Tracy. She was inquiring about my weekend. I put my phone away until after Coleen had headed for home. I sent a response to Tracy that I hadn't taken a cruise on the boat and i wouldn't for at least a week. I really wanted to tell her I had been out with the one I love but I couldn't. No matter what happens with Coleen I can't ever see me having those feelings with Tracy.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I still can't get to sleep at night. No alcohol yesterday so it's not that. I guess the extra caffiene probably didn't help. So again today like yesterday I'm exhausted. It's very hard to concetrate.
I had a very quiet time at home last night. Just me and the TV. I had called and left a message on Coleen's voicemail but she either didn't get it or was too busy to call. It wasn't like I needed her to call back. It's just that I said I would call. So after spending more than half my weekend with her I had no contact yesterday.
I did have a round of email from the girls. Since Roberta was away she asked to be filled in on things ... and there were some things that I had also missed. It seems that there was a division amongst the beach goers. So now we are seperating into 2 camps. It seems that two of the women aren't speaking and now everone must choose between groups. I have so much going on I may not be going to the beach much for the rest of the summer anyway.
I put in for vacation from August 18 through Labor Day so if I don't blog it's because I've managed to get away. Still iffy for me to travel though. I really need to be able to get away from all the crazy thoughts going in me head. It remains to be seen if I can do that.