Friday, December 19, 2008

My struggle

I have been hesitant to add a new post. Things being what they are I don't feel like I pour my heart and soul out right now. I need to keep much of it inside. In fact, I have been keeping much of the things I deal with out of the blog. It can just be so painful. But now I can't seem to be able to think of anything else. I keep reviewing my actions and I so want things to be different. I'll always feel I could have done more. I almost feel like Brenda's death was my responsibility. She always seemed to love me more than I could love her. She never showed those kind of feeling for anyone else that I know of. I really wanted her to let go but she never let go of anything. Not her Mom or Dad or me.

So I have a hurt that won't go away. As if I have a disfiguring scar. How can I ever expect to be loved when I couldn't love the one person who really loved me. I am still hopeful but much less so.

I had dinner with Coleen last night. I still have these warm feelings for her even though I don't think she will ever return them. But I still think she loves me. I just don't know in what way. I've become so focused on her I'm struggling to find other things to do. Trying not to have so much whoa as me feelings.


Krissy said...

I hope you have a good Christmas! :)

Your friend

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