Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The real meaning of Memorial Day

Yesterday was Memorial Day and I was at the bar watching. Every little town and village has it's own parade so it feels like it's small. I have always looked at this holiday as an unofficial start to summer and the beginning of my boating season. Then I got this picture and it really hit home what this day means.

The parade was marching bands and classic cars and lots of firemen. But every vet that came by was saluted by the man in uniform. I guess it isn't just another day off and BBQ for everyone.

I also got a nice picture of Janet. She always hates when I take her picture but I think I got a good one this time. She was showing off her vacation tan as she had only returned from Cancun on Saturday.

The rest of my weekend was spent doing the things I need to do to have a good boating season. Got the water tanks filled, checked the engine, started the refridgerator and mostly just got think cleaned and put stuff where it goes. Probably my hardest job was getting the dock lines straightened out. I had to pretty much re-do all the lines and I'm still not confident I am finished. It's always a work in progress at the beginning but when I am done I can just drop the lines and go.

For some reason Coleen is calling and texting me again. It started on Saturday just before the fireworks. I don't want to start thinking about her to much anymore. I need to make sure I can still do my own thing and not wait around to make plans for her. I made sure not to formally invite anyone down to the boat for the annual fireworks at the park. except Lisa and her boyfriend. She had said she would just be home and barbeque. So at dinner time I gave Chris a call and he came down. We had some chicken that I'd bought and then an hour prior to sunset Lisa showed up with bf Carmine and her sister and nephew. So it went from nobody to a crowd in no time. Then I got calls from my 2 brothers and my sister. They were all going to be in the park but since I now had guests I was not there. I did go over and say hello. Then out of nowhere i get the Coleen text. If she wanted an invite she needed to do it alot sooner than that. I just told her I'd see her the next day.

I got her text at 9 on Sunday. I guess it's all about just having me to talk to. For the most part the rest of my weekend was quiet. Lots of work to do.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Flow

A slow night at home. I was surfing around on Facebook and saw a comment from Doreen about how disappointed by the med in her life. I decided to add my own comment. All she said was it wasn't about me. Oh, makes me feel so much better. With that I let it go and moved on.
Not planning anything for the holiday weekend other than being down at the boat getting it ready for summer. There will be fireworks on Saturday that I'm planning to watch from the boat.
Friday night used to be the best part of the weekend but now I am just going to take it easy and try to start my Saturday early. Going with the flow will be my only plan.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

So what else is new

Last night I decided to send a text to Coleen just to see what would happen. Of course she messaged back . The short version is we had dinner together for the first time since March. How we got there was confusing to me. Trouble with text message exchanges are how you can tell what someone is really thinking when they ask a question. When Coleen asks "Are you hungry?" and I responded "going for Chinese food in 10 minutes", it wasn't necessarily my expectation that she would meet me there. So when she said she was there waiting and it was 20 minutes later I had to hustle to get there.
It was a fun, casual "we are just friends" dinner. She told me all about her problem with the BF Tommy, which apparently is all cleared up. Seems someone thought they saw her car early in the morning coming from somewhere toward home. She said it wasn't her and I was not questioning that. I hace my doubts abd it may or may not be true but I was just there to listen. Then she asked me about Doreen. I can only guess how she heard about that. But I told her the story about how she had put in Facebook that she was going to Atlantic City with her (ex?) BF. Coleen said she was sorry and seemed sincere. I almost wished she wasn't sincere. Really wasn't looking for sympathy.
So that was my night. Coleen is off from work this week and is planning to spend the rest of her time with the BF so I told her I'd see her around. It was starting to feel like she had lost my number so it was good to just reconnect. The thing was more just me being a little distant. I guess with the holiday weekend coming up I needed to know I still have people around.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Changes in Attitudes

Some days it feels like all I have left is this blog. I just said good bye to my mom. She is at the airport awaiting her flight back to Florida. I most likely not see her again until the fall. I joined her and my sister's family for dinner last night. I had a thought to stop into the bar first but decided I would be better not to. I would only be doing it to see Coleen and I want to let that go.
The long weekend is approaching and my plans at the moment seem to only be with family. I kind of stopped making plans with any of my friends. That just means things have to happen at the last minute.
I've always been saying how I always seem to get more excited about Memorial Day weekend than any other holiday. It's the opening of summer and all the hopes and expectations that come as the weather warms up. When I was a kid that was more around July 4th but now that I'm older it seems like disillusion has set in by July. Any chance of some kind of magical summer is usually gone by then. Do I sound a little jaded? I guess so. I still want those things and even if I have less and less optimism I still think there are possibilities.
It was almost exactly a year ago today I stopped drinking. That lasted until September. After 3 months I felt that I had accomplished what I had set out to, but really I wonder if I can do it again. I did feel when I was focused on not drinking I could not consider dating so last summer was for sure my strangest. So now I look at things from a perspective a little different this year.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Busy weekend.

Another weekend has come and gone. I got all the things done that I'd planned and then some. The sailboat has been launched and although I am a long way from being ready to sail, it's a good start to the summer. Saturday started with me picking my mom up at the airport. It was a visit to surprise my sister on her 50th birthday. I was remiss in not getting my camera out but I have gotten such negative feedback from the pictures I take I have taken to leaving the camera home.
Okay, let's start from Friday night. I started things off by going to my sister's for some pizza and my be a trip to Costco for party supplies my sister wanted to get. After the pizza she said she really didn't need anything so we never went to Costco. So from there I went to the bar. It was already well past 7 so I wasn't sure who I might still see up there. I walk in and immediately see Coleen with her Tommy and friend Barbara. Coleen must have been there a while because she looked a little pie-eyed. She wanted to talk to me but I wasn't very interested. It has been a while since we had spoken and it feels a little like she had lost my number so I kind of said "See ya later" and moved on down to the other side of the bar. After a minute or 2 she came down to where I was and was saying if I needed a ride to get the boat the next day I should call her. I knew she had dinner plans with Tommy so I said I had it covered. I didn't but I knew I wasn't asking her for any favors. With that she was out the door and the last thing she did was make the hand gesture with her pinkie and thumb that says call me. Bye-bye.
I made it an early night and was ready to pick up mom on Saturday then get the boat into the water. It was a blue sky and not much wind so I managed to get the sails ready and prepped the boat for the water in about 3 hours. I had the boat into the water and I was into my slip in the marina by about 4:30. Not real problems. That has not always been the case so it was a good day all around.
After getting everything all set up I managed to get a ride to my car and home to shower and change. It worked out that I was in the bar to see the Preakness go off but i got there too late to enter the pool. It was just as well since I never win those things anyway. To my surprise I saw Coleen come in alone just as the race started. I asked her what happened to dinner. She said it had been cancelled by Tommy and gave me some lame story about his family not able to get together, but later I over heard there is trouble in paradise. I long ago decided I didn't want to listen to all her crap so I was glad to be left out of the loop as far as that goes, but apparently she was accused by Tommy of cheating on him. I didn't get any more detail than that mostly because i didn't want them but in my mind I would say it's very possible. My guess is she shacked up with Dean a few more times, although I have no way of knowing it that's what is true. I barely spoke to her and Coleen only stayed for a minute or two. This is how my twisted mind works, I had to fight the urge to ask her to have dinner with me. She said good night and I let her leave without asking, thank God. I said I would call her later but I never did.
Sunday was my sister's birthday party. My morning started at the gym where I met Lisa. I didn't do much of a workout but at least I got there. Afterwards Lisa and I went to the garden center where I got a potted plant for my sister. I also bought a few other things for my front yard. It's nice to have some color out front.
The party started at three but I got there 30 minutes late and things were in full swing. My sister hired a band and I ended up dancing a lot. There were a lot of my sister's friends there including Cindy, who I'd had one disastrous date with a long time ago. We chatted a bit but I really can't imagine going there again. There was no action at the party but I did have a lot of fun. I wish I could remember all the people I spoke to but everything went by so fast.

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's still just me

While my days have been relatively stress free they are also fairly uneventful. I've been staying home a lot and not really missing much. I have my sister's 50th birthday celebration to go to on Sunday. My mom is flying in from Florida tomorrow and I have the task of picking her up at the airport. I also am launching my boat in the afternoon tomorrow so it will be a full day. The forecast is positive so I can look forward to getting it all completed. I can't wait.
Not much else to report. I've been going to the gym more and the bar less and with that much less opportunity to get into any trouble. There was a moment that occurred last Sunday though.
I was in the bar saying hello to some friends and wasn't planning on a long stay. I saw this girl I'd never seen before walk in and sit at the bar all alone. It was near my friend Bruce so I figured I would talk to him ad see what's what. When I spoke to Bruce she immediately engaged us in conversation. Well, than was the opening I had been looking for and I then sat and talked to Lilly for over an hour. I will say she was a little exotic looking as she was from Peru. She was not from the area but had once dated someone who was. We pretty much kept our conversation to that. She was very attractive which made me wonder what I was expecting to accomplish. I was looking for a chance to see if I could get her out of there, but it was not to be. I needed to use the bathroom and while I was there she must have gotten a phone call or made one. She hadn't left because her sunglasses and drink were still on the bar but after she never came back after 45 minutes or so I figured I should call it a night. She was still outside on the phone when i left. Clearly she had issues that were not for me. It was still good to try to connect with someone new for the 2nd time in just a few weeks. I need to keep trying.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Life is good

Here I am posting more often... which says that I've got little to nothing going on. My life right now consists of work, then tv, with trips to the gym and laundry about my only activities. I am not feeling too bad about that. I can be by myself for a while. My bills are paid, although I've just got a dollar in my pocket. Life is just okay.
It feels good that there are finally green trees and growing grass again. Going to work without a coat makes life so much simpler. I do not miss the cold. No big plan for the weekend except working around the boat. I want to set up my launch date on Saturday. Maybe the 20th or 23rd. I can't wait.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I've been busy even though no one has been around. Just one of those things where I have a lot to do. Big night of laundry last evening. I go to the laundry room that is part of my building and get 2 loads of wash all set up and then realize the change machines are out of quarters. And I'm one quarter short. Ugh. So I'm off to find quarters. I find a public laundry and pumped a $10 bill into it and got my change. So it wasn't really that big a deal. It was just wasn't how I planned my evening.
No one has called me back since Monday. I'm sure it's just everyone else keeping busy just like me. So I won't think much of it. I'm going to attempt to make it into the gym at least twice this week. I've really slacked off the last month or so and want to get myself back. I was there Monday and I feel really sore so obviously I needed it. I know I'm never going to have that athletic look but I at least can feel like I can maintain some kind of active life style and never feel like I am completely over the hill. I also want to be around people. And staying out of the bar is always a good thing.
It looks like I've heard the last of Doreen. Seeing her FB entry about planning a trip with the ex-BF has made me put her on the shelf. She was never going to amount to anything anyway as she could never keep up with what I do. I also felt like she was looking for a man with a fat wallet. She even said that was her only interest in the ex-BF. Not a lot in sincerity there. I know this is going to seem cold but I was struggling with the fact that she is more or less disabled. I didn't see it at first but she is still suffering from the after effects of a stroke some years back. She can't really use her arm and she has a severe problem walking although I didn't even notice it. I guess when you meet someone in a bar and you just talk for hours it's not easy to notice. She and I were sitting on bar chairs when we met and I just never picked up on it. But she did seem really nice and has a cuteness about her. I was hoping to see how far I could go but maybe I'm better off seeing this end now.
I was thinking about how I am with these kind of things. I was considering what another guy might do when looking at this situation. I knew I was never going to allow this to be any kind of big thing, but I was considering how I really need some kind of validation. I thought I could try to seduce someone and for the most part I was doing just that. I think if I could commit to that and have just allowed her to think I was more into her she was going to go for it. It could have been easy but something inside me just wouldn't let it happen. I wanted to slow things down a little and with that she apparently moved on.
The only positive thing I can come up with is that I know I can spot a girl that likes me. All I need to do is be a little more aggressive and see how that goes. I may just look at the next situation and have a little more attitude and see where it takes me.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Repeating History - learning nothing.

I don't know whether to be mad or just disgusted. I had asked Doreen if she would like to have another date with me for Friday. She kind of just pushed it off to where she said she needed to get back to me on it and then never did. So Friday night I just stayed in. I knew I was going to a wedding on Saturday so I just figured no sense in over doing it. So I go online just for the hell of it and I see a comment on Doreen's facebook that she is planning to spend the weekend in AC with her ex-bf. My reaction is "ba-bye Doreen". We really only had one date so I'm not all heartbroken but still... wtf is with women? Did she not know I would see it? Perhaps that was her plan to let me down easy? Well - no problem.
The wedding was fun. I've been staying away from the girls, specifically Roberta so there was a little tension. I guess we both knew it was not the time or place so we both let the past be in the past and I know I had a good time. I danced with Roberta, Jami and pretty much anyone else who wanted to. Janet saved the last dance for me and I ended the night taking her to a have a drink with some of the 20-somethings that were at the wedding. I was exhausted by the time I dropped Janet off at her house. I still don't know how I ended up taking her home. That was not on my agenda and I am feeling very odd about it.
How come I can see just how to know that I can make a pass at Doreen but with Janet I can't make a move. Her body language just doesn't feel like she has that interest, and yet there I am at 1 o'clock sipping a glass if wine on Janet's couch wondering if there is something I missed. What I mean is she never gets close enough for me to touch, let alone kiss. It has to be that I need to find something new. I hate being attracted to a girl who is a friend. I wanted to call Janet yesterday but somehow didn't. Was that a mistake? I doubt it. I've been there before and need to not go back.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Words on a page

For some reason today I have an urge to write. Not sure why since nothing much has been going on. My work has become my main priority and everything else has needed to take a back seat. Unfortunately it's making me feel socially bottled up right now. Not seeing or talking to many people. It feels like my Doreen thing has whithered and died and it's my own fault. I haven't followed up our one night of near passion with any kind of plan. It's not dead and buried but it definitely feels like it's in the ICU.
I spent my entire weekend last week working in and around the boat. It's not ready to go into the water yet but I for sure want to have a timetable in place by next Monday. It is a long lonely process since I have no one that has any interest in the process but me. They all are waiting for the launch.
I can't seem to figure out how I want my life to be any more. I mean, here is someone willing to see me as a man and I feel like it's not the right thing. There may be too many similarities to what was wrong in my marriage and I don't want my loneliness cause me to commit to something too soon. But it was so nice waking up with another person in the house. But now it just feels a little fast.
My plans for the upcoming weekend include a wedding. It is Janet's daughter. I have barely spoken to Janet in over 2 months. We spoke in the phone once since before I left for Florida and that was my initiative. I may just find myself alone a lot while at this event. Part of me wonders if I should even go. There just better not be a problem with Roberta.