Thursday, January 31, 2008

My dad is in the hospital

My dad went into the hospital on Tuesday. He was scheduled to have a colonoscapy on Wednesday. This requires a 24 hour fast. No food for a whole day caused he medications to mess him up so bad he needed to go to the ER and got checked in overnight. They are keeping him there until today as a precaution. He had his procedure yesterday and they will biopsy some tissue. We are praying is some kind of benign growth that can be removed simple. It's more than a pollup so there is cause for concern. But we expect he will be fine.

This brings back memories of Janet's mom, who died in October 2006. I remember Janet telling me the doctors had found cancer in a biopsy they did that summer and 8 weeks later she was gone. So even though you can't get too distraught until the test results are in I feel very nervous today.

Not much else really happening. I've been spending a lot of time looking at old photos that I got from my parents in Florida. If you've looked at prior posts you've seen some of them. I find it hard to look at them and not get emotional... and this is before my dad was in the hospital. It's like seeing A Wonderful Life starring my parents. Scenes from Christmas and vacations since I was a toddler.

I sent Coleen a text yesterday but nothing came back. Just said "What's new?". I don't know what I expected anyway. I'll wait and see what the weekend brings. I may blow off the bar to see Lisa again since I owe her money and she needs back. Stay tuned....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

more pictures

Growing up we must have spent a lot more time outdoors than I remember. The beach and the boat was our passion. I could never live anywhere that was away from the ocean. And I could never figure out why I have so many hats? Obviously its genetic. Mom still wears the craziest hats.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Growing up pictures.

Today in the mail I got a cd of pictures that my dad had made up from 800 slides he had. So this will be episode one of what may be a continuous stream of family related pictures starting from before I was born. There pictures include mostly me and my brother starting out on our first day of school.

There are also a few of me on the sailboat my parents had when I was in high school. It looks like I loved it but actually at that age the last thing I ever wanted to do was spend and entire day trapped on a boat with my parents. So you won't see very many of me after I was 16. That's the life of a teenager. If only I'd known that I would grow to love all those things later I might have appreciated them more then.

2nd Attempt

What do you do when you spend an hour pouring out your soul in this thing and your cat decides he wants attention and steps across the keyboard and suddenly the entire entry disappears? All I can do is scream and start over. Argh!

Let's see if I can remember everything again....

Weekend is over, work week begins, check.

Spoke to Roberta on the phone yesterday, check.

Spoke to Janet too. Also on the phone, check.

Got a text message last night from Coleen, check.

I'm sure there has to more details that that. Okay.

After Friday night I spent the rest of the weekend home with Tigger. I really should have gotten out and at least taken a walk but I didn't even do that.

I called Roberta who went to see Young Frankenstein on Broadway with her family on Saturday. She will be busy most of February so who knows if we can get together at all. Maybe she can make it to the bar on Friday.

Janet I spoke to also. I'm having trouble holding conversations with Janet lately. After she told Chris she wouldn't go out with him I've had this urge to ask her how she can turn Chris down and then find such a creepy guy like Bunky so irresistable. But I haven't and it make me hypocritical. So all I can think about are talking about her new braces for her teeth and how her kids are doing.

Later on Sunday night I got a text message from Coleen. It simpley said "Sweet dreams". It was a pleasant surprise. It didn't seem to mean anything so I didn't return anything. I had a long explanation as to why in my first entry that the cat deleted but now I just can't do it again. Maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Weekend - what weekend?

I skipped yesterday not because I had nothing to add but so that I may gain some perspective. I got a few dollars loaned to me from Lisa so my I'm not nearly as broke as I was. Still, I vowed not to go to the bar this weekend and thus far I haven't. Since most of my blogs entries seem to be about insidents that occur there you might think I don't have much for today. Perhaps that is true. But read on anyway.

Friday night Lisa and I had dinner at her house. It was a last minute decision so she didn't really have a plan for dinner. She through together a tuna and pasta dinner that was surprisingly good. Since I hadn't left the house since Tuesday it was good to just get in the car and go some place. Our main topic of conversation was about her cats. One of them seems to be showing hos age. He is 16 and suddenly he is peeing every where.

After dinner Lisa hands me $40 and says "take his until you get paid". At first I wanted to give it back but she reminded me that I've always been there when she needed something and I just pocketed the money.

Before I left we had a brief conversation about what happens when Carmine comes back from his vacation. I wanted to remind her that I enjoy seeing her and don't want to be persona non grata just because she has a boyfriend. I don't know if she really heard me but she did agree. 


The picture is pretty much the entire place. It's really small.

I also got a text message from Coleen again at a little past 5 on Friday. She just said hello and she was home with a cold. It makes me feel good that she wants to keep contact with me. So I sent her a text on Saturday afternoon. It took almost 3 hours but she eventually did respond. Just said she felt better. I don't know if she was out though.

I got a call from Janet on Saturday too. Janet went to the bar on Friday and said she had too much to drink and had to get a ride home. She sais it was mostly caused by her not having anything to eat and for her drinking on an empty stomach makes her get drunk really fast. She seemed to be hinting at if I wanted to see her on Saturday night. I told her I'd call her later which I did but got no answer. I really didn't want to go anywhere so I was happy to leave a message. She never did call back.

So Saturday night i was home. Lisahad said she might join me for dinner and I have a meatloaf I can make. But she decided she wanted to stay home and keep an eye on her sick cat. So I didn't make the meatloaf and just stayed home and drank margaritas all night.

Not much excitement. I'm almost ashamed to even save this. Next weekend as to be better.   

Friday, January 25, 2008

Different day - same story

I've been working from home for the last three days. Haven't left the house except to talk out the garbage. At least I still have my last $5. The excitement from talking to Coleen is now a distant memory. It is Friday and I've already gotten the Friday email from Roberta who, like me, is down to her last few dollars. She would be staying in tonight.

I have no expectations this weekend. I can only hope that this situation is going to be better once I get pain again. Mainwhile I need to stay home and not borrow or spend any money.

I can still see Lisa. She understands when I'm on a tight budget. But I asked her in a text message what she was doing this weekend and got no response. So I may just stay home alone this weeknd.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Really confused

I got a text message from Coleen late in the afternoon yesterday. It just said "what up?". So I called her up and we had a talk. At first I was very excited to be talking to her. And a little surprised. We talked about going out to dinner and she name dropped the boyfriend again so I don't know what to really make of that other than she wants to get to know me as a friend or just wants to not feel like she is cheating. I still haven't told anyone how attracted I am to her. I kind of want to have something to believe in first. Right now I think it's pretty much all my imagination. But then why is she sending me messages?

And let me tell you something about the boyfriend. I think he's older than me and has grown kids so there is at least one ex-wife somewhere. And Janet says he's a little sleazy because on New Years he was dancing with her and was looking for more. And what's up with that... he dances with Janet and not Coleen. And I know she likes to dance because she danced with me. I also overheard him say they are just friends. So I would say Coleen has more emotion invested than he does. I've seen her cry about it. If not for that I would probably walk away.

Is it possible she just wants attention in the hopes her boyfriend notices her more? That's what I think. So I'm being very careful not to have much expectations. At least I feel like I'm in the game.

So my plan to not go out this weekend is getting tougher. Not having any money means I really can't but come Friday I will be climbing the walls. And what do I do when I get the inevitable emails saying to come out? The things I need to do when I get paid are adding up. Pay Macy's, Kohls, car insurance, allergyst, haircut, groceries and I need to go to the optomitrist and get new glasses. The pay won't last long.

Lisa's older cat Edmund seems to be really sick. He's stopped using the litter box and had been urinating on the floor and the bed. He's 16 years old so he may be coming to the end. Or he just may be having trouble with sharing the litter box. Let's hope it's that.  

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I called Janet to see how she was last night. She is getting braces and had 4 teeth taken out on Monday. Very unusual to wait until her forties to get braces but that's Janet. I called to see how she was feeling. She said it's uncomfortable but better than the day before.

Janet has always managed to keep her attractive looks better than anyone I know but looking back at all the pictures I've taken she never really smiles in any of them. So she has always been selfconscious about her smile. It's true for all of us ... all we ever see are our flaws even if no one else does. I hope she realizes that she doesn't need straight teeth to be beautiful.

Not much else happened yesterday except I received bill from Christmas for Macy's. It's only $84 but it's due Jan 28 and I can't pay it until 31st. The minimum is $10 and I don't even have that. I could write a check and risk another overdraw charge of $35. Either way I get nailed. Money has cost me more sleep than anything else. I wish I could make it go away but I feel like the end is getting so close. You see I had accumulated a $70 thousand debt in credit cards that 3 years ago just got out of hand. So I got on a payoff plan from a debt agency and I started with 66 monthly payments and now I only have about 28 left. That's still 2 years but I've been paying for over 3. More than half way. I looked at the total and it's now just a shade over $20 thousand. I've been taking it one month at a time.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Just another day in the rat race

I spent yesterday inside trying to stay warm. My only trip outside was to get milk at the store. This is day 2 of being broke. By being broke I mean that I can't get any more moeny than the $5 plus change I have in my pocket. That means I can't buy gas or drinks or food or anything that exceeds $5 until I next get paid which won't be until January 31. I have determined that I will survive for the next 9 days with just that. I am holding out the $5 for gas just in case. I have everything I need I think. I don't need anything at the grocery store... plenty of food for me and Tigger to eat. I have almost a half a tank of gas in the car, probably enough as long as I stay local. I work from home the next week and I have my LIRR ticket for all the trips I'll need. The only problem I have is I will not be able to go out on Friday night or the rest of the weekend. I guess I can do that.

I got an email from Olga yesterday. Why do I feel the need to keep in touch with someone who is so unstable that I don't think she even knows what she is doing half the time. This is from the email she sent;

Going to send you another CD, don’t waste your time on writing e-mails until you receive it – then, hit me back.


PS: Look for Irish girlfriend, they are mostly closer to you. Look for a one who used to date coast-guard, and staying for several years along after – they are usually sick, and don’t require more than shelter (not even food).


She also included a more recent photot.
Why does she think I need her advice on a girlfriend? I can't even figure out half of what it is she is trying to say. She wants to give me another CD of music I probably will only listen to once. And no emails until then ... you know what, that's easy. My first impulse is to tell her to keep the CD and not to expect any more emails. But then I have this other little voice in my head that says she means well and I should just relax and let her do what she wants. It's not like she is asking for anything. And she clearly has no interest in seeing me. Thank God she lives all the way in Brooklyn and likely couldn't find me even if she wanted to.
What is it about me that makes me maintain there dysfunctional relationships? I guess the only answer is that I may only have a choice between dysfunctional or none at all.
So other than thay yesterday uneventful. The most excitement has been that I've gotten several comments after my entries. For the longest time I felt I was writing to no one. I rarely look at the counter for visits to the blog so I never know how much gets read. It does give me encouragement to be as honest and open about myself without appearing too flawed. Thanks for letting me know you are there.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Monday morning

It's Martin Luther King Day so no work today. Yea! So I'm still up early. I feel good today.

Last night I watched football. The Giants are going to the Super Bowl... even though I'm a Jet fan I guess I am happy the Giants are in. Made my Dad happy.

I was at the bar for the early game. Left at around 7 and watched the rest of the game at home. The game ended at around 10 or so.

Before I went to bed at around 11:15 I noticed my cell phone had a text message. It was from Coleen asking where I was. it was from an hour before though. Damn. How did I miss that? Even though it was late I returned a message. I have no idea what is going on but it's something. Nice to know she is thinking about me. Things are moving way too slow but at least they are moving.

So early this morning I got another text from her. Just an answer from my last message. So I asked if she gets email.... no computer she said. Oh well... I guess we can only communicate the old fashioned way by actually talking. I don't know why she wanted to know where I was ... maybe she stopped into Gates , but she indicated that she wasn't. I guess she was bored and felt like texting. Or maybe she broke up with Mark and was looking for something new. So now I'll be thinking about this all day.

I pretty much spent all the money I have until I get paid in 2 weeks. That means I shouldn't go out next weekend. Unless I find some money. Maybe I can sell something. Or just stay in one weekend. That would be the smart thing to do. I don't need to spend any money except for that so I'll be fine.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pictures on a cold day

It may look sunny and warm but believe me it's cold down near the water. Notice the flag. Lots of wind.

The boats all look like they are fine so far.

Not a lot of action this time of year.

This is my car. 1994 Jeep Cherokee. I've enjoyed owning it so far.

It's Sunday

Here I sit on Sunday morning in front of my computer. I shouldn't complain. I manages to have a good social life. Friday night out with friends. Saturday I got calls from most everyone I care about. And yet I feel very unfulfilled. I'm sure it will pass.

Saturday morning at 9 A.M. my phone rings and I pick it up and it's Lisa. We made plans to have dinner. I had nothing else to do so it was easy to say yes. At first she said she would come my way but I tought it would be better if I went to her house. I wasn't sure what to expect. I felt as if she had made her point and we did end up having a nice quiet dinner, then went to her house and watched tv. I was on my way home by 9:30.

As I was leaving the house I got a text message on my cell... it was Coleen. I replied that she should call. We had what might have been the longest conversation we had ever had. That can be both good and bad. She was busy cooking but she had time to talk so I told her I was meeting a friend for dinner... for some reason I didn't want to tell her it was with Lisa. So we made a tentative plan to have Indian food with some of the others we know and of course her boyfriend too. That was the part the made me go south on the whole conversation. Obviously she not looking at me with an eye towards anything other than friendship. Why is it I can be a friend to anyone I choose but never more? Before I hung up I told Coleen I'd stop down at the bar on Sunday. Not sure if I'll go and I got the feeling she was not planning on it.

So Lisa and I planned to go to have dinner at a Japanese restaurant but at the last minute we decided we wanted Indiam food. So we went to Huntington and found the restaurant and enjoyed a spicy good dinner. Roberta called me while we were there. I wonder what Lisa thought about when that happened. She showed nothing. 

So here I am on Sunday morning ... not feeling lonely but yet... I really want something more. I know I could make it an issue but that just wouldn't be me. I also feel like I know the answer before I even ask the question.  

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Friday night at the bar

A typical picture of the three girls. From left to right that's Janet, Roberta and Jami.

There is me and Jami.

Last night was Friday night as usual. I met Janet, Roberta, Judy and Jami at a restaurant for Mexican food. The margarita's were really good. After dinner we headed for out favorite bar. We met Erich (w/ an 'h') who is thei really big muscle guy. He was really drunk. I only hope he got home okay. Also Sue (Bubbles) came in with George. She was also way drunk. Obviously it was a big drinking night for some people. I also enjoyed several glasses of wine. We also had a visit from Mike PC.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post I sent a text message to Coleen which didn't get a response for 3 hours .. right in the middle of dinner. 2 weeks ago she had a small accident with her car which is still not fixed. I thought she may need a ride but she has a rental. She stopped in to the bar and we had a brief conversation before she left without having a cocktail. Apparently she had been there while we were having dinner and needed to get home. Before she left I overheard part of a conversation she had with Tony about her wanting to break up with her boyfriend. I didn't hear why but what little I heard says it has nothing to do with me.

I got a phone call from Lisa this morning. We will get together later today. She didn't sound angry and there shouldn't be any drama. I think she over whatever was bothering her. I may be walking into a trap though. Stay tumed. Assume that if I don't have an entry later that things are going well.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I don't know what to think

Lisa would be really pissing me off by now if I wasn't so fed up I don't care anymore. She didn't go to her sister's last night like she planned but also had no intention of getting together with me either last night or tonight. I'm done losing sleep over it. If she would rather stay mad and have dinner with her parents on a Friday night then go ahead. I've got plenty to do.

Speaking of which, tonight's dinner plans are to eat Mexican food with Janet, Roberta, etc. Scheduled for 7. Then I don't know what? My obsessive brain keeps whispering Coleen's name but I don't know what action I should take if any. I know she doesn't have a car and probably needs a ride and she did say I should send her a text but I hesitate. She barely knows me. I feel like I should just let it go unless I see something more. But I'll probably text her after work anyway. Because I'm stupid.

Nobody knows I like Coleen except those who can just see it. I've never been good about keeping a poker face when it comes to women. Lisa has no idea though. I almost told her on the phone but it would be better if I had something more substancial to say.  

Lisa's problems with her nephew seems to have been resolved for the moment. Jason returned to Ellen's after staying one night with a friend. Of course it's a new day and I have had no work from Lisa today at all. I don't know if she is busy or just being a real bitch.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Lisa cancelled

So now we aren't having dinner at all. I'm sure it's her way of saying "fuck you" to me. She sent me a text message that she will need to be at her sister's and her parent's the next 2 nights so we can't have dinner. She has a bit of a family crisis going on so I'm going to assume that's the reason she doesn't want to still have dinner. But it definitely feels like she is trying to send a message. She said that I was replacing her as a friend and that I no longer felt she was worth having dinner with. Pretty much how I've felt since she started seeing Carmine.

To be honest I may be way off base. Her nephew Jason flipped out last night. A little background is necessary here. Lisa's older sister passed away from cancer last July. Her son Jason is 18 and still not graduated from high school. Since he could longer stay in Judy's rented house he had to move into Ellen's family. Ellen is also Lisa's sister. There are already a husband and 3 sons there. Last night Jason decided he doesn't feel wanted there and announced he was leaving for a shelter. He then got a ride to a friend's house. So he is 18, lost both his parents in the last 2 years, not in school, not working and now has no place to live. The family is freaking out.

I need to be understanding and not confrontational but I still have this little feeling that Lisa is spending time with her family more as an excuse than that she is actually needed for anything. I mean she going to spend Friday night with her parents. And do what? Sit around and talk about Jason? I don't think so. She is trying to make some kind of point.

You can bet there will be more on this. I have this feeling she wants to have some kind of fight so she can end our friendship. And you know what, if that's what she wants then fine, I'll just go. I'll hurt for a while but I'll get over it.

But for now I'll be patient. And keep my bad thoughts .. okay, suspicions... to myself.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tough times

So on top of being flat broke since Saturday our new payroll system failed and we didn't get paid on time. I got the money direct deposited into my account this morning but it was supposed to be there yesterday. So I couldn't do any errands yesterday and I still owe my landlord half the month's rent. This after we last got paid 2 Friday's ago and that was a day late, which they said was due to the holiday. I knew that was a load of crap. We changed from getting paid every Thursday to what is now on the 15th and last day of the month. That means I had to stretch my last weekly pay an extra 10 days. So I'm a little frustrated about that .

Lisa has been riding my ass all week. Seems Carmine has gone away on a vacation with out her and she wanted to get together on Friday. I initially said how about Thursday so I could hang out at the bar on Friday. So now she is ranting about how I've kicked her to the curb for my other friends and why can't I give up one night of the "same old thing" to be with her. I said I was sorry and we could go out on Friday but she won't let it go. It's as if she wants me to get mad and have some kind of big disagreement. All this is in text messages which I find very difficult to express how unreasonable I think she is being right now. Part of me really is shocked that I am that important to her. Hopefully we can find a way to work through this and still let us be friends. It has kept me awake the last 2 nights.  

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Life goes on

Saturday night started early when I joined everyone at the bar before 6 for what I thought would be just a birthday drink for Roberta. I figured I would stay for an hour or so before I would head home for dinner. I had borrowed $20 and I was hoping to use some of that to put some gas in my car so I figured I would have one or two drinks. I got back the packages I'd forgotten the night before. I ended up there until past 12 and almost got into a fight.

After I'd stayed longer than I thought and had something to eat I was about to leave at 7:30 when in walks Mike PC. We've all grown tired of his act and really wished he would go away. So after an hour he did. But right after he left this guy and this girl come in and start playing on the pool table right in our area. We didn't pay much attention except they kept getting in the way.

After they finished playing the girl goes down near the other side of the bar but the guy comes over to us and asks us to all chip in for money for the jukebox. What he really wanted was to meet Janet and Roberta. I never know how to handle these situations because I knew this guy was an asshole, but there is always a chance that maybe Janet of Roberta want to meet this guy. But as I expected they really didn't. He asked Janet her phone number before he even knew her name ... which Janet wouldn't give him either of. What kind of guy tries to meet people by asking them for money for the jukebox? Doesn't offer to buy then a drink even? So I stood back and waited. This guy was getting no encouragement from anyone in our group but he still wasn't leaving. Roberta even said to him "you are here with a woman and you are hitting on us? That's not cool." He said "but I'm not in love".

So I knew he wasn't taking any hints and he really was pissing me off. I was sitting with Jami keeping an eye out along with other friends Tony and Judy. Meanwhile the guy's girlfriend is talking to Andy at the other end of the bar. Andy is in the bar a lot but is a little creepy and some say may even be gay. At one point they put their coats on and left. They returned after a few minutes. They could have gone out for a smoke but more likely there were drugs involved. Meanwhile this guy is getting louder and more obnoxious. Roberta must have said something to the bartended because he offer to buy this guy a drink on the house of he would just move down to the other end of the bar. He would have no part of it. I was still keeping my eyes on things from a distance but then Tony came over and said things were getting tense. So I walked over to stand behind Roberta and Judy. I could this guy was getting frustrated and wanted a confrontation. Judy told he to go and so did Roberta and he looked like he might raise his hand to Roberta so I immediately stepped in and said "now you need to go away that we had had enough". He just said "fuck you and what are you going to do about it". I just told him he needs to move now. Of course I said it really loud and was only seconds away for going at it. The 2 bartenders came right in and got between me and him and told him he needed to go. Roberta and Janet pushed me away but if he even tried to do anything I was ready. I could feel my blood boiling... and I never get this way.

After this guy absolutely refused to leave and even picked up a beer bottle the police came in and tool him outside. That was the last we saw of him but the girlfriend was still there. During the time when he was escorted out she stayed away and never even went outside. After about 10 minutes when things calmed down she sidles over and asks Roberta what she did to her "friend" and who called the cops. Roberta, not one to back down told her she needed to go and see what happened to her friend and get away. She left after she realized we weren't taking any more crap from anyone.

Quite a night. We all waited about a half hour before we all left together. Everyone got home safe. We still don't know what happened to the jerk and his girlfriend.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Happy Saturday morning... sort of

The good news is Friday night at the bar started slow and built into a much better time than I expected. The bad news is I pretty much spent all my money for the weekend and there could be so much more I could do. And I probably have just enough gas in the car to make it back and forth one more time.

I headed out early last night and had a drink in my hand by 6:15. I would have been there even sooner but I had let the cat out and he went for a one hour stroll around the neighborhood. When I arrived it was just didn't really know that well. I knew Janet, Judy and Roberta would be along soon. I wasn't sure if Coleen would be out or whether she was spending the evening out with Mark, the boyfriend. More on that later.

So we sat down for dinner and finally exchanged Christmas presents... that's right... January 11th we had out Christmas. And guess what... I was given wine goblets, a bottle of wine, and some other nice things and I left them at the bar. I pray they are still there somewhere. I should have put them in the car. Stupid.

I guess I got distracted. Coleen showed up and it turns out she needed a ride because early last week she had a fender bender with her car. She wanted to know why I didn't send her a text message. I guess that means she does like me. I definately gave her more attention than I had before. Still never got the chance to talk to her alone. Before the end of the night she asked if I would be coming out on Saturday night. Damn, I need some money!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

About last night

Had a nice dinner with Lisa last night. My chicken breasts came out good. We enjoyed a bottle of wine, talked and relaxed listening to jazz. She left at 9:30. We talked about a lot of the things I've been putting in here. It was good to get her thoughts on things.

Her boyfriend Carmine will be away for 3 weeks. My feelings are mixed about that. She'll want to spend time with me but I don't know if I want to. I'm just getting used to her not being around and I don't want to keep getting  attached especially since she is looking more and more like she is going to have a future with Carmine. I won't see her Friday night. That's my night at Gates Bar and I'm not giving that up.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Happy happy hump day


I'm making dinner tonight for Lisa. She hasn't been here since the beginning of October so it will be fun so have company. I'm making chicken. I'm a better than average cook, so that's the easy part. I haven't done any real cleaning here since she left so I'll need to spend what ever free time I can doing housework. Especially the kitchen and bathroom.


Like the idiot I am I sent an email to Olga thanking her for the mix Cd she made and gave me for Christmas. I only hope she ignores it and saves me from myself. This has to be one of those co-dependent tendencies that i just can't shake off. Reaching out to someone just because they used to seem so needy. The picture is from a long time ago before she was fired. She always had the neatest cubicle mostly because she never did any work.

I spoke to Janet on the phone last night. Among the things we discussed was Chris (that's him in the picture with his arm around Coleen). He called her and asked her out to a movie or dinner. She said she at first told him she was too busy. Then she told him she really wasn't interested in dating anyone. Pretty much the same things she said to me more than 3 years ago. So i kind of know how he must feel right now and Janet is pretty good about how she handles those things.

But after our discussion ended I got to thinking about it. Why is she a ble to dismiss anyone who shows an interest in her and yet someone like Bunky she finds irresistable. Here is a picture of Janet and Bunky....

Monday, January 7, 2008

I got the Monday blues

It's real quiet today. Just like the weekend was. So I can blog about nothing today. Sometimes those are my best blogs.

I have yet to see Lisa since the start of the New Year. We still chat online though. It seems like everytime we do chat she's got Carmine there. I don't believe they've moved in together yet, but that's a reality that will soon come. I try to be fine with that but I do find it easier to just stay at a distance. This feels very much like how I've gotten close to other girls and made the mistake of feeling like I would always maintain a friendship, but as soon as they get involved with someone I become like yesterday's old newspaper.

So I still have all my other friends. But I do get lonely all the time. I missed not having anyone to hang out with last weekend. I did have a couple of conversations with Roberta. She was laying low like I was. It just seems like she wants to have a closer relationship with me but nothing romantic. It used to be frustrating but now I've settled into things being how ther are with both her and Janet. Sometimes I need to have faith that God has a better plan. I had my iPod on shuffle this morning and Garth's song Unanswered Prayers came on. I guess I needed to hear that.

I wish I didn't get so obsessive about who I like. I keep having thoughts of Coleen and I can't understand why. I build up these relationships in my mind that just have no expectations for ever being romantic. I was having this internal argument all weekend about going out in the hopes that I would see her. I had made up my mind that I have to make an effort to not do that. It's not working. While I had my chance to ask her some real questions I just chatted about fluff. I could had real one-on-one face time with her but instead I needed to bounce around talking to everyone. Will it be better over time? I doubt it. 

Friday night I was talking to Chris... a guy who apparently also likes Coleen. He was saying how he tried dating her before she was serious about her boyfriend Mark, and now he happy as her friend to the point where he joins them for dinner quite a bit. I missed that before but now that I take a second look I realize that Coleen isn't giving me special attention, she's just like that. So I'm just trying no to get any expectaions but it's hard. And lonely.

I also find myself wondering about Olga and why she sent me a CD of music for Christmas. I have this urge to respond. I'm just afraid to have her back into my life. She is so unstable I can't imagine anything but bad things will result. But I do wish I could see her again. But again, I'm just lonely.  

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Still just me

Went to have dinner with the gang last night. On the plus side; it was a lot of fun and the meal was excellent. I also go to spend a little time talking to Coleen. On the negative side; I think I'm not going anywhere with Coleen anytime soon. While she seemed really glad to see me and I did talk to her more than anyone else on the evening. she also mentions her boyfriend in every other sentence and she looks like she is really happy in her relationship. She also left really early. I guess I wasn't interesting enough for her to stay. No sparks. 

So the rest of my weekend should be quiet. I'll probably be home.  

Thursday, January 3, 2008

It's a quiet week so far

As I get farther into the week I keep wondering if this year will be different or more of the same. There are changes from last year no doubt. This time last year I was still wondering if Lisa would ever be an option, and still hoping I could somehow find love in the eyes of Janet or Roberta. Now I don't even give that a thought. Not even Lisa gives me pause. Unless someone starts looking at me different I'm just enjoying the bonds of friendship from wherever that comes from.

At least I don't feel unlovable. From what I'm told Jami likes me that way, but she's just not what I think I want. I guess I'll know it when I see it but for now I'm keeping my distance. And, of course, Coleen is Jami's close friend.

I returned to the office on Wednesday and someone left me a homemade music CD and a note without a name. It perplexed me all morning where it could have come from. Songs I'd never heard of with provocative titles. One was called "The Itch". Finally just before lunch someone came by and told me it was from Olga - who was fired from here 5 years ago. We also saw each other for a while after that and we even slept together once. We didn't have sex though mostly because I got too drunk. Not that we didn't try. Since then she became mean and I stopped talking to her. I haven't seen her in 4 years and only spoke to her once in the last 2 and she hung up on me. Why would she be sending me a present? I won't call her. But still... this little voice says I should do something.

Anyways ... more pictures...


I had a dance with Jami. She sticks her tongue out.

Janet, Roberta and Jami

I don't know who this is but she was asking Roberta about me. Of course Roberta doesn't mention that until the next day. I didn't even talk to her. I thought she was there with a date.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The somewhat complete story of New Years

So it's the end of the first day of 2008. It's off to a good start. We will wait and see what the coming days bring but I do feel very optimistic. I didn't want to get myself too excited about going out last night but I definately was looking forward more than usual. While was going to really enjoy seeing my friends I also was hoping to see Coleen again so what a surprise it was when my cell phone beeped with a text message at about 7 o'clock and it was from her. She just said happy new year but it meant I must be on her mind. I sent a message saying I was on the way to the bar we hang out in.

She came in about 20 minutes after I got there and she was dragging her boyfriend behind her. Coleen's boyfriend seems to keep some distance from her whenever they come around. Can't get much sense from that but I figured my place is to stay away and watch my step. So I sipped my wine and mixed with everone. I was having a good time.

The band came in and started to set up and we could tell they were going to be loud. They kept bringing in bigger and bigger speakers. When the music started Coleen and I spontainiously started to dance...


She was having as much fun as I was. Roberta grabbing my camera and was snapping pictures. It's really hard to tell how cute she is from the pictures that she took. We danced a lot but Coleen and Mark ... her boyfriend left after the first set. I prefer not to think about why. Only that the best part of the night was spent dancing with her and I'm looking forward to the next time.

There is more but it may be I'm letting my imagination get the best of me.

New Years Eve party pictures

Hey ... something going on here..... danced with Coleen on New Years. She was there with Mark... I'm going to call him "the old boyfriend".

Anyway ... pictures are here. They really aren't  great but I'm definately "in like". She was totally flirting with me all night. Oh and also ... left me a text message before I'd even left the house.