Monday, June 5, 2006

Weekend stuff

Was out on Friday night, home all day Saturday ( it rained) and was on the boat Sunday although never left the dock.

I had a phone conversation with Brenda, the ex-wife. Seems that our wedding anniversary was yesterday. 17 years ago. Wow.. that is a big number. We just talked briefly.

Janet and Roberta came down to the boat and we ended up drinking lots of wine.

Friday, June 2, 2006

I've been gone a while.

My last 2 months have been eventful. I am just back from 2 weeks with my dad on his boat. Check some of the pictures. We had a grounding and then a tranny went. But we got over 800 miles and will finish the last 600 in July.

Lisa moved to Sedona, AZ. I miss her terribly. She calls me a lot so she misses me too. Before she left we talked about our relationship and she told me how she really cares for me but she can't get past the fact that she doesn't feel any attraction. She said she feels guilt about it. Whatever that means. I don't think I'll ever know what real love is but she will be as close as I'll ever get.

It's very difficult to write this anymore. I'm going to keep trying but I don't see anything really happening worth writing about.

Friday, March 10, 2006

As if

Don't know what I'm doing. I'm a little unsure of myself right now. It's Friday and I am having dinner with Lee and her friends. I'm already looking forward to being done with it and getting on the train. Spoke to Janet and she will be having drinks in Westbury. We both anticipate going to Stangos later. Then tomorrow we will have dinner with Roberta and Judy and anyone else who might decide to be there. Sunday there is a wake for someone I know from the beach in Glen Cove. Janet will be there too. Janet, Janet, Janet. Is it possible to spend too much time with someone who probably is only interested in friendship?

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Facing my life a little each day

Plans get made. Thank God I have friends. Losing my closest friend has left me scared but also reassured that I am not alone. All my friends have been there for me and I cannot say enough for how that makes me feel.

I have not been intimate with someone in so long it barely even in my memory, but the people that I call friends are all so caring I should never feel unloved. Especially Lisa. She held me while I cried, calls me almost every day or emails me just to make sure I'm good. I know this will be temporary but it makes me fall more and more in love with her . I can't see how I will ever have a love for someone else like I feel about her. When my life ends and flashes before my eyes she will be the star.

I'm also getting a little closer to Janet all the time. She has been including me in her plans and we are in contact most every day. When I've called her the last few weeks we talk much longer than I would expect. I want to tell her how much I'm attracted to her but I can't seem to find the words. My heart is telling me something that my head says it can never have.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Last weekend

I got out last Friday and spent some time with Janet at the Italian restaurant we like. I enjoyed her attention. She gave me a nice hello and we talked more than we had in a long time. It was just a nice relaxing evening. First fun I'd had since Joe died.

On Monday morning Janet sent me an email with some old pictures of herself from years ago. The oldest was from the 60s!

Friday, March 3, 2006

My best friend died last week

That's right. My friend Joe died suddenly on February 20th, 2006. I am feeling very lost and alone. I last saw him the night before which was a Sunday. Since I was off for Presidents' Day and he had to work I told him I would call him at his office and said good night at 10:00 PM. At 9 the next morning Tracy from his office called and said that the whole office was saying that Joe's family had called to say her had died. I was in disbelief so I immediately got into my car and went to his house where I saw his oldest son Michael who told me he died in his sleep over night.

I was in shock. I've spent the last 2 weeks morning his loss. I've never felt such grief. How could he just be gone. I can't believe I won't hear the sound of his voice again when I keep hearing it in my head. This is more sadness than I have ever felt.

I never buried a friend before. At least not someone who I could say was a close friend. We knew each other for 8 years. Not a day went by where we didn't talk. I feel so bad ... like I need to tell him something but he's not there anymore. During his wake I cried uncontrollably.   

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


I had a very quiet Valentines. Sent no flowers and received no cards. I touch no one and no one touches me.... I am a rock - I am an island.... (Paul Simon song).

So I am a little sad but I also realize I am better off than I would be if I was with the wrong person. I did get a phone call from Lisa as she was arriving back at her house. She told me she got something and said she would call back but never did. Don't know who gave her a gift. Wanted to know at first but now trying to just put it out of my head and move on.

I did really have an urge to reach out to Janet but when I sent her an email all she had to say was she had a busy day. So my sense of no romance between us is still all I feel. So I left her alone and that made me feel even more alone. No one that I could even call. So now it's Wednesday night and I should be over it. You would think.  

Snow and Lisa's birthday

The huge snow prevented Lisa from celebrating her birthday on Sunday. Her birthday was actually Monday but since her only day off was Sunday a dinner at her sister's house was scheduled and I was invited. But with more than 20 inches of snow on the ground and still more coming there was no chance on having it. So her birthday came and went as did Valentines Day and I now haven't seen Lisa in about a month. We still have short chats on the phone while she drives home from work. Last night she called as she got home to tell me there was a ticket on her old car that is parked in the street without plates. Because she hasn't put a 4sale sign on it, the car is just going to sit. I have a feeling the sale will fall to me. I am really starting to feel a little used.

I hate to always be in second place but now I almost feel like an afterthought. Her yoga center has her tied up every single day now. She takes trips to meetings that seem to only be designed to keep her from having any social life at all. I have been doing a little research and I have read a considerable about of negative stories about Dahn yoga. I'd been looking at it as just unsatisfied former customers but a few weeks ago I saw a news story on Channel 2 that gives much more credibility to all the complaints about the organization being a cult. I would love to discuss it with Lisa but she is always at work in the center. Should I voice my concerns or should I just maintain a supportive attitude and hope that she becomes aware of where she is headed? I was tempted to talk to her sister about it but I'm a little afraid to put my nose where it isn't wanted.

I guess I'll wait.  

No Lament

I've been staying away for a while trying to decide what in my life is worth writing about. I don't think I can keep writing the same story over and over. But I went back amd re-read some of my entries from last year and I realize I have made slight progress so I am back, although for now my entries will be less frequent.

Stayed home last Friday in anticipation that Saturday will be eventful. The plan was that I would attend Janet's daughter's graduation party at a hall with about 50 of her family and some friends but mostly her kids friends. It was to start at 4 o'clock so we had talked about going to here some music afterwards. Mother Nature threw us a curve with a snow storm the really didn't hit until late in the evening. So Janet's party went off without any problems but there was no going out after.

At the party I got to meet Janet's dad, Larry who is divorced and remarried and many other family members who all seemed to know who I was. Her sis-in-law Teresa was especially interested in talking to me. I guess she mentions me in family circles ... something I also do. Everyone in my family knows we are spending time together. I suppose they are wondering if this as going anywhere but maybe that just me putting my own hopes into peoples minds. I did get a sense of welcome from Janet's family. Janet had so many people there I almost didn't expect we would talk much but she did seem to be keeping an eye out for me and we shared a table when we sat for some food. I stayed to the end and helped clean. At the end there was her ex Mark, her daughter Ally, her son Spencer, and her mom Doreen. It was past 10 and the snow had started so I headed home. No real big goodbye.

Monday, February 6, 2006

I want to quit

Advice from my haircut girl, Loni "Be agressive, girls like a guy who takes charge." And what do I do ... I am as passive as ever. I almost afraid to put this in here even though I am the only one who looks at this. But this is what played out last Friday. Gary who is much more assertive than me gives Janet a shoulder rub in the bar. She loved it. It made me crazy jealous. I just assumed he had the edge and I took the first opportunity to head for the door like the beaten man that I am. I just didn't want to be there when they started getting really close... AND THIS IS NOT THE REALLY STUPID PART! 

Fast forward to the next day ... we were all planning on a group dinner in Bayville. There would have been 5 or 6 of us so I wasn't really caring if I went or not. Turned out Gary didn't want to go.... an odd turn of events. Not only that but nobody else could go except me and Janet. Yes - that's right... I had Janet alone all to myself for dinner on Saturday night. You know what I did .... I picked up the check, and got a peck on the cheek when I dropped her at home. Why can't I make any moves?

Some one make a comment and tell me how big a butthead I must be.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Back from Florida

Just back from trip to Florida. No time for a full story but here is the family picture taken at my Mom's 70th birthday party.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Friday stuff

Got a phone call from Janet last night that I missed. She wants to plan tonight. I know I need to get up early for my flight out on Saturday and my little voice says stay home but I'm still considering going.

I had lunch with Mariana today. She is the nicest, sweetest girl. But, she is married. I've known her for the longest time and when she was single she wouldn't go out on a date so of course I tell myself just to relax. But I really like her alot. She is one of those girls that just get me every time I see them.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Maybe a new direction

I might take this journal in a new direction. I am tired of obsessing on my failures and defficeincies. I want to find another way for me to write and not focus on what I can't have. I just don't know what that might be. My interactions with people have been limited. Last Friday night I joined Janet and Roberta for drinks at the usual Friday night place. It was fun but there were moments where I wanted to be somewhere - anywhere else. I wanted to here some music but nothing was there. So when I left it was good night to Janet knowing I wouldn't speak to her for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday night I was comfortably home with no plans to go anywhere. At 10 o'clock Lisa called. She was out with her friend Paul. I don't know who that is but she didn't stay out with him as she was calling me out for a drink. I just went to her house ... she got hungry and we made a trip to Taco Bell's. We sat and drank wine. Didn't really talk much. I went home at one.

So I need to take things in a new direction. I may think on that for a day or two.  I'm considering talking about whatever music is in my head. Last Thursday I went to buy the new Johnny Cash Greatest Hits cd and of course bought 4 other cd's while I was at it. I got the new Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young and Leann Rimes. I also got a dico compilation cd. Tried to listen to them over the weekend but so far only Johnny and Neil made it to my cd player.

Friday, January 20, 2006

As time goes by

Not much is new. Last weekend I saw Janet on Friday night and Saturday night. Friday night she called me and on Saturday night I called her. When she called me I was having happy hour in New York with Tracy, Joe, Tracy's brother Brian and her friend Mike. I shut my cell phone off and since we were only to be out until about 7 I didn't see any reason to keep it on. I didn't expect to hear from anyone. Joe had a car so when we finally were heading out of the City I heard her message. I played very hard to get... I told her I'd be there by nine. We met at the regular Friday night place... the Italian Restaurant bar.

So I got there and Janet was keeping company with some guys I was familiar with but didn't know. I had something to eat and got comfortable. After about an hour I had a one-on-one chat with Janet. She asked me about Lisa ... she thinks Lisa should be my girlfriend. I told her about Lisa's married boyfriend. Janet told me, "I have one of those." Great, another girl with a dirty little secret. She said they really only just get together for sex. T-M-I. We moved on to other topics and even went to another place later and had a pretty good time. But it really reinforced my feeling that I am just replicating Lisa in Janet. They both seem to want me around as a friend only even though they both know I would really like to have something more.

So what do I do on Saturday night? I call Janet out for drinks. Well.... she did come out even though she was happy just being home.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Mid week

Been unable to come up with anything good to say. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Monday. So bad that I couldn't get to sleep and stayed up until 2. Still got up and went to work but I was real tired. Wouldn't you know the work that day was chaos. By the middle of the day I was just angry at every one. I got an email from Lisa and I just went off on her not being able to talk to me as much because of her new job. She stopped by Tuesday night and we chatted over some wine. I felt less lonely and when she left I had the best night's sleep in more than a month.

Also heard from Janet on Tuesday although only in an email. Don't know what's up there except I don't look at it the same way. Just something to do with no more thoughts of trying to work out a date or anything.

Dealing with the fact that I am truly going through this life alone is hard. I never want to give up but I think it's what my future is. I find it hard to imagine anyone ever falling for me.

My focus lately has been on maing it to spring. Only 86 more days until I can consider it safe to go sailing. I am really looking forward to this summer. My last summer in my "40's". I want to plan a cruise on the boat but no one to cruise with. At least no one I want to cruise with. So I dream and pray for something good.

Monday, January 9, 2006

I can't believe how alone I feel

Been at this blog thing for months and the only thing that's changed is I can write a little better. My status hasn't changed with any one. A quick review.

Lisa and I had one all too brief moment. After that she stayed away from me for 10 days and was more than a little freaked out for over a month. Eventually we settled back into our regular routine. I'll probably never get up the nerve to seduce her again. I'll never stop wanting her.

Janet has repeated to me her desire to stay friends and although I see her more and more there has never been even a hint of romance between us. When I started this journal I hadn't seen her for months and I was amazed how I saw more of her as time went on. She was including me in so much of her life. Her kids seem to like me when I'm around. But our routine has pretty much settled in to being friends and when I've tried to talk about it I either stumble and fall of she bolts.

Tracy was a possibility but thing stalled when she had her knee operated on and there were complications that have kept us apart since then. I've been warned by my friend Joe that Tracy is more nuerotic than most I would be best served keeping my distance. I do think she is fun but so far I've taken his advice.

Carolyn is probably the only one I was actually close to have a sex with since I started this. She seemed to be very attracted to me and we were getting very touchy feely the one time I was on the boat with her. Her revealing that she in fact wasn't seperated but still married was a deal breaker so I stopped before things got too complex. I see her just wanting a fling. I'll see what happens in the Spring. Maybe she will have changed her situation.

Ami is someone who I really like but my shyness has definately kept me from doing anything. That and money. I am so attracted to her and I felt her checking me out a little when we last went for drinks with Steve and his friends. I told Steve I liked her and he told me she is involved with someone so I never called. I wonder if he just doesn't want me to see her for some reason. He always comes on very strong to her even though it's harmless fun. I don't feel confident enough to call her even though I have her number.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Is this it?

I've been home all weekend. I've been home every night since New Years as a matter of fact. I don't want to go anywhere. That's not really true. I've been fighting the urge to call Janet. But I can't. I want a girlfriend and she's is never going to be that. I still like her friendship and I know I'll get back to that but I need to take a break. I'll take that one week at a time. Problem is that leaves me a little lost.

Joe had a party scheduled for Saturday so I thought I could stay in on Friday night for a change. I had Saturday plans so why go out on Friday. Joe's party got cancelled so I end up doing nothing. Spent Sunday at home watching football.

Lisa was working all weekend.... we did have a couple of phone conversations. Her job leaves her no time for anything else. It almost seems as though they do this to her by design. The yoga center brings her much joy and she really is doing what she wants there but they do seem to have many "cult" like elements. It's a job that ties her up from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep at least 6 days a week. Sunday is her only day off and this weekend she had a "master" breakfast which took until 2 in the afternoon. Then she went to a family function. She called to complain that she can't get her laundry done. I told her that it's her schedule and she can change it if she wants. She said it's not that simple. Right. She is giving all power to the Dahn Center people. It's almost as bad as my ex-wife relationship with a fortune teller. She calls me during the week but it's always on the sly. Like she is cheating by making a personal call.

Lisa bought a new used car last week and on Wednesday night I gave her a ride to pick it up. On the way there she got a cell phone call from one of her "men". I didn't ask who it was but it could only be either Tom or Powell. Both are married. Lisa didn't give me a clue as to who it was but she said goodbye by saying "I love you". I decided not to even ask. But it made me feel bad. The only way she can have a relationship is with someone who already has a wife. I have no idea when she sees these guys if ever.

So in the last ten days or so I've been thinking how I can't make anything happen with any women I have in my life. I keep looking forward to summer and how I want to take a trip on the boat. The only one I would want to be with for that kind of trip is Lisa but she won't do it. At least she might go for an overnight which is more than I think Janet would ever do. No one would ever do the kind on over night I really want.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

More on New Years

Posted some pictures I took during New Years Eve. I have stories to tell.

So I was there with Janet. I went to her house and we drove to the party together in my car. It felt like a date. I was thrilled.

The first picture is of Janet and Sharon. Sharon is younger.... I'll guess 20 something. She makes and sells her own jewelry. I first met her at the Zen Tricksters show at Morgans Beach. She looked and talked like every "Deadhead" I'd ever met. I've been infatuated by her ever since. As always she came to New Years looking like something right out of Woodstock. She still doesn't even know my name.

Then there is a picture of Heather. I started shatting with her and we got into this deep conversation about her career and music and age. She told me she was 24 and I knew I was way too old to be spending time chatting with her. But I did think she was cute and our conversation was amazing. What really surprised me was she was constantly around me. She came with a date but he must have been ignoring her. We were talking and I noticed that the food buffet had started and I excused myself to get some food. I found Janet and Sue eating at a table and sat down and joined them and then Heather came a sat with us too. So here I was next to what I was hoping was my date, Janet, and this new girl, Heather was on my other side. She obviously wanted to continue our talk but I wanted to spend time with Janet.

Looking back I wish I had gone more with that. Once again I'm never prepared for what happens. I keep thinking that 24 is just not an age I can relate to but I am hoping to meet her again.   

Then there is Sue B. She gave me her email address because I took a picture of her boyfriend passed out at a table in the back. Obviously he over celebrated. His friend wasn't doing so well either. So I promised to send her a picture of it and I also took a picture of her with another guy. Later I look and I see her near the door with the other guy making out. So the passed out guy misses his girl sucking face. I guess he got what he deserved. Of course she isn't the best girl friend. Last I saw Sue's new friend had left and she was doing her best to get passed out guy into a cab. So she's not all bad.

Midnight came and Janet gave me a "friendly" kiss on the side of my face. Nothing romantic in any way. We stayed until last call and around 2 o'clock I grabbed our coats and we headed for home in my car. We got to her driveway and I shut off the car but I knew I wasn't getting in. I think she had her door open before I'd even stopped. I said I'd call her tomorrow and she said a quick goodnight and sent me on my way.

I had fun. I met some nice people. I'm not sad or disappointed. But I do feel as lonely as ever. I called Janet the next day and tried to ask her out but she said she couldn't do it. By then I'd pretty much expected that. I'll have to satisfied as friends.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

2006 - new year, old story.

My New Year's Eve had some expectations but as always I didn't really get any satisfaction. I'm not really complaining as I knew what I was doing was probably out of reach. But when I got to Janet's house my impression was that we were a group of 4 going to a party. Instead I got there and it was just Janet and I. My brain started to pop and click and like the idiot that I am I was looking to make this into something more intimate than it really was.