Monday, January 31, 2011

Regrets but no apologies.

I'm going to try and dash this off before work starts. It was not my best weekend. I may have gone too far and trashed some friendships. It just seemed like I needed to say some things and since I didn't start the conversation I just went with it.
In order for this to make sense I need to back up a bit. Friday night I went out to the bar and even though Coleen said she was leaving early I had hoped she would be there. But I was there a little after 6 and she had just left. Oh well, I settled in for a night with friends and would not be out late so I could get to the gym early on Saturday. I had plans to see Lisa for coffee so I knew it would be an early night. Well, Janet rolled on a little after 9 and it was good to see her since I'd not seen or talked to her the weekend before. We made a plan to meet Roberta and have dinner Saturday. This was good since Coleen wasn't around I figured her to be a no-show for the weekend. She did mention how she missed me the last weekend but she had heard that I was out having fun with Coleen. I just let it go.
Saturday while at the gym Lisa texted me that she couldn't make it to Starbucks for coffee be we could do something later. I left a message that I'd be home all day. Or so I thought. At 12:30 I go a text. It was Coleen. We decided to meet for a drink... coffee but at the bar. Well... the coffee was gone and we switched to wine. She had just picked up the ashes from her dog. So she was crying a little about that and then she told me the story of how the box had the incorrect name on it and she wanted to be sure she really had the right dog. I tried to be supportive but I think she has a right to be upset. Probably the only thing about the process is the assurance you have about how they handled the remains of her beloved pet.
While in the middle of the story my phone rings and it's Lisa who was around the corner at my house. I told her where I was and she said she would be right there. She was there in 5 minutes. It was a very surreal moment. The 2 girls that I've spent the last 10 plus years obsessing over were sitting with me in an empty bar having drinks. Lisa recently got engaged so she showed us the ring. Coleen thinks very little of her choice of men which I find so ironic.
Fantasy: both Coleen and Lisa fighting over me. Reality: they both would prefer the other one get me. Once more I am left somewhat cold and alone.
Anyway Coleen didn't stay very long and said she had plans to see Tommy for dinner so I knew I was free to go out with Janet later. She did say I should call but I didn't. That left me and Lisa to hang out a while. She needed to go see her dad later so we just got a little caught up on things and I went home.
I only had about an hour before meeting up with the other 2 girls. I was picking them up in town and we would all go to the restaurant in my car. The plan was to go to a bar in town after so they had their cars there. Dinner was basic. No real drama occurred until after dinner when Roberta started in about my spending time Coleen the week before and not calling Janet. She was asking why I waste me time with someone who has not real interest in me. I had to admit that she was right but I also said it is what it is and I'm fine with it. It's not what I want but I still like her. Then she said somethings about her that just got my blood to boil ... calling her trailer park trash and how she has been with half of the town. She was all about how I never called Janet the week before. It then occurred to me that they had been talking about me. So I decided to turn the table a little bit. I said it's not like they have dates and are trying to find significant others. I was getting so upset I am having trouble remembering exactly what I said but somehow I mentioned that I knew about Janet and Bunky's little thing and Roberta's little secret booty calls and who are they to judge me.
Yes, I struggle and yes, I make some questionable decisions but don't come out to dinner with me once a month and pretend you are there for me more so then the people I have been hanging out with. That is was I wanted to say but I'm pretty just it came out different.
And I wasn't done either .... we did calm down enough to finish our drinks and Janet was probably not in the best shape to drive. Roberta asked me to check on how she does getting home. I said I would even though I really just wanted to go home and cry a little. I was upset but I didn't want them to know. So I drove toward her house and parked and saw her go in her driveway. Roberta drove by first and said thanks and I decided I needed one last word so I followed Roberta home and told Roberta how much I like Janet and I would love to be her guy but I know her feelings for me are not there. She said she doesn't know how Janet feels... I said she didn't have any trouble letting Bunky know and with that I left.
Was awake most of the night after that. I sat at home alone most of the day regretting the whole thing but also not willing to apologize for anything. I'm pretty sure I've trashed our friendship. I may just sit at home for the month of February and let everything stew.
It's been a while since I've gotten a comment. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm in a cold dark place

Somewhere under that snow is a car. My car. I'll bet you can't even tell what kind of car that is. It was a job getting all the snow off of it. But it's done now.
I had dinner with Maryliz, Kenny and their friend Jack last night. I made a big tray of ziti and brought it over and everyone enjoyed it. Maryliz told me Kenny gets his last treatment next week and then we will see if it was successful. Meanwhile he keeps losing weight so it will be good if he can gain back some of the pounds he's lost. I was planning to cook again next week but my sister told me it would be better if I didn't but that I should plan things for later in the year.
While I was at my sister's house I received a text on the cell from Coleen. We couldn't say too much but her last message was that she is still very sad over the loss of Samson, her dog. I can understand ... it's just been a week today. I wanted to say some more but felt I needed to pay attention to the people I was with.
It is also my mom's birthday today. I gave her a call. She is 75. She celebrated yesterday by going sky diving of all things. She said she will send a picture but I don't know if she has mastered the are of attaching pictures to email.
I was thinking about Lisa a lot yesterday. I knew she is dealing with the death of her fiance's mother. Seems there will be no funeral or wake. Maybe just a memorial sometime in the spring. I guess it's handled.
When I got home from dinner it wasn't very late so I called Janet so I could just tell her about the death. We hadn't really spoken in a while and I got a feeling she is not so pleased with me lately. I guess I'm spending too much time around Coleen and I am getting this somewhat disapproving tone. She needs to either step up or step off. Still I said I'd see her tonight. And I am going to try to do that. There is just one thing though. I really want to see Coleen. Why do I feel so addicted to her? I have this ominous feeling that something different is about to happen. It was something Jimmy said. I know Coleen talks to Jimmy as much as I do and maybe even more. He pulled me aside the other day and said she is looking at me different than I think. I just keep going back to when she decided she needed to go to Dean's house. And Dean doesn't even really like her. I don't want to go through that again. I have this feeling that's coming. I hate these feelings.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Snow Day

We got a little snow last night. The predicted 3 to 5 inches turned into more than a foot. So there is not going to work today.
This is the picture from the front of my house. The trains are running but I can't figure out if they are on any kind of schedule. Lucky me. I get to work from home. I signed on at 8 AM and see most everyone is out of the office today. I have my phone working and email is up so I am on the case.
Not sure what the rest of my day will be. I am scheduled for dinner with my sister's family... a dinner I prepared. Last night I put together my homemade sauce with my ziti and put it into a pan ready to go into the oven. Since I was scheduled to be working in the office I needed my sister to pick it up so it could go into the oven and be ready by a reasonable time. She forgot to stop by so it is in my refrigerator and now since I am home I can get there and start it so in that way the snow is working out well for me.
Yesterday while at work I was shocked to get a call to my cell from Coleen. It was her work number and not her cell. I was about to start a meeting so I picked up and told her I would call her right back. I called after the meeting and was glad to talk to her so I could say thank you for the dinner the night before. The first thing she said was that her phone had fallen into the sink and gotten wet. So it would be off until she was sure it was dry. I sent her a text later at night and it seems the phone is fine.
So I wanted to ask her things but she replied with just a "good night" which means she didn't really want to talk. She was supposed to see Tommy so I suspect she spent her evening with him. I know I should get myself thinking that way but maybe it's better if I do so I won't get give myself hopes.
So today I will let things kind of just be. No messages or calls and if I hear from anyone they can sent me something.
Lisa called me last night too. She told me her boyfriend's mom died. She says this to me in a whisper, like she is afraid someone will hear. As expected Carmine is upset, but not for reasons you might expect. I guess I should give some background.
Carmine's mom suffered from dementia and was put into a hospital about 18 months ago. There were times she needed to be restrained. To protect the family home Carmine and Lisa lived there. Carmine has some sisters who live out of state so he was really the only option. He would visit his mom maybe once a month.
Since she was being taken care of I guess they just trusted the facility and when a call came saying the mom was taken to the Emergency Room they didn't seem to know too many details.
So here is the kicker ... seems she died last Saturday and no one called until some point Wednesday and that was a voice message buy someone at the hospital asking if that can arrange for body pick-up. Yeah ... and have a nice day. They really said that.
So Carmine was sitting in his office trying to understand what happened and not really talking to Lisa. The sisters said they would not attend any services until spring because they can't be expected to travel in winter. I just listened and told her if there's anything she needs I would be there.
After she hung up I wanted to call someone but just couldn't think who really would want to listen. I considered Janet of Roberta, but they have been so distant this week I decided not to bother. I'll tell them at some point today. I wonder if they tried to get into work.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dinner story.

Dinner at Coleen's house was fun. Her parents, especially her mom, were more friendly than I'd ever seen them. Her mom is on medication for depression, but there was no hint of it at all. She was asking me about my job, and telling me stories about how she grew up.
There were some emotional moments as Coleen is still feeling sad that her dog had to be put to sleep only last Friday. But I enjoyed myself. Things worked out really well. We met at the bar first and I pulled up just as she did so we went in together. We thought we would be in and out but we actually stayed more than an hour. I was feeling really special. I know not to put too much into things but it felt like I was getting a lot of attention and I went with it.
By the time dinner was finished and the dishes were washed it was already close to 9 pm so I didn't really have any after dinner things. Coleen smokes so we stood outside for a but as she finished her cigarette and with that I said goodnight.
I was home by about 9:30 and I had a pot of tomato sauce cooking on the stove. I'll need to explain about that later. It wasn't long before I went to sleep. This morning I felt I needed to follow up with something so I called her office phone and left her a voicemail thanking her for a great dinner.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dinner plans

I went to the gym last night and did a real good workout. Then I was driving by the bar and even though I had no money, no credit cards, and even left my cell phone home I stopped in. Coleen was there, so was Jimmy. I had left my favorite pair of gloves in Coleen's car so I went in expecting to just get those and head home. Then Jimmy bought me a beer, Coleen bought dinner and gave me half and the next I knew I'd had 3 beers and eaten what for me was a full dinner.
There is a new girl working at the bar, her name is Diana and it seems she has caught Jimmy's eye. I saw what she looked like and she is cute in a Jennifer Love-Hewitt kind of way. Jimmy thinks she might be a little young since he just turned 41. She looked like she is closer to over 30 than under 30 and I told him that. I told him if he doesn't make something happen that would leave that door open for me. I was mostly kidding. Somehow we segued into how he doesn't have any thoughts of Coleen anymore and I should make a move. I just said no, I don't think so. Don't even know why I said it except I knew she was somewhere in the room and I still know she is more into whatever guy is texting her than me. I just seem like I need to protect myself. From what isn't clear to me. But I know people talk amongst themselves. I wanted to explain how if I ever got what I wanted from her I would probably have all kinds of trust issues since I know about half the time she tells me what she's doing or where she's been I think she is either leaving out things or even just flat out lying. I never really said that since she was suddenly right next to me. So I left it hanging out there. Still I look at the picture from the prior post and think "why not me?"
Tonight Coleen is cooking me dinner at her house which I am looking forward to more that I know I should. I'm already trying to figure out what to wear and what to bring. Her parents will be there, because they are always there, so there will be no real chance for anything different happening. I know if Coleen was really thinking about that she would be all about coming to my house. At least I'll know how she spent her evening.
Tomorrow I'll be posting the results of my evening. The best I can hope for is that we make a plan for the weekend but most likely I'll be home by 9 pm with no real change.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Just me being myself.

I know the road I am on leads to no where but I still go. I found myself with Coleen all weekend. You see, she had to put her dog to sleep on Friday. I spoke to her Thursday night and she knew it was going to happen the next day. She did not struggle with the decision but was real emotional. She had her dog for over 14 years and they had been through a lot of life together. She got Samson while she was married and lived out of state. When she divorced she took the dog to live with her and her parents. The dog became very attached to her dad and he to the dog. So they are grieving.
I spent a lot of time talking to her and I guess it's a skill I have. She seems to want me around as she struggles with her sadness. Unfortunately she probably won't feel that way when she is over things. But she asked me to go to dinner with her Saturday and Sunday we went to the mall and then watched the football playoffs together. Then I was invited to her house. Her dad didn't want to see anyone but he said I was okay. Then she said she wants to cook dinner for me on Tuesday. Of course I said yes.
Meanwhile I had Chris trying to see the game with me but Coleen wanted no one else around. And I never did hear from Janet all weekend. First time that's happened in a while. Not really sure how she is feeling but I also wasn't really caring.
This is probably not the right thing as I know Coleen is more into Tommy now than me and she won't ever see me that way. But I can't seem to help myself. I do love just being there. I'm so weak. I wonder if this happens to anyone else or is it just me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Bad time today.

I've been in a training course so I've been unable to do regular posting. Once again I have a life like a rollercoaster ride. While I've been enjoying the Jets run through the playoffs, I got a phone call that my brother-in-law is in the hospital. He is getting treatment for cancer. What I had expected to be a simple process is actually proving to be much more difficult... at least for him. I haven't gone to see my sister's family as much as I should so I will need to be more diligent about getting over there. My mom has been calling me and telling me I need to be more involved.

More about this soon.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Serendipity never works

Made it into the office today. My entire day was spent indoors. Only time I poked my head out was to grab the paper from the front step. No one called so I spoke to no one outside of 2 conversations I have with co-workers. I did manage to update my cell phone plan. I increased my text message limit from 300 to 1000 per month. I'll never come up to that but at least I can text away now without fear. Probably never next anymore. It does seem like I text more now than actually call anyone ... and my conversations never have a point while my text messages seem to make me feel connected.

I never did hear from Tracy. I guess I need to either try again or just give it up. I do need to give myself some kind of hope some where. I found this picture from 5 years ago. This is a girl I met only once. Her name is Heather and somehow I thought I would find her again. Maybe serendipity but it never happened. I remember she seemed to like me but that night I was more interested in what Janet was doing. I wish I could get a do-over.
I have very little planned for the upcoming weekend and don't expect to have anything exciting to report. Probably means I'll blog more since it always seems that if I live more I blog less and vice-versa.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snow Day

Another foot of snow fell overnight. So I get to work from home today. I don't need to go anywhere so I've been on this pc all day. Had we not had snow there was no way I could have gone to work. Last night I stopped down at the bar for what I hoped would be a short visit. I ended up staying late and never had dinner. I got home at about 10:30 and was asleep in minutes.
I did have fun playing pool and hanging out. I thought I'd see Coleen and she had been there but left prior to my arrival. She was with the new guy Tommy. I sent her a text anyway. She responded but only said "nite". I guess she was busy. I'll try not to think about it. She had been randomly texting me since the weekend but now she is distant again.
I did try to call Tracy and left her a message. She never returned the call so I guess I was too slow with her. It's just as well as she not the most ideal choice for me.
I'm planning on buying a new laptop soon so I can stop using the work one. Thinking about making the purchase this weekend.
Wow, this might be my most boring entry yet. I guess not much is happening. That comes with winter. Or maybe it's the calm before the storm.

Monday, January 10, 2011

How I bounce

I have crazy laptop issues. I have a new work laptop and still have the old one so I have been transitioning between the 2 since about Christmas. They really want the old one back but I've been hesitating on it mostly because I'm not sure if I have all the documents and pictures copied. Then I have been trying to write the files onto my external drive that only seems to work with the new laptop and only when I am off line. I will probably need to have it done by the end of the week. I will probably lose some things but I think most everything that is important I'll manage to copy somehow.
The rest of my life is also in various states of confusion. I am stressing out at work over things changing and not able to keep ahead of things. I can't seem to get anything to complete. A project that I'd been doing for more than a year is being pushed back again and it's pretty much my fault since I haven't been able to fix all the problems. I can only seem to focus on it for a day or two and then I get pulled in another direction and it's usually not a work related issue that pulls me away.
My weekend went by way too fast. I had dinner with Coleen both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday she asked if I'd like to have Chinese food with her at home - her parents were there too, so it wasn't like a special dinner. She had her dog at the vet all week and wanted to keep a close eye on him so I changed my plan at the last minute and went. I had planned to eat with Chris and watch the Jets playoff game. So she invited him as well. He was his usual quirky self. Then she asked me again Sunday and told me to leave Chris out of it ... which I wanted to do anyway.
I wish I could say how terrible it was so I could just give up and find something else, but it was actually nice. Probably my best moment came when Dean saw us leave together, although not to do what they do, but he doesn't know that.
The only down moment came when Janet sent me a text telling me where she was and I said maybe I'd come up. When I never did I heard she came looking for me but I'd already left with Coleen. She never did talk to me after that so I'm probably in her doghouse but since there is no romance there I'm just blowing it off. Last time she did that when I got there she was totally flirting with someone else and you know, she gets what she deserves.
I guess this entry is a little all over the place but then that's just a reflection of how my life is right now. Things just keep bouncing around for me.
No plans are being made and no one is going to change for me but I am still out there flailing away. I still do what I shouldn't but I make the best of it. I wish I could lead with my head instead of my heart. Maybe next time.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New year - old crap

Here is a picture for New Years Eve. The funny hats were on for just a moment.
The new year is only 5 days old and I'm already feeling disgusted. I start the year fresh and optimistic and after just 2 days at work I'm already feeling trapped like in the movie Groundhog Day. Just starting the year and I am already weeks behind.
Last weekend I got a text message from Coleen that her dog was sick with some kind of gastric distress. As I hadn't seen or heard from her since I decided to see how the dog was. He's a 12 year old dog so I wasn't sure what to expect. She said the dog is not doing well and has been with the vet since Monday. She was at the bar so I thought it would be a good idea to head out and see her. When I got there I saw an empty seat next to her.
Even though she has other friends there she was pretty much giving me all her attention... something that hasn't happened in a while. She is having a tough time as it may be that she will have to put the dog to sleep soon. She said she felt like she had failed and was a bad mom to the dog. I know that feeling from when my cat needed to be put to sleep 3 years ago.
It may have made her feel better as the next thing we were talking about was how she wants to come to my house to see the Jets playoff game and cook dinner. I decided to make a party out of it and maybe have 6 people over. With that plan made she headed home.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Women who would rather be alone than date me

I'm struggling a bit at work so I need to keep things short. But I would love to bring things up to date as far as how my New Years Eve went. The plan was to go to what was supposed to be a movie event that was really just a movie with some food prior to. There were mostly older people and couples. No real chance for me to strike up a conversation with anyone new. While that was disappointing I must say the movie Black Swan was fairly good. I wish I could get myself tickets to a real ballet ... I had wanted to see the Nutcracker before Christmas but no one shared my interest and going alone had little appeal for me. Maybe I should have gone alone anyway.
So before the movie I got a text message ... and not from anyone who I would have expected. It was Tracy. I had seen Tracy online earlier and had a short IM with her. I guess I got her thinking about me as she wanted to wish me Happy New Year. As much as I enjoy Tracy's company I can only handle her for a short time. There is something about her that reminds me a little of my ex-wife. She whines a lot. Still it was validating to have someone text me. Chris was asking why aren't I seeing her. When I told him I couldn't seem to get into her he was all about getting me to fix them up. That could be an interesting idea. We will see.
So we saw the movie and the plan was to stay afterwards for what was called a champagne toast. But when I noticed that the champagne was really sparkling cider I asked Chris if he wouldn't prefer to head back and have a real toast at a place near home. I had hoped to see someone, anyone, that I knew but the place we went didn't seem to have anyone there. So at midnight I sent a text to Janet and no one else except my sister-in-law sent me anything. I was home in bed by 12:30. Alone. Just like all the New Years for the last 20 years.
I needed to get up early to see my mom off to the airport so it was just as well. My night's sleep was interrupted by a text message at 2:30 A.M. WTF!? I read the message "Happy New Year" but without my glasses I couldn't see who sent it. Figured it was Janet and went back to bed.
When I awoke I put glasses on and realized the text was from Coleen. Now Chris has noticed the car of her new guy Tommy at the bar down the street of where we went so I at first thought she had been there and maybe had actually been out until then. But then I noticed the time stamp said 9:30 p.m. and realized her message must have taken 5 hours to be sent to me. Her cell is really messed up and this has happened before. Turns out she sent the message just before turning in for the night ... at home. She never goes out for New Years and I guess she didn't see Tommy. Or Chris was wrong and that wasn't his car.
So I'm up before 6 a.m. and at my sister's by 7 to say bye to mom as she gets ready to go to the airport and back to Florida. Then I am home and throughout the morning all the people I wish I had partied with on NY Eve sent me messages. Seemed that no one had gone anywhere except for me. Janet, Jami, Roberta, Lisa and Coleen had all stayed home. No one has a guy and there are me and Chris lamenting on our dateless New Year. It really is a screwed up place I am at. More and more I realize how I'll need to find something farther away.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Welcome 2011

It is the start of another year. It's not exactly off to a great start. Lisa got engaged. I want to be happy for her and I think I am but I'm also a little sad. There was always a part of me that thought we could have been more than friends. I feel as though I let that go a while back. The closeness we once had been reduced to almost nothing. Like all the girls I have been friends with before that I also had a crush on I saw this coming for a while. No real heartbreak. I'd long ago given up a future with Lisa.