Thursday, October 30, 2008

As promised here are details

My saying of "live life, post less" really does apply. It's been a somewhat hectic week or so. It may take me all day to get across all I need to say.

The past week or so I've spent the usual amount of time see Coleen and, no I didn't try to kiss her. Starting with last Wednesday I ended up going to dinner with her after Lisa cancelled coming to my house for dinner. I was going to cook a steak but she said she didn't feel well. I think she is just becoming less open to going anywhere that is more than 10 minutes away. So instead I took Coleen out for some Indian food. During dinner she got very emotional about things with her mom. It was a little scary but I guess she just needed to let it out. Her mom has been suffering with severe depression for more than 3 years and has pretty much stopped communicating. So it was a more diffecult dinner than usual.

I saw her again everyday after that through Sunday. We seem to spend more and more time together. I still wish it was leading to something. She still complains about Mark constantly but seems to not want to break the connection.

I was at the Bar on Saturday night having drinks and after Coleen left Roberta and Janet decided I needed a good talking to. It is their opinion that Coleen friendship is interfearing with my other relationships. They said they miss me and I am spending too much time with someone who at the end of the day doesn't have my interests at heart. I wasn't going to argue but I'm not going to suddenly stop seeing Coleen.

At some point on later I spoke to Coleen again and she mentioned about how she is getting a lot of flack about her and I and I told her about how I had a descussion about her with Roberta. Ever since every time I mention Roberta to Coleen I get a very negative reaction. I don't want to compartmentize my friends but I guess I'll need to try to keep them apart.

With that, my plans for Friday night is to go to a Halloween party without Coleen. Mostly because she wasn't interested in going and I don't press it so that I don't have to deal with the confrontaion. I will miss her Friday but Lisa is supposed to go so I'll be glad to talk to her.

Spoeaking of Lisa, she and Carmine found an apartment and are moving in together offically on Dec 1. I'm a little sad about that because it probably means the little we see each other now is reduced even more. Everybody moves on so it's not too devestating. I told her I'm happy for her, which for the most part I am. Problem is she continues to tell me how unsatisfied she is. But it's her life and I was never on her list of options.

Well, that's enough for now. I'll be taking pictures on Halloween so look forward to that. I will surprose you with my costume. We've been planning it for weeks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Lots of news

Not enough time for everything but I've been keeping busy doing the same old stuff. There was a dinner with Coleen a couple of times. I told her I could be more than a friend but she reacted about how I expected.... just changed the subject and moved on. Then I got almost an intervention from Roberta and Janet about how I need to spend less time with someone who they believe is just using me. So I'm chewing on that all week.

That's it for now. I'll get more into this when I can put some real time into writing.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dinner plans

Apparently I was supposed to call Coleen to set up dinner plans for tonight. I never called. She called me last night and I'd made a plan to have Lisa over for dinner so like an idiot I asked if she would like to come too. She didn't say no. So I may be having 2 guests for dinner. I haven't mentioned it to Lisa yet. I have doubts that Coleen will actually make it.

I'm feeling very odd about my feelings for Coleen since Sunday. I really want her to like me and she does make me feel special when around her. But it seemed so easy for her to turn to mush when Mark walks into her life. I know exactly how that feels. I've done that myself countless times. I want to put some distance between me and her so that I can gain some perspective. Every time I try that I get sucked in more and more.

In my head I see myself making a pass at her. Just reach for her and plant a kiss on her. I feel like if I talk about it she will just run away. The thing is I'm just not sure enough of myself. I mostly expect her to resist. But even if she doesn't I can't really count on my own ability. I've shut down my libido so long I don't even know if my body will react like I want it to. I am over 50. It may take me a long time to wake things up again. There... I've said it. Maybe too much honesty.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Weekend stuff

My difficulty deciding how to spend my weekend never really settled but I managed to compromise my way through it. As you can see from the first picture I made it to my favorite bar on Friday night. I never heard from Coleen beforehand so I partly expected that she wouldn't be there. But to my pleasant surprise I saw her car in the parking lot so I knew she was there. She isn't in the picture though. That's Jami, myself, Janet and Tony.

Even though Coleen isn't in the picture I did spend most of my Friday night talking with her. Once again she was telling me about how she is at the end of her relationship which I glad to hear. But when I tried to make her talk about how much I want to plan things to do with her she would change the subject or even find an excuse to simply end the conversation. She did seem genuinely disappointed that I wasn't going to be around at all on Saturday, but we promised to talk on the phone.

Mark was going to a wedding and she had been asked to go but she had said she wouldn't go. I was thinking my being around would make it easier for her not to go. But since I could really get her closer to me I figured that I'd need to do what I'd planned and that was that.

Saturday started out simply enough. I made it to the south shore before noon and things started out fairly quiet and laid back. It was pretty cold so I laid off the beer for as long as I could. I got into playing poker and I must say I had the best run of luck playing cards as I ever have had. By the end of the night I had put an extra $75 in my pocket. I had no idea what was different but traditionally I never win at cards. It seemed as if I was winning ever other had. You would think I would have enjoyed that and it was exciting, but I was really looking forward to the end. At about 4 o'clock I got a call from Coleen. She was definitely not going to the wedding with Mark. I was glad to hear that but still wished I could see her without having his name mentioned. It was a short conversation. She was heading to the bar. After sunset it got chilly. Pictured is the tent we all hung out in to protect us from the wind. There were 50 of us so it was a good turnout. I didn't really get any good pictures though.

I spent the night on Barry's boat. We got up early and since Barry wasn't feeling well we left. By the time I'd dropped him off and went home it was still only 10 o'clock. I needed to shower and change and as I was getting dressed I got a call from Coleen. You might think she calls me so much because maybe I'm getting to her. At least I was thinking that.

So we agreed to meet for lunch. Where else but at the bar to watch football. At some point she broke down and called Mark or Mark called her and she answered. All i know for sure was he came strolling into the bar and grabbed the seat next to her. Whatever I thought might be happening with us was clearly not. She and him got pretty close and I just watched the game.

So here is where it gets odd. He kind of pushed her away and left. Not in a mad way, just in a "I've got to get out of here" way. So he left and she wanted to know what I was doing.... hey I'd been drinking beer all weekend.... I really needed to go home. So I said I had no plans. She said she wanted to see Mark's dog before she goes home. I think she had an idea of going there and getting cozy with Mark. So I said goodnight and watched her head out the door with very different feeling than I'd had in the morning when she called me.

Well... I finished my drink and then left within maybe 10 minutes. So what a shock to see her driving the opposite way towards her house and away from Mark's. I don't know what happened but I know what didn't. At least I could get to sleep not thinking about that. Right now I'd prefer not to hear any details.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Conflicting thoughts

Late in the afternoon yesterday I got a phone call from Coleen. It was great to hear from her. We decided to meet for a drink which turned into dinner. Once again I feel special. Then I called her at work. She told me her weekend is wide open because she decided not to go to a wedding with Mark. I told her I would be spending my Saturday away at the power squadron function. I sensed some disappointment. I now feel conflicted. I'm wondering if this is an opportunity.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hump day

My week continues to drag on. And it's only half over. The end of the week should be better. I have plans with my brother Barry to take his boat over to TOBAY park for the Power Squadran end of year party. A big part of me wants to cancel so that I can continue my pursuit of Coleen. I get this feeling she is again on the ropes with Mark. It felt really strange to spend so much time with her last weekend. It really feels like she want to spend more time with me than him.

But then I'm not hearing from her the last 2 days. Whatever confidence I had is gone. I wonder if she is waiting for me to call. Today is her short day and she has an appointment to get her eyes examined. Then I can give her a call I think. Last weekend it felt like we were about to start something but now that seems miles away. She must be talking to someone and all I know it isn't me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Hey Jude

Yesterday was a ho-hum day. No real contact with anyone. I had a short phone conversation in the morning with Coleen. I called her. At work. I spent the rest of the day struggling with wanting to talk to her again and fearing that I may be going too far. I am trying to understand what I feel. From what I can see the only thing keeping us apart is my lack of confidence. The words to Hey Jude are repeating in my head. "And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder". I keep waiting for something to happen when, in fact, it just comes down to me just making it happen. But I still can't quite visualize it yet.
So what is next? I keep looking to see if she will call me. I think she will but if I don't hear from her today I will call her tomorrow. We stopped doing the text thing because I found out she was spending 20 cents a text which came to almost $40 a month just for texting me. If she updates her plan she can do it for $5 but she hasn't done that yet. I miss those messages. But she calls me more now which I like even better.

I took this picture of Lisa on Saturday while out on the boat. She bought her hat a week before at the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. There is no one I know who photographs as well as she does. She just knows how to look at the camera and just be natural. You might notice that the water is the background is as calm as can be. It was a completely windless day.

And on Sunday it was Chris and I out for a sail. There was more wind, but not much more wind. It may have been one of the best sailing weekends I've had in a long long time.

This boat was behind us and with no wind we just watched each other for an hour. They gave it up before us and motored in. We didn't wait long before we headed for the marina too.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Another weekend

I'm still getting used to my new location. Hopefully this will become simple soon. I am back to work after a good weekend. I got the boat out of the marina both Saturday and Sunday for the first time this year. I took some pictures and I'll have them in the next post. It figures that I do this just as it's time to end the season. My plan for next weekend is to take it the place to have it dry docked for winter.
I go to see alot of Coleen this weekend even though she didn't join me on the boat. I saw her Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and again on Sunday. As far as trying to distance myself from her it's not really working too well. She makes me feel more and more loved all the time. I am starting put pressure on myself to push things. It's making me very jittery. I think my biggiest problem is I still can't picture us together. I want to move things but I don't know how. We talked about getting together for dinner later this week so maybe I'll finally steel my nerve enough. It's a risk that we won't have a friendship if I do but it already feels like we are more than that anyway. I need to take a chance.

Friday, October 10, 2008

New day - new home for the story

My new home for my journal. I almost gave it up. I was conflicted as to whether this story should continue but life goes on and so does the journal. We will see if the features that are different make this process easy or hard. Right away I see there is an auto-save feature. No more spilling my guts for an hour only to have my cat walk across the keys and delete the entry.
Me evening last night was spent having dinner with Coleen (she spells it with just one "l"). She had some dental work this week and is still feeling the after effects of that. It is the second time she wanted dinner with me after going to see Mark and finding him shitfaced on the couch. I felt compelled to remind her of that fact ... probably should have let it go. But I was feeling very confrontational. I want to tell her if she wants to make a move in my direction that I'm here for her.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

My Sunday

I spent my Sunday at the street fair that is known as the Sea Cliff Mini-mart. It's an annual event that is very laid back. It's more about getting out and seeing people you only see at these kind of things. I saw a number of people who I only barely recognized. The friends I saw were Chris, Lisa, Carmine, Roberta and Janet. Coleen was with her boyfriend Mark at the Giants' game. I made the mistake of sending a text message to her before the end of the event. She called me as I was leaving to say she and Mark were grabbing dinner at the bar but I'd already been on my feet the entire day so I said I was going home instead.  

One wonders how a group like this can expect to run a successful election campaign when they appear so spelling-challenged. Lucky I have spell check ... as long as I remember to use it.

That's Chris and Lisa and Carmine . Yes, there was beer. No place to sit but there were lots of music. At least 4 different bands.

That's Roberta and Janet. It was a long day. At the end I dropped Roberta off at home because Janet decided to stay and go to some party. Roberta said it was because there is a guy who goes that she has sex with but they never go anywhere that is like a date. There would have been a time when it would have really bothered me but I'm long past that.

So now it's Tuesday and there is a plan to go away this coming weekend. I am expected to go by Janet and Roberta. I kind of want to go but there are so many things to do I'm not sure if I can go. That and since Coleen isn't going my incentive just isn't there. We had made plans to do something on Saturday so I'm very conflicted.  

Monday, October 6, 2008

Half the weekend

My weekend included a little bit of everything. There will be pictures later.

Friday I wasn't planning on much but when I needed to pick my car up near the bar I decided to make that part of my evening. The bar had been closed during the week so no one really knew if they were even open, but I got a call from Coleen and knew she would be there.

So there I was in my usual place with Coleen and hardly anyone else since everyone was unsure whether the bar was open. Coleen was planning her weekend around Mark so I just listened to her complain about why she wasn't getting what she wanted. She was mostly talking to Dave who has been giving her a hard time about her choices. She was still planning to have dinner at Mark's even though it was past 7 and Mark was already halfway though a 6 pack of tall-boy beers and seemed to have no intention of entertaining her that night. So she left the bar and headed there with Dave scoffing at her. I ordered another beer and before I even took one sip from it everyone else I knew decided to leave so there I was sitting alone with my beer. Just as I was about to finish the beer my cell rang. It was Coleen saying she needed to eat and Mark was in no shape for a meal. We agreed to meet at an Italian restaurant I go to. She was there before me even though I was there in five minutes. So we go in and eat and while we were talking she said some things that may have been the wine she was drinking, but she said some really nice things. But we ended the night with her still planning her weekend around Mark.

I spent my day doing errands and getting things done at home and on the boat. Went to Janet's before we went to the bar to meet the gang. Coleen plan was to go out to dinner with Mark and since she was going to spend Sunday with him she said she would be spending the night there. I was trying not to think about that so I pushed her out of my mind. So imagine my surprise when at 7:30 I see her come strolling through the door solo. Apparently there was no dinner either. She said she hadn't eaten. But I had already had dinner so I just talked to her. I suppressed the desire to tell her she needs to plan with me if she really wants to do something. Still it was good to know she was not spending the night with Mark, even though her day on Sunday would be with him.

So Sunday I didn't see her at all. I was out and about though and I'll talk about that in another entry.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Not ready for the end

I feel like I'm pulling the plug before the end of the story, but I guess the story doesn't really end until I'm deceased so it would be a lot to expect a true ending to this blog. Meanwhile, life goes on....

The bar we all go to most Friday nights is closed. Apparently the liquor license expired on the last day of September so as of October 1 they've locked the door until it can be resolved. No decision has been made as to where will will go for a new, temporary watering hole.

Last night I got a call from Coleen about just that subject. Our conversation evolved in a direction I was never prepared for. She confided in me that she feels very close to me and considers me to be her best friend. I said "please don't put that tag on me". And I meant it. She talked about how she really doesn't want to hang out with the other girls like Roberta, Judy and even Janet. I actually agreed with her on this. So if we find new place separate from them. But she also mentioned Mark will be there too.

So that's it for today. Hopefully there is still time for more.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The beginning of the end

I've lost trrack of how long I've been doing this blog, but if what I've been hearing since yesterday is true I will only be updating for another month. Sometimes I think nothing happens or changes but if I go back and look at older entries I can see I've written about so many things .... still no one special in my life. I lost my closest friend Joe, started hanging out with new friends in Glen Cove and even found myself attracted to an assortment of women. This journal has helped me to vent my frustration or obsessive compulsions.

So I will still be updating and try to figure out if there is another viable option. Or I may just move on and maybe start keeping a notebook which I've done many times before. The thing I'll miss is knowing that my words won't get read by random people and receiving their feedback.