Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sorting things out

I'm sure I've about lost any and all my interested readers. At this point even I find it difficult to stay tuned to what has become a broken record. Still, it's my life and it is the only one I've got so may as well make the best of it.

About 2 weeks ago I decided I wanted to feel better about who I am and how I live. My focus became how my living room is so out of date. Everywhere I looked was clutter. My entertainment unit was old and sagging in the middle. I had CD's laying about with no where to put them. My couches are just chairs with an assortment of blankets atop them. I wanted to make my place presentable. Give myself someplace I could feel good about. So I've been going to Ikea and other stores looking for ideas.

So out went the TV unit. I got myself a shelf system called IVAR and have begun to make changes bit by bit. The thing I like about Ikea is their stuff is modular. I can start with one piece and build on it. Next I want to do something with the couches. I can't really afford new ones but I've been looking at slipcovers. Seems my couches are fairly standard sized love seats. At first I looked online and found some interesting ideas there but then I went to a discount chain and found one marked down to $15. When I got to the register it actually rang up for just $5. "Woohoo" I thought. My luck didn't last long though as when I got home I found it to be for a much smaller chair than I have. But I still think it's a good plan. Probably going to cost about $30 to $40 a chair.

In other news, I had a nice dinner last Saturday with the girls at Roberta's house. Actually was there real late. A bunch of us are making plans for the summer to take some trips on the boat. Some of that was fueled by too much wine, but it would be nice if I could do more on the boat this year. Still at least 10 weeks away from launch.

I got a call from Coleen as I was riding home from work on the train. At first I put the ringer on silent and put the phone away. But it was eating away at me so when I got off the train I listened to her message and called her back. She was with Mark so we didn't talk long. She wanted to make a plan for going out for Indian food, but I refused to make a plan. It was a short conversation and I'm so sick of how flighty she can be. I'm sure her call was more about getting attention from Mark than about how I am. I'm letting go more and more.

Of course I am a little less hopeful because of this. I guess I had been obsessing for so long I still don't know how to be anything else. Which is why I am trying to get my home looking better. Gives me something else to focus or obsess on.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday night stuff

For the first time in about 6 weeks I went out to the bar last night. It was good to get out and see some of the people that hang out there. But i also feel like I want to move on to other things. It's just doing the same thing over and over. At this point I could take it of leave it. It was good to see Coleen again but we didn't really connect so I can see the effect of staying away from her. The results are that she wasn't that anxious to find out how I've been. She was in conversation with everyone else it seemed. So to her i was just one of the crowd.

As I am typing this I've just answered the phone and spoken to Coleen. She said she would call and we spoke but nothing serious. I have other plans so I am not seeing her again this weekend.

So I have managed to isolate myself from anything remotely resembling a relationship. It was Lisa's birthday last week and it's Coleen's birthday next week. I haven't seen Lisa to give her her present and when I try to see how Coleen will spend her birthday she just rolls her eyes and doesn't want to even discuss it. So I'll be holding on to her present too.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Daily news

Spent my Presidents Day mostly at home. I want to redo my living room so I went to Ikea for some ideas. I started by getting a new shelf that I will use to create a new entertainment unit. I estimate that will run about $400 I think.

I didn't really talk to anyone all day. My only contact with the outside world came when Lisa sent me an IM when she got home from work. She is back and forth with her boyfriend Carmine. I made the mistake and asked her how her Valentines was. She seems unhappy and is looking for reasons to not be there even though they just signed a lease on a rented apartment. Part of me sees this as the inevitable outcome but I try to get her to work harder at staying together. I still have this deep down feeling that we will end up together. I want to not feel this way.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

What's going on

It's still winter... endless winter. I've been spending a lot of time indoors alone. Mostly by choice. I stopped going to the bar which is a good thing. That means I see Coleen less and less. I've decided I need to do that. I still feel like I want to make something happen but as long I continued to maintain the same relationship it wasn't going to happen. So I did see her last Sunday and we spent the day together but then she called me at home one night during the week I needed all my strength to resist making a plan with her. To make sure I asked Janet to dinner for Friday night.

Seeing Janet was good. She might be the most perfect girl I've ever met. There just isn't a hint of romance with her. I can look in her eyes and see nothing there that says she is looking at me as anything more than an old friend. Still we enjoyed dinner Friday so much we decided to have dinner again on Saturday. She cooked and then played Rock Band with her kids. It was fun if not a little surreal.

So now it's Sunday and I've had about as good a weekend as I should expect. But still I wish I could have heard from Coleen. I know it's bad to have these kind of obsessive feelings and I need to make an effort to not have them. I'll need to wait and see.