Friday, September 30, 2011

I think I'm an ass

So I've been laying low trying to stay within my budget. I had just pennies in my checking account after I took my last $20 out of the ATM last Sunday. After I'd stayed in Friday and Saturday I went down to the bar on Sunday and had a beer while watching some football. I managed to make it home with $10 still in my pocket. But then I went to dinner with Lisa where she paid but I left the tip. That was the end of money for me except whatever spare change I could find under the seat of the car. It's actually fine. I don't use any money at work since I bring my lunch and coffee is free. I had all the food I needed at home. I had no gas in the car but I walk to the train so I could get by with out driving.
Last night I got a call from Carolyn. I hadn't called her in over a week and she was angry about it. "What could I have done to make you mad at me?" Yikes. I guess it's better to get a reaction then nothing. I assured her it was not my intention. Well, maybe that's partially true. Mostly I figured anything I did would put me in a position where I had to explain how broke I was. But I also am feeling frustrated about how I'm always just a friend and there needs to be more than that. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get to be "the Man" again. It's easier to just stay home.
I felt obligated to make amends so tonight the plan is to take Carolyn out. We will see how that goes.
It occurs to me that perhaps I've been to passive. If she wants me around that bad I may ask for more than "just friendship". I'm not walking away but I need to know if I can look around. How to explain that is what is really hard.
Then on top of all this Lisa says she wants to see me more. And I called Janet this week and told her we would try and get together soon. And as my friend Jimmy said, "You're not banging any of them so don't get all worked up."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lacking inspiration

I've been having a bit of a problem health wise. Nothing serious. Just dealing with allergies and a bad wisdom tooth. I keep messing up with Carolyn although I think it's more her fault than mine. Since there seems to be nothing going to happen between us I decided to take my neighbor Esther out to dinner on Saturday. I feel there is an attraction there but I must resist it because the last thing I need to have is a girlfriend who lives right next door. You might think that given my desperation I should not be so picky. I am wondering about that too but so far my I am using my best judgment. That and the opportunity hasn't really presented itself.
I've been taking some time off away from my blog entries. I don't know if that will change but for now I am uninspired. That may change but for now that's about it.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Weekend was a bust

I don't know if I did something but Carolyn kind of blew me off. Twice. Maybe three times. It's hard to tell when she doesn't really communicate. First off, it may even have been my fault.
I spoke to her on Thursday night about making a plan for Friday. I asked that she call me when she was done with work. Now I probably should have called her but then I would seem over anxious so I just tried to be patient. Well, when I didn't hear from her by 7 I just said the hell with it and started to make my dinner. While she never called me she did send a text at about 7:30. I didn't see it until after I'd finished dinner. Texted back and she was shopping. So no plan. I probably messed that up but I thought we had discussed it and she should call me. With that I just let it go. The truth be told this has about run it's course anyway.
I spent Saturday running errands and doing laundry that had piled up. I also made it into the gym, something I know I need to get back into. I kept thinking I would hear from Carolyn, but for some reason she doesn't want to see me. We exchanged text messages and all I get are one word responses. Finally on Monday I called her and she said everything was fine. So I suggested we get together on Monday afternoon. She said I should call because she needs to get her son's school stuff squared away. I called and got nothing back. Yeah, probably coming across as a needy bitch. So I'm sort of not thinking about it. I have plenty of other things to do. But I do have this "co-dependent" feeling. I kind of moped around my house way more than I should have. I never made any alternative plans like I know I should have.
This week I will try to focus on moving on and trying to reconnect with some people I haven't really been spending any time with all summer. That will be an evolving process. I may be spending a lot of time home too.