Thursday, July 28, 2011

Making plans

I had a nice evening down on the boat. I wasn't anticipating much. I brought a book to read and settled in for a nice sunset and was reading and I just put the book down for a second and closed my eyes. I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember is Carolyn saying hello. Might have been 10 minutes or maybe 30 minutes. I have no idea.
So we shared a bottle of wine until about 9 o'clock and we talked about making plans. She must have had a really good day as she seemed very comfortable. We are considering taking her boat out this weekend even though I wanted to take mine out. We will see how that goes. We are also thinking about doing a little night time boating as she says how much she misses that. I'm mostly down for that. We made it an early night. Last thing we said was about what plans we could make for Friday night. I wanted to get something firm but she wouldn't pin down anything.
Friday night there is a Mo-town band playing in the Downtown square and I am looking at that as my best option. Thing is if I do that Carolyn isn't going. So perhaps I need to just do what I want and if she misses it that would be her loss.
At about 2 PM my phone chirped with a text message. It was Coleen. Took her a few minutes to get to the point but she wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. She must have heard something. I was painfully honest. I said I have been discreetly seeing someone as a friend. She dropped it. She is still very much ensconced with Tommy so I made sure not to plan to see her. She doesn't so much miss me.
Tonight will be a busy night. I have to take a trip down to the South Shore and drop off the lobster pot at my brothers and I need to get into the allergist for a booster shot. Maybe make a stop at the grocery store. The rest of my day will be at work.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Helplessly Hoping

Yesterday was a quiet day so the only thing I could do was to add some comments. There isn't much new today either. The last 2 nights I've mostly stayed home and relaxed.
I've been getting emails from Carolyn practically every day now. It's a little strange that she and I have become closer even though we have had a friendship for a long while. I must be filling some kind of need in her and while I had once considered her to be into me now I'm feeling like she just needs me for help with some of the crap she deals with.
I'm still not sure if she just needs time or is she just using me for a while. Even if she just needs me there for friendship it is okay. I thought she could be special but now I'm wondering if I should spend too much time with someone who will one day need to break my heart. I know I'm over thinking. That's what happens when not much else is going on.
I think back to when I first met her ... and this blog goes back that far. I had just found out she had a husband but she was very flirtatious with me and I even tried to kiss her. But while she never spent time around me with her husband she was constantly with her friend Andy who she said was never considered as a boyfriend. Well, he did end up living with Carolyn and then suddenly developed cancer with led to his death in less than a year. I was pretty much just on the edge of things, saying hello and not getting too involved. It was the right way to handle things. But the attraction has always been there. Now we are close but it feels like the sexual thing is disappearing. And she looks hotter now.
If she continues to call me I'll let it go on for the summer but if it rolls into fall I won't continue to have hopes.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Strong Enough To Be The Man

After not hearing from Carolyn at all on Saturday I got a message from her on Sunday morning asking how the party was. I just said it was fun and I would send her some pictures of what she missed. The weather was still warm but there was no sun and the prediction was for some rain showers. She wasn't planning on going on the boat but I needed to do a repair on mine. Carolyn mentioned going to Freeport late in and day and would I like to join her. I wasn't going to say no.

Freeport is this very nautical place that has a bunch of outdoor bars with music and restaurants all along a long canal. It it a bit of a hike from where we live as we are North Shore and Freeport is South Shore but it's not too far. We went to an outdoor patio bar that was packed with biker types but she knew some of the band members so I got some drinks and relaxed. Carolyn wanted a frozen drink so I bought that and she wondered if it even had any alcohol in it.

We had pretty much missed the band that she wanted to see but another band was setting up and it had just started to rain so we stayed a while. Carolyn did not like the whole biker bar scene and honestly it has never been something I have ever liked but it was fun to see her getting uncomfortable. I was wondering how I could make this work for me.

She looked really great and she introduced me to the band who are all older than we are. I did get her to pose for a picture with the her friend. There were a couple of biker guys who came over and complemented (hit on) Carolyn's looks. You might think she liked the attention but she just wanted out of there. I could see that so I said we should stay a little bit. It was funny to see how freaked out she was. She could not relax so as soon as the new band started it was time to go.

We walked down the street and since we were both hungry we went to a seafood restaurant and had a nice dinner. She tried to pay for half but I took the check and told her she can buy a round of drinks. After dinner we ended up walking around and taking some pictures. We never did get that drink as we couldn't decide where to go and just headed for home. We sat and talked in her backyard for an hour. It was during this talk when I started to realize things are probably never going any farther then they already have. She is so damaged right now the best thing for both of us is to just keep things simple and uncomplicated. She has so many things to deal with adding me to the mix would end up bad. I need to just appreciate her company and not get any more into my head. I probably should not be planning too much as I may find myself back into wanting something with someone who will never see me that way.

The good thing is Carolyn has been a good distraction and she has gotten me away from all those bar people. I am moving in a different circle now and out of the "same old-same old". Best of all Carolyn has a way of making me feel like I have something ... she flirts with me just enough to keep me on edge. It may get old but for now it's enough to know that I am the man.

Lobsterfest Weekend

My Saturday was spent at a party at Janet's house. I had invited Carolyn and at first she wanted to be there but at the last minute she decided not to go. More on that in my next entry.

My entire Saturday was wrapped up in getting ready for the backyard lobsterfest. We cooked a total of 45 lobsters. I agreed to pick up the lobsters in the store near where I once lived and I also borrowed from my brother a pot and cooker which doubled our capacity. Janet came to my house late on Friday and handed me $500 to pay for the lobsters. As we sat and talked she was most worried about the heat as on Friday it topped out at 100 degrees and Saturday was predicted to be almost as hot. My thought was at least there would be no rain. But it was hot.

This is a picture of Janet and her daughter Ali.

Saturday morning was spent getting the lobsters and from there I got down to the boat for a few hours but didn't go out on it. Inside the boat it was 106 so I spent a little of the time cooling it down. I didn't do much more than that. I was home and changed and headed to Janet's for the party at around 4. It was almost an hour early but since I had the ice it was important that I be there.

The party went off without a hitch and I ate and drank and barely thought about my disappointment the Carolyn had essentially blown me off. When I last saw her on Friday night I noticed she was dealing with a cold sore on her lip and it was really bad. I'm almost sure she would have felt very self conscious about it. It was that bad. I can kind of understand if that was what her real reason was. What she said was she needed to work and wouldn't be up to a party after her day. I think maybe she isn't as into me as I once hoped. I need to not invest too much into this.

So I ended my Saturday late and was home alone by midnight. I went to bed knowing I would need to get back to Janet's and help with some of the cleanup. I did not send Carolyn anything and I didn't hear from her until I got a text message from her just as I was leaving after the cleanup.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Running on ice

Yesterday I spent at the beach with Carolyn's 14 year-old son. It was the hottest day I can remember and it was good to be on the beach. Wayne, Carolyn's son is a good kid. He was in the water a lot and so was IO. I'm more than a little sun burnt even though I was using SPF 50 sunscreen. Probably kept washing off in the water.
I am more than a little regretful that I enjoyed his company. We started talking and we were talking about things we could do. Problem is I have no idea what the future will bring. Wayne is estranged from his dad and he got close to Andy who was with Carolyn after her marriage and from what she told me Andy and Wayne got real close. I would hate it if I bond with Wayne and then be someone else who leaves. The the feeling I get from Carolyn is she isn't about to get close to anyone least of all me.
I had asked her to come with me to a party at Janet's tonight and at first she wanted to go. Last night at the end of the day we were both down at the marina and I reminded her about the party and she pretty much decided she wouldn't go or do anything with me this weekend. I son;t know why I expect things to move in a linear fashion and not not up and down so I can't predict what I need to do next. I know Carolyn has been through a lot and she probably isn't sure she wants anyone to add to all she deals with. And I'm not sure I can handle all she deals with either. She is also very attractive and has always had options that I can't even see.
As I start today I'm fine but sad and pessimistic.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Beach day

I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. I spent yesterday with Carolyn's kids on my boat. I've had them out on the boat before because I actually know Carolyn for quite a while. Maybe 6 years. But here is my thing, I still don't know if things with her will ever go anywhere but I am bonding with the kids. The little voice in my head says I should not do that as I'd hate it if I close to the kids and found myself needing to distance myself from her for whatever reason. If all we can be is friends I can't get too involved with the kids. But they are really good kids.

It is so hot outside. It's expected to get to 100 degrees today. Tigger went outside this morning and came back inside fairly quickly and then laid out on the ceramic tiles as they are the coolest part of the house. He knows how to cool down. He moved from there to a spot right in front of the a/c. All that fur must make it tough in the heat.

I'll be cooling off at the beach. In fact I need to get going right now.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

She is the bomb

I shared my evening with Carolyn again last night. The weather was perfect for being outside with a glass of wine. It was a nice time. I asked her to join me on Saturday night to go to another friends backyard dinner party. She very enthusiastically said yes but then said she my need to be late in case she needs to work. She was in her office until almost 7 last Saturday so it's iffy. Still we made plans for Sunday to go boating again. In fact today I am off work and taking her kids out on the boat. Not Carolyn, just the kids. There is Monica, who is 18 and Wayne who is 14. We will see how that goes, as I should also have Chris too.
Well, things keep crawling along. Not sure if things are going to blow up on me but Carolyn was literally gushing about how much she enjoyed our day last weekend. Her loss of her boyfriend to cancer has me thinking she has shut her libido down and that's why she is hesitating going further with me. I'm just taking this where ever it goes and keeping it lite and fun. The romance thing seems like a fantasy so I'm doing what I always do. Being a friend. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Things are getting hot

It's strange how just a little optimism can change my whole mood. Even though my odds of having anything the resembles a relationship are still very much less then 50/50 I feel very validated this week. The buzz from my time with Carolyn last Sunday is still with me.
Last night I needed to get some clothes into the laundry and I wanted to go down to the boat and open the hatches so it's not melting inside. We are dealing with a real summer heatwave and I love it. It helps having my A/C running continuously at home.
I figure if I can get the clothes washed and into the dryer by 7, I can get to the boat and enjoy a little of the sunset then get back and fold by 9. I was close to on schedule ... yes I am become that anal retentive that I have to schedule the off hours.... when I arrived down at the boat at about 7:30. I see Carolyn is there on her boat doing some clean up... there were still a few things undone from Sunday. We opened a bottle of wine and had a quick glass before she had to go and pick up her son. It worked out perfectly for me as had she stayed I would never have been able to get my laundry. We had a nice 20 minutes. She told me her back has been really bad ... as has mine. So the pounding from running the boat at high speed on Sunday hurt us both in the same way. I was thinking I was just old.
With that she left in plenty of time to pick up her son and we should touch base again later today. The last thing she said was how nice Sunday was and how she liked how there was no pressure. So maybe things a moving at a crawl but she kind of needs that. At least I hope that's it otherwise there isn't much for me to get excited about. The more I see her the more I want to see her. I'm sense a little of that from her as well.
I have the next two workdays off. The plan for tomorrow is to relax and take the boat out with Chris. This works out perfect since I feel bad that I blew him off Sunday to be with Carolyn. Not that bad just hate to disappoint anyone. Then my weekend which I have to look forward to with more that the usual things. Wow. I can't wait. I may not blog until Monday so bear with me until then. Maybe I'll have a really good story.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Still feeling the good buzz

I spent last night quietly relaxing at home. From spending Sunday out on the water on Carolyn's boat which goes really fast, all that bouncing has my back in spasm. I got off the train and got to the boat before getting home and cleaned things up. I noticed Carolyn left behind a towel and her bikini. I need to do laundry so I'll try to do her a favor and put them through the wash with mine. I'm not sure how to wash her bathing suit but I figure it will be fine in with my colors. More info than anyone wants to know - right?
To go out with Carolyn last Sunday I kind of had to break plans I had with Chris. I felt bad about that so I left him a message with an apology. He called me last night and said it was perfectly fine. I had already decided to take Thursday and Friday off from work and I found out he may be off on Thursday so we made a plan to take a sail. It's great when everything works out.
I did dial up Carolyn last night but no answer and her number is not taking voice mail. I decided not to try a text until later in the week. I know she had a good time Sunday and if she saw I called I'm sure it's not overwhelming. But I think if I started texting that would be overkill. I'm confident enough to know she will call me when she needs to.
Now I need to focus on work. It's a good day.

Monday, July 18, 2011

A weekend of almost

This will be a longer version of my weekend events. I need to seriously hydrate this morning as I seem to have lost a lot of water over the weekend. Between the sun and drinking a lot of wine yesterday I have a huge thirst today.

Let me start with Friday night. I got off work and got home at my usual time. I decided I needed to eat dinner and then head out so I enjoyed a nice meal of leftovers and was done and ready in about 30 minutes. Problem was I'd let the cat out and Tigger had no inclination to going back into the house. I'd gone to work during the day and while the house was cool and comfortable when I left for work in the morning it had gotten a little warm during the day. Tigger does not do well in the heat. Even though I'd turned the A/C on he was not anxious to go back into the house. So I had to do a search and I found him wandering around the courtyard just doing whatever it is cats do. Meanwhile Lisa was calling me to find out when I'd be downtown for the music. I got there in plenty of time. She was alone, no Carmine. He was even later then I was. Lisa amused herself by talking to Marty the jazz pianist who was the about to begin playing for all the people. Marty is 90 years old and has more energy that I have even now. It was a great show even though I am not much of a jazz fan. It ended up being an early night. Which is good because I really put my foot in my mouth by saying to Lisa that pigs will fly before she and Carmine actually ever pick a wedding date. I know as soon as I said it I needed to just shut up. Why do I always find the absolute wrong thing to say and just say it? With that I headed home. It was an early night.

I did see Coleen briefly. I can't figure out what is going on with her right now. She was wearing a dress that looked like a bag. She was wearing shorts too but still it looks like she is gaining weight. I wish I had taken a picture but that just didn't work. I asked her when she might be interested in going on the boat. I just got a vague reply that pretty much told me never. With that she was gone. We did exchange text messages on Saturday evening that she initiated. I don't know what to think about that.

Saturday was a gorgeous day but I spent most of it running errands. I got up early and made it to the gym then went grocery shopping. That was my morning and part of the afternoon. I sent a text to Carolyn who was working. I made it down to the boat after 2 PM. I needed to be at my brother's house by 5 for my niece's graduation party so there was no going out onto the water. So I did a few things around the boat then napped for an hour. It was real hot. Ended up leaving the boat at 5 so I would be an hour later to my brother's house. It was fine. I wasn't the last one there.

While I was there I needed to be careful with the phone as I was getting text messages from Carolyn and Coleen at the same time. I wanted to plan Sunday with Carolyn so I pretty much blew of Coleen who was ranting about how difficult it is with her parents right now. Coleen has lots of other people to talk to but I really needed to spend time with Carolyn. Before I had my Sunday planned I told Chris that maybe we would take out the boat for a sail. That turned out to be a mistake as I wasn't about to have him with Carolyn and I again. I felt bad about that.

I was up really early on Sunday morning and I called Carolyn and suggested I go to her house and pick her up. We were on her boat away from the dock a little pat 11. We started by fishing and we opened a bottle of wine by about noon. There was swimming and just relaxing. After we had a lunch of tuna salad the Carolyn had made we both just laid back and soaked in the sun. It wasn't long before Carolyn was sleeping. I admit I probably dozed off for a bit. Since the fishing was bad we moved on to a place that would be better for swimming. She is so funny because she thinks I am not as able to handle the water like she does. It is so great to be with someone who just loves being near the water. I wanted to just bottle up the day and hold it for a really long time.

After 4 o'clock I start wondering if we should start looking toward how we would finish the day to which Carolyn had other ideas. All of a sudden we are shooting over to the Connecticut side of the sound and anchored off of Captains Island and we swim ashore and check it out. We walked all around the island which was pretty much deserted except for the light house at the eastern end. She needed to see it so we hiked over there and the next thing I know she is knocking on the door and talking to the lighthouse keeper who wanted nothing to do with us. I just told her"we gotta go". We saw a parakeet on the ground which seemed fairly tame but she wanted to capture and and take it home. That was not an option and thank God it proved too quick for her and got away.

It must have been past 7 when we pulled the anchor and finally headed back to our marina. If we had taken my boat it would have been about a 2 hour trip but her boat had us back in about 30 minutes.

Here is where things got away from me a bit. We were planning to go out to dinner near her house but we both needed to change so we jumped onto my boat where I had a change of clothes. We got into this odd discussion where Carolyn said she didn't understand what the need for underwear was. Meanwhile I had ducked into the head (bathroom to you landlubbers). With what she said I was going commando (shorts and no underwear). I popped out of the bathroom as she was just finishing putting on a dress. I said I would not wear underwear to which she replied "neither am I" and then showed me her bare ass. Next thing I know my hand is up her dress caressing her behind. But then I try to kiss her and get something going and there is nothing. She just won't kiss me. So I back away ... thinking I'm going too fast. So we starting to prep things to close up the boat and she suggested we didn't have to go out so I suggested I could cook something right there. I had everything I needed to make spaghetti so I start boiling water and got the sauce started. Carolyn had a glass of wine and relaxed topside still wearing just the dress. I don't mind telling you I was very turned on but at the same time frustrated. We enjoyed the dinner and just when I thought she would suggest packing up she just said she was so relaxed she wanted to just stay and nap right there. So with that I went below and grabbed a couple of pillows and we both stretched out in the cabin on the bed. We laid together spooning, her facing away from me but holding my hand but not ever responding to me. We both fell asleep like that for more than 2 hours. It was close to midnight before we stirred and both of us know we need to be at work early on Monday we hustled out of the marina. I needed to take her home which was considerably farther than my house. Maybe next time she comes to my house. When we got to her house I helped her carry some thing into her house and there was a quick good bye as her teenage son was home upstairs and I did not want to make too much noise. By the time I was home it was getting close to one AM. I was asleep before I knew it.

There is is. The full story of an almost perfect weekend. Maybe there is more to come or maybe not. At least there are possibilities.

Mr Frustration

This will probably take a few entries for me to complete the story but I spent all day yesterday with Carolyn. Our day ended with us sleeping together (just sleep no sex) on my boat. It was both pleasurable and frustrating at the same time. It feels like we are moving towards intimacy but when I make a move she resists me. She will let me touch her, holds my hand and look at her but she refuses to kiss me which is a real show stopper for me. It almost feels like she wants me to force it. I hope it's just a fear of all that has happened to her over the last year or so and she doesn't want to let me in. I'll give some more time but sooner or later I'll need to make something happen or I go a little nuts.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Friday junk

I did not have a very good day yesterday. I took the day off from work but it was not a very constructive day. About the only positive thing I did was I got some laundry done. I managed to scrounge together $10 and went to the bar for the first time in weeks. The only one there to talk to was Jimmy which was okay although it wasn't that great.
After being there just an hour or so I went home and made a nice dinner after which I just sat and watched TV. It was such a nice night out too but there wasn't anyone around so rather than sit alone on the boat for the 4th night in a row I stayed home and bonded with my cat. I got to a point where I just needed to have someone to have some kind of contact with.
The biggest problem is I have this new smart phone that I can use to contact people in all sorts of ways. Last night it was just quiet. No calls, emails, text messages or even anything on FB. I was left feeling alone and isolated. This does happen and usually there is a break withing a day or two where I do have people reach out to me. Never when I am ready but at least I can feel secure that it will occur.
Tonight is Friday. I have not made plans with anyone. I'd like to see Carolyn but since she is away and I am not sure when she is back I need to have no expectation for her to call me. Even if she gets home she needs to spend some time with the kids. Maybe I will send her a text but she may just need some space.
I thought I might see Lisa tonight. There is big band music playing Downtown and I know she was planning to go. But when I last spoke to her she had forgotten about it so odds are she may not come out. She has been fairly unhappy lately and I'm not sure why. There was a time when we would talk but she have not responded to me for a while and since she is engaged I've sort of not looked to change that.
Janet may be around. I won't be surprised if I don't end up spending a little more time with her and Roberta tonight. But they are not longer a regular part of my life so it will just be catching up. They stopped including me in their plans mostly because I chose other options. I just don't want to be a part of their circle.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Not like Ferris' Day Off but still good

I didn't see Carolyn last night. She is away on some kind of work thing. But is fine. She sent me a text message in the middle of lunch yesterday to let me know. She also reminded me how much she enjoyed going out on my boat last weekend. I'm not good at reading between the lines but this feels like a good thing. She wants to me to know she is thinking about me. I also knew she wouldn't be around and it was Wednesday, which has been a night we have been going to the boat and sharing a bottle of wine.
We agreed to make a plan for the weekend which works out great for me. I am a little low on money until Friday. I couldn't do anything until then anyway so this take me off the hook. Now I am trying to come up with a plan.
I took a day off from work today. I went to the gym and now I'm doing laundry. No real plan other than that but I just wanted to have a day off. I don't know what I'll do this afternoon but I'm sure something will come up. It's a good day.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Play ball

I want this to be a good Wednesday. What that will be is still not clear. I need to use some vacation days and I am considering taking the next 2 days off. The forecast is for great weather but there won't be anyone to enjoy it with. I could still take a few days just to relax so I am considering it.

For the last few Wednesdays I've been able to talk Carolyn into meeting me and I'm hoping I she will do that again tonight. I have this feeling that she won't. I know I need to not let a cloud of negativity surround me so I am remaining upbeat. Thing is I called her cell last night before 8 PM and she did not pick up and her voicemail seems to be not accepting messages. I still had hopes she would see the missed call and give me a ring. So I need to just send out a message and see what happens.

In all honesty logic tells me that I should keep a level of detachment from her. She really has been struggling with much confrontation. She is estranged from her family and that has been very messy so I would be smart to stay out of it. Up to now I've listened and been supportive but not much more. If she needs more than that she has not asked for it but I have this feeling that day may come. I am not sure there aren't things I don't know. I can't be 100 percent sure but it is my belief that what truly ended Carolyn's marriage was an affair that her ex had no clue about until she put him out the door. There is a part of me that thinks his story might be quite different than hers. I can't help but be sceptical. Of course as I get older my level of trust with women grow smaller. Jumping in with both feet would not be good.

Still I want there to be some kind of interaction that gives me a feeling of being a man. I'm tired of being on the bench. I want to get into the game.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Happy Tuesday

Not much to say today. I'm in a financial crunch this week so I'm not going out anywhere. I did relax down at the boat with my book for a couple of hours. Just a chance for me to straighten things up a bit.
Biggest thing I did yesterday was talk to my mom on the phone. One thing she told me about was that her and my dad actually fouled the boat prop a number of times and it was always an easy fix. Well, I wish I'd called her sooner and I would have gotten a much better sleep last week. I really wasted so much stress over a worse case scenario that didn't materialize.
My mom is coming to NY for a short visit this weekend so I will get to see her and the rest of my family on Saturday. It my niece Kristin's graduation party. I guess I should have a gift although I don't know what I should get her. I'd prefer not to give money but at the moment I don't know what other option I have.
My mom is trying to convince me to come to Florida for a week in August so I can take care of the dog. I would have no problem with that except I don't want to leave just now. There wouldn't be much for me to do in Florida and I have plenty to keep me busy here. I was thinking I would take some time off soon ... I am strongly considering taking Aug 1-5 off. I do have enough vacation to add another week and go so I may just do it. I will think about it between now and Saturday and make a decision then.
Not much else to add today. No contact with Carolyn or anyone else for that matter. Wednesday she has been coming down to the boat after her dance class so we will see if we do that again. If not it shouldn't be a big deal. The reality of the situation is she needs a lot more than I can give. So far I've had fun around her and I hope it stays that way.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Is this different or is it just the same pattern repeating?

What would be a perfect weekend for me? Spending the weekend out on my boat with a girl who I like. Yes ... that would be it. I feel satisfied mostly. I didn't get any thing that resembles affection so I am not totally fulfilled but I don't have that frustrating empty feeling either. It's a little like that thing on Seinfeld there you can only have "this" or "that" but if you try to have both you end up not having either. What is it about "this" that ruins "that"? Okay, that's enough philosophical crap.

My Friday and Saturday time with Carolyn was great but her last comment to me was about how we are friends and not more than that. Of course I tell her that too. There are so many reasons not to get too close because, while she really is fun and attractive there is a toxic part of her that I need to wary of. Without getting into too many details she has been in a bitter struggle with her ex over every facet of what is left of their marriage. This has been going on for 5 years. I only know what she tells me so I've just gotten one side of the story. She may be barely holding on. As much as I'd love to swoop in and save the day she doesn't really seem to want that. Besides I am in no position to make that happen anyway. Especially if she's not going to sleep with me. And right now I don't see it.

And yet I find myself planning to make something happen. Planning or scheming, I'm not sure if there is a difference. But I do feel confident I can ask her to do things with me and she will say yes. There is this little voice in my head saying she is in such a bad place it is no surprise she wants to keep some distance and I should respect that. But the is also this thing in my head that says she is never going to be into me and I need to make sure I don't get any expectations. Which is really hard not to do.

Right now I am conflicted. I am really feeling like I want to say damn the consequences. But I'm only one half of that conversation and until I see that change all I'm doing is being supportive and enjoying the ride. And so far it's been an okay ride. Thing is I would hate this to turn out like another Coleen even though it is starting to look more and more like it is.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Life in the Cul-de-sac

I had about as good a weekend as I've ever had. I called Carolyn and we went out to a place near where she lives. I went and picked her up at her house. First time I'd seen that. It is a nice house. She seems to think it's not. Then we travelled to a bar that had some music. We got some wine and I paid. It was a date. She knew a few people there and she danced. I danced too. It was fun and we were there until they closed. I don't know though. Nothings really happening.
I dropped her off in her driveway and since it was late she asked if I needed to stay on the couch. If it felt like she was offering more than that i would have gone for it but I really wasn't willing to be waking up on a couch to say good morning to her 14 year old son. I was home in 10 minutes.
Next morning I dealt with the line that was caught in thew prop of my boat since July 4th. I'd convinced myself there would be damage that would end my season. But I dove down and it was a fairly simple task and everything was fine. So I invited Carolyn to go out on the water. Just her and I went and enjoyed a great day. But again we really aren't going anywhere. So at the end of the night I was just feeling like it's just another repeat of a girl who wants me around but only in friendship mode. It's good that I can spend time with someone I like but just once I want to get something more.
So on Sunday morning I just make a plan to take the boat out without Carolyn. Maybe I should have called her but when I left her the night before she was too non-committal so when my friend Chris called I said I would take out the boat if he was ready in an hour. We weren't out 20 minutes before Carolyn called about going fishing. I guess I should have called her but I feel like she needs to know I'm not a sure thing.
In the middle of all this I heard from Coleen. She wanted me to come down to the beach. I told her I was waiting for someone to come out on the boat. This must have gotten a rise out of her because at 7PM she sent me a text asking how my date was. So more than 6 hours later I was still on her mind. I still need to let her go. It is still hard. At least I have a nice distraction even if that's just another dead end.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Is summer start or could it be over already

Spent last night quietly at home reading a book. I really have little agenda today except it is Friday and the weekend is just about ready to start. I've been suffering with insomnia all week because I am more than a little upset that I may have really screwed up my boat by running over a dock line with the propeller and my need an expensive repair there is no money to pay for right now. I will spend the early hours on Saturday diving under the boat and untangle things and see if I have a real problem. The little voice in my head is telling me I'll have damage. I keep trying to relax and remind myself that what is done is done and I can manage somehow. It's happened to lots of boaters and they all manage to resolve it and get back to what is important. This could just be a snag and not the huge disaster I'm making it out to be. I just hope I'm not done with my boat just when the summer is starting.

I will call Carolyn at some point and see if she is open to planning something. The silver lining here is she said she needs company to go out on her boat so I can at least be assured of getting out in the water a little. I feel I may have made her uncomfortable because I made a pass at her and she did not seem open to it. She may push me away or she may just need to discuss it. Or she may have just chalked it up to alcohol and let it go. I know if I spend too much time dwelling on it then I am probably over thinking. I am stressed today.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Night moves

I spent last evening with Carolyn enjoying wine on the boat. I made a move and it didn't get very far before she shut me down, but she didn't run away either. She stayed late. I didn't want her to go either. She probably isn't going to give me what I want but she has so much on her plate it's best to not push her towards anything. I am really very conflicted. And maybe she is too.
I sent Carolyn a text saying I would be on the boat and she should stop by when she finished her dance class. She arrived at about 8 o'clock and we had a nice evening that included mostly talking. As I've said before her life is currently very difficult so I just clicked into listen mode and we chatted for hours. Every time I thought she might be thinking of saying good night she just asked for another glass of wine. I actually got her to go down into the cabin and I tried very hard to kiss her. It kind of happened but she didn't really respond so we just laid together talking. She said she is still struggling with the death last year of her boyfriend, Andy. Maybe Carolyn is not that into me, at least not yet. I did ask her to go out with me on Friday. I don't expect much but the potential is there. Unless I see a stop sign I will keep going.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

If only I had some money

This picture was from out on the water on the Fourth of July.

While backing my boat into the slip afterwards I ran over some rope and it caught in the propeller. I still haven't gotten it out and I still don't know if there is any real damage. I hope not because if there is I am not sure how I'll pay for that. I don't think it will be too bad. I will find out soon enough.

Meanwhile I spent last evening relaxing a bit while at the dock. I did not wee anyone interesting come down so after the sun set I found my sister and niece watching a ball game that Kate's (the niece) was playing in. Turned out to be a really good game. I stayed for the end even though Maryliz (the sister) and Kate left after about half the game.

It was a nice night to be outside. It was a little buggy as there was not even a hint of a breeze. But it was bearable. The game didn't end until almost midnight. I need to do more things like that. I going to try and not spend any more time in a bar unless it's raining. I do notice I spend so much less money as I do other things.

I had thought I would call Carolyn last night but never got around to it. Tonight is Wednesday, which is Carolyn's night for dance class. I had suggested that she visit the boat after class since it's on the way home and she did do that last week. I was think I should send her a reminder but I am hesitating. I would really prefer to just call her and ask her out directly but I'm looking like i can't fit that into my budget at the moment. It looks like I have less that $60 to make it until my next payday which is not until a week from Friday. I do have a credit card that I can use but I'm trying not to. So I am biding my time hoping I can maintain things for the next week or so. If something happens it will have to do it in a way that won't put a strain on my financial crisis.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Stressful Holiday

I took my family and some of their friends out to see the fireworks on July Fourth. There were so many, 17 including myself. That's just too many. I need to learn to say no, but it just evolved. I guess I would be fine if I hadn't ended the day by backing the boat into a line in the water and getting it caught in the propeller. Now I'll need to deal with that. I just hope once i untangle things that i haven't done any additional damage. It was my own fault too. I just came into the slip a little crooked and thought I could power forward to straighten the boat. So after that I was so keyed up I had trouble getting to sleep. Probably on 4 hours right now. I just wish I would feel so stressed all the time.

Seems like my whole weekend I felt like I was stressing over one thing or another. This should be a good thing but I got a new cell phone. It's a smart phone and it's a little complex. It took me a while to figure out how to make calls and text. During the set up process my sister called my number and left a voicemail message. Now the phone keeps showing I have a voicemail but when I check there are no new messages. It'll get figured out. I also though I'd lost my old phone before I could get my numbers transferred. I found it under the seat of the car. It felt like it was like that all weekend. Me forgetting this or stressing over expenses or having to be somewhere before I was ready. I was even going crazy over the weather.

As far as Carolyn goes, I asked her to come to see music on Friday night but she was not interested. I didn't speak to her the rest of the weekend until last night as I left the marina I saw her and she said she was having cell phone problems but she got my text. Feels like she is blowing me off a bit. Obviously she runs hot and then cold so I'm turning the dial down on that. I know there are things going on with her that have nothing to do with me. She could be a real stress magnet.

I had a conversation with my brother Sean about her. Turns out Sean knows her ex really well. He didn't say much. It is just another log on the fire as it just seems like no matter who I meet there is always a connection to someone in my family. I'm not sure that is a good thing.

I was outside listening to music in the Village Plaza on Friday when I saw Coleen for the first time in a few weeks. At the time I was talking to Roberta and when I said hello to Coleen, Roberta excused herself. Not a surprise there since they don't like each other, but I also was not interested in saying any more to Coleen then hello. I later got to dance a little with Roberta so it came out okay in the end.

Next morning Carolyn called and asked how it was to which I said I had a really good time. I had hopes of seeing her but she resisted whatever suggestions I made. I will call her one more time this week and if nothing happens I'm going to try and stop trying to plan anything with her.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


It's Saturday morning and I've just a few minutes to post. I just thought I would update on events. I couldn't get Carolyn to come out last night. At least she called me so that I wasn't hanging next to the phone. I've pretty much lost that warm and fuzzy feeling about her. So I went out alone and still had fun. There was classic soul music playing in the Village Downtown and there was much dancing. I saw Janet and Roberta there along with my brother Brian and his wife Sue. I also saw Coleen there but never really talked to her.
I'm not sure what today will bring but I'll be heading out in a few minutes and see what the day brings. I think I'll carry my camera and take pictures

Friday, July 1, 2011

Fun Fun Fun

Turn the page on another month. It would be great if this could be a really special month. Of course the defination of crazy is someone who keeps doing the same thing but still expects different results. So call me crazy.
It's Friday and I'm at work. There is barely anyone here but my department is fully staffed. This except for the senior director, the director or any of the managers. We could go home early once the work is done but who is here to tell us that? Still probably leaving a little early.
My plans for this evening include going to see some outdoor music. I have hopes of seeing Carolyn there but she never did directly say she was interested or not. I called her this morning but it seems her voicemail on her cell is full so I couldn't leave a message. So I will head into town solo knowing a lot of the friends I used to hang with every week will be there. I haven't seen any of them in about a month. I miss them but I also know I want to find other things. Hopefully I'll find something fun.